This is not his bed, he knows this, yet he refuses to open his eyes to commit to the day should it be a dream and he is transported once more to his damp, cold shack with the wind whipping through the wooden boards that greeted him each morning when he woke alone. It was not meant to be like this, he had specifically told himself that he would not find himself once more in her bed, but he was a bastard who continued to fall prey to his own urges. So, he is here, in his wife's bed, their daughter between them, and her cat curled against his leg.
The early morning sun filters through the window, blinding Severus even behind his closed lids. He lifts his arm and drapes it over his eyes to block the sun, his fingertips brushing against soft, warm hair that does not belong to him. His hair was currently being fisted and knotted by his daughters long, chubby fingers, one of her legs is thrown over his stomach, her toes digging into his ribs as he lies on his back and sighs deeply. She had not been in the bed last night when he fell asleep, neither had the cat, he had tucked her into her own bed himself twice before he went to bed himself and closed the bedroom door securely to keep the cat out. She must have woken again at one point during the night and persuade her mother into letting her climb in between them, and left the door open to allow the cat to scurry in uninvited.
Severus finally relents and opens his eyes as he turns his head away from the window, and towards his daughters sleeping form next to him on the bed. Her black, waving locks of hair are stuck to her face with saliva and sweat, Severus removes his arm from over his eyes and pushes the hair from her face. She lifts her eyebrows and chin momentarily at his touch, as if beginning to stir from her slumber before instantly settling back down; her hand remains locked in his hair, her grip tightening ever so slightly at the disturbance he had caused. It had been assumed, when she was a newborn with her long limbs, black hair, and high cheekbones that she looked like him, then as she aged a bit more and her features began to even out, it had been assumed that she looked like her mother. Now, however, it was evident that she looked like a spitting image of her grandfather, Sirius Black. Her eyes betrayed him, though, for they are the exact shade of his own father's. This beautiful, innocent, kindhearted child was somehow cursed to look like the two men he hated most in his life, the two men who caused him the most pain when he was nothing but a child himself. Of course, fate would be this cruel to him, he expected nothing less. He did not blame the child, of course, it was not her fault. Neither did it keep him from loving her.
He had never felt love like this before. Had never felt such a primal urge and desire to protect another human. Of course, he had the inclination to defend others when needed, but it did not run quite this deeply. He had never felt it course through his veins and hinder his thoughts. Before, he could watch a child walk past a stove and not stiffen in fear that the burner would be hot and they would place their hand upon it, not once was he terrified watching a child run down a hill should they trip and skin their knee, or worse, break a bone. He had never liked children before, or so he thought. As it turns out, he did not like other people's children; he loves his own. There were days though when he became frightened that Tobias would seep from his pores and poison her. Days when she refused to listen to reason, when she spilled a drink on the floor after he had told her to leave the cup at the table, or when she looked up at him with a menacing grin and sloshed bath water all down his front after being repeatedly told not to. These instances, however, only served to slightly agitate him, never could he fathom a circumstance so dire that he would be forced to use his fists or harsh words against her.
Each day was different with Lorna, more exciting. There were things that he could teach her, and she was so eager to learn. She trusted him blindly; she studied him intently as he spoke. He found himself waking in a good mood most days, optimistic for her future, yearning to see her grow. The guilt was there, gnawing at his spine for missing so much time with her, but he had time now. He would make up for it, he would make it right. She will never have a chance to long for a father because he will not leave her again.
Severus glances at his wife sleeping on the other side of their daughter, pushes the annoyance he currently held for her down, and pries the small fingers from his hair before slipping from the bed and down the stairs to apparate back to Clagmar Coast to take care of some final Christmas preparations. Days prior, on her weekly day off from work, Severus had made his way to a small Muggle village outside of London and purchased a bicycle for Lorna, just as he had planned on doing for weeks. He had never learned to ride a bicycle. He had been interested, of course, but there was never an opportunity for him to learn. His family had been far too penurious to afford even necessities, much less the luxury of owning a bicycle meant for a child who will only outgrow it before they master riding it. Lily had a bicycle when they first became acquainted with one another, but he had been far too ashamed to admit to her that he had not a clue how to ride before she quickly learned of magic and deemed the bicycle useless. After that, only Petunia had one, and hell would have frozen over before she ever let him touch the thing. Lorna, he decided, would learn to ride a bicycle.
Lorna was his primrose. She had bloomed on the darkest of February mornings and lit up his dark, gloomy life like the sun. She continues to this day to be a beacon on the horizon, calming the misery and frustration inside of him and calling him home to a place he did not know he needed to be before he was already there, taking up space and interrupting their lives and routines. It was there, in a jewelry shop in Diagon Alley that he had frequented many times before that he had found the small glass orb with a primrose, enchanted to bloom each morning. Severus held the fragile glass bulb in his hand and marveled at the simplicity of it. A primrose is not an extraordinary flower, it holds no magical properties, nor is it highly sought after. It is the simplicity of its beauty that makes it stand out against the gloom.
Upon taking the orb to the counter to pay, a small necklace catches his eye. It again is not extraordinary, but it is perfect. A simple golden chain with a violet charm, its petals inlaid with amethyst. Lorna's birthstone and birth flower. Just as he reaches his hand into his pocket to produce the gold to pay, another item catches his eye beneath the glass counter. A silver chain with two charms. One a bat, the other a doe. He stares at it a moment, surely, it could not be the same.
"Mister Snape?" the shopkeeper, whom he had been familiar with for years snaps him out of his daze. "Is everything alright?"
"I will take that as well." Severus replies, reaching out a finger to rest on the glass above the simple bracelet that should not hold as much meaning to him as it does.
"Are you sure, Mister Snape? We've had this piece for years. No one has been interested after they see the initials on the back of the charms. We have tried to have them removed, but no amount of magic, goblin or wizard, will remove them."
"Yes, I am certain." Severus snaps a bit too firmly, causing the shop keep to flinch slightly as he removes the bracelet from the case and slides it towards him before ringing all of the items up.
Severus himself had performed the spell to inscribe he and his wife's first initials onto the back of the charms. The fact that no one could remove them was intentional, deliberate on his part. They would only fade in the event of their divorce. Not even death would scrub the D from the bat, nor the S from the doe. It was love that held the letters there, nothing more. Though the letters are faded, they still stand. The fading of the letters is what causes his heart to ache more so than finding out that she had sold the bracelet. He would get them back, though. He would make them stand out just as they had the day he had inscribed them.
The remainder of the day was spent going in and out of shops, both Muggle and magical, apparating back to Clagmar Coast when his hands and pockets became too full and going back at it. This next gift needed to be perfect, needed to express the feelings which he had so far been able to put into words. The issue at hand was not that she was a working mother, it was the fact that he saw firsthand the sadness in their daughters eye when she woke in the mornings and her mother was nowhere to be seen, heard the longing in her voice as she wished her mother could be present to see a picture she had drawn or the way she had traced his handwriting to sign her own name on the page before hanging it on the icebox in hopes that her mother would see it when she returned, watched as Lorna rung her hands, the same way her mother did when nervous, while standing before the kitchen door for any sign of her mother returning before nightfall. He knew firsthand the pain that accompanied knowing he missed any of Lorna's milestones through no fault but his own, he did not want her holding the same guilt for missing anything. He did not want Lorna growing and needing to heal from any trauma, whether intentional or not. Lorna would have everything that the two of them never did; parents that were present and loved her.
Hours later, long after midnight, Severus finds himself pacing in the sand before his shack on the coast. He couldn't go in, even if he wanted to. Every square inch of the damned place was filled with plants. Perhaps he went overboard, but he wanted this gesture to come from the heart, and he had no idea there would be so many plants available this time of year that she would love. She threw him out into the cold darkness of winter only days before Christmas. He had not intended the argument to ensue, he had only been concerned. She did have a history of alcoholism, seeing the glass of wine in her hand had brought back every one of the frustrations and terror that filled him as he watched her pass out in a drunken stupor night after night. He only wanted to protect her, and Lorna from that devastation.
—
Christmas comes and goes, as does yet another argument with his wife. She had come home late, once again. Lorna had spent all day marveling at the tree, counting her gifts, and asking when her mother would be home. Lorna loved him, it was plain to see, but her mother was her source of safety and comfort. He could hold her, sooth her when she became upset, and teach her anything he knew, but it was her mother that calmed her fears and relented to her every whim the moment her bottom lip began to tremble.
It was not even the fact that she had delayed buying Lorna a new coat, or even the fact that she had not noticed that he had, it was more so a combination of it all. Deep down, he knew that she was doing the best that she could under the circumstances. And yes, saving the gold for Lorna in case of any disaster was a good idea, but the gold was there for her to use. There was more gold in the vault than Lorna would likely be able to use in a lifetime, should she spend carefully and keep up regular employment to supplement any major purchases.
Severus kept his distance on Christmas, not wanting to start another argument unintentionally, allowing Lorna to have her first Christmas with both parents together. Omitting her gift from the morning's pile of delivered gifts had also been intentional. For starters, it would have taken far too many trips entirely too early in the morning on a day he was certain Lorna would be buzzing with energy and excitement. Second, he wanted it to be a true surprise for her. The sadness he saw on her face when she glanced towards the tree and saw there were no gifts for her did cause him to almost break down and retrieve her gift from his home, but Draco's arrival spared him from countless trips to bring the hordes of plants.
Severus watches from the shadows as his godson plays with his daughter, allowing him to push her on her bicycle around the sofa in the sitting room and showed him each of her books. She held the charm of her necklace out proudly, exclaiming loudly that her daddy gave it to her. It filled him with pride to have chosen something so simple that filled her with such happiness. Draco seems to love Lorna, and Lorna obviously loves Draco. Severus slinks from the shadows as his wife prepares tea, hopeful to be unbothered. A firm hand on his shoulder shortly after sitting proves that to hope to be unfounded.
"May I speak with you?" Draco asks quietly, yet firmly. "In private."
Severus stands and follows Draco outside, ready for this conversation to be over before it has even begun.
"My wife is desperate for a child." Draco blurts without prompt as soon as the door closes behind him.
"You are a grown man. Surely you do not need me to explain how children are made." Severus grunts as he pinches the bridge of his nose.
"What—no. I mean the curse. How bad would it be?"
"It would mean a death far sooner than you are expecting." Severus answers matter-of-factly, not wanting to sugarcoat the fact. There would be no saving the poor girl either way, but bringing a child into it would be far worse for everyone involved.
"Surely, there's something that we can do." Draco pleads, the fear in his eyes enough to make him want to pull him into a tight hug for the first time since he was a small child.
"Don't allow her to carry a child. Enjoy the time that you have remaining." Severus cautions. Draco runs his hands through his hair and kneels down as if he were about to sit in the snow on the stoop.
"She has made up her mind. She will not be swayed. Mother and Father are pushing for an heir, they do not understand how dire it truly is, and it is affecting her. She believes she must prove something to them, though I have no idea why."
"Then prepare to bury her." Severus stated plainly, hoping the lack of empathy portrays exactly how dire the situation truly is, and stalks back into the house, leaving Draco kneeling in near tears in the cold.
Three days later, Severus stands in his wife's kitchen, looking out of the window as Harry Potter holds his daughters hand and walks her down the path leading towards the Weasley's. He had come to spend to watch her so her mother could return to work after the holiday. He had not spoken to his wife since their fight two days before Christmas but had been under the assumption that she would be returning to work this day. Unbeknownst to him, she was in fact off of work today, and had given Potter permission to take their child to a Muggle zoo to catch some form of influenza without consulting him on the matter.
"I would appreciate it," Severus sneers as he watches Lorna's figure disappear beyond a bend. "if I was consulted prior to you allowing our child to go gallivanting around town with Harry Potter."
"She's only going to the zoo, Severus. She hasn't gotten to see Teddy in a while, the two enjoy playing together." She replies with a slight edge to her voice as she pours her coffee. "Plus, you haven't been here or spoken to me in days."
"I was allowing you time and space to make a decision." Severus states plainly as he turns to catch a small flash of red dipping behind a wall of plants still lining every surface of her kitchen. Some had been rearranged to allow her access to the oven and a small section of counter space, but it was still positively packed.
"It isn't just about us and our emotions anymore, Severus." She snips, popping her head up from behind the wall of plants on the island bar in the center of the kitchen.
"Meaning?" Severus asks, raising his eyebrow at hers, as all that was visible of her over the barricade was her eyes up.
"Meaning your daughter has been asking for you since Christmas. I told her you were busy brewing, and she asked why she couldn't help you."
"You could have written, or better yet, simply brought her to me."
"It is not my job to track you down!" She snaps, slamming her mug of coffee down on the counter, rattling the ceramic pots of several plants before stepping around the counter to face him head on. The storm behind her blue eyes brewing, the Black temper fighting to release from within her. "It is not my job to find you every time you disappear!"
"I did not disappear." Severus spits, narrowing his eyes at her as his own anger begins to simmer.
"You did, you always have! If you don't want to be here, if this is too much for you, then go now before Lorna grows even more attached. I'm sorry I brought you in to this when you clearly did not want to be, I thought I was doing the right thing!"
"I. Did. Not. Disappear." Severus repeats again, carefully enunciating each word as he grips the back of a chair so tightly his fingers go numb in an effort to keep from fully erupting in rage.
"And I can't trust that you won't!" She shouts, her face reddening with the effort it took to shout at him. Her fists are balled at her sides, her shoulders are hunched like a dog ready to attack.
Severus releases the back of the chair and slams it backwards so hard it crashes to the floor, he does not look back at it, but is certain he heard the wood splinter at the force of which he sent it tumbling. He stalks towards his wife, his stride slow and careful should she take it as a threat and attack. His fingertips are on the end of his wands handle peeking out of the tunnel of fabric sewn into the inside of his sleeve, she sees this and takes it as a threat, she jerks, he releases his grip on his own wand and holds his hands up in peace. Her eyes dart back and forth between his own, and his hands raised in front of him. Her chest heaves, her breathing is labored.
"Take out your wand." Severus instructs, using his best effort to keep his voice calm and level in an attempt to sooth her.
"Why?" She snaps, her eyes boring into his.
"The Unbreakable Vow." Severus reaches his right hand out to hers in an attempt to take her left in his.
"NO!" She shouts as she jerks backwards as if he were a venomous snake ready to strike. "No, I am not doing that!"
"Why not?"
"Because I am not trapping you to get you to stay!"
"I am merely suggesting it as a last resort to prove I am committed to being present in Lorna's life. I will not abandon her." Severus softens his gaze on her, ready to do whatever it took to calm her before she truly exploded.
"You've already abandoned her once! You run so willingly towards death, you have never told me anything unless you're actively trying to get yourself killed, you leave me in the dark about everything! You have no problem disappearing, how do I know that you won't make this vow and then run away in a month to die, then I'm stuck telling Lorna that you would have rather died than be here!"
Severus flinches slightly at her outburst. He clenches his teeth and closes his eyes, he takes several long, deep breaths before opening his eyes once more to look at her. She is truly stunning. Even in her anger, even with her hair a wild tangled mess still from sleep, even with her face blazing with rage, and her eyes wide and fiery with passion, and the venom of her words spewing towards him, striking him in the heart just as she intends them to. She is magnificent. He had her, held her and loved her, then lost her due to his own foolishness. He had been a lucky man once, perhaps he can once more, perhaps he can have her look at him with such love and devotion as she once did, and not with pity as she did when he woke in Saint Mungo's, or with blind rage as she was now.
"I believe—" Severus begins calmly as he takes a small, timid step towards her. She steps backwards, establishing the distance between them. "It is my belief that you may have a form of anxiety, perhaps even a mild case of post-traumatic stress disorder. As I advised you last week, you need to refrain from fixating on hypothetical situations."
"You—" She begins, closing the distance between them and pointing a finger at him. Her nostrils flare, her eyes narrow. "You will not attempt to diagnose me; you will not tell me what to do. I am not a complacent child locked in a dungeon anymore! I'm not going to blindly follow your every order like Dumbledore told me to!"
"You were nothing but a pawn to Albus just like everyone else!" Severus snaps at mention of the man's name without intending to. "He would have thrown you to The Dark Lord the moment he could, prophecy be damned! Stop idolizing the bastard and—"
"What prophecy?" She interrupts, placing her hands on her hips and glaring up at him through curtains of fiery hair.
"It does not matter." Severus murmurs as he takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair.
"No, what prophecy."
"Sybil gave a prophecy, Albus believed it was referring to you and I, which is why he insisted upon our union. It was not to save you, it was not to protect you, it was simply a science experiment to him!"
"Why me? What was so special about me that he had to go through all of these lengths to keep me in the dark about everything and ruin your life!"
"Nothing!" Severus bellows, causing her to flinch. "There was nothing special about you other than the fact that you are related to Harry Potter, and he knew he could use you as bait should it come to that! Of course, he had to keep you where he could monitor you, of course he had to keep you hidden away! I did my best; I did everything I could to keep that from happening! You did not ruin my life, damnit!"
He freezes, processing the information he had given her. Processing the fact that the man she regarded as a hero was nothing more than an obsessed bastard who loved long, drawn out mind games. Her eyes dart around the room, her shoulders slump. Severus goes to her while her guard is down, grips her face in his hands, and forces her to look up at him. She tries to pull away, but he only tightens his grips, keeping her there before him.
"I love you, Danu." he finally says, the confession a weight off of his shoulders, her name a tingle on his tongue. "I am sorry you were forced into this; I apologize for every wrong I have committed against you. I do love you; I will always love you."
"You only loved me because of Lily." She stammers, tears flowing from her eyes. Severus wipes her tears with the pads of his thumbs, the name momentarily causing him to still. "And now you only love me because of Lorna. You don't love me for who I am. Only who you think of when you look at me."
"No." Severus replies forcefully, forcing her to look at him once more. "I love you."
"I just can't trust that you won't leave. I won't have anyone then. I lost Molly when you came back, Draco and Harry are frustrated with me because of it, Hermione and Ginny won't even speak to me. I will have no one."
"I am not leaving." Severus reminds her once more before pulling her against his chest and holding her there. Her heart pounds against him, she trembles slightly as she attempts to hide her sobs. She pulls away and turns her back to him, discreetly wiping tears from her face.
"I want to fix Rose's memory. I think….I think I'm ready to meet her." She murmurs, her voice chopping as she attempts to catch her breath.
"Alright. It should not be too hard; I believe I have a vague understanding of what all Albus took from her. We can go-"
"No. I want Harry to be with me. It needs to be just him and I." Severus sneers at this, she turns and faces him once more, her eyes bloodshot and swollen from tears. "Please. Just let me have this one thing without you taking it personally."