The Butterfly Effect

by TheMightyDonnaPaulsen

The butterfly effect involves the idea that small things can lead to big change. How much could change over the years if a Donna met Harvey five years earlier and they weren't working together? They might date, break up when life pulls them in different directions, leaving Donna to figure out how she is going to tell her ex she just found out she is pregnant. AU fic

5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you again for the reviews and such, they really mean a lot. I appreciate the assist with the date as well! Just as an FYI, aside from outlining, I write everything as I go, so some chapters might take longer than others. The chapters themselves can get pretty long, so sorry about that! I hope to be fairly consistent, and I won't abandon this story as long as I still have readers enjoying it. I hope that continues with this latest update. Thanks for reading!

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April 11, 1998 – Present Day

After his first panic attack, he'd only gone as far as to figure out what it was. What he was supposed to do to keep from feeling like he was going to suffocate, or like his heart was going to beat out of his chest, he hadn't learned. He couldn't think straight, as a litany of irrational fears steamrolled through his mind. Seeing wasn't much better, with everything spinning and his vision tunneling, leaving only pinpoints of clarity.

Donna was approaching, and he did his best to cut through the fog to focus on her, hoping she could pull him back to the surface from the depths. It was something he had heard before, that pregnant women glow, but he had given no credence to it. Whether it was something he believed now or something he attributed as unique to Donna wasn't important. Still, he couldn't deny the way she was illuminating the dark spots and helping him to see more fully.

He didn't want to vomit in front of her, but he felt the warning signs at the back of his throat. The words to ask for one hadn't formed yet, but he would kill for a glass of water. The cold disruption to his senses seemed to help, and it also might flush down what was threatening to come up.

She was talking, he realized, and he concentrated on turning the garbled sounds into discernible phrases.

"Harvey? What are you…" she had started to ask, but he had missed that part. "Oh my god! What's going on, what's wrong?"

If Donna wanted to convince anyone that she was anything less than shocked to see Harvey in her parents' driveway, it would have taken the performance of a lifetime. The last person she expected to be there when she emerged from the backyard was Harvey, and she all but froze when her eyes found him. For how long, she couldn't say, time was always distorted when in his presence.

He had called the landline there before, so he must have gathered from Peggy or Stephanie that she had moved back. It had surprised her that he never brought it up during the conversation about Marcus, but he was dealing with enough for that to make sense.

When she saw him at Harvard, the distance was greater, but it was close enough to discover how much power even just being in the same area still held over her. He had looked off then, and Dana Scott of all people had explained why, but what she was seeing now was scaring her.

For him to show up unannounced, it had to be big. Her first thought was Marcus, and praying to the universe that he hadn't taken a turn for the worse, but she didn't make it to a second one. Before she finished racing through her initial fear, she had processed that something medical was happening, some sort of emergency.

Her ankles were swollen, and her feet were screaming for a massage, but she ignored them as she closed the gap as quickly as possible. There was a little more waddle to her gait, and her back was as stiff as could be, but she made it to him with impressive speed. When she reached him, she slung his arm over her shoulder and did her best to support him.

"What do you need? Should I call 911? I am going to call 911!" She was firing the words out so rapidly that he wouldn't have time to respond, even if speaking didn't require great effort.

"No!" he finally managed to grunt out. Her touch was helping to ground him, but her proximity wasn't making his world spin any less.

"Harvey, you could be having a heart attack like that guy at the restaurant. Does your arm hurt? Should I get aspirin?"

Typically, she could be calm under pressure and think quickly on her feet. The times she had been tested before never involved Harvey, however. There was nothing typical about the way she felt about him.

"It's not a heart attack." His pacing was choppy and strained.

"Well then what is it because you're scaring me!" She didn't wait for an answer as she started thinking out loud. Inaction could be just as problematic as the wrong action, and he wasn't saying anything to help guide or reassure her. "It would take too long to boot up the internet to ask Jeeves. I need to call. SHIT! I don't have my phone, hold on!"

"Wait. Stop. It's a panic attack. Water," he forced out between shallow gulps that were meant to be deep breaths.

She nodded vigorously, not yet relieved, but less terrified from at least understanding what was happening. Tears were sliding down her cheek, but she hadn't noticed until then, as she wiped them off. After helping ease him to the ground, his back propped up against her mother's parked car, she rushed inside to get him the water. It was when she returned to him that she realized bringing him inside might have been the better, at least more comfortable, call. Instead, she carefully slid down next to him, shoulder to shoulder.

The paved cement was less than pleasant, but she waited patiently for him to drink his water and stop gasping like a fish out it. She had to fight off the urge to grab his hand or link their arms, unsure of how it would be received and not wanting to take advantage of his vulnerable state.

Eventually, he was able work through the toughest part of it and address the elephant in the room, though he would avoid using that phrasing to address her.

"You're pregnant," he declared.

"I am," she answered, despite it not really being a question. Fear gripped her again as she braced herself for whatever would follow.

He nodded, then seemed to get lost in thought. Patience wasn't something she would run out of, not with this, but time, potentially, was another matter.

Harvey was still having a hard time organizing his thoughts. Not only had his mind been frantically spiraling into a jumbled mess since he found his mom with Bobby, but with this Donna discovery, his brain had entered into chaos mode. His emotions weren't easy to sort through either. Life, lately, was truly making it hard for him to be able to distinguish anger from hurt. It would be an exercise in futility anyway, as he was feeling both immensely at the moment.

He didn't have the energy left to convey his ire, but the pain still leaked through his calm delivery. "Is it mine?"

He wasn't sure what terrified him more, that she would say yes, and he was set to be a father, or that she would say no, that she belonged to someone else. He didn't want to entertain that nightmare for a second longer. Maybe he had his answer. Being a father though…

The only time he had thought about kids before Donna was when he was rolling on a condom, making sure he was just as protected from them as STDs. When they were together, he didn't think about them much more, other than to occasionally worry that she would someday want children and determine that he wasn't fit to give them to her. While he in no way felt ready to be a father, he accepted that was even less prepared to hear that she was having another man's baby.

She nodded first, then responded verbally. "It's yours. I haven't been with anyone since you. I am so sorry I didn't tell you. I should have when I first found out."

"Why didn't you? You're the one person I thought would never keep anything from me. Not anything this important." His voice came out in a raspy whisper. He had just downed a tall glass of water, but his throat still felt like he swallowed sandpaper.

The relief that surged through him with her confirmation that she hadn't moved on with someone else was swiftly replaced by a sense of betrayal and pain. Doubt, of himself, wasn't far behind.

His mind had already provided several potential answers to his own question. She knew he'd be such a terrible father that their kid was better off without him. She might be willing to help him with Marcus, but she wanted no part of him in her life anymore, not after he acted impulsively and ruined everything. She never really meant it when she told him she loved him.

Donna responded before he could continue his toxic descent.

"At first, I was just afraid. Of so many things. Afraid because you didn't want kids. Afraid you would try to do the noble thing and take care of us, meaning you would drop out. Afraid you would resent us for it. I didn't want to find out if I could handle you giving up becoming a lawyer for our girl."

She stared down at the ground as she spoke, and then hesitated, debating if she should include her trip to his school and the attempt. It wouldn't absolve her, or anything, but it might help him to understand that she was sincere with her regret. She wanted him to know, but he spoke next.

"We're having a girl?"

He was sure he had an initial reaction to that news, but he couldn't precisely say what it was. The only way he knew how to avoid lashing out was to numb himself and dissociate from his emotions. He didn't have it in him to yell at Donna right now, so he disconnected from his feelings instead.

She smiled reflexively at his use of we, though she doubted it was anything more than common phrasing. "We are. All the tests and appointments have been good, she's going to be perfect, Harvey."

It was when the ultrasound revealed it was a girl that she went to him but spoke to Dana. Telling him about their conversation, how she begged her not to let him know about their baby while he was dealing with Marcus and the moot court punch, was something she briefly considered as well. Ultimately, she decided to save it for a different time. It didn't excuse her from not sharing the news, after all of that was resolved, anyway.

When he didn't reply, she kept talking. She could tell he was still absorbing everything. "I did try, once. I went to Harvard to tell you, but I chickened out and I left. Then everything with Marcus happened and it didn't feel like the right time to dump more on your plate. I know that doesn't make it okay, but I was never trying to hurt you."

She was speaking too quickly still, and hadn't yet smothered the overpowering desire to embrace him. Keeping her fists subtly clenched was the only thing helping.

"You shouldn't have made that decision for me. I know we aren't together anymore, and I know that is my fault, but Donna, a baby? How could you not come to me or call me? How could you do that to me?"

His volume remained under control, shouting at a pregnant woman was a step further than he was willing to go, and especially not Donna. His mood was worsening again, however, and he closed his eyes and covered his face with both hands while taking a deep breath through them.

The boxing ring had never called to him more than it did now. His body was spent from the panic attack, but the desire to punch his way out of his mood was overpowering. He wanted to purge himself of everything he was feeling, and violence was an incredible release. Where was Travis Tanner or A. Elliott Stemple when you needed them?

As much as finding out this way upset him, he understood it at the same time. The part of him that made abandonment his greatest phobia could easily acknowledge why an opinion of him would be shrouded in doubt and low expectations. Especially when it came to raising a child and measuring up to Donna. That was without even considering how selfless of a person she could be.

"I was doing it for you, Harvey, and I was wrong to, I know that, but-" she was shifting uncomfortably as she spoke, which he was suddenly alerted to.

"Maybe we should get you to the couch or something. You shouldn't be sitting on the ground in your condition." He interrupted her out of concern, but his intent wasn't obvious. The tone of his voice and the pacing of his words were stilted to the point that he sounded robotic.

His mood hadn't improved any, but he refused to see her suffer, especially not because he was so pathetic that he had attacks of anxiety. It embarrassed him, and he felt like less of a man letting her witness it. Before, he might have thought that she was the sole person who wouldn't judge him, that he didn't have to hide things like this from. Now, he wasn't sure what to think, because he certainly wouldn't have imagined that she would hide her pregnancy from him.

He stood up first then offered her a hand. Once he pulled her to her feet he let go, physically anyway. They continued the conversation inside. Speaking was easier, but it didn't meant the topic of conversation was any.

"I went home to talk to my dad about…something but he was due back a little later. I guess my mom felt like she needed to fuck her boyfriend one more time before she had to pretend that she was happy to see my dad," he said with tension coursing through his body.

They sat on opposite ends on the couch, when in the past they would been tangled up in each other. He could have used the comfort, but he might not have accepted it anyway, under the circumstances.

"Your mom is still having an affair and you had to walk in on that it again? That's awful, Harvey. I am so sorry."

She wanted to reach out to him again, but she resisted still.

"She's awful… I am done with her, Donna, I mean it this time," he shook his head in disgust. "I didn't know what to do then, though. I was afraid that if I stuck around, I would take my anger out on my dad or something. I know I need to tell him, I won't keep her fucked up secret anymore, but I all I could think about was you."

He wanted to get that off his chest, but just as quickly, he wanted to change the subject. She could read it on his face, so she told him about Yale, and how she was in the process of trading the stage for stability. He hadn't asked why she left home, the pregnancy had connected that dot, but he was proud of her for law school, despite not being in the right frame of mind to be able to recognize or express it.

For a second, he caught himself being jealous of the fact that she was willing to move from New York and move on from acting for reasons not centered around him. He immediately derailed that train of thought, but not before he felt shame settle in. When it came to child rearing, he was completely clueless, but he did know what it felt like to have a parent who missed the majority of his most important moments. He also knew what it was like to have a parent prioritize her sex life over his mental health and development, and was grateful that his kid would have Donna for a mother.

That she would be an amazing one, was something he could say with certainty, and her making those sacrifices only served as further proof. He didn't have to forgive her right away for not calling him when she found out, but he wasn't going to let envy take root when she was doing the right thing for their daughter.

Just as he was starting to berate himself for being so selfish initially, she made a noise that interrupted his inner diatribe and wore a look of surprise on her face. He was preparing to ask her what was wrong when she beat him to the punch and vocalized a question of her own.

"Do you think you could call a cab?" she inquired, or requested really, while making a mental checklist of her next steps.

"You're kicking me out? Aren't I the one who is supposed to storm out or something?" He meant it jokingly, but the indignation in his voice was real. It took great effort for him to suppress his more problematic reactions, and he thought he'd done a good enough job for them to continue talking.

"It's not that… I think my water just broke."

Before Harvey had appeared, she had left a message on her mom's phone. Her parents had gone away for the weekend, though not far since she was about two weeks from her due date. She was instructed to call in case of emergency. Going into labor seemed like it fit the bill, and her mom was the first call she made.

The bag for the hospital was already by the door, and she had the cab company on speed dial. When she first started feeling contractions, they were far part enough that she didn't think it was time to leave yet. The pain was more intense than she was expecting at that stage, so she had gone out into the backyard hoping the blossoming flowers would help soothe her while she paced. The roses wouldn't come in until June, but the tulips and cherry blossoms were blooming and quite aesthetically pleasing.

Panic was setting in again for Harvey, but not to the level of an attack. To his credit, he followed orders well, and did his best to assist her. There was no way he wasn't going with her to the hospital. He might not have yet wrapped his mind around everything, that probably wouldn't come for a while, but he wasn't going to leave Donna alone during this time. It was also something he could never get back if he skipped the birth of his child, so he climbed into the cab next to her without hesitation.

…..

It didn't necessarily mean anything for their future, she knew, but he had reached for her hand when he first noticed her grimacing in pain, and didn't let go for the entire cab ride.

The hospital meant intake, forms, and moments that he had to, but once they were in the maternity ward and the delivery room, he was back by her side offering his hand and any support his barely functioning brain could provide.

She needed him there, and she would tell him how grateful she was when she wasn't going through hours of physical torture. He remained next to her with his hand still in hers, through the shouting and the swearing, and all the pain that the epidural helped with, but far from eliminated.

She held on until the nurses placed their baby girl in her arms.

April 12, 1998 – Present Day

They had settled on a name, or really, Donna had picked one previously and Harvey went along with it. Addison Rose Specter was born 7 pounds and one ounce with all her fingers and toes and a full head of delicate, strawberry blonde hair.

"Did you pick Rose because-," Harvey started to ask.

"Those were the flowers you gave me on our first date?" she cut in, finishing the question for him. "Yes, I did. And because it fits the theme of middle names that begin with 'R'," she explained.

Reginald and Roberta weren't your common middle names, and while Rose was maybe a little more standard, she liked that it was something they all shared.

"If I recall, you gave me shi- crap about how roses were cliché and not every girl's favorite flower."

They hadn't discussed swearing in front of their kid, not that they had discussed anything related to parenting, but he still censored himself. Disappointing Donna his first moments with their daughter was something he knew he wanted to avoid doing, even if that was virtually the extent of what he did know. He was blindsided by everything. She had the length of the pregnancy to think things through, while he basically had the length of the delivery and had hardly begun to.

The choice of last name could have opened the door to a discussion about where he fit into the picture, but neither brought it up. Donna knew she wanted Addison to be a Specter regardless of her father's role, and Harvey didn't protest, at the very least.

He was hesitant when Donna first offered Addison to him, or Addy as they already were starting to call her, not knowing the first thing about babies. Aside from the pictures of him with Marcus as a child himself, he couldn't' say he'd ever even held a baby. Donna encouraged him, and staring down at his baby girl, he got lost in thought.

There was no silver lining to what his mom did and put him through, or at least not in a way that excused her in the slightest. The timing of his surprise visit, even considering what catching her again did to him, was serendipitous, however. Walking in on her sent him straight to Donna, and without that, he would have missed his daughter being born.

For someone who never expected to be in a hospital room holding a baby, his baby, in his arms, and definitely never wanted to, he was still able to admit to himself that he would have been crushed to not be present for this moment. He didn't really know what to make of it all. It felt significant in a way that was overwhelming and indescribable, but he was also stuck on the notion that Donna was okay with him not being there. If he didn't show up on her doorstep, she wouldn't have told him for god knows how long. If she ever even did.

The trust part of it, that was huge to him. It had always been hard for him to grant it to people considering his childhood, but he had given it to her so freely and she burned him. Maybe in the back of his mind he believed that she believed it was to protect him. She was the most amazing woman he had ever met, and it was virtually impossible to think anything negative about her, but it didn't matter. He didn't think he could trust her now. It wasn't just the two of them anymore, though, and he had no idea what to do about it.

The effects of the drugs had not faded completely, and she couldn't name a time she felt more exhausted, but she didn't want to sleep, not yet. Donna was watching him hold their girl and it was the most surreal sight she'd seen. She could tell his mind was active, and she didn't want to interrupt his thoughts to ask what was on it. Even though she had so much more to say, and so many more apologies to make, it would have to come with time.

There was also a desire to defend herself. The bottom line was that she should have told him, but he gave up on them first. Granted, it was without the knowledge of their little one on the way, but she had felt abandoned by the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Still, she never stopped thinking about him and wanting to ensure he had the chance to live the life he wanted and deserved. She had put his future ahead of her needs, but she had to protect her heart as well. If her guilt wasn't so all-encompassing, she'd remind him that he bailed first, and that it broke her too.

"I want to scream so badly right now, Donna, but I don't have the energy. And I know you don't." He looked down at his girl, and how peaceful she was now, having been fed and burped. "I don't think I could while holding her anyway."

He was bristling again, and he didn't like it. Taking in the moment was triggering so much for him. What he wanted was to decipher all the emotions exploding inside of him now that he was a father, maybe add some rhyme or reason to it all, but he kept getting stuck on how mad he felt.

"I understand, Harvey, I do." She didn't want to start something that could lead to a fight, not after the battle her body just went through, and she didn't want to let either of them off the hook yet, at least not before a deeper conversation when the time was right.

"Do you? Because I don't. I've been trying to wrap my mind around it all night, but I still don't understand how you could betray me like that. Even if I should be used to it by now. We worked because we could trust each other fully and I just… I can't understand how you lost faith in me to the point you couldn't tell me about her."

The anger she could handle, but the level of dejectedness in his voice cut her. It left a residual heaviness in the air, but it still wasn't enough to take away from the incandescent effect finally meeting Addy had.

"I never lost faith in you, but you make it sound so easy. You dismiss the part where you broke up with me because living a few hours apart was too difficult for you. Or the part about how you never saw yourself as a dad. And you're in the middle of a life changing opportunity and just had all that stuff with school and your brother. I was supposed to what? Pile on top of that with a kid you didn't want with a woman you didn't want anymore?"

She would never stop apologizing as long as he needed her to, but she was desperate for him to try to see it from her perspective as well. Perhaps she should focus on how grateful she was to have him here now. Going through it alone sounded nearly impossible, and with her mom out of town with her father, there wasn't really anyone else to turn to. Even if other options existed, Harvey was the one who was meant to be with her, and she couldn't imagine what it would have been like if he wasn't. Fate intervened, unfortunately with something terrible, but she would be there for him like he just was for her.

"I never stopped wanting you, but I don't know if that matters now when I stopped being able to trust you," he confessed.

"So where does that leave us?" she asked with trepidation.

"With a lot of shit to figure out." Not swearing was a work in progress.

He stopped talking for a bit, still marveling at the tiny human he was holding in his arms. A life he made with Donna, who was perfect, yet so small and fragile seeming that he was terrified of breaking her.

Everything was so confusing. He thought things would become more simple in ways, as he made it further along his path, but it was beginning to feel like a maze that he couldn't navigate his way out of. The one certainty he had was that he had never been happier than when he was with Donna, but that felt like a lifetime ago now.

For many reasons, it didn't seem right to ask Donna what she wanted from him, not then. More time to process was needed for him, and he assumed more recovery time for her. She had amazed him during the delivery, but he'd always known how strong she was. And Addy…he knew she shared his DNA, but all he saw was Donna. The urge to protect her crept up on him, and only added to his confusion.

His role in his daughter's life, as well as Donna's, wasn't the only thing to be determined. He still had to figure out how to tell his dad about his mom. As much as he felt like he had a knife lodged in his back, or that he had been foolish to believe their connection had meant more, she was still the only person he could talk to about his parents. Her judgment with him was fracturing the remaining pieces of his already shattered heart, but with everything else, it had always been impeccable.

"Can I ask you something?" he voiced after the break reset his emotions enough to.

Addy started to fuss, and he had no clue what she needed, so he rose from his chair to give her to Donna. Maybe she's hungry again? Or maybe she can sense already that her mother is the better parent?

Donna responded while reaching out to receive Addy, who fell back to sleep fairly quickly. "Of course. Anything." Her voice was hushed.

"How should I tell my dad? I can't keep it from him any longer, but I've always just kept shit inside. I don't know how to talk about this, and I don't want to destroy him," he asked, mirroring her volume.

"You wouldn't be the one, Harvey, you're just the messenger. And he deserves to know, but I don't know if I am the best person to give advice when I failed to do the same with you." She replied gently, her eyes shifting between him and the sweet girl in her arms.

"I don't have anyone else to ask," he confessed.

"What about your girlfriend?" It was a genuine question, but it was dual purposed one, as she hoped to glean information about their status.

"You know about Scottie?" He cocked his head back slightly, surprised by her inquiry.

He hadn't returned to the leather chair in the corner, opting to stay by Addy and Donna. His knuckles were resting on the edge of the bed in front of him, as he was hovering over them slightly. Despite everything, he couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful Donna looked even with her makeup smeared and her hair askew. There had been blood, sweat, tears, and levels of agony he hoped to never experience, but she was flawless to him.

"It can't still surprise you when I know these things. But in this case, I saw you with her. That's why I left Harvard without talking to you."

It was her second opportunity to tell him about their conversation on campus. She had already sworn to herself she wouldn't keep anything from him again, she wanted to regain his trust. Her instinct to protect him persisted, however, it was something she couldn't turn off.

Typically, she was one to learn from her mistakes and never repeat them, but once again, she was faced with horrendous timing. His belief in people had all but evaporated after again witnessing his mom break her marriage vows, and the vow she made to him to stop. Donna didn't want to rid him of what little might have lingered with Dana.

There was also the added factor that if Dana, or Scottie, or whatever, was someone that stuck around, assuming Harvey would for Addy, their lives might mingle. Friendship was likely never on the table with her, or anyone seeing Harvey, but it might be the right thing to allow Scottie to tell Harvey herself that she knew about the pregnancy. Clearly, she hadn't already, and while Donna didn't care about preserving Scottie's standing with him in the slightest, it could be better for Harvey to hear it from the woman he was with. She didn't want him to go through life expecting everyone to fail him.

"I care about Scottie, but I don't know if I would call her my girlfriend," he started, but didn't say the rest out loud. The silent part was that being with her was nothing like being with Donna, and communication was a big chunk of that.

Donna didn't like how good not considering Scottie his girlfriend made her feel. He needed someone in his camp. During their relationship, he had been surprisingly open with her, but it was rare for him to be. She worried that without an outlet, he would become completely closed off. Still, she wasn't ready for him to have that connection with a different woman, even if she did want him to be happy.

He had called her about Marcus, and she came through with more than just a supportive ear. With this, she would do her best to help him through it. That would never really change, but her being an option to him, could.

"I guess I would say, call your dad and ask him to meet you somewhere you feel comfortable talking. Maybe invite him to your place since he might not want to immediately go back to his. Then, just break the news as gently as possible. He loves your mom, and they've been together for a long time. Put yourself in his shoes and think about the best way for someone to tell you," she then suggested.

He closed his eyes at the thought of that, shaking his head slightly. "If you had cheated on me, I wouldn't have been able to survive it and we don't have decades and two kids together."

We have one now.

She couldn't respond to him right away. The desire to grab him by the shoulders and shake him for being able to recognize that much but not enough to have fought for them was overwhelming.

"You know I never would," she eventually added, believing he should hear it.

"Do I?" he countered, still standing by her side.

His tone had a petulant edge to it, but she didn't let it get to her.

"You do," she confirmed with a fixed gaze. Her tone had a resolute one, conveying finality.

He held her stare, then hung his head slightly, relenting. "I do," he conceded after returning his eyes to her and nodding once.

She nodded back and refocused on the answer to his original question. "Just be kind to him and understand that he might need to lean on you a bit. Marcus too."

She shifted Addy so that only one arm was needed to support her on her chest and used the other to give Harvey's hand a squeeze.

"Oh, great," he said sarcastically while rolling his eyes. "We both know how good I am at the comfort thing." If he self-reflected enough, it was probably a sizable part of the reason he never told his dad. His mom's manipulation was the biggest part, but Harvey was frightened by the conversation itself, especially the aftermath.

The comfort thing was something that he had done for her, and had done well. She wanted to remind him that he was more than capable when he allowed himself to be, but she didn't think he would really embrace it in his current state.

He was going to stop there, he fully intended to, but something, maybe the fatigue or heaviness of the moment made him continue. "Thanks, Donna. For being there again. I don't know what I would have done if I couldn't have gone to you. Sometimes I don't know how I manage being without you."

*-*Harvey*-*

April 14, 1998 – Present Day

He had stayed at the hospital until she insisted that it was okay to leave. If her parents hadn't returned from their trip with plans to stay for a while, he might have instead. He knew he shouldn't put off talking to his dad about his mom anyway. Additionally, he really needed advice from his father on the baby bombshell that was dropped into his lap.

With a relatively light week at school, at least according to the syllabus, he asked his dad if he could come spend the day with him, not caring about missing class.

"Alright, Harvey, let's get down to brass tacks," Gordon suggested, after they had talked sports long enough.

"What do you mean?" Harvey asked with a mouthful of pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

He hadn't stressed anything important when he floated the idea of him coming over, but Gordon must have sensed something was up.

"I mean I know my son, and I know that you didn't invite me here for the cheap beer and pizza. So, let's get to what I am here to talk about," he said before draining his latest can.

Harvey took a deep breath after finishing his slice. He had been avoiding bringing it up long enough, and he still hadn't decided if he wanted to lead with him being a father, or him hiding what he had from his for so long.

"Dad… I don't know how to say this, but Mom is having an affair," he stated, summoning the courage.

"What are you talking about? Lily would never do that." It was so far from what he was expecting to hear that he was both flabbergasted and repulsed at once.

The way he looked at Harvey, it was like he had spouted a second head in front of Gordon's very eyes. Harvey kept talking, but he couldn't watch his dad's reactions.

"I caught her the first time when I was eight. I didn't fully understand what I was seeing back then, and she begged me not to mention it you."

It was the second time he said it out loud, Donna being the first. This time wasn't any easier, the memory was too distressing.

"I'm not sure you're understanding right now." He stood up quickly and started pacing. Deep down, he probably already believed his son, but he had to work through his denial before he could access it.

"Dad, please. Hear me out. That was just the first time. I caught her again when I was older and there was no doubt what I was seeing. She told me it would tear our family apart if I told you. She also promised she would never do it again," he spilled, laying it all out there.

"Why are you telling me now?" Gordon froze to ask.

"Because I went home on Saturday to talk to you about Donna, and Mom was there screwing Bobby again." He was trying to choose his words carefully, but he just wanted to be done with the conversation. He despised his mom even more for forcing him to have it.

"Bobby? That son of a bitch was just working on the old Mustang with me. I can't believe…" Gordon collapsed back down on the couch feeling defeated.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I'm sorry I kept it from you for so long." His eyes were welling up and he hated when that happened.

"Hey, you were a kid, Son. This isn't on you. Don't let me catch you blaming yourself again, you hear me?" Gordon reached a hand over and gripped Harvey's shoulder, looking him in the eyes as he spoke slowly and with conviction.

"It's my fault." Harvey's jaw clenched as he tried to retain control of his outward reactions.

"Don't you say that. You can't go around carrying this weight any longer. When I first met your mom, she was with someone else. I knew back then what she was capable of, I just never thought she would do it to me. That was my mistake and her decision. Not yours," he said firmly.

"I let her keep lying to you, keep making a fool of you with Bobby." His chest was loosening, but guilt still had a vice-like grip.

"I'm not going to sugarcoat things, it breaks my heart to know Lily doesn't feel the same way that I do, that we are meant to be. But right now, it's killing me even more knowing that she put you in this position," he paused to give Harvey's shoulder another squeeze and consider his next words.

"Your grandmother warned me that once a cheater, always a cheater. I didn't listen, I told her to shove it up her ass even. But that's on me, and it's also on me that I was gone so much. I am not giving your mom a pass, she should have come to me instead of turning to that asshole I considered a friend. But you need to get it out of your head that you bear any responsibility."

Harvey wiped his eyes and just nodded. His dad never taught him that he couldn't shed a tear, he wasn't one of those men. Keeping the secret for so long hindered his ability to develop a healthy relationship with his emotions, however, and he never felt comfortable showing vulnerability. Crying was a sign of weakness to him, and there was not much that disgusted Harvey more.

"Chin up, okay? Your old man is going to be alright. It might take some time, and a truckload of booze… and hell, I haven't looked for an apartment in decades, but if I got you boys out of the deal, it was worth it in the end," he reassured.

Harvey could tell that his dad was trying to appear strong for him, but he looked devasted. Inviting him to his apartment had been the right call, he would have to thank Donna for that. At least his dad had space and time to absorb the news before facing Lily.

It broke something in Harvey to tell his dad, but there was relief in no longer having to carry the secret that had been haunting him since youth.

"Now, if you have any whiskey, it might be time for something a little stronger than this piss water," Gordon requested while attempting to lighten the mood. He was rubbing his hands on his faded jeans without even realizing it.

Harvey nodded and rose to get it. "Just don't expect anything top shelf."

"I'm not the scotch snob over here, Mr. Macallan."

"I can't help it if I have exquisite taste," he shrugged. "I just can't afford that taste right now. Besides, a man has to have his signature drink. James Bond was a martini kind of guy, I'm an Macallan man," he called over his shoulder.

After a quick trip to the kitchen, he returned with two whiskeys, neat, and passed one over. He preferred his whiskey to be of the scotch variety, but cheap, and alcohol imported from Scotland, didn't always go hand in hand.

"There's something else I need to talk to you about," Harvey stated, ready to bite the bullet.

"Well, it can't be any worse, unless you're going to tell me your mom found a menopause work around and Bobby got her pregnant," Gordon deadpanned in response.

He could tell from Harvey's furtiveness that it also was something significant, so he attempted to ease the tension with somewhat of a bitter joke.

"Too soon, Dad. Too soon… and while I could have done without that image, it is about a baby…" he trailed off, buying time to be selective with his words.

"I'll be damned, you knocked Scottie up?" He was getting ready to determine if he should congratulate his son, or talk him off the ledge, when he remembered something that Harvey had said before. "Wait, didn't you mention that you wanted to talk about Donna?"

He had long suspected that his son didn't see kids in his future, but he also believed that notion would change with time and age. An accidental or surprise baby was something he hadn't ruled out for Harvey either, with the way he was with the young ladies until he met Donna, and got more serious.

When Harvey had introduced him to her, he was fairly confident that his future grandchildren would have red or strawberry blonde hair. He didn't think it possible for his son to be more smitten, or whipped, if he was honest. Then, when Marcus warned him not to mention Donna around Harvey anymore, he bypassed surprise and went straight to sheer disbelief. Despite knowing his son and his shortcomings, it was a relationship he didn't see ending.

In the past, he would sometimes worry about Harvey, but he wasn't always around enough to put the puzzle pieces together. This Lily news, knowing that it originated in childhood, it made sense now why his son could struggle with fits of fury and emotional detachment. The connections that Harvey made with people often felt surface level, but his relationship with Donna had pushed aside his concern. Until he learned that they broke up, that was.

When Harvey told him about Scottie, he would have liked to be able to say that he was happy his son was moving on, and that his funk might too. He never heard him talk about her the way he did about Donna, however. Gordon wasn't gearing up for it to last, but a grandchild was something to celebrate, even if the mother was unexpected. His son must still be caught up on Donna, though, if she was the one that he came home to talk about. It had the makings of a messy situation.

"I have a daughter," he announced, getting straight to it. "I had no idea Donna was even pregnant. She didn't tell me, and I've been struggling with that part of it, all of it actually, because I have no fucking clue what I am doing. I'm not father material, I never have been."

Gordon smiled in response. Donna being the mother was the better scenario. Harvey was going to be alright, even if it took him some time to work his shit out.

"Let me tell you something, Son. No young man ever feels ready to be a father, not really. Hell, I don't think I felt ready, and we had you much older. Your mother and I didn't do you any favors setting examples, but you are a good man. You'll figure it out. I am assuming that you are planning on being a father to your girl."

Harvey could be selfish, but a kid was another story, especially a kid with the woman who could penetrate his barriers.

"I am still sorting through everything, but I don't want to let her down. You should have seen her, she's perfect. But that just freaks me out even more." There was a sense of awe in his voice that Gordon understood well.

"That's natural. And you will fuck up. A lot. But kids are resilient and forgiving. As long as you do your best, you'll be your little girl's hero." He gave him a pat on his back for encouragement.

"I've never even changed a diaper. And Donna and I… we haven't talked yet about how this will work. She said she didn't tell me because of law school and the fact that we broke up, but I can't shake the feeling that she knows I'd be a lousy father too. I don't want to disappoint either of them."

"Harvey, that's just your insecurities talking. I only needed to see you together one time to know that woman has never looked at you with anything less than complete confidence. My standing for giving relationship advice might be a little shaky at the moment, but don't forget I've been around the block a time or two. Donna is a woman you keep in your corner."

When Harvey didn't respond, Gordon asked the next thing that was on his mind. "What about Scottie?"

"What about her? And why does everyone keep asking me about Scottie?" Harvey narrowed his eyes at him. He was already growing tired of the question.

"Define everybody? You make pissing people off look like an Olympic sport with the way you gloat about being right all the time. I can't imagine that there are tons of folks at Harvard beating down your door for the latest gossip."

"Donna asked me too," he admitted begrudgingly.

"You told Donna about her? Can't say that doesn't surprise me." He raised his eyebrows with his response. His son had a true bond with Donna, but he didn't think Scottie would be a topic when they were rarely speaking. At least he had assumed as much.

"I didn't have to tell her, she just knew," Harvey explained.

"Ah. That makes more sense. She does have that way about her. And to answer your first question, the last I heard you two were spending a lot of time together. I'm wondering where she fits into all of this, since, if I am honest about it, I never thought you were over Donna."

He watched his son carefully, and noticed when he glanced away. It helped to confirm his suspicions.

"It's complicated," he grumbled, shifting in his seat.

"There's enough whiskey and shitty beer here to uncomplicate it. I am certainly in no rush to go home to Lily," he prodded, then proceeded to take a sip of that whiskey.

He knew that Harvey needed to talk through his thoughts, and that it wouldn't come without some resistance.

"I went to visit you that day because I thought with Donna coming through with the money for Marcus, maybe it meant she still had feelings for me. I screwed it up before, but I dunno. When I saw that she was pregnant though… trust is everything to me," he said while working the tension in his forehead with his fingers.

"As you get older, you'll realize that sometimes forgiveness is everything. That woman loves you, and it goes without saying that I've never seen you fall harder. I thought I was meeting your future wife the first time you introduced us. Like I always told you, and I still stand by it, when it's the one, you'll know. And Harvey, I think you know." He looked him straight in the eye, especially with the last part.

"Dad…"

"Alright, aright. I'll ease up for now." He held up a hand to show him he would move on, after Harvey's tone was full of warning. "We need to knock one back in honor of you joining the dad club anyway. What's your baby girl's name?" he asked, having meant to for a while.

"Addison, but we already call her Addy," Harvey responded with a smile, picturing her in his head.

"To Baby Addy, and all the future heart attacks she'll cause you." He raised his glass to toast her, before finishing off the drink in one gulp. Harvey followed suit with his.

…..

After putting a rather sizable dent in Harvey's liquor collection, Gordon passed out on the couch. He had tried to insist his father take the bed, as his back had a lot more mileage on it, but Gordon had countered with the fact that the couch might help prepare him for the nights ahead in a cheap motel with a lumpy mattress.

Harvey was in bed, but he couldn't sleep. His dad didn't hold back his thoughts on his relationship with Donna, and it made Harvey go back to that night he introduced them.

February 8, 1997

Donna was in the bathroom, but the door was open, and Harvey could see her from his chair. There was something about her, something akin to a gravitational pull. He couldn't stay away very long once she caught his eye. Abandoning his seat, he closed the distance, and leaned against the doorframe.

"Don't tell me that you're not at least a little nervous to meet my dad. I thought everyone got nervous to meet the parents," he led with.

He might have been projecting, because even though he was excited for his two favorite people to meet, he didn't have any prior practice bringing women home.

"I'm not everyone, Harvey," she retorted after puckering her mouth to make sure her lipstick was even.

"No, you're not." Harvey smiled in response. He was well aware of her confidence, but even she didn't realize how truly amazing she was. He did, though. He always would.

"I'm also not tooootally being straight. I'm not saying I had to utilize all my techniques to minimize stage fright, but I am also not, not saying that," she responded, using the mirror to take him in.

She tousled her hair slightly to add to the volume. She wasn't aiming for a Fran Fine level of big, but she wanted a little tease to her look.

"He's going to love you," he stated confidently. There was no doubt about that to him. Who wouldn't?

Still putting on the finishing touches, her back remained to him. He gleefully seized the opportunity to step up behind her and wrap his arms around her waist, pulling her flush against him. Only able to justify removing one arm briefly, he used it to gently brush her hair to one side, so that it gave him access to her neck on the other.

Her dulcet moans in response to the soft kisses he was trailing down her neck threatened to turn the tender moment into a smoldering one. He was more than willing to keep things escalating, but he wasn't sure that she would be, if time was a factor.

"How are you always so insanely gorgeous?" he questioned, biting his lip. She would be the death of him.

"Oh, it's effortless. Just the essence of Donna." She went with the cocky response, but her insides were still bubbling at the compliment. Their relationship was already so much more than the physical part of it, but she loved how obsessed with each other's bodies they were.

"I think I am addicted to that essence. How do we ever leave the apartment?" His hands were roaming as he spoke into her neck.

"I haven't figured that out either yet. You're no slouch yourself, mister." She could feel her body reacting, but she had just gotten everything perfect, and she refused to be late.

"How much time do we have?" he asked, seeming to read her mind. He trailed kisses along her shoulder, bare from the style of her dress.

"Not nearly enough, big boy. We are not going to be late to your dad's show."

They made it on time, only after Donna promised that his patience would be handsomely rewarded when they returned home that night.

Harvey had been ecstatic when his dad told him that he was booked at Blue Note in Greenwich Village. Only some of the better regional jazz musicians got invited to play there, as the club was capable of attracting even international talent. It was a huge honor for his father's band, the type that could help them get more radio spins.

As thrilled as he was for the show, he was looking forward to hanging with his dad after even more. The nervousness for him meeting Donna had mostly dissipated during the ride over. Thankfully, his dad was able to get Donna in without an ID check, but she was ordering virgin drinks for the night, out of respect for the establishment.

After the show wrapped, Gordon joined their table and ordered a couple of scotches and a sprite.

"Your band was amazing, Mr. Specter," Donna said sweetly, but meant fully.

"Please, call me Gordon. At least until Harvey makes it official and you call me Dad," he responded with a wink.

"What the hell, Dad!" Harvey almost fell out of his chair as he reacted to his father's forwardness.

"Don't worry, I am just teasing you kids. You're both young, and there is no rush. But I am glad I get to see my boy so happy," Gordon said while grinning and reaching over to give Harvey's shoulder a playful shake.

The look on his face was exactly the reaction he was going for. It was always a hoot to give his oldest kid a hard time. His words were honest, however. This might be the first time that he was meeting Donna, but going off the way his son had talked about her before, he knew this was different.

They spoke for a while, Gordon sharing embarrassing childhood stories, and Donna sharing her love for the theater. Gordon was impressed by her, but the way Harvey stared at her, the way he catered to her and his gentle touches… that was the part that really captured his attention. His son was in love, and if he thought so before, he knew it now.

After one too many sprites or mocktails, Donna excused herself to the restroom.

"Harvey, why the hell have you been hiding this gem from us?" Gordon asked as soon as Donna was out of earshot. Gordon did not yet know that introducing Donna to Lily wasn't something that Harvey intended to do.

"Not hiding, just busy," he said dismissively while stabbing a piece of fried calamari with his fork. He didn't mind the appetizer, but he had just put in an order for a Blue Note Burger, and he was practically salivating for it.

"I bet I know what you kids are busy with these days... But seriously, Harvey, I'm not sure if you've cracked as many smiles your whole life as you have tonight."

"What can I say, you put on one hell of a show," Harvey deflected. He knew his dad was referring to Donna, but while he was no stranger to the spotlight with sports, it was a different story when it came to talking about relationships and feelings.

"That's not what I am saying, and you know it. She's good for you, boy. Don't mess this up." He held his stare, then broke it off to pop a piece of calamari in his mouth and chase it down with a swig of his drink.

"I don't intend to. She's special." His reluctance to have this conversation was evident, but that didn't prevent the reverence from strongly showing when he spoke about Donna.

"Gee, you think, Captain Obvious?" Gordon responded, but it was meant in jest. "I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but I've seen your version of 'dating' before. I just want to make sure you take this seriously. You've never been like this, and when a women can have you spinning off your axis, you know you've met your match."

"I do take it seriously, Dad, she means everything to me. I don't want to ever lose her," he softly revealed then used his drink to mask his emotions.

Harvey surprised himself with his honesty, but aside from Donna, his father was the only person he ever really opened up to. Even with Marcus, he tried to be there for him when he could, but he didn't go to his younger brother to talk about anything of consequence.

"I don't know what the hell she is thinking, but it's all over her face that she feels the same way, Harvey."

"I don't know what she is thinking either. She's way too good for me," Harvey responded, missing the humor in the first part of his dad's words. If he did catch it, he certainly didn't internalize it. Not being worthy of her was something he often worried about.

It made him afraid of losing her, and he had never feared that with a woman before. They didn't fight often, but when they did, he had to stop himself form overacted or jumping to conclusions. Sometimes, pushing her away felt easier than dealing with her deciding to walk away, but he was trying to learn how to avoid either happening.

"The difference between me and you, I didn't really mean that. You deserve to be happy, Son. Just remember what she means to you when you're getting too worked up is all I am saying," Gordon paused to let his words sink in. "Hold onto this one," he added for good measure.

Harvey's elbows had been resting on the table as he leaned forward, but with his dad's last words, he had he slouched back in his chair and scanned for Donna. This wasn't a conversation that he wanted her to walk back in on. He noticed that the line for the bathroom was long, but she should still return any moment.

Present Day

Harvey wished he could go back to that night. That was when things still made sense. The sex they had when they got back to his apartment was beyond fantastic, he missed that too. He tried to bury those memories the most. He was already risking a name slip when he was with Scottie, and that would definitely hurt her.

He also wished he had listened to his dad better and held on. He went to sleep with that on his mind, as well as his change in label. Father. He was a father now.

April 17, 1998 – Present Day

His dad had decided to stay the week on his couch, and Harvey was trying to do his best to learn how to be a support system for him on the fly, while managing his own tumultuous thoughts. School helped, because it gave him something else to focus on, but he still had a ton of pent up feelings that needed a release.

The gym was calling his name after class, and more specifically the boxing ring. He wasn't disappointed when he stepped in, the crowd was larger than usual, and there were several guys willing to spar. Harvey was ready to go to war, and picked out a couple of guys with weight advantages.

He was boxing better than he ever had. Utilizing the anger he had towards his mom, the anger for Donna not telling him, and his anger at himself for not being the type of man she wanted to, he was able to tap into something he didn't even know he possessed.

It wasn't until he challenged a fourth sparring partner that he realized he had drained his fuel tanks, and wasn't the one landing the punches anymore. The exercise in aggression was exactly what he needed though, and it gave him a sense of clarity.

He was going to be a dad. Of course, he already was one, but he was going to be as involved as possible. It wasn't going to be the type of arrangement that he called on birthdays and sent a few bucks Donna's way every now and then. What it fully meant, he couldn't determine without talking to Donna first, but he wasn't going to abandon Addy.

Forgiving Donna was also something he would do, and maybe he already had. That didn't mean that everything was restored, or that the trust part of it didn't have to come in stages. He didn't feel so angry anymore, however. It also didn't mean that he had everything with their relationship figured out, or his with Scottie.

Losing Donna was already the worst thing that ever happened to him, and he never wanted to face that again. He didn't know how to be himself without her, and now that they had Addy, there would always be a reason for Donna to be in his life. Pushing his luck and trying for more could prove to be a terrible idea, and since he would still have her around, one that might be better avoided.

Before, he sent her away because he was afraid her reluctance to move meant she didn't want the same thing as him. Now, he was less certain of what he wanted, but was still just as terrified of the idea of her rejecting him, of things ending again. This was safer. They could raise Addy together and he'd still get to see Donna.

After showering at the gym, he left on a mission. He had some people to talk to, specifically those who made the staffing decisions for the Harvard mailroom. With his morning classes being closer to afternoon ones, he figured he could take the early shift and work a few hours every morning before school. The pay wouldn't be great, but he wanted to be able to help Donna out with as much as he could. Weekends had to stay free, so his options were limited, and he did have experience in the mailroom anyway.

He also had some things to buy, including every book on parenting he could get his hands on. When he returned to the apartment after shopping, his dad had a surprise for him.

Gordon had already known that Harvey would do right by his daughter, so he had been car shopping the last couple of days. He finally found something in his price range, cheap, but it ran. It was important that his son be able to react to emergencies, and visit whenever he could, without being dependent on bus or train schedules, or costly cabs.

Harvey was more than grateful. He thought he might take it for a ride the very next day.

*-*Donna*-*

April 18, 1998 – Present Day

"Harvey, I had no idea you were coming!" Donna exclaimed when she greeted him at the door.

"I brought something for Addy… and I thought we could talk?" He ended it in more of a question while extending his arm and presented the gift to her.

When he had gone to the baby store to buy a few things for his apartment, he saw the stuffed elephant and couldn't resist adding it to the cart. He couldn't say why it called to him, but he hoped it was something his kid would treasure for years.

"The book said she can't sleep with it until she's a year old, but I wanted to get it for her." It came out somewhat sheepishly, and his body language matched as he used a hand to rub the back of his neck. He couldn't say where it was coming from, but Donna's resounding grin quickly rid him of the nervous energy.

"She'll love it. Her first gift from her daddy."

It was the first time he heard Donna refer to him as such, and he couldn't prevent the matching smile from spreading on his face. Being scared shitless of screwing up might be something that never went away, but he was positive the same could be said about how he felt about the two of them.

"I'm glad you're here, Harvey" Donna said after they made their way into her room to talk.

She sat down on the bed with her back against the headboard while Harvey took a seat at the foot of it. Her feet nearly brushed his thigh, and he pushed through the reflex to pull them into his lap for a massage. It wasn't a conscious impulse, old habits just die hard.

It wasn't the first time they spoke since Addy was born. Harvey had been checking in over the phone since they got back from the hospital, but the conversation never broached roles or plans, or anything of that nature. Donna wasn't going to bring it up while she knew he was still processing, and Harvey was appreciative. He needed the space to think.

"We both know I never wanted to be a dad, but it's different when she's actually here. I want to be a part of her life," he announced, while fidgeting with his hands.

"I completely get it, I wasn't exactly looking to be a mom either. And I am really glad to hear that, Harvey, I don't want to do it without you," she said and smiled at him in a way that was both sympathetic and relieved.

His instinct was to challenge that, to ask her why she never told him if that was the case, but he thought better of it. He knew now that he was going to be involved, and he would rather hash out than lash out.

He told her about his ideas for being involved and his new job in the mailroom to help financially. She assured him that he would always have a place to stay and that she would love to have him every weekend, and any other time he wanted to, or could come by.

"This is going to be one hell of a challenge, but at least it is better going through it together," she added optimistically.

The together stuck in his head, so he thought it best to attempt to navigate that subject. "I don't know where that leaves…"

"Us?" she filled in.

"Yeah."

"Harvey, I've been doing a lot of thinking about that. We're both young and we'll be trying to figure out how to be parents while making sure we don't flunk out of law school. I don't think we should complicate things even more, I think we should have a rule."

The topic had been tumbling around her mind for days, months really. She was worried about the fallout from how he found out, but even if he did get past that, she was worried about pushing for too much too soon. If they tried before he was truly ready, and they failed again, she might lose him forever.

At this point she was certain he would still be there for Addy, but they would not be the first set of parents to have a problematic relationship. She wouldn't allow that to be them. If her rule, if waiting it out could allow them to build back their friendship while also removing any additional pressure or stress from the heaps of it headed their way, it would be worth it in the end. Even if she had no idea how she was going to be around him again without being able to really have him.

"A rule? What kind of rule?" he asked.

"Our history… I think we should put it out of our minds, at least for now. We concentrate our raising our daughter and we graduate… and if after that…" she trailed off.

"We see what happens?" he finished this time, but with another question.

"Yeah, if we are both, uh, unattached then we can revisit the subject, if we want to," she said it shyly, blushing a little.

"It… it doesn't bother you that I am with her?" he asked, noting the "unattached" word choice.

"I want you to be happy, Harvey. Outside of that, it doesn't matter how I feel," she said with such warmth.

"So it does bother you." It was the conclusion he reached from her response and demeanor.

"That's not what I am saying. What I am saying is you can still live your life. Right now, we focus on Addy and if after law school we think there is something there, we explore it then. You didn't want to do the long distance thing in the first place, and if we ever do go down that road again, it should be when we are in a place to build a strong foundation."

She wasn't going to say it, but it did. Scottie bothered her, she was jealous of her, but Donna thought better than to tell Harvey that. Any decisions he made about Scottie had to be his own, and she definitely wouldn't ask him to end his current relationship for a maybe a few years later.

"So… co-parents and friends?"

"Co-parents and best friends." She felt the additional word was important.

She offered her hand to shake on it, but with a shake of his head instead, he hopped off the bed with a grin and used her extended hand to pull her into a hug to seal their pact.

July 4, 1998 – Present Day

"Is it weird seeing Harvey manning the grill with your dad?" Stephanie asked, as the trio of women eyed their topic of conversation.

Jim had decided to host a Fourth of July barbeque, and Donna asked Peggy and Stephanie to make the trek and attend. She hadn't seen either of them since she moved, though they did keep in touch. Donna wanted them to meet Addy, the pictures she had sent in the mail weren't enough. Plus, she missed seeing her friends.

With a high of 77 degrees Fahrenheit, the weather was mild for a summer day, and perfect for Donna to not worry about having Addy outside with her. They were huddled around a folding table, which had been set up for the get together.

"Oh definitely. But Harvey is spending as much time as he can here when he's not doing his summer clerkship, and even my dad can't ignore how hard he's trying." Donna answered, with her eyes still on Harvey. She could picture him doing the same in their own yard someday.

"I wouldn't believe that Harvey Specter of all people didn't run for the hills, if I didn't see it with my own two eyes," Peggy sassed while leaning back in her lawn chair.

"Peggy! You're just as bad as my dad," Donna chastised, but playfully. She adjusted her sunglasses with the hand that wasn't securing Addy.

"What? It's not like he screamed daddy material." Peggy defended her stance with a one shouldered shrug.

"I guess that depends on what kind of daddy you mean," Stephine cut in. Donna shot her a mock glare in response, which prompted Stephanie to continue after taking a sip of her spiked sweet tea. "I am just saying, he's looking awfully fine over there with his bad self."

"You guys are the worst," Donna laughed and shifted Addy to the other arm. "If he didn't have a girlfriend already, I'd be watching out for you, Steph."

"No, no. I am big on the girl code. Chicks before dicks, Sistah!" She wagged a finger as she spoke.

"I always did think Harvey was a dick, but being a dad actually looks good on him. Don't tell him I said that," Peggy jumped in and admitted.

Donna laughed again, and she shook her head in humor. "And for the record, the distance is tough, but Harvey really does care about doing right by her."

"I don't think Addy is the only one he wants to do right by. I see how he keeps checking you out," Stephanie said suggestively, adding an eyebrow waggle.

"I don't know about that, but he's been considerate. And forgiving for the whole not telling him fiasco," Donna responded, with a less playful tone than before.

"Well, you were considerate for the whole him breaking your heart saga, so I'd call it even," Peggy said after taking a sip of her strawberry flavored wine cooler. Her opinion on that matter was well known.

"And I'd call it crazy how quickly you got your figure back. I'd swear from your pictures that you were looking good enough to eat a week after giving birth. I'm sure Harvey would agree. I don't think it's the hotdogs he's hungry for," Stephanie interjected, wanting to steer the conversation back into the lighthearted territory.

"You're kind, but you're exaggerating. And so wrong about Harvey. Girlfriend, remember?" Donna responded and then took a sip of her lemonade to hide her blush.

"So, when are you going to tell him to be done with that distraction and get back together then?" Peggy asked, having warmed up to the idea over the course of the barbecue, after witnessing Harvey in dad mode.

"Stop, you know the situation. He cares about Scottie, and we are just focusing on parenting and school. It is coming up and I am so not ready to not spend all day with her." Donna held up the free hand with the first part.

"At least your mom is fabulous. And don't act like Harvey wouldn't drop Scottie faster than a burnt biscuit if you asked him to." Peggy stated confidently, shifting forward slightly.

"A burnt biscuit, really?" Donna asked, an eyebrow raised.

Before she had a chance to continue, Harvey walked over to the group. "Hey, I just wanted to check if you needed anything," he announced before leaning down to place a kiss on Addy's forehead.

"Thanks, Harvey, but I am good for now. I am probably going to have to feed her soon if you want to burp her after though." Donna answered while looking down at Addy. She was watching the way her eyes tracked Harvey, especially when he spoke.

"Of course, just let me know. I am going to step inside and make a quick call, though," he informed her and headed there after smiling at Addy and delighting in the way she smiled back. He loved to see it every time that she did.

"Oooh, I bet he's calling the placeholder," Peggy predicted, once he'd stepped away.

"Oh, for sure. 'Hey baby, I'm just calling to let you know I am going to be late. I am having too much fun with my daughter and the woman I actually want to be with,'" Stephanie joked, lowering her voice for her best Harvey impression.

"I repeat, you guys are THE WORST," Donna emphasized, shaking her head.

"Tell us the truth and I'll drop it. You want to get back together." Peggy said, after finishing off her wine cooler and opening another.

"I don't know what I want. I try not to think about it, honestly, there are other things to focus on. But after law school, I don't know. Maybe?" Donna admitted.

"Don't wait too long, girl. He's a stud." Stephanie warned while placing a hand on Donna's forearm.

"I just have to say, as the friend who hasn't always been a fan, I agree with Stephanie. You guys actually have the makings of a sickeningly cute family, and I'm not going to push, but you should tell him how you really feel." Peggy suggested, truly meaning her words.

"Alright, I've heard you out. Now let's talk about your new guy, Peggy."

September 21, 1998 – Present Day

Mondays were always the hardest. They had fallen into a nice routine, about as good of one as they could manage living in different cities. The irony was not lost on her, that they broke up for that reason, and now they were virtually in a long-distance relationship, just without the actual dating part. And the sex. She missed that. Pregnancy had been tough on her hormones, and being around Harvey now wasn't any easier.

Weekends were amazing though. When she was chasing her acting career, work was nonstop. She rarely had days off, but now, not only did she get to spend the full Saturday and Sunday with Addy, but Harvey drove over Friday nights and stayed with them as well.

She didn't want to rely too much on her mom then, she already did so much during the week. She really was a saint, and helped Donna so much while managing her own part time work as a bookkeeper. Donna took over when she made it back from class, but some nights that were more involved homework wise, could end up being a joint effort.

Thankfully, her dad was willing to step in too, when he got home from the office. He still grumbled a little too much about Harvey for her liking, but she wondered if it was all for show now. They had been getting along just fine.

A benefit of her dad managing a real estate company was that he knew a lot of cheap ways to rearrange space. The house had three bedrooms, and aside from the master, one was being used as an office for her mom, and the other was a guest room. The guest room became Donna's, and the office a nursery.

The house had a large basement space, which was converted to a workspace for her mom. There was also enough room to put together an area for Donna to study if she didn't want to in her room, and a place for Harvey to stay during the weekend.

In addition to their weekends, they also developed an evening routine. Every night that Harvey was in Boston, he would call. Donna would give him any updates from the day, like the first time Addy had smiled or rolled over previously, or more recently the way she was really starting to use her fingers and toes.

He liked to read her a story, even if she was sleeping, and they spent the rest of the time talking over classes or cases. With Harvey being a year ahead of her, he knew more about the law, but she was able to help him too, with various things.

Today was one of those days she could really use him. She was still adjusting to being a mother and a student at the same time, nearing a month in law school, and to the extreme lack of sleep. Addy was getting better at making it through the night, but with mom duties and school work, getting enough shuteye was still a challenge.

That wasn't the extent of it, either. The date itself carried its own set of difficulties. The main one being that it was harder not to miss how they used to be. If they hadn't broken up, it would be their two year anniversary.

Thinking about that made her feel compelled to talk to him, to hear his voice. She didn't want to wait for their evening call, so she didn't.

"Hey, what's going on? Is everything okay with Addy?" They spoke every day, but it worried him a little that she was the one calling and ahead of schedule. It showed in his voice.

"Oh yeah, don't worry, it's not about her. I just had a shitty Monday and felt like venting." Hearing his concern, she was quick to reassure him.

"Have at it then, I am all ears," he told her.

Having just gotten back to his apartment after his classes wrapped for the day, he was seated at his desk, preparing to write a practice brief. He had no problem putting it on hold to talk to her, even though he had a lot to get through.

"Sometimes, it just feels so overwhelming trying to be a mom and a student. There are days, or nights, when Addy is a little fussy, or my professors are feeling sadistic and really pile on the reading. Most of the time, I manage fine, but every now and then it feels like I am kidding myself trying to do both," she confessed, which was hard for her.

It took a lot to shake her, and when it happened, she preferred for there to be no witnesses. Everyone needed a go-to, however, and Harvey was hers. She was willing to let her walls down on occasion around him, though she tried to avoid having to.

"I'm sorry that I am not there to help you more. But you're already kicking ass and setting the standard as a mom. I know you're going to school those Yale douches too. They won't be half the lawyer you'll be and you're doing it with a baby. Seriously Donna, you can do this."

He deflated in his chair a little as he said it, because it gutted him knowing how much slack she had to pick up since he couldn't be there full time. Speaking to her, he did his best to channel optimism and cheer, but she likely still heard the guilt breaking through.

"You got the douche part right. And thanks, Harvey," she responded softly. His words did help.

She had the landline on speakerphone so that she could cuddle with Addy as they chatted. The combination of hearing his voice and holding their daughter was having the desired effect. She did feel better, even if she still missed him.

"Are people giving you a hard time? Jealousy can bring out the worst in people. I might know a thing or two about it, but we don't talk about that," he said impishly.

He sat up straight at the thought of people messing with Donna. It felt like his blood pressure was rising, as he worked his jaw, but he stopped himself from getting too amped up with his chosen response.

"If you think I am going to let you forget about the time-"

"I feel like the statue of limitations on bringing that up has to have passed by now," he cut in, attempting to avoid the trip down memory lane, even though he alluded to the story.

"Not a chance! You'll still be hearing about that one for a long time," she giggled but then paused. "Hey… seriously, thank you for cheering me up. Now I just have to hope that Addy keeps up with her recent sleeping trend and I can catch up tonight."

"I can suggest to her that she be kind to her mother tonight, but I think she has a rebellious streak already," he joked.

"Gee, I wonder where she gets that from," she teased.

"Ouch, weren't you just thanking me?" He made a wounded gesture, placing his hand on his chest, even though she couldn't see him.

"I was and I am. Thank you, Harvey. Talk later?"

…..

Later came sooner than Donna expected, when Harvey showed up after his roughly two hour drive with a pizza and some beer.

"Harvey? You're getting pretty good at surprising me, but you didn't have to come all this way. You just left last night!" she exclaimed, her spirits soaring.

His arrival truly did surprise her, and she couldn't resist wrapping him up in a hug, while navigating around the pizza and beer he was holding. They did that, now, hugged, and while they both independently knew they were flirting with temptation, neither wanted to stop. Remembering Scottie helped keep Harvey in line, and it was the rule for Donna, but Scottie too.

"I meant it when I apologized for not being here more. Bill said he could cover my shift tomorrow morning, so it was as good a time as any to try to help lessen your load," he explained.

"Food is an excellent start. I am freaking starving. Please tell me you asked for yellow tomatoes on the pizza." Her stomach growled then, as if the hunger pangs weren't reminder enough.

"Would I be the world's best ex-boyfriend slash baby daddy if I didn't?" Titling his head to the side, he raised an eyebrow and added a smug grin. "Now, are you going to let me in, or are you going to wait until the pizza gets cold and my arms go numb?"

"Get in here you sweet, sweet man," she said and tugged him in by his sleeve.

They were studying together in the basement while Addy gurgled in her playpen. Instead of a desk, she had decided on a medium sized table for more surface space. Harvey was sitting next to her on the same side of it, close, so he could follow along.

Harvey had read most of Donna's cases when he took her classes, and with his help, she was able to work through them a little faster. He wasn't just helping with her homework either. When Addy needed attention, Harvey was quick to pop up to rock her or bounce her, sing to her even. He took care of the diaper changes, and he fed her a bottle from the reserves, when her cry hit that certain pitch, since Donna was drinking and couldn't breast feed.

On weekends they usually shared the duties, as he had just been there doing. Tonight, he wanted Donna to have a true break and be able to focus on her studies and reducing her stress.

He had no idea the effect he was having on her. When they were together, she was so in love with him that she could rarely see his flaws. She knew them, and that selfishness could be high on the list, but he had been better with her than he was with others. Since Addy, it was like his maturation process accelerated, and he was really stepping up. It made her heart melt and ignited some other things in other places. It was sexy as hell watching him be a dad.

They had finished off the pizza, but were still working their way through the beer as the conversation shifted away from the academic arena.

"Do you need me to punch that asshole again for you?" he inquired, nudging her in the process.

It was more of a playful proffer, but if ever Donna did need defending, he was more than willing to step in. He already knew how Tanner could be, and he would welcome a reason to go at him. It vexed him, what Donna had shared.

It seemed just like Tanner to use information he gathered inappropriately, while working a student job in the admissions office, to taunt others. Donna wasn't even his direct competition since she was a year behind him, but it was likely the party and the punch that made him fixate on her.

Donna had a few special accommodations, such as a room to pump and a mini fridge to keep the milk she produced, and Tanner had the audacity to try to embarrass her with things like that. He also brought up her scholarship status a lot, and while it was academic and an honor, the old money snobs at Yale looked down on it like it was charity.

Harvey would gladly put him in his place, but he knew it wouldn't be what Donna wanted. If Harvey did learn something from her account of the situation, it was that Tanner was definitely going to play dirty when he started practicing law.

"Harvey!" she exclaimed with a chastising tone. "You have Addy to think about now, you can't just go around punching people anymore. Someone may hit you back with a lawsuit or press charges."

"I'll have you to represent me in no time, if I don't feel like proceeding pro se." He smirked at her, but he knew that one day she would be the type of lawyer he would trust his life with.

She glared at him in response.

He grinned sheepishly and relented with his words and his hands, which he had raised in the air. "I know, I know. But there are limitations to that. Sometimes you just have to knock some sense into people."

"Well Tanner is not one of those people. I can handle him myself. He's just an annoyance that I'll take care of," she stated firmly.

"I wish I could be a fly on the wall for that. If it doesn't go according to plan though, you just say the word…" he offered, before punching the air in example.

She covered his fist with the palm of her hand at the end of his mock punch and lowered it lightly. "Calm down, Mike Tyson. Let's let Tanner keep his ear. He'll need it when I give him an ear full."

When she had discovered that Harvey loved boxing, she started familiarizing herself with the sport. She was a Harvey fan after all, and she liked supporting his interests. A person did not have to pay much attention to avoid missing that scandal, but she was still proud of the reference.

"That fight was insane. I still can't believe he bit part of Holyfield's ear off. I guess I need another boxer to compare myself to. Although… there is always Ali."

He leaned back in his chair and interlaced his fingers behind his head, waiting for Donna's response knowing she would follow up with something to check his ego.

She rolled her eyes at him. "Well, you do have one thing in common with Muhammad Ali…"

"What, being the greatest?" he asked and assumed, somewhat humorously, but meaning it just a little too much.

"No, just calling yourself that. You still have a long way to go to get there, hotshot." She nudged him this time, and he had to resist the urge to create an excuse to prolong the contact. He still missed her touch.

"You know I'm going to be the best closer in the city someday, Donna." He learned from sports that if you leave room for uncertainly, you'll lose. He hated losing as much as he hated weakness. Winning, that was what it was all about.

"I don't doubt you, Harvey. Especially when you'll have me to learn from." His ego aside, she really did believe in him. That wouldn't change. Being a little vain herself wouldn't either.

"You're thinking about working at the firm with me when you graduate? You know they only hire from Harvard, right?"

Being that year ahead of her, he would finish first. When he did graduate, he was due back in New York. The plan was to work for Jessica of course, but she had started floating the idea of him getting trial experience elsewhere prior to her taking him on. He was guessing that ultimately, she would more than suggest it.

Either way, he would be returning there from Boston. Donna had eased his mind before, when she informed him that she planned to return to New York as well. It wasn't a given, she had earned a scholarship to pay for Yale and wouldn't be beholden to anyone. She could stay or go as she pleased, but she loved the city, and wanted them to erase the distance for their kid. He was happy about that, but he had no clue that she was thinking about working beside him. He liked that too, even if they had some bylaws to change.

"There's a first for everything, and I am Donna after all," she responded, not attempting to keep the cockiness from her tone. Her mannerisms were more of the same, as she added a hair flip.

"If anyone can change their minds and bylaws, it would be you. I didn't know you wanted to."

He'd seen her ways of persuasion in person, but he also believed in her ability as a lawyer. Jessica wasn't the type of person who would fail to see that, but when it came to changes to the firm, she wouldn't have the full say.

"I know we only just started studying together, but I love working with you. It kind of feels like our careers are supposed to intertwine."

"You bet your sweet ass they're supposed to, baby momma," he joked, lightening the moment.

She had said it with such sincerity that it stirred something inside of him, and he couldn't venture down that path in his mind, so he defaulted to humor again.

"Oh my god, don't call me that," she said while giving him a playful swat, despite giggling at the title.

"I'm not sure which part you're protesting, but if the shoe fits," he said and shrugged. "In this case they both do."

*-*Harvey*-*

November 18, 1998 – Present Day

It was approaching mock trial time again and Harvey felt like he had some making up to do. Last year, he had wanted to put on a show, and then did, for all of the wrong reasons. His leash was short this go-around. There was definitely no room for theatrics, unless it was more of the Atticus Finch variety.

"Hey, I heard you drew Stemple," he said to Scottie, giving his eyes a rest from his textbook.

"Well, technically I think you did, but the school wasn't about to let that happen again." She had her nose buried in hers, but looked up when she heard him break the silence.

"I'd like to think I've learned my lesson, but I make no guarantees."

"At least the guy they switched him with couldn't argue his way out of a wet paper bag. You'll have an easy win," she responded, sliding into competitor mode. She thought that he had the less challenging matchup, and she wanted to be sure to let him know that.

"I don't want easy, I want to go up against the best," he responded as if it was obvious. It wasn't the B leagues he was aiming for.

"Sorry, I am unavailable. I have Stemple remember," she boasted, with a smug look.

"Oh, you talk a big game, Miss Scott. But what happened when we went head to head in CrimLaw last month? And you couldn't have forgotten when my contract was better than yours. What's your record against me again?" he taunted.

"Keep thinking that way, Harvey. Next time I'll kick your ass," she warned, before balling up a piece of paper and throwing it at him.

He caught it with ease and continued to poke at her. "That's right. Duck the question why don't you. You're 0 and everything against me, Scottie. 0 and everything."

"Like I said, keep thinking that way," she reiterated, refusing to let him shake her confidence.

"I don't mind helping you with Stemple, you know," he responded, switching his tune.

Between the weekends in Connecticut and the early mornings in the mailroom, he had little time left for homework, let alone Scottie. He had brought up moot court as a way to potentially prepare together, meaning more time around each other.

"Oh please, now you think I can't even beat him by myself? Just because you couldn't control-"

"Hey. Stop, I'm not saying you can't. I'm just offering to help. There's a good chance Stemple won't play fair," he cut in, surprised by her reaction. He thought she would like that, him making an effort.

"I know what I am doing, Harvey. I don't need your input." She was insulted by his assumption that she couldn't handle Stemple on her own. Stiffening in her chair and turning it away from him slightly, she tapped the desk with her pen while avoiding eye contact.

"Message received," he responded tersely.

He stopped talking after that, returning to his own work instead. It didn't make sense to him, her reaction. Offering to help wasn't some sort of slight. He respected her, and knew that she had a skilled career ahead of her. They were competitive, but it wasn't like he never complimented her skills, or never commented on her intelligence.

When he was over at Donna's, they often studied together. She embraced his help, and he always valued her input. He had assumed that Scottie would be receptive as well. In fact, he enjoyed working with Donna so much that he was trying to replicate it with Scottie, whose greatest desire was ranking first in the class. He didn't get why she would turn him down as a resource.

It annoyed him, frankly. She was always pushing for more, and he was the one who asked to keep things moving slowly. What did she even want from him if helping each other was so offensive. She claimed that she wanted to be official, exclusive. To him, that meant a partnership, yet they felt more like combatants lately.

Thinking about partnership made him think about Donna, and that was something that he had to bury as deep as he could. There was the rule, but it was much more than that. Keeping things the way they were, not pushing for more and risking losing it all, that was still the safest course of action. He had his weekends with Donna and Addy, and that would have to be enough.

Having Scottie around the rest of the time, he didn't feel so alone. He didn't miss Donna quite as much. He was trying to do right by Scottie, by taking it slow, but if he were being honest, it felt like they were forcing it. Friendship, perhaps with benefits, might be what was best for them. Scottie wanted more, however, and he didn't want to feel lonely. The phrase "fake it 'til you make it" came to mind, and he thought that maybe one day, he could make it to wanting something more with her. Especially if Donna never became an option again.

He told himself to let it go and to stop comparing the situation in Boston to the one near New Haven. Later, Scottie would apologize, and he might halfway too. It would be alright.

December 12, 1998 – Present Day

"I can take the night shift, you know. You look exhausted," Harvey offered.

They were supposed to be studying, but it had been a long week of late nights with a sick baby for Donna. She needed a little entertainment, so they had started with board games and then moved on to movies they had rented.

Donna was beginning to drift off halfway through Pulp Fiction, his choice, when Harvey really noticed how tired she was.

"I think the worst of the ear infection has passed, she's back to mostly sleeping through the night. It's school this time that has been keeping me up," she responded with a yawn. "Which is why I can't sleep yet. I had my little break, now we should get back to work."

"Is there anything I can do for you? Coffee, even at this hour, or a burger run?" Donna had to deal with the ear infection all week, the least he could do was try to take care of her needs now.

"I wouldn't mind if you looked over my opening statement. Moot court is coming up for me. Ours is later than yours."

He had mentioned his mock trial to her, the one he had won without breaking a sweat. Scottie's hadn't gone as well, and he was pretty sure that Stemple cheated to win, but he didn't add any of that to what he told Donna.

"Ahh, your fist mock trial, Paulsen. My money is on you, but I am happy to be of service," he replied while getting up off the couch and offering her assistance. They never really studied there, so he assumed she would want to move.

He was correct, and followed her to her room. Donna decided that she wanted to place Addy in her crib, so she preferred to be upstairs in the next room. Harvey was fine either way, and a little distracted by his thoughts. He couldn't ignore the parallel. With Scottie, wanting to help her was tantamount to questioning her aptitude, but with Donna, she welcomed, even asked for it.

"Thanks. I am pretty confident because I can read my opponent like a book. He's also kind of an idiot."

She sat down at her desk, and he set up the additional chair, a folding one, next to her. He sat in it backwards with his arms dangling over the back of it.

"I can see the Yale Daily News headline now. 'Donna Paulsen, First Mock Trial Attorney to Make Her Opponent Cry in Court,'" he said with a voice full of mock wonderment.

He raised his arms off the chair to spread his hands apart in the air, motioning like her name was written in the stars.

"That's not a very catchy headline," she retorted and scrunched up her nose at him.

"We'll have time to think of a new one, but maybe not much. You're well on your way to stardom. Now hand over that opening statement so we can blow those privileged pricks away."

February 9, 1999 – Present Day

"Harvey, can we talk?" Scottie asked, looking up at him. She was lying on her stomach on the floor with books and packets spread out around her.

There was a basketball game on in the background, but she couldn't even say which teams were playing. Harvey had been droning on about it only being a couple games into the season because of a lockout or something of the sort, but she had tuned him out. She wasn't really a basketball fan, so she didn't bother paying attention.

Harvey was seated at his desk, working through the reading for his class the next day. They hadn't been spending much time together for reasons other than law school. He was too busy to think much of it, until he caught a fleeting look on her face every now and then. When he did, he would try a little harder, but it would eventually fade, and the cycle would repeat.

He glanced up from the case he was going over when he responded. "Is this going to be a quick talk? I have a shit ton of reading left."

"Is that why you turned the game on? And since when do you care about that?" Her feathers were a little ruffled by the impatience in his tone.

"I might not fall asleep drooling into my books every night like you, but I do plan on knowing what the hell I am talking about," he rolled his eyes and refocused on his work. Out of pettiness, he picked up the remote to increase the volume of the game.

"That could be your nightly routine for all I know," she scoffed and dropped her pen a little too forcefully.

"Scottie… this again?" he sighed.

"What? I hardly see you anymore. You spend every weekend with your ex, and I am not supposed to care?" she protested with an edge.

"You mean my daughter. I spend every weekend with my kid, Scottie. And to be frank, I don't give a damn if you care," he said with a stern tone, raising his voice a little.

"Wow, okay. Message received there, Rhett." She recoiled a bit, physically, and figuratively.

"For the record, that wasn't Gone with the Wind. I don't quote a movie if I have to half ass it. And I didn't mean it like that. I'm just doing my best here, trying to figure out how to be a dad," he softened, not wanting to fight.

"I do get it, Harvey. I know you are needed there. But every night when you're done studying, you go to bed early for your mailroom shift. I know you are stepping up, but it would be nice if you made time for your girlfriend too."

She picked up her pen and chewed on the end of it in lieu of biting her tongue. There was more she wanted to add, but stopped to formulate the best way to do so.

"I remember you being awake when we had this conversation before," he said gruffly and shifted in his seat, crossing his arms.

He was still trying to be more gentle and more tactful, but it irked him that she could see that he was burning the candle on both ends, and still not appreciate the time he did make for her.

"Don't be a dick, I am not being unreasonable," she scoffed.

"No, you're not. But Scottie… I am dealing with so much right now. I can't add this to the list."

He rolled his neck, hoping to remove the tension from it. Deciding to try to ease the tension with her as well, he called her over. "Hey, come here," he directed, before pulling her onto his lap when she was close enough.

"I'm not asking for a ring, Harvey. Just a little of your time. And some clarity. Are we something that you even want?"

She let him pull her in with no resistance, but she was still focused on continuing the conversation.

"I care about you, and I've always tried to be straight with you, but there is a lot I still have to figure out. I'm sorry if that is not what you are looking to hear."

He hooked his arms around her waist as she maneuvered into more of a mount.

She didn't know if he was angling for sex. Sometimes it felt like he did that when a conversation started getting too deep, but she wasn't done, even if she was going along with it. Fucking, fighting, and facing off was all it seemed like they could do anymore. They rarely even kicked back and watched a movie, and they never went out. In the beginning, they would cook together or go dancing. She was starting to let the doubt creep back in, wondering if she was holding onto something that barely still existed. Like a drug or a bad habit, she didn't know how to quit him, however.

"I'm just looking for honesty, Harvey. Just the truth," she replied, barely above a whisper.

"And I am telling you that I don't know what that is right now." There was no edge or tone. It was genuine, and he squeezed her a bit to help convey that.

"Well, if the truth is that you still want to be with her, you could start with admitting that."

It was hard for her to go there, and she couldn't remain in his arms after. Standing up, she turned her back and waited for his response.

"That's not an option right now."

She had expected a denial, and that wasn't much of one. It made her spin to face him again.

"And if it was, would you take it?" She wanted to look him in the eyes. She saw the honestly in them, even though his next response would prove to be depressing, and a little cold.

"I don't know, Scottie, but what I do know is that you are an adult. You can decide what works for you. If this doesn't anymore, you can walk away. That's not what I want, but I can't offer anything too serious right now."

"I don't want that either. I don't want to lose you, I just want to know if you can see that changing in the future. If you feel anything for me."

She sat back down in her chair, feeling like she was beating a dead horse, but also feeling like she had never received a straight answer.

"I told you that I care about you, Scottie. When I am with you, it is like all the outside noise is drowned out and I don't have to think about anything else." He reached for her hand and covered it with his.

"What I want to hear is that the rest of the world fades away when we are together, but what I really hear, is that you don't have to think about your feelings for her when you're with me." She shook her head and stared down in a forlorn fashion.

"What do want me to say? I've told you from the beginning that I am a work in progress," he said defensively.

"You did. I guess I got too ahead of myself when I thought you'd actually be progressing by now."

"Come on, I didn't exactly know I had a baby on the way." He still felt like he had to defend himself.

"I know, believe me I do." She was conceding now. The conversation had run its course and retreating to the bathroom would give her space to collect herself.

"I don't want to hurt you. You can tell me if this becomes too much," he added as she walked away.

*-*Donna*-*

March 5, 1999 – Present Day

Donna was excited. It was Harvey's birthday, and she knew that the best gift she could give him was to surprise him with a visit with Addy. It was their first train ride to Boston, and it was proving difficult to manage her bags and everything she brought, but it was still well worth it.

While it was the first train they took, it wasn't the first time they went to his apartment. He had picked them up before, not minding how much he had to drive. That obviously wasn't an option with the intended surprise, so she booked the tickers and prayed that Addy wouldn't cry too much.

"Okay my sweet girl, we haven't taken many road trips yet, but we are going to see if you can stay asleep during this train ride to surprise your daddy."

"You see, baby, it is his birthday today. Your daddy doesn't really like celebrating his birthday, but we had a really special first one together. I'm going to tell you about it while you go to sleep."

Donna adjusted Addy's blanket, one that Harvey had picked for her, and gently rocked the carrier as she drifted off to her mother's hushed voice.

The memory was one of Donna's favorites, and it also made for a great bedtime story. There were a few parts to it dancing around her mind that she would leave there. She reserved them for the adult version in her head, not the one Addy would hear.

March 5, 1997

Donna had been looking forward to Harvey's birthday ever since she finally got him to tell her when it was. His disclosure came with the condition that she wouldn't make a big deal about the day. Birthdays, at least his own, weren't celebratory occasions for him. Holidays weren't really either and she was able to reach the conclusion that his childhood had stripped him of that joy.

They were off to a good start with holidays, though she suspected it was easier when he wasn't the focus of the day. She wanted to figure out a way to bring that joy back to his birthday while still respecting his boundaries.

The first step was his gift, though he wasn't an easy guy to pick a present for. When he wanted something, he had the tendency to get it himself. If he didn't, it was usually because it was expensive, and they were in penny pinching mode most of the time.

The thing about Donna was, once someone expressed a desire, she never forgot about it until it was fulfilled. She took pride in that, and with Harvey, she took extra notes. He had mentioned before that when he had an office like Jessica's, on the 50th floor, he would line the windowsills with autographed sports memorabilia.

Starting a collection required money, money that would come when he started practicing law, but he did have a few signed balls from when he attended games as a kid. She decided she would get him the first new addition, something he could hold onto until he had the office.

Her first thought was baseball, signed by a Yankees player. Unfortunately, they were all in Florida for spring training, according to her research. Her network of people was starting to span states, but she didn't have anyone in Tampa, or connected to the Yankees yet.

A friend that worked at Madison Square Garden couldn't hook her up with a signed ball, but she did tell he which car Patrick Ewing drove. Donna secured his autograph the old fashioned way, by waiting outside of the stadium after games for him to leave and hoping he would stop. Thankfully, he did the third night she hovered around the exit, about a week ago.

She took the day off for his birthday and Harvey was working a half day. After running errands, she thought she would make it to the apartment before him. To go along with his request, she wouldn't put up decorations or anything of that nature. The plan was to cox him out to dinner, something they did anyway, but somewhere new that served chicken parmesan. Hopefully, it could become a special spot for them, and perhaps a new tradition.

After dinner, they would go back to his apartment and snuggle up to a few of his favorite movies before calling it a night. After the birthday sex of course. She didn't anticipate any resistance to that part of it, and she had purchased some new lingerie for good measure.

When she got to his place and realized he beat her there, it was just the start to her surprise. The first thing that greeted her was music playing at the perfect background level. She recognized it as one of his dad's albums and her favorite.

Her eyes found him next, waiting with a big grin. It was clear that he had cleaned up after his half shift. He looked delicious. She took in the rest of what he had set up as she approached him.

"What is all this?" she asked as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Not waiting for an answer, she pulled his head down for a kiss that showed just how appreciative she already was.

It was his birthday, but he was the one setting the mood with dimmed lighting and candles. He knew how to be romantic when he wanted to be, and she always loved those moments.

Keeping her in his arms, he gave her a final peck before deciding to respond. "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist celebrating my birthday, so I put together a few things."

"Isn't that my job?" she asked with smile. Reaching down she gave his butt a pat and pulled away to take a closer look at what he'd come up with.

On the dinner table was Thai food, another one of her favorites. "Is this from-"

"The shitty place that you love? Of course it is," he interrupted, following her to the table.

"But-"

"But nothing. We haven't had it in a while," he cut in again. "For dessert, there is Chunky Monkey in the freezer, or if you prefer, fresh strawberries and whipped cream." He added a wink to that.

There was wine waiting, not scotch or even beer. He'd even gone and printed out a poem for her, leaving it next to a single rose. Occasionally, he'd bring her flowers and had learned her favorites, but roses had become somewhat of an inside joke.

He sat down at the table and pulled her onto his lap, running his hand down her sides while he waited for her to read the poem. The access to her neck gave him all the patience he needed. It was a nice touch that had him feeling proud of himself, even if Stephanie had to help guide his selection. Poetry wasn't exactly something he was well versed in.

"That was beautiful," she said softly.

"I guess that's fitting for the recipient then." The way he held his gaze helped to emphasize his point. "We should eat before the food, if we can call it that, gets cold."

She slid into her own seat for the meal. After, she presented the autographed basketball to him and delighted in the fact that she was able to find something that he did appreciate. His "thank you" was too genuine and his hug lingered too long for him to be bluffing.

They were on the same wave length for the rest of their evening plans, but instead of the night of action movies she had been expecting, he revealed that he had rented "Clueless" and "Much Ado About Nothing" for them.

Again, he had chosen things that she enjoyed. Although, she knew that he was a fan of "Clueless" too, whether he would admit it or not. Halfway through their first movie, she sat up suddenly and grabbed the remote to pause the VHS player.

"Okay, I have to ask. Why did we have Thai food and not a burger or chicken parm? And why aren't we watching 'the Usual Suspects' or 'Die Hard,'? It's your birthday, but it feels like a day meant for me."

He used the pause to gently push her back against the arm of the couch and climb on top of her.

"Well," he started between kisses to her clavicle. "I know you," he broke off to nibble on her ear this time. "Once you got the date…" He ran his hands underneath her sweater while he worked her neck. "You were going to be dead set on making it memorable."

"Mmmhhmm." The sound that escaped her was a cross between a moan and an acknowledgement.

He moved to her mouth, as he grew increasingly desperate for her. When she thrust up into him, he nearly lost his mind, but detached enough to finish explaining. "My birthday has never been significant to me, but you are. I figured if I made it special for you, it would be special to me."

She held in a gasp before she beamed at him. "Harvey. That. No one. I mean…"

"Don't tell me that I've rendered THE Donna Paulsen speechless," he teased.

"Well, miracles do happen," She sassed and ran her hands along his back, feeling his taut muscles. "You know, we have seen 'Clueless' before…" she whispered into his ear.

"What are you saying?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, more than intrigued.

"I am saying the signed ball isn't the only gift I have for you tonight. We should head into your room if you want to unwrap the rest of it."

He hopped up with record speed and pulled her with him. She started to lead the way but paused. "Harvey, don't forget the strawberries and whipped cream."

Present Day

This time, she did beat him to the apartment and used the key he had given her to go inside. Because his apartment was a studio, he didn't have a room to designate as a nursey. They rarely stayed there anyway, as her parents' place was better equipped.

Harvey still did create an area that had all the basics they needed, including a crib, a changing table, and a playpen. Addy had woken up the second half of the train ride, needing to feed, but she was ready to go down again. Donna placed her in the crib and made sure that the baby monitor was on, even though she wouldn't be far.

Figuring that takeout and delivery was a staple for him, she found his collection of menu pamphlets from his favorite nearby restaurants and called in an order. Just as she was hanging up the phone, Harvey came strolling through the door.

"What are you two doing here?" he asked, surprised to see Donna and his daughter. "I was going to head your way after I grabbed my things."

He gave her somewhat of an awkward side hug in greeting. They were huggers, but they still didn't always have the physical contact part of it down. Harvey didn't want to cross any lines, especially with her rule and considering Scottie. Addy was sleeping in her crib, but he risked waking her up to give her forehead a kiss.

Glancing around, he saw a cake on his kitchen counter next to a small, expertly wrapped present and an envelope.

"Please tell me that you didn't bake the cake yourself," he teasingly implored.

It looked homemade, or at least wasn't in a box from a store or bakery. The Donna he knew typically avoided spending any time in the kitchen, however.

"Okay first of all, rude. And I'll have you know that I did bake it myself. You just wait until you try it, mister. You'll be eating a second slice and your words." She crossed her arms and made a face at him.

"And here you I thought you gave up acting," he said with a smirk.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What are you saying?"

"Donna, you are a woman of many talents, but cooking has never been one of them." He placed a hand on her shoulder and delivered the line like he was a parent telling a child a hard truth.

"Baking is not that same thing. And admittedly, I was terrible at that too, but I took a class," she responded with a hand on her hip.

"You're telling me that you took a baking class?" He pointed a finger with his question, and aimed a look of disbelief her way as well.

"I did. Cooking might have been the more practical choice, but I was pregnant, and my sweet tooth won," she shrugged.

Their banter was interrupted by a knock on the door. Donna grimaced at the sound, hoping that the unnecessarily loud banging wouldn't wake Addy. It was too soon to be the food, so she wondered who it might be.

"Oh shit!" Harvey exclaimed.

Donna took one look at him and knew what, or who, his reaction was meant for. "Let me guess, you forgot you made plans with Scottie."

"You know I forget things like that. I wasn't exactly expecting you either, by the way."

"I know. I wanted it to be a surprise. You might as well let her in, though." Donna stepped back, subconsciously bracing herself for what was to come. She didn't anticipate it going well, but wasn't about to hide in the closet or anything.

When Harvey opened the door, Scottie didn't see Donna right away. It wasn't until she leaned in to kiss him and he stiffened awkwardly that she noticed that they weren't alone.

"Oh, you got to be kidding me! You forgot that you made plans with me, didn't you?" she questioned once she realized.

"No, Dana, he didn't know I was coming. I just showed up to surprise him," Donna jumped in wanting to be helpful. It was the truth after all.

"I wasn't talking to you, Donna," she said coldly.

"Hey, Scottie, cut out that tone. She didn't know we had plans," he instructed firmly.

"Of course you are taking her side. I should have known this is how it would go the second that I saw Donna was pregnant." She rolled her eyes and didn't process what she let slip out until it was too late.

"You mean when I told you she had the baby?" he asked sternly, though it was more of a warning or foreshadowing of his anger. Scottie knowing that Donna was pregnant didn't making sense. The implications behind it were already setting him off.

"I…," Scottie hesitated. Never in a million years was when she had planned to tell Harvey that she knew. The conversation with Donna was something she hoped he wouldn't be made aware of, and was shocked, frankly, that Donna hadn't filled him in. She didn't mean to do so instead.

Harvey was too impatient and was getting too worked up to wait her out. He turned toward the mother of his child instead. "Donna?" It was just her name, but a full question was rolled into it.

"Harvey… when I went to talk to you at Harvard, I didn't just see you with Scottie, we had a conversation too."

"You spoke to her instead of me?" He was still staring at Donna, almost ignoring Scottie.

"I was walking away when she approached. I might not have told you that day anyway. But she told me about Marcus and about you getting in trouble and she asked me to wait. And I did, but Harvey that was my-"

"Stop. We've worked through that. But I haven't yet with Scottie, because she didn't feel the need to fill me in either. About Addy or you."

"Harvey-" Scottie started to speak, not wanting to be a silent third party in the conversation any longer.

"No, I don't want to hear it unless you have a damn good reason. What the fuck is with the women in my life lying or hiding things from me?" He was spun all the way up and a decibel away from shouting.

Donna placed a hand on his lower back, meaning to soothe him. Scottie saw her do it and glared, but she didn't say a word.

"Hey," Donna started with tenderness. "Why don't you and Scottie step outside to talk. Addy is going to wake up crying and that won't help facilitate the conversation you need to have."

Harvey nodded and the two of them did so. From where they were standing, Donna could watch them through the blinds, but she was not the type to spy during a private moment.

When eventually he came back in, it was without Scottie. He told Donna that they decided to take a break, and maybe shoot for friendship after some time apart. When Donna tore at his trust before, deep down he knew they would eventually repair it. With most people, the option to do so was never on the table. With Scottie, he would try to, but it wasn't something he would try while still being in a relationship with her.

Donna regretted her choice not to tell him before. She cooked the grenade a little too long and it blew up in her face. Maybe if she had done so, he wouldn't be in the midst of a breakup. She felt responsible for the fallout.

"Harvey, I am not going to tell you what to do or how to feel. But please, at the end of the day, it was my responsibility to tell you. I know it feels like another woman in your life betrayed your trust, but everyone makes mistakes. She was trying to protect you. I was too."

It felt strange defending the woman she was jealous of, but if it circled around to helping Harvey, she was willing to do it.

"I forgave you for that, but why didn't you tell me about her?" he asked. The forgiveness, he reiterated, because while it wasn't something that happened overnight, once they worked it out and built their bond back up, he refused to let it crumble again.

"I thought she should. You were together, in whatever way, and trust is a hard thing for you."

"Can you blame me when everybody also lies?" he questioned.

"I don't blame you, Harvey. But I do want you to know that I learned from this, and I won't try to time things, or decide who should tell you in the future. And I do hope that it is something that you won't carry with you the rest of your life. For your sake, and for Addy's too."

She ached for him, but maybe not for herself. Maybe things would be better in the end for it, for them, even if the thought made her feel selfish.

Harvey was in a funk for a bit, but he was able to work through the worst of it by enjoying their company. He opened his gifts, a framed picture of Addy and two tickets to the Yankees game for when they would come to Boston to face the Red Sox in May. He also tried the cake and did have a second slice.

He felt bad about Scottie, but his mood could never suffer too long when he was with his girls.