A/N: I hope y'all like drama. Cause drama is my middle name!

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat

'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me (oh whoa)

Looking for heaven, for the devil in me (oh whoa)

But what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake It Out - Florence + the Machine

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Tanya doesn't leave. She makes a subconscious choice to remain with our family. She gives them lame excuses as for her reasoning. But I knew the truth. She was hoping beyond sanity that I would finally desire her the way she did me. If not that then she wanted Bella to somehow come back to me so she could meet her.

Neither option would happen. But if she wished to stay then my family would happily host.

"I think Bella is looking for you." Alice's thoughts float lazily up to me one day.

I growl painfully. She'll never find me. I'll see to it.

"Stop deciding to stay away from her. It's foolish. She wants you. I've seen it."

We both knew her visions are subject to change. For all I knew she was talking to me about old choices Bella made. All in an attempt to bring me to life.

"She'll find her way here. Soon. Be prepared."

I brush her off. I always do. The monotonous routine returns. Except now I spend more time indoors than I do on the roof. And Tanya is glued to my side. At first I thought it bothered me but I ultimately enjoy the company.

"Would you like to go hunting with me." Tanya whispers against my ear.

"Sure." I rise fluidly.

I fly out of the house before her, laughing at her disgruntled thoughts.

"No need to be a sore loser T."

"Whatever. It's polite to let a lady win." She huffs.

"You and I both know I'm not gentleman."

"Don't I know it." I ignore the thought.

The hunt is the same as always, unstimulating. At least the minds of the animals are quiet I muse.

"Why not just leave and revert back to the true diet? I know you hate this way of living." She murmurs, breaking the silence.

"Jasper convinced me I would be better off with them. And I just never found the energy to leave. So here I am." I shrug.

"Are you not tired of the thoughts? You used to love being alone."

"Are you tired of my companionship?"

"I'm used to the noise by now. And the companionship. Neither bother me." I give her a side eye.

She smiles softly to herself but says nothing. Even her thoughts are muted. The walk back to our home is uneventful. Right as we're about to cross the thicket of trees leading to our front yard Tanya reaches out and links our fingers together. I huff but don't make any moves to separate our hands. In the back of my mind I know these are not the hands I crave. She doesn't burn me the way Bella does. I push that line of thinking away instantly.

"You do know this means more to you than it does to me?" I rumble brusquely.

"And yet you aren't stopping me." She smiles triumphantly.

I smirk. "Guess you got me there."

Alice is outside, eyes narrowed as she glares at us. Her eyes fixed on our interlinked digits.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Her thoughts hiss. Out loud she says "Tanya you do realize my brother is a mated man right? And he wants nothing to do with you." Here we go.

"Maybe Edward has decided that he's ok with just casual intimacy." Tanya sneers.

I haven't but I wish I could. Life would be remarkably easier if I could be mated to Tanya instead.

"Are you? He loves Bella. More than I can say about whatever he feels for you." Alice shrugs.

Tanya goes rigid. "Ladies please don't fight over me." I chuckle, trying to break the tension.

"Edward, please. You deserve more to this life than being stuck in a loveless situationship with Tanya. You know this. Bella WILL come back. I've seen it." Alices thoughts are desperate.

"Enough short shit. Bella is NOT coming back. She made that choice for the both of us. I'm tired of going through this shit with you. It's relentless." I snap, my chest aching.

"Just give it a rest Alice. It's clear your brother wants to be with me. Why do you keep interfering?" Tanya rolls her eyes.

Alice snarls before darting away. I sigh, running my hands through my hair. While I didn't bother to correct her, Tanya is wrong in thinking that I want to be with her. I want Bella but can't have her. I'm letting the chips fall where they may when it comes to everything else.

There's a sharp pang in my chest. I miss my girl more than words. Except she isn't mine anymore.

I tense at the feel of Tanyas hands rubbing me under my shirt. I grip her wrists spinning her around to face me.

"You like to test my boundaries don't you." I growl in her ear.

Her eyes blacken before she lunges at me. Her lips meet mine recklessly. My hand flies to her throat, squeezing forcibly. I don't have to be careful with Tanya the way I do with Bella. I don't have to hold back. I slam her into the side of the house, pulling our lips apart with a harsh pant.

"We shouldn't be doing this. Alice was right." I exhale, my grip loosening.

Tanya cups my face, her eyes soft. "I know you will never love me the way I love you. I'm making my peace with it. That doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other. I have enough love for the both of us."

I groan, my stomach knotting, and start pulling away. What's the point of all of this? Of Bella hurting me, me hurting Tanya, and Tanya hurting herself? "I won't let you use me to destroy yourself. You deserve the love of your true mate, someone who can love you in the right way."

She sighs. "And you don't?"

"No." I growl darkly.

"Edward you don't see yourself clearly. You are not a monster."

I stiffen at her words. My mind flashing to memories of Bella saying the same words to me. My heart tells me I should find her, we need to be together. On the other hand I know my brain would never allow it. She threw me away. So I'll stay away forever.

"You're just as blind as Bella."

I don't miss the scowl that shoots across her face before she composes herself. "Relax princess." I chuckle.

"I really have no desire to ever hear her name." She grumbles.

"You have no right to be jealous. I belong to her. She'd probably try to kick your ass if she ever found out." I snort.

"Love to see her try. I won't go easy on her just because I care about you. We're supposed to be together." She pouts, crossing her arms across her chest.

I ruffle her hair roughly. "You wouldn't even get the chance to get near her." I grin.

Before she can say anything Alice is back, still looking overly pissed. "Edward I need to talk to you. Now."

"You think you can handle being away from me for me than one second." I tease Tanya.

She doesn't answer instead grips my shirt, forcefully pulling me toward her. Her lips brush against mine softly. I growl gripping her chin to pry our faces apart, my jaw clenching.

A wave of bitterness washes over me. I wish these were different lips, warmer, softer lips.

"Today Edward. Jesus Christ."

I give her my best stern look but she just smiles back. I turn to Alice with a laugh. "Yes my darling baby sister."

She says nothing, just takes off into the woods. I follow diligently, clearly she didn't want anyone to tune in. Her abrupt stop has me flying past her. I skid to a halt in bewilderment.

"Fuck was that for?"

"Because you're an asshole. You're ruining everything. The future is all over the place. I can't even tell what's actually going to happen anymore." She yells exasperated.

"Maybe it's time to let the future go Ali. Live in the present."

"Edward do you actually want to live the rest of your infinite life with Tanya?" She eyes me skeptically.

"She's not so bad." I mutter.

"Oh my fucking god. I think you're depressed. You've lost your mind. For fuck sakes, have you looked at yourself?"

"I- whats that supposed to mean?" I sniff.

"You look dull Edward. There is literally no zest for life to be found anywhere on your person. It looks like you've given up on living. You're back to existing again." She sighs.

I say nothing. I don't know what to say. As usual Alice is right. We may not be as close as Jasper and I, and while she definitely doesn't have his gifts, Alice has always been able to read me like an open book.

I'm just drifting, stuck in a state of stagnation. I gave up the day Bella left.

"I don't have a reason to live." My voice is faint.

"Except you fucking do. You do and you're throwing it away. I can tell you with certainty that Bella has not given up on you. You'll kill the both you continuing on this stupid path."

Her mind opens up to me, bombarding me with vision after vision of Bella. Bella screaming and writhing in her bed, plagued by nightmares. Bella staring listlessly into space. Bella not eating. Bella. Bella. Bella. I grunt in pain, collapsing to the forest floor while clutching my head.

"Stop. Stop it." I groan.

She shows me a vision of myself before promptly blocking me. I look awful. My eyes flat as I stare at her. My fingers dig into the earth as I suck in ragged breaths. Alice kneels down next to me, her fingers running through my hair lovingly.

"I'm sorry. I just can't let you throw your happiness away like this Edward. You're my brother and I love you. We haven't even been able to enjoy you because you've been so disconsolate."

Sobs bubble out of my throat. "She doesn't fucking want me."

"That's not true. You know that's not true. I know she told you to go but that was definitely supposed to be temporary. Jesus you're just impulsive as fuck."

I clench my jaw to stop the convulsing cries from escaping me. "Let her love you Edward. Let her in."

My brain disintegrates into nothing before imploding into an amalgamation of thoughts. Could I let Bella in? Was I even worthy of love? I conclude it doesn't matter. It was immoral to cause my angel anymore pain. It was time I ended my penance, our penance.

"What do you see now Alice?" I gasp.

I look up wearily to see her eyes glazed over. No doubt watching a new future manifest itself. She blinks rapidly before locking eyes with me. Her answering smile is bright.

"Much better Edward. Much better"

Now the worst part was biding my time and waiting for Bella to come to me. Alice said she would. I would just have to remain tenacious and wait for her to come to me.

Oh and I have to break the news to Tanya. Fucking great.

I'm sorrryyyyy. Lmaoo don't hate me. But also you'll keep hating me with the next chapter too. I will redeem myself promiseeee.