Leafpool hadn't slept in two nights. She had spent the nights since her visit to the Moonpool tossing and turning. How could she sleep peacefully knowing Hollyleaf, her daughter, her precious kit, was in the Dark Forest? Knowing she was all alone in that dark, terrifying place, being punished for committing a crime she had only committed to try to save her brothers and Squirrelflight?
And worse, she had died hating Leafpool, believing Leafpool had given her up because she didn't love her when in reality she would have done anything in the world for her kits. She would have killed any cat, she would have died a thousand times over, she would have left everyone and everything she had ever known, if she thought it would improve the lives of her kits.
And she had been prepared to leave ThunderClan forever- would have done it if Squirrelflight hadn't offered to raise the kits as her own. She had thought this was the best thing she could do for them. This way, they would grow up with an entire Clan to take care of them. They would grow up with a loving mother, the cat Leafpool trusted more than anyone else in the world. And Leafpool would be able to watch over them.
But Hollyleaf had died without knowing any of this. She had died thinking her mother hated her, when nothing could be less true. Even when Hollyleaf had threatened her with deathberries, she had never felt anything but love for her. Love, and grief that her daughter felt so lost, and so unloved.
And now she would never get the chance to tell her daughter just how loved she was.
It was all her fault. Hollyleaf had only killed Ashfur to protect her secret, though she didn't know it at the time. And she had only run away towards the tunnels, which had led to her death, because she felt so betrayed by Leafpool and Squirrelflight's lies.
Leafpool would take her daughter's place in the Dark Forest herself if she could. She would do anything to bring her back, to give her a second chance. But there was nothing she could do. She couldn't even hope to find Hollyleaf there, the way she could if Hollyleaf was in StarClan. Well, until I join her there someday, she thought hopelessly. Because if Hollyleaf was in the Dark Forest for killing Ashfur, surely her own violations of the warrior code would subject her to the same fate. She almost hoped they would. How could she ever be happy in StarClan knowing her daughter was being punished eternally in the Dark Forest?
She had no ability to visit the Dark Forest the way she could visit StarClan. As far as she understood, cats could only visit the Dark Forest in their dreams if a Dark Forest cat called them there. She had tried a few times, many moons ago, to dream her way into the Dark Forest. More out of curiosity than anything else; she had wanted to see what dead cats had their homes there besides Tigerstar. But she hadn't been able to. The only times she had ever been in the Dark Forest was when she was walking in Brambleclaw's dreams.
Wait… Could I do that again? she wondered. She hadn't walked in another cat's dreams in many moons. Certainly not since she had stopped being a medicine cat, and even for many moons before that. But maybe, even though she had lost most of her connection with StarClan, she could still walk in dreams.
Of course, she couldn't use Brambleclaw as her tether to the Dark Forest again. Much to her relief, he had stopped waking up with scars from Tigerstar's training regimine shortly after he and Squirrelflight had become mates. Around the time his half-brother Hawkfrost had been found dead on the shore of the lake. Although no one knew exactly what had happened that day, save for Firestar and Brambleclaw himself, Leafpool suspected Brambleclaw had murdered his own brother to save Firestar. It seemed he had finally made his choice about where his loyalty laid.
However, although Brambleclaw was no longer training in the Dark Forest, she was increasingly convinced there were ThunderClan cats who still were. When Lionpaw had been an apprentice, he had come into her den one morning bleeding from his side. "There must have been a thorn in my bedding," he had complained. But the wound didn't look like it was caused by a thorn. It looked like it was caused by a cat's claws.
She had watched him closely after that and agonized over what to do. That wasn't the last time he had mysterious wounds appear seemingly overnight. She didn't know if she should talk to him about it, or tell Firestar, or ask his littermates to keep an eye on him… She didn't want him to get into trouble. He was her son, and she loved him, and she knew how manipulative Tigerstar could be. He didn't deserve to be punished just because he had been convinced this training would help his Clan. But she also couldn't stand the idea of him getting hurt like this. What if Tigerstar slipped up and killed him by accident? She could lose him forever.
Finally, she had made the difficult decision to talk to the one cat she knew who had experience with this. A cat who she had never really liked as a match for her sister, and never really trusted. But also a cat who had won her trust over time, and who she now had to admit was the best deputy ThunderClan could ask for and the best father her kits could ever have had.
"Brambleclaw, I need to tell you something," she had meowed softly one evening. They went out into the forest, and she had told him everything she had observed.
"I know you trained with Tigerstar and Hawkfrost in your dreams when you were a young warrior," she had begun. She needed to get everything out in the open now before she asked for his help. His eyes had gone wide with shock.
"I… I don't… what do you mean?" he had stammered. She sighed.
"I walked in your dreams one night, and saw you and Hawkfrost meeting Tigerstar to train." He had opened his mouth to try to explain himself, but she had cut him off. "He wanted you to kill Firestar to take over ThunderClan, you didn't want to do it, and eventually you rejected his help. I know everything. And I didn't trust you then, but I trust you now. That's not what this is about."
"I see," he had meowed steadily. "I… Thank you for not telling anyone. I know you didn't like me then. I guess that's why."
"Yeah," she had replied softly. "I wanted to protect my sister."
He smiled. "I know. I know you two are close. I wish I was still close with Tawnypelt like that." She hadn't known how to respond. She had never thought about how awful it would be to be separated from her littermate like that. She and Squirrelflight were closer than most littermates, even being able to feel each other's emotions, but still. Being separated from a littermate must be hard no matter how close you were.
She had to get back to the issue at hand. "I need to talk to you about Lionpaw," she had meowed. "He came to me the other day with scars that he claimed he got from a thorn in his bedding. But it's happened several more times since then. I think… I think Tigerstar might be training him too." Brambleclaw had been silent for a few moments, long enough that Leafpool had begun to wonder if he had even heard her. But finally, he spoke.
"I should have known," he had meowed angrily. "Tigerstar would never be content to let me go. He would be too furious that I rejected him. Now, he sees Lionpaw as his second chance to seize power in ThunderClan. And he thinks he can get back at me by using my son as his pawn." Of course, Lionblaze wasn't really Brambleclaw's son. But Brambleclaw didn't know that- maybe Tigerstar didn't either. Or maybe he just didn't care.
"I don't know what to do," she had meowed desperately. "I can't stand the idea of him being hurt like that. And who knows what awful ideas Tigerstar is putting in his head? He's so young. So much younger than you were… he'd probably believe anything."
"And my father is extremely persuasive," Brambleclaw had replied. "I knew he was evil, I knew the awful things he had done. I knew how awful of a father he had been! But when I met with him in my dreams, he made me feel like I was the most special cat alive. He made me feel like I should be ruling ThunderClan. He finds the things you're insecure about and manipulates them. It's no surprise Lionpaw fell for his lies."
"So what should we do?" she had asked. "Should we talk to him?" Brambleclaw had fallen silent again, looking thoughtful.
"I don't think so," he had meowed finally. "As awful as it is, as hard as it is to watch… if we talk to him now, he'll just get more defensive. Right now, I guarantee you Tigerstar is teaching him that his Clanmates want to keep him from becoming more powerful. If we try to get him to stop, it'll only reinforce those beliefs. I wouldn't have listened to any cat trying to convince me Tigerstar was evil, because deep down, I already knew that. It would only have driven me away from them."
She was surprised by this level of thoughtfulness from Brambleclaw. She hadn't thought he was stupid, but she had never thought of him as particularly introspective. Maybe she could see a bit of what her sister saw in him.
"So then should we just keep letting him get hurt?" she had demanded helplessly.
"I'll keep an eye on him," Brambleclaw had promised. "If it looks like things are getting worse, if it seems like he's any danger to himself or others, I'll talk to him about it. Who knows, maybe since I have experience with this he'll actually listen."
Brambleclaw had kept his word, looking after his adopted son carefully, and soon afterwards, they had gone off to the mountains together to save the Tribe of Rushing Water. Shortly after they had returned, Brambleclaw had pulled her aside and told her he thought Lionblaze was done meeting with Tigerstar, and she had finally been able to breathe normally again. He stopped appearing with mysterious wounds, and she stopped having to worry about that monster hurting her kit.
But despite knowing Lionblaze was safe, this time she hadn't made the same mistake of thinking Tigerstar was done messing with ThunderClan. If he had tried twice to gain a foothold in the Clan he hated so much, he would try again. As medicine cat, she had kept an eye open for any warriors showing up with mysterious wounds they got in the night. And then as a warrior, participating in training sessions, she had kept careful watch to see if any cats were using moves she could recognize from Brambleclaw's training sessions with Tigerstar.
Her observations had yielded nothing… until about a moon ago. She had been participating in a mock-fight with several of her Clanmates when she had seen Ivypaw use a move that was distinctly familiar, diving under Birchfall's belly and hooking his legs out from underneath him.
She had thought she could just be imagining it- after all, she had only been a warrior for a few moons and she certainly hadn't learned all the battle moves yet. But when she had asked Ivypaw about it, she had become immediately defensive, saying she had "kind of worked it out for herself" and that she couldn't demonstrate it to her Clanmates because she "didn't remember exactly what she did".
From that point on, Leafpool had kept especially careful watch over Ivypaw, and sure enough, a few days later she came out of her den limping from an injury she hadn't seemed to have the day before.
She had been concerned about what to do about Ivypaw, and what it meant that Tigerstar was now recruiting cats who weren't even related to him, but for now, Ivypaw's nighttime activity wasn't a concern- it was an opportunity.
If she could still walk in dreams, she could follow Ivypaw when she went to the Dark Forest and then, once there, she could find Hollyleaf. Even if she couldn't do anything to save her from her fate, she could at least speak with her. She could finally make her see how loved she had always been, and how much of a hero she really was, regardless of what StarClan had decided.
She could finally beg her daughter's forgiveness.
Leafpool knew she wasn't owed anything. She wasn't owed forgiveness, she wasn't even owed a conversation with her daughter. But she needed to try, at least to find her. Needed to lay eyes on her kit one more time. For Hollyleaf, and for herself.
So that was what she would do. That night, she would venture into the Dark Forest, and she would find her daughter.