Author note- We made it to 100 reviews. You guys are always so amazing. Hope you enjoy the new chapter.
Chapter 54
Secrets
Harry's palms were sweating as he ducked into the abandoned girl's bathroom on the second floor. Snape had told them off this morning for leaving the house and running into danger. They were on restriction again, which was fine with Harry. The street fair ran the rest of the weekend, and he hadn't planned on going back unless Mary needed more help.
They'd had their dueling lesson and finished a while ago. Snape had said that Sirius and Remus wanted to talk to him. He wasn't really in the mood for another lecture. They were waiting for him in the library.
He had descended the stairs and headed to the bathroom instead of continuing to the library. He wasn't looking forward to getting into more trouble, but he had to get rid of the items in his trunk. They were doing something to him.
He was still accepting what he had done last night, but he felt justified. The Death Eater's had been sent to kill and they were going to do as much damage as they could before they got there. Harry killing them first was just a fact of war. One he hoped he wouldn't have to do again. However, he also thought he may have taken a less deadly action if he hadn't been carrying around the bits of Voldemort's magic.
Harry walked to the sink and hissed for it to open. When the pipe appeared, Harry took a deep breath and jumped.
The ride down was still as aggressive as it had been the last time. He wondered how Salazar Slytherin had gotten into the chamber. He doubted the man jumped into a hole in the girls' loo.
Harry stumbled as he was dumped out on the bed of small animal bones. He tried not to pay any mind to the crunching sounds under his feet. When he reached the part of the tunnel that had collapsed, he waved his hand and repaired it.
He shivered, remembering being stuck alone on the other side of the cave in.
When he reached the main chamber, he felt a chill. The basilisk was still there in nearly perfect condition. Harry wondered if the cool temperature in the chamber had slowed the decay, or if it was something specific to the basilisk.
His legs shook slightly as he passed the place where he and Ginny had nearly died. He swallowed hard and approached the enormous body.
With a shaking hand he reached into the beasts' mouth and gripped one of its long fangs, being careful to not scratch himself, he pulled it out. He stepped away with the fang in his hand. It felt light compared to the weight of what it could do.
Harry took a few more steps away and kneeled on the ground. He set the fang on the ground and retrieved his bag from his pocket.
Once he had the box out, he waved his hand and unlocked it. He levitated the first item from the box. He set the cup in front of him. The aura around it felt putrid. There was a sick feeling in his chest as he looked at it. He raised the fang above his head and slammed it into the cup. Black greasy smoke poured from it. It shook and shrieked. His scar felt like it was being carved open.
Harry cried out as he collapsed to the floor panting.
The air cleared and as he looked at the cup, he could see that Voldemort's magic was gone. Whatever these things were they were the darkest, most vile magic he had ever seen. But clearly, stabbing them was going to destroy whatever it was.
This confirmed that they were like the diary.
With a deep breath he righted himself and retrieved the tiara. Like the cup the medal glittered strangely as if the item itself was being affected by the magic. He swallowed and swung the fang down into the blue gem in the front. A horrid face appeared in the smoke this time screaming in agony. Harry's head throbbed again and this time he felt a wet trickle on his forehead.
He dropped the fang and raised his hand to touch his scar. When he pulled his hand away it was covered in blood. He sucked in a deep breath.
The smoke dissipated again. His hands shook as he raised the locket and set it on the ground next to the cup and the tiara. His whole body was shaking in pain and fear as he examined the locket.
"Open," He hissed in parseltongue.
Harry was shoved back by the black smoke this time. This time he heard voices he recognized. His friends telling him how worthless he was. Remus and Sirius telling him that he wasn't like his father, and no one would ever want him. Snape telling him that it had all been a lie and that he was going to tell everyone his secrets. That he was weak and pathetic.
Harry felt tears run down his face.
Then he heard the twins telling him that he was a burden. Harry felt anger well in his chest.
He took another deep breath. It was lying. It was just projecting his own fears back at him. He raised the fang and slammed it down in the middle of the locket. A force threw him back and he landed hard on the ground. His eyes closed to the pain. He welcomed the darkness that surrounded him and pulled him under into the bliss of unconsciousness.
Sirius and Remus wove through the isles in the library looking for Harry. Snape had sent a Patronus an hour ago saying that they were done with their lesson and that Harry would meet them in the library. They hadn't seen him on the walk here and he certainly wasn't in the library.
"Where is he?" Sirius whined.
He had been terrified last night. He and Remus had even fought about just taking him home with them. Remus had been more concerned about how the Death Eaters had gotten past the wards. He was worried if they took him home, they may be putting Harry at risk.
"I don't know." Remus said shaking his head in frustration.
Remus wouldn't admit it, but he was afraid too. It was becoming increasingly evident that something else was going on with Harry. Not that he didn't have a right to be hurt or upset or confused. It was more that his behavior seemed more erratic.
Remus conjured his patronus and sent it to Severus.
Sirius popped into Padfoot and started searching again. There was nothing. His scent wasn't here.
"He hasn't been here." Sirius said as he popped back into human form.
They made their way back to the hallway outside the library. A few moments later Snape and Malfoy came down the staircase.
"What do you mean he's not here?" Snape asked.
"Just what I said. We've been here about twenty minutes. He hasn't been here." Remus explained.
Snape sighed and ran his hand through his hair before turning to Malfoy.
"Do you know where he went?" Snape asked.
Malfoy shook his head.
"No. He didn't say anything." Malfoy answered.
Sirius groaned. He didn't know how much more of this he could take. He tried to remind himself that every time Harry disappeared, he returned but that was somehow not comforting.
"Perhaps he stopped to speak with Minerva or Albus." Remus suggested.
Severus sighed and nodded.
"Possibly. I'll see if the headmaster has seen him. Why don't you two go see Minerva." Snape suggested.
They nodded.
"Was Harry upset?" Sirius asked.
Snape shook his head.
"No, we all talked this morning. He seemed understanding of the punishment. Our lesson went well. I told him you wanted to meet in the library, and he said he had research to do. He seemed fine." Snape explained.
Sirius nodded. He supposed that was something. Perhaps he'd gone outside for some fresh air.
The split up and went looking for Harry.
Harry groaned as he woke up. His head was pounding. He reached up and pushed his palm against his throbbing scar. His forehead was sticky with blood. He pushed himself up to sitting and looked around.
He shivered in the cold dampness of the chamber. Pushing himself up, he stood and walked over to the fang and the destroyed items. He felt relief wash over him. The magic was gone. They were just plain objects now. The sickness he felt every time he saw them was gone.
He breathed deeply as he picked them up and packed them back into the box. He debated taking the fang too. What if he found more of these things? With a sigh he took the books out and put them at the bottom of his trunk and put the fang in the box with the objects. He didn't want to risk a scratch getting the books out. With a sigh of relief he locked the box again and put everything away. He took out his broom and resized it.
When he reached the bottom of the pipe, he mounted his broom and flew back up and into the bathroom. He closed the entrance and caught his reflection in the mirror. Remembering that Voldemort's magic was still in his head was sickening.
He looked away quickly and turned on the tap. With his hands cupped under the water, he washed the grime and blood from his face. Then he cast a cleaning charm over his clothing. He still smelled and felt like he could use a very long shower.
"Up to mischief again?" Myrtle asked from somewhere behind him.
Harry turned and gave her a half smile.
"No, just came to see you." Harry said.
"You're making fun of me." Myrtle cried.
Harry mentally rolled his eyes. He actually liked Myrtle, but she was a little too dramatic.
"Of course not. I'll visit again soon. I promise. Can you not mention that you saw me though?" Harry asked softly.
"Who would I even tell. No one ever talks to me." Myrtle wailed.
"I'll come talk to you." Harry promised.
The ghostly girl twirled a little and smiled at him before floating away and splashing loudly into the toilet.
Harry shook his head before walking out of the bathroom.
The halls were much darker then they had been when he'd gone down. He had no idea how long he'd been passed out down there. Hopefully , it hadn't been too long.
With a sigh he headed to the library. He doubted that Sirius and Remus were still there, but it was a start. If he didn't find them, he would head back upstairs to the practice room.
As he walked his head throbbed painfully and he grasped his head.
He moaned pitifully.
With a sigh he changed his direction and headed to the Hospital wing.
Poppy sighed as she walked back to the hospital wing. She had stayed the day to get some work done now that everyone at the safe house was stable. Severus had shown up hours ago asking if she had seen Harry. She hadn't and agreed to help them look.
When the boy hadn't been located by dinnertime Severus had returned home to make sure Harry hadn't just left. She had joined the rest of the staff in the great hall for dinner.
She was rather worried about Harry as was the rest of the staff who had spent the day looking for him.
She pushed open the door and was surprised to find Harry sitting on the end of a bed with his head in his hand.
"Harry." Poppy called as she rushed to his side.
Harry only groaned in pain.
"What's wrong?" Poppy asked as she pulled her wand and waved it over him.
"My head. Please. It hurts." Harry whined.
Poppy was taken aback by the tone.
Harry had been in the hospital wing plenty over the years. She had never heard him beg or cry. Even earlier this summer when he'd come in, covered in infected road rash.
"Okay. It's okay." Poppy said pulling a pain potion from her pocket and holding it out to him.
Harry took it with one hand and kept the other tight to his head.
She pulled the parchment out of the air and stared at it. She frowned. Harry had a concussion.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Poppy asked in concern.
She knew they'd had dueling practice today. Had he hit his head at some point?
"Had a pain in my head and I fainted." Harry said.
Poppy frowned again.
She waved her wand and summoned her patronus. The dove hung in the air for a moment.
"I have Harry in the hospital wing. Go to Albus." Poppy instructed.
"Why don't you lay back and rest." Poppy said softly.
Harry listened and curled up tightly on his side.
Once he was laying down, she walked quickly to her office to call Severus.
Severus paced back and forth in his sitting room. He'd come home and searched the house. There was no sign of him. Draco had walked to town to look for him and hadn't seen him anywhere.
Draco walked back into the sitting room and sat on the couch.
"You're sure he didn't say anything to you? You didn't say something or do something to upset him?" Severus asked again for probably the tenth time.
Draco rolled his eyes.
"Don't roll your eyes at me. You haven't exactly been kind to him since he has been here." Severus growled.
"Why don't you call the twins? He ran to them last time." Draco snapped.
Severus sighed and rubbed his face. He did not want to contact more people. It was the reason he had sent Draco to town to look for Harry verses going himself. He didn't want to whip everyone into a panic again for what felt like the twelfth time this summer.
He thought he had made it clear this morning that Harry needed to stop running off. Last night had been wildly dangerous. Now though, he didn't know what had happened. Was Harry upset and would return when he calmed down? Had he had another vision and run into battle again? Or was he just playing hooky and took his broom for a fly? Severus had no idea.
"I'm sure he'll show back up Sev." Draco said.
Severus sighed. He hoped the boy was right.
Suddenly the floo flared.
"Severus." Poppy called.
Severus stood from his chair and kneeled in front of the fireplace.
"What is it?" Severus asked.
"I found Harry. He's here in the hospital wing." Poppy said.
Severus sighed.
"I'll be right through." Severus said standing up.
"Draco, please remain here. I should be back shortly."
Draco nodded and sat back on the couch.
Severus stepped through the floo into Poppy's office.
"Is he alright?" Severus asked.
Poppy sighed.
"He has a concussion. He said he had some head pain and passed out. Did he get hit in the head during your lesson today?" Poppy asked.
Dread filled Severus as he tried to remember the lesson. Had Harry been hurt when he left?
The boys had put a lot of effort into their practice today. Severus suspected being in battle last night had spurred on their dedication. He didn't think either of them had been hurt though. He knew Harry wasn't the best about admitting when he was hurt but he didn't think he'd hit his head. Certainly not that hard.
"I don't think so. He seemed all right when he left." Severus said.
Poppy nodded.
"I've given him a pain potion. I'll get him a potion to help the concussion heal. He really needs to avoid hitting his head again, Severus. He has permanent damage from previous head trauma." Poppy said as she gathered a bottle of potions from the cabinet in her office.
"I'm aware." Severus said with a sigh.
Severus followed Poppy out into the ward. His brow furrowed in concern when he saw Harry balled up on the bed. He must be in a considerable amount of pain to be laying.
"Harry, I need you to drink this. It'll make you feel better." Poppy said softly.
Harry pulled his hands away from his face and pushed himself up. He kept his eyes down. His head tipped back as he took the potion. As his hair fell away from his face Severus noticed that his lightning bolt scar was bright red and even had a little blood oozing from it.
"Harry does your scar hurt?" Severus asked.
Harry nodded but kept his head down.
"Did you have a vision?" Severus asked in concern.
Harry shook his head.
"No, it just hurts. It used to hurt all the time. It's fine." Harry mumbled.
Severus ran his hand through his hair as he tried to think.
"Harry, did you put your wall back up?" Severus asked.
Even with his head down, Severus could see the blush blooming on the boy's cheeks.
"Harry, we talked about that." Severus said in exasperation.
Harry shrugged.
"It went back up, so I thought it was fine." Harry said softly.
Severus groaned.
"You might be able to walk on a sprained ankle. That doesn't mean it's healed." Severus said.
Harry finally looked up.
"It's never mattered if it was healed or not. If I could walk on it, it was healed enough." Harry said, his eyes hard.
Severus' lips pinched tight. He knew the boy was right. He'd never been given the option to heal. He'd been raised with an extreme version of walk it off.
Severus nodded.
"I know. You don't have to do that anymore though." Severus said softly.
Harry shrugged.
"How's your head feeling now?" Poppy asked.
"It's better. Thank you, ma'am." Harry answered.
The hospital wing doors flew open and Lupin and Black rushed in. Minerva and Albus following.
Severus heard Harry groan and drop his head into his hands.
"Poppy, would you see if the elves will bring Harry some dinner?" Severus asked.
Poppy nodded and Severus swept away to intercept the group that had just entered the hospital wing. Clearly Harry needed a moment. There was no sense in everyone bombarding him with questions.
"What happened?" Black asked, coming to a stop in front of Severus.
"Harry's fine. He bumped his head, but Poppy is treating that." Severus explained.
There was a general sense of relief.
"I think I will adjourn to my office now that he has been located." Albus said, relief clear on his face.
Minerva nodded and followed him out.
"How did he hit his head?" Lupin asked.
Severus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Apparently, he pulled his wall back up despite our conversation yesterday. He experienced a considerable amount of pain and fainted. Poppy says he has a concussion. I imagine he hit his head when he fell and knocked himself out." Severus explained.
Black looked ready to dart over and comfort Harry. Lupin looked sad. They both knew that the more concerning part of this was that Harry was still heavily occluding. It was a sign of just how poorly he was really doing.
"He's okay otherwise?" Remus asked.
Severus nodded.
"Poppy is getting him something to eat. I need to run to my office. could you sit with him for a while." Severus asked.
They both nodded.
Severus walked back to Harry and was pleased to see that the house elves had brought him dinner. Though it looked like Harry was mostly pushing it around.
"I'll be back shortly. Please eat your dinner. Then we can go home." Severus said.
Harry nodded but continued to push his food around.
Severus sighed before nodding to Black and Lupin and heading out of the Hospital wing.
Remus sighed as he pulled up a chair next to Harry's bed. Sirius grabbed a chair and pulled it up next to him. Remus smirked as Sirius sat in the chair backwards and folded his arms over the back. Remus wasn't sure Sirius ever grew up past about sixteen.
"How are you doing, pup?" Sirius asked.
Remus turned his head to look at Harry.
Harry shrugged.
"Better." Harry said softly.
He looked exhausted. Like all the energy had just been sucked out of him. He knew Harry had had several exceptionally long days.
"We were worried about you. Where were you?" Sirius asked.
Harry's shoulders slumped. Remus wanted to admonish Sirius for putting their concern on Harry.
"I'm sorry. I don't know. The second floor I think." Harry mumbled.
Remus noticed Harry had hardly touched his food.
"You should eat some more." Remus said softly.
Harry shook his head.
"I can't." Harry mumbled.
Remus gave him a reassuring smile. Harry's food issues were high on his list of things to address with Harry. He wouldn't push the subject tonight.
"That's okay." Remus said.
"Snape said you guys wanted to talk to me. Sorry I never made it to the library." Harry said.
Remus nodded. They had wanted to check in on him after what had happened last night. They had also discussed broaching the subject of a sex talk. Remus knew that most teens found that conversation uncomfortable or embarrassing. However, with Harry's abuse history it could be triggering, and he didn't want to push Harry's boundaries.
He wasn't sure about pursuing that tonight now though. Although he was sure that was why Snape was giving them time. He understood Severus' concerns. It certainly needed to be addressed but he wasn't sure if now was the right time.
"How have the transformations been going? Were you able to shift tonight?" Harry asked.
Remus smiled. Harry was such a kind and considerate person.
"They have been going well. Sirius and I ran around the grounds earlier. Sirius thought we might find you out there." Remus said with a soft chuckle.
"Well, I used to play hooky as Padfoot all the time. I'd just go for a walk in the woods." Sirius defended himself with a cheeky smile.
Harry laughed softly.
"Really?" Harry asked, relaxing back on his bed.
Sirius nodded.
"I skipped like a week's worth of Transfiguration once. Minnie was not happy with me. But I'd just broken up with this Ravenclaw who was pretty mad at me." Sirius answered.
Remus rolled his eyes.
Harry smiled.
"How much trouble did you get in?" Harry asked.
Sirius grimaced in memory. Remus chuckled.
"Well…" Sirius said scratching the back of his neck.
"He was in detention for weeks. What was it? Like the whole first part of sixth year?" Remus asked.
Sirius nodded.
"Thankfully, Jamie took me home for Christmas. Minerva had me doing all kinds of stuff." Sirius groaned.
Harry and Remus both laughed.
"Whatever happened with that girl you were seeing last year?" Sirius asked Harry.
Remus could have laughed at the mixed expressions that crossed Harry's face. His cheeks turned red, but he also rolled his eyes and sighed.
Remus glanced over at Sirius. He had clearly decided that the conversation was light enough to start the discussion they had planned. Inquiring about Harry's maybe girlfriend from last year had been there planned segue.
"We weren't really. Well, I don't know. I guess kind of. She…" Harry cut himself off and sighed before bringing a hand to his face and rubbing at it.
"She was Cedric's girlfriend. I think she was trying to work through some stuff." Harry said with another sigh before he looked out across the hospital wing at the long windows.
Remus felt his heart clench. That was not a good recipe for a first relationship. He was sure Harry was hurt knowing that she wasn't really interested in him.
"Cedric's death wasn't your fault, Harry." Remus said softly.
Harry just shrugged.
Remus looked over to Sirius and met his eye. They had talked about this quite a bit. Harry carried far too much guilt around with him. The letter he'd left at Grimmauld was practically dipped in it.
Harry cleared his throat and looked back at Remus.
"I feel like we got derailed. What was it you guys wanted to talk about? Not my bad date." Harry said with a forced laugh.
Remus could see ghosts in Harry's eyes. It was so painfully obvious how poorly Harry was really doing. He didn't know if that would change once Harry was with them but if nothing else, Remus planned to start some mind healing with Harry. Hopefully, they could make some progress before he went back to school in the fall.
"That actually is what we wanted to talk about." Sirius said bluntly.
Harry's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. He looked between Sirius and Remus for answers.
"Why?" Harry asked in bewilderment.
Remus took a deep breath and folded his hands in his lap. He wasn't adverse to having this conversation. He'd never found sex to be a taboo topic. His parents had been very open and clear with him. However, there were two very large hurtles Remus was not looking forward to in this discussion. One is that Harry might shut down any discussion. And secondly that they were hoping to gently bring up the subject of sexuality. Which could be just as touchy of a subject.
They'd love Harry regardless of who he was or wasn't attracted to, but with him coming from a muggle home they needed to make sure that Harry wasn't harboring feelings that would need to be addressed regarding their own relationship. Especially with Harry coming to live with them.
Harry had seemed horribly uncomfortable when he'd asked about their wedding, but Remus wasn't sure if that was because he'd already been stressed and upset or if the subject itself was upsetting to him.
"Part of our jobs as your parents is to see to your wellbeing, a big part of it to be honest. We haven't done a great job of that so far and I'm sorry about that. You're wellbeing in just about every aspect has been ignored and we would like to start correcting that." Remus began.
Harry's brows creased again, and he looked utterly lost.
Remus sighed and continued.
"You're wellbeing comes in a lot of forms. Making sure that you have a safe place to live, food to eat, clothing to wear." Remus said.
"I've always had those things." Harry interrupted.
Remus gave Harry a sad look and shook his head.
"Simply having a roof over your head did not make it a safe place to live, you know that, Harry. Your health is a clear statement to the lack of food you've had, and while I'm sure Petunia supplied you with clothing, they weren't appropriate." Remus said with a slight firmness to his tone.
Remus was worried that Harry would start trying to downplay what he'd been through, now that everything had come out. He wanted to help Harry move past that but being dismissive about the life he'd had wasn't going to help him heal.
Harry shrugged.
"You're wellbeing goes beyond that as well. It's making sure you are physically and emotionally well also. Making sure you regularly see a healer, and a mind healer when it is necessary. It's also important that you are well informed about how to take care of yourself. Mostly it's small things. Making sure you're getting enough sleep and water. Showering regularly, brushing your teeth, and getting some fresh air and exercise. Your growing up and as we get older our bodies start changing."
Harry laughed.
"I'm nearly sixteen, I think it's a little late to tell me I need to wear deodorant and that I'll start growing hair. I think I've figured that out on my own." Harry said with a half-smile.
Remus flashed him a sad smile.
"If you'd had proper guardian's, you wouldn't have needed to figure that out on your own. They would have had a conversation with you about it. That conversation would have also included how to go about having safe and healthy relationships." Remus said.
Remus heart broke as all the light left Harry's eyes and his face went pale in realization.
Harry's eyes briefly looked at Sirius before locking somewhere else in the distance.
"Harry." Remus called softly.
Harry looked back at Remus briefly before looking down at the bed.
"Well, I'm hardly a virgin, am I? You guys don't need to do this." Harry bit out between clenched teeth.
Remus sighed.
"Harry what that man did to you isn't the same. What was done to you wasn't safe or consensual." Remus said firmly.
Harry's head shot up and he glared hard at Remus.
"Snape told you?" Harry whispered.
Remus swallowed and nodded.
Harry looked away shaking his head. Remus could see the anxiety stiffening Harry's muscles and causing a slight tremor in his body.
He wished he could reach out and comfort his son but knew it would not be welcome. Especially now.
"He needed to tell us Harry. Whoever he is, is still out there. Your safety is our top priority. We need to know if someone threatens that.
Harry just clenched his jaw and shook his head.
"We'd like to have a conversation with you about how to have a safe and consensual relationship. It won't be like what happened to you Harry. I can promise you that. If you choose to be with someone it won't hurt and it won't make you feel bad. I want you to have that experience if it's something you want. But I want you to be informed on how to do that." Remus said softly.
Harry sighed but said nothing.
"I have some books and pamphlets, both muggle and Wixen. You can take them with you. Look them over and we can check in later and see if you have any questions." Remus said.
Harry still looked shaky, but he nodded.
Remus nodded and reached into his pocket. He'd gone into muggle London earlier today. He had sought out books and information that he thought would be useful for Harry. He had predicted this kind of closing down and hoped that if Harry was given the information, he would inform himself.
He resized the books and set them on his lap. He'd gotten some general ones that cover personal health as well as some that were more specific.
"Can you tell me if your attracted to men or women? Some of these books are more specifically directed to different kinds of relationships.
Harry shot him an alarmed look then blushed deeply before glancing at Sirius again. Remus wondered if Harry would have been more comfortable just having this conversation with Sirius. He seemed to be looking to him for support.
Remus wondered if Sirius realized that was what was happening.
"It's okay either way, pup." Sirius said reassuringly.
Harry shook his head and buried his face in his knees.
Remus sighed. This was certainly going to be a problem.
Remus noticed Sirius hand move in his line of sight and turned to look at him. Sirius nodded over his shoulder towards the door. Remus looked back at Harry and nodded. He hadn't meant to make Harry feel ganged up on but perhaps that was part of the problem.
Remus nodded and stood. He set the books in his empty chair and gave Sirius and encouraging pat on the shoulder before he left the hospital.
Sirius rolled his shoulders back and took a deep breath. He knew Remus was probably better at this, but Harry was struggling, and Remus' long-winded explanations were causing Harry to shut down.
"Harry." Sirius called.
Harry didn't raise his head but he did roll it to the side so he could see Sirius. He worryingly glanced at the chair Remus had been in and them back to Sirius.
"He just stepped out for a few minutes." Sirius said.
"Can you tell me how you're feeling? I know this is all a lot. This whole summer has been a mess. Yesterday was stressful and today you're hurt again. I'm sorry that we brought this up today. Remy's been talking about all the things we missed not raising you. I think he just felt like we needed to do something. We're worried about you. I know this isn't a fun conversation. If it makes you feel better Remus is the one who gave it to me too." Sirius laughed, thinking back to their third year. He'd gotten his first girlfriend and Remus had gone into apoplexy upon learning that Sirius' parents hadn't informed him of anything.
"Really?" Harry asked softly.
Sirius nodded and grinned.
"He found out that purebloods don't really tell their kids anything. Something about propriety. He went on a whole tirade. We were all up in the dorm. He was the only half-blood in a room full of pure-bloods. He sat us all down and went into full teacher mode." Sirius laughed.
"We all walked out of that room blushing and trying painfully not to laugh. None of us could even look at each other for a week without blushing or getting the giggles. Think we all ended up in trouble for being a disturbance." Sirius said with a shake of his head and a broad smile.
"But we knew what we needed to know." Sirius said in a more serious tone.
Harry sighed and looked away for a moment.
"Remus is a little worried that since you were raised by muggles your view might be a little warped. Can I ask you something?" Sirius asked.
Harry nodded.
"Do you have a problem with Remus and I being together?" Sirius asked.
He watched Harry for any kind of reaction.
Harry sat up fully and he shifted into a cross-legged sit and shook his head.
"Of course not. I think it's brilliant you have each other. I feel silly that I didn't realize it earlier. I guess I can be a little oblivious." Harry said with a shrug.
Sirius smiled.
"I've been known to be a little oblivious from time to time. Maybe you get it from me." Sirius joked softly.
Harry looked away and Sirius brows creased.
"Do you have a problem with Remus and I being your parents?" Sirius asked softly.
They sat quietly for a while. Sirius felt like his heart was being ripped apart. He loved Harry and he didn't want to be rejected.
Harry finally sighed.
"I don't know." Harry said, turning and meeting his eyes. There were tears in Harry's eyes and Sirius wished he could take them away.
"I've always been alone. I've always been an orphan. I knew my parents were dead before I knew my own name." Harry said with a sigh.
"I longed for years that someone would come and take me away. That my relatives were wrong, and my parents were out there. I used to look at strangers on the street to see if I could see myself in them." Harry said before swallowing thickly.
"I gave up on that a long time ago. I've hurt myself to many times thinking things were going to change. Having known you both for the last couple of years has been wonderful. Like I have people who might care. Even a little bit. But finding out that you're my parents. Finding out that I could have had a different life. Not the one I always dreamed of with my parents. But it is that. Because you are my parents. Just not the ones I knew about." Harry choaked out.
A single tear fell down Harry's cheek and he angerly wiped it away.
Sirius took a deep breath to keep himself from crying.
"I always felt abandoned by my parents. My aunt lied about how they died, and I used to get so angry thinking about it. That they had chosen to drink and do drugs over care for me. That they had gotten themselves killed despite having a child to care for. When I found out how they actually died that feeling of abandonment changed. I was proud of them. That they could love me so much that they would die for me. I've struggled with the guilt of that. It should have been me." Harry said in a near whisper.
Sirius felt tears run down his cheeks and quickly wiped them away.
"Finding out that you and Remus are my parents brings back all those feelings of abandonment and I just don't know what to do. I really care about you both. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to disappoint you, even though I feel like I constantly do. I don't know, I guess maybe I feel like if you could leave me once that if I mess up, you'll leave me again." Harry said, his voice shaking with suppressed tears.
"I'm so sorry Harry. We never meant to leave you. I know it will take time for us to prove it, but we won't leave you again." Sirius said softly.
Harry just shrugged and wiped away another stray tear.
"You're feelings matter in all of this." Sirius said.
Harry sighed.
"My feelings have never mattered in any of this." Harry said, an edge of anger creeping into his voice.
Sirius nodded. He knew Harry had had extraordinarily little say in his life. He would need to talk to Remus about that. See what they could do to make sure Harry felt like he had a say when he came to live with them.
"I'm just so tired. I don't want to feel like this anymore, Siri." Harry said brokenly.
He looked at Sirius so pleadingly. Like he was begging Sirius to take away all the pain he was feeling. Sirius wished he could. He would in a heartbeat. To see Harry like this was completely breaking him.
"I know. I'm sorry Harry." Sirius whispered.
Harry bit his lip and sighed.
Sirius stomach twisted. Harry was dangerously depressed. They needed to get him home. Get him settled and start helping him heal. Sirius knew he was putting a lot of faith in Remus.
"Harry, are you thinking about hurting yourself?" Sirius asked softly.
Harry shook his head.
"No. I won't disappoint you again." Harry said flatly as he stared at the windows.
Sirius shook his head.
"I'm not disappointed Harry." Sirius said calmly.
Harry glanced at him and then away again.
"You took your knife back. You shouldn't have given it to me in the first place." Harry responded.
Sirius sighed and reached into his pocket. He pulled the knife out and set it on the bed in front of Harry.
"I was never going to keep it pup. It's yours." Sirius said firmly.
"What did you do to it?" Harry asked softly, reaching out and running his finger over the side of the handle.
"I put an anti-slip charm on it. It's mostly used for wood carving. Wixen put it on their tools to keep themselves from accidents. It will keep you from hurting yourself with it." Sirius explained.
Harry nodded and picked up the knife before shuffling a little to put it in his pocket.
Sirius picked up the stack of books Remus had left.
"Moony wasn't trying to embarrass you earlier. He only asked so he was giving you the right information." Sirius said as he shuffled the books around a little.
"I told you we all had that conversation back in third year. He asked us too. Didn't share his own feelings on the matter, the prat. Might have saved us some grief." Sirius said as he remembered not knowing weather Remus would be interested in a relationship and James telling him that Remus was definitely gay.
Harry's face had gone bright red again.
"Peter couldn't have been straighter. He always dated girls. Usually younger. We gave him a lot of crap about it. Think he was two intimidated by girls in our own class. Your dad always had eyes for your mom. Think he went on a few dates, but he never really wanted anyone but Lily. Me on the other hand, I dated everyone." Sirius laughed.
Harry shook his head and gave him a little smile.
"Did you always date guys?" Harry asked quietly, like he wasn't sure he should be asking.
Sirius smiled. He was glad Harry was engaging in the conversation.
"Nah, I dated plenty of girls." Sirius said.
Harry's brow creased in thought.
"Is that ok?" Harry asked.
Sirius nodded.
"Of course. Do you like both?" Sirius asked cautiously.
Harry blushed again and looked back at the bed before he shrugged.
"I don't know. Is it okay if I don't know?" Harry all but whispered.
"Yes, it's fine if you don't know." Sirius reassured.
Harry nodded. His shoulders relaxed a little and Sirius smiled.
"Took me a while to figure it out. It's also fine if you never figure it out. We just want you to be safe." Sirius said.
Harry gave Sirius a half smile and nodded.
"Thanks." Harry said softly.
"Of course." Sirius said firmly.
"Though I'd suggest for your next kiss, let it be with someone not trying to get over someone else. Those can be messy." Sirius joked.
Harry's cheeks grew pink, and he had a slight smile.
Sirius raised an eyebrow. This was a different blush. Perhaps Snape was on to something.
"Have you kiss someone else since?" Sirius asked.
Harry hands twisted and he looked away.
"Who?" Sirius asked curiously.
Harry shook his head.
"I'm not supposed to tell." Harry said softly.
Sirius stomach twisted. He didn't like that. It would have been fine if Harry wanted to keep it private but why was someone else telling him he couldn't tell?
Sirius bounced his knee and wished Remus would come back now. He was better at this kind of stuff. Had Harry ended up in a relationship in the village that Snape wasn't aware of? Sirius worried about Harry being abused again.
He bit his tongue in thought for a moment before he spoke.
"Harry, no one should be telling you what you can and can't share about a relationship. That's one of those safety things. Is someone making you do something?" Sirius asked.
Harry's eyes widened and he shook his head.
"No, it's not like that. They just don't want it getting around." Harry said.
Sirius wasn't sure to make make of that. Hiding a potential abuser behind anonymity was how it felt. Though Malfoy was a Slytherin, perhaps the prat was just worried about his reputation.
"Was it Malfoy?" Sirius asked.
Harry got an even more bewildered look on his face.
"What? No, have you lost your mind?" Harry squawked in indignation.
Learning that it wasn't Malfoy actually didn't settle his concern at all.
"Harry, I don't want someone making you feel unsafe." Sirius said firmly.
Harry shook his head.
"Really Sirius it wasn't anything like that. I promise." Harry said.
Sirius sighed.
"Can I ask a few questions? Just to settle my own worry." Sirius asked.
Harry shrugged. His shoulders were tight again and Sirius could see that he was tense.
"Was this person your age?" Sirius asked.
Harry shook his head.
"Were they older?" Sirius asked.
Harry nodded.
Sirius sighed.
"Were you sober?" Sirius asked, remembering the bottle they'd found in Harry's stuff.
Harry blushed and shook his head.
Sirius hand squeezed together tighter. He did not like the answers he was getting.
"Was this a man, or a woman?" Sirius asked.
Harry fiddled with his hands for a minute.
"Man." Harry finally said softly. The blush on his face getting darker.
Sirius logged that away for later. Harry might not have a problem with him and Remus being together. However, despite this conversation and his attempt to reassure Harry, he was definitely not comfortable with it when it came to himself. Sirius wasn't sure how that worked but he would mention it to Remus.
"That's okay." Sirius tried to reassure. He might be trying to dig up information and perhaps the situation wasn't okay. He still didn't know. However, He didn't want Harry to take his questioning as anything other than looking into his safety.
Did you do anything other than kiss?" Sirius asked.
Harry shrugged.
"He gave me a hug." Harry said.
Sirius wasn't sure if Harry was lying or not, he hoped he wasn't.
"It's okay to tell me Harry. I'm not here to judge you. I just want to make sure you're okay." Sirius said.
Harry huffed.
"I'm fine. All right?" Harry growled before giving Sirius a hard look.
Sirius raised an eyebrow at the sudden outburst. He decided he would try a little shock as well. Perhaps he could stir Harry into saying more.
"Did you sleep with him?" Sirius asked.
Harry blushed and looked away.
Sirius was a little surprised. Perhaps Harry had slept with this mystery person after all. He hadn't actually though Harry had, he had just been trying to get Harry to react. Sirius took a deep breath and waited for Harry to answer. A blush was suggestive, but it wasn't an answer.
A moment later Harry's jaw clenched, and he looked back at Sirius.
"Listen, I trust him. Can that just be enough for you? Nothing's happening. I'm not dating anyone. Okay? Just please drop it. Haven't you all dug around enough in my personal life? It's bad enough that I thought I could trust Snape not to turn around and tell you everything I say. How much else did he tell you? Did he tell you about what he learned when we went back to Surrey? Did he tell you how fucked up I look under this glamour? Just leave it alone. Okay? I had a private moment and me and the other person would rather not be the subject of gossip." Harry shouted.
Sirius sat back in his seat. That hadn't been the blow up he'd been expecting.
"Harry, Snape told us to help keep you safe." Sirius said.
Harry's jaw clenched.
"He promised he wouldn't tell anyone the things I told him. That if it was for my safety he would tell me first before he told anyone." Harry said between gritted teeth.
"No one has ever bothered to try and keep me safe. Don't worry about it now." Harry growled.
Sirius felt like he'd been punched.
"I'm sorry Harry. But I do care. You're not going to push me away. I will do everything in my power to keep you safe." Sirius said honestly.
Harry sighed and buried his face in his hands.
Sirius watched as Harry's shoulder started to shake. He knew Harry was crying. Sirius fingers twitched to reach out to him. With a sigh he did. His hand landed on Harry's arm. Harry flinched a little but didn't pull away. Sirius let his thumb rub a gentle pattern on his arm.
"It's okay." Sirius said softly.
Harry shook his head and raised it.
"I'm sorry for yelling." Harry said softly.
Sirius shrugged.
"I've done worse. It's okay." Sirius reassured, giving Harry's arm a little squeeze before dropping his hand.
Harry's eyes flicked over his head. He raised his hand and wiped his face roughly. He shook his head.
"Remus or Snape is at the door. I'm fine." Harry said.
Harry's face got a little blank before he grabbed his head.
"Harry you can't raise your shields. You're hurting yourself." Sirius said, gently pulling Harry's hand away from his head.
Harry pulled his hand away from Sirius and sighed.
"Sorry pup." Sirius said.
Harry shrugged.
Sirius looked down at the books in his lap. Remus had really been on a mission today. Sirius hadn't been able to narrow down what might be useful to Harry.
"Here." Sirius said setting the whole stack on the bed.
Harry's eyes read the cover of the first book and a blush returned to his face. His eyes shot to the door again and he quickly waved his hand over the books and shrunk them before climbing off the bed and shoving them in his pocket.
Sirius stood and looked over his shoulder as the door swung open. Remus and Snape walked in. Both had practiced neutral looks on their faces.
"Are you ready to leave?" Snape asked as he got to the bed.
"Yes, sir." Harry said.
Snape nodded.
"Very well. I'd like to have a private word with Lupin and Black. I'd appreciate it if you could go ahead. You should be able to use the floo in Poppy's office. Let her know your leaving." Snape said.
Harry's jaw tensed as did his shoulders. Sirius was sure he was worried they were about to talk about him more. Which was probably true.
Harry nodded and without another glance at any of them turned and marched off to the office.
Severus sighed as he settled into bed. Black had informed him that they'd given Harry the information that he needed, but also that Harry was possibly in a relationship with an older man. Black didn't know any details at all. Not even if older meant, a few months or few years. Apparently, Harry had blown up on him when he'd pushed. Which wasn't a great sign.
Black and Lupin had both informed him that Harry was rather upset with Severus himself after learning that he'd shared some information with them.
He'd truly not meant to betray Harry's trust. He'd forgotten he'd agreed to talk to Harry first. He had told Harry that he would have to share if it had to do with his safety, which this very clearly was.
Severus rolled on to his side. The boys would be on restriction tomorrow. He planned to keep them busy working on the house. There wasn't much left to do, but a few spots could use a lot of work.
With a sigh he closed his eyes and hoped tomorrow would go smoothly. He didn't know if he could handle much more drama.