Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Dungeons & Dragons or a cat.
The Slytherins began the new school year in the dumbest way possible. That is to say, their first class was with Lockhart.
The classroom was filled with portraits of their new professor, who was still nowhere in sight. Every single girl in their classroom was fangirling over the portraits in a loud and annoying way. Well, every single girl except Hermione, who was currently reading the Star Wars Saga Edition Core Rulebook.
"Already three minutes late." Harry sighed.
"If he's fifteen minutes late we can go home." Marc nodded.
Floppa picked up Marc's wand from his desk and started waving it around in one paw, pointing it at the portraits and mimicking the wand movements of the Killing Curse out of boredom. Unfortunately, as he was not a caster and his target was not a creature, the portraits remained very much alive-but-not-really-alive.
"You just gave me an idea." Harry grinned, petting the large caracal on his head. He quickly pulled out his own wand, and with a quiet incantation and a swift gesture under his desk the spell was released, causing the desired effect of causing the portraits to swing on the walls.
"What the-" came the voice of one Lockhart as he was yeeted off the image.
"My goodness-" another's exclamation was cut short as he fell into the void beyond the picture.
"Bears are birds!" yet another one called out before vanishing.
Unfortunately, their victory over the Classroom Walls of Cringe and their insufferable denizens was cut short by the arrival of the real Lockhart, who appeared just as dumb and stupidly dressed as he did in the portraits they just improved.
"Good afternoon, children!" he announced, even though it was 8 o'clock in the morning. "Tonight you shall begin your journey into the real Defense Against the Dark Arts. Not whatever Professor Quirinus Riddle or whatever his name was tried to teach you."
"Quirrell." Harry interjected. "His name was Quirrell."
"There, see?" Lockhart laughed. "Only one of you even remembered his name when I gave you obvious disinformation. Now, on to the subject at hand. Let's start with a test to see how much you remember from your textbooks!"
As Lockhart handed out the worksheets, the Four Against Madness felt quite confident that they could solve the test despite having used their Defense textbooks as firewood. And then they looked at the questions.
What follows is a list of questions on the test, along with the answers provided by the heroes of our story, who cooperated via Wizcord.
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color? Irrelevant.
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition? To finally learn how to cast spells.
What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date? Miraculously graduating Hogwarts.
How many times has Gilderoy Lockhart won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award? Anyone who reads Witch Weekly should get the death penalty.
In his book Break with a Banshee, how did Gilderoy Lockhart bravely banish the Bandon Banshee? He's too low level to cast banishment.
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's best side for photographs? He looks best when he's not in the picture.
Has Gilderoy Lockhart ever won the Dunstable Duelling Championship for wizards or just been pipped at the post? He was disqualified for not knowing any spells.
Which product does Gilderoy Lockhart use to clean his teeth with to achieve his famous dazzling white smile? Toothpaste.
Mention some of Gilderoy Lockhart's pet hates and personal vices. Nobody cares.
Suggest in less than twenty words some top grooming tips for Gilderoy Lockhart. Crucio yourself back into sanity.
What, in your opinion, is the bravest encounter Gilderoy Lockhart has ever had? Heroically bandaging his arm after breaking it in a fistfight with a monkey. Melee lul.
How many fans are in the Gilderoy Lockhart fan club? Too many.
To which side does Gilderoy Lockhart part his hair? Glorious Lord Voldemort please smite this imbecile.
Name three time defying spells that have contributed to Gilderoy Lockhart's ageless features? None, he's fucking ugly.
What does Gilderoy Lockhart absolutely never travel the world without? A missing brain.
Which wizard-coutier makes Gilderoy Lockhart's magnificent robes? They're ugly bruh.
If Gilderoy Lockhart launched his own range of hair products, what would they be called? He'd go bankrupt after the first few e-mails from a Nigerian prince.
Which is the personal name which Gilderoy Lockhart has given to his broomstick? The Pepega.
When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday and what would his ideal gift be? He wasn't born, he was inflicted as suffering upon us.
"I shudder to think that in some alternate reality, I could have known the answers." Hermione commented as she handed in her sheet. Half the class was bickering about whether "lilac" was spelled with a triple E, Floppa was bored out of his mind and Lockhart was busy grading the sheets as quickly as he could. Finally, he got up.
"Well done, most of you." he said. "None of you got all the answers right, but that is understandable. And special congratulations to our Hogwarts celebrity – not as famous as me, but still – Harry Potter. Thought you'd get my attention by deliberately scoring zero points, eh? That's certainly one way to stand out. Although I will say that having seven levels in wizard is stupid anyway. The class barely gives you any features! I always multiclass into fighter after getting haste and fireball."
"Bruh what..." Harry felt his disappointment surge in real time. "Why? Why would you take martial levels on a fullcaster?"
"Well, you need someone to actually use weapons." Lockhart explained. "Someone needs to kill those monsters with Magic Resistance and Legendary Resistance, and a wiz 5/ftr 5 gets Extra Attack at level 10 – right when you start fighting things like beholders. Not that I'd expect a 10th-level party to stand much of a chance against a beholder, but they'd be absolutely slaughtered without martials!"
It was at this point that Hermione Granger raised her hand.
"Professor, may I go to the hospital wing?" she asked. "I think I just got brain damage."
"Meow." Floppa agreed, and soon they both exited the room.
"Ah, I forgot!" Lockhart facepalmed. "That poor student turned into a cat, I know just the countercharm to reverse it."
"He's a cat." Marc said.
"Nonsense, how would a cat get into Hogwarts?" Lockhart asked.
"He's my cat." Marc replied.
"Don't be silly, slavery is illegal!" Lockhart reprimanded him.
"He is my cat." Marc repeated.
"Ten points from Slytherin for vulgar jokes." Lockhart said. "And I'll take points every class until the transformation is reversed!"
"Professor, I think I'm getting brain damage too." Harry raised his hand. "May I also go to the hospital wing?"
"Very well." Lockhart agreed.
And that left just Draco and Marc in the classroom to listen in horror as Lockhart introduced himself. And what came afterwards was even worse.
"I've brought a cage full of pixies." their lame excuse for a teacher announced. "I'll release them, put them back in the cage and you're free to go."
And with that, he opened the cage… which fell apart due to being shittily constructed. A bunch of pixies flew out and started bullying the students. Several of them lifted Neville Longbottom and started playing volleyball with him in the air. Lockhart took that opportunity to run off and lock the door.
"So, how do we deal with the pixies?" Marc asked.
"Come, I'll show you my plan." Draco replied, gesturing to the stairs leading up to the door.
Immediately upon ascending to the top, the blonde Slytherin pulled out his wand and pointed it at the door.
"Alohomora." he cast. "The solution here is noticing that it's Lockhart's classroom, not ours, and we're not required to give a flying fuck."
Somewhere in the distance, a clanging noise rang out as either Crabbe or Goyle crushed a pixie to death against a wall using a frying pan.
Potions Classroom
"And why exactly are Potter and Granger absent?" Snape inquired.
"They got a severe case of brain damage during Professor Lockhart's lectures, sir." Marc explained.
"How… unsurprising." Snape muttered. "And why are all Slytherins besides you four absent?"
"They fightin' strange flies, sir." Crabbe replied.
"I will have a word with the Headmaster about your Defense curriculum." Snape sighed.
Suddenly, a holographic projection of Dumbledore spontaneously manifested in front of Snape.
"No you won't, Lockhart is hired and that's final." the apparition said before leaving.
"Change of plans." Snape decided. "Today I will be teaching you how to apply poison to a lemon drop…"
Hospital Wing, two days later
Two days had passed and all three victims of Lockhart's class were finally able to walk without cringing constantly. Harry was most pleased to note that Floppa was feeling very cheerful about this.
"Time to head back to the common room, I guess." he shrugged.
"Indeed." Hermione nodded. "We're supposed to be making characters for my Saga Edition game now."
"Marc and Draco probably have theirs ready by now." Harry replied. "I have a vague idea of what I'm going with. Gonna try and make an aspiring bounty hunter."
"Sounds good." she nodded.
They walked through the castle slowly. It was a Saturday so there were no classes, and thus most people were just chilling in their common rooms. The halls were empty. Not a sound could be heard. Until…
"I am in your walls."
"What?" Harry asked. "Who was that?"
"I don't hear anyone." Hermione shrugged.
"I am in your walls."
"I can hear someone." he insisted. "In the walls."
"There's nobody in the walls." she replied. "Maybe it's rats."
"I am in your walls and I want to kill people."
"Maybe." he shrugged. "But that really sounds like someone wanting to kill people."
"It's rats." she told him. "Just rats in the walls."
Aside from that one random encounter, their journey was entirely uneventful. They made their way back to the Slytherin common room, whereupon they were greeted by the sculpted serpent demanding a password.
"Tax evasion." Harry hissed.
"You speak Parseltongue?" Hermione raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know that."
"I do?" he was just as surprised as she was. "Based if true."
"Wait… what if that was a snake in the walls?" she wondered aloud.
"I'll have to see if it's up for another chat." he said. "But it did seem violent."
"All right, let's forget the snake for now." she replied. "Time to make you a character."
Slytherin Common Room Gaming Table
"So what you're saying is" Marc laughed "we all brought martials."
"So it seems." Hermione nodded. "OK, that's honestly funny. So, how are you all connected? Why are you working together?"
"You know me as Brov. Used to be the captain of a ship." Marc began. "But the ship flew too close to a star, got badly damaged and I couldn't afford repairs. So we're looking for a buyer for the scrap while we do odd jobs here on Tatooine."
"Noted." she replied. "What about you, Harry?"
"I'm Tihss, the guy with a gun who shoots things." Harry said. "I'm just wielding a rifle for now, but hopefully we'll be able to afford something more devastating soon enough."
"And I'm the brains of the party." Draco beamed. "Name's Thaon. Descended from Coruscant nobility, but life in the Core got boring so I'm here now. What's the job?"
A Togorian, a Trandoshan and a human walk into a cantina. Their contact is already there, waiting for them. The year is 15 BBY, four years since the creation of the Galactic Empire. Disney canon and the Filoniverse never happened.
"So you have arrived." the mysterious individual says. A half-mask covers his jaw, but based on what facial features you do see he appears to be human, or at the very least some near-human species. "Let us get to business right away. A rather tiresome enemy of mine has sent his assassins after me. Fortunately, they got into a skirmish with another one of my enemies and their ship was shot down over the planet. I've managed to locate the wreck, but it's quite far into the desert and the area is full of sand people. I need someone to go in and bring me any data that survived. With a bit of luck, I'll be able to trace their communications and find out where that slimeball is hiding. I'm offering seven hundred credits to each of you, and whatever else you find on that ship is yours."
"I think we have a deal." Thaon declares, looking to his crewmates to see what they're thinking. They nod – it's a deal.
"I've uploaded the coordinates to this datapad." he says, handing you an unassuming device. "Contact me when all is done."
Braving the harsh deserts of Tatooine would be a daunting challenge for three 1st-level characters, even in a party where two people are trained in Endurance. Thankfully, the speeders in town are free if you can dispatch the thugs riding them.
"I never liked these Weequay bullies anyway." Thaon chuckles as initiative is rolled. "Now, remember – stay within my sight." (Born Leader talent activated as a swift action)
"I HATE YOUUUU" Brov screams as he charges into melee with his mighty vibroblade, scoring an easy hit with his +8 to hit and cleaving one of his foes in half in the middle of the street. You don't mess with this big kitty.
"Pew pew." Tihss laughs as his weapon brings another one down. The thugs return fire, but they're mostly useless. "Initiative being a skill is the game design choice of all time."
"I agree." Thaon nods, already inspecting the speeder closest to him. "But this combat was far more enjoyable than 5e."
"I fully agree." the Force or something suddenly whispers to all of them.
Traversing the great desert is a boring job, but you manage it with little difficulty. You make your way towards the wreckage, and as your vehicles draw near all looks calm.
Thaon disembarks first, searching for signs of life as he leads the group into what used to be the hull of a small transport. Nothing threatening so far. Splendid, but the heroes better than to let down their guard. Blades drawn and blasters loaded, they step into the ruined vessel.
"Tihss, you search the cockpit and download the vessel's flight logs." Thaon decides. "Brov, I want you to loot the armory. I'm going to keep an eye out for trouble from outside."
Minutes pass slowly as you seek treasure and information. Much of the equipment did not survive the crash, but you get a few vibroblades and four hold-out blaster pistols. An hour passes… I'm gonna roll for a random encounter.
And you're lucky this time – the local Tusken Raider tribe has not decided to visit the wreck now.
The twin suns begin to set as our adventurers make their way back. This wasn't so bad after all…
"Hope you enjoyed this oneshot." Hermione said, reaching for her dice bag. "How'd you like the system?"
"It does a good job of being D&D but Star Wars." Harry commented. "And I'd go so far as to say it does a good job of just being Star Wars."
"What I particularly appreciate is that there isn't much resource management involved." Marc said. "Nearly all stuff is at-will, recharges after the encounter or recharges when you spend money to get more ammo or whatever. I like it."
"I'm really fond of the condition track." Draco added. "Helps to deal with the abstraction that is HP in a realistic manner."
"I for one appreciate that multiattack is not the norm." Hermione told them. "Unless you really, really specialize in multiattacking you will only make one attack per round all the way to level 20, and multiple attacks will require a full-round action anyway."
"The progression is generally more smooth than in 5e, there aren't as many major "power boost" levels." Harry agreed. "In 5e you have 3rd, 5th, 9th, 11th, 13th and 17th level where fullcasters use even more powerful magic, it just keeps snowballing. Monster CR gets stupid and wonky, and the game just breaks apart."
"Defenses and attack rolls scaling with level rather than 5e's slow proficiency bonus means you can make bosses unbeatable at the party's current level by having them be naturally too hard to hit rather than having to artificially inflate HP pools and give an NPC wizard fifty billion hit dice." Hermione added. "Now you see why I like this system."
"It's certainly based." Draco agreed.
Just then, their conversation was drowned out by the shouting of a howler somewhere in the first-year girls' dorms.
"GINEVRA WEASLEY! YOU ORDERED HOW MANY DICE?! YOUR BROTHERS ARE STILL USING HAND-ME-DOWN WANDS! WE ARE POOR!"