Xochitl should have known better for letting Hemera choose the place to eat. It was one of those new European shops that had recently opened (if the banner at the front was anything to go by). She felt ridiculously out of place as she brushed stray hair out of her face. She wasn't the one to always compare herself to another, but she knows she was rather underdressed for the occasion: an old flower embroidery huipil and a skirt she had hastily ironed before leaving her house. The other person that stuck out was her Kouhai. His street clothes stood out like a stain on a new white satin cloth. Xochitl should have just said no, she was certain they were more affordable eateries around. They had passed five street stalls before deciding to stop here. But Hemera was far from satisfied after asking Henri whether those street vendors have the standard necessary for proper hygiene. In good jest, Henri replied, "They go right there, I reckon," he should have known that Hemera would have taken it literally.
As if sensing her worries, Henri turned to Xochitl, smiling, "Don't worry, I got this covered." flashing his wallet. Xochitl all but hum in reply. The salad at best was a huge chunk of her weekly pay. Besides, as she looked to inspect her Kouhai, who seemed to take a liking to her side. Nothing on the menu seemed to be to his liking. If Xochitl remembers, the boy always ordered picadillo (no peppers) with plain rice. Or bean and rice with a serving of mixed vegetables with brown stew gravy (again, no chilli pepper). Everything else on the menu, from what she was seeing, was too flavoursome for his cat tongue [1].
"Say, you've decided as yet?" asked Henri. Xochitl nodded.
Should she take the initiative and ordered for her Kouhai or was she too brazen?
"You don't mind if I order the wrap for you as well?" He cocked his head up to her. She had phrased her question correctly, right?
"Sure, as long there is no—"
"Peppers. I know. Two wraps, one with extra pepper and one without."
Henri exchanged looks between the two, before leaning toward Xochitl, in English, he asked, "When did you know what the kid like?"
Xochitl shrugged her shoulders. After Henri hadn't gone with Hemera to the cashier, she decided then perhaps he wanted more than a mere action from her. (So nosey). "I know all my regular orders," she hoped he would be gone by now, but he remained there. Deep in thought. An emotion she hasn't recognized was on his face. Finally, he said, reticently, "Do you remember mine?" Xochitl sighed. Henri and his game, but she shouldn't drag this out the sooner she gave him his answer the sooner she will get her wrap. "Yeah, pork pozole, with extra shredded cabbage on top." A slap on her shoulders, trying to be teasing, friendly.
Friendly? Yes, friendly. On that topic, Xochitl had noticed Hemera had (definitely) become more friendly, as she chatted away with Henri.
"I had expected the place to be more popular, they have such excellent ranges of item. Perhaps, the marketing team isn't as good as I expected. I think the people of Harajuku would gravitate to it. Since it has all the right appeal for today's youths."
Or perhaps, the pricing wasn't as appealing. Nevertheless, Xochitl kept such thoughts to herself.
Henri nodded in agreement, "I agree with you. The service was excellent as well. And all the staff speak fluent Japanese, so it was a bit of a surprise that they weren't as crowded. The advertisement is to blame."
He turned to Xochitl asking for her opinion on the matter and she was too stunned to speak. To think they don't grasp the reason as to why it wasn't popular flabbergasted her. She wanted to laugh at them and hit them upside their heads for their ignorance. Instead, she just gave them a shrug. If they are too dull to figure it out, that was on them. Besides, she didn't see it in herself to enlighten them. Too tiring.
"You should have ordered something more, or another wrap. Wasn't it delectable?" asked Henri.
Xochitl debated with herself whether to give him a proper answer or not. In the end, she said, "I am sensible, you know nothing of money management."
"There you go, being a sourpuss. Liven up! It is not like I am spending my own money," A laugh followed as he pushed at her shoulders, egging her on.
Xochitl took the bait, "And that doesn't frighten you?"
"Frightened by the new things I have purchased, perhaps yes." Another laugh, his footsteps slowing now to match hers.
"Leeches."
"Takes one to know one."
Xochitl hummed, then remarked with a smirk, "Perhaps. But would it still be considered leeching if the other person openly volunteers to be leeched off?"
Henri laughed, this time it reaches his eyes. He placed his hands on her shoulder to anchor himself as he doubled over. Eyes wet, "You are a riot Xochitl. Don't it Hemera?"
"Oh?" Hemera had not expected to be so suddenly invited into their chatter. "Oh, yes." She then continued to say, dwindling with her fingers, "Say, what is this all about? I think I am missing some context."
Henri then nudged Xochitl on her side, "It's private." A wink after.
"Oh," said Hemera, again, "I suppose friends are liable to keep their secrets from outsiders."
Henri playfully, (or so Xochitl likes to think) mocked her, parroting back her words, "Jeez Hemera you and such talk. We are all friends here, right Xochitl. Sure is," he answered for her.
If the two said anything else, Xochitl didn't hear it. Distracted by the tug on her sleeves, she turned to meet brown eyes, and her stomach dropped. She had forgotten him (again). It is becoming something like a trend. Before she could dwell on such thoughts, the boy began to talk, "I'm going to leave now,"
Have they bored him? Xochitl wouldn't be surprised if they did.
The boy then started to search his pocket, to reveal his phone, "I am going to meet my friends." his words were laced with… disappointment?
"What?" Hemera's voice cut through clear as they face her.
"Keisuke-bou is leaving, and we have not even finished our sightseeing. Don't tell me we have bored you,"
Xochitl didn't know if their kouhai would have answered Henri (his mouth pulled in a grim line), and she would never get to know as she soon hear herself saying, "He's going to meet up with some friends."
Hemera was the one to talk first, "Well that's nice. I was starting to think you were tired of us. You don't mind if I ask where?"
A pause. He looked from Hemera to Henri, then to Xochitl finally. Perhaps, Hemera was being too forward she should say something—
"At the Yoyogi Park."
Yoyogi Park? Xochitl had heard of it from Hitoshi, from what he had said the bird sanctuary was a must-see sight. She always had plans to visit but her father had promised to go with her. "A date." He said which led her to involuntarily scowled. As if. Nevertheless, Xochitl waited for the invite, she dares say, circled the date he had first proposed to her on her calendar. After, she had drawn an X through it when he put it off for another time. Yet, despite herself, Xochitl went ahead and highlight another date. When he told her over the phone, a month after arriving in Japan. That after his trip from Sakata, this time their date was sure to happen. That too, met the end with an X. Soon she had to throw away the calendar, which no longer suited the aesthetic of her room with the graffiti on her pen. It was such a shame too, being one of the first things she bought after the tiring flight.
But!
This time he promised to her, face-to-face, in her room. Sucking on his pierced thumb, which was pricked after offering to embroider one of her blouse collars, their date would come to fruition.
"In spring, I remember when I was a boy, I visited Tokyo with my father. He brought me there to view the Sakura blossoming. Growing up in the countryside, I've always seen blossoming of many cherry trees, but that spring, those blossoms were truly stunning. I thought I even cried." He laughed (such a fool). Xochitl remembers pricking his hands with her needle, prompted by his foolhardiness. He cried before nursing his palm. "After the viewing at the Naka River, just you and me, we will take a walkout to Yoyogi Park. Mother can pick us up afterwards, yes?"
After a silence, she turned to him, her eyes to his, "You will have to mark that date on your calendar." Her answer was yes, as she just hoped the idiot understood. He laughed. Xochitl snorted. Such a fool.
Now it was mid-autumn. The promise of a typhoon hanging in the air made the place grey and glum and she wondered how the park looked now without its blessing from spring. What if she was just to sneak a look, she wouldn't be a promise-breaker if it was just a glance. Like Moses on Mount Abarim looking over to Canaan. She wondered if such fate awaited her like Moses. To see only the promise.
"Oh, well take care. Nice meeting you Baji-san," said Hemera, whilst Henri gave a languid wave.
Their kouhai turned to go, when Xochitl said, "I will walk you there…as a senpai," she quickly added the last part after a curious look from the boy.
"That's wonderful!" Hemera perked up, clasping her hands as she turned to Henri silently asking for his view.
Henri hummed in reply, "Why the sudden interest?"
Xochitl shrugged, "Nothing. Does there got to be a reason?"
Henri didn't reply. Now at the boy's side, she said, over her shoulder to Henri, "You can wait for me until I return." That would keep him going for the rest of the afternoon. She and her kouhai turn the corner out of their view.
The moments which followed next were nothing but beautiful silence. Xochitl could see herself enjoying this. Despite the gloomy weather and news of a typhoon making landfall in a couple of days, the streets of Tokyo were teeming with people. This would be her first time experiencing a typhoon in Japan, there was this sense of childlike curiosity brimming at her toes and fingertips. The sisters at church were very much taken up with it. From what she had heard this would be one of the first typhoons to hit Tokyo after the war. The sisters and some of the postulants were supposed to be at church today, stocking up with groceries and sewing blankets and pillows. They usually used the church hall for shelter for those whose homes are usually flooded in storms. Tomorrow, she and her mother would stay back after the sermon to make jams and salted fish for shelter residents to come. On that topic, hadn't Yamal asked her to come in today to help install some weather strips on the windows? Oh well. If she is free Monday, maybe she would help. That is if they are not finished. (She hoped they would be by then).
"Sochito," she should have known that her silence would not last forever. Nevertheless, it was good for when it lasted as she looked down at the boy. Humming to tell him that she was waiting for him to finish. "Are you still interested in me introducing you to the other music stores?"
Hmm…ah! Xochitl had almost forgotten about that. "Yes. That sounds nice."
Then silence. She should wash her hair when she reached home and then asked her mother to make another Cinta for her on her newly bought loom. Xochitl wonder if she could convince her father or even her mother to buy one just for her. Maybe she was hoping for too much, but she could try. Right?
"What's Henri to you?"
Oh? Oh, she hadn't expected that. Isn't he curious (nosey would be a better word for it)? But a simple answer wouldn't hurt. "We are just friends." When did he start to be curious bout Henri, hadn't he found the older boy annoying? Perhaps she was just reading into him wrong.
"He's annoying," he grumbled.
Ah, then she was right, then why the sudden interest? A smile: "I know. That is his charm I suppose." Another smile.
"How long have you known him?" he then looked up to her, his eyes to hers. She broke the eye contact as she tilted her head up thoughtfully.
"We met shortly after I moved here. My father knew his father and being so closed in age — I don't know, we just sort of hit it off?"
A pause, then, "How are you liking Japan?" It feels as if he was just fishing for ways to continue to talk to her. Nonetheless, Xochitl didn't dwell long on that thought as she answered with a snort. "It could be worse."
A thoughtful hum from him, then nothing else. She was more than happy for the silence. She played with a stay thread from her huipil.
Through the spaces of the thick clouds come the glow of dull oranges. Her foot ache despite the short distance they had walked. The result of spending the better part of the day walking down Harajuku, no doubt. Xochitl shifted from one foot to another. At the southern entrance of the park stood the famous torii gate: brown and ominous under the evening glow. Its shadows stretched far. In the shadows, silhouettes of a group of boys, loud, with their bikes. Her kouhai waved at them and without thinking, she asked: "What is the legal age to ride a bike?"
He looked up at her, a smirk, "We are underage riders."
Illegal? What about their parents. What if they were to get into an accident, what would be the outcome? Again, what about their parents, did they know? They must know that bikes are quite difficult to hide. Nevertheless, Xochitl told herself not to worry about it. It made no sense to put someone else troubles on her head. But she couldn't help but wonder (worry even). Seemed like something Ryuuzu would do. He was always like that, daring. One of his worst faults. She remembered how he always dared to swim whenever the river 'comedown' after heavy rain. Muddy and fill with insects. Xochitl always fear for his life when he would jump in and then fear for his health when he made it out alive.
She said nothing else as she stood watching them.
Yoyogi Park, however, looked disappointedly dull. Perhaps it would look more promising in spring. Xochitl looked at the naked trees, their shadows were like sinister claws as they stretched over the asphalt, children, couples and even them.
"I'll be going now," she said.
He looked surprised before saying: "See you around?"
A pause, "I guess so," no promised. It was better like this.
As she turned to go, she heard chatter and laughter. It must be nice not to have a curfew set out to follow. About that, curfew, it was getting late. Too late to meet up with Henri and Hemera. Xochitl would just have to call them to go on without her (that was if they hadn't already). Perhaps she should take a taxi back home. The train would be too crowded. Yes, that sounds like a good idea.
The weekend opened with a cold draft that seeped down to her bones. By Thursday, Xochitl got the intended news, the school would be closed for the rest of the week until further notice. Her homeroom teacher saw them off. No clubs today (or work for Xochitl) as they wanted each student to reach home safe. The meteorologists predicted a terrible thunderstorm to come later in the evening.
At the entrance of the school, after placing on her shoes, she saw Hemera talking to some group of local girls. She only stopped after she saw her. With quick goodbye said, Hemera turned to her, more energetic than usual.
"Isn't this fascinating," she all but chirped as she clasped her hands. She continued, "It would be my first time experiencing a typhoon." She finally sounded like the girl she was instead of…instead of whomever she was trying to mirror.
Xochitl shrugged her shoulders, "I guess there is some excitement."
A pause, "Oh yes, from where you're from you got Typhoon a lot, yes?"
"Hurricanes," corrected Xochitl. Hemera replied, "Oh, yes."
Xochitl then nodded her head to her earlier question. then said, "Not a great turn out today. I was surprised that the teachers had held out until this long."
"Oh yes, I thought that they would give the notice by Tuesday, but better later than never, that is the saying. Though, I admit, it is a shame. I was meaning to ask Henri how's he fairing"
A snort, "You don't need to worry about him, he's good. Wherever he is."
Silence, "I supposed so. Hey Xochitl, what's a hurricane like?"
Xochitl tilted her head in thought, "It's like all the devils from hell came up and make a mockery of thinks. Ancient trees unrooted, the earth split open, and homes destroyed. It's terribly beautiful,"
"Huh?"
"It's—it's kind of hard to explain. But back home, despite the countless warning from my mother, my brothers and I would usually sit at the window and watch the chaos unfold. It seems as if everything took flight, this unknown wild dance of nature. What I am trying to say, is that it was fun to watch."
Hemera said nothing back, lost in thought, she then opened her mouth to say something when another group of girls stopped to talk to her. Again, they talked about the typhoon: "One of the first to hit Tokyo since the war!" one of them said.
"My mother had stocked up on gas for the generator, what about you?"
"My mother got some hurricane shutter installed from weeks ago, you know how crazy the supermarkets are now."
"You know that the roads are blocked, flooded with traffic. The highways are about to close off right about now. I hope my old man get off at work."
"My father's here, wanna ride with me Hemera?"
"It's fine, my father called not too long ago, he's on his way. Beside got to keep Xochitl company."
They then turned to her, colour on their face after finally acknowledging Xochitl. With a bow, they all said greetings, and promptly their goodbyes before going off to their respective cars.
"Everyone seems so exciting about this storm, yes Xochitl?"
Xochitl watched as the cars came in and out of the yard. A lightning flash then thunder. She hugged herself for warmth. She just hummed in reply to Hemera.
Typhoon Higos made landform on the Tuesday of the next week. Xochitl went to bed with the pitter of rain to wake up to face the wrath of the Typhoon in its high time of destructiveness. The wind howled, the trees bend, and wires flapped in the wind. Debris floated in the air and the battery radio droned one. The light had gone out after an hour in the storm. Her mother sat sewing, her father pacing. Hitoshi warned him that his battery would drain if he continued as he made the hundredth call in that hour. He was calling back home, his home, to his father and mother. The news reported terrible flooding there and father began to worry as he listed a thousand things that needed fixing on his last visit. The roof tiles were old, the shoji doors need new plaster, and the floors needed new floorboards. He answered the same, automated even, at every reprimand from Hitoshi.
Now, Xochitl had created a small tune from his ranting: The roof tiles were old, the shoji doors need new plaster, and the floors needed new floorboards. The roof tiles were old, the shoji doors need new plaster, and the floors needed new floorboards. The roof tiles were old, the shoji doors need new plaster, and the floors needed new floorboards.
She was only interrupted by her mother's voice as it cut through sharp and clear like water, "You cannot turn on the generator. We need to turn it on after the hurricane had passed. We don't know how long the power outage would last. And when we do turn it on, your phone would be the last thing to charge." It didn't deter him, but it did get him to sit as he go through the phone book.
"We would need to contact the employees and the building when it is done, hear me, Hitoshi?" a nod and with that, the two disappeared within the office.
A sigh from her mother, "Finally, silence."
Xochitl soon followed suit, but instead of turning right which led to the office, she made a left, to the sitting room. Where her father entertains guests. She found Ryuuzu pressed close to the window watching the destruction that unfolds. Without reason, she took a seat adjacent, just a foot away. He turned to her and said nothing. Soon, returning to face the window. Something hurled across the street and hit the window with a thud. From the living room, she heard her mother say. "Don't sit beside the window."
They didn't answer back. The silence was welcoming, the picture of her grandmother kind of silence. Xochitl had taken it down from the living room one day after returning from school and placed it on her bedside. Her mother was a bit upset but said nothing about it, as she looked at the picture of her mother as it watched over Xochitl's bed. A saint, an un-anointed saint. If she wasn't so pious, she would whisper prayers to it.
Xochitl began to hum a tune, Zamba para no morir. She didn't know for how long, but when she turned to look at Ryuuzu, she saw him mouthing the words. They continued like this. The devils outside, making a mockery of things: ancient trees uproot, the earth split open and winds from the heaven ripped across the city. It's terribly beautiful if she must say so herself.
She could see herself welcoming this new kind of silence. The silence of terror: not exact quite, but nearly there as nature almost stood still. A stage to these devils' orchestrated play. The song came to an end and so was her welcoming silence. Ryuuzu was the first to leave, nothing was said between them. Leaving her alone in this cold dark room and a hurricane just a breadth out of reach.
It surprised Xochitl how quick Japan recovered. That is how first nations are, was what Hemera said.
They are outside, the streets clean from debris, and they are even sounds of animals: the barking of her neighbour's dogs and birds. Hemera had come to visit with her mother. Their car parked in the empty slot that was usually reserved for her father. But he had gone, a day now. After the road had cleared up, he and Hitoshi made a trip to the country. Despite how quickly Japan was recovering the train lines were still down and would be so for a week or so. A week! Xochitl still cannot wrap her head around that. This brought them to now.
Hemera leaned against the stoned wall.
"Japan is much more developed than your country. It would only make sense that they would recover in a much shorter time."
"How long would your country take to reach where Japan is now in recovery?"
Xochitl paused to think. "Three months at best."
A gasped from Hemera. "Impossible, you are joking. Aren't you?" No response. "That's mind-blowing."
Xochitl explained to her how after a hurricane power lines would be down, and the roads now turned mud. Undrivable, even for a donkey cart. No clean water. She remembered how her mother would ration water from their tank to neighbours, not without a price of course. Then, after a week, the government water truck would come around, to make rounds to each house. (Hopefully, since the water usually finished after the twentieth house. Leaving people to complain, to cry up to the heavens, their children strapped to their side, nose running). How it would be months for the city and towns to get proper working light, much less the far-flung (back a bush, they would say) communities like hers. That would take a month at best. Schools tried to open two months after. That was if the shelter resident weren't gone. And if they hadn't gone with some of the school's equipment such as desks and books to make fire.
"Madness how can anyone function like that!"
Xochitl sometimes wondered that too. But then, she was younger than she was now. Back then, she thought nothing of it, running barefoot to get scolded by her mother. To her, it was an extended holiday from the overbearing homework. To finally eat the mangoes that were usually too high up the in trees to reach, which now litter the ground in all their glory. Careful now! They had to be wise in their selection unless they would bite into a thick fruit worm. She knew as she was a victim to many. How they had to boil the water and baptize it with bleach for each bath. And to bathe in bleached water was no joke. The soap took forever to wash off and the sting, ah the sting. It was worst if you have cuts and sores.
Hemera shook her head in exasperation. "I can see your surprise now," she said.
Yes, her surprises. Not as how much she was surprised at seeing her father and Hitoshi leaving as soon as the radio said that few highways were clear. That to say, Japan had still hit hard, they had been many floods, and deaths even. Although that was inescapable. Back home more than twenty people (the most) in her community alone would be expected to perish: drown, and if not, the sickness that followed would take out the rest. It was the reason why her mother always told them to wait patiently until the water is boiled. It was the reason why her mother still told them to boil the water that came out of the tap. Despite her father reassuring her that the water is filtered by the several filter machinery, he had installed in the house after moving in.
But back to her father; Oh yes, Xochitl was surprised how he left the house. She could still hear her mother saying to him that he should think over his hasty decision: "They have cleared the road in Tokyo but what about the countryside. We have yet to hear about them yet. You may— no, you are running to face a dangerous unknown."
"And doesn't that frighten you? That we haven't heard any new news about the countryside. My father has yet to return my call. I have to go."
"I am worried, but you can just up and leave like this, only driven by the emotion of fear. Fear brings nothing but disaster. We must wait, hear, to think of a proper plan."
"The floods—" He didn't have to finish, Xochitl already knew what he was going to say, she even began to hum the tune she had created under her breath, "The roof tiles were old, the shoji doors need new plaster, and the floors needed new floorboards. The roof tiles were old, the shoji doors need new plaster, and the floors needed new floorboards. The roof tiles were old, the shoji doors need new plaster, and the floors needed new floorboards." she even made a soothing melody with it.
"We people that have faced hurricanes before in our life is not simply shaken by them like everyone else."
"But—" no one says "but" to mother and Xochitl knew then that there was nothing to stop her father then. So stubborn.
While he was gone, Mother and Ryuuzu (occasionally her as well) would make a trip to the office to check in with their employees, to make certain the business was recovering. Today they were going there too, however, Hemera's mother had decided to visit. Resulting in them pushing the plan to the afternoon.
When they arrived, Ryuuzu was the one to open the door, calling their mother's attention to the visitors. Mother lighten with a vibrancy that they haven't seen since the hurricane carried Hemera's mother to the sitting room, to chat, to drink tea. Whilst Ryuuzu slumped to his room. And Xochitl signalled Hemera outside.
"I didn't know you were Ryuuzu's sister,"
"…"
"You always talked of brothers but to think, but you look—oh well—he's popular, you know. Several girls liked him, even asked him out. Have he told you that?"
"…"
Ryuuzu had always been that way. Drawing people in. It was one of his charms. But why hadn't he told her—oh yeah, the schism. The river between them continued to grow.
"I'm sorry about that. My mother always said I don't know when to stop pushing. One of my greatest flaws."
Xochitl said nothing.
It was what brought them to now, as Hemera chattered way talking about the typhoon. "I have gotten some calls from some of our classmates. Everyone is not affected, but they admit storms are quite awful. They wished to see no more, and I am starting to share such belief. One is just enough for me."
"Have Henri called you?" Xochitl looked up from her nails (she had chewed at the sides too much again).
"Yes, a couple of days after the phone lines went up. Gosh, talking about it made me remember how much I wanted him to hang up. He bleeds my ears with his chatter. But he's fine. He was also not so enthusiastic about experiencing another typhoon."
Nothing. Silence and Xochitl turned to look at Hemera to see if she was listening. Her mouth hung open as if she wanted to say something, but she failed to form the words. She then looked at her and Xochitl's face warm. It felt as if she was intruding. That she wasn't supposed to see that.
Hemera cleared her throat.
"That's good to hear, that he is faring just fine."
Xochitl just hummed.
Hemera was the first to speak, "Miss Taylor had called, she hoped that the following week her Saturdays class will start again. "
Xochitl hummed thoughtfully. Saturday's class, Saturdays were days, however, Saturday's class equal seeing Shuji. Her face warmed.
"Would, would you think Shuji-san would be there?" she regretted just as soon the words left her mouth. She was going to say forget it before going in, shutting the door in her face, guest or not. But Hemera then laughed. Not the cruel kind, but the one she heard (well overheard) at the train station. The type of laughter the group of girls made in the presence of a friend.
"Definitely, he had yet to miss a class I know of."
Oh…that's nice. It means he was studious, or his parents were stubborn about letting their son learn the English language. Whatever the reason was, Xochitl thank God. Then the question she had meant to ask forever made centre front inside her mind, "Hemera," the girl turned to her. All attention was on her and Xochitl felt the heat in her ears. "How do you talk to boys?" Another giggle. And she felt lightning inside her chest.
"I thought you would never ask. You late bloomer," a pull at her sleeves. Xochitl let it happen as her blush deepen at her statement. "But be beware, boys are thick. You must hammer it in them yet at the same time you have to be sly about it. Don't want to come off as too desperate."
A Thoughtful hum. Then: "Let's go in, I can make some hot chocolate and we then talked about it in my room." Hemera clasped her hands nodding, her fair hair almost coming out of her ponytail.
[1] Cat tongue: A Japanese saying meaning you cannot handle hot food or beverages. However, I am being liberal in the meaning as I used it to describe baji intolerance for spicy food. Baji's point of view is soon to come after the next chapter! I really appreciate feedback! (Hope I don't seem too desperate asking for comments) but I would really appreciate it.