A/N: Y'all not ready for thisssss. Angst galore.
Should've held my ground
I could've been redeemed
For every second chance
That changed its mind on me
I should've spoken up
I should've proudly claimed
That oh my head's to blame
For all my heart's mistakes
But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away
And it's you, and it's you
And it's you, and it's you
And it's falling down, as you walk away
And it's on me now, as you go
Mess I Made - Parachute
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I laugh heartily at Emmett's disgruntled face. It's been almost two weeks since I decided to join my family; to try harder on my diet. I needed to feed more frequently than the others. Usually I hunt alone but Em decides he has to accompany me this trip. Only for me to steal his bear from him I chuckle to myself.
"You're a little slimy bitch ya know that." He huffs, nostrils flaring as he tries finding something else to eat.
I drain the bear quickly before looking up at him. "It's not my fault you're slower than me. Always have been and always will be." My smile is mocking.
He bares his teeth but takes off in the opposite direction. I follow slowly, not wanting to disrupt him this time. He lunges at a giant buck, making quick work of it.
"Not as good as bear." He shoots me a dirty look.
I shrug innocently. With a shake of his head we start walking towards 'home'. It still didn't feel that way for me. More than anything I miss my quiet cabin in the woods. With Bella at my side.
Bella. I haven't seen her since she basically ordered me away. The first couple of days it took everyone's strength to keep me from rushing into her house and taking her again. When I finally gave up, accepted my fate, they were easier on me.
"How are you holding up?"
"Like shit but what's new. I said I would try so that's what I'm doing. But I think I'll go back to be alone once it's said and done." I murmur.
"You can't spend the rest of your life alone. We're your family. You know you belong with us."
"I can't handle being surrounded by mated couples for the rest of my infinite existence. Going off on my own is the best choice for me." I run my hand through my hair frustrated
He doesn't say anything out loud but he felt bad for me in his thoughts. I laboriously ignore his inner concerns.
When we come upon the Cullen home; I do what I do every night, I fly up onto the roof. I was given my old room, not that I wanted it, but it felt like I was suffocating when I spent any length of time in there. I fall back against the rooftop and stare at the sky. I try hard to pretend like I'm sleeping again. Just like I did when I was with Bella. It seems like a lifetime ago. Regardless the feeling escapes me. If I were human and could theoretically sleep, it would be as lost to me as it is now.
Somewhere in the early hours of the morning Alice's vision pierces through my subconscious. I see a thinner Bella showing up at our doorstep. Her face shining blindingly with happiness.
I jerk up. How the fuck could she possibly end up here? And why? War breaks out within me. She told me to leave. I shouldn't trouble myself with thoughts of her. She doesn't matter to me.
Then there's the less dominate side of me, who thinks I should hunt her down. I beat him into submission. He has no business here. Bella won't ever see me again if I have any say.
Another week goes by the same as the last. I hunt, I lay on the roof, over and over again. It's repetitive and uneventful. I know my family is concerned for me but honestly I don't know what more they want from me. I stick to drinking from animals, I stay away from humans, stay away from Bella. I cause no unrest. Sure, life is dull, but I have no clue how else to live it. Not anymore.
"You can't keep on like this. Everyone is worried about you." Rosalie's sharp hiss reaches me.
I don't reply. Not really in the mood for conversation, or a lecture in this case.
"God damn it Edward."
I close my eyes, listening acutely to her stomps fading away. I'm unsure how much time passes before I feel a presence with me on the rooftop. My eyes snap open, widening at the figure before me.
"Edward." She sighs softly.
"What are you doing here Tanya?"
"Rosalie told me you needed a bit of a distraction."
Her mind releases an onslaught of thoughts on me. They range from fantasies to real world encounters between the two of us. I growl low, straining to block her.
"I don't need a distraction." It comes out rough.
"I beg to differ. You always feel better…afterwards." She purrs.
I say nothing, deciding to go back to ignoring her and the world around me. Her thoughts, her innuendos, her body; it all means nothing to me. I don't even feel the familiar stir in my groin.
"For god sakes Edward. She's just a stupid human girl. Get the hell over it."
I snarl viciously at her words. Bella was more than just a stupid human girl. She was everything to me.
"If you ever talk down on her again I'll burn your pieces to ash myself."
She rears back, surprise coloring her features. I jump off the roof, ready to get the fuck away from her. I don't know why Rosalie would ever think I would want to see Tanya again.
"Seriously Edward, what is wrong with you? It's just a human. You've fed and fucked them before." She rolls her eyes, following me.
"This one's different." I snap.
So very very different. I would fall at her feet.
"Ha yea ok. You are incapable of love. I've seen that with my own eyes."
I heard what her mouth wouldn't say. I couldn't love her so I was unable to love anyone. I disregard her, already bored. I wasn't going to be spilling my heart out anytime soon; definitely not to Tanya of all people.
"Oh my fucking god. You fell in love with a fucking human girl."
Her face twists in disgusted agony.
"I gave you every fucking part of myself. Gave you more of myself than anyone has ever received. You told me that it wasn't me it was you. I have waited for you all these years. I was hoping you'd come to your senses one day. Now you and your family think you've fallen in love with some stupid mortal?" She shrieks.
"Well don't you feel foolish as fuck." I sneer.
Her hand is a flash of white as she slaps me across the face. My head whips to the side with the force.
"EDWARD NO!" Someone yells. Rage clouds my vision and pounds in my ears, making it impossible to pinpoint who.
I hurl Tanya into the dense forest; releasing a savage snarl as her body smashes through trees. I slip into a crouch readying myself for a fight. Out of nowhere Emmett knocks into me.
I growl low but don't struggle. Already deciding that she really isn't worth the risk. Tanya emerges, running at me quick.
"That's enough!" Esme yells.
Tanya collapses as Jasper comes out of the house; using his powers against her. She growls weakly.
"What is going on out here?"
"Your son is a piece of shit. He deserves all the misfortune that comes his way." Tanya screams at us.
Esme gasps in surprise. The rest of us look on in shock at Tanya's outburst. Not me, I'm never surprised by someone's true nature. I knew better than anyone the darkness that swirled in the deep recesses of her mind.
"How dare you come into our home and talk about Edward like that?" Esme hisses, coming to my defense at once.
"Edward is an abomination. Falling for a human when there has always been a vampire waiting in the wings for him."
I laugh then. A laugh from deep in my belly. It's so loud it shakes me. Tanya's face becomes angrier.
"Is that what this is about? You can't stand that a human could ever be more appealing to me than you." I chuckle icily.
"What will you do if she were to die right now? You know you aren't compatible. I'm willing to look over this digression." She looks at me smugly.
"I. Don't. Want. You." The words are distinct.
It's silent as we face off. Her mind begging me to give in. We could fight the loneliness together. The thought disgusts me. Even when my relationship with Tanya went past friendship, into the physical, I never wanted her that way. It was merely a distraction. Something to pass the time.
She crumbles under the weight of my decision. Her mind a mess of despair. I tune it out. It won't change my mind to hear it.
"Edward." Esme's voice is soft. "You're being unnecessarily cruel."
I ignore her, not out of rudeness, but simply out of disagreement. Being nice to Tanya only twisted her perception. Made her want more from me than I was willing to give; than I was even capable of giving.
"Tanya maybe it's best you come inside." Esme says gently.
"Can I please have a moment alone with Edward?" Her breath hitches.
My family looks at me then and I give them a slight nod. When it's just us she looks up at me. Her eyes glazed over, the pain in them makes me uncomfortable. I turn away.
"Why? Why wasn't I enough?" Her whisper is broken.
"Tan." My voice is faint.
"Please. Please just answer my question." It's a cry.
"I can't answer it. I don't know. You think I wanted this." I laugh cruelly.
To be so obsessed with someone. To give them all that I am even when I feel like nothing. For her to throw it all away. I wouldn't wish this on an enemy.
"I want to meet her. I want to see why for myself."
"No." I growl low. "And even if it were possible, if I let you, she's gone. She ordered me away weeks ago. She isn't coming back." A lie. But bringing up what Alice saw was unnecessary.
"You're content with spending eternity alone? I know I'm not your mate but I can still keep your bed warm. So to speak."
"I don't want just mere warmth. I touched the sun. Was scorched by it. I have never felt anything like the burn I felt when she was mine. I'll never feel anything like that again." I puff out a ragged breath.
Her dry sobs are piercing. I feel…dreadful over the way I make her feel. But I can't change my mind any easier than she can.
Tanya flints to my side causing me to tense. She sighs softly as she leans into me.
"You're pushing your luck." My voice is hard.
"You never were one for affectionate displays."
She makes no move to uncoil herself from me. I lean back against the house, unwillingly taking her with me.
"I don't know why you fight so hard to be with someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings." I mumble.
"I could say the same to you."
I flinch; my jaw clenching. "I'm not fighting for her. I know she doesn't want me. It doesn't change the fact that she's permanently altered me. That will never be corrected. I'm lost to her now. She owns me. Whether she knows it or not."
"I'm jealous of her. She has what I have sought for so long. Only to throw it away. Do you regret your choices?"
She pulls back to look into my eyes. I shrug noncommittally. Not ready to admit that I did secretly regret ever meeting Bella.
"It is what it is."
"I'm sorry for slapping you."
"No you aren't." I grin.
"You're right. But I should've known better. I know your temper. You've always been…mmm feral."
Her thoughts drift back to all the times we came together. The pleasure I gave her was unimaginable. It was everything she ever wanted and she wishes I could give it to her again.
I snort. "You're impossible."
Her smile is wide and shameless. We shift into a peaceful silence. I wonder what life would be life if I could just give myself to her. How much simpler it would be to…love…someone of my kind.
Bella ruined me beyond repair. Do you miss me as much as I miss you I wonder. But theres no answer. All I get is silence.
Can't wait to post next chapter. It's a doozy. Until next week my loveys