Severus had meant to die, was ready for it. He had made awful mistakes in life; mistakes that he was ready to pay for.
He knew he was not dead; the pain was far too intense. It was all consuming, mind numbing, and relentless. There were voices surrounding him at all times, yet, he could not make out the words, could not focus on who the voices belonged to. Hands were holding his, stroking the hair from his face. Soft hands; gentle hands.
Severus thought of Lily, wondered if she could possibly forgive him. He thought of his mother, how he wanted to see her face once more. Most of all, he thought of her. His love, his soul-mate. The fear and sorrow on her face as he turned his head in that shack and saw her eyes; it flashed through his mind constantly.
He could not be sure how long he lie there, unable to cry out in pain, unable to move to escape it. The moments when the pain finally relented were bittersweet and short lived.
More! More! Whatever you are giving me, give me more!
He wanted to shout, but he could not. Silently he suffered, locked inside his own body.
Until one day, the weight began to lift. He could feel his fingers, someone was holding his hand again. He had control of his neck, and then another finger, then another, and before long, he could bend his knee. His eyes still could not or would not open. Then, the pain increased, and he found that he was screaming.
He was useless now. Unable to see, fingers that would not work, wobbly legs, and a weak stomach. Still though, she was there the entire time. She never left him, never let that sweet smile fade from her lips. He couldn't stop staring at her, didn't want to. She is tired, he can tell. How long has she been here? Has she slept, eaten anything at all? No, he doubted she had left his side for even a moment. She is a gentle soul destined to only care for others. It is her greatest feature, the one that caused him to fall in love with her. But it would also be her demise, for she did not know when to stop.
Finally, he is home, and she is beautiful. Oh, so very beautiful. Severus wanted to take her hand in his, hold her and never let go. But those god forsaken hands had blood on them, and even if he could get them to work, she did not need to be further tainted by them.
He was supposed to die.
He prepared for it.
He ran towards it.
He welcomed it with open arms.
Now, she is telling him that she is carrying his child, and something inside of him snaps. He hates himself for ruining her. Hates himself for destroying her life, her future. If only he never fell in love with her, never kept going to her night after night like she were a dog in heat!
She is too good, too perfect, too beautiful. He is broken, vile, tainted. The child will be a stain upon her life, will hold her back. This child will be her scarlet letter. He breaks, Tobias seeps from his veins as he throws the book in his lap across the room. He must flee, must get as far away from her as possible should the Snape Curse fully erupt from his being. He paces the garden, in his mind, he screams for his mother, because his voice won't work, and she is still, long dead.
Protect her, mum. Please. Look after her, don't let me become him.
I need you, mummy. She needs you.
She is under the ground, just below his feet. He couldn't protect her, couldn't save her from her own hand.
Suicide, he finally learned from Kingsley Shacklebolt. It had been his fault, and now it was stamped into his mind forever. A double dose of Drought of Living Dead, washed down with Moonseed Poison. She was long dead before Tobias even sobered up. It had been the Ministry who found her curled up in the kitchen floor after her Life Light dyed out, the mug she used to gulp the poisons still gripped in her hand.
If only he had come home sooner, if only he hadn't have said those things to her the last time he saw her. She would still be here; she would be able to help the woman carrying his child. She could be a grandmother, have a chance to see what a child raised with warmth and light could grow to be.
He must leave her, or allow her to give the child away, it is the only chance she has to be happy, for he will further destroy her. She would end up like his mother; dead by her own hand after years of abuse, only to be buried in the garden of the home she despised. He will not allow that to happen. Yet, each week that passes, seeing the life that they created together grow and develop, he can't bring himself to do it. When the midwife took his hands in hers, and pressed them into her bare stomach, allowing him to feel the outline of her child—their child, his heart softened. No longer did he wish her to give the child up, no longer could he force himself to leave them.
So, he does what he must do. He accepts the offer of Potions Master at St. Mungo's, despite the immense guilt flooding his conscious. For, this was her dream. Not Potions Master, though she would be an excellent one, but Herbology. She knew her plants; could name the growing conditions, germination time, and harvesting period of any plant, just from memory alone. Not only magical plants, but common weeds and flowers as well. She pointed them out often on their evening walks, would stop to rub a leaf between two of her fingers, smell its flower with a slight smile. Potions was merely a hobby, Herbology is her passion.
A home by the sea had been his desire for many years. It had been the plan; he would leave her there in the house, his mum looking after her and the child, and move to a quiet shack on Clagmar Coast. Now, however, he couldn't leave his mum, again.
He needed her to help him be good, help keep the Curse from seeping from his pores and strengthening his hands. He felt her sometimes, in the kitchen where she often spent her days. She was strongest in her bedroom, which is precisely why he began setting up a nursery for the child. His mum would be there, looking after her granddaughter, keeping her safe.
It is a girl, it had to be. Severus knew it in his bones, felt the whispers of it within his soul. Each kick, every time he ran his fingers over the tiny toes pressing beneath the surface of her mother's skin, he knew it to be true. His daughter; his very own primrose.
She will be called Lorna, there is no other name. She may think he came up with the name for their daughter, but it had actually been his Mum. Lorna Doone was her favorite book. He had asked her once, months after she had taken the potion, whether the child had been a boy or a girl.
"A girl." She whispered, her eyes filling with tears.
"What is her name?" Severus had asked, wanting to keep his sister in his heart forever.
"Lorna. Her name is Lorna Elspeth."
If there is an afterlife, he could only hope whoever was in charge allowed her to be with her Lorna, while she watched over his.
Of course, their marriage was not legal by the Ministries standards, but to him, it was. Fasting Spells had been legal up until he was a teenager, it was a part of life, a tradition of sorts for young lovers to Fast with one another on the eve of their graduation. Of course, this tradition resulted in many family feuds and divorces.
So, on Christmas day, not wanting his daughter to be born a bastard, Severus pulls out the marriage certificate he had filed for two days prior, and places it face down on the table. Once she signed, and he submit it on Monday morning, they would truly be married.
After she had passed the gifts she had thoughtfully purchased for him; a green and silver stationary set for his office at St Mungo's, and a pair of silver cuff links shaped like a snake, with shining emeralds as eyes, Severus thanks her before sliding the certificate across the table to her. She raises one brow as she reads it, then breaks down in tears. At first, Severus had thought she would say no, but she surprises him by quickly signing her name and lunging into his arms.
She is now, truly, Missus Snape.
That isn't all though, no, Severus has more up his sleeve. The damned cat for starters. He had foolishly thought she would forget about the thing with time, but he had been wrong. The beast lay curled at her side, it's long black hair fouling his sofa already, and it had only been here four hours. Madam Rosemerta dropped it off midway through the day, and Severus scowled as it prowled around his house, no doubt looking at something to piss on.
The final surprise, one that took the longest to set up, was Rose. Severus had found her living in Surrey. He had scouted out the neighborhood the same evening he filed for the marriage certificate. After drying her tears, Severus wraps her cloak tight around her, steps towards the fireplace, and motions for her to follow.
"Dogsmouth Pub, Surrey." He says firmly as he tosses a fistful of Floo Powder at his feet.
Severus steps out of the fireplace on the other side and looks around the smokey pub. A few lonely stragglers line the bar, despite it being Christmas. Before long, she steps through, her large stomach protruding proudly in front of her. It had always filled him with a sense of pride to have people look at her on his arm, more so now that the life the two of them had created together was worn beautifully on her body. He takes her arm and leads her out onto the snow covered street.
It is a short walk to Rose's home, but all uphill. He hadn't taken into account how difficult the incline would be for her, as she huffs and puffs at his side, desperately trying to keep up with his stride.
"I have seen you take on much larger inclines than this without breaking a sweat. We are nearly to the top." Severus jests, a smirk on his face as he looks back at her struggling form.
"Yeah." She snaps between breaths. "I didn't have a large pumpkin strapped to my front then, did I?"
"We're nearly there." Severus chuckles as he falls back to her side and takes her arm in his to steady her. "Besides, it is more like…a Muggle beach ball than a pumpkin. Don't you think?"
"This is torture!" She groans as she looks up at the hill they still have left to concur.
"Walking is good for you."
"Says who?" She snaps once more.
"Every midwife to have ever existed." Severus says with a chuckle.
"I don't think they know what they're talking about."
Finally, they reach the top of the hill. Severus grabs her elbow and leads her down a side street, every house is lit with twinkling lights that gleam off of the freshly fallen snow. Directly in front of them, across the empty street, sits a modest family home. In the window, is a dark skinned man with a large curly black beard and bald head, sitting on a sofa before a heavily decorated tree. In the floor before him, excitedly shaking packages, are two small girls, roughly eight years old, slightly lighter skinned than their father, with brown hair neatly braided to their scalps. They are wearing matching red and green pajamas, and bright, wide smiles. Just then, a woman walks into the room, carrying a tray of mugs. She is beautiful, she seemed to have stayed the same age for twenty years. Her hair long, flowing, and oh so red. Her smile gleams, even from the street he can see the beauty of her blue eyes.
Rose.
His wife gasps at his side and clutches his hand, she knew exactly who she was looking at. Severus looks down to see her eyes wide, her mouth open.
"Is…is that…"
"Your mum. Yes. I promised you, didn't I?"
"How—when?" She asks as she tears her eyes from the view before her and looks up at him with tears swelling in her eyes.
"Happy Christmas." Severus says with a smile. "Shall we?" He motions with his head to the door.
"How? Just walk up to the door and say, 'Surprise! I'm the kid you don't remember having?' She'll think I'm mad!"
"No, we reverse the spell. Alter it slightly, convince her that she placed you for adoption, or Sirius raised you."
"And what about them?" She points to the two little girls, sipping their mugs and laughing.
"Let her be the one to tell them." Severus says with a shrug.
Suddenly, she drops her hand and walks back in the direction from which they came.
"What is wrong?" Severus asks, concern written all over his face.
"Let's go home." She sighs as she wipes a tear from her eye. "Let's not ruin their Christmas."
"You don't want to meet her?"
"Not now. Not tonight. Let them have their Christmas."
She walks slightly ahead of him down the hill she had only moment before struggled to climb, her head down, her shoulders bowed forward.
"Have I done something?" Severus asks as he catches up to her and hooks her arm through his.
"No, Severus. Thank you, really. It's been a wonderful Christmas. I just…I don't want her to lose what she has because of me. What if he doesn't take it well? I can't just barge into her life."
"You wanted to find her." Severus reminds her.
"Yes, and I am thankful that you did. I just didn't think she would have so much to lose because of me."
"What makes you think she would lose any of it?"
"I just can't risk it is all. She looks like she has a wonderful life. Let's just let her have Christmas, then maybe, in a few months, we can come back."
"Are you afraid that she will turn you away?"
"Yes." She says with a small sob.
Severus pulls her into his arms, right there on the street as snow falls around them, and kisses her tenderly on the lips, her tears salty as they seep between his lips.
Next Christmas, they will be watching their own daughter open her gifts.
He is terrified.