"I Was Always on My Own.

I Could Not Ever Think of Letting Go, Oh No.

It Doesn't Matter if I Was Left Here to Die.

You Can Cut Me Deeper, But I'll, Be Fine.

'Cause In The End I Wouldn't Mind."

-Sarishinohara, Arvun

I leaned forward, looking over the planks Jiraya dropped on the table. The closest one had a crude flower drawn on the front in white paint.

Jiraya plopped down across from us, resting an arm on his knee. "Before we get to the good stuff, I want to teach you guys a little something that might save your lives someday." He picked up a plank with a frog drawn on it. "From now on, these will be hanging outside the hideout. Each of you has one, hand-crafted by yours truly. When you leave, flip the card to this side, that way everyone knows you're gone."

With a twist of his fingers, Jiraya showed us the red-painted back. "Flip it to this side to show that you're here." He put it down, looking at each of us. "What do you think it'll mean, if a card is flipped to the white side, but the owner is here?"

Konan frowned.

"Someone is pretending to be one of us," Yahiko answered. His right palm was wrapped in a thin bandage. He'd scalded himself water-walking and Tsunade had been so angry that she refused to heal him.

Who cares how fast you learn, if you destroy yourself to do it? she'd asked.

I shook my head. First she said we couldn't waste time. Then she was mad when Yahiko went too fast. It was confusing.

Jiraya nodded, looking around the table. "In that situation act first, without hesitation. If you don't, it could be the last mistake you make."

"Wait," Konan began tentatively. "What if we just forgot?"

"You can't forget," Jiraya said with a shake of his head. "Your lives will depend on it. I wish ending the war was as easy as having the resolve to do so. What a perfect world that would be," he sighed. "The closer you get to your goal, the more danger you'll attract. People will see you as a threat, for no reason other than because you're strong."

"The four of you have lived a life I can't even begin to imagine. But you've never had a target on your backs. You've been collateral damage, but no one has come at you with the intent to kill you for the sake of killing, someone who won't be stopped with pretty words."

"You're wrong," Yahiko said, slamming a hand on the table. "We know what it's like. If that bomb that went off had been any closer to Nagato and Oka, they would be dead." His eyes were hard. "Them not being the target wouldn't have changed anything. Dead is dead. That salamander would've eaten us the same as anyone else if we were in the way. It wouldn't have stopped fighting just because we weren't the target."

Jiraya closed his eyes. Suddenly, he looked very tired.

"What about all the people that died when the buildings fell? No one was targeting them, but they died the same as anybody!" He leaned back, crossing his arms. "We've had targets on us our whole lives. Stop talking to us like stupid kids who don't know anything."

It was quiet for a few seconds before Jiraya opened his eyes again. He looked up, past us, at the ceiling. "Some of Tsuna's luck must've rubbed off on me," he said with a stiff smile. "How did I get stuck with such a depressing bunch? You sure know how to kill a mood, kid."

"What's this one?"

All eyes went to Naga. He'd been laying down, but used the table to pull himself up. His scarred hand was held against his stomach, his eyes on a plank with four straight lines in the middle.

I got up and dropped down beside him. "Tsunade said to lay down," I told him firmly. "You're sick." I felt his arm. Not hot, but too warm.

"I have an infection," he corrected with a small smile.

I couldn't say it and he knew it. I pouted at him.

"In-fec-tion," he sounded out.

I pointed at the sweat-soaked blanket he'd been laying on. "Lay down."

His smile slipped. "Enough people are worrying about me, Oka. I don't want you to too."

"It won't heal if you're stubborn," I insisted.

Naga tilted his head. "You can say that but not infection?"

Jiraya loudly cleared his throat. "That," he said, reaching for the plank in front of Naga. "Is the symbol of this village. It's for Yahiko." He put it down in front of him.

The hard edge in Yahiko's gaze disappeared. He laced his hands behind his head. "We saw it already, remember? On the battlefield. Lots of people had headbands with it."

Naga blinked. "I remember," he began. "But that's not what I was looking at when we went down there."

"We won't have to do that anymore," Yahiko said. "Promise."

Naga's eyes flew up to meet his. After a moment, he ducked his head. "I'll hold you to that, Yahiko."

"What's this supposed to be?" Konan held up a crude drawing of deformed hands.

"Healing hands, for Nagato," Jiraya said proudly. When he met three blank stares, he sighed. "Everybody's a critic."

I traced the outline of an animal drawn on another plank. "Dog?" I asked the table, holding it up.

Yahiko squinted. "Looks more like a cat."

"Bird," Konan supplied.

Yahiko faced her. "That's not what a bird looks like."

"Yeah? How would you know?"

Yahiko stared at her, then turned away. "A bear," he confirmed.

"Rabbit," Naga said.

"Baby bird."

"What's with you and birds?" Yahiko asked Konan.

Naga poked me.

"I don't know any more animals," I said, squirming away from him.

Meanwhile, Jiraya slunk to the floor, muttering to remind himself to cross artist off his list of careers the next time he was alone. "It's a wolf," he finally said, miserably.

Yahiko pulled the plank closer to himself, but still let me hold it. "Those are dog ears," he declared.

"Are their noses supposed to be that wide?" Konan whispered.

"Not enough hair," Naga confirmed. "I saw a drawing of one a long time ago," he added when the table looked his way.

"Hateful children," Jiraya lamented. "Picking on an old man."

トップ

I opened my eyes, stretching out against Naga. It was afternoon. I knew, because that was when the most light came through the clouds.

I could see a hint of a smile, but he didn't look at me. His full attention was on Tsunade, crouched in front of him. A fish sat on a stretch of white paper between them. It flopped back and forth, mouth opening and closing. It was pelted with rain, but still couldn't breathe.

Tsunade lowered a glowing hand onto the fish. It stopped struggling.

"Where's the internal carotid artery?" she asked.

Naga pointed to a place beneath its eye.

"External?"

His finger moved lower, to the bottom of the fish.

Tsunade nodded. "I want you to keep it alive with chakra. When you fail, I'll give you another fish to practice on. But for every dead fish, you have to study ichthyoid anatomy for an hour. Got it?"

Naga swallowed, but nodded. "Yes, sensei."

"You have good chakra control," she said. "Not as good as boy-wonder over there, but its enough. Combined with your budding sensory abilities and decent reserves, you could make for a formidable medic-nin one day. That idiot over there thinks you'll take two months to master this. Do it in a month and I'll see about getting you an actual textbook on mammal anatomy, and not ratty pages torn out of a notebook."

She glared in Jiraya's direction, but he pretended not to notice. He stood at the edge of the bank, watching Yahiko and Konan on the water.

"I'll try my best," Naga said. He raised his hands, and they flickered green.

Tsunade pulled away from the fish.

Naga reached forward, and I felt him shudder as he stretched his left hand. He dropped it into his lap with a wince, only grasping the fish with his right. It struggled again, flopping and fighting to free itself.

"You have to use both hands, Nagato," she said.

His fist clenched, but he didn't.

"It'll hurt like hell," she admitted. "But you have to do it anyway. That's what we do, as medic-nin. I've had to watch comrades die, knowing there's nothing I can do to save them…" she trailed off.

"It's not a physical hurt like your scars, but it hurts all the same. But no matter what kind of pain I felt inside, I kept going, fighting to protect the people I love. That pain I'm talking about? It faded over time, just like your scars will. But for right now, you have to push through it. You've got people to protect, Nagato."

He released a long breath. His left hand shook, but he raised it, cringing as forced it closer and closer to the fish. He shuddered again, just short of touching it. The solid green glow around his right hand sputtered out.

"It hurts so much," he gasped.

"You have to endure it, Nagato," Tsunade said.

Naga squeezed his eyes shut. He grasped the fish, a tear sliding down his cheek.

I wrapped my arms around him. "Don't be sad," I murmured into his shirt.

"I'm not," he croaked. He seemed to notice then that the fish wasn't moving. "I didn't get to—I'm sorry—"

Tsunade took the fish and set it off to the side. With a quick bite of her finger, and a smear of blood in the middle of the paper, another appeared in its place. "I won't count that one," she said. "But starting now, no apologies. Don't ever be sorry for being in pain,"

Surprise flitted across Naga's face, then he nodded. His hands glowed green again.

"Okay?" I asked him as Tsunade walked away.

"I'm okay," he said, stronger than before.

I glanced at the fish. The mouth opened wide, eyes rolling back and forth. I looked at Naga. He was mumbling under his breath, complicated words I didn't understand.

I stood, and with a last look at him, moved closer to the bank.

"That was a nice speech," Jiraya complimented, eyes shifting to Tsunade. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were developing a soft spot for the kid."

"Shut it," she snapped.

"About that bet," Jiraya began. "You know, if he takes longer than you think he will, you won't be here to see him finish."

Tsunade stalked off in the opposite direction.

Jiraya heaved a sigh. "Women," he said with a shake of his head.

I stepped up to the edge, able to feel the water if I curled my toes.

Jiraya had set up painted, floating targets on the water and armed Yahiko and Konan with kunai.

I watched Yahiko throw one, only for the circle he was aiming at to bob slightly to the left. His kunai nicked the edge and spun below the surface.

He groaned. He trudged forward until he was standing over the spot where the kunai fell. Then he held his breath and dropped straight down.

Konan wobbled dangerously at the waves he caused, throwing out her arms to steady herself.

"How long is two months?" I asked.

Yahiko broke the surface, kunai handle between his teeth.

"Hm?" Jiraya asked.

"I thought it was a long time, but it doesn't sound like it."

Jiraya waved this away. "Ignore that. I'm working on it. She'll change her tune soon enough."

"Okay," I took a step forward, concentrating chakra at the soles of my feet. My chakra didn't feel thick and slow like before, but warm and fluid, like liquid chocolate. The thought made me blink.

What did chocolate taste like?

Yahiko wouldn't know, so I spun to face Jiraya. "What does chocolate taste like?"

He looked down at me, then off to the side. "Sweet," he said. "Depends on what type you get, though. What brought this on?"

I shrugged, turning back to face Yahiko and Konan. "I just wanted to know."

The only sweet food I ever had was the fried apple Naga brought me. Was it sweet like that? Or were there different types of sweets, like chakra?

"When can I have kunai?" I asked without turning around.

"Nagato worries enough as it is," Jiraya said lightly. "About you. About Yahiko, Konan, the future, the weather. I think he would have a heart-attack if he saw you with a kunai."

I looked over. Tsunade was making another fish appear for Naga.

"I want to help them," I told Jiraya.

He paused, then shook his head. "I want to say no, but living here, I don't think you have a choice" He pulled a kunai out of a pack on his hip and spun it around his finger. "Here. Knock yourself out."

I took it from him, holding it like a sacred treasure. I saw my wide-eyed stare on the reflective surface. It was lighter than I thought it would be.

の

Jiraya raised four slips of paper, held between each of his fingers. "This paper is special," he explained. "It comes straight from the Land of Fire. Expose it to chakra and it'll tell you what your elemental affinity is."

He lowered his hand and each of us took a slip.

I rubbed my thumb over it. "Naga?" I asked. "Where's the Land of Fire?"

Jiraya's smile fell.

Naga's eyes widened and his gaze shot down to his own slip. "I don't—"

"East," Yahiko provided. "That's all I know."

Naga looked grateful.

"We're just about equal now," Yahiko began. "I can't call you an employee anymore."

"Just about?" Konan asked, eyebrow raised.

"We have to cover for each other, as co-bosses," he went on, ignoring Konan. "You know lots of stuff I don't, and I know lots of stuff you don't. One day, when I need help with medical stuff, you'll be there to cover for me."

Naga nodded. "Right."

"And stop blaming yourself for everything," Konan admonished. "You used to do it before, but it got way worse after the attack. Missing Oka's birthday, not being able to do things like you used to—none of that is your fault."

Naga ducked his head. "I know," he said quietly.

"And that!"

His head jerked up as Konan approached.

She stopped in front of him, hands on her hips. "How are you going to stand beside Yahiko as an equal if you can't look anyone in the eye?"

Naga's eyes widened.

"No one will take us seriously," she chastised. "So from now on, you're not doing that anymore," she said, poking his chest. "Got it, mister?"

"Tsuna would be proud of you," Jiraya snorted. "You sound just like her."

Red tinted Konan's cheeks, but she didn't look away from Naga.

"I got it," Naga said, head bobbing up and down.

"Do you?" she asked, poking him harder.

"I do," he said meekly, laughter in his voice.

Konan looked him up and down, then returned to her spot on Yahiko's other side.

I looked up at Naga. "Is Konan a grown-up now?"

"I don't know," he said. He sounded mystified.

Jiraya cleared his throat, and all four of us turned to look at him. He was sitting on the ground, holding a kunai, dirt covering the tip. He'd drawn groups of squiggly lines in the ground.

"Gather around," he said, beckoning us forward. "If you're going to make good on your promise to end the war, having knowledge of other countries is important. Lucky for you, you've got a spymaster for a sensei."

"Spymaster?" Konan asked.

"Long story short, I know everything about everyone," Jiraya explained with a wink.

"You didn't know about us before you came here," Yahiko pointed out.

Jiraya gave him a flat look. "I can still erase this," he warned.

I knelt at the edge of the drawing while Yahiko apologized. Each group had a symbol in the middle. I only recognized one, sandwiched between a swirly emblem, one that looked like a group of rocks, and another that looked like an hourglass. It had four lines. Amegakure.

"It's a map," Naga explained. He pointed to the swirly symbol. "That's the Land of Fire, I think."

"No, that's the Land of Fire," Jiraya said, gesturing to the character beside the symbol. "That one represents Konohagakure, where I'm from."

I leaned in, as if I could get a glimpse of Jiraya's home if I was close enough. "Is there a sun?"

Jiraya seemed taken aback for a moment. Then he sighed. "There is. It's sunny almost all the time."

I stared at Jiraya. "Really?"

He looked uncomfortable. "Yes, of course. I wouldn't lie about that."

"That's not why she asked," Yahiko said, inspecting another symbol with four lines, except they were diagonal. "Now she's fixated on visiting that place."

I would. I would visit this place with the constant sun, as soon as I could. Did they wish for rain like we wished for the sun?

"Let's do this first," Konan said, holding her slip up.

I looked down, at the slip sitting forgotten between my thumb and forefinger.

"What's stopping you—"

"At the same time," she interrupted Yahiko.

Naga stood. "Okay," he said.

Konan looked at Yahiko, then me.

I sat back and held my paper out. "Okay!"

"You're lucky I didn't do it already," he said, nudging Konan.

She stuck her tongue out at him, then held her paper close to mine. Naga's was between ours, and Yahiko's on the other side.

"On three!" she said. "One, two, three!"

Konan gasped as her paper split in half.

Yahiko yelped, shaking soggy pieces off his hand.

Naga stared at the half still in his hand, the other half fluttering to the ground.

And I watched my paper crumble, leaving behind bits of dirt on my fingertips.

世界

I laid on my stomach on the surface of the lake, chin propped on my hands. Silver-green fish swam back and forth below me. They had bodies the color of moss, and scales that looked like the clouds early in the afternoon.

It was bigger than the pond we used to practice water-walking, there was grass instead of sand, and a cliff created an overhang for Jiraya to sit under.

"Today," Jiraya announced. "You're going to work on your reflexes, and your ability to anticipate the moves of your opponent. And to do that, we're going to have a little competition." He grinned. "You're going to catch fish."

Yahiko crouched at that, flipping the kunai in his hand so the point faced the water.

"To win, either catch one big fish, or three small fish. Your prize is…" he trailed off.

"A jutsu?" Yahiko asked.

"New clothes?" Konan hoped.

I looked over my shirt. The edges were frayed, with threads skimming the water. Still, I didn't want to get rid of it. There was a rip in the shoulder, where Chibi had bitten it.

It was all I had left to remember him by.

"Close," Jiraya said to Yahiko. "It's not the jutsu you want, but I'll teach you a jutsu. The substitution jutsu. It's less advanced than what you've been doing, but no less important."

Yahiko didn't look happy, but nodded.

Jiraya raised an eyebrow. "What? No objections?"

"If you want us to learn it, it must be important," Yahiko said. "Yeah, I wanted to skip steps before, but now I know it would've taken way longer to get this far if I did. Tsunade-sensei was right," he admitted. "Walk first, run later."

Konan leaned close to me. "You hear that, Oka? Even Yahiko knows how important it is to take things slow."

I stuck my tongue out, but it only made her smile.

"I'm that one that's your sensei, but she's had more of an impact than me," Jiraya lamented. "I taught you plenty of life-lessons. Better ones."

"Hmm," Konan rubbed her chin. "You did teach us to throw kunai, sensei."

"Not a life-lesson, but I'll take it."

"It's a lesson we're using in life," Konan said back.

"No, see, a life-lesson is one that sticks in the head of the protagonist. It's supposed to change their entire outlook on life—"

"Teaching us to throw kunai changed how we look at life," Konan countered.

Jiraya stared at her, hands frozen mid-gesture. "It's not a physical thing you learn," he tried. "A life-lesson sticks to the soul. It's passed on from generation to generation—"

Konan held up her kunai. "And we won't pass this on?"

"How much time have you been spending with Tsunade, exactly?" Jiraya asked flatly.

"Caught a fish," Yahiko said, a small, limp fish stuck on the end of his kunai.

"What?" Konan spun. "Cheater!" she spluttered.

"He never said we had to wait for him to say go," Yahiko smiled. "Only losers play fair."

Konan's fist clenched. "Just you wait," she grumbled, focusing on the pond.

"This competition applies to you too, Oka."

I looked up. The fish were gathered in clusters below me, scared from all the noise Konan made and the splashes of kunai hitting the water. It was a silver-green kaleidoscope and one of the prettiest things I'd ever seen, second only to Mama's hair.

"I know," I said. I got up and walked off the lake. "Do lots of people have red-hair in Konoha?"

Jiraya blinked. "Only one person that I know of. Why?"

It didn't feel right, telling him about Mama. "I wish I had red hair," I told him.

Jiraya's eyes moved up to my raven locks. He didn't seem to know what to say to that. "You should still practice," he advised. "Even if you don't want to win."

"What's the substitution jutsu?" I asked.

Jiraya winced. "The others already knew, so I just assumed…" he trailed off with a shake of his head. "It lets you do this." He pressed his fingers together and disappeared in a puff of smoke. When it cleared, a frog-shaped statue sat in his place.

"Over here, Oka!"

I tilted my head back. Jiraya was perched at the top of the cliff, striking a pose. He grinned. "I'm amazing, right?"

I ran my thumb over the frog's head. It was solid, real. "Chakra did that?" I asked him.

Jiraya hopped down, landing on the grass in front of me. "I shouldn't be surprised you still don't have a firm grasp on what chakra is," he said. "Now, what kind of sensei would I be if I didn't help you fill in the gaps?" He plopped down. "Alright, sit. You and I are going to have a little chat about chakra."

I sat, pulling the frog statue into my lap. "I know what chakra is," I grumbled.

He leaned back. "Then explain it to me."

I made a face. "I can use it to water-walk," I said. "And push it around to my hands and feet."

"That's what you can do with it," he agreed. "But not what it is. What's physical energy?"

I frowned. I turned the frog statue around and didn't answer.

"Spiritual energy?"

"I have too much of it," I mumbled.

"That you do," Jiraya nodded. "But what is it?"

I squeezed the statue between my hands. "I don't need to know what it is," I said. "Only how to use it."

"Ah, and there lies the problem," Jiraya said. "That's not normal."

I blinked.

"You mastered water-walking around the same time as Konan, didn't you?" he mused. "Even though you started after her, are much younger, and don't have a great understanding of what chakra is in the first place."

"Yahiko did it before me," I said.

"It's different for him," Jiraya dismissed. "He understands chakra. In fact, he has a better grasp on it than most adults. That's why he's so advanced."

"Did I do something bad?" I asked.

"Bad? No," Jiraya laughed. "I'm just trying to figure something out, that's all."

"About me?"

"There are people in this world who take to chakra like a duck taking to water," he explained. "Those people are called prodigies, but I suspect you aren't one. The others are prodigies," he said, gesturing to Yahiko and Konan. "But none of them have the amount of spiritual chakra you do. I think something different is happening."

"Bad different?"

"Not bad or good," Jiraya said. "Just different. The way you build spiritual chakra is through knowledge and experience. By practicing water-walking until you mastered it, you increased your spiritual chakra. Nagato is increasing his spiritual chakra by studying medical techniques as we speak."

I looked back. Konan dropped a fish on the grass and ran back onto the pond. Off to the side were two other fish. Yahiko's.

"Who am I kidding?" Jiraya asked himself. "You're not understanding any of this, are you?"

"Spiritual chakra comes from practice," I parroted back at him. "And water-walking gave me some."

"You already had some," Jiraya pointed out.

"A little added to a lot," I said.

"Anything before that?"

I made another face. "I'm not in trouble," I mumbled.

Jiraya shook his head. "Just as I thought. Well, the question I was trying to get to is this: if you never knew about chakra or used it before you met me, how do you think you had so much spiritual chakra built up without training?"

"I don't know."

"Exactly right," Jiraya said. "You know what that means? You're pretty special, kid."

Was I?

I waited, as if the feeling would appear in my head, like it had been there all along. What did it feel like, to be special?

Jiraya leaned forward. "Now, this next part, keep it between us, okay?"

"I can't," I said. I wouldn't lie. Not to Konan, Yahiko, or Naga.

"Alright, alright," Jiraya relented, "Tell them, if they ask. But if they don't, stay quiet."

Was that still a lie? I hesitated before nodding.

Jiraya held his hands up. "Copy everything that I do," he said. He twisted his fingers together. "This is the Tiger seal. It's the first hand-seal for the substitution jutsu."

I stared at him. "But I didn't win."

Jiraya winked. "That's why it's a secret," he said. "Hand-seals are the basis for all jutsu. They help you mold your chakra into a different nature, whether it be elemental or yin-yang. You following?"

I thought so. I lifted my hands and mimicked him, but it was hard to keep my thumbs straight, and harder still to keep my fingers bent.

"Cheaters always lose," Konan said behind me.

I dropped my hands, guilty without knowing why.

"You sure are confident when I let you win," Yahiko said.

I turned. Konan held three small fish in Yahiko's face. Yahiko only had two.

"You didn't," she protested, lowering the fish. "I won, fair and square!"

"I wasn't going to tell you," Yahiko said solemnly. "But I had to, for your health. Gloating causes dehydration, you know."

Konan stared at him. "It does not."

"That was fast, huh?" Jiraya asked, pushing himself to his feet. "Looks like I should've given you more tasks. But you've been quite the help, catching us dinner so I don't have to."

"You made us do this so you could slack off?" Konan demanded.

"The loser," he drawled, ignoring her outrage. "Has to clean and cook what we eat for the rest of the week."

He turned his gaze to Yahiko, who closed his eyes. "Konan," he said, slowly. "I'm never letting you win anything ever again."

A/N: トップ - Top, の - Of, 世界 - The World