pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq

I woke up haphazardly. It took me a minute to get my bearings. I was in my own bed, the big one at our home. It must have been midday by the yellow light trickling through the large windows. I was dazed as though I were in a dream and I couldn't think straight. I was just in a pair of boxers. I stumbled my way to my wardrobe in my closet.

I woke up haphazardly. I struggled for a minute as though I couldn't see much further than my nose. Everything got so blurry just after that. I crawled out of bed with a little roll. I was staring at the dark brown carpet as I walked into my closet to get dressed.

I woke up haphazardly. I slumped back into my bed. My Mother had me and I wasn't sure how to fight it. She did something like this to me once before. I tried to focus my eyes. I got on all fours out of my sheets and tried making my way to the door with the lightswitch. I barely got there before I was hit with the sensation of-

I woke up haphazardly. It wasn't a pleasant experience. I just laid there for a moment. I was so completely helpless. I probably wasn't really awake and I was still in a dream. If I made a break for it would I get very far or would I be struck again? I still couldn't focus my eyes. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't smell anything. I barely felt like I had a body. I sat up in a daze.

I wasn't immediately struck down by the sensation of waking up again. I waited in silence. I swallowed. My mouth and throat were dry. I felt like it was made of sandpaper as my tongue lulled. Still I waited despite my thirst. I just sat my back against the headboard of the bed.

I heard a small noise and turned my head towards the door. Weiss was leaning there. Her face was painted with concern and her lips were drawn tight. She turned her head to the side but didn't look away from me with her eyes.

"Ruby!" She called. "He's awake!"

"Am I?" I wondered. My voice sounded tight and in need of moisture. Still I didn't move. The vertigo of waking up over and over again hadn't really passed and most people would probably consider it torture if they were ever forced to endure it. I hadn't endured many cycles and it had quickly become an odd agony that was somehow dull and piercing.

"You are… why?"

"I'm not sure I am. I just woke up four times in a row. Mother did something similar to me once before. How do I know I'm awake?" I croaked out.

"You mean Salem…" Weiss corrected. "How can I prove it to you?"

Ruby appeared next to her. The crimsonette rushed me and tackled me into the bed with a hug and a little sob. "Cloud!"

I groaned. Mother would never send me such a pleasant experience… unless it was just to take it away. Ruby didn't vanish or die or something awful. She just buried her face in my chest. It was wet. She was crying.

"You didn't wake up for days and days… we called your psychiatrist and told her what all you took and she brought up the possibility of a coma and death and gods only know what else. But you're up. You're awake! I was so scared…"

"Ruby…" I managed. "I'm so sorry…"

"You should be. Trying to kill yourself like that."

"I'm so sorry I hurt you. I don't know how to look at you. How can you stand me."

"We heard you start talking. You weren't yourself."

"You just laid there… You didn't fight back at all…"

"I knew you could do it…"

"How?" I demanded. "How could you possibly know that?"

Weiss vanished from the doorway. I still could hardly think straight. I just laid back and let Ruby hold me.

"You butt. I knew you'd pull through. I knew it wasn't you. Come on. How obvious does she have to be? You know?"

"I don't… she can be subtle. Like right now… am I awake right now? Am I actually holding you in my arms again after I attacked you? Is this real? Are you real? How did you know?"

"A girl just knows Cloud," Weiss reappeared with a glass of water. She held it out to me. I took it and drank slowly. "Nobody blames you but yourself. And the lengths you would go to about it surprised even me. I didn't think you would try to kill yourself."

"I shouldn't be alive," I moaned. "I should have died."

"You butt."

"Dumb blonde."

"I don't get how you two can trust me or let it go that easily. Hold it against me. I'm begging you. Hold me accountable. Somebody has to be held accountable."

"We hold Salem accountable," Weiss folded her arms.

"You should have seen your face… it was horrible," Ruby mumbled.

"My face!" I gasped. "You were the one being strangled!"

"But you were all… your cheeks were twitching. You were fighting. And you just sort of woke up into yourself and the look of horror was just so awful. And then you tried to kill yourself. It was all so horrible. You were so distraught. You did-what was it? Ketamine and Vicodin and mixed it with alcohol until you just passed out? We thought you were going to die. We thought you were going to be comatose. What could we even do but wait?"

"What are you two going to do if she takes me again?" I asked. "You have to put me down. You can't let me hurt you. You can't let me get away with it. Please."

"We could never. I told you…" Weiss sat down on the bed beside Ruby and I and set one hand on my thigh and rubbed a small circle into it.

"You'll get through this," Ruby agreed. "You're strong enough. I know you are. I believe in you." She looked up at me. "I believe in you." Her moon-silver eyes floated up at me. I looked away. I let loose a breath I wasn't aware I was holding. I reached up and rubbed my face hard with one hand.

"You can't…" I stuttered out.

"I can. You can do this Cloud. You can build your defenses and keep her out. I know you can." She smiled up at me. "Because I'm not giving you any choice."

You cruel, cruel bitch, Ruby. "You know… in some ways… you're worse than my Mother…"

"Salem," Weiss corrected.

"Salem," I agreed.

"Maybe we are," Weiss sighed. "We took your weapon, we won't let you kill yourself. What a pack of sadists we are."

"You shackle me," I corrected. "You shackle me all the same. You… you're putting me in an awful position. Can't you at least be a little mad at me."

"We are mad. We're mad you tried to kill yourself. You had us worried sick," Weiss shot back. "Gosh, what cruel mistresses do you have who love you?"

"It wasn't you. You very clearly weren't yourself. And you know what? I bet you never let it happen again," Ruby appraised.

I grimaced. Even if she was right I couldn't agree with her. Something had to be done about me. "Tell Blake and Yang what I did to you…"

"No," Weiss countered with a smirk. "It'll just have to be our little secret. You can't tell them."

"They would do something. Take real action. They'd crush me. I need to be crushed and dealt with."

"We don't want that for you," Ruby murmured. "We knew that this could happen and we love you anyways. A part of loving you is acknowledging your flaws."

"My flaws? Is that what we're calling that? Trying to kill you?"

"You slipped up and Salem got into your head one time. And you fought back. And lords only know if your meds are helping or hurting in terms of dealing with this. We knew that this could happen. We know the risks. We accept them. We're adults in this."

"I don't know what to say…"

"'I love you,' would be a good place to start. 'I'll try my best going forward,' would be nice. Oh, yes, and maybe an 'I won't try and kill myself again, Weiss and Ruby. I'm sorry I did that.' Go on. Try any of those."

"Yeah that last one…maybe that last one especially…"

"I should die," I countered. "I'd say I deserve it but it would really be too fucking sweet of a mercy."

Ruby smacked me in the chest with her tiny fist hard. Weiss rolled her eyes.

"Don't say that," Ruby demanded. "Don't even think that."

"I deserve to suffer for what I did to you last night."

"Three days ago."

"For what I did to you three days ago," I corrected. "Really? Three days?"

"Yeah. Three whole days where we sat around and wondered if you were in a coma," Weiss pressed. "You missed work. Luckily you had sick days and I told Glynda the jist of what happened and that you might need longer. You're welcome for that."

"...thank you…" I murmured.

"It was awful. Much longer and we would have moved you to a hospital for something like long term care," Ruby continued. "There was nothing to do but 'wait and see.' They couldn't pump your stomach or do anything like… I don't even know. I have no idea what they do for overdoses. Do they… do they change your blood? Like bleed you and transfuse clean blood into you? I have no idea. But it was too late for that and we just had to 'wait and see.' All day long just 'wait and see.' And Weiss was no help. She was just pacing and muttering about what she was going to do to you when you woke up and if you ever would wake up and she worked herself into a tizzy. You know she does. And I just fed off of that energy all day every day and I couldn't stop myself from amping up and getting worked up as well but there was nothing to do with that energy. You know what I mean? It was just 'wait and see.' And I got so tired of waiting and I'm so glad you're awake."

"I wish I had died," I confessed. "I'm not worth this energy and effort. I'm just straight not."

"You are. You are worth this energy and effort. You goofball."

Weiss laughed and I glanced over at her. She was… she was crying. With rosy cheeks and eyes. She was just crying. "You asshole. Only you would be cruel enough to say something like that so honestly. What would we have done if you died? Think about how bad that would hurt us. We would never recover. And you talk about your death so casually. You fucking asshole. I love you but you are just too much."

"I gotta die…" I pointed out. "I gotta. Stepping around on tiptoes won't change that. I gotta die soon."

"Not this year you don't. Not the next one either and you know what? Maybe not even the one after that," Weiss countered.

"You promised to let me go to my - Salem," I protested but cut it off with the correction.

"We did but we didn't tell you when. Did we? And aren't we so cruel to want so much time with you? What sadistic bitches are we to want as much time as we can get? Aren't we just the worst? You stupid asshole."

"Weiss…" Ruby mumbled.

"No Ruby. He needs to know. Your death will shatter us. We don't need the constant reminders about it. We recall just fine your prognosis. We can't forget it. It bleeds us every day. And you talk about it so easily. It's like you don't care or you have no idea how brutal it will be on us when you do pass. Like we don't know. Our children won't know their father and that's a shame. Because you're a good man. We don't know how much time we have with you and it kills us. We know we'll have to raise our babies without you and that breaks our heart. You don't have to keep repeating it. Maybe we'll never let you go. Maybe you'll have to die with us. Surrounded by loved ones. And won't that be just gods awful for you? Instead of dying to that alien monster you would be with us. Maybe our children will know their fucking father. Maybe that. Cloud. Maybe all of that."

"Weiss… I… I have to face her. I can't hide from her all my life. I just can't. Eventually it has to be me, my Mother, and Crocea Mors. And maybe I ride away from that fight and come back to you. Maybe I do. Maybe our little story doesn't have to end like that. But I do have to face her."

"We want our babies to know their father…" Ruby pleaded. "Is that too much to ask of you? We ask so much of you. We do. We have no idea how awful it really is for you in there." She poked my forehead. "We just don't. We can't get it. No matter how hard we try. And that can be okay too. You can shield us from that. Maybe. I don't know. But is it really too much to ask of you to stay with us until the end? We just want our babies to know your face and smile and how you hold yourself. That's what we want. Can't we have that?"

"I…" I had nothing to finish the end of this sentence with. What could I say to that? I had to confront that monster in the corner. I had to fight it. I had to be the one to cut her head off. I had to butcher her body such that her feet never once again took possession of this Remnant. But…

But I wanted that too. I wanted my children to know me. I wanted that too. I wanted Ruby to have her massive family and for Weiss to have her share of that. I wanted… I wanted to be a good father and a good husband. I did want that. I wanted to tell Ruby 'no' that it wasn't too much. I wanted to tell her 'yes' she could have that. It could be done. I'd grant her any wish.

But I just didn't have the power to do both. No matter how strong I was I couldn't confront Salem and not confront her. I had to pick one. And no matter what I chose it was a losing answer. But I had to choose. I was condemned to my choices and my free will. I had free will, of course I had free will. I had no choice but to have free will. What anguish was this? It was a kind of agony that gave me motion sickness on the bed.

"I'll…" I started. They were both waiting brutally. "I'll do my best to walk away from that fight. But I have to fight her. I have to. I… I wanted to be a hero at Beacon…"

"You are a hero," Ruby protested.

"I haven't done anything… I have literally done nothing."

"You've done so much. Not just for us but for humanity!" Weiss disagreed. "You slayed monsters and murderers and fought the forces of evil. You did your part. No one expects any more from you."

"No one expected this much from me," I countered. "Did you? I mean honestly? Back at Beacon? Did my Mother? Did my father? I should have died. If Pyrrha hadn't saved me I would have. If Ruby hadn't picked my pieces up after Beacon I would have. I shouldn't be alive. If I stop at what people expect from me, then I wouldn't have done anything at all. And I still haven't actually stopped those evil forces. I at best got in their way a little. I have to put my boots on the ground and draw a line in the sand and say 'no. Here. I'll stop you here.' That's what I have to say to Salem. I dreamed of being a hero once and I just didn't know what it would cost. But if I don't play my part and I don't do the dance, then am I anything at all?"

"But what do you have to say to us?" Ruby pleaded.

"I'll do whatever you tell me. I love you both."

"So if I ask you to stay and to be a good father and to be a good husband, then you will?" Ruby pressed unrelentingly.

"I'd put the moon back together if you asked."

"Be a good father. Be a good husband. Stay here," Weiss whispered.

"I can't," I breathed. "I can't let someone else face her in my place. Not me. It's not who I am. You can't love me and expect me to not confront her. You just can't. If you say you do, then you're a liar on one account because that's a contradiction. I have to. Yeah it's not fair. But it's the truth. And I won't lie to you. I can beat her. Therefore I must endeavor. I have no choice. I've always chased the biggest shark I could find and she's the biggest to ever swim. I have to try."

"Asshole," Weiss sobbed.

"Maybe so. But I have my honor."

pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq

-WG