Jennie

I'm trembling as Rosé and I walk up to the apartment that Lisa and Jaehyun share. My hands are clammy and my heart is hammering in my chest.

Lisa and I haven't had a genuine conversation in the last year and a half. Every time she came home, she went out of her way to avoid me. If she was ever forced to speak to me, she'd treat me with such indifference I'd barely recognize her. Ever since the first time she came home, she and I have slowly but surely become strangers. Lisa now treats me with the same cold politeness that she used to reserve for Rosé's other friends. It's like she and I were never friends. Like we weren't so much more than that. I'm terrified of seeing her again. I'm terrified of her pushing me away even further.

I've been in a weird state of denial, telling myself that we're only distant because she's been so far away, but soon I'll be out of excuses. I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with the person she's become. Lisa and I used to be so close, but now I barely know her. All I know is whatever I hear from Rosé and Helen, combined with what I see on social media and on the news. She's a rising football star and based on the photos I've seen online, well-loved by the girls at USC. While I know she isn't the person she used to be, my heart refuses to accept it. In the few interviews she's done on her private life, she made it clear that she doesn't believe in love at all and that she enjoys her bachelorette lifestyle. The Lisa I used to know wasn't like that. She might never have said it, but I'm pretty sure she used to love me as much as I loved her.

The door opens, and Jaehyun appears, his eyes lingering on Rosé. I know the two of them have been seeing each other on and off again — neither of them able to stay away, though they both keep trying. All the while they've done their best to keep it from Lisa until they finally decide to make things official, which has yet to happen. For Rosé, Lisa's graduation party was the start of something new. It was the night she and Jaehyun finally gave in and acted on their feelings, setting in motion the months of push and pull they've gone through. For me, it was the end of the best thing I ever had. The night I spent with Lisa was the last night we had together.

Jaehyun pulls Rosé toward him and hugs her tightly, his face buried in her hair. When they're still wrapped up in each other minutes later, I clear my throat awkwardly. Jaehyun blinks and looks at me, confused. Yep. He didn't even see me standing here. He blushes and steps back to let us in.

"Hey, Jennie," he murmurs. I roll my eyes and push past him. If they're going to be this obvious about their affection for each other, they might as well not even try to keep it from Lisa. They're hardly subtle. For a split second, I wonder what things might have been like if Lisa and I started dating two years ago. Would we have made it? Would Helen and Rosé have gotten over it? Would she be welcoming me the way Jaehyun is welcoming Rosé? My heart aches at the mere thought of all the would-haves and could-haves.

"Make yourself at home," Jaehyun tells us. Rosé and I follow him in curiously. The apartment looks so normal. It doesn't look like the bachelor pad I was expecting. It's just a regular two-bedroom apartment with neutral colored furniture. It isn't even messy. They can do with a bit of color, but they certainly haven't done a bad job.

We pause in front of Lisa's bedroom and Rosé sighs. "Is she still asleep?" she asks, her mood souring. I check my watch and bite down on my lip. It's nine am on a Sunday, but she knew we'd get here today. I might not have spoken to her much, but I know Rosé has.

Rosé rolls her eyes and opens her bedroom door. I hesitate before following her in. Will she be happy to see me at all? Will she be upset if we wake her up? Things haven't been the same between us in months now, but I'm hoping we can at least become friends again now that we'll be seeing a lot of each other.

It's pitch dark when we walk in, and Rosé slams her hand against the light switch. Lisa's room is bathed in light and she groans. My eyes roam over her room in surprise. Her floor is scattered with clothes and other mess. Lisa was never super tidy, but she was never this messy either.

She sits up and runs a hand through her hair, an annoyed expression on her face. The sheets fall to her waist and my eyes roam over her body. It looks like she's naked and the sheets barely cover her. She looks mad as hell to have been woken up, but her anger drains away once her eyes land on us. She looks at Jaehyun first, and then at Rosé.

"Rosé," she says, her voice rough and sleepy. Her eyes linger on me for just a few seconds, her expression unreadable. I can't figure out if she's even remotely happy to see me. Sheb dismisses me and looks back at Rosé. "When did you get here?" she asks. She grabs her jeans from the floor and pulls them on underneath the covers before standing up.

My heart aches at how easily she ignores me. She's focused entirely on Rosé, and it's like I'm not even here. She hasn't so much as smiled at me.

"A few minutes ago," Rosé says. She crosses her arms and glares at her . "I told you Nini and I would get here today. Why are you still in bed?"

I look up at Lisa as discreetly as I can. She looks bigger. More rugged. I'm hit with a familiar sense of longing. My eyes roam over her body and freeze on her lower abdomen. She's got more than a few kiss marks on her skin and I suddenly feel sick. I bite down on my lip to keep my emotions in check. It feels like someone has stabbed me in the heart and then twisted the knife. It's been over a year since Lisa and I ended things, so why do I still feel this way? I look away, frozen in place.

I breathe in as deeply as I can, my breath hitching. It hurts. She warned me she'd move on, but I guess I was in denial. Lisa has done her best to hide her sex life from Rosé and me. I always knew, but knowing isn't the same as seeing. I take a step back and rub my chest as though that'll soothe my aching heart.

"I thought Jaehyun told you that our orientation is tomorrow. I literally called you last night to make sure you'd be up in time. I can't believe you're still in bed," she says, snapping at her.

Jaehyun clears his throat and puts his hand on Rosé's shoulder. "Come on," he says. "I'll show you my room and the rest of the place while Lisa gets ready. It won't take her long."

Rosé glares at Lisa one more time and then follows Jaehyun. I trail behind them, not wanting to be left alone with Lisa.

"I… uh… I'll make some coffee," I say, tipping my head toward the kitchen. I need a moment to pull myself together. Just seeing Lisa is so much harder than I thought it would be. It's like feelings I thought were long gone came rushing back at once. I guess part of me hoped there'd still be something between us. I never got over her, but it seems like she's definitely moved on. I can't help but blame myself. I should've chosen to be with her while I could.

Rosé looks at me worriedly and I smile at her. "Just tired," I tell her, lying through my teeth. She hesitates, but eventually nods and follows Jaehyun.

I walk around the kitchen numbly, working on autopilot. I don't snap out of it until Lisa walks in. Looks like she didn't bother getting ready . She leans against one of the counters and studies me curiously.

I push a cup of coffee toward her, a small insincere smile on my face. I've been standing here completely spaced out for so long that the coffee is now lukewarm at best. Usually I'd have offered to make her a new cup, but I just don't have it in me today. My heart feels shattered. Is this what Lisa and I have become? Strangers that don't even say hi anymore?

My eyes drop to the kiss marks on her skin and I'm hit with another flash of pain. She looks down and traces the marks with her fingers, a small frown on her face. I look away and stare at my cup instead.

"Hmm, looks like my friends and I had a bit too much fun last night," she says, grinning.

I feel sick to my stomach and grit my teeth. "You fuck all your friends?" I ask, my voice harsh and angry. I can't help it. I promised myself I'd be better than this, but I can't help myself.

Lisa looks startled and then chuckles. "Jennie, I'm single and I'm a football player. I'm not gonna stand here and pretend I've been a saint. We're at college, for God's sake. It's not like you've been a saint back home. How's Taehyung these days?"

I frown. "Taehyung?" I ask, confused. I haven't even thought about him in a year. "We broke up like a year and a half ago," I tell her.

Lisa straightens and stares at me with wide eyes. "You what?"

I look away and wrap my arms around myself. I broke up with Taehyung the first time Lisa came home from college. I still remember the exact moment I knew Taehyung and I would never work out. I tried pulling a prank on Lisa and she caught me . She had me pressed up against her window, her fingers buried deep inside me. I knew right there and then I'd never want Taehyung the same way and that it would be unfair to keep dating him, when I knew I was just using him to get over Lisa. I broke up with Taehyung the next day.

"I only dated him because I was wondering what dating might be like. It wasn't really as good as I thought it would be, so I ended things."

Lisa blinks in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asks, her eyes flashing with anger.

I frown. "When was I supposed to tell you, Lisa? Whenever you came home, you ignored me. Besides, why would you even care?"

Lisa runs a hand through her hair and looks at me through narrowed eyes. "You said it wasn't that good. What wasn't that good? Did you sleep with him?"

I shake my head instinctively and immediately regret it. Lisa's lips tug up at the edges and her entire demeanor relaxes. I grit my teeth and glare at her.

"It's none of your business who I have or haven't slept with, you manwhore."

Lisa chuckles. "Hmm okay, Minx," she murmurs. My heart skips a beat and I hide my face in my coffee cup. She hasn't called me Minx in so long. It's always Jennie these days. To hear her call me the way she used to oddly revives the butterflies I try so hard to keep buried.

"So those two times with me are the only times you've had sex, huh? You're practically still a virgin, Minx. At this rate you might as well keep it up until marriage."

I almost choke on my coffee and cough violently. Lisa grins as though my unease is amusing her. I prod her chest angrily. "Whose fault is that, Lisa? You kept everyone away from me. Even after you left, most guys didn't dare come near me."

I'm shaking with anger. Even though we always denied it, everyone always saw me as Lisa's girl. As the girl that's out of reach unless you want to deal with Lisa herself. Long after she left, people would ask me how she's doing. Other than Taehyung, there weren't many guys that could even look at me without immediately associating me with Lisa. Not that it would've mattered. No one captured my interest anyway. In the last two years, I couldn't even imagine sleeping with anyone other than Lisa. I still can't.

"Seems like you don't have that issue, huh? You're far from virginal, aren't you?" I say, my voice breaking. I'm consumed with pain and rage that I know I have no right to feel. I glance at my cup, longing to give into my temper and dump the coffee on her head. It won't mend my broken heart, but still.

Lisa laughs and tips her head toward me. "Do it. I dare you," she murmurs.

I grit my teeth and glare at her. I can't believe she still reads me so well. I hate it. I hate that she still owns every piece of me. "Don't think I won't," I snap.

Lisa crosses her arms and grins at me provocatively. I glare at her and rise to my tiptoes, my coffee cup in hand. I bring it to her head slowly. Lisa watches me in amusement, as though she's waiting to see whether I'll actually do it. I hold my cup over her head and empty it slowly, looking her in the eye as the coffee streams down her face. She could've evaded me easily, but instead she leans back against the counter, allowing it to run down her body.

My eyes follow the trail down her abdomen and a moment that should've felt victorious and vindictive instantly turns into more. I lick my lips and try to keep my mind off licking the coffee from her body. I swallow hard and Lisa's eyes darken as though she knows exactly what I'm thinking.

The moment shatters when my eyes zero in on the kiss marks on her skin. Just looking at them makes me feel like I've been sucker punched. How many girls know exactly what Lisa's abs taste like? Hell… some girl probably still has the taste of her on her lips. I look away, equal parts disgusted and heartbroken. It's obvious she's been spending her days fucking around.

She's clearly moved on, just like she said she would. So why am I still stuck in the past? Why am I unable to even want anyone else? Seems like Lisa is having great sex and I'm just missing out. I'm missing out because I keep comparing every man I meet to the one I can no longer have. No more. I'm going to live it up at college as much as Lisa has. Maybe that's exactly what I need to finally get over her. Seems to have worked just fine for her. I'll find someone to sleep with before the week is over. How hard can it be?

I grit my teeth and Lisa grabs my jaw. She turns my face toward her and shakes her head. "It's not happening, Minx. Whatever you have in mind right now, forget about it. It isn't happening."

I glare at her, hating that she can still read me so well. "We'll see about that, Lisa."