Chapter Twelve:
Lou's voice suddenly faltered as she reached the end of the painful account. "Those were the last words we ever spoke. By mornin', he was gone."
Jimmy had moved to crouch in front of her, and he grabbed her by the shoulders. She flinched at the contact, almost as if she had forgotten there was anyone else in the room. And perhaps she had.
"Why didn't you come to me, Lou? You promised Kid you would! Why didn't you?" He fought unsuccessfully to keep the edge of accusation out of his voice. "I stayed! I stayed in Rock Creek so you could find me. So both of you could!"
She closed her eyes, and the tears that had welled there spilled over and slipped down her cheeks.
"I couldn't, Jimmy. Don't you understand? At first, it was everything I could do just to keep livin'. I kept gettin' up every day and workin' the farm same as I had been, thankful to fall into bed every night too exhausted to even dream. I was in a haze, one day fadin' into the next. Most days I was angry to have woken up in the mornin' at all. It would have been easier if I hadn't.
"In time, I started to resent the farm, the land, Virginia itself. I wanted nothing more than to get out of there. To forget the place that had brought me nothing but heartache and pain and never look back. But I couldn't do it. Because leavin' Virginia somehow meant I was leavin' Kid. Leavin' him all alone in the ground with not a soul to remember him. Leavin' meant movin' on, healin'. And what right did I have to do that?
"When I couldn't stand being there a day longer, I decided to pack my bags and leave. I didn't know where I was goin', and I couldn't muster the energy to care. I just had to get out. It didn't take long to pack, given how little I had to really call my own. I almost left Kid's things right where they were, knowin' how painful it would be to go through 'em, but I knew I'd come to regret it if I did. Tucked in the back of a drawer, under a parcel of letters and trinkets I had given him over the years, I found the deed to this place. It was in my name. Kid must have contacted Emma before we left and arranged the purchase. It's just like him to try to keep takin' care of me, even after he was gone."
She chuckled ruefully before continuing.
"So, I did the only thing I knew to do and came here. Started fixin' the place up, doin' just what Kid would have wanted me to do. By that time, I wanted desperately to find you. To reach out and try to reclaim some of what I had lost. But I was too afraid. What if it was too late? What if there was no way to heal what was broken? What if you pushed me away for good? I'd lost you once, and I couldn't stand the idea of losing you again. Of knowin' for sure. I had lost too much already. So, I stayed away.
"And then you came to me anyway. Just appeared in the stable yard that day, looking every bit the handsome cowboy you'd always been. And I was suddenly so angry. Angry at you for being so very alive when he wasn't. Angry at you for making me feel things again that I had no business feelin' and had tried so hard to bury all those years ago. And angry at myself for letting you do that to me like you always have."
She met his eyes then, and a moment of understanding passed between them. Then she collapsed into his arms and began to sob against his chest.
"Oh, Jimmy. I just miss him so much."
"I know, darlin'." It was all he could think to say.
He did the only thing he knew to do, wrapped his arms around her and just held her. Held her while she cried for the man she had loved fiercely and still grieved, for the family that she had lost to tragedy and time, for the innocent girl she no longer was, and for the fear and uncertainty of what was ahead. She cried for all of it. And when she had no more tears to cry, she lay spent in his arms.
He gently lifted her into the bed and tucked her in. He knew she would not wake again until morning. He left her sleeping in Kid's bunk and quietly let himself out.
There would be no sleep for him tonight, he knew, so he settled himself on the bunkhouse steps and let the memories come. Memories of Kid and Lou, of their times together. A beautiful girl coming down the steps wearing a grey dress and a shy smile. A talk behind the barn where they had tried to sort out the nature of love. A fistfight over a lost ring. A stolen kiss by a campfire.
They were all a part of him. A part of them. The three of them. Bound up in each other's histories and inextricable from one another. He was who he was partly because he had loved them both.
He rested his head against a post and watched the morning come.
The new revelations of last night had shaken Jimmy and left him unsure of his footing. It didn't really come as a surprise that Kid had seen the true nature of his feelings for Lou. Kid was no fool and probably understood his feelings better than anyone. But the fact that Kid had sent Lou to him, had entrusted him with her heart, was a gift he had never expected, even from the man he would have gladly given his life for.
And then there was Lou. Had he understood what she was trying to tell him about her own feelings, or had he misread her entirely? He didn't think so, as well as they knew one another.
He had never really given the future much thought. It always seemed like a fool's errand for someone like him. But he felt himself reaching for it now, and it both scared and excited him. Perhaps he would never fully let go of the fear that he might hurt her or that ghosts from his past somehow would, but he was no longer willing to give that fear the hold it had once had over him.
Jimmy knew that it was too soon for Lou. This new wave of grief was too fresh, and she would be fighting to keep it from taking her under again. But he could give her time, be patient while she healed. He was in no rush. The future he was starting to see stretching out before him would wait for her.