Chapter Eight:
He never went back to the tack room again, except to retrieve the meager belongings he had brought with him in his saddlebag and move them to his old cot in the bunkhouse.
In a matter of days, they fell into a familiar routine, taking turns preparing meals and washing up afterwards. That had always been Jimmy's role whenever Emma or Rachel had been away. He was still as terrible a cook as ever, but he saw that Lou had learned to better acquit herself in the kitchen. Jimmy had to admit that her meals were now at least passable, and certainly far better than the hardtack that had been sustaining him since he got there.
Being back in the bunkhouse took some adjustment. He and Lou had lived together in that very room for much of their time in the Express, but he found that being there with her alone felt very different from when all the bunks had been filled by their fellow riders. There was an intimacy now that it was just the two of them that he had not been prepared for, and he became keenly aware of her presence.
He noticed every little detail. The sound of her bare feet on the wood floor. The way that she tucked her now longer hair behind her ear when it came loose from its braid. How she hummed softly to herself while she washed the dishes. The way she would sometimes stare into the distance at the window like she was waiting for someone to ride in. Even the gentle whisper of her breathing as she slept. All of these things were new to him. He wondered if they were also new to her or if he had just never noticed them before in the bustle and chaos of the once crowded bunkroom.
He saw that she watched him as well, when she thought he wasn't looking. She would glance over while he shaved at the basin against the wall or blush slightly when he took off his shirt before getting into bed.
He had never spent much time alone with a woman, though he hadn't ever really thought of Lou that way in the past. She had always just been Lou. Now, he found himself painfully conscious of her womanhood. He felt himself settling into a domestic sort of life that he'd never before allowed himself to imagine. One that he never thought would be possible for the likes of him. One that he surely didn't deserve, after all that he'd seen and done. But it was here nonetheless, and he wasn't sure how he was ever going to be able to leave it behind.
Jimmy had turned in early that night after a particularly exhausting day's work and was out before Lou had even come in from washing up. Now, he was roused from his sleep by her voice calling his name.
"Jimmy?"
He opened his eyes groggily and tried to focus on her silhouette. He was still too disoriented from a hard sleep to speak, so he just looked at her and waited.
"Jimmy, will you hold me? Please. Just for a minute." Her voice was quiet, and she looked so vulnerable standing there in her white nightgown, illuminated from behind by the low light of the lamp she must have left burning. "I'm so lonely. Sometimes, I feel so hollow and empty inside that it seems like I might shatter into a million pieces and just float away. I'm so very tired of feeling alone."
In that moment, he wasn't sure he could have denied her anything. He lifted his covers and motioned for her to climb in.
When she did, she settled herself against his bare chest, and he wrapped his arms around her. Once again, he cursed himself for how he always responded when she was in close proximity. He was certain that she must feel the ferocious pounding of his heart, and he was finding it hard to catch his breath. Shame on me, he thought with derision.
But Lou clearly wasn't disturbed by his beating heart. He heard her sigh contentedly and felt the muscles in her shoulders relax under the pressure of his arms. It wasn't more than a few minutes before he was certain that she was asleep.
He gently swept the hair back from her face and gazed down. Her long, dark lashes rested softly against her cheeks. His stomach flipped again as he fought for control of his emotions. Taking one more deep breath, he placed a single kiss on her brow and relaxed his head back onto the pillow.
She was still in his arms when the morning light woke them both.
It became their ritual for Lou to climb into Jimmy's bunk as soon as she had extinguished the lamp for the night. They didn't talk about it. She just never went back to sleeping in her own bunk. Her warmth next to him as he slept was quickly a welcomed constant. He became accustomed to the rhythm of her breathing, to the way she shifted in her sleep, and even to her cold feet against his shins.
He kept telling himself that his was the only heart at risk. That he was simply giving her some much needed comfort and shelter from her grief. But he knew, in the fleeting moments where he was honest with himself, that he would likely come to regret allowing himself to get this close.