Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer

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Where the Lines Overlap

Season 2 - Looking Up

Emergency

I squeezed my eyes shut and exhaled, feeling horrible. I wondered if I was being overdramatic about all of it. Maybe I was. Who was I to judge my boyfriend for enjoying the fact that another boy clearly wanted him? I was hiding something far worse—the fact that I had a crush on a girl I barely knew.

"Say something." Bella's whisper was even quieter than our whole conversation.

I exhaled again, slower, wiping my eyes with the back of my free hand. It didn't stop the streaming tears that had been sliding continuously since I closed my room door, and I was sure they wouldn't stop for some time until I found a way to swallow all that down.

Bella did what she did best as the perfect best friend and confidant she was—she had spent the last twenty-something minutes listening carefully as I unburdened, asking the right questions at the right times, and then, when I had nothing more to say, she let me be silent and waited.

Of course, when I took too long to say something else, she encouraged me.

"I don't know what to do…" Even my murmur was broken. "I can't understand why he would act that way if he weren't interested in the guy, Bella."

"Jay, Edward loves you."

"I know, and I don't doubt it for a second. But he spent a long time holding back who he really is. Maybe…" My breath was tremulous. "Maybe he needs to explore or something…"

She scoffed. "He's not an adolescent anymore, Jay."

"He isn't, but when he was, he thought he was straight. All his experiences were with girls. But he's not straight; he's gay. And it hasn't been that long since he accepted this truth about himself." I sighed, trying not to focus on the pain in my chest. "I don't even know exactly when this happened. He never actually told me explicitly; I just understood. I can read him pretty well." I shrugged, even though she couldn't see it. "So, he's never had the chance to really navigate. I'm the first guy he's ever had anything with. I don't know…"

"You think this could be some kind of subconscious, involuntary need to test and explore his sexuality?"

"I really don't know. Maybe it is. Maybe he needs to feel wanted by other guys to reassure himself. I have no idea. I'm just trying really hard to put myself in his shoes, but it's fucking hard."

"Do you believe he could… cheat on you?" she asked cautiously.

"I'm sure he would try pretty hard not to…" I felt as if my heart was shrinking. "But I don't know to what extent he could restrain himself if there were a real opportunity. After what I saw today, I'm completely uncertain about his attitudes and reactions."

"I doubt he would put your relationship at risk. You two went through a lot to be able to be together. Why would he jeopardize something you both struggled so much to have?"

"I'm questioning myself about the same thing… but the thing is… sometimes it just happens, and you can't control it."

Bella was silent for almost a minute.

"Are you still talking about Edward? Or are you talking about yourself now?"

It was my turn to be silent, assimilating what was true.

"Maybe a little about both…? I admit I'm afraid of the way Allegra makes me feel. But that's why I've kept my distance, to avoid any situation that may lead to something. I won't let anything happen. I won't allow myself to give in."

"So you can see this is potentially more than a simple crush…" She was cautious, trying not to push me but eliciting my honesty.

I didn't want to, but I took a moment to rationalize it.

"I don't know what it is… I just feel… a spark. It's… odd. Whenever she's around, I feel warmer. And her reactions bring something out in me…"

"How so?"

"Like, when she smiles and I can't help but smile back, and when she laughs, I feel like laughing too. It's subtle, though, and it's nothing sexual or passionate. It's just…" I heaved a sigh. Admitting all that was pretty hard. Until that very moment, I hadn't even admitted it to myself. "I know that if I didn't love Edward or weren't with him, something would be unfolding between us."

"Do you want something to unfold between you and her?"

"No," I stated firmly, certain of my will. "I love Edward. He's who I want. There's no shadow of doubt in my heart or mind about this. But I can't deny that I feel attracted to her."

"So, what are you gonna do?"

"Besides keeping myself in check… I think it's time I tell him the truth." My mind was settled. "I'll be honest with him, and I'll ask him to be honest with me."

"But Jay, aren't you afraid that once you give him the confirmation, he'll be hurt enough to act a little recklessly?"

"I am, but that's a possibility I'll have to handle… I can't keep hiding things from him. It makes me feel terrible, as if I'm being disloyal… And I don't want him to do this to me, either. I prefer to know everything. At least this way, I'll know what I'm up against, and I'll be able to fight." I was breathless again. "I want us to be like we used to, Bella. We used to share everything, even when it was hard. Despite those two times we chose to omit what was going on, Edward and I have always talked about every single thing. We didn't have secrets, and that was why we trusted each other so much, because our relationship was built on complete honesty. I want that back. We need that back."

"Do you really believe something's going on?"

"I do."

"Why?"

"Because I know him. I can feel this is some sort of reaction. He hasn't been acting fully like himself. This omission, the way he was talking to that guy…" I heaved a weighted breath. "I just need to find out what he's reacting to…"

We heaved a sigh simultaneously.

"When are you gonna talk to him?" Bella asked softly.

I took a deep breath, brought my bent legs closer to my chest, and closed my eyes.

"As soon as he gets home."

"Maybe you should talk to Esme." It sounded like an afterthought.

"Esme? Why?"

"Besides the fact that she understands people's behavior as a psychologist, she's Edward's mother and loves you. She'll definitely be able to help somehow."

"That's actually a good idea."

Bella didn't say anything for a moment, so I wasn't sure if she had heard me. But after a deep sigh, she spoke very quietly.

"Jay… what if he does cheat on you…?"

I knew the answer to that even though I'd never considered the possibility until then.

"It will hurt like hell, I'm certain of it. But…"

"You'll forgive him." She completed my sentence before I could, her tone so sure it was a bit grave.

"I will," I admitted.

My head bowed involuntarily as I closed my eyes. That was the absolute truth. Even if he did that to me, to us, I would fight to keep him with me… it would be a very weak attitude on my part… but I couldn't live without him. I knew I couldn't.

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Half an hour after hanging up my call with Bella, I was waiting for another call to be answered. I knew this wouldn't be embarrassing or difficult. Given the relationship I had built with Esme over the years that I knew the Cullens and practically lived at their house, she was like a mother to me too. We were not as close as I was to Carlisle, but we'd had our moments, moments when she advised me and guided me through stuff. It was never something really grave or important—the one person that I would share my most intimate secrets and problems and doubts with had always been Edward—but I confided in her several times, so I knew she would be more than willing to help, especially when it was something related to her son.

"Hello, Jay! So good to hear from you, dear!"

"Hey, Missus C… Good to be talking to you too," I replied with a smile. "Can we talk? It's something… a bit sensitive."

"Of course, dear! I'm listening."

I told her what I saw and a bit about what was going on between us—of course, I didn't give her all the details about me, but I think she got the picture. And I discussed my impressions, thoughts, and conclusions with her and waited.

After almost a minute, she replied.

"You are right to think that maybe he needs some kind of reassurance regarding his sexuality," she said seriously, but in a soft motherly tone. "It's possible that this is a reaction not only to his recent acceptance of his true self, but also to your position regarding your sexuality, Jay. You see, he's just internalized that he really is gay. He's not just in love with his male best friend; he likes men. This is part of who he is, part of his identity. And to be in love with someone who's not like him is bound to elicit a lot of insecurity, not only about your relationship but also about himself. So, he's dating a boy who is not gay. What does that say about him? I agree with you, labels do not make a difference as long as you two really love each other, but his subconscious is still working out what he's supposed to be like, how he's supposed to behave. Are you following? Deep down his mind is questioning this paradox.

He's asking, 'How can he be in love with me, a boy, when he is not gay, when he doesn't like boys? How reliable are his feelings?'

As a consequence, he's insecure about you and himself. He needs you to reassure him of your love and commitment. So anything you do, or don't do, matters much more, and affects him far more than it would if the situation were different. He also needs another type of reassurance. He needs to feel admired and wanted; it will reaffirm who he is. But that is the tricky part. He needs this to come not from you, but from other boys—gay boys. Like him. So, involuntarily, he will seek out others like him.

What's happening to you seems very similar to what's happening to him, actually. You are both trying to reaffirm to yourselves that, despite being in love with each other, which puts in doubt both your identities, you are still who you essentially are. Do you get what I mean?"

Surprisingly, I got it. It seemed pretty confusing in the beginning, but once our conversation developed and I asked all the thousands of questions that came up, I was able to understand perfectly. And it made total sense.

We were young adults, still figuring out life and ourselves. It was obvious that we needed reassurances all the time, 'cause we were basically building our characters and defining who we really were, at the same time that we were trying to build a relationship that, truthfully, was our first real one.

The whole situation we'd gotten ourselves into was complex. We were trying to be together when both of us didn't comprehend much of how a serious relationship worked. We were finding out as we went, and simultaneously, we were trying to define ourselves.

This notion put me completely into pensive mode because there was something else I hadn't thought about until then. I needed to figure out what my identity was.

I knew I didn't like boys. I had already tested myself at every opportunity I got. I had tried to look at other guys and see if I would find them attractive. I had tried to imagine myself kissing, making out, and even having sex with another guy. I had watched some gay porn on the internet. All dead-ends. I had zero reaction. None of it threw me off, but it did nothing for me either.

I also tried the opposite. I found out that a lot of girls seemed attractive to me. But then, there was a catch—when I thought about kissing, making out, and having sex with a girl, I felt guilty. I watched regular porn, and… I didn't get aroused at all. I actually felt fully regretful.

And then I realized that the only person who aroused me was… Edward. So I wasn't into boys, and it seemed that, even though I still found them attractive, even though I was feeling attracted to Allegra, I wasn't into girls either… I was solely into my boyfriend. But what did it mean?

I didn't know how to define myself… I didn't know how I would do it. But I knew what I wanted, I knew what was essential for me to be whatever I was or would become. It was set in stone, engraved in my heart, and I would do anything to keep it—the essence of my existence.

Edward.

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Time dragged by as I waited for Edward to come home. Once again, he was late, and despite my attempts to distract myself, my mind kept drifting back to the conversation I needed to have with him.

Finally, I felt his presence. I knew he was about to arrive. Sure enough, just a couple of minutes passed before I heard the familiar sound of his keys in the lock and the door opening. My heart raced, and I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the confrontation.

My emotions suddenly oscillated, first to anger, then abruptly to deep sadness. I didn't acknowledge him. I remained completely still in the armchair by the window, with my arms wrapped around my bent legs, chin resting on my knees, and eyes fixed on a random spot ahead, looking out through the glass, far away outside...

"You're home early," he said cautiously.

I didn't say anything, I didn't move. I just stood there as I heard him getting closer.

Edward stopped right in front of me and crouched down, looking into my eyes.

"Hey…" His voice was soft, almost tentative.

I just held his gaze as his eyes searched mine.

"Before we talk about anything, I just want to say I'm sorry."

"What for…?" My voice was barely audible, a whisper of confusion and hurt.

"I know I hurt you, love." His eyes were earnest, filled with sorrow.

We became silent, staring at each other for a long while. Then I heaved a weighted breath.

"I don't really know what I'm supposed to do, Edward." My voice trembled with uncertainty.

"You're supposed to be mad at me," he conceded, his tone resigned.

"I was, but I'm not anymore. I'm just… hurt." My voice broke, the pain seeping through.

"You have every right to be…" His voice trailed off, filled with guilt.

"Who's he?" I interrupted him softly.

The question hung heavily in the air. He hesitated for a second, a flicker of unease crossing his features.

"He's a friend. One of the few I've made since we got here," he said, his voice low.

"Why didn't you tell me about him? It's not like you having friends is a problem for me. I just don't understand the secrecy." My voice was laced with confusion and a hint of accusation.

"I don't know," he shrugged as he said it, avoiding my eyes. "I guess I just didn't find the best moment to bring it up."

I sighed deeply, straightened up, and looked down before asking the question that had been consuming my thoughts.

"Is there something going on between you two…? Do you… like him?" I felt myself frowning, not out of anger but out of pain, my heart aching.

"No!" Edward answered promptly, his eyes wide. "I don't like him, not in the way you're thinking."

"It seemed just the opposite earlier. And lately, you've been acting so… weird." I could hear the frustration and sadness tinging my tone.

Edward got even closer and kneeled, resting his hands over mine.

"Love, please, the way I've been acting has nothing to do with it. And there's nothing going on, I promise." His voice was earnest, pleading.

"But you hid this from me… and today… I mean, that guy was touching you." It was barely a whisper, my voice cracking. "And you seemed very comfortable with his proximity, with his hand on your knee… you were… blushing and smiling…" After a heavy sigh, I shook my head and averted my eyes from his, unable to meet his gaze. "You were clearly enjoying his attention."

Edward let out a weary sigh. I looked at him just as he dropped his gaze. In the brief seconds he was quiet, I felt as though my heart was being squeezed in anticipation of what he would say and how.

"I kind of was enjoying his attention, hon," he said, being carefully honest. "But not in the way you think. I was simply enjoying the conversation; we were just talking." I couldn't control the scoff that escaped me, so I looked away, shaking my head slowly and pursing my lips. "I do enjoy his presence, our friendship, and our dynamics, but it doesn't mean anything."

"Are you even listening to yourself?" I asked, my voice faltering. "How can it not mean anything, Edward? Everything you're saying reinforces what I saw and assures me otherwise."

"He's just a friend," he reaffirmed. "I like talking to him, hanging out, but that's it." He shrugged.

"It seems like more than that. You two seem really close."

"We are a little. We kinda connected." He agreed. "It's easy to talk to him because we think alike, and that makes us feel comfortable around each other. But that's all, there's nothing more to it."

I closed my eyes, the weight of his words sinking in, and clenched my jaw so tightly I could feel the tension spreading through my temples. Every word he spoke felt like a thorn deepening the ache in my chest. The hurt I felt was heavy, and threatened to burst into anger at any moment.

"Look, it's not the way you're thinking at all."

My anger simmered beneath the surface, hot and visceral. I opened my eyes slowly, fixing a steely gaze on Edward.

"You expect me to believe that?" My voice trembled with hurt, carrying a mixture of disbelief and pain. "You're telling me it's all just innocent? You connected with him, you enjoy his presence—how am I supposed to trust any of this?"

"Jazz, I know what you think you saw and how it made you feel, and for that I'm truly sorry, but I can assure you, I don't want Luke. I feel nothing more than friendship for him. And besides that, I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship."

I gave him a sharp gaze.

"You've certainly acted like you would. He was coming onto you and that was due to your attitude. You allowed that."

"He wasn't coming onto me," he argued softly.

"From what I saw, he was," I retorted.

"He wasn't; he knows I have a boyfriend."

And suddenly, some of my suspicions made sense, and I felt my eyes squinting involuntarily.

"How?"

"I told him." Edward shrugged.

"Why?" My question came out really slow and cautious.

His silence only fueled my frustration and confirmed my suspicion. The air between us crackled with tension. I chuckled darkly, humorlessly.

"He's hit on you before, hasn't he?" He didn't answer, but I wasn't really asking. "So, let me get this straight… he is gay, you two are close, you enjoy his presence, and he has hit on you. And you want me to believe that it's not at all the way I think?" I scoffed. "I'm sure I understand very well why you didn't tell me about him, Edward."

Edward's expression faltered, a flicker of guilt crossing his features before he quickly composed himself.

"Jasper, I—" he began, but I cut him off with a wave of my hand.

"Don't," I snapped, my tone unyielding. "I don't wanna hear anything else. You've kept this from me, and now I'm left wondering what else you're hiding."

I stood up and moved toward the corridor. Edward's hand was around my wrist in a blink.

"Where are you going?" he asked with a guarded voice, standing up too.

I didn't look up at him as I usually would. I just kept staring vacantly forward.

"I can't do this right now." My voice came out strained and low.

"Love, this whole thing is just a misunderstanding, please, we need to talk this through."

"No, Edward, we don't. I already know what I needed to know." I released a heavy sigh. "I'm too hurt right now, I'm not thinking clearly. It's better if we just stop for now. I may say something that I don't really mean, and I don't want to hurt you. We'll talk at another time. I need some time to… sort this out by myself."

"I just don't want us to go to sleep like this." He pleaded.

I clenched my jaw and squinted slightly as I at last looked up at him.

"You should've thought about it before giving your friend the level of intimacy I saw today." My tone was unintentionally sharp and despondent. "And that you hid it from me."

We exchanged a loaded stare, Edward's eyes betraying a mix of emotions I could read perfectly—guilt, with a hint of defiance. I held his gaze firmly, refusing to look away despite the turmoil inside me. The silence stretched between us until Edward released my wrist and finally spoke.

"You're overreacting," he said, his tone defensive.

His words hung in the air, daring me to respond. And I did, once my jaw unclenched and I took a moment to steady my voice.

"I'm trying hard to be reasonable," I admitted, my voice cracking under the weight of my emotions. "If I followed my impulses, I wouldn't even be here in front of you, and you know that. This isn't just about feeling hurt, Edward. I feel disregarded."

Edward's gaze faltered under my unwavering stare, yet he didn't look away, meeting my eyes with a mix of regret mingled with hurt.

"I haven't done anything different from what you've done," he said slowly, cautiously. "...from what you have been doing. Yet I've tried to understand you, so things would be okay between us."

"You're talking about Allegra."

"I am." Edward's voice was steady but tinged with a hint of apprehension.

"This means now you can handle the confirmation?" My tone bordered on defiant, edged with hurt and determination.

He hesitated, his gaze flickering momentarily, but then he tilted his chin up with resolve.

"What I saw at the party told me enough." Edward's voice carried a touch of defiance, yet I could hear the hint of vulnerability.

I nodded slowly, digesting his response. His sudden certainty caught me slightly off guard.

"But the thing is… these situations are not even remotely similar," I said in a low voice. "I'm not close with Allegra, I don't spend my free time with her. Yes, I feel attracted to her." Admitting it hurt me, and I could see the same emotion restrained in his eyes. "There, I admit it. Can you do the same? Because what I saw today told me enough too." I paused, giving my reasoning time to sink in. "The difference is, I'm doing my very best to put this feeling behind me and not even give her the slightest space to affect me. I do think she's a nice girl, but I don't enjoy her presence. And she's definitely never hit on me."

"Jazz, please, listen to me," he begged, briefly closing his eyes. He sounded desperate. "Luke knows I have a boyfriend. I made it very clear I'm in love and he has no chance. Besides, I would never trade you for anybody, let alone cheat on you. Don't you see how crazy this is?"

I frowned.

"Is it?" I asked rhetorically. "Because from where I stand, you acted like you didn't have a boyfriend. You were indulging him." I stepped closer and stared at him fiercely. "And enjoying it."

He tried to hold my face, but I stepped back. He looked down and shook his head, disheartened.

"I swear you don't have any reason to doubt me or feel jealous of Luke." He brought his eyes back to mine, and they were glinting with unshed tears.

I exhaled forcefully.

"You have even fewer reasons to feel jealous of Allegra, and yet you do, don't you?"

"I do, but it's different," he argued softly.

"How is it different, Edward?" My voice sounded somewhat ironic.

"She's a girl. You know well my fears."

"As you know mine, but you seem to have forgotten about them…" I swallowed hard. "Let's say, just for argument's sake, that I forgot about yours too. Please, refresh my memory."

"There's always a possibility of you… realizing she's the one you want."

I scoffed.

"And why is that?" I challenged him to follow through with his argument.

"Because... you're straight," he said in a downhearted voice. "You prefer girls."

"Right there." I poked his chest with my index finger. "Do you recognize this emotion inside you right now? This uncertainty? That's how I feel. So no, this is not crazy. I feel jealous and I doubt you because of this uncertainty. Even though I am a boy, Edward, it hasn't been just a few times that I've feared not being the right type of boy for you. You know well how terrified I am of losing you. I always have been, one way or another. But it got a little worse once I realized things were a little beyond my understanding. Sure, somehow I managed it; I did what you told me to, I trusted our connection. But today, when I saw you with that guy…" I lowered my head and shook it slowly from side to side, then sighed and gazed back at him. "You have no idea what it was like to see you flirting with someone I knew nothing about, who was flirting right back with you."

"I wasn't flirting…" he tried, but once again I cut him off.

"You think you have a reason to be insecure just because I have a lab partner who's a girl, but I can't be jealous of your friend who's a boy? If I make a ridiculous assumption, like the one you just did, I'll tell you that you're gay, so you prefer gay boys. Like him. Not like me… Because, as you just pointed out, I'm straight." Suddenly, I felt extremely sarcastic, and my cynicism flowed through my words, "You don't get what my problem with your friend is? I can clarify. He's gay, he's into you, you two think alike, you've connected, and you appreciate him being around. He seems perfect for you." I felt my eyes welling up with tears. "In the end, Edward… there's always a possibility of you realizing he's the one you want."

He gasped, his eyes welling up too.

I turned away and walked off, my throat tight with the tears I held back. I didn't want to say anything more; the pain was overwhelming. All I wanted was to lie down and cry until I fell asleep. But there was one last thing I needed to make clear.

"And for your fucking information," I said in a tremulous voice as I stopped at my door. "Even though I don't know which damn label fits me—whether I'm bi, straight, indecisive, or whatever—one thing I do know for sure." Against my better judgment, I turned to look at him. "There's no one else for me. Not girls, not boys—just you. It's always been you."

I went into my room without looking back and slammed the door. Leaning heavily against it, tears streamed freely down my face as I grasped how terribly the conversation had unfolded.

Dragging myself to bed, I did what I needed to do—I cried myself to sleep.

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I think we have an emergency

If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong

'Cause I won't stop holding on

[...]

This is an emergency

So are you listening?

And I can't pretend that I don't see this

It's really not your fault

[...]

I've seen you cry

Way too many times

When you deserved to be alive

Alive

These scars, they will not fade away

By Paramore