Nobody spoke. Or even moved.
She totally forgot about those. Luan closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. There were no escape signs. They were heading to the dead end, again. She couldn't stop it. Couldn't.
"Stein?" Mr. Fernandez waited. Luan couldn't hear any response.
He sighed thickly. "Alright, I guess Loud's group gets a zero out of fifty." A zero. A big fat, frickin' zero. "Next group."
The muffled sound of Whitney's name passed her ear. A breeze swept by her. Around her were students with blank faces alike, glued intently at the new rotten apple of Fernandez' eye; known as the next person to report.
Luan's lips pursed, breathing slowly. To top today off, because of course, things just had to get worse.
"Told you not to be such a try-hard, toots." She could hear Mr. C in mind. "Don't bust yourself to get the A's; it prefers chicks who don't do desperate."
Her stare transfixed itself upfront, to the plain white hue of the board. Mind buzzing.
Okay.
She glimpsed at the back seats, finding Benny at his seat, head low and transfixed on the ground. She snapped her laptop closed and slipped it into her backpack. Luan watched the next report go on. Whitney's voice quivered through the smugness worn on her face. Her trembling arms wrote the words she had to convey with the magic of that fresh chalk.
Her eyes grew misty. Luan tucked a hand under her chin, swallowing her thoughts down. This meant her staying up yesterday night meant nothing. That if Lola found out that her advice from the night before went unheeded, she'd laugh at their group's biggest drawback. "What'd I tell you?"
Then Luna. If she knew. She wouldn't let her live the end of it. Music whiz she was and all that. You should've hit the hay instead. Luna would say. Or let me help you.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut. Up.
But no, she considered them all distractions. Instruments to lull her to sleep. Shut it…
And well, if she could go back to those past twelve hours, she'd throw her papers aside-
Luan grit her teeth and pressed the nail of her thumb so hard it hurt. What was I gonna do later? Oh yeah, study for history…what about that endurance test for P.E? Why do we even need those? Pft.
It was quick, she didn't even notice when the bell rang, and the whole class fell into a chaotic party. A mix of students went to their groups, shook hands, high-fived, jumped, and cheered at the success of this social experiment of a high school report. Seeing them so happy in front of her, almost felt nauseating. Not having to share in their success stung.
Luan grumbled, picking Mr. C and her bag up. That didn't happen. That didn't happen, right? Whatever. We have stuff to do. Didn't we have a project for-
The projects don't matter if you're gonna keep failing like-
She stomped out of the room, before bumping into Whitney. Again.
"Hey… I'm sorry about what happened to your group earlier. I know how you give your all in these projects." Whitney squeezed her shoulder, and it took a Guardian angel for her not to slap it back.
With heavy cheeks, Luan forced a smile. "Eh, our report was out of the clef." She chuckled. "But yours was on the right note! Geddit?"
Haha, wish it were me.
Just shut up.
Kimberly, a girl with chocolate brown hair and tan skin cheered and took Whitney by the shoulders. "It totally was!" She squealed. "Here's to many more, girl!"
They did a celebratory handshake and walked away like Luan was a third-wheeler caught up in a romantic feat. Luan dropped her grin as soon as they were far off. One day, we'll look back at this and laugh. She thought to herself. One day, I'll be the one in their place.
She followed Whitney with her eyes, watching her fade out in the crowd. What the heck was up with Benny?
Her jaw clenched on her way down the corridor, counting down the lockers until she'd lay sight on hers.
Then a blur of seafoam and yellow. On a one-way corridor too. Luan straightened her posture and huffed. Look alive.
"Hey, Luan!" Leni greeted her with a smile. "Still running strong?"
Her heartbeat quickened. She didn't know if she looked the part, but she felt far from it.
Luan shot her a grin. "Yep! You can bet I'm feeling mug-nificent!"
"Oh, I get that one! It's mug and magnificent combined!" She chirped, nudging at the chestnut-haired girl following her. "Cya after practice!"
Luan let out a shaky laugh, pacing forward quickly. Leni actually remembered what today was again. Oh no.
Luan walked down the corridor before halting right in front of her locker with heaving breaths. She dropped her head against the metal surface, prying her arm out of her puppet. You're only weighing me down.
"What can I say? I'm made out of the finest wood in the store!" She mimicked, then grumbled, before shoving him in her bag along with her laptop. Luan zipped it half-closed and opened her locker, grabbing the other notebooks she had stuck in there to read later when she got home.
She started blankly into the tight, four walls as if to save face from the crowd. Maybe she'd feel a sense of stability if people didn't see through her eyes as they walked by her. Even then, she couldn't help but let out a wry laugh. Who just throws out somebody's hard work like that over another guy? She thought. What an idiot. No surprise. This entire school's full of them.
An uninvited presence caused her to stiffen. A familiar scent. Luan continued scanning through her locker, unfazed.
"Luan…"
She didn't say anything. Her throat tightened. Couldn't.
"I… I just wanna say sorry for earlier."
She breathed deeply to maintain composure. Her eyes stared straight into her locker, mentally reading the book covers before her. The tension was there, but she wanted to pretend otherwise. "I… I just blanked out, I swear I was gonna stand up. But I didn't know how to react! I was taken aback and unprepared!"
"But I told you to study, didn't I?" She finally turned to look at him. "It was the least you could've done."
But you didn't.
"… I did, more like tried." He rubbed his arm with a jesting tone. "But I was bouncing between the hospital and home. I couldn't make time."
"Uh-huh. No time." Just like me. She returned her gaze to the locker, squeezing the books at hand. But I managed, why didn't you? "Why'd you even come to school then?"
Luan knew that'd hurt him because they lived two parallel lives. They were both caught up in the throes of maintaining their grades, despite all the hurdles in their way. That regardless of what happened, they couldn't just abandon their academic studies. And he couldn't even do the bare minimum? Not just for the group, but for her?
Benny winced in disbelief. "Biology. We had an important test."
No reason would change her mind. He knew this would happen. He knew how much this all meant to her. "Oh, like this report wasn't as important?"
He paused, looking away. "It's just, I didn't expect it'd be me. I was just… I was just frozen and I would've stood up but..."
"And you thought I expected it too?" She slammed her locker shut. Don't scream. Or start a scene.
"I know, I know." Benny leaned against the locker, his eyes glimmering with hope still; which somewhat fueled her flames. "I take full responsibility for it, Luan, I-"
She raised her palm to stop him, her eyes quickly stinging. We still have theater practice later. "What're you gonna do? You heard what he said. Mr. Fernandez doesn't give any chances."
We still have theater practice. We still-
"Yeah, but…" Benny sighed in resignation. "I'm sorry, okay? I know it meant a lot to you, but it's just one report, it won't ruin the rest of your year, right?"
Just one report. She sucked a sharp breath in. "Like you'd know. You weren't even around yesterday. Or the other days." Luan burned her gaze through him, his face turning skeptical. No, screw this. I won't bother. She brushed past him, turning past the next hall. The crowd drowned her and when she turned back, there was no sight of blue and gray rushing to get her.
Mrs. Bernardo wouldn't mind. Director's cut for a day.
She hastily rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. It was foolish enough of her to pity herself for lying in a grave she dug. And as much as she had herself to blame for Benny's mistake, it was still his fault. The job was basic, but it was his choice not to stand up in the front. To cowardly tuck himself into his chair like it'd be enough to hide him.
Without wasting another second, she trudged the halls to the exit, dragging heavy feet down the ground. She wanted to go home. Read a book. Anything but remember this. Maybe she could ask Lisa to wipe her memory out. At least temporarily, just so it wouldn't hurt.
A group of girls circled about and laughed amongst themselves. An emo dude passed by, banging his head to his headphones. One girl was on the phone, talking as if what happened earlier didn't happen. Like she didn't get the most bitter pie thrown at her face just minutes ago. The world looked so normal… even as hers shattered, the real one didn't stop right at her feet. It just went on.
Mug-nificent, huh?
When it rains, it pours. It could start a day, then flow into a week, then a month and you're still showered with misfortune. It wasn't a biggie. We've all had our moments. Today was Luan's—this morning proved it.
Luna wasn't expecting Luan to be brimming with glee now, but she and Leni placed their bets; Luna on neutral, and Leni, well, miserable at best. She could see it in Luan's demeanor. Her unusual slouch, her lousy disposition. Unlike her, who was left assuming. After all, Luan's her roomie- it took more than a tragedy to break her down.
They expected to wait until the evening to mark who got the five bucks. But no, Luan texted Leni, and said to wait a little longer when she was a second away from stepping on the gas. And that placed her bet on a futile road… she could only hope otherwise.
"Huh, what about rehearsals?" Luna wondered aloud, staring at the pile of burnt leaves dwindling the school's front.
"Maybe she's too tired and can't come?" Leni guessed.
Bogus. You can't just bail out of an important meeting like that, especially when you're the head of the club. Luna's eyebrows knitted in doubt, anticipating the worst. Shoot. I better shave off my allowance now. Dang it.
The moment Luan slipped into the van, Leni gave her a knowing look, and she sank back in her seat. No puns, no laughter, not even a hi or hello uttered out–and what's weirder? Luan chose to sit at the very back of Vanzilla, also known as the Wild, Wild West, where the sky knew no light. Where the twins would commit the most heinous and violent war crimes known to man, unbeknownst to the rest of them save for the unlucky fool who was caught up in the crossfire.
Luna squinted and glanced over the van's rearview mirror, spotting Luan's dejected form leaning against the door. Her head pressed on the window as the gloomy sun graced her features. She was too far for her to see clearly, and maybe it could've been merely the light reflected in her eyes, but Luna could've sworn her eyes were glossing over.
Then when Leni parked on the driveway, Luan wasted no time grabbing the key from under the rug and rushing into the door first. As much as her body felt compelled to chase her down and bridge the gap, Luna stayed glued to her seat until Leni turned off the ignition, and the rest of her siblings came out and went into the house. She reached for her backpack.
"I don't want the money, don't worry." Leni cut her off.
Luna untensed and retracted her hand back to her lap. Leni was dense, but emotions were up her rally. What was invisible to others and maybe even pointless to Luna, she considered her priority. If Lori played their second father, Leni was like their second mother.
They joked about it a lot; she's the real firstborn around here.
They sat in the chilly van side by side in awkward silence, like how mom and her would after a parent-teacher conference.
"She's been sad for more than two days! Luan never mopes this long." Luna grumbled, duh. No need for a lecture. Leni's grip slipped from the wheel, then she glanced at her. "Don't you think it's time you two talk?"
"What? It's not like we're riding rocky roads again." Luna protested. She didn't mind talking it out unless it was shoved on her face like an obligation. "You're actin' as if I'm her twenty-four hours babysitter."
"But it is, isn't it?" Leni shot back like it was common sense. "You know her like I know Lori. If there's anyone who can talk her into her pain, it's you."
Luna stifled her snort. Nah. What Lori and Leni had was almost equivalent to her and Sam; Two girlies sharing souls but not their duds. She and Luan weren't close like that. Yeah, she knew her lil' sis was a closeted sentimental person- literally- with her watching childhood tapes in their closet late at night, but beyond that comedic exterior? She knew there had to be something, but nothing. How can she try digging, when Luan was allergic to bitterness? She'd either sugarcoat it if problems came, or instantly shoot anyone down with humor, saying a joke is always 'okie-doke.'
They both exited the van without reaching a resolution. For all Leni cared, Luna knew better. She dropped her bag on the ground and slumped on the couch with her phone. Luan could keep their room—she might just end up kicked out anyway.
"Roomie issues, huh." Luna yelped, her phone nearly slipping out of her hand as Lucy popped by her side. West Coast Rap echoed from the TV. "You gonna watch that?"
In the Loud House, news spread like sound waves to a concert hall.
Luna scoffed as she passed her the torch-er, remote. "It's a her-problem, not mine." She scrolled through ClickClock. It's not that she cared less. She just knew, that when Luan's upset, less is more. "Figure she's already got a lot on her plate. Don't wanna be prying her when I'm pretty sure the others are doing the same. I know she'll come to me if she needs an outlet to talk to."
Knowing Luan though, she never really wanted to talk.
Just give her time, and some joke books, and she'll be up and delivering the line before you can even punch.
By tomorrow, this would all be yesterday, right?
Yeah, how about that. It doesn't make things any better though. Mrs. Bernardo was blowing up in their group chat over her missing practice…and it took a few minutes to register that, oh, yeah. The fight. The performance. That all happened.
The dining room roared with ten voices tugging to get the stage. She watched as Lucy slumped while Lana stole her meatball. Watched as the kid slurped her pasta vigorously. It was like the world kept rolling, but she wasn't part of it. Not even as a camerawoman.
Okay, maybe she was being dramatic. But still. There's this chunk of her that just couldn't remember how the heck she even got down here. Did Lisa radiate some sorta memory-loss concoction in the air? It smells like amnesia here.
It also smells like regret.
All she remembered was reading jokes and binging on stand-ups before her mind saw an opportunity to start a debate. Yeah, this is funny, but you know what else? Your life. She tried to sleep it off. You know what would be great right now apart from sleeping? What? Doing it forever. Why work a day of your life when you can't even work on your homework?
Then she opened her digital notepad, her joke book essentially. Because being productive, or at least feeling the illusion of it would be enough to keep the thoughts at bay, right?
Blank. The cursor clicked impatiently, like a foot tapping. Come on, just write something already.
Pretty sure her mind has a stroke. The next thing she knew, she was staring at an empty screen. The next thing she knew, she was staring at the base of Luna's bunk. Oh no. She hissed through clenched teeth. A year's worth of jokes. Gone in an instant. One button was all it took.
Never had Luan ever yearned for something this strongly before. It was an emptying feeling. A hollowing one.
A family meal was the last place she wanted to be in. With clueless parents and suspicious siblings, she had to bring out the best out of herself. One out-of-character gesture and everyone's gonna be hurdling up on you, wondering who the bully is. Who tore the pages of your joke book apart? After all that time you spent filling that up!?
Then she'd grin her most eerie grin, and dramatically point thumbs at herself; tell them, "It's me, the perpetrator! Mwahaha!"
She didn't feel a thing.
"That's my chicken leg!"
Besides her on the right, were the two most abrasive tomboys having a wrestling match. "Come get it, then!"
Luan nudged Lana's side with a grunt. Taken out of surprise, Lana lost grip of the chicken and Lynn snatched it away, letting out a snooty laugh as she did so.
Lana shot daggers at her. "Geez, Luan, don't be such a grouch!"
She ignored it, taking a small bite out of the meatball.
On the left was a bit steadier waters, with Lincoln and Lucy talking about zombies in video games.
"Green isn't an icon in the fashion world, you would know that!" "Are you saying that I look tacky!?"
And across her were Leni and Lola having a roast battle.
The voices of her siblings, their piercing laughter scratched her ears. Made her heart skip beats with every metal clinging and chair screeching. Her stomach was empty, but her mind was full. She wanted to scream, but not around here.
Trying to ignore how flavorful it tasted. It was hard to not stick out like a sore thumb. Her sisters were practically bouncing off the table yet Mom and Dad kept their stare at her- most likely expecting a crude quip from her. That's all they expect from her. Jokes. Just surface-level jokes; anything beyond the walls like they always did, while she was pinned and limp like a voodoo in a target board.
She could really use that deleted jokebook right now. Darn it.
"So, kids, how'd you like the results from our parent-teacher conference last Saturday?" Mom chimed in.
Eep. Luan stopped chewing.
She swallowed the half-chewed meatball and did it again when it pulsed in her throat. Someone's gonna point it out. Someone's gonna point it out.
"Say it isn't so, but my teacher called me excellent at crafts." Lisa squealed, a fascinating sight from the stoic, junior Nobel prize winner. "I still find it somewhat difficult to comprehend. That summer workshop I was sent to is given all the credit."
"It said I was improving," Leni said quizzically. "I don't know what the card meant by that really, but it's a positive adjective so I guess I'm happy about that!"
"They called me the Campus Journalist of the Year!" Lincoln's eyes glimmered with pride. He puffed his chest and huffed. "Win a crowd, and you will win your freedom."
"Eh, I wasn't that shocked with mine.'' Lynn ruined his moment with a conceited smirk, leaning her arm against the backrest. "What's new? Record Holder for being the All-Star MVP, most Outstanding Hall Monitor, Queen of Chess… I can go on but it might take me an entire month to list it down."
"Speaking of queens, how's our resident queen of puns?" The table grew quiet as Dad spoke up. All eyes glanced at her. Luan sank herself down the seat. Aaand, there it was. "Haven't heard you utter a single joke tonight!"
"Please Daddy, the only joke here is where her slip is!" Lola blurted out, and they all glared at her. "What? Someone's gotta point it out."
Mom and Dad gave each other looks, and her siblings to her too. Luan's knees buckled, every fiber in her body wanting to walk out right then and there. "Oh, ah-" Dad stammered.
Her siblings started mumbling amongst one another.
She dropped her head, cheeks tingling. Whole body tingling. Hide under the table. Hide under the table.
"Luan, sweetie," She looked up, and Mom gave her a knowing stare. "Meet me in our room tomorrow, okay? We have… something to tell you."
The whole table shared a reaction of gasps, others of looks, but the same emotion was evoked: curiosity.
In her case, embarrassment.
No, screw that, her entire dignity was being stripped before them.
"Why can't you just spill it here?" Lola sassily eyed her shiny fork. "Unless… it's too dramatic for the faint-hearted?"
Luan turned to her, shooting daggers.
"Lola, don't patronize your sister." Dad scolded, adjusting his bib, before placing his elbows on the table. Mom quickly slapped them off. "On other news, I'm proud of you honey." He looked at her, and for a moment she was confused. "That goes along with you too, Lisa; Lincoln."
"For what?" It came out of her before she could hold it.
Leni gasped from across her. "You haven't heard? You three are on the honor roll!"
Luan's perked up. Well, maybe today wasn't so bad after all. "I am?"
When it was confirmed, the table's energy changed drastically like sunlight peeking through thunderstorm clouds. They jeered them three for being too smart; leave a little headspace, will you? In other news, she was part of the honor roll! Great!
But of course, that was expected. Luan kept her grin the entire time. Now, the only question was how high up she was. Top 10? Hmm, her bet was above the top five, knowing everything she's done… but hey, maybe six to nine was negotiable. "Guess I was too honor-roll to stop by the bulletin! Get it?" She joked and saw Dad's eyes sparkle. The rest of them groaned though. "But seriously, when's the awarding ceremony?"
She looked to the right and caught Lincoln staring. He beamed when their eyes met, but the worry was still distinct from his stiff shoulders. Huh. Weird.
"This Saturday," Mom said, and oh, that report? Eh, thing of the past. All her efforts were worth it.
They couldn't just form a line and wash their dishes one by one without wasting time, and if there's one thing they always did, it was eating slowly. Especially on school nights.
"Number nine scores the touchdown," Lynn grumbled, placing the ninth plate in the cabinet before leaning back on the counter. "I still wonder why we were chosen to wash these."
"I don't know." Their hands bumped occasionally as she quietly did the job hand in hand with Lucy. "But now I'm starting to see why Lincoln complained over having enough on his plate." She raised one for emphasis, and they groaned. "Get it?"
"You're quiet tonight," Lucy spoke up. "It's almost as if you were me."
The sound of the plate echoed as Lynn placed it on the cupboard. "Not that I'm complaining. It's really peaceful not having to hear a single thing from you."
Not a word uttered today, huh? Was that a challenge? "Oh, so you didn't hear about me going vegan?"
It struck a chord in her. Lynn wasn't a keeper of secrets, nor did she ask for anyone to keep hers- but she demanded Luan to keep her yap shut after she walked in on Lynn watching 'The Vegan Tutor' unironically.
Lynn shot her a glare. "Hey, I told you not to say a word out of that!"
"I don't get what's going on," Lucy commented. "I don't think I wanna."
For the first time in a while, a newfound source of energy powered Luan. She faced Lucy, with a gaping mouth, threatening to speak a word about Lynn and her inside joke. "I-"
"Not even a word of it, Luan!" Lynn growled.
Luan closed her mouth but giggled. Seeing her, the toughest girl in the house, being so bashful over her guilty pleasure is cute and ridiculous. She ruffled her hair. "Eh, I'm just playing with you."
"Hey! I just combed that!"
"You know how to?" Luan feigned shock, before turning to Lucy. "Does she?"
Lucy's lips twitched into a smirk. "No. I let my bat colony do it for her."
Lynn crossed her arms and blew a puff of bangs away from her face. "Like I'd let any of your dumb stuff touch me."
"Oh?" Lucy shot back. "Then what was it about that time you borrowed my poetry book? When you said you were pining for this boy and-"
Luan grinned mischievously. Lynn? A boy? Poetry? "Ooh, what's this about?"
Her cheeks turned visibly pink. "Shut it, brace face." She glanced at both Lucy and her for a second. Lynn was the type who'd never back down from her opinion, even if it was wrong. "I swear, you two always tag-team against me; you two'd be a better couple than Edwin and Benny!"
Luan gasped. And there it was. "You wouldn't dare."
But so was she.
There it began the start of a debate. They went back and forth over the little things, from Lynn's room odor to her grades, and Lynn bit back. Along with sharing the chore, they exchanged banter, with Lynn and Luan spatting insults while Lucy occasionally joined in as an audience. Doing the dishes suddenly stretched on for an hour, as all three of them got caught up in maintaining their conversation.
As impersonal as their argument may have been, it did serve as an outlet to release the turmoil Luan had been carrying for weeks.
"Hey, Luan," Lucy spoke up. "How come your card wasn't hung on the fridge along with ours?"
"I've been wondering that too," Lynn added.
And there goes the fun.
Luan shrugged nonchalantly. "Like I'd know." Then she flashed a grin. "It's probably so good, it'd out best all of you and leave you jelly."
Lynn grunted in annoyance. "Here I was expecting a serious answer."
She glared at Lynn, with a teasing glint in her eye. "Hey, I'm not wrong. I probably have way more stuff to brag about than you!"
Thirty minutes of a good argument passed afterwards, before they finally finished washing the plates. Shortly after, all three came upstairs to get ready for bed.
After brushing her teeth, Luan came into her room with a lighter feeling in her chest. Who knew having a debate was all she needed to get that inner turmoil out of the way?
She opened the door, only to find herself outside the uncleansed tornado that their room was from the morning earlier. Clothes from purple to white were scattered on the ground. Some vinyl records, a stray guitar pick, a buncha clothes and…
"Eugh…" Luan shot her roommate a glare. A dirty undergarment. "You were here the whole time and you couldn't bother putting this in the basket?"
Clad in her pajamas, Luna plucked at her acoustic guitar with a shrug.
Luan pursed her lip into a snarl, taking the thing with the pinch of her index and thumb, before tossing it straight to her face.
"Dude!"
She giggled. "That'll teach you to put stuff where they should be- ow!" Luan stumbled backward as the familiar scent of Luna's perfume filled her nostrils. She huffed, clutching the pillow in her hands while Luna gave her a playful grin.
"Oh, you wanna fight?" Luan ran up to her, slamming her leg with the pillow. "I'll give ya one!"
The day didn't end after the report, nor did it end when she tore her notebook to confetti, not even after dinner. Instead, it landed with both her and her roommate in near-injuries, feathers all over the place, and mom yelling from downstairs demanding them to go to bed.