Life in a way was like theater. It kept rolling, all too fast, regardless of any mistakes you brought onto the stage.
At least it had a script. At least you didn't have to fear the unpredictable, looking side to side, jerking over the brush of air wondering, is it happening again? Just counting down the smallest pain building in her back, pooling in her chest, thinking, will this be it? Will this be the thing that kills me?
She shoved Mr. Coconuts under her bed. Respectfully knowing that he was just an object, and the thing is, when it was broken, all value was lost. So, sorry, Mr. C. You're gonna be taken care of when you're back, she felt tears brimming in her eyes looking at his dismantled figure. Until then… s-see you soon.
She wiped it before it ebbed. He was her snark. In a way, he was a part of her she killed, blatantly this time.
Later that evening, she distracted herself by pulling out her latest pieces of homework; scanning a single paragraph in literature five times in a row. But every word meant nothing. Her brain was an empty room with a fly buzzing, one she couldn't decorate with her imagination.
You can't paint with an empty spray.
What's the big deal? What was worrying about homework gonna do in the long run? Luan looked at her textbook, before shutting it close. What was learning about lines of text gonna do? Was she gonna bring that to her grave?
Instead, she crumpled her answer sheets and tossed them into the can. See if I care. She shoved the textbook into her bag and dropped it on the ground and rolled over until she faced the wall. Closing her eyes, and went to sleep.
Like it was that easy, though.
Closing her eyes, why'd you kill me, tuts? Never mind. Never mind.
Gruesome visages of Mr. C's mangled body haunted her. You did this to me, Luan. It blared loudly in her mind. She took in the throw pillow leaning on the wall and hugged that instead, her eyelids fluttering as she told herself to imagine. Maybe if she could dream long enough, it'd feel just like him. If she could just pull his spirit in, and apologize in her own mind, he'd forgive her. She'd forgive the part of her that was him.
And that's when she realized how dependent she was. On a puppet. At fifteen. How much it really meant to her to have to sleep with somebody, even if it wasn't a real thing.
Her eyelids would flutter, and shoot wide open last second. She didn't even need to sleep that night to know that being in the state she was in was the worst nightmare of all.
The sun barely crept into their room, and Luan already got up. That was… around only thirty minutes of sleep. Great. She wanted to punch herself in front of the bathroom mirror. All this for a stupid list. Are you proud of yourself? Are you happy with sacrificing your time, energy, and effort for something that won't even matter in the long run? Something so pointless?
She got up the earliest, and enjoyed the privileges of beating Lynn to the hot bath water, almost drowning in the bathtub after a sleepy spell hit her.
She could always get Mr. C repaired. With her own money. That is if he was repairable. Yeah… one of these days she was gonna do that.
Then she drank a mug, or maybe three, of coffee. It wasn't healthy, but it was all she got.
Even if she hyperventilated an hour later in the bathroom. It was like being a shaking dynamite thrown into the air. Jittery, yet floaty at the same time. So as she struggled to breathe, she paced around the bathroom to steady her frayed nerves. Eventually, it disappeared, but still. She saw herself in the mirror again and laughed. That was horrifying.
When her siblings woke up, that's when her mood took a landslide.
She didn't know how it happened. Forgot. Suppose that when Luna was out of the room, she pulled Mr. Coconuts out of the bed, just to look at him again, to contemplate her actions. Then a gasp, and Lily was by the door.
"Coconut gone?" She had a look of dismay, of shock on her face, further triggering Luan's fight-or-flight response.
"Lily, get out." She kicked the pieces under the bed and stood up. "Don't you dare tell anyone you saw this. Now shoo!"
Biggest jerk in the universe. Luan thought as she saw the tears pooling in Lily's eyes, and she bolted out of the hallway whimpering.
She let her scowl loosen. Heart goes out to you, Lil'ster. But sorry, sometimes you gotta be firm.
"That clown!" Her ears perked up on Lola's growl. "She will pay!"
A slight cacophony of buzzing reverberated, along with voices in the kitchen. Having woken up just minutes prior alone in the room, Luna came downstairs that Friday morning clad in her pajamas. Her stomach grumbled, and she figured it'd be better to eat first before taking a shower.
The buzzing became apparent, and when she turned, it was just Leni blending an orange smoothie. She popped her head into the room, finding her siblings clad in their sleepwear. "What's with all the commotion?" They all shushed her.
"Turn your voice down. She could pop around anytime, anywhere by now!" Lana whispered, darting her eyes side to side.
"No, she won't," Lynn said. "I was off to my morning jog and saw Dad driving her off to school. Something about practicing for a play."
Luna tilted her head skeptically. It wasn't her business to care about that, sure, but that was… unusually early.
Then Lincoln cleared his throat, turning to her. "You'll never believe what I found in your trash can."
Why'd that sentence somehow terrify her? "What is it?"
"Wuna!" Looking down was her baby sister, Lily, tugging at the bottom of her slip-on pajama; her arms stretched and hands opening and closing. She picked the toddler up and Lily melted in her hold.
"There's something wrong with Luan." Luna held back an exasperated sigh. Tell me somethin' I don't know. "When I was taking out the trash, I found her homework thrown out."
Luna didn't know whether she was relieved or horrified. It wasn't some corny lyrics she wrote down they caught… but at the same time, what? Luan's homework? The hell?
Before she could even say anything, Lincoln continued. "And she also fought Lily this morning."
In her arms, Lily grumbled and angrily pointed at the kitchen entrance, mimicking what was supposed to be Luan.
Her synapses fired fast and rapidly, yet somehow there was a chunk still missing from the bridge. Who the heck would get this mad over a list? Over a list!?
"Alright, alright, slow down." Luna rubbed her eyes, walking over to the counter to get her own share of coffee. "What do you mean she fought Lily?"
As it turns out, Lily went over to their room to check on Luan, asking her for some company. "Heard everything from my room." Lucy shared. "Luan lashed out at her for wanting to play."
Huh, weird. Luna thought, glancing at Lily, who nodded in agreement. They all had their moments, especially during their monthly sailing to the red sea, but nobody ever did that to their baby sister. Not even Lola. That set a new record.
She could feel her siblings stare at her from behind before Lincoln spoke. "Luna, you're her roommate; what do you think is going on with her?"
"Jeeze, guys, quit overthinking! She'll laugh it off! It's probably just puberty in its course!" Lynn intervened. "Come on, Luce—you're with me on this. We were just having a debate last night!"
Lucy shrugged. "I've heard things within these walls more than you have to assume, Lynn."
Luna scanned the room. Dang it. Specs wasn't around. She'd stomp over their opinions and call hers facts.
Ignoring as they all began bickering on Luan, she got the beans from a nearby cupboard and poured them into the coffee maker. The coffee maker dinged with a click of a button and her coffee started to brew. The rule of the Loud House. When you had a problem, you'd turn into a celebrity. Over sensationalized.
"Guys!" Lincoln hissed. "Are you guys Luna?"
Luna set Lily back on the ground and leaned against the counter. They are laying it on thick. Like plaque in her nerves. "She's just got a lot on her plate. Leave her alone."
"That's what you always say!" Lola retorted. "I'm dying over addition and subtraction but I'm not acting like the whole world's falling apart!"
Lana stifled a snort, earning herself a glare from her twin. "Says the one who threatened Miss Quinn to ban math from school-"
Wait 'til they find out math has letters in 'em. Luna chuckled knowingly, wiping a stray bang from her face. "Yeah, well, you only got five subjects while we got eight." She said matter-of-factly. "Try juggling all that while they bomb you with more projects than Mick Swagger could produce records."
"Is she quitting comedy because of it?" Lana asked, shifting herself against the counter.
She paused, before shrugging. "Don't think she's got the time for it anymore."
"Okay, now we really have something to worry about." They glared at Lana. "What? Comedy's her life. If she quits like last time, then we know there's almost no turning back for her."
Luna snorted. That's life to ya, lil' sis.
"How come you and Leni are unaffected?" Lucy asked. Leni and her exchanged looks. They were different, was the first thing Luna thought.
The coffee maker sloshed with freshly brewed heat. Luna got a mug, white with the red initial L on it and poured herself one. "I mean, I dunno," She shrugged indifferently. "Only numbers I care about are time sigs."
"And I got cute boys to scout, I mean," Leni giggled. "I saw this really dreamy guy with a cowlick just the other day, he was in the library and–"
"We get it, Leni." Her siblings said in a chorus, and she shut up.
"Luan takes her GPA too seriously." Luna took a sip, bitter air wafting her face. "It's the only thing she takes seriously."
Lincoln slowly nodded, his eyes narrowing like something caught his attention. "This rings a bell. You guys remember when… Luan quit comedy because of us?"
They glanced at where he was looking. The character slips.
"This is bull," Lynn muttered. "You can't seriously tell me that's what's tearing her apart."
"No… but it could be partly the reason." Lincoln walked over to the fridge, scanning the cards. "Nobody wants to be left out. If you guys were in her shoes, you'd feel the same." He said. "I mean, come on, have you seen how she reacted when we brought it on last night?"
"No, don't tell me she's jelly?" Leni gasped; pouring her orange smoothie into a glass. "Maybe she feels left out because mom and dad forgot her slip?"
Luan is a daredevil, don't get her wrong, but she's proud of that. Why does a card of good morals have to matter? "Eh, I doubt Luan would be that shallow." Luna crossed her arms as everyone turned to her. "You'd have to stoop so low to wanna throw your life on the line."
"Exactly." Lynn scoffed dismissively. "I don't know why we're getting worked up here. Luan told me she had way more stuff to brag about than I do—how's that for insecure?"
Lincoln shot her an accusing glare. "Hey, we could never know! Knowing Luan, if you think you wear your heart on your sleeve, she wears it under five layers down!" He reasoned. "How about this —me, Lisa, and Lucy get some intel while—"
Luna shook it off. This was getting heavy, inconveniently heavy. That's just life with ten other meddling siblings, who clearly, forgot to look at the threshold they're threatening to cross. "Look, for all I've seen personally, our hunches aren't a hit-or-miss, but bottom line is; does it really matter? Luan's been pushing us away every time we give her a hand. Our meddling's the last thing she needs. If we're just gonna keep prying her and talking about this, the more she'll close up on us, dudes."
"Spot on, Luna." Lola agreed wryly. "We don't have to go all therapist on her. Just get Lily away from her! Problem solved!"
"What happened to 'better safe than sorry?" Leni frowned.
"If it bothers you that much, why don't you talk to her?" She shot Leni a look. "Besides, there's nothing to prevent here, brah. At this point, we're all just assuming there's something wrong."
Luna smiled as they began to agree to her statement. She hoped to believe herself too.
She loved comedy, but it wasn't as knitted into her blood as acting is. After all, if you can't find a reason to laugh, just act like you do. If you hate yourself, choose your fighter, play the role of another life instead.
"Cut!" The Thespians sighed in relief and released their pose.
Luan uncrossed her legs from the director's chair. "You guys did a good job."
There were some perks to it too, like being picked to direct an entire play because of how awesome and charismatic you are. And what's better? It spared her a whole day in suffocating classrooms, judging eyes, and pitiful comments from every presentation she'd ever done.
But this was a career that branched out and beyond her school plays. Her jokes sunk to the trash, and her deal with Mr. C went way out-of-hand, yet somehow, it didn't bother her. And that's funny. Because in a way, ventriloquists are like Gods; they create life out of the inanimate. They give a puppet a personality, gestures, a voice. An identity, and what came with that was attachment. Mr. C was her. More specifically, a part of her she couldn't be. Shouldn't it have hurt? To lose him? To lower herself in that process too?
Why didn't it?
What did, however, was this script. Act 2 commenced. The once nonchalant Nasa CEO finally realizes how important losing the world was when his long-lost sister came into the picture as an activist protesting with the quote, 'If Nasa can't change the world, then we will.'
She flipped the pages, reverting it to page one. Took her forever to write it. 'The Weight of Two Worlds' would've been one of her catchiest titles. Best play she's made amongst many. But it still felt a little dry.
It wasn't to pretend like she didn't hate it though, rather, she had to act like she liked it. Loved it. Loved this entire gig. And she did, but… it should've felt good. It shouldn't have to feel like a job.
Amy groaned, dropping into a seat. "What'd you say we all take a break?"
She scanned the paper, a familiar broil of frustration growing within. The characters felt dry… the plot just wasn't blowing her away, and don't even get started on the dialogue! Mrs. Bernardo may have said it was astounding, even going as far as to constantly repeating a quote from her protag; but still… something wasn't right. She couldn't pinpoint what.
"We checked out…karaoke bar last week." Rex bragged; his voice slipping through her ears. "You can't … good… microphones are."
What were we talking about again?
It took her a second to register what. "That's good. I'll catch up on you guys real soon. Get yourselves ready then, cause we all know I'll be spitting more than just fire on that mic!"
It didn't sound like her. Well, it did but… it felt distant.
Benny rolled his eyes from the row behind them. "I doubt you'd actually go through a single song without cracking one."
With the same voice. The same laugh.
"Besides the point," Parvana interrupted. "You've missed out on so many trips with us! The group just isn't the same with all your melodrama!"
Luan bit her cheek. Aw, cute. Her mind said, though her chest was numb. Yeah… melodrama. That's what I'm good at, right?
"You always told us about time management," Amy said. "I mean, are you applying that to yourself?"
Luan paused and reflected. Right. She always told them to do that. "Time management is all about prioritizing what's important, though. This year just really means a lot to me. I don't wanna feel like I'm falling behind."
They stared at her incredulously.
Wow, did that just come out of my mouth?
Benny's face hardened in confusion as he moved to sit beside her. "You? Failing when? I've known you since middle school, and you're always the one topping our classes!"
"You're stressing yourself out," Parvana said. "You should get some down time, start living life again, you know."
Live life how? Luan thought to herself. She glanced at her empty hand; my sister ran over him again. "Why don't we go to the karaoke later, then? I wanna see what's up."
That karaoke bar did sound interesting.
But while on most occasions, she'd be enthusiastic, the word itself just left distaste in her mouth.
The sun was beginning to set, like the dread slowly kicking in with another step forward she took. Luna and Leni were gonna kill her for ditching them like that, and leaving them out of mind through the whole day, all to sneak in a little fun time.
The front yard grew clearer in her vision. She took one step up the stairs to the porch, and another, before pausing. For the first time in forever, it was quiet behind the door. She straightened her back, and forced a smile. It's a miracle.
"What do you mean mira..." Luan dropped her hand. Right. Mr. C's out. Gotta get used to that for now.
She pulled her phone out, the wallpaper now a selfie of her and Benny holding mics from earlier. Oh yeah. Luan blankly stared at it. That happened. She reminded herself again since coming down from the high. I was there. Why doesn't it feel like I was though? Why don't I feel it? Remember it?
Her calves were beginning to ache. Maybe I just need sleep.
With a deep breath, she mentally braced herself for whatever the doors would uncover. It did nothing to alleviate that nagging feeling of something being off. But it's her house too, so whatever.
Luan slipped into the house, and was immediately greeted by all her siblings huddled up on the couch- surprisingly, all clad in their pajamas. Was her watch mixed up into saying 7pm, because this told her it was already 9.
They all turned to her in surprise. "Wow, you came home early. Good thing mom and dad aren't coming back here 'til 10, otherwise, you'd be doomed." Lynn snorted. "Went off on a date with Benny-boy again? How far'd you two make it?"
Lincoln nudged her with a scowl. "The younger kids are here."
Lynn rubbed her forearm, glaring at him. "It's not like they'd get it."
"What's going on?" Luan walked near the stairs, glancing over at the TV.
"You don't remember?" Lola gasped, appalled. "Tonight's the premier of The Dream Boat, season 3!"
It was?
Play the part, Luan.
"Oh, right! Must've gotten my dates mixed up, geddit?" They all groaned.
"Speaking of dates, don't forget to be early tomorrow." Leni reminded her. "Tomorrow's your recognition day, remember?"
Luan's grin faltered, but didn't vanish entirely. "Yeah, yeah. How can I forget?"
She went upstairs wishing she could.