The Straw Hats React to Kung Fu Panda 3
I do not own any of the properties discussed in this piece of non-profit fan-based material. Any trademarked materials are strictly the sole property of their respective owners. With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy this reaction.
Act Three: The Dragon Warrior
The golden haze of the evening was starting to wash over the panda village, as its residents formed themselves into a line before Po, who straightened his back, causing them to do so in in turn. He moved to address them.
"You guys. Your real strength comes from being the best you – you can be." He broke the crowd off into individual teams and began to run through some basic exercises with them. "So who are you? What are you good at? What do you love? What makes you – you?"
"I understand now." Tashigi realised. "A truly great teacher not only helps to mitigate a student's weakness, but also helps them turn it into a strength."
"In this case, he's turning everyday skills into techniques worthy for battle. Very unorthodox." Jimbei noted, stroking his beard.
He moved to the hacky sack gang who had just managed to reach 100 consecutive kicks in their game.
"Yes, good. Good, again." He then moved to the group of rolling kids, who barrelled down the hill. "Good, again." He praised, before have to duck an encroaching hug from the devious hatted villager. "Good, good, good! Again!"
Tigress watched from the sidelines and furrowed her brow in confusion at these appraisals of seemingly innocuous tasks. "Wha?..."
"Still… isn't this too short notice? Big Bull is going to be there in days! That's nowhere near enough time!" Usopp near-shrieked.
"I'm more worried about how easily he had managed to indoctrinate the youth into the arts of Kung Fu fighting. It's like looking at the Marine propaganda pipeline all over again." Robin muttered, only to be met with a chorus of concerned stares. "What? I was only saying what was on everyone's mind."
"I'm pretty sure that was the last thing on anyone's mind." Law said, flabbergasted.
"Stripy baby, stripy baby." Lei Lei, the baby panda cooed as she approached Tigress, still clutching onto the action figure based on her visage as if it were a lifeline. Worried the same might happen to her, Tigress began to jog onwards at a brisk pace.
Po moved between different sets of pupils delivering individualised instruction. "Faster. Faster! Twirl those ribbons." He moved to the hatted villager practicing his vice-like grip on a helpless log, which had begun to creak under the force of his hug. "Hug that log, you. Hug that log like it's the last time you're ever gonna hug it goodbye forever." The Dragon Warrior then directed his attention to the hammock launchers. "Higher, and a little more to the left this time. You can do it!" The launchers followed his instructions to a tee and flew up the hill, and as he checked their progress, Po simultaneously replaced the youngling's hacky sacks with far more delicate dumplings. "I don't wanna see any of those hit the ground."
"Zeff would have a fit if he saw these dumplings under this kind of abuse." Sanji shuddered.
"Nah, that old coot would kick their behinds anyway." Luffy mumbled through more food. "He'd find any excuse to clobber some kids."
"That's true…" The cook smiled, before: "HEY! ONLY I GET TO BADMOUTH THAT GEEZER!"
Tigress continued to fend off the advances of Lei Lei, whilst Po proceeded to oversee the training. Going back to the hatted villager, he replaced his log with a moderately sized boulder. "Good. Try it with this."
Next were the hacky sack kids, who found the dumplings replaced once more, though this time with lit firecrackers. "Now, try it with these."
He approached Mei Mei, mid ribbon-twirl, causing it the harmlessly drape over him. "Good, now try it with these." He placed a pair of nunchucks, before leaving again.
"Oh God." Nami whimpered.
"Yeah, maybe you try leaving those nunchucks with, like, anyone else?" Chopper started to sweat straight through his fur.
"WHY'D YOU SAY THAT?" Bepo suddenly got in his face. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT THE GREAT QUEEN, MEI MEI? YOU ARE UNFIT TO EVEN SPEAK HER NAME!"
"Rogue Mink!" Usopp yelled. "Someone stop him before we need to call a doctor!"
"Usopp, that is our doctor" Zoro grumbled.
"THAT MAKES THE SITUATION EVEN WORSE!"
Mei Mei observed the weapon in her paw, giving it an experimental swing. Momentum built up quickly, however, causing them to fly out of her grasp and into the skull of an unfortunate passing Granny panda. The ribbon dancer winced and ran off, hoping to distance herself from the scene of the crime.
Training continued, throughout the following days and nights. Through much sweat, tears and bruised private parts, the villagers had come to prove their mettle dozens of times over. Po stood on an outcrop, overlooking the fruits of his labour.
"They are ready." He smiled in victory, not even noticing a frazzled Tigress walk up behind him, her face contorted in befuddlement.
"What?" She questioned, only causing the smirk on Po's face to widen.
"Oh yeah, they're so doomed." Nami rubbed her eyes.
"If there's one thing I've learned, it's never count this panda out until all the chips are down." Franky grinned.
"Exactly! Shut up and let him work!" Luffy chortled at the navigator, instantly making her fume.
"THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME YOU RUBBERY MORON?!" Nami fumed, leaving her captain with two fresh steaming lumps on his head.
…
The village's entire population gathered around the Grand Dining Table near the Entrance gate, Po directed their attention to a map of the surrounding area with a bamboo shoot, using it move different clusters of food groups symbolising their own corresponding teams.
"Okay, pay attention, 'cause I'm only going to go over this ten more times. The only entrance to the village is here." He prodded at the location of the gate on the map. "The dumpling squadron will take position here, while the cookie squadron will take position here. Now on my signal, the two squadrons will… Right, ok."
The second that Po turned to address the crowd was all it took for a group of child pandas to completely devour the snacks. "The noodle squadron will…" Po barely had enough time to compose himself before the tertiary squadron met the same fate.
The sight of the small pandas consuming the literal components of the plans evoked a series of guttural reactions in most members of the audience. After all, this was not the first time many of them had seen a carefully composed stratagem fall to ruin at the hands of a gluttonous beast.
"This is bringing back bad memories." Brook whispered. "They're almost as bad as he is."
"No, they're better." Law sighed. "Straw Hat would've eaten the map as well."
"… I hate that I can't refute that." Usopp relinquished.
"Alright, ok. Anyway, the important thing to remember is that this is the spot where…" Po directed with the bamboo shoot, only to find it shredded by the youngster's maws. The Dragon Warrior had to take a moment, before chuckling and throwing the remains of the shoot away. "Okay, should have seen that one coming. If you remember one thing it's distract the jombies until I get in close enough to put a Wuxi Finger Hold on to Kai. You got it?"
The villagers cheered in agreement, before getting into their positions.
"That finger move again? That feels like cheating." Luffy said, furrowing his brow.
"That is the last thing you should be concerned about, man!" Usopp hissed at him with fervour.
"Kids are in danger!" Chopper added.
"Yeah… but aren't they already in danger if they're going to be fighting in a battle?" The captain pointed out.
…
"Po, come on man!" Usopp gestured towards the screen.
"Yeah, kids are in danger!" Chopper repeated.
"Pandas on three. One, two, three – Panda… you guys? Never mind. I'll teach you that one later." Po concluded his stratagem meeting awkwardly. His eyes scanned over the happy faces of the crowd, causing him to smirk. It quickly vanished, however, when he reminded himself of the grim stakes of this battle. He unfurled the Jade Scroll once more and scanned over its contents, hoping there was a hidden secret he may have missed.
Li motioned closer and rubbed his paw over the illustration of the panda Masters practicing the art of Chi Sharing. He sighed in forlorn resolution.
"Such a shame that a wonderful art and a piece of culture just had to die like that." Jimbei mused.
"It's the way of the world. Sometimes things are lost. Sometimes they find a way to come back. Sometimes we just had to enjoy them, while they are still there." Robin said.
"Didn't take you of all people to be the sentimental type." Law muttered.
"Well, I AM a historian." She giggled.
"I… I wish I could have taught you this son." He nearly whispered.
"It's okay, Dad. I'm…" Before Po could continue, a faint noise in the distance pricked at his ears. It was a rhythmical clanging, like stone being sliced against rock.
The villagers stopped all activity to listen to the noise, their fur all collectively standing on end.
"He's here." Tigress breathed.
"Here we go." Zoro grinned.
"You worry me sometimes, Mosshead." Sanji groaned at seeing his rivals apparent bloodlust. "Actually, I worry about you all the time."
"You should just worry about the surprise I left for you back in your quarters."
"… What does that mean? WHAT DID YOU LEAVE?"
"I told you, a surprise." The swordsman grinned.
Po darted past the entrance gate to the end of the rocky cliff, where the end of the rope elevator both began and ended. He peered down to notice the shape of a massive bull glowing an iridescent green, twin blades being swung around to create a green helix-like motion shape.
Kai burst into the air and latched his blades into the sturdy, compacted ice of the outcrop, using it as purchase to slingshot himself upwards to the frozen lake outside the village perimeter. When his eyes locked onto Po standing by the gate, they narrowed dangerously.
"Is it weird that I'm a little impressed?" Tashigi asked.
"I'd honestly find you weird if you didn't." Smoker puffed through his cigar. "As your superior, of course."
"Understood sir." She replied with a near-involuntary salute.
Law looked at the two officers with pure disdain. "And they wonder why people still become pirates."
However, despite his fear, Po couldn't help but be a little impressed.
"WOAH! That's what I call a dramatic entrance!"
"You must be the Dragon Warrior." Kai proclaimed.
"And you must be Kai! Beast of Vengeance. Maker of Widows."
Kai's shoulders lifted in relief. "Yes! Finally! Thank you… almost makes me want to spare your life." The bull chuckled as he scratched his chin with the end of one of his blades.
"It's really that easy? Then would you prefer it if we complimented your hair? Your horns? Your perfect bone structure?" Brook began to sweat. "Believe me, I'm an authority on the subject, Yohohoho…" The skeleton trailed off.
"How is it possible that you're brownnosing without having a nose?" Franky chortled.
"Shhh! I think hear you!" Brook hissed, making the cyborg facepalm.
"Oh, you wanna spare me? Why don't you spare me the chit chat? Let's do this.
"I'm going to take your chi, then the chi of every panda in the-"
"Ugh, chit chat."
"In the-"
"Chitty chitty chat chat."
"In-"
"Chat chat chat."
"In the-"
"Chit chat."
"PFFFHAHAHAHAHAH!" The youngest members of the audience collectively hollered at the act of blatant disrespect.
"I've never seen someone so confused before!" Usopp had to wipe a tear from his eye.
"Thank you! I was NOT in the mood to sit through another monologue from yet another psychopath." Sanji grinned.
"They do tend to all blend together after a while." Law admitted.
Kai silently fumed as he yanked of multiple pendants from his belt. Po silently ran away back in village. "Oh you pudgy little…" Kai whispered to the pendants in his hoof. "Round them up." The spirit bull tossed them into the air and swatted them with his blades, sending them soaring into the village walls. The pendants thunked into ground, before forming into their Jombies forms, consisting of Shifu, the Four and various other imprisoned Masters.
"Oh no! It's all true!" Po gasped. "You guys have all been turned green. Except you, Mantis, you were already green."
"Dude! Not cool! We don't need to bring colour into this!" Chopper said.
"I mean… it factors in a little bit here." Franky reasoned.
"He's FAR more green than usual." Bepo agreed.
"Plus, he's the bad kind of green." Luffy argued.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!" The doctor boomed, causing a symphony of facepalms.
Mantis twitched his antennae. Whilst the corrupted Masters focused on the target in front of them, the pandas waited in hiding spots dotted throughout the village, holding on for the moment to strike.
"Now?" Sum asked.
"Wait for the signal." Bao hissed back.
With a mental command, Kai's legion burst forward to attack.
"Here we go!" Po yelled, as he ran back into the village. Crane soared down; beak pointed forward like a hellish arrow aimed right at the panda's hide. Po twisted out of the way, before having to clamp down Croc's maw when he tried to take advantage of the opening. The reptilian pushed Po backwards, lining him up for Crane, who was circling back around for another attack.
"Dumpling squadron!" Po boomed. On his signal, Dim and Sum loosened the strings holding their hammocks taught, causing them to go flying.
"Belly Gong!" The two panda collided with Crane, sandwiching him, and knocking him out of the sky.
"Is that a combo variant of my move?" Luffy flared up once more.
"Not this again…" Sanji groaned.
"You don't own a move!" Usopp seethed. "Move on!"
"Stupid bears." Luffy grumbled, slumping down in his chair.
"Seriously? Kai chuckled, watching the scene using his shared vision with the other Jombies.
"We did it!" Dim cheered as both he and his brother landed safely on an outcrop.
Po gave them a thumbs up before diving over Crane's prone form. "Sorry, Crane!" He apologized before continuing to run and defend himself, barely dodging another chop from Croc, before running into the marketplace. There one of the youngsters lowered a wok from a hole in the ceiling, allowing Po to swing off it towards one of the adjacent rooves.
"Spring roll squad, time for some takeout!" At the order, a quarter-dozen members of the local rolling association curled up and pushed themselves down one of the many sheer rock faces surrounding the village. The Jombies had given chase and followed Po onto the roof, but that was exactly the plan. Po turned and halted his attackers using the wok, just as the Spring roll squad came crashing into them with the force of a sack of bricks.
"Ooooh… I don't envy them at all." Robin giggled.
"Those poor souls. They never stood a chance." Tashigi winced.
"Good thing they're all made out of jade, at least." Smoker huffed.
Before the enslaved masters could reap their vengeance, however, Po caught their attention with another whistle. "Yoohoo! Over here, Mr Jombie!" The panda then used the wok the sled down a snowy cliff, leading his pursuers into far more devious traps.
"I don't know who you are, either." The hatted villager chuckled as he suddenly engulfed the jade Monkey in a crippling hug.
"This one actually scares me." Zoro said, his brow twitching. "Maybe these Navy nitwits could actually do their job and arrest the real criminal here."
"That panda hugs people." Smoker countered. "All of you are actual terrorists."
"Suppose it's a matter of perspective."
"Noodle squad!" Po yelled, signalling Mei Mei to use her ribbon to disarm the Badger twins.
"Get ready to dance… with danger" The dancer chuckled as she unveiled her nunchucks and trapped the twins with a vicious flurry of strikes and ribbon twirls, which left them unable to defend themselves.
"Yes! My queen! Beat them all senseless!" Bepo cheered.
"I never thought I'd find someone who could actually out-perv Sanji." Usopp whispered closely into Nami's ear.
"I bet you 100 berri that I can prove you wrong within the next 20 seconds." The navigator responded mischievously.
"20 seconds? Alright, I'll take that action."
"Hoh hoh, sweet!" Po grinned as he continued to fend of Croc, who was quickly intercepted by Tigress. The living statue sneered at her, before whipping out it's tail with the intend to sweep her off he legs. Using her superior agility, Tigress flipped over and thrashed her hardened paws into the jade reptile's hide, greatly staggering it.
"Stripy baby!" Lei Lei cooed once more, before moving to grip Tigress' leg. Thinking quickly the big cat alternated between harmlessly launching the cub into the air and striking at Croc and locking him into a hold.
"Do it." Tigress grinned at the child.
"You're mean." Lei Lei pouted before smacking Croc with her action figure, allowing Tigress to press her assault.
"And she's good with annoying kids? Oh be still my heart?" Sanji proceeded to uncontrollably swoon at the display onscreen.
"Thank you so much for your patronage, Usopp. I'll take the cash when this done please." Nami smirked.
"Why'd I have to open my big mouth?" The sniper sighed, visibly deflated.
Po, meanwhile, ducked under another strike of Bear's dual axes, before the green predator came under fire by a multitude of firecrackers, courtesy of the hacky sack kids perched on the opposite roof.
"Fire! Fire in the hole." The kids cheered as they continued to pelt Bear with the firecrackers, until one eventually exploded in his mouth. "Yes!"
"Alright, kids! You got it guys!" Po cheered, before seeing that his newest pursuer was none other than Shifu. "Oh no, Master Shifu! I can't hit Shifu!" the panda cowered, before locking himself into a corner near the pantry.
"What?! That's ridiculous! Think about how many times he's pounded you into the dirt! Let him have it." Sanji rebuked.
"You're the last person to talk about holding themselves back in that regard." Zoro snickered at the chef's blatant hypocrisy.
"Trust me, when it comes to kicking your tail end I hold nothing back." The cook growled.
"Yet, I'm still here." The swordsman grinned, whilst taking a swig of sake.
CLANG! Before the diminutive Master could reach him, he collided into a fry pan, leaving a fresh indent in its surface. Po looked to see his saviour… or saviours.
"But I can!" Ping proclaimed.
"And so can I" Li added. The elder panda was decorated in a ramshackle piece of armour, constructed from piece of bamboo, and cooking equipped, armed with two heavy duty frying pans. Ping was strapped to his chest, similarly, equipped for a fight, or at least an incredibly awkward cooking session.
"Double Dad Defence!" The two boomed before jumping after Shifu and swinging wildly at him.
"They made a DIY Master Rhino armour? It's… a little lacking, but hey, you work with what you've got." Franky noted.
"This is so stupid; it may just work." Nami let her eye twitch at the ridiculous idea that two middle aged animals could defeat a seasoned Kung Fu Master with a bunch of cooking utensils and a baby carrier.
"That's soooo… cool!" Luffy practically drooled out.
"Left, Dad!" Li said.
"Right, Dad." Ping responded.
"Thanks, Dad."
"Back at you, Dad."
"We've got this son!" Li shouted back to Po, blocking more of Shifu's attacks with his cooking implements.
Go Dads! Yeah. Yeah! We got 'em now!" Po cheered as he clambered to the roof of the pantry, observing the chaos of the battle. All of the Jombies were preoccupied with the fighting, which meant…
Po scanned the icy lake outside the village, seeing Kai deep in a fit of spasms and fidgeting, smoke billowing from his mouth from the firecracker. If he saw everything his army did, then he should have been close to overloading with visual stimuli.
"Ah, I see. Quite brilliant! Flood the drones with sensory input and make sure that Kai is open to attack." Jimbei praised the shrewdness of the strategy.
"Indeed. Especially if that bull feels everything that his… Jombies do, then he's exploiting a key flaw in the enemy's defence. I need to give this panda more credit." Smoker agreed.
"Let's hold off celebration until its all finished shall we?" Law halted the older men's praise, with his taught tone.
"Stop, Stop. Enough!" He commanded to the air.
"Let's finish this." Po smirked, before he launched himself down the snowy cliff.
"That's our boy." Li and Ping beamed in pride, watching as Po rolled downwards, coating himself in a layer of fresh powder and, literally, snowballing towards Kai.
The spirit bull noticed the shape of the ivory sphere out of the corner of his eye and turned a second too late. Po burst from the snowball and clamped his thumb and index finger around Kai's hoof, trapping him in the Wuxi Finger Hold.
"Ha! Suck it you big, beefy loser!" Luffy cheered.
"I can't wait for this guy to go boom." Zoro said with a wicked grin.
"More accurately, he'd go 'splat'" Robin giggled at her crewmates.
"What is wrong with all of you?" Usopp stammered.
"Sorry buddy, gotta send you back to the Spirit Realm. Skadoosh." Po flexed his pinky and was met with an awkward silence. "Okay, that didn't work. Let me try one more time. Skadoosh! Skadoosh, skadoosh, skadoo- what the?
Kai doubled over in a mock choke. "Hold on, wait. It's working. No, no!" Kai wheezed, before transitioning into a sinister laugh. "No, its not. Did Oogway teach you that little trick? Too bad it only works on mortal. And I…" The bull grabbed Po by the wrist. "…Am a Spirit Warrior! Come!"
"Wait, what!?" Chopper screamed.
"When was that ever established?" Law questioned. "That definitely would've been nice to know earlier."
"Also, when was it ever established that the Wuxi finger Hold sends you to the Spirit Realm? That definitely feels tacked on." Tashigi said.
"My sentiments exactly." Robin agreed.
At his word, the enslave Masters compressed into their pendant forms, refuelling Kai with their strength. With a single flick of his wrist, the bull tossed Po out into the open ice, leaving him struggling to find his footing.
Kai didn't afford him a minute to breathe, executing a double flying spin kick that forced Po to drop the ice, leaving him open to a leg sweep that knocked him into the air. Po clenched his teeth before seeming to freeze mid-air. He turned to see Kai holding him by his waistband, before he kicked him high into the sky, jumped after him and planted a heavy kick into his stomach. The blow sent Po careening through the entrance gate, splintering it, and left him gasping for breath in the town square.
"So quick!" Luffy exclaimed. "He moved like a blur!"
"And that strength too." Brook added. "I mean… you'd have to be strong to lift Po like that with a single arm."
"Its not his strength." Zoro hissed. "It was stolen, not earned. It's disgraceful."
"Son!" Li yelled.
"Po!" Tigress ran up to her friend.
"I was wrong!" Po frantically heaved waving his hand at the mass of villagers that had congregated in the square. "I'm sorry. Run! RUN!"
At that moment, Kai landed before him, mockingly raising Oogway's pendant to his face. "So Oogway. This is the one destined to stop me? I will have his chi, then all of theirs!"
The pandas screamed at the proclamation and started to run, only to find their escape cut off by a wide swing of a jade blade, leaving them with nowhere to run.
"No… He just got them…" Robin breathed.
"If the hold didn't work on him then what will?" Bepo pulled at the fur on his head."
"I'm not even sure anymore." Franky admitted. "But I do know that Po won't give up until he's won, right?"
"Right." Luffy nodded, his belief unwavering.
Po scanned all of the helpless and scared face silently begging him for help. It tore away at him, knowing there was nothing he could do to alleviate their pain.
"And you… you really thought you could send me back to the Spirit Realm?" Kai continued to gloat. "You are just a stupid mortal."
Po froze. The final word, 'mortal' circulated around his head for a second, before an idea burst into his brain.
"It only works on mortals." He whispered to himself, before clambering to his feet. "You're right, I can't send you there." He allowed Kai a final snigger. "But I can take you there. What's that?!"
Po suddenly pointed towards the sky and, to his surprise, Kai 's eyes followed. In a flash, he had jumped onto Kai's back, locked his arm around his neck, and gripped his own pinky in a new Wuxi finger Hold.
"Wait… that's so smart!" Chopper exclaimed with joy.
"Incredibly creative to bypass the limitation of the hold by using it on the only mortal willing." Smoker praised.
"But wait, shouldn't that mean…" Franky began, before the scene continued.
"What?" Kai screamed.
"Po!" Tigress warned.
"Son!" Li eeped in worry.
Po took a last second to memorized all their faces before he flexed his pinky. "Skadoosh!" In an instant, both he and Kai were enveloped in a brilliant golden light.
"SON!" Li and Ping screamed.
"No!" Roared Kai seconds before the light swallowed him before it boomed outwards into a shockwave.
In the aftermath of the explosion, the villagers unshielded their eyes and were met with the sight of a large yin-yang symbol constructed from flower petals at the point where Po had once stood.
"UWAHHH!" Franky cried out a river of tears. "HE SACRIFICED HIMSELF FOR THE GREATER GOOD OF HIS FAMILY! LIKE A TRUE WARRIOR!"
"We know, Franky. We're watching the same film you are." Nami grumbled as the cyborg's tears doused her.
"I CAN'T HELP IT! IT'S POETRY IN MOTION!"
"Wha… what happened? Where's Po?" Li asked/
"He took Kai away. He saved us." Tigress breathed.
"He saved us… but who's saving him?" Ping worried frantically.
…
Po felt the force of the explosion recede and opened his eyes. He was met with an ethereal, verdant glow and an entire continents worth of floating rubble. Po gasped in amazement; he must have been the first mortal soul in history to pass to the Spirit Realm before his time.
"Whoa, the Spirit Realm, it worked!" Po's awe didn't last long, however, before he found himself tossed off Kai's back and thrown into the dirt.
"Ah, okay. So we have the exact same problem as we did before. That's wonderful." Law rolled his eyes.
"Not exactly. Now there are giant floating rocks." Brook added.
"… I don't think that's the gamechanger you think it is." The Ex-Warlord sighed.
"Get off me you…" Kai froze mid-sentence and snarled upon seeing his surroundings. "You brought me back?!"
"Don't blame me." Po squeaked out meekly. "I tried to finish this in the regular realm."
"Then we'll finish it here!" The Spirit Bull charged Po and punted him directly at a large piece of flying rubble. Whilst his opponent was mid-air, Kai threw out his blades after his target.
"Oh fantastic. Now he's mad." Nami whimpered, head in hands.
"I wonder if Spirit Warrior can even get high blood pressure?" Chopper scrunched his eyebrows together in thought.
"How can you be thinking that at a time like this?!" Usopp squealed in fright.
"Because maybe since they're in the afterlife, he can't kill him?" The doctor hypothesised.
"Huh… I hadn't thought of that. Maybe you're right."
Seeing them coming, Po inhaled his gut and squeezed his way into the space between the blades. Unfortunately, that was exactly what his opponent seemed to be counting on, as the blades 'thunked' into the side of the rubble, allowing Kai the drag the mass backwards and blindside Po from behind. The panda screamed as he was dragged straight towards the bull's fist which smashed him directly through the rubble into the green void.
Kai still wasn't finished, thought, taking the opportunity to wrap Po within a cocoon of chains before, slowly, but surely, dragging him towards his open arms, ready to receive his chi.
"On second thoughts, never mind! Wy would you get my hopes up like that, you horned demon!" Usopp wailed.
"I SORRY! I'M NOT A DEMON! I'M A GOOD BOY!" Chopper began to cry, causing nearly the whole audience to glare daggers at the sniper, who crumpled under their gaze.
Po felt a wave of nausea hit him, as a new skin comprised of jade slowly crept up his body like a cancerous growth.
…
Back in the Physical Realm, Li, Ping, and the villagers gasped in worry as the petal symbol on the floor began to disperse and lose its vibrant colour. Li helplessly clutched at the petals and clutched his paws.
"Come on, son. Fight!" He then turned to the other villagers. "We have to help him. Everyone gather around. That's it. Come in close. Come on. We can do this." Li clumsily began to copy the movement he had seen in the Jade Scroll, all the others following his lead. "Po, you taught us who we were meant to be." He extended his palm towards the dying symbol. "A father."
Tigress followed with her own palm. "A friend." Then others followed.
"Woah! They're lending him their energy!" Luffy cheered. "Is he gonna use it to make a giant chi bomb?"
"I doubt it." Zoro grunted.
"It makes sense though. We saw that chi is at its most powerful when it was given voluntarily. Kai takes the power, but it is lessened through that forceful acquisition." Jimbei surmised.
"So it's a 'get-what-you-give' situation?" Franky asked.
"Exactly."
"A dumpling kicker."
"A lethal fighting machine."
"A hugger."
"A nunchuck chick."
"Stripy baby."
Finally, Ping outstretched his wing. "A family." Collectively, the palms of the villages began to glow a vibrant gold, their collective energy cascading into the symbol.
Despite the unrelatability of the situation, Luffy couldn't help but give a sincere grin at the shared love between Po and the panda community. It wasn't often that one could be so readily accepted by those who they considered to be strangers a few days ago but seeing them all readily willing to give their life energy for the younger panda made the captain wish other peoples of the world would be as willing to accept the unknown as they were.
…..
Po wanted to muster the energy to thrash against his bonds, but found himself unable the fight, and was now barely able to keep his eyes open long enough to witness Kai's horrific smirk. Then he hear a small 'clink' and looked to see a chip in his jade shell, in the shape of a paw. Before long, more appeared and littered the green skin, causing glowing cracks to form around Po's body.
"Is this power of the chi?" Tashigi questioned.
"Nope, it's the power of their bonds." Zoro answered. "Y'know, love and all that mushy stuff."
Kai's green eyes widened in disbelief as all of Po's energy, and then some, returned to him.
"Sweet." Po smirked, before he exploded outwards in a ball of golden light, terraforming the sickly green of the Spirit realm into a brilliant gold. Kai unshielded his eyes and focused on Po, who was now draped in a gold and silver warrior vest, complete with a wide brimmed straw hat and billowing cape. He studied his new appearance with glee.
"Oh wow…" Usopp gasped.
"So majestic." Robin giggled.
"Finally! Looking like a true Kung Fu Master!" Brook cheered. "I'd love to have me one of those, but seeing how I'm mostly bones, I'd probably fall straight through them! Yohohoho!"
"Who are you?" Kai asked in sincere befuddlement.
"I've been asking the same question." Po answered as he weaved through multiple stances, he paws leaving behind trails of golden light as he moved. "Am I the son of a panda? The son of a goose? A student? A teacher? It turns out, I'm all of them." Po stopped and the golden trails of light solidified around him not the shape of a giant dragon avatar. "I am the Dragon Warrior."
"Oh my… that's so cool!" Luffy laughed. "I'd didn't know Kung Fu let you turn into a dragon!"
"It doesn't." Law said bluntly.
"He's finally achieved his full potential. That's so SUPER!" Franky blubbered through a cascade of tears.
"Good on you, kid." Smoker appraised.
The avatar mimicked the panda's movements exactly, rising menacingly… before keeling over and burst into a fit of laugher. "Get it? See the giant dragon? Get ready to feel the thunder!"
Kai recoiled slightly, the disparity between the intimidating dragon, and the goofball controlling it, sent a shock through his brain, leaving him unable to respond.
"This is awesome!" Po cheered, before he darted away a swerved through the surrounding rubble with reckless abandon. He chomped down on air, marvelling at how the avatar perfectly copied his motions.
"And throughout it all, he's still the same bumbling goofball." Nami shook her head in mock disappointment.
"They say we never lose the best parts of ourselves, my dear Nami." Sanji began, before devolving in his usual impassioned ramblings. "Just like how you'll never lose your gorgeous smile!"
"Alright… calm down lover boy." Usopp pulled him away, before he could drool on anything.
Meanwhile, Kai had overcome his shock, jumping in the air to chase Po, and whipping one of his blade after him.
"Uh oh." Po snapped around and caught the blade with the avatar's mouth. Using the elongated neck, The Dragon Warrior whipped Kai around like a ragdoll, causing him to tear through multiple floating structures as if they were made of tissue.
"Belly Gong!" Po then bounced Kai off the avatar's stomach as if he were a paddle ball, before dragging him into the tail. "Butt Slap!"
"That was just cruel." Zoro snickered at the display.
"I've never seen anyone fight in such a profoundly disrespectful way before." Tashigi agreed.
"Really? You should see how you fight then." The swordman snarked at her, causing her to fume and pout.
"How dare you!"
Kai flew through the void of the Spirit Realm, before digging one of his blade into the stone of a passing ruin. He looked to his free hoof to see his other blade gone, before turned back to see it lodged in the avatar's mouth.
"Perhaps a bit of lunch, cause I'm starving." Po teased, before the avatar slurped up the blade like a giant noodle. The Spirit Bull could see through the dragon's permeable skin, the blade going through an accelerated digestion, before disappearing completely. Po rubbed his belly in satisfaction, the dragon copying his action.
"And now he's eating his weapons? That's just not right." Brook began to retch, despite his non-existent stomach and gag reflex.
"Shishshishi. Now go! Finish that horned loser off!" Luffy exclaimed in excitement.
"That's right, Po! Leave him in the dust!" Franky whooped.
Kai growled before launching himself of his piece of floating debris towards Po. He sliced harmlessly through the avatar, before being swallowed and whipped around by its coils, leaving him wrapped in chains.
"Let's do this!" Po cheered, latching onto the free-floating blade, and dragging Kai behind him. "Heads up!" He yipped playfully as the bull smashed into nearly every available piece of floating terrain in the realm on their flight, until he was eventually cratered into the remains of a large citadel.
"And the humiliation continues. At this point he should really consider finishing himself off. That way he could at least preserve some of his dignity."
"That got way too dark!" Usopp yelped. "There's no way we're at that point yet!"
"'Yet.' So it comes later then?"
"IT COMES NEVER!"
Po floated in the air, the dragon coiling around him. Kai hauled himself to his feet, his hooves cascading with green energy.
"It took five hundred years to take Oogway's chi. I will have yours even if it take me five hundred more!" The bull roared through his fresh bruises.
"Chitty chitty chat chat. Chitchat." Po taunted with a couple of juvenile gestures, infuriating Kai to the point where he immediately charged the panda.
"Every second I love this panda more and more." Sanji said, attempting to cover a smile grin with his open hand.
"He does have a way of growing on you, doesn't he?" Bepo agreed.
"Like a pimple." Luffy agreed.
"Oh my God, STOP!" The chef roared.
Po curled his hands inwards, the dragon leaving his frame and coiling behind him, forming a large yin-yang symbol. "You want my chi so bad? Then take it." Po outstretched his paws acting as a conduit for the avatar, which flowed from him directly into Kai.
"Yes! The power is mine!" The bull cheered, feeling the warmth of the golden aura wash over him." As the glow continued to permeate his body, however, the pendants hanging from his belt began to vibrate and snap outwards. "Wait, no. It's too much!" Kai started to panic, his sickly green eyes turning a brilliant gold, as rays of light leaked from his mouth. "That's too much! No. NO!"
"All that power and he was done in by a bad case of dramatic irony." Nami smirked evilly.
"Well, you know what they say about Pride and the fall." Smoker added.
"I'm just relieved the village is finally safe." Chopper exhaled.
"I couldn't agree more." Robin smiled in agreement.
The Spirit Bull exploded outwards in a golden explosion that permeated the realm. Kai was no more.
…..
Li breathed outward, tears threatening to burst from the sides of his eyes as he lowered his paw in resignation. He had broken his promise to his beloved wife, and he would have to find a way to live with that. As soon as he began to turn, however, the leftover symbol ballooned with golden energy, resulting in another explosion. When the villagers turned to see the source, pellets of light burst forward, before landing back on the ground and reverting back to the forms of the stolen Masters. Those from the Eastern Provinces, the secluded hamlets and eventually the Valley of Peace.
Shifu awoke with a start, looking like he had just risen from a long dream, whilst the remaining members of the Five reverted back to their previous states all around him
"We're back!" Viper cheered.
"A complete triumph! Truly an achievement worthy of a song." Brook readied his violin, only to be met by a death glare from Nami, who clearly wasn't in the mood for such frivolity. "At a later date!"
I really should start giving that panda more credit." Smoker muttered.
"Yeah, he's awesome." Luffy grinned
"Bestie!" Monkey yelled in triumph, holding Mantis above his head in triumph.
"I'm still green! It didn't work!" Mantis half-screamed, patting his thorax with his claws before sighing in relief. "Oh wait, that's my normal green." Unfortunately, the insect didn't have the time to relish his newfound freedom before being taken prisoner once again.
"Greeny baby!" Lei Lei giggled, before mashing Mantis against her Tigress action figure (doll) against each other in an awkward make out display.
"Not a baby! Not a baby! Antenna of Fear!" The Master yelled helplessly.
"I bet you wish your named attacks worked now don't you, bug?" Sanji snickered.
"I'd almost feel sorry for the guy if he weren't such a loudmouth." Nami chuckled.
For Li and Ping, there was one glaring absence among all these reunions, however. "What about Po?" The elder panda asked.
"Have you seen Po?" Tigress questioned Viper.
"No. He's not here?"
"Po… Po? Why isn't he back?" Ping started groan in despair, the petals of the yin-yang symbol now visibly wilting.
"Oh, I forgot about that part…" Chopper said, deflating noticeably.
"How would he even get out?" Usopp wondered. "I thought the Spirit Realm was a prison.
"It's not a prison." Zoro reminded him. "It's the actual afterlife."
"WAIT, WHAT?!" Usopp exclaimed, not even considering the possibility.
"Driven to the great beyond, before it was even his time." Brook lamented. "How terrible."
Now all that was left was for the audience to see how this grand tale resolved itself.
…
Po floated through eternity with a serenity he had never experienced before. It wasn't the calm of a pleasant dream, but closer to the feeling of fulfilment one had after a successful raid of the pantry, without Shifu managing to clobber him six ways to Sunday. It was peaceful. It was earned. He felt like he could spend a thousand years here and barely notice.
"Woah…" Luffy once again was in awe at the splendour of the Spirit Realm, now returned to its mystical golden splendour. How he wished he could bound around that floating, illuminated landscape to his heart's content. Alas, it was not to be.
"This place truly is too beautiful for words." Nami smiled.
"Isn't it just? I wonder if the real after life is like this place." Franky wondered.
"…I'm not sure I want to think about that just yet." The ginger navigator let out a small, exasperated sigh.
When Po did take in his surroundings, seeing the vast golden lake populated with a small island housing a peach tree at its centre, he also noticed one of Kai's jade pendants suspended in mid-air like he was. In a soft golden glow, it morphed into the unmistakable visage of…
"Dragon Warrior."
"Oogway!" Po gaped, unintentionally twirling around. "I can't believe it. You're all shiny."
"Oogway!" Usopp and Chopper cheered at the tortoise's appearance.
"Looks like you really can't keep and old tortoise down." Zoro grinned.
"Doesn't look a day over 300." Brook giggled. "I'd ask him for his skincare routine, but I don't have any! Yohohoho!"
"As are you." The tortoise giggled.
"I know, right? It's like the best cape ever. When I run with it, then it looks really cool." The panda performed a mock run, making his cape flutter.
"It suits you. You've grown."
Jimbei allowed himself a gentle smile, whilst the younger members nodded in contentment. In a way, it was as if the audience was watching a child finally grow into his own. As if all of Po's hard work had finally all paid off.
"Yeah. Gotta lay off the panda buffet." Po chuckled, patting his belly, whilst Oogway and he landed on a small wooden boat.
"Grown up." The tortoise corrected, before paddling gently using his staff. "As I hoped you would when I sent the message to your father."
Po gasped. "You were the one who sent the universe mail?! Whoa…"
"Universe mail?" Luffy frowned. "Like a News Coo? A giant universe-sized News Coo?"
"Thank you, for that horrifying mental image." Law grumbled.
"I really hope that's not what he's talking about but knowing this tortoise…" Franky winced.
"Yes. Because the universe needed you."
"Me?"
"You have finally become the panda you were always meant to be." Oogway praised.
"But how'd you know I could?" Po questioned.
"On the first day we met." Oogway conjured two circular pools of mist around him, before gesturing to the one on his left. "I saw the future of Kung Fu." The pool showcased a snippet of the day Po was chosen to be the Dragon Warrior. "And I saw the past." The other showed the panda chi Masters of old practicing their craft.
"I saw the panda that could unite them both." Oogway continued. "That is why I chose you Po. Both sides of the Yin and Yang. And my true successor." The tortoise presented his jade staff to the young panda.
"What?" Luffy grimaced.
"So, all this time, all of this was just meant to happen?" Nami asked.
"That' so stupid!" Zoro growled. "So there was no real need for him to put in the effort, because it was just 'supposed' to be?"
"Being told there is a path and actually walking it are two very different things, Roronoa." Tashigi informed the swordsman gently.
"Oh, what do you know, glasses?" Zoro huffed, causing Tashigi's face to flush red with rage.
Po felt his throat tighten and scratched the back of his neck. "Me I – I can't take that."
"Just take it. I have a bigger one." Oogway chuckled.
"I mean you're enlightened and everything. I'm just…" Po stopped before a grin spread across his face. "Oh… really?"
"Yes." The Grandmaster nodded.
"Hey, let's not be too hasty. I'm sure there's some weaselling room available for the bigger one." Nami said, slyly rubbing her hands together.
"He's talking about an incredibly important, mystical artifact! Have some tack!" Usopp hissed at her.
"Wrong. He's talking about an incredibly expensive, important mystical artifact." The navigator corrected.
"You're unbelievable."
Po froze, before suddenly flailing his new staff around. He heard Oogway laugh lightly, causing him to chuckle lightly in an attempt to save face. "Now what do we do?" He asked.
"Hmm, you tell me." Oogway began to melt into a breeze of peach petals.
"No! Oogway, don't go!" Po yelled, only to be met with Oogway reforming a second later on one of the branches of the island tree.
"I'm not going anywhere. I live here."
"Where else did you think he would go to?" Brook chuckled. "Once you're dead that's it, no getting around it with some mystical mumbo-jumbo."
The audience slowly turned to look at the musician, wondering if he was being facetious or if he was genuinely that lacking in self-awareness.
"Oh. Right."
"It is you who must decide whether to stay or go."
"Wait. I can go back?" Po questioned.
"Who knows? I've never tried." The old Master answered before returning to his well-deserved rest.
"Wait, there is a way to escape death?!" The musician was confounded. "That's got to be impossible! Truly incredible"
The remaining audience members looked baffled at the skeleton's statement and gave a collective hand-raise in confusion.
Po immediately flipped his staff around in a circular motion, drawing a yin-yang symbol in the water. The second it was complete, a familiar golden shockwave was released and bathed the panda in its warm light.
"Wow." The panda laughed.
…
The flower petals from the symbol at the village centre suddenly refilled with life, before being picked up by a forceless wind and whipped into a miniature tornado. In a flash of light, Po appeared, floating on the breeze like a creature of legend. The village cheered at the sight, whilst Li and Ping shed tears of joy.
"Po!" Li gasped in amazement.
"You can fly!" Ping cheered.
Po prepared himself to give an appropriate one-liner for the situation… before the petals dissipated and he flopped to the ground, his Spirit garb now replaced by his usual set of ragged pants. Not letting it deter him, he turned to both of his fathers.
"He can't look cool to save him life." Chopper giggled at Po's usual display of physical humiliation.
"Right. Never change your SUPER panda!" Franky wailed, tears threatening to brew once more.
"Dad. Dad. DADS!" Po moved to engulf his fathers in a well-deserved hug.
"Son!" Li and Ping eagerly returned the gesture.
"Don't you go disappearing in petals ever again!" The old goose commanded sternly.
"We thought we lost you." Li said.
"No. You saved me. You all did. Now come one over here!" Upon that, everyone ran up to him and gifted him with their own embrace.
"Awwww! Family reunion! It's SUPER beautiful!" The tears had come through like a world's worth of tsunami's.
"He's finally found his place to belong." Robin smiled gently.
"Two extras dads and everything." Usopp said wistfully, before smiling himself.
"Hugs!" The hatted villager cheered.
"Master Shifu." Po turned to address his superior who reciprocated with a warm smile.
"The student has truly become the tea…" Shifu glanced at the jade staff in shock. "… Wait, where did you get that?"
"Oh, this. Oogway gave it to me in the Spirit Realm."
"And apparently, he still has the bigger one." Nami seethed.
"God, let it go." Zoro grunted.
"Not until he does!"
Shifu sighed heavily. "Of course he did."
Po smiled meekly as he fiddled with the staff. "I think I mastered chi."
Shifu sighed again. "Of course you did." He turned his head, hopefully. "Can you… teach me?"
Po merely smiled in response, before looking to everyone else. It seemed he had his work cut out for him this time.
"Oooh, that's gotta sting." Sanji could barely restrain his laughter, wishing he could have had Zeff in a similar position.
"Points to him, though. I don't think I could swallow my pride in that situation." Law said, giving the tiniest hint of a smile.
"Training never stops." Smoker grunted. "There's always something new to learn.
…..
Festivity was ripe in the air at the courtyard of the Jade Palace as nearly the entire Valley of Peace, and more, had found themselves tightly packed into the into its stadium seats. It was part celebration for the shared victory, but far more importantly, it was the first demonstration of chi-gifting in hundreds of years, all thanks to the Dragon Warrior and his newfound mastery over the ancient art.
"Woah! Cool party!" Luffy cheered. "Why do we never get invited to thing like these?"
"'Cause we bring the party." Zoro grinned.
"Hell yeah, brother!" Franky cheered.
Po couldn't be happier even if he tried. He looked over the crowd that had come to witness his first lesson, over the people who he had saved and who had saved him. He marvelled at how far he had truly come since his accident with those fireworks and how blessed he felt to be in this position.
Friends and family cheered and danced to music before finally readying themselves to begin the lesson. They collectively raised their palms, allowing a wave of golden light to gradually balloon outwards into a tidal wave that washed over the land.
"Incredible..." Jimbei whispered.
"You're telling me." Nami agreed.
"An ancient art has been restored to the world." Robin couldn't control her smile. "You definitely don't see that every day."
"It's just like you said. Sometimes things are lost. But sometimes things have a way of coming back." Law countered.
At the valley's edge, a singular wilting flower bloomed under the aid of the light, born anew and ready to bask in the sun.
THE END.
"THAT WAS AWESOME! NOT AS GOOD AS THE OTHERS, BUT I DON'T CARE!" Luffy hollered as loudly as he possibly could.
"I'm so happy you enjoyed it." Nami grumbled, picking popcorn kernels out of her hair which had been haphazardly dunked on her when her captain shot his arms into the air.
"A thoroughly enjoyable experience." Robin agreed.
"I wish I knew how to do Kung Fu…" Chopper mourned.
"But you do." Usopp reminded him.
"WAIT, YOU'RE RIGHT!" The reindeer cheered, his mood performing a sudden whiplash in tone.
"Ugh, seats were killer on my back." Zoro huffed.
"Well, good news you won't have to be sitting on them much longer." Lumiere's voice rang over an intercom snail. "Gotta get prepped for the next showing."
"Wonder if that fair, has anymore goodies?" Usopp thought aloud.
"Yes! Let's do that!" Luffy agreed almost instantly.
"Great, as long as it gets you out of… wait. Sir? What are y- BZZT" The intercom snail fizzled out, indicating something had happened on the other end.
"That didn't sound promising." Tashigi said.
"No.. it didn't." Smoker agreed. "Let's go" He said before he bolted for the exit.
"Right, sir." She acknowledged, following quickly.
The pirates shared a collective glance.
"We should just let them do their job, right?" Brook asked.
"I mean, they are getting paid for it." Nami agreed. "Now let's… dammit Luffy!"
The others looked to see a silhouette shaped exactly like the rubber boy, standing exactly where he had been a moment prior, whilst the exit doors made a loud 'clunk' as the closed after being swung open.
"Never a dull day." Zoro huffed. "Alright, let's go." He ordered, and the rest followed.
Hello! It's been a while hasn't it. Life is a mystery and rife with change. It just so happens that those changes often interfere with what you love, leaving very little time for it. The trilogy has finally been completed, and I know, as such, this is probably where I'm going to lose the majority of you. There will be one more chapter for wrap up purposes, but I'm very aware that most of you are only here for the reactions. To those people I want to say a whole-hearted 'Thank You.' When I started this, it was mostly as a joke to drum up attention. I didn't think over 100,000 people would actually enjoy this shitty piece of writing that much, but thanks for your interest, your critiques, and your support. I wouldn't have done this without them.
I've got other stuff cooking in the oven, but I have real-life worries to… worry about, so it'll come when it'll come. In the meantime, I hope you've enjoyed, and I'll see you when I see you.
Ciao.