CHAPTER 7.

This next chapter has a bit of a time jump, we are jumping 1 week ahead.

One week later.

"So how's it been going?" Amelia asked Carina. They were sitting at a deli nearby the hospital for lunch. Between them sat a salad bowl to share and two sandwiches.

Carina sighed, she always felt tired when they went for her daily hospital break, like her body was able to feel its own emotion again.

"It's hard. Maya is doing well in PT, she is physically doing well. Bailey thinks she will be discharged soon," She picked at the bread of her sandwich, not having much of an appetite.

Amelia nodded, mouthful of sourdough, pastrami, cheese and sun dried tomatoes, "But?"

"Mentally I do not know. She has meetings with her psychologist twice a week, and afterwards is too tired to talk to me so pretends to sleep. I want to help but," Feeling the emotions rising too high, Carina stopped, shrugging her shoulders and putting food in her mouth. It was more to give herself an excuse from explaining further.

"She'll get there, it's easier to heal a body than a brain," Amelia smiled encouragingly, she placed her cup down, "At least she is talking."

Carina nodded, trying to not be hurt that Maya had chosen someone else to confide in. "I just wish she wanted to talk to me. She never talks to me about hard stuff," She raised her hands in exasperation, "It's like she doesn't trust me to know hard things."

Amelia could see where Carina was coming from, her mind drew back to her own past. Of locking people out. Of closing doors and putting up walls. Her hand slid across and held Carina's, "Let's focus on the fact she's talking, that's the best start there could be."

19.

Carina returned to Grey Sloan in time for the end of Maya's physiotherapist session. She was having them once a day, alternating between 30 minutes and 1 hour. Initially Maya hadn't wanted her wife present for them at all, but had worked with Diane to start to believe that Carina wouldn't love her less for seeing her struggle. Now Maya was insistent that Carina would go about her schedule and not adjust anything for her, giving her a sense of independence, something she craved. Carina entered as Maya stood, a child's soft toy in her hand and two more on the ground, she was clearly working on picking things up.

Carina slid the door closed quietly behind her, smiling at Maya, who gave her a concentrated nod, her PT standing in front, hands ready to offer support.

Glancing at the time Carina asked, "Is this the last activity?" She put her bag on a spare seat and leant against the wall, facing Maya.

"Sure is, she's really pushed herself today," her PT replied. Today's 1 hour session was more focused on overall mobility and strength, and was done with a therapist called Connor. Connor's background was in rehabilitation of veterans, but after 9/11 had pivoted to focus more on first responders. His goal was that Maya was strong. The shorter sessions were instead focused on functional mobility, centred around daily tasks such as toileting and showering. Her PT for those was called Ruth. Ruth was younger than Maya, and very encouraging and kind, sometimes making Bishop feel patronised. She preferred Connor. She preferred focusing on getting stronger.

Carina smiled and nodded "Maya Bishop, always pushing herself." She teased, but it was one of Maya's greatest strengths, and occasionally weaknesses.

Maya glanced at her wife and gave a quick smile, before slowly bending at the knees and lowering herself to pick up the second toy. Her back remained straight so as to keep her, still bandaged, abdomen from moving too much. She had discovered when the pain medication dosages were reduced that she must have injured her left hamstring while escaping, so was also favouring that leg somewhat.

As she rose from retrieving the final object there was a loud crash outside the room, Carina saw an intern frantically picking up a metal implement tray and trolley that had been knocked over. It gave her a small fright, but it caused Maya to pull back and stumble, partially due to her bad leg being quickly weighted, partially due to her moving too fast for her injuries. Her foot awkwardly caught the wheel of her bed, Conner quickly stepped forward to catch her, one arm under her armpit, holding her wrist with his other hand.

For Bishop everything went black, suddenly she was tied down and fleeing at the same time. Hands lunged at her and her stomach ached. Had she been kicked again? Her breath condensed and couldn't get past her chest, her diaphragm closing in on itself. Her feet couldn't move. Were they tied together again? She pressed herself into the ground, if she stood she would be hurt. The floor was cold against her cheek.

Cold floor.

A piece of grit pressed into her knee.

"No you're fine, I'll deal with this."

Carina.

Slowly the world came back into focus.

Maya found herself curled up in a foetal position underneath her bed, hands cupping her ears. Carina lay on her side, facing her, but just out of reach, with a serious, concerned expression. She glanced around from her vantage point and saw no other feet in the room, guessing that meant Connor had left. Her thoughts felt scattered and incomplete, unable to create full shape.

"Hey," Carina quietly said, the only indication of her nerves was her tell-tale lip bite.

Maya didn't reply properly, "Mhmm." She felt exhausted and drained, her body melting into the floor. She noticed her sneakers had been pulled off her feet and lay to the side.

Carina spoke again in the same tone, "Want to get up now?"

Unable to find her feelings Maya just shrugged.

Nodding, Carina just lay near her, also welcoming the cool, calming sensation of the hospital floor. They lay in silence for a few minutes, Maya averting eye contact, Carina watching her wife's breathing become slow and steady.

After deciding it had been enough time Carina spoke, "Right, time to get up, I need to check you haven't hurt yourself." It was a matter-of-fact statement. She sat up and held a hand out for Maya, who eyed it carefully and did not take it, tentatively pulling herself into a seated position, wincing slightly. She hadn't had to get up off the ground unassisted at PT yet, and wasn't quite sure how to, her body still feeling foreign.

Carina stood, realising the issue and firmly stated, "I can either help you up by holding your elbow and your armpit, or I can call for a nurse, which would you prefer?" She briefly felt cruel for forcing this, but also knew this was the right thing to do.

Maya could barely stomach her wife holding her like that, let alone a stranger, a slightly bent arm twitched in Carina's direction.

Carina assessed her quickly, there was still a thin bandage over her incision site on her abdomen, which showed no new trauma, as did the healing scab on the base of her scalp. Carina then offered a thick, soft blanket that had been brought to the hospital from their home. She did not move to put it over Maya, instead letting her wife take it from her and snuggle down underneath it till just her face was exposed.

"There," Carina said, stepping back once she was happy Bishop was sorted, she pointed towards the light switch, "Do you want them dimmed?"

Maya didn't reply, instead had turned away to face down towards the blanket, obscuring the world from her.

Carina was torn from breaking her from her own chosen comfort and making sure she stayed within her reality, or try to coax her back into everyone else's. Noticing there were still her physiotherapist's gear scattered on the floor she sighed and began tidying it all up. Once that was done she sent Andy a quick text, asking if she could come sit with Maya, while she tried to organise some stuff, adding that things weren't very good at the moment. Glad for an instant reply of 'ETA 10 mins' she dimmed the lights and sat down to wait.

19.

Andy was tidying up at the station when she got the message from Carina. She wasn't rostered on officially, but everyone from A shift had taken on an extra 2 hours during the week of just organising things, checking gear, making sure there was food, things that can easily get missed when they were a team member down. They could take their 2 hours whenever they liked, and Andy quite enjoyed the freedom of the system. It was something she added to her 'Captains' journal, notes she would take of learnings she could implement when she became Captain. The freedom also meant she was more available to go and see Bishop. She had felt a little bad for not visiting more often, but hospital schedules were quite tight, and Andy didn't want to feel like she was imposing. It was probably something she wanted to talk about with the Bishop-De Luca's.

Rounding the corner towards her friend's room she saw Carina leaning against the wall outside the door.

Only aware that things 'weren't good', she asked, "Hey, what's going on?" Her instinct was to give Carina a hug, but wasn't sure that was what was wanted.

Carina gave a stiff sigh, "Can you sit with Maya? I, ah," She blinked away the rising emotion, "I need a break."

Not wanting to probe, Andy just quickly nodded, "Yeah sure, anything you need," By the time she had opened the door Carina had left. It struck Andy as out of character for the pair to not lean on each other, but she knew the past 2 weeks had been a lot for Carina, and respected her choice to take some time.

The room was dimly lit, with the main light coming from the few monitors that were still attached to Maya when she was in bed. There was a tall bundle of blanket, and a small amount of blond poking out the top. The whiteboard that hung on the wall next to the door with Maya's schedule showed she had just had her physiotherapy.

"Hey Maya, it's Andy," With no response she added, "I'm going to sit with you for a bit." Arriving bedside she pulled a chair over and sat down. The fluffy blanket obscuring her friend's face.

"Pru was in at the station yesterday," She began, hoping a story of everyone's favourite future firefighter would help Maya's spirits. "I think Joey, or Tuck, or Jack, probably Jack, someone has taught her to say 'stinkin'". She grinned, hoping the joy the toddler brought would come through in her voice. "So she was running around the beanery and bays calling everyone a stinkin' officer, it was hilarious. Warren was so embarrassed."

The blanket moved and Maya's hand appeared, extended, asking to be held. The fingers felt cold, held between Andy's warmth. Nothing else was said. Silent support.

19.

Teddy Altman was in her office, desperately trying to capitalise on a quiet day, without any emergent cases, to get some paperwork done. She had some quiet jazz playing, something she found helped her focus. She wasn't expecting any visitors, and was surprised when an upset Carina stepped into her office.

"Oh, Carina, hi, is this an emergency? I have a bunch of-" She began.

"Did you have bad days after the wars?" Carina bluntly interrupted, she was feeling stressed and on edge, not entirely sure how to ask what she wanted to. Her tired brain wishing someone else in the hospital spoke Italian.

Teddy paused, "After Iraq you mean?"

"Mhm, si."

"Like adjusting to being a civilian again or-"

Carina sharply shook her head, "Si, no, ah, Maya just, comme posso dire, ah, Inglese Carina," She could feel herself spiralling, now suddenly not even sure why she had come to see Altman. They were friends, but not particularly close in a vulnerability sense. She motioned back to the door and took a step to leave, "Sorry I-"

Teddy quickly stood, coming around her desk to guide Carina to the couch, handing her a cup of water. Once that was drunk she asked, in a calm, clear tone, "Carina, what happened?"

After a deep breath she replied, "Maya was doing her physiotherapy and got a fright, she tripped and the PT half grabbed her, but it was like she was gone. She hit herself on her bed handles, she was terrified. She was under her bed, I tried to help her get out and she kicked out at me, saying she couldn't get up, she had to stay down. It was awful." The emotion that had been barred from showing, now began to escape, trickling down her cheeks and catching in their throat.

Teddy let her say everything, sitting close to her on the couch. "She had a flashback," She finally said.

Carina sniffled, "She thought she was back there."

"To her, she was. A flashback is just that. Everything around you is gone and you relive the experience again and again till something brings you out." At this stage she wasn't talking about anyone other than herself. Of helicopters, fireworks and sirens. Of nights spent awake and days spent isolated.

Leaning against Teddy, Carina sighed, fiddling with a tissue, "I don't know how to help her."

"It does get better. It isn't linear, but it does get better."

"How did you get better?"

Teddy thought about her own, lonely battle, after pushing away people who she should've let in. Not sure how to reply she instead said, "Be there for her, in any way she can have you. If you know her triggers don't avoid them entirely, talk about them." Teddy remembered one evening, after nights of not sleeping, she went and bought fireworks. The colours burst in the sky, the noise crashing around her. She did it every night until they became fireworks, not bombs. It didn't make others setting them off much easier for her, but it did help. Taking her own fears into her hands.

Carina nodded, feeling guilty for not staying with her wife, to coax her back to reality herself.

"Is she seeing a psychiatrist?"

"Mhm, si, Diane from the fire department, she's very good. They have a session tomorrow."

"You should tell her about this so they can talk about it, work through it, I'm sure she's not the first firefighter to have PTSD."

'PTSD'. Carina agreed with the assumed diagnosis, but it still stabbed to know. Her wife had been through trauma. "I can call her now," She stood, patting her hands on her legs as she did.

As she got to the door Teddy added, "Carina, you are her safe place, so look after yourself." Carina smiled a silent thank you as she left. Teddy leant back on her couch, lost in thought.

19.

Andy was still holding Maya's hand when Carina got back. She hadn't spoken, but had squeezed Andy's hand back at one stage. Herrera hadn't pushed anything, content for now to just sit with her friend who needed it. She filled Bishop in on everything happening at the station, of Beckett's sour moods, of Travis arriving with a hickey on his neck and refusing to acknowledge it, of Ruiz finding a live mouse and squealing at the highest pitch, she left out how when she walked into the room she also squealed equally high. Now they were just sitting in the quiet, Andy enjoying some rest. She looked up as Carina entered, leaning forward and quietly telling Maya her wife was back.

A squeeze goodbye.

In the doorway Andy asked, "Everything ok?" It felt like a stupid question, but she didn't know how else to word it.

Carina half nodded, half shook her head, "Maya had a flashback earlier, it was bad."

Andy folded her arms, glancing towards her friend, "She didn't speak to me."

"Thanks for coming," Carina forced a smile.

As Andy stepped through the door she stopped and turned back, "Hey I could ask Gibson to come visit, I think he would be good with this. In fact he's probably free now, we're off today."

Carina wanted Maya all to herself at that moment, but remembered her conversation with Jack after Andy had been assaulted. Them both bonding over shared experiences. "Thanks Andy, I will send him a message."

"Sure, we're all here for you both."

"Hey bambina," She quietly said as she sat in the seat Andy had been in. She had seen they were holding hands, but now all of Maya was firmly underneath the blanket. She quickly sent Jack a text who said he could be there in 30 minutes. Carina then sent a message to Diane, explaining what had happened, who said she would discuss it with Maya tomorrow. Leaning back into her chair, feet tucked under her, she sighed, a feeling of helplessness settling in.

19.

"I was tied up when I was a kid," Jack announced. He was leaning against Maya's bed, looking down at her. Her eyes were half open, unfocused, not really seeing. Carina had left, been sent by Jack, to go have a shower. To leave him alone with Bishop.

"Yeah, see I was maybe 8 or 9? I was really angry, I didn't want a family, they weren't for me. I wasn't meant to have one. So I would get up at night and break things around the house. Plates, cups, bowls, toys, I would just destroy the place." He cleared his throat, these were not times he enjoyed talking about.

"So, one night when I was going to bed my foster dad, he ah, he followed me up there and," He scratched the back of his head anxiously, "He tied me to the bed by my wrists. Said it was his job to protect his house. It happened every night for months, I think that's why my head's a weird shape, from sleeping on my back," He half joked. Glancing down at Bishop he saw she was looking back at him, with serious eyes.

"Then one evening before going to bed I knocked over their toddler, it was an accident but he flipped, dragged me upstairs, tied me to the bed, and ah, yeah, did things to me," He rubbed his eyes with sweaty hands. "It kinda messed me up. Like I guess I forgot about, repressed the memories, but one time with Eva she, I don't know, kinda went to hold me down, and I freaked out."

Maya lifted her chin, tucking some blanket away from her face.

"That and the whole handcuff thing," His cheeks flushed slightly with embarrassment, remembering how the team had to cut him free of being handcuffed to the bed, "That wasn't the best for me."

Maya moved her head slightly, to better see Jack, who continued, "It took a few sessions with Diane to figure out what that was all about. Flashbacks, PTSD, they're all part of it. You learn what your triggers are and how to get back."

"What are your triggers?" The voice came out small and uncertain, as if Maya wasn't even sure her voice would work.

Jack, in classic fashion, pretended she said it with full confidence, "Mine? Ah I don't like when people lie on top of me, or when a bed has those high frames, or plates breaking. What about you?"

Maya half shrugged, revealing more of her from under the blanket, "People holding my wrists." Her eyes moved to her hands, which were tucked up close to her chest.

Nodding in agreement Gibson replied, "Oh yeah, that too, I hate that."

In finding someone with a shared experience Maya lightly smiled, "Thanks Jack."

He gave a cocky smile, then a genuine one, "Anytime, just don't do the quiet thing, that's my thing." He stood, grabbing a cup of water, downing one, he refilled it and offered it to Maya, who shook her head.

"Not a question," He insisted, forcing her from her blanket nest. She gave an annoyed smirk, rolling her eyes to carefully sit up and take the cup.

At that moment Carina entered, hair still a little damp from her shower. She still had a concerned expression.

"That's my cue," Jack grinned, turning back to Bishop he asked, "What did we learn?"

Maya still didn't really want to talk but replied regardless, "Triggers."

Doing an exaggerated hand gesture he probed, "And what are yours?"

Bishop raised her hands slightly, "My wrists," She lacked confidence to look at Carina, even though she knew she was being asked for her wife's benefit.

"My work here is done," Gibson smirked, needing to inject humour to lift his own spirits, "I'll see you soon, text if you need me." As he passed Carina she mouthed 'Thank you' to which he shrugged. Upon exiting the hospital he would either need a hard gym session or a run to wash these dredged emotions off him, but he felt it was worth it.

Carina sat next to Maya, who gazed up at her with a sad expression.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I'm sorry I-" Maya began.

"No, it's ok bella," Carina interrupted. "What do you need?"

"Can you hold me?" The request surprised even Maya, but she felt empty and alone. Carina tucked herself in next to her wife, offering as much support as she could.

"Insieme," She quietly said.

"Hmm?" Maya asked, sounding sleepy.

"Together, we'll do this together bambina." A quick kiss to the head was enough to send Maya to sleep.

19.

And there's chapter 7! Pretty happy with this one, feel free to leave a review with your thoughts :)