I wrote this chapter to a mix of Eminem, Childish Gambino, Kendrick Lamar, Taylor Swift, Fifth Harmony and Rihanna and wow that was a mindfuck lmao

Thank you to the incredible EdwardsFirstKiss for being the beta I didn't know I needed.

I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people
I've ghosted stand there in the room

I couldn't even begin to explain why watching Edward leave with Kylie pissed me off like that. It was just a slap in the face, all the shit he'd been pulling lately suddenly fake as fucking Splenda. All the shit about wanting to know me, wanting fucking minutes like he actually gave a shit. I just wanted to claw my fucking eyes out.

Loathe was not a powerful enough adjective for the lucid hate flowing through every inch of my body. Lied to, tricked, fucking schemed against. I regretted every single second I'd let him take from me. I had to do something or I was going to fucking explode.

I ran home, grateful for the moonless night, not giving a singular fuck if my dress got ruined. The physical release of flying between buildings was not cutting it tonight, though. I must've looked a woman possessed the way Garrett scrambled to open the door for me, sliding and falling across the lobby tiles to call the elevator.

Wordlessly I shook my head at him, lips clenched shut so I couldn't shriek at the poor man. My ire was not for him. I finally dug my key from my clutch and held it out to him silently, vibrating from keeping my body in check.

He called it, looking absolutely terrified, so I forced myself to give him a gentle smile just before the doors slid shut on me.

Once I got into the house, I turned into a tornado. I was just flinging clothing at random into a suitcase when Alice appeared on my doorway. Her face was pinched, like she was in pain, and she had the keys to my Bugatti in her hand.

I forced myself to slow down my violent whirling, standing still and taking several ridiculously deep breaths before I tried to speak.

"What's up, Al?" I used my nickname for her, mostly to let her know I wasn't going to go all fucking berserk on her but also because it made me feel better. More normal. This hate and rage and impotence was not me, not anymore. I was in control. I had gotten over all this shit years ago. Feeling like I was 20 and human again was beyond anything I wanted to fathom at the moment.

"Don't kill me, Bells, please."

I laughed, genuinely amused. I seemed to be hearing that a lot lately. "You would know better than most if I did."

Her answering smile was reassuring. For a second there I was actually wondering if I was going off the deep end again. Sounded like it could be a nice vacation at this point.

"You are going to love him, Bells, and he loves you. I can't see any other way." I must have looked aghast and rabid, because she physically backtracked, but still smiled. "I won't say sorry. You really should quit fighting it - I'm going to love him too. Obviously not the same way, but you know what I mean. He's going to be here in 30 minutes. Can you at least wait and talk to him?"

A hiss escaped my mouth, eyes rolling. "Why don't you just tell me if I stick around and quit making me feel like I have a choice."

She tapped her foot rapidly in exasperation, like I was being a child. Takes one to know one I guess. "Quit being a bitch, Bell, you know that's not how it works. Whether you stick around or not is up to you."

I growled, chucking another bathing suit into my luggage. "I can't love him, Alice." My tone was mocking, "He's an arrogant blow hard who'd just as soon I salivate over his mere existence rather than have any real feelings for him. Not fucking happening."

"Ugh, Jesus, you should fucking see yourself in three years. Then you wouldn't be talking out of your ass. Whatever, be difficult then. Don't say I didn't try to tell you." She growled in return before she left, probably to go find Jasper and make him fuck with my emotions.

Hell no, not today. I was sick of feeling jerked around like a dog on a leash, doing what I was told and to sit and stay and lay down. This bitch was done.

I remembered something from an episode of Gossip Girl, the one where Blair names Jenny the new queen: "You need to be cold to be queen. Anne Boleyn thought only with her heart, and she got her head chopped off."

I liked my head where it was, thank you very much. My heart could fuck right the hell off.

When my suitcase was overflowing with a chaotic assortment of clothing, I threw myself onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling. Damn Alice and her omniscience. I had already considered if I could even like Edward Masen and my answer now was the same as it had been back then: no fucking shot.

So why the hell was I lying here wondering what exactly it was I hated so much about him? That used to be obvious. Scratch that, still is - I refused to let myself think in past tense. He was assuming. He had insulted me. He didn't respect boundaries. His presence was invasive. He hadn't apologized. He tried to watch me change.

In my mind, the list went on and on. I'd castigated random men on the street for less. Respect and honesty were big on my list of personal priorities. And Kylie sure as shit wasn't off the hook on that front. It was universally understood that when one of us hated someone, the rest of us did too. Paris/Tinsley, Demetri when he and Corin were Off, that one bartender at Zero Bond. Whatever she was trying to do macking on Masen, that shit wouldn't fly, drunk or not. It was classless and dishonest because she sure as hell hadn't asked me about it. My crew just did not roll like that.

The sudden tap, tap, tapping on my window sent me flying off the bed, fangs bared and claws brandished.

It was Edward, at the fucking window. 1,500 feet in the fucking air. I snarled, turning to stalk way as his voice came through the glass, clear as fucking crystal. Stupid ass vampire hearing.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me, Bell. Open the fucking window."

I whirled, shrieking. "I am not Bell to you, you obnoxious, pompous, deceitful asshole! Get the fuck off my building!"

He bared his own teeth in response, the growl that issued from his mouth hot and livid like acid. "I'll break the window if I have to, then. Your choice."

My chest was heaving from the bubbling wrath that was consuming me like lava. All I could do was stare at him, daring him to do something so blatantly inhuman, send the shards of glass cascading to Earth like diamond knives.

His face set and hard, he gave a restrained yank and the pane immediately shuddered and cracked, a spiderweb forming. No fucking way. I ran to the window, cranking and throwing it open. As soon as his body could fit through I seized him by the collar and yanked him inside, tasting insanity on my tongue.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs, shooting through octaves like clay pigeons.

He grabbed my wrists and my hands still attached to his shirt, and lifted them above my head. His face was inches from mine, angry breath swirling in my face, his eyes boring into mine and glowing in indignation.

"I will accept your contempt when I have deserved it," he started. I hissed, furious at the proximity, but he continued like I'd made no sound, "But I am innocent on this account, Isabella."

"You fucking took her home after sucking face right in front of me. You were clearly into her, following her around like a pathetic little puppy dog. Innocent my fucking ass." My voice was strained, taut with how unconditionally pissed off I was.

He snarled lowly, and the way it did things to the area between my legs was so welcome and so maddening. My body was a traitorous piece of shit, too.

"She was drunk. I put her to bed. Without me in it. I came back for you." Each word was clipped, the emphasis on 'you' throwing me.

Another breath blew into my face, making my head swim. I wanted him away from me before my body stopped listening to my head.

"Check your SnapChat. She took a few videos. Then you can see how into her I wasn't."

I blanched, torn. I knew what I had seen, but I was more focused on what I hadn't. The Snaps had come through as I'd been running, and I'd resolutely ignored them, and Kylie, way past done and over it at that point. Physical proof was a whole lot different than my imagination, though.

Outwardly I huffed, trying to regain my control and composure. "Fine. I was wrong. You fucking happy?"

Edward only nodded, but his hands still didn't release their fettered grip on mine. Our bodies were pressed together, flush against each other, so it was hard to ignore the proof of his desire pressing into my lower abdomen.

I cleared my throat, trying not to sound annoyed and failed. "Can you, like, let me go now?"

Briefly his grip tightened, making my stomach clench with want. The fuck was wrong with me? Then his hold loosened, letting me take several steps backward.

Eyes closed for a moment, he pinched the bridge of nose with his fingers like this whole encounter was giving him a headache. Dramatic, much?

"Explain to me why you're so determined to hate me." Despite his exasperated expression, his voice was calm and steady.

My eyes rolled, hands clenching to resist the urge to assault him. Better get this shit out of the way now.

"You can read minds, so tell me what you heard from Rosalie first."

He started, but still held my stare. Clearly she was a far better sister than Alice. Apparently she hadn't let anything slip, and was respecting exactly how little I wanted to do with Edward.

"I already told you I was born in 1747. By the time I was 10, both of my parents were dead and I was a literal street urchin. My body was worth a lot more at 16 when it was offered for pleasure instead of cleaning dirty latrines and underwear."

I took a breath, staring right into his eyes. "Just because I wasn't willing at any point never seemed to matter. I was fucking sixteen and being violated daily for some fucking bread. Then kicked in the head, and ribs, and throat when I fought back. One time, I screamed because a British soldier tried to take me raw. You know what happened? Two of his fucking pals heard and decided to join in. I could barely walk for a week.

And you're just like all those assholes that never took 'No' for a fucking answer, talking to me like I'm a fucking thing you can own and I'm no better than a fucking cockroach. I don't give a singular flying fuck about you, and yet you're bound and fucking determined to invade my life despite my wishes. So you tell me why I seem 'determined to hate you.'"

My fingers made air quotes at the end, mocking his words.

The look of horror and pity on his perfect face was so grimly satisfying and so fucking annoying. He finally got it. But I didn't want pity. I sneered, disgusted.

"Don't look at me like that, like I'm so fucking tragic. It was two hundred fucking years ago. I'm not a princess trapped in a tower that needs to be saved - I climbed out of that bitch on my own. The point is I have boundaries and fucking dignity, things which you sorely refuse to respect."

His throat cleared, clearly trying to switch course. "Bella, I-"

My hand shot out, palm forward. "I swear to God if you say you're sorry I will fucking decapitate you. The only thing you are allowed to apologize for is fucking degrading me and getting fresh at the gala."

He growled, angry at my peevishness but fuck him. I didn't owe him shit, and I did not want him to feel sorry for me. I had done that plenty enough on my own.

The tenor to his voice was controlled, restraining whatever reaction had been instinctual. "I apologize for my previous actions, Bella - again - unless you've forgotten my apology at the gala." I hadn't. I was just choosing to ignore it because it was trite and a total knee-jerk reaction. "I mean that with the utmost sincerity. I can tell you with complete honesty that I respect you, your boundaries, and your dignity."

I snorted at his elegant, flowery speech, unable to believe I was actually hearing this shit being spewed in real-time. Was he actually going to sit here and tell me, vis-à-vis, that he respected me when nearly every interaction so far had shown me anything but?

"Gee, that's pretty fucking rich coming from the guy who's done little more than accost me after insulting my fucking propriety - oh, and don't forget destroying my window. What's next, are you going to say you love me?" My subsequent laughter was borderline harpy-like with how deranged it sounded.

Except he didn't snort, or scoff, or really dispute me at all. My pealing, insane laughter abated almost at once and I was furious all over again. "You don't even fucking know me and- and-" I was too pissed to even get out a proper sentence. There was no fucking way in absolute hell he was being serious. And yet, I knew without a doubt he was absolutely being serious, because he would've said so otherwise.

"You've got a weird ass way of showing it, Edward. Get the fuck out." I was so angry I pointed back at the fractured window. If he walked by me right now, I was liable to either break his bones or jump them, neither of which would be particularly spectacular at this junction.

The glow returned to his eyes, and he moved as if to take a step towards me. The snarl that issued from between my teeth this time was unlike the other times I'd done so against him, because it was not just an empty threat. One more step and his life was fucking forfeit, and I didn't give a shit if the entire building came down for me to claim it.

Apparently taking my warning into serious consideration, he straightened up but his stupid topaz eyes didn't lose their hard illumination.

"You value honesty, so fine. I love you, Bella. I don't want two fucking minutes, I want all of them. And I'll do whatever you want to get them." Edward's voice was cut and rough, like he was working to speak around something painful.

And me? Rock and fucking hard place. It was occurring to me that if Alice had been right about this then obviously she was right about everything else. Very seldom was she wrong, her visions were only altered by monumentally split-second decisions because she just knew us that fucking well. Alice just didn't need to take a seat, she needed to take several as far as I was concerned. All I wanted was to hate this man in peace.

Adding to it was that clearly Edward was not going to let this, or me, go without a fight was too fucking much. I couldn't even start on the fact we'd actually had a grand total of about five conversations, including this one, and he was just going to drop the L bomb? Even with all the impressive headspace I was feeling very overwhelmed.

Twice before I had dutifully imagined trying to just like Edward - forget even loving him. The answer both times had been a resounding Fuck No. I still couldn't picture that changing, no matter how I tried to study it.

I had a lot of shit to think about. Physicality. Compatibility. Past and future. Primarily, right now, forgiveness - yeah, definitely not my forte. But did Edward deserve forgiveness? Could I give it?

If Alice was right, and it was a big fucking If, I had to know if I could even stand to have him touch me. It was obviously my biggest hurdle, my absolute repulsion to being handled intimately by a man. I also had to know he could actually wait. They always said they could and never did, impatience brings their virtue.

Edward was still standing there, glaring at me like I was the bane of his existence as well as the sole reason he lived and breathed. Definitely a lot to wrap my head around.

Attractiveness itself was definitely not the issue - sparkly vampire brain had no trouble remembering how absolutely fucking delectable he looked at Le Bain. It also had no trouble reminding me that my first instinct was wanting to take him to bed, despite my reservations toward anything even remotely intimate. I guess that kind of settled that debate.

I wasn't the type to ask for things - I took what I wanted, by force if necessary. Somehow I didn't think I would need to coax him, though, as I strode forward and latched my fingers into his collar again.

He only got a split second to look affronted, hissing, "I am not leaving without an answer Isabe-" before I pressed my lips to his.

His first reaction seemed to be confusion, because he didn't reciprocate immediately. When he finally began kissing me back in earnest, I was way past Heaven and was clear into fucking space.

I had only seen fireworks a handful of times, mostly because we tended to avoid sunny, summer months anywhere remotely populated. But I saw them now, exploding behind my eyelids in vivid scarlet, emerald, and azure. Their sparks bounced and danced across my skin, making every contact point buzz and hum with electricity. The current sent jolting waves directly to my breasts and between my legs, so acute and thrilling I moaned without thought. I had never known an ache like this. I fucking hated it. I fucking loved it.

If I didn't stop this now, we would get lost in passion, no question, and I was definitely not ready to let him have his cake and eat it too. Pulling back, I kept my hands tangled in the collar of his white button up, just letting myself breathe for a moment. A smirk crept unbidden onto my face, the whole situation suddenly way too fucking funny.

My voice was light, breathless, when I spoke, our eyes locked onto each other. "Sure, you can try. If you think you can hang, that is. Good luck, Loverboy, because you've got your work cut out for you."

I released my grip on him, finally not pushing him away. But just because I didn't push did not mean I still wasn't walking, at least right now. Grabbing my suitcase in one hand, zipping it shut in one fluid motion, I snagged my phone and keys from the bed with my other. "See you around, Edward. I'm looking forward to this."

I left him in my bedroom, taking the elevator down to the garage practically lost in fits of giggles the whole way. Thank God he hadn't seen that, because I didn't do giddy and punch-drunk, not once in my fucking life. It would definitely set the wrong tone - like any bit of his work would be easy.

I was still giggling as I pulled the Bugatti out onto the street and set my sights toward Montauk. I hadn't seen him once I had left my bedroom, but I had a feeling that would change soon enough.