Chapter 9

"I'm telling you, chocolate cake is much better than vanilla," the boy said, rolling his eyes.

"You're crazy? It doesn't even taste like chocolate. Vanilla cake tastes better. Everyone knows that chocolate-flavored things never taste good like chocolate," the green-eyed girl corrected him, copying his gesture.

"Sakura, you're wrong," he said, giving her a flirtatious smile.

"Oh, just kiss already!" the young man's cousin shouted, scaring them both.

Her words caused both of them to blush extremely. It was their routine every time they saw each other. They were too nervous to talk to each other, then they started playing around, they flirted and they fought. It had been like that since the day they met, preparing for a festival dance. Inseparable, in love, and, according to them, unrequited.

The front door slammed shut with a resounding boom, the echo a reflection of the turmoil within me. Saying everything, even if it wasn't the right time or place, had been a release. But the weight of it all still hung heavy. My phone buzzed insistently, the screen flashing with missed calls and messages, most of them from Syaoran. Just the thought of talking, of explaining the mess I'd created, filled me with dread. A whimper from Kero cut through my thoughts, his worried brown eyes drawing me back to the present.

A heavy sigh escaped my lips as the weight of the argument settled in. Syaoran's name flashing on the screen of my phone was a fresh wave of frustration. With a finality that surprised even me, I blocked his number again. A flicker of satisfaction sparked in my chest – a petty revenge for the hurt I saw reflected in his eyes. It was a hollow victory, a childish attempt to soothe my own pain. Work loomed large tomorrow, a harsh reminder of the real world. Stripping off the day's emotional baggage, I climbed into bed.

"Only fair for him to feel like shit after everything he's done" was my last thought before falling asleep.

"I'm sorry, Tomoyo. I hope I didn't scare the children," I said sadly. I decided to stop by her house after work to apologize for the scene I caused the day before.

"Not at all, they were very busy. They didn't realize anything was happening until Kero ran out. They would have gone to look for him but Aoto and Kaito started fighting over a toy and that got their attention again," she explained. "I don't blame you for anything, Sakura. I know it was something you wanted to say for a long time. There's just something that worries me."

"What's that?" I asked confused.

Her gaze held a depth that sent shivers down my spine.

"If you never saw Syaoran again," she began, her voice filled with seriousness, "would you be content with the way things ended?" My mind raced, replaying our last conversation, searching for a flicker of satisfaction, a shred of peace. But all I found was a hollow ache.

Well shit, Tomoyo.

"Why are you telling me this? You hate him. n fact, you hate him more than I do," I reminded her.

"You don't hate him, Sakura, and I'm indifferent to him," she corrected me. "You're just in a lot of pain. And you have focused the pain you've felt for Yukito and Yue on him as a way to keep him away from you. I know you better than anyone. You are almost my sister and I know that if you don't fix things, you will not have peace."

The hole in my chest wanted to kill me at that moment but I ignored it. I was getting angry.

"Now do you want me to forgive him? Just like that?" I almost screamed. Then I remembered that it wasn't Tomoyo's fault. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

"That is what I want. It's not the words, it's the delivery. You are a sweet person, a little crazy but you have always known how to treat people with kindness. You are better than that."

"I agree," Eriol said, materializing next to his wife. "I know I joke around a lot, Sakura, but I love you very much. You are like my family and I want the best for you. Part of me believes that forgiving Syaoran is what you need to heal."

I rolled my eyes with irony.

"Syaoran has nothing to do with Yukito and Yue. He dug his own grave, now that has to lay in it.

"Very dark, Sakura," Eriol said, laughing. "But seriously, you should talk to him. Meiling says he's doing really bad."

That did make me feel a little guilty… although not enough.

"Sounds like his problem," I said with a shrug.

"Sakura..." Tomoyo said, looking at me with reproach. I sighed.

"Fine! I'll talk to him."

My frantic pacing must have made Kero dizzy. I'd just finished assuring Dai I was okay, apologizing for the worry, and accepting his (admittedly ridiculous) offer to "find a client" to deal with Syaoran. Of course, it was a joke on both ends – the thought of violence made me cringe, and I didn't want him to think I was truly unhinged. We settled on dinner plans for tomorrow before hanging up, a flicker of normalcy amid this mess.

I took a deep breath and dialed.

"Hello?" He answered as if he didn't believe I was calling him.

"Hey," I said. I stayed silent for a long time and he didn't seem to know what to say either. "Hey, how are you?"

"Good," he replied. There was another long silence. "What's going on?"

"Listen, I wanted to apologize for yesterday. The way I snapped at you...well, it wasn't fair." Taking a deep breath, I tried to gather the tangled mess of emotions inside me. "Honestly, the things I said...they weren't entirely untrue. But that doesn't excuse how I yelled them at you." Shame flushed my cheeks as I looked down. "Sometimes I feel this emptiness inside me. It makes it hard to think straight. Yesterday, when you found me...it just bubbled over."

"Forgive you?" The disbelief crackled over the phone line. "Hell, Sakura, I'm the one who should be begging. I know I've been a pest, pushing my way back into your life like a broken record. But if that's it, if you can't stand the sight of me anymore, then alright. Consider this my goodbye call. I'll disappear, promise not to bother your peace again. Just say the word." His voice grew tight, a hint of sadness lacing his tone.

I was speechless. That was exactly what I wanted, right? I could end this chapter of my life. I hadn't spoken to him in three years, what difference did it make to the rest of my life?

If you never saw Syaoran again, would you be content with the way things ended?

The wave hit me like a ton of bricks. Not the usual emptiness of being mad at him, but a whole new kind of missing. A missing I'd been shoving down with all that resentment. We'd been through so much together, Syaoran and me. Like, a ton. And yeah, peace sounded good, just like he said. But guess what? Peace hadn't exactly been living here rent-free without him either. Don't know if it'd magically appear with him back in the picture, but maybe, just maybe, Eriol was onto something.

"No," I concluded. "I do not want that. I want to be able to forgive you, but I don't know how."

The line went quiet. As the words left my lips, a wave of relief washed over me, a physical sensation like a weight lifting from my chest. The phone felt lighter in my hand. Maybe this was the start of letting go. Maybe peace, like my therapist kept saying, was actually possible. Though, part of me couldn't help but snort a little. Therapist would be damn proud of me. The last time Syaoran's name came up, I told her to fuck off.

"How about we try to be friends again? I don't ask you for anything more. Not best friends, just friends," he asked.

"I think it's worth a try. I can't promise you anything, you know that, right? And I haven't forgiven you."

"I'll take what I can, Sakura," I could hear him smile and that made me smile as well. "How about we go out to eat tomorrow? As friends," he added at the end. "I would like to hear from you what has happened these last three years."

I thought about it for a moment. I felt like I had forgotten something but I didn't know what.

"Okay, anything in particular you want to eat?"

"Mexican food?" He suggested. "And, how about 6 pm?"

"Sounds good, I'll send you the address of a Mexican restaurant when we hang up. See you there tomorrow. "

"Thank you, I'll go right after my shift at the hospital. Thank you for giving me this opportunity, Sakura."

"You're welcome... Syaoran."

"Good night," he said before hanging up.

I looked at the photo on the tablecloth again and smiled thinking about how proud Yukito would be of me. Remember his warm smile, his eyes full of kindness, and his great quality of seeing the best in people. I was scared thinking that the hole would finish me but other than my chest hurt a little, I felt good. It was nostalgic and sad, but I didn't feel like I was going to die.

"Interesting," I murmured, smiling a little.

I felt my phone vibrate

Tomorrow at 6. What do you think of Mexican food?

Shit.