Chapter Seventeen

Tough

The rising sun had pulled me out of my thoughts. No one had come for me, letting me have the time I needed to pull my shit together. I wasn't okay in any estimation of the world, but I steeled myself and turned my back to the smoldering house, holding the box close to me.

Anger still burned in my veins, but I needed to finish this.

Making my way across the settlement, I watched as Saviors scurried in different directions, arms full of supplies. I kept walking, not speaking to anyone, until I reached the garage that housed Purcellville's trucks.

I sat my box and machete down, carefully, and made quick work of sliding the giant doors open, the metal screeching on the tracks. Taking a few steps back, I took in the space in front of me. There were four giant military trucks inside and two huge tanker trucks with gas. The Sanctuary could always use the gas. Brendan had stayed on top of the gas situation in the city, always making sure we had enough for generators and transportation.

I turned around, looking to see if anyone was close by and not finding a soul. I pulled the radio off my belt loop, surprised that it had stayed on me through everything. Cringing a little at the amount of blood coating the device, I held the button down.

"We have trucks in the garage a block west of the courtyard. Four military surplus trucks, two tankers full of gas. Someone send at least two people to drive the tankers, three more if we want any of the trucks."

I clipped the radio back on my belt and made my way through the area between the trucks until I reached the back wall where the keys were located.

"Copy. Saviors heading your way," Laura radioed back.

I snatched the keys and headed back to the doors. I grabbed my box and machete from the ground and placed them in the passenger seat of the truck closest to me.

"Hey, boss lady. Laura sent us over," I heard a voice call.

I jumped from the high step and shut the door, looking to see a group of five men standing there. Charles, who had spoken, DJ, Gary, Jed, and one other Savior I didn't know.

Charles was watching me with a supportive smile on his face as I walked towards them. Gary and DJ were downright beaming at me, while Jed and the other man looked at me with a fear I wasn't used to seeing directed at me.

I started tossing keys out.

"You guys good to drive shit this big?" I asked, keeping my voice even.

"Yes, ma'am. We're good," DJ said, nodding his head.

"Good. Whoever drives the tankers, be safe please. I don't need another death on my hands today," I mumbled, not looking at the men.

"Will you train me?" Charles blurted out.

I looked up at the giant man, having to crane my neck to look in his eyes.

"What?"

"Will you train me? Like, when you're up to it after all of this. I want to learn how to use a machete and I think you might be the best person to teach me," Charles said, giving me another small smile.

"Oh, uhm, yeah. Sure. Laura, Arat, and I train every morning at five. I'll probably take some time off, but you can join us when I get back," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"Can I come too?" DJ asked.

"Me too," Gary said, nodding his head.

"Sure," I agreed, slightly confused.

The men broke apart, walking toward the trucks. Charles stopped and looked over at me, a sadness playing across his features.

"I know we're not friends, but I heard what he said to you. You were justified in what you did. And it was cool as fuck to watch. Ben was right, you know? Certified badass," the man said quietly, patting me on the shoulder and walking away.

Not able to stomach thinking about Ben, I shook my head, pushing everything down.

I jumped up into the truck, jamming the keys in the ignition. The engine roared to life and I pulled out, focusing on the plan I had for myself.

I rolled into the courtyard slowly, becoming nauseous as I took in the scene before me. The morning light made it all too fucking real. I closed my eyes as I rested my forehead on the steering wheel.

I'm fine. Everything is fine. Do what you need to and you can leave. It's almost over.

I shook myself and sucked in a few breaths of air.

Flinging the door open, I jumped to the ground, my legs almost giving out as I realized how exhausted my body was.

"One hour before we leave, people," I heard Simon call over the radio, "Rubble has been cleared from the exit. Trucks are almost fully loaded up. Do not be late or you will be left."

I took another deep breath. I can do this.

And I did. I located Ben's body among the carnage, trying not to focus on the fact that his eyes were open like he was staring at the sky. I slid my arms under his and drug his body back to the truck. It took me at least twenty minutes to maneuver his body into the bed of the truck. When it was over, I could barely fucking stand, but I didn't let myself give up. I cursed my traitorous shaking legs and got back behind the wheel.

It took another thirty minutes for me to clear out Brendan's armory. He had a fuck ton of guns that he didn't have ammo for and I made sure to take all of it, tossing it all into the back of the truck, on the opposite side as Ben.

"Ten minutes until we leave," Arat's voice barked through the radio.

Hoping that everyone had found the warehouses and raided everything else, I slowly crawled back into the cab. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep this up. I was going to go down at some point real fucking soon, but I had one more stop to make.

I drove through the familiar compound, not feeling an ounce of remorse for crumbling it. They had deserved it for what had happened to my family and the people of Purcellville. I wouldn't let myself regret this.

Slowly crawling through the small area that had been cleared for the trucks near the gates, I started driving across the field, hearing the guns clang as I rolled over the dirt. I hoped for a second that the weapons wouldn't hurt Ben.

Arriving at the treeline, I had just hit the ground as the radio went off.

"Piper, where are you going?" I heard Negan demand over the radio.

I ignored it. I would deal with him later.

"Boss, I'm outside the gates with Charles and DJ. They say that she's… she's going to get her parents," I heard Dwight's voice sound as I made my way into the tree's.

It took only a second to locate my parents and it was far easier to carefully lift what was left of their bodies and place them next to Ben, one by one. I shut the back of the truck and leaned against the tailgate for a second, looking at the ruin that was Purcellville.

"Burn them to the fucking ground, my fearless girl."

"I did, Mom. I did," I whispered.

I gave myself a moment to breathe. I had been running on autopilot since the courtyard and I needed to keep it that way until I was home.

Home.

I looked to the road in front of the still burning compound. Over fifteen trucks were lined up, ready to go, and I was holding them back. I shook my head, letting out a ragged breath. I climbed into the truck and drove across the field slowly, cautious of the cargo in the back.

Reaching the group, I parked my truck in the front. Before I had opened the door, I heard screaming start. My heart beat thundered as I snatched my machete from the seat and scrambled from the truck while unholstering my gun.

My feet hit the dirt and I raised the Beretta in my hand, rounding the truck.

Fucking walkers. At least thirty of them had come around the opposite way that I had pulled up and were stumbling up to the trucks in the back as shots rang out.

I shook my head and took aim, blocking out everyone around me as I ran down the line, firing on three and dropping them. Other Saviors were fighting and I didn't see anyone bitten yet.

I will not lose another person today. I can't.

I let my mind go blank, like it had in the courtyard when I took out the guards, and started fighting. Adrenaline fueled my weak limbs.

Keeping my head on a swivel, I charged into the middle of the chaos and started swinging at those closest to me, hitting the dead between the eyes with precision.

I saw Dwight's blonde hair to my left, shooting at the approaching walkers. He was so focused on what was in front of him that he hadn't seen the one that had rounded his truck, jaws gnashing as it grabbed his arm and went to take a bite.

I shifted my stance, quickly firing a bullet into the walker's forehead before its teeth could make contact with his skin.

His head jerked to me, giving a quick nod, before continuing to fire.

It took less than two minutes for us to take them all out, though it felt like hours.

"Piper?!" I heard a frantic yell.

"Here," I called back, looking around one of the trucks to find Negan barreling toward me.

And then I was in his arms, crushed into his chest as his lips hit mine. I instinctively returned the kiss for a moment before pulling back to look up at him. His chocolate colored eyes were tired, but still very aware of what was going on around us, and his mouth was set in a tight light.

"Just wanted to make sure you were good."

"All good, boss man," I replied, quirking up one side of my mouth in an effort to reassure him.

He nodded and let me go, pulling back, and quickly putting his fearless leader face on.

"Everyone good?" he yelled.

"Affirmative. No bites reported," Simon called back from the back of the line of vehicles.

"Everyone double check yourselves before we leave," Negan called.

I turned and started slowly walking to my truck.

"Hey," Dwight said, as he jogged to my side, walking shoulder to shoulder with me.

I glanced at the man, "Hey."

"Thank you, Piper. Really, thank you. I didn't even see that fucker coming up on me," he said.

"You'd do it for me, right D? You don't have to thank me," I responded, looking over at him as we walked.

"I would, but I still appreciate it." He shot me a quick smile.

I stumbled for a second, suddenly dizzy. Dwight's hand shot out and grabbed my arm.

"Hey, are you good?" He asked, concern pulling at his features.

"Yeah, I think I'm just tired. Been a long - " I stopped speaking as I swayed.

I could feel my heartbeat pound in my head. It felt like everything was going dark around the edges.

Dwight's arm looped around my waist to steady me.

"Piper? Piper, talk to me," I heard Dwight say.

He sounded panicked.

I tried to tell him I was okay, I just needed to rest, but the encroaching darkness at the edges of my vision pulled me down. I heard Dwight's voice scream for Negan as I felt my legs collapse.

My eyes popped open and I blinked quickly, the sun blinding me for a moment. I let out a groan as my head started pounding. Pressing my palms to my eye sockets, I put all of my energy into lifting my body to an upright position.

Everything was sore and the throbbing in my head felt like it was about to take me out.

Fuck.

"Ya feeling alright?" I heard a voice gently ask from my left.

I dropped my hands and rolled my head to the left. My eyes settled on Dwight, who was currently driving the truck I had loaded up from Purcellville. He kept glancing between me and the road in front of him.

"Where's Negan?" I asked, my voice coming out barely above a whisper.

"He wanted to stay back, make sure everything was good. They shouldn't be more than thirty minutes behind us. He asked me to get you back to doc," he murmured, his eyebrows pulled together.

I nodded and turned my head towards the window.

"I'm sorry I passed out on you," I whispered.

I heard Dwight chuckle.

"You saved my life, Piper. The least I could do was make sure you didn't get a concussion when you fell."

A small smile appeared on my face, despite the well of feelings that was still settled in the pit of my stomach.

"Almost forgot about that," I replied.

"Well, I sure fucking didn't. Figures that means I kind of owe you, huh? Feel free to pass out close to me whenever you feel the need."

"I'll keep that in mind," I said, sending him a quick grin.

"You care if I smoke in here?"

"Only if you give me one too," I said, looking over at him.

He raised an eyebrow and looked at me.

"You smoke?" He asked, sounding an awful lot like he didn't believe that.

"No, but I've been known to have one every so often. And I can't think of a better moment to have a cigarette than this one."

He fished his pack out from his pocket and tossed it to me with his lighter. I pulled one out and lit it before handing it to him and doing the same for myself.

"Thanks," he mumbled, before taking a drag.

Silence settled in the cab of the truck as I rolled the window down and stared at the passing trees. Thoughts of everything that had transpired since we had left the Sanctuary filtered through my head.

"Dwight? Do you think I'm a monster?" I asked quietly.

I glanced over at him as his eyes got wide for a second.

"Why would I fucking think that?"

I tilted my head at him before making a show of looking down at my blood covered body.

Dwight let out a sigh.

"Piper, what happened back there was necessary. We all heard what he fucking said. About your family. He deserved every damn thing that happened to him."

"I'm nervous that everyone else is going to think I'm fucking insane. Because maybe I am," I said, letting out a ragged breath and jerking my head back to the window.

I didn't know why I was telling Dwight all of this. It's not like we'd ever had a deep conversation before, but the anger I'd tried to hold onto so hard was starting to dissolve and it's wake was nothing but sadness and fear.

"You're worried about our people thinking you're insane? The same people who follow Negan? Seriously?" he asked, a playful tilt to his voice.

I couldn't stop the laugh that came out of my mouth.

"Do you regret what you did?"

I looked at him for a long moment while I gathered my thoughts.

"No. Not even a little bit." I replied honestly.

And I didn't. I'd felt nothing when I'd killed all of those people and I still didn't feel an ounce of remorse for it.

"Well there you go, Piper. That was your revenge to take. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You did what you had to. You provided supplies for your people. No one thinks you're crazy. If anything, you impressed the fuck out of the savages that we live with."

"I got Ben killed," I whispered, sadness sinking into my body.

"You didn't kill Ben. We lose people on runs all the time. Ben was a good dude. We all knew the risks going in, Piper. That's not on you. And considering what we just went up against, I'd say only losing one person is not that fucking bad."

I looked up at Dwight just as he glanced at me and our eyes locked for a moment.

"I still feel responsible for it. He was nice to me and I just feel like it's another life that's on my hands."

We suddenly came to an abrupt halt and Dwight threw the truck in park. He turned his whole body towards me as he took another drag of his cigarette.

"I know that nothing I say is going to make any of this better for you. There's still deaths I witnessed that I feel responsible for. Every day. But none of the shit that happened was your fault. What Brendan did to your family was not your fault. What happened to Ben was not your fault. We cannot control the decisions or actions of others, Piper. And going through this life thinking that we can is going to eat you alive," he said passionately, his eyes staying locked on mine.

I slowly nodded my head, bringing the cigarette to my lips and pulling smoke into my lungs. Exhaling, I sent a shaky smile in his direction as I tossed the cigarette.

"I don't think I've heard you say that many words since I've known you. Let alone in one conversation," I replied.

He let out a loud laugh that made my smile more genuine. I took the man in and felt a warmth spread in me. I had developed a soft spot for him. He had been kind to me and while he really didn't have to, I appreciated that he had.

"Why did you hate me so much? Before?" I asked, tilting my head at him.

"I wish I could explain it to you. But I can't have you running back to Negan to tell him everything I said," he said, his mouth curving up.

I raised three fingers, "Scouts honor."

He let out another laugh and looked at me while he took another pull from the cigarette before flicking it out his window.

"It wasn't you I didn't like, Piper. It was Negan. You made him happy and I didn't want him to be."

I nodded my head.

"Because of Sherry? And what he did to you?"

"Yeah. I was having a hard time with that shit for a while and seeing him even a little happy irritated the fuck out of me."

Without letting myself think about it too much, I crawled across the seat and wrapped my arms around Dwight's neck, pulling him into a tight hug. A huff left his mouth before he tentatively wrapped his arms around me.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"For what?"

"For making me feel better. You didn't have to," I responded, giving him another squeeze before pulling out of his arms.

He had a bewildered expression on his face.

"Don't tell Negan you hugged me. I'm not trying to have the other side of my face fucked up, too."

I smiled at him.

"I wouldn't let anything happen to you, Dwight. We're friends now, right?"

He returned my smile, "Of course we are. Let's get you back home."

The remainder of the thirty minute drive was filled with small talk. We talked about everything that wasn't important and I knew he was just doing it to keep my mind off of all of the bad shit, like the fact that my parents bodies were only a few feet from me in the truck bed.

Once we reached the Sanctuary, we were let in by an enthusiastic Fat Joey. Dwight parked further from the doors than I had expected and I looked over at him.

"I'm going to go grab a shovel. I'll dig up the graves. You go see doc and get some rest," he said, opening the door.

"Grab two. I'm helping," I said, sliding across the bench seat, making sure my moms box was still safe on the floorboard.

Dwight rounded on me at the speed of light when my feet hit the ground.

"Piper, you just passed out not too long ago. Go rest. I'll come get you when I'm done," he ran his hands through his hair and had an annoyed look on his face.

I leveled him with a glare and started walking towards the fence line, to find a nice spot.

I heard Dwight groan and stomp away.

I looked around the grounds, finding a small grassy patch far enough away from the crops and animals that I didn't think it would cause problems in the future. There was a big shade tree and something in me told me this was the place.

"Here, asshole," Dwight muttered, coming up beside me and pushing a shovel in my hands.

I sent him a bright smile and we got to work. At some point, Fat Joey joined us, mumbling that he'd set someone else on the gate so he could help. It took us a little over an hour to dig the three holes. It was hot, miserable, and my legs and arms were protesting every movement, but I kept going. I couldn't even imagine what I looked like at that point. Covered in blood and sweat, digging a fucking grave.

Everything after that became a bit of a blur. Dwight and Fat Joey had retrieved the bodies and brought them to our little graveyard. I pulled my parents' wedding rings off their bony fingers and shoved them into my pockets with grandpa's necklace before we proceeded to cover all three bodies with the fresh dirt.

No one spoke as we worked. I was holding myself together by a thread as I threw shovel after shovel of dirt onto my mothers body. When it was over, Fat Joey gave me a side hug and trudged off with all three shovels in his hand.

I stood there and stared at the three fresh mounds of dirt, sad that Brendan hadn't told me where Colt's body was. I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders tentatively and glanced up to see Dwight, who was staring at the graves too. I leaned into him for a second.

Death always had a way of bringing people together and I would be forever grateful to Dwight and Fat Joey. They had helped me dig graves that weren't theirs to dig and had been nothing but kind during one of the hardest days of my life.

"I'm sorry about your parents," he muttered, keeping his eyes forward while I rested my body against his.

"Thank you. They were pretty great fucking parents," I responded, my voice catching.

"They did raise an entire hurricane of a woman, so I assumed so," Dwight said, letting a low chuckle out.

"Well, this sure looks fucking cozy," a loud bark came from behind us.

We broke apart and turned around to find a very angry Negan staring at us while gripping Lucille, with Simon, Arat, and Laura flanking either of his sides.

I didn't have the energy for any of the energy rolling off of him, so I just turned back around and pointed to the graves we had dug. Dwight let out a breath and took a few steps away from me before turning around to look too.

A heard a loud sigh before feeling Negan step into my back, pressing his chest to me.

"Your parents?" He asked, in a low rumble.

"And Ben," I said quietly.

"You brought Ben back?" Arat asked, stepping forward.

I nodded my head.

"I didn't want to leave anyone behind."

We all stood there for a few moments, just taking it in.

"We have to go in. Get everyone to start moving shit out of the trucks," Negan said, placing his hand on my waist.

I nodded my head again, not trusting myself to keep it together.

"You all head in, get everyone in the gathering hall," Negan ordered, sending the other four off, but not before each of them patted my shoulder as they walked by.

When Negan was sure everyone was far enough away, the hand on my waist made its way to my arm before he spun me around. I heard Lucille hit the ground as he pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me.

My face immediately nuzzled into his chest as I let out a ragged breath.

One of his hands gripped the back of my head while he kept me locked in his embrace. His smell surrounded me, mixed with sweat and blood, but it was still him.

"I'm so sorry, Negan. I'm so fucking sorry," I gasped, sobs raking through my body for the first time.

"Hey, hey, hey. What could you possibly have to be sorry about, wildflower?" He asked softly, hand running over my head repeatedly.

"Everything. Fucking everything," I cried, pushing my face harder against him.

"No, baby, you have nothing to apologize for. It's okay. Everything's going to be okay," her murmured into my hair.

He gave me another minute before stepping back and gripping both of my arms in his large hands.

"We have to go in there. And I need you to look fearsome when we do. Can you do that for me, wildflower?" He asked, searching my eyes.

I sniffled and nodded my head.

"I think so."

"You can. Breathe it out while we walk back. As soon as we're in our rooms, you can fall apart, I promise. You just have to hold it together in front of everyone else, okay?"

His eyes held mine as he talked. I could see the concern on his face, the way his mouth was pulled down.

"Okay," I responded quietly.

He sighed and grabbed my hand while reaching down to pick up Lucille.

He led me back to where the trucks were parked, letting me stop to grab mom's box, and through the doors to the gathering hall. I held my breath when I realized the entirety of the Sanctuary was on the ground below us, watching every move Negan made as they dropped into a kneel.

I heard a low gasp as Negan pulled me beside him at the railing. My eyes scanned the crowd, searching for the cause of the noise as my eyes landed on Ms. Ellie. The woman was staring up at me with wide, concerned eyes. I didn't have it in me to even send a reassuring smile, I just clutched the box harder to my chest and focused my gaze forward.

"We lost one today. Ben," Negan said, shaking his head for a second before letting it drop as a few murmurs went throughout the crowd, "It's fucking sucks. Ben was a good man and an amazing Savior. So remember him well, because he was one badass motherfucker."

His head raised again to look at the crowd.

"I want you all to help bring shit in to be processed. Saviors will be watching and directing you where to put everything. Don't get fucking handsy. We brought back a lot of shit. You can all thank Piper here for that," he bellowed, pointing to me.

I swallowed as all eyes turned to me. Looks of horror mirrored everyone's faces as they took in my appearance.

"Get to it," Negan barked.

He snatched my hand as he pulled me through the Sanctuary, down halls and up steps until we finally made it to our rooms. I found it hard to focus on anything other than keeping the parts of me that threatened to shatter in place. My eyes stayed on the ground as we walked and shortly, I realized we were in our bathroom.

Negan's hands cautiously started removing pieces of clothing. He didn't speak while he did it and seemed to be scanning my body for any injuries after every piece of fabric hit the floor. His eyes were dark and his hands were so gentle.

He continued to work as I stood before him, shivering. He left me standing there naked as he undressed himself and flipped on the shower. Like I might break, his hand tenderly clasped onto mine as he pulled me in.

The moment the warm water hit me my body sagged into Negan's. My head rested on his chest, under his chin and his hands were suddenly everywhere. Rubbing shampoo and then conditioner into my hair, washing my face and body. He scrubbed until my skin was raw and I finally felt clean.

Two of his fingers pushed my chin up until I was looking at him.

"There's my pretty girl. I figured she was under there somewhere," he murmured, smiling down at me.

My eyes stayed on his. If I just focused on him, maybe everything else would go away.

"It's okay, wildflower. Fall apart. I got you," he whispered.

That was all the permission I needed. Everything I had been trying to keep a handle on came out in a tidal wave of emotion that nearly suffocated me.

Negan lifted me in his arms as I came apart in front of him, trying to pick up every piece of myself that fell. He carried me to our bed and crawled in beside me, pulling me tight to his chest as he cooed words of comfort in my ear.

I didn't know how long we stayed there, how long he held me while I sobbed into his chest, but I eventually fell into a restless sleep where my dreams were not much better than reality.