Chapter 72

The sound of silence

Brook raised his baton again and his companions stared at him, focused. Franky prepared to play his fingers along the strings of his guitar and Usopp moved his own above the keyboard. Luffy had brandished the triangle and was only waiting for his musician's signal to hit him with force while Chopper had grabbed his two maracas, visibly impatient too.

Brook lowered his baton. The racket started again.

During lunch, the idea of an orchestra to brighten up the wedding ceremony had been suggested and most of the members of the Straw Hat crew had seized the opportunity to resume learning the instruments they had chosen before entering the New World. Nami had not vetoed this initiative, although it was risky, but she had looked at Brook in such a way that he had understood that he would need to present his orchestra only if it managed to produce harmonious melody. Otherwise, he would suffer a slow and painful death. Besides, neither the navigator nor Robin attended the rehearsal because it was Malek's turn to show them the cocktails he planned to serve in the All Blue's dining room. Lily and Amy had also been invited to the tasting and even Liam attended because Nami had asked him to participate as he was present on the island at that time.

Sanji had been a little jealous not to be invited but he was also happy to see that the scientist had agreed to join them. He had stayed in the kitchen with Zeff to begin the next service preparations and at snack time, he had gone towards the Sunny to replace Malek in this task while taking the opportunity to bring back the food that had been bought a little earlier. This is how when he had crossed the deck with his arms full of food, he had almost gone unnoticed among the chaos and he had hurried towards the galley, walking past Zoro who was leaning on the first-floor railing.

The swordsman absentmindedly observed his friends below. They were trying to follow the rhythm and melody chosen by the crew musician, an incredible epic recounting the eternal love of a couple despite the trials that fate had placed on them. Zoro didn't seem bothered by the surrounding noise, visibly lost in his thoughts, and if Luffy's elastic hand suddenly trying to grab the blond had surprised him, he didn't show it. A few seconds later, it was quite natural that the captain had retrieved his hand adorned with a shoe mark and he had returned to his triangle while Sanji had locked himself in the galley.

The session had resumed for about ten minutes when the straw hat boy announced that the absence of a snack was too unbearable for him to continue. Chopper offered to go upstairs and see Sanji while the others gathered around Brook to hear his comments. Zoro saw the little reindeer rush towards the first floor of the ship before happily pushing open the galley door, his eyes sparkling. A short time later, he heard him come out at the same time as he caught bits of his exchange with the blond about the snack that awaited the crew and quickly, the door closed behind him. The doctor walked past the swordsman again, trotting happily towards the stairs, eager to resume the rehearsal.

"Oh, Zoro, there you are! I haven't seen you since this morning, I hope you're okay! Just tell me if you're sick!" He reminded him in passing.

Indeed, the swordsman had remained locked in the crow's nest all morning and he hadn't had breakfast at the same time as the crew. Then, he had skipped lunch because he had eaten too late and he had taken the opportunity to sleep on the Sunny until his crewmates had come to disturb the calm of the ship.

Zoro had been thinking a lot over the last few days and his uneasiness had grown even though he was a little closer to his crewmates. Luffy had been wrong about him: he wasn't getting better. The fact that his problem had been exposed for everyone to see during their fight on the beach still hurt and continued to remind him that he could no longer keep up appearances. Chances were that his problem was well known now. Yet he wanted to believe in his captain's words and he had concluded that maybe this was Luffy's way of making him understand that moving forward required admitting the inevitable. And he didn't want to disappoint him if he could avoid it.

"I'm not okay, Chopper."

The doctor froze in front of the stairs, obviously not expecting such a response from the fencer. He glanced at him curiously to make sure he hadn't been dreaming and Zoro stared at the horizon beyond the deck, his jaw clenched.

"I'm not okay but I'm not sick." The little reindeer slowly walked towards him. "Can you clarify how you feel?" He asked cautiously.

"I feel empty. Tired. Bad. And I've never felt this way before." He shook his head then, clearly weary. "I don't know what to do," he admitted, unable to look his friend in the eyes. "Everything I've tried so far has been a failure."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

The swordsman hesitated for a second before shaking his head again, still looking out to sea. "I'm not sure, Chopper," he sighed. "I know it'd probably be the best thing to do, but I don't really want to."

"It's okay, it's already a big step to admit that you're not doing well," the doctor reassured him. "You just need to find the right person and the right time."

"I'm not sure it'll ever be the right time," the swordsman replied softly in return.

Chopper placed his little paw on his leg to soothe him. "It'll be the right time when you decide, Zoro. Don't force yourself if you're not ready but remember that this is the first step to feeling better. In the meantime, you know that we're all here for you and if you wanna talk, I'll always be available to listen, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Chopper."

Sensing his distress, the little reindeer wasted no time in resuming his path towards the stairs and Zoro finally dared to take a look in his direction when he had gone down the steps to get closer to his companions. The swordsman swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. After Luffy, it was Chopper's turn to tell him that it was about his own free will if he wanted to get out of this. He also had confirmation that all his friends had noticed his apathetic state of mind.

Zoro forced himself to take a deep breath in order to release the tension in his muscles. He knew what he had to do if he wanted to regain some dignity now. He just needed to find the courage to face reality. And the right time.

Zoro saw Sanji come back up the stairs, shaking his head, and stop near him to light a cigarette. The blond had just finished distributing snacks. He had made personalized sandwiches and his friends were now eating them with gusto, offering a break to their ears.

"They haven't made any progress," the cook noted. He put away his lighter after blowing his smoke towards the sky while leaning at his side to observe them.

The swordsman had finished his own sandwich since he had got it first when his crewmate had come out of the galley but he didn't bother to answer. Sanji didn't seem to mind and he kept his attention on the apprentice musicians seated on the green grass of the deck. The cook's calm demeanor abruptly took the fencer back two years, when he and Sanji shared an unparalleled bond that allowed them to enjoy each other's company without needing to utter a word.

Zoro felt like a little bit of that bond had come back since that conversation in the Sunny's galley a few days earlier. They still only exchanged a few sentences but the swordsman no longer felt on his guard when they met and from the relaxed gestures of the cook, he senses that he felt the same. This discussion had reawakened the complicity that had always existed between them, even when their rivalry had deprived them of recognizing the mutual respect they had for each other. That evening, they had also cleared the air and after having feared more than anything to see each other again, the two former lovers managed to enjoy each other's company without feeling obliged to speak or justify their presences now.

Despite the circumstances, this unexpected progress allowed the fencer to relax and take a little distance from his feelings even though the blond was smoking peacefully a few steps from him. Yet the task ahead of him was immense and he was not sure it was not already too late.

Sanji winced when the melodious sound of Brook's violin was suddenly covered with the terribly discordant sound of the other instruments. The snack was over and training resumed without delay.

"What a racket," he muttered, puffing on his cigarette. "Seems that it's better to hear this than to be deaf, but I have my doubts…"

Zoro shuddered. This seemingly innocuous sentence had the effect of a slap in the face and his hand gripped the railing as if to prevent him from losing his footing. He then slowly caught his breath and glanced briefly at his companion who was still observing their friends. His heart began to beat a little faster in his chest. He trusted Luffy, Chopper, and their advice. He trusted all of his crewmates. But Sanji was probably the one with whom he felt the freest. Because the blond had proven to him time and time again that he had always respected his choices, even the most painful, and because he achieved the incredible feat of seeing beyond what the swordsman managed to show.

At this moment, Zoro knew that it was the right time and the right person. He just couldn't back down, because who knew when the opportunity would arise again. Maybe never. It was time for him to ease his conscience.

"I don't hear them anymore."

The cook simply raised an eyebrow as he disposed of his fully consumed cigarette, focused on the musician giving a speech. "Well, yeah, they stopped playing but I think it won't last," he noted when he saw Chopper grab his maracas.

The swordsman tried not to flinch. "No, my swords. I can't hear them anymore."

At these words, Zoro saw the blond frown and turn towards him. "What are you talking about?"

Zoro looked back in front of him, his hands sweating against his kimono. "I lost contact with my swords since my fight against that Vice-Admiral. I thought it was because of my new injury but I've recovered all my other faculties since then."

Only silence answered him and Zoro didn't have the courage to turn his head towards his companion. He felt terribly exhausted at that moment. The words that weighed so heavily on him had finally crossed the barrier of his lips and now that they were floating in the air, they seemed to have taken all of his energy with them.

"I don't know what to do," he continued in a voice that seemed almost foreign to him, "I've tried everything I know but nothing works. I'm probably no longer worthy of them. Maybe I've become too weak."

Zoro stared at their friends without seeing them and prepared to reveal his terrible conclusion, the one that would seal everything he had always been and everything he had always believed about himself. By saying those words, he knew that he would never be the same again but at least, he would no longer lie to everyone around him and he could preserve some of their respect by being honest.

He forced himself to release his breathing.

"I don't know how to tell them that I failed. I don't know how to tell them that I will never be the best swordsman in the world."

The wind rose on the deck and Zoro finally decided to face the blond's gaze. He turned towards him and noticed that surprise still completely dominated him if he judged by his wide eyes and half-open mouth from which no sound came out.

"I know what I asked of you and what I took from you," he continued under his breath. "I sincerely believed that I'd repay my debt the day I defeated Mihawk but now I must bring myself to live knowing that I broke the promise I made to you and that I made to Kuina."

He took a shaky breath, ready to bow. "Sanji, I'm s-

"Don't!" Sanji jumped forward to press his hand across the swordsman's chest and stop him from bowing. Zoro looked up to meet his angry gaze. "Don't you dare, Zoro," he finally growled, breathing rapidly.

The swordsman frowned. "I'm not asking you to forgive me. I just want to apologize."

"And I don't want you to apologize! Fucking hell…" The cook took a step back and ran a hand through his hair, upset. "You can't say shit like that and not let me get a word in edgewise! I have my say before you decide to apply your fucking code of honor!"

Zoro remained still and Sanji shook his head, trying to regain his senses.

"First, let's put things in order. What do you mean you hear your swords? Where does that come from?"

Facing him, the fencer gently shrugged his shoulders. If Sanji wanted an explanation, he supposed that was the least he could do. "I don't know, I always heard my swords. I guess because of my training, I created a bond between us."

The blond stared at him. "Even with your new swords?"

"Even Shuusui," he agreed. "At first, I had trouble perceiving and understanding her but gradually, I got to know her."

"Do all swordsmen hear their swords?" The cook wanted to know, intrigued.

"I guess that every swordsman of a certain level perceives their sword. It takes absolute trust between the two to win some battles."

Sanji seemed to accept his reasoning. "Okay, so… since your fight against the Vice-Admiral, you no longer hear them?" Zoro nodded but this time, the blond frowned. "How are you sure it's you who can't hear them? Maybe it's them who can't talk to you anymore," he pointed out.

"Swords choose their masters," the swordsman explained. "They can refuse to obey by remaining silent to indicate that they don't feel represented with dignity."

"Maybe it's your… hearing in that case," the blond tried again. "A hit you took that damaged your way of communicating?"

"I thought that because of my eye, my body needed to find its bearing but all my sensations have returned now and I still can't hear them," Zoro reminded him.

Sanji glanced at the swords at his companion's waist as if trying to probe them. "But why would they refuse to talk to you; it doesn't make sense. You always get into suicidal fights and they don't mind. What's changed?"

Zoro shook his head. "I pushed them to their limit against Momonga and when I launched my last attack, I heard them screaming. I guess I went too far that day."

"Could they be… hurt?"

"I don't think so. I examined them and they weren't cracked."

"Hm." Sanji approached the swordsman to touch the sheath of the three blades with his fingertips but Zoro escaped it. "I failed, that's a fact," he said harshly. "I'll assume the consequences of my actions."

"How?" The cook provoked him, looking up. "You wanna leave the crew? You wanna go living like the hermit you already are?"

"I can find new masters who'll be able to prove themselves worthy of them."

At these words, Sanji froze, his eyes filled with horror. "You can't be serious, mosshead!"

"It's not because I can no longer guide them that they shouldn't have the life they deserve." Zoro instinctively looked down at his treasures and placed a gentle hand on their guard. "Shuusui is a warrior, she needs an experienced swordsman who'll take her to the biggest battlefields. Kitetsu needs a firm but attentive master; she knows how to place her trust in those she judges worthy of interest. And Wadô…" His hand tenderly closed around the white sword, still immaculate despite the battles and the years. "Wadô will return to those who always loved her. I'll return her to Koshiro."

"Zoro, don't…"

"It'll be for the best," the swordsman murmured, "They don't need me anymore."

The blond approached the swordsman and their eyes met. Now closer to the galley wall, they could still hear the crew laughing and having fun amidst the discordant notes they produced and the contrast was almost unreal.

Yet after a few moments, in front of his companion's resigned face, Sanji's gaze grew darker. "You're wrong, Zoro."

The swordsman looked back at him. "You have the right to hate me. I deserve it."

"You deserve that I rip your fucking head off!" The blond got angry, "How can you give up so easily?! How can you seriously consider parting with your swords!"

Zoro sighed. "If I can't hear my swords, I can't realize my dream. You saw what happened on the beach against those pirates. I have no chance."

"You can practice," the cook pointed out. "If they see that you're doing what you can to regain their trust, I don't see why they wouldn't give you a second chance if you have indeed disappointed them!"

The swordsman looked down, clearly uncomfortable. "It's useless. I know you wanna help but it's not just my swords that I can't hear. This… desire that I've always had to become the best swordsman in the world… I lost it too," he whispered. "If I can't be a swordsman, what's the point anyway…"

Sanji's heart twisted under the surge of emotions that the fencer's entire body suddenly reflected. He took a step forward to place his hand on his tense forearm and Zoro flinched at his touch.

"It's over, Sanji. I had my chance and I missed it…"

The blond shook his head and raised his hands to the swordsman's face. Zoro instinctively looked up, revealing all his despair.

"You are wrong, Zoro," Sanji repeated in a softer voice. He then scrutinized for a moment this man who had been so proud and who was only suffering and regretting today. "You are wrong because I still see it. As sure as I saw my restaurant on the All Blue before even discovering this island, I know that one day, you'll be the best swordsman in the world."

Zoro looked into his companion's calm and assured gaze. His own eyes were brimming with tears and the pain was overwhelming. He wanted to believe, he wanted to hope. But today, he didn't have the strength anymore.

Musical inspiration for the last scene: The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel

This is hard for Zoro but his torments are as high as his ambition. I think becoming the best necessarily flirts with the human limits and then their deepest terrors.