Hi everyone. I've been thinking for months how I'd apologize if I ever managed to get myself back online. I've just had a really hard time the last year and a half. Throughout college and after, I lived with my grandma and thinking back I realize all of my best writing was done living with her. I had a safe, creative environment. I was thinking about his because yesterday was the year anniversary of her death, and the months before she died I was taking care of her while she was on hospice. She meant the world to me. Yesterday was a difficult day; I felt alone, like no one else was grieving quite like I was because no one had the relationship with her that I did.

But from all my self-pitying, I realized I'm not alone. I'd unplugged myself from the internet so long ago, hardly making any efforts to even participate in regular social media, but all the while I knew I was very lucky to know the wonderful people on this site. I've been so afraid for so long to admit my shortcomings, such as how antidepressants have screwed up my focus so I haven't been able to write, but looking back at messages I've missed in the last few months, I've realized this has been a safe place all along.

I want to dedicate this to RavenCurls in particular, who has been a better friend to me than I have been to her, and Eva Palez, who also checked in on me when I was elsewhere.

I can't promise I'll never disappear again, but I do want to say thanks if you've stuck around. And I'm really sorry that I have left you hanging. I'll post another chapter soon so you know I'm going to make a better effort.

Thank you everyone, and especially to those who left wonderful reviews. They always carried me along when I was sad and gave me validation I otherwise lacked.

Here's Fiyero being brainless.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

From any other person besides Galinda, the question might have seemed peculiar. But she asked it just as easily as if she were asking if he thought her outfit was nice-looking or if he thought it might rain.

They were strolling through the shops near Railway Plaza, and she had her hands tucked into the nook of his elbow casually. As usual, people recognized them wherever they went and sweet Galinda was so good about acknowledging her friends and admirers. She'd release a petite hand from his arm to wave or to reach out to take someone's hand graciously, going through the motions of polite conversation before they'd continue on, and conversation between the two of them never becoming heavier than debates of Shiz Student Council activities or the upcoming fashions making their way into the store windows about them.

And so her musings about love didn't strike him as anything serious; yet because Fiyero was a lovelorn pragmatist, he gave the matter some thought.

"No," he said, and she clicked her tongue in superficial indignation. "Attraction: sure. Lust: absolutely. But love? Love, I think, is worthy of more time than that. It grows into something of absolute certainty from foundations of affection and appreciation for someone. It's steadfast."

"So, you're telling me that you've never taken one look at a person and knew, right then, that they were the one?"

He thought about Elphaba, about the first time he had seen her in the Ozdust those years ago. It wasn't love then. But it was something distinct, something exceptional, something he couldn't describe and couldn't forget. "I think you can take one look at someone and know, without a doubt, that they're something really, really special and that they're the kind of person you want in your life."

"Well…I'd have to say that's a good enough excuse if I ever heard one."

"I know the answer isn't one for the storybooks."

"It comes from the better ones, dear," Galinda said sincerely. "But I'm not entirely convinced. I think that there's something truly remarkable should two people experience that same moment of clarity. It's too rare, especially when it has the potential to result in such loving friendships and sweeping love affairs written about in those books, and I think that it could be considered love at first sight based on virtue of that alone."

It was a beautiful thought but it made him glum. He couldn't imagine in what world or repeat of time that Elphaba would ever look at him and be struck by him as he was by her in that first moment. He didn't even have the confidence to say that much had changed for her since then, despite them being the oddest of friends.

"It's kind of like doing sorcery," Galinda tacked on brightly, beaming and thanking him as he helped her step up onto the basin's rim of the Railway Square fountain. He kept a steadying hand held aloft for her to grip as she walked along the wide bricks like it was a tight rope in her high heels. "Like making a potion. You have to have the right ingredients in the absolute proper proportions – because otherwise you could end up with something downright distasteful and foul – and sometimes they immediately transform into something that fizzes and sparkles but other times you have to be patient, wait for it to stew so it deepens and become even more potent—"

"Sounds like my mother's cooking," he quipped.

"—either way, it's magic."

She stopped then, facing him, still holding his hand. The fountain spray behind her was a glimmering halo around her shiny blond hair, reflecting silver and blue like her eyes as they focused open and accessible down on him.

Her speech had filled Fiyero with a little more comfort and hope than he usually allowed himself; it was a reminder to be patient. After all, last time he had waited two years for Elphaba and the results of that were astounding. Didn't that make the little bits of sadness that he often felt now rather silly?

"I've always been rather lousy at making potions. I'm used to getting things when I want and how I want them; in class I want to keep adding a pinch of this and swirling it like that even though I shouldn't until it looks like it is supposed to. But sometimes it's thick, you know? Not like thick-thick but just…thick."

"Uh, sure."

"And it turns out that if I just resist those temptations, something that seemed good enough at first becomes even better. What was already perfect becomes even more perfect. I think you understand what I mean, don't you Fiyero?"

Even though she was talking about gelatinous concoctions he knew what she meant. Like Galinda experienced in her sorcery seminar, the temptation was always there for him to incite the results he wanted with Elphaba, with her future and theirs together, but he knew it those were ruinous choices. At least at this point.

"I do," he said truthfully.

"I thought as much," Galinda beamed at him. A stray brainwave passed through him as he peered up at her that Galinda was made for the sun and it for her: her hair looked like strands of spun gold under its rays, her skin glowed creamy and silken, her lips pink and glossy over her dazzling white smile, and her eyes like flawless blue diamonds. And just as quick as it came the notion was gone, but he could sense that in that lost moment something else occurred – something outside of him that was silent and invisible but palpable – and he had missed it.

She stepped forward then, right to the edge of the brick she stood upon. He felt her small, gentle hands against his collar, her fingertips playing with the hair at the back of his neck in a demonstrative way that had his skin warming. It was unexpected but familiar.

Still, she hadn't done anything like that since…

Oh no. Since their last loving embrace in the Emerald City.

He didn't read the warning signs. It occurred to him then that maybe, this whole time, they weren't talking about potions at all; he comprehended this just as she closed the distance and kissed him.

He instinctively wrapped his arms around her to steady her, to keep her from slipping off the ledge or into the fountain as her light weight fell into him, but he didn't return the kiss. Her lips were soft and sweet as they always had been but they were wrong because they weren't green and tangy and with every caress of them against his mouth he felt himself tense more and more.

She stilled and stopped, seeming to realize she was the only willing participant this kiss she started, but lingered with their noses still touching as if hopeful that perhaps she misunderstood his reticence.

He didn't think he could loathe himself more than he did just then but then she finally drew back from him, her expression hurt and confused. He could only imagine his as he gaped back wide-eyed and shamefaced.

Fiyero realized he was still holding her against him and he put her back down, this time all the way to the ground, and that moment was so mortifying for both of them that he was surprised they were still keeping such intense eye contact.

The sensation of her was still against his lips.

"I don't understand," she whispered up to him.

He just stood there, staring. He needed to say something but there seemed to be nothing in his head but white noise.

"I thought…"

"Galinda," he sputtered finally. "I'm so sorry."

"But…we…you and I…weren't…didn't we…?"

"I never meant to mislead you," he said earnestly, still knowing he didn't do enough about it.

"Oh Oz, I should have known," she said then, her face crumpling into some sort of dismay and frenzied distress as she started to pace erratically. "I should have known! You spend so much time with those Three Queens boys Tibbett and Crope...and your pants are always so tight! How did I not see it?"

"Wait a second—you think I'm gay? I'm not gay!"

"You're sure?"

"Of course I'm sure!"

"Because there's no shame in it."

"I'm aware," he said. "But I'm not gay. Very heterosexual."

"Then…why…?" Her lip quivered, its makeup just slightly smeared from their one-sided kiss, the unusual imperfection of it reinforcing his self-loathing. "Is it me? Is there something wrong with me?"

"What? No!"

"Then I don't understand. I thought we got along so well."

"We do!"

"And that we were perfect together."

"We are."

"And you cared for me."

"I do, very much!"

"Then why don't you like me the way I like you?"

"I'm in love with someone else!" he blurted, much to both of their surprise. Was his face literally on fire? Because it felt like it.

"Oh." Galinda continued to stare up at him, her beautiful sapphire eyes hardly seeming to blink as they studied his. "Oh."

His heart was pulsing so loudly throughout him he was sure everyone walking through the square could hear it.

"Who…?" It seemed to hit her physically, for she stumbled back wobbly on her heels. Fiyero reached out a hand to catch her if she fell but she didn't even seem to notice the gesture. "Elphaba. It's Elphaba, isn't it?"

His silence seemed to answer her question; that, or she saw something in his face that gave him away. She crumpled then, wailing, "How could I be so stupid?" and throwing herself into her hands. "Ohh how could I not have realized it? The two of you, behind my back…!"

"It's not like that! Well, it is," he said, feeling ridiculously inept at explaining it not just once but twice now. "But it isn't. Surely you empathize, Galinda. There's no one else in this world that loves her like we do."

"Of-of course, but…" She trailed off, her eyes shining.

"Please, Galinda, don't say anything to her, please. You know how she is— she won't understand."

"Fine. I think I want to home now, Fiyero. I wish to lie down."