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Forgiving other people is easy. Really it is.

Forgiving yourself, though, that's hard. It is hard. And having people around you who are only upset because you almost died on them rather than your slip up is even harder. I didn't have much choice but to forgive myself and try again harder. By their very nature my mental defenses couldn't be airtight. By their very nature it couldn't be as easy as imagining a wall in my head or a fortress. I had to be on my toes and looking for things which weren't real. But that just begged the question of what was really real at all? I had hallucinations. I had forced delusions. But training yourself to spot that kind of thing wasn't easy. It was hard to prove anything about the universe while you were standing in it and made out of it. And wasn't that a neat trick? Whatever twist of space and time it was that allowed you to be made out of the world?

What was the world? What was me? I defied classification. I would know if I was a demigod. Wouldn't I? Would I know a god if I saw one? Was everything like that? Was everything God? Was I God too?

My chances at winning the war were withering in real time and as it happened I could only watch and ask myself the biggest possible questions. I picked through my life and memories closely for discrepancies. I found many and they made me uncomfortable. Was this a fault in humanity or the meddling of Salem? While standing inside of myself I had no tool with which to measure. I just had to do my best and hope it was enough. And I had to admit it would never be enough. But…

Ruby and Weiss didn't care.

They just didn't.

And I… I wanted them to know that I would fail again. And I wanted them to know what it would cost them. What it could cost them. And they just didn't care at all. Well, they did, they just forgave me for it. Which was kinda of fucked up and a really hard position for them to put me in. But they did it anyway.

They set a date for the wedding.

The vernal equinox so just three short months away. A long time. But not that long really. And there was a great deal to get done and wedding invitations to send and they had to pick out dresses. Ruby's father was walking her down the aisle. The butler who raised Weiss was walking her. And I was going to be waiting for them at the altar. It was a bit ironic that I would wait for them but they really were the ones waiting for me. After Atlas they were waiting for me. And still they had been waiting for me to decide that I wasn't going to be a part of the war anymore. I was going to be a father. And a husband. The best that I could be with all my conditions stacked on top of one another.

I had room in which to fall back for what felt like the first time in my life. I had room to breathe and that made me… what was the opposite of claustrophobic? Whatever it was, the wide open space and room to relax was getting into my own head a little bit.

They set a location for the wedding. Right here in our little homestead. It was going to be a small affair no matter how you sliced it. My whole team who might have shown up was dead. I didn't have any family to call on. I had nobody but Weiss and Ruby. They had a small group of friends and Ruby had some family to invite but that was it.

It was small and secluded and to be honest I preferred it that way. I mean… if they had wanted a big wedding I would have rolled with it. But I liked that it was a small affair.

We found a medication combination that worked for me. No sexual disfunction. A bit of sedation. But a pick me up in the form of some legal amphetamines countered that. It was… it was a combination of pro and antipsychotic medication that just worked to reduce my hallucinations or made me not care anymore. I really wasn't sure which one was actually happening. I knew that I liked the combination. I'm really not sure where I would be on greens still. Probably not as clear headed as this. Possible. But probably not. And sure, I missed it. But I would give up everything if I really had to. And how much of that missing it was just me being bored. And I was sorta bored but in a good way. For the first time in my life the big objective I was working under was relaxation and rest. And crazy, hot, monkey sex with my future wives was totally on the table.

So I had that going for me. Which was nice.

We picked out a location for the honeymoon. Costa Del Sol near Vacuo. A beach paradise with no Grimm and tropics. And I bet even Weiss would tan beautifully. I would say that they would be gorgeous in swim suits and I was looking forward to it, and I was, but I also so them naked on the regular and a swimsuit would have serious competition with absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing looked good on them.

They wanted to start trying for kids on our honeymoon and I couldn't really say no to that.

All my life bitches told me 'you should try melatonin. You should try sleeping pills. You worry too much. You just need to get in bed and relax. If you'd get on a routine. Go to bed earlier and wake up early.' And you know what? Bitches were right.

I also needed a doctor or two managing my brain. Amanda had consultations with a few other doctors and Amy had had to ask a few of her colleagues for advice but it sort of worked. I mean. They gave the usual stupid advice. Like 'don't think about that,' and 'try and relax,' but then they came with therapeutic techniques for relaxation and not worrying about stuff. And I gave it an honest try and it worked? Even on me? With all my issues? What the fresh fuck?

So there was that. Maybe if I tried harder in Atlas. Maybe that was just not a good fit. But maybe I had been the problem all along. Shocker.

Except that didn't really make me feel very good about myself. But maybe there was nothing to be done about that. Maybe I was just the sort of person who didn't get to feel very good about themselves. And that might be fair enough. After the shit I put my loved ones through, maybe I didn't deserve it very much. Why was I so hard on the people I loved? I wanted to die surrounded by the people who loved me. I didn't want to die at my Mother's feet. I would much rather be here with Ruby and Weiss and who could really blame me? And hey, maybe I will walk away from that fight. But it wasn't a sure thing. Staying here with my loved ones was.

"Who's going to be your best man?" Ruby asked me from where she sat at the dining room table. Weiss glanced over curiously. I sighed.

"I don't think I have one. I would have asked Ren but you know… I killed him."

"He's dead," Weiss finished my sentence at the same time. Then she glared at me.

"He can still be your best man…"

"How?" I asked Ruby. "He's gone."

"Well, we could set out arrangements for the people we lost. And you know that Ren would have said 'yes,'" Ruby explained.

"So… all of team JNPR?" I asked.

"If you wanted," Weiss walked over to me and rubbed my back with one hand.

"I… would like that."

"It's just for three people. It isn't a big deal. People set out arrangements for the dead at weddings all the time. And you're allowed to have some people," Weiss explained.

"Yeah… I think that sounds nice. Setting one out for Pyrrha won't be a problem for you two?" I asked.

"No it won't," Ruby denied. "You loved her but I don't think you were in love with her. It isn't a problem with us."

"I would really have liked to ask Ren…" I trailed off.

"You know he would agree. What's the problem with that?" Weiss asked.

"I shouldn't just assume that. You know? It would have been much better to ask him but… well, it's the nature of the beast I suppose. There are a lot of things like that for me. That it would be better to ask about. But I just don't have the power to. Like, for example…"

"Pyrrha?" Weiss supplied.

"Yeah. Pyrrha," I agreed. "But I'm not marrying her. I'm marrying you guys. And I am happy about that. It's just sometimes I catch myself thinking about what almost was."

"We don't blame you for that. Anybody would. Any sane person would think 'what if,'" Ruby agreed.

"Yeah…" I managed. "I like the idea of setting out rosaries or whatever for my team. If it's not too much to ask."

"It isn't," Weiss murmured gently.

"You could ask for so much more and get away with it," Ruby supplied.

"Well, I would ask if Neo could come but I don't really want her to. She's a friend but she's also a gremlin and a reminder of how far I fell once. She… she was the one who first hooked me on greens. And I sort of never got over that."

"I thought you liked your current medications," Ruby wondered.

"I do. But… there's always that temptation. I… I don't really know how to explain it. Sometimes I think of greens and my mouth waters a little. The hunger for it is still there. I like getting high. What can I say besides that?"

"But you won't," Weiss ordered. "You wouldn't dare. After all the hard work that has gone into balancing your brain. You wouldn't dare do that to us and throw yourself out of whack."

"Just-well, don't put it in front of me. Then we should be good."

"You need more self control than that," Weiss disagreed. "You should be able to say 'no' of your own accord or… or you don't get a bachelor party."

"No true loss there…" I muttered.

"Really?" Ruby asked. "Out of all of us you're most likely to go wild and… and…"

"Abuse substances? That's what I really like to do. I like abusing chemicals. And… I strongly suspect but I can't prove that in twenty years… Well, you know how they used to prescribe heroin and cocaine to people with psychosis and depression? The questions they ask you are stuff like 'do you feel better?' I think they're happy pills and I wouldn't be surprised if in twenty years after rigorous studies they determine that Ziprasidone, the one I'm currently on, is like that. It gives me a pleasant feeling within minutes of taking it and I'm always looking forward to my next dose. Some pain killers are like that and are super addictive. And nobody knows enough about the brain to really prove that something is an antipsychotic because no one knows how consciousness really works. It's one of those big mysteries."

"You think what you're currently on is like heroin or hyper?" Weiss put her hands on her hips.

"A little. I like it. I really like it alot. It makes me feel good. And it's just like I told you. I'm on a mix of pro and antipsychotic medication just like the weed. Not to tell you I should be on weed instead of this. I feel like I can focus and I'm not walking around in a haze. The weed kept me on the edge of consciousness with those concentrates so I really don't remember all that time well at all. It just almost put me to sleep so I didn't care about the hallucinations. And then it dialed my fear to one hundred and made me very paranoid. There's nothing like that on this. I feel… almost like I did before Beacon fell. I feel like I'm waking up for the first time in years. Really actually waking up. You know what I mean?"

"Not really…" Weiss trailed her eyes drawn in concern and her lips were tight. "Is it… a bad thing?"

"It is and it isn't."

"You're not allowed to tell us 'yes and no.' We do that to you."

"Sorry. Sometimes the answer is 'yes and no.' It isn't entirely pleasant seeing everything I missed. But it is good to be awake for once."

"And you don't… you don't feel any sexual problems?" Ruby asked.

"Not that I've noticed. It might be a bit more difficult to get and maintain an erection but it really isn't too hard. Pun intended."

"It seems plenty hard…" Weiss muttered.

"Don't be vulgar," I shot back at her.

"You-I… you can't tell me that! That's not allowed."

"Too bad." I took a drink of my coffee. "Make. Me."

"You can't steal my phrases! Ruby, make him stop."

"I don't know. Maybe I want to see where this goes… Are you going to make him? He always makes you do what he wants after you say 'make me.'"

Weiss pouted at her. It was an adorable expression and I would cherish it forever. "I don't know how…"

"Offer to blow me," I suggested. "Just spread your legs."

"And let you have the satisfaction?"

"I've got the satisfaction either way. At least if we were banging we'd be banging. You know what I mean?"

"Oh I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you."

"You know I would. You know I'd love it."

"What about Ruby?"

"She could watch or join in. I won't hold it against her."

"Which way would you not hold it against her?"

"Either way, I suppose. What do you say Ruby? Want to spread your legs for us?"

"I-I you guys. Don't make this about me…"

"But you like the attention," I pointed out. "You love it. And I'm inclined to give it to you."

"Oh you'll give it to me?" Ruby wondered demurely.

I shook my head. "She's such a tease, isn't she darling?"

"What can we do about it though,"

"Sweetheart, come sit on my lap and let me hold you."

Ruby got up and I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her close to me. She turned her head up and around to look at me with those gorgeous silver eyes. "What are you going to do with me now?" She wondered.

I kissed her hard. I trailed them down her neck and spine until she shivered. "Maybe I'll be nice and gentle with you. Would you like that? Sweetheart?"

She gave a second little shiver in my arms.

"Maybe…"

"Poor thing, let me take care of you," I whispered. "You little tease."

"I don't see how I'm the tease in this situation," Ruby disagreed.

"I do," Weiss pointed out. "You look delicious and you're all 'be gentle with me.' You're a tease. I see it."

Ruby gave a cute little pout and I kissed her jawline until she let out a little sigh. I squeezed her from behind gently.

"Mmm," Weiss hummed while she watched. "Eat her up, Cloud. She can't keep getting away with it."

"I'm gonna."

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-WG