Chapter 241 – Intensive Personal Conversations

"I love you and nothing is going to change that." Elizabeth said. "We have this connection that makes our relationship seem like it has been some much longer than it has been. I want you to slow down and do what you need to do to make yourself the best you can be before we get married. If that means leaving for a day or two to deal with things, I understand. I just want you to be able to work through the frustration and anger that I have heard you express this evening. It is not good to keep that inside. I know. I have my journal to pour things out into and that has worked for me. When it hasn't, I have sought out others to talk to. Right now, you need to talk to someone. Talk to Father Mark. Talk to Frank. Or find someone else that you can talk to because if you keep everything in like you are, you are only going to drive yourself to an early grave. Another friend of mine, her father was a lot like you and he was angry and frustrated all the time. He had a massive heart attack when he was forty and didn't survive. I love you and selfishly I want you around longer than that."

Elizabeth leaned and gave Jack a couple of quick kisses.

"I will see you in the morning." Elizabeth said.

She then stood, picked up her book and started toward her room. Father Mark nodded to her as she went by. After Elizabeth left, Father Mark sat there watching Jack. He was looking at his eyes until Jack closed them. He was also watching Jack's facial expressions until he leaned forward and dropped his head into his hands. Finally, Father Mark was watching Jack's body language. Everything was telling Father Mark that there was something more to what Jack was saying or more specifically what he wasn't saying. Father Mark gave Jack a few more minutes to tell him, before asking him directly.

"So what aren't you saying?" Father Mark said. "I can see in your eyes and body language. There is something more to your anger or frustration than what you are saying to me right now. I am only pushing you because we can't deal with it until you name what it is. If you can't put it into words, that is something different, but I know you. I have known you since you were born. You might not be the most poetic guy, but I know that you know how to put things into words and speak what you mean."

Father Mark sat back, but kept his eyes glued to Jack. He was watching for any signs that Jack was giving off. Jack had his head in his hands and was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He was going to wait for Jack to respond, but also wasn't going to let him off the hook. He knew that Jack needed to talk about whatever was going on, no matter how much he thought he didn't. Father Mark knew Jack well and thought he had an idea what Jack wasn't saying. He wasn't sure if Jack was embarrassed or just didn't want to talk about it.

Finally Jack let out a groan and flopped back on the couch. He covered his face with his hands.

"It is embarrassing." Jack sighed.

"So." Father Mark said.

"Just drop it." Jack asked.

"No." Father Mark said.

"Are you really going to make me talk about this with you?" Jack asked.

"Yes." Father Mark said. "Or you could have this conversation with either of your grandfathers."

Jack groaned and shook his head, like that was a worse fate.

"Okay." Father Mark said. "I may be a priest, but I remember being a teenager and even a teenager who liked someone. So just talk to me. It is nothing that I haven't heard or experienced before. Because I am not the only one that is picking up on your frustration and holding back."

Jack let out a harsh breath.

"Fine." Jack huffed.

Jack sat back up and looked at Father Mark for a moment and then dropped his head back to his hands and elbows on his knees.

"You know that I would never push Elizabeth or force her to do anything." Jack said.

"Yes." Father Mark said.

"That said." Jack said. "It is getting harder and harder to be around her. I have never reacted like this to another woman. It is like I can't even control it. I get a whiff of her perfume and I react; or even the slightest touch from her sets my body on fire. It is a fire I have never felt and there are times that a cold shower is barely enough to put it out. She grabs my hand to hold it and it feels like electricity is shooting up my arm. I can't stand it. I just want to feel normal for five minutes so I can think straight.

In the last two weeks I have had more wet dreams than I can ever remember having. It is embarrassing to wake up like that. Not only do I feel physically dirty, but I feel like I have done something wrong and hate that feeling. I know that I am not trying to be lustful with Elizabeth, and I am trying very hard to be completely respectful and a gentleman. It is just that she does things to me that I have never experienced before. It is like she comes near me and no matter how I try, I lose complete control of my body.

I just want to feel normal again, because I want to spend time with Elizabeth and I know that she wants to spend time with me. The reason that I have been hesitant to spend time alone is because of how I react to her. As much as I try to control my reactions, she pushes me and there have been several times that I have not wanted to stop and if she hadn't pulled back, it would have led to a place that I said I wasn't going to. At least now, I can see how easy it is to cross that line and get to the point of no return, because I have been so close to that line more times than I can count over the last two weeks, but especially in the last week."

Jack looked up again and you could see the blush that had stained his face. You could see that Jack didn't want to talk about this, but that he also wanted some answers. For a moment, Father Mark was angry at his uncle for not better preparing Jack about things. He knew that the schools didn't cover things like that, but that was no reason for a father to not have that kind of conversation with his teenage son, no matter how embarrassing it was to either of them. Father Mark suddenly could see how teenagers were more willing to cross a line that they never meant because they hadn't been told about things. Father Mark took a deep breath and slowly let it out while he figured out what he could say to his cousin.

"What you are experiencing is normal." Father Mark said. "I am sorry that I don't have anything else for you, but it is normal. I think that you might be having heightened responses since you have never really been interested in a woman before. The only thing I can offer you is to walk away when things start to get too intense. Cold showers and finding a different outlet for the pent up energy. You need a release and since you can't get a release the way you are thinking, you need something else. If it a work out that gives you that release for a bit, then that is what you have to do. It is different for every man. But you need to find something, because there are going to be times for the rest of your life that you will feel like this, even after you are married. There will be times that you won't be able to go to Elizabeth to get the release that you are looking for.

I will also say that what is happening is not a sin. It might feel like that, but you can't control what you dream about nor your body's response while that is happening. You are doing all the right things. I have seen that you are being respectful of Elizabeth and I have never known you to be lustful, so just let it go. It isn't like you are watching adult videos and going to be thinking about those. I am sure that you thoughts of Elizabeth have strayed over to what you think is sinful, but you can't control your subconscious and I know you aren't doing it intentionally. I know that it doesn't feel great when that happens, not only is it physically uncomfortable. But I can see why you would feel mentally and emotionally uncomfortable as well."

"Why do you think I ran ten miles on the treadmill in a gym that was set at sixty-two degrees." Jack said. "I then stood under an ice cold shower for another fifteen minutes. Finally, I collapsed here on the couch, but still tossed and turned for most of the night with dreams."

"I am sorry that you are struggling." Father Mark said. "I am glad that you are trying to do other things. I don't know what else I can say to you that will help. I will pray for you. In reality, less than six weeks is not that much longer to wait. I know that it won't be easy, but the good things in life never are.

There are times that I still struggle with things like that as an almost thirty year old man and priest. Just because I was ordained, it doesn't mean that God took those thoughts and desires away. I have learned over the years to redirect my thoughts and shut my body down the minute that I start feeling anything along those lines. That doesn't mean that I don't still struggle when I see a beautiful woman. It is just that I have learned over the years to better control things. I still pray every day for strength when it comes to those things.

Have you been praying about it? Have you asked God to help you keep the vow that you made? I know that has helped me over the years. But like I said, it is normal and absolutely natural what you are experiencing. If you weren't then I would have other questions and concerns for you."

Jack just looked at Father Mark like he had two heads.

"John Parker." Father Mark said. "Don't look at me like that. I told you just because I was ordained, it doesn't mean that I am not still a man who has the same reactions and same desires as other men. I just chose to forgo those things for God and the furtherment of His kingdom."

"I guess I never thought about it like that." Jack said. "And no I haven't prayed about it. I have been too embarrassed."

"How about we pray about it together." Father Mark said. "Then you can go run again, while I head to bed."

"Okay." Jack said.

Jack held out his hands to Father Mark and he took them.

"Lord God." Father Mark prayed. "We come to You right now and ask for strength. Strength to control the desires that You, Yourself gave man. Jack has chosen to honor You and not engage in intimate relations before marriage as You intended. Please help him with what he is feeling and help him to be able to walk away before either him or Elizabeth cross a line that they have chosen not to at this point. We know that what Jack is feeling is completely normal reactions that You gave man, but Jack is struggling with how to deal with them in an appropriate manner. Please help him to honor You and keep his vow to You until his wedding and after.

Since we are here, I also pray that You help Jack and Elizabeth as they continue to prepare for their upcoming wedding in less than six weeks. Help them to make the decisions needed and that things would fall into place for them to have the wedding that they want. I pray that You open their hearts and that they can share things with each other. Help me to know how to help them as they get ready for the vocation of marriage that You have called them to. Amen."

"Amen." Jack said.

Father Mark let go of Jack's hands and Jack wiped them across his face and sat back.

"Thank you." Jack said. "I think I am going to go for a short run. I promise, I won't stay up too late."

"Okay." Father Mark said. "Please try to sleep in your bed, it has to be more comfortable than the couch."

"Six of one." Jack said. "Have a dozen of the other. I think that couch is actually pretty comfortable. I could sleep on either."

Father Mark just shook his head. He stood up and kissed that top of Jack's down hung head before he headed to their room. Father Mark was worried about Jack, but at least he had gotten him to open up a bit. He had figured it had to be something like Jack had described. Father Mark also knew it was a big step for Jack to open up and actually talk about something so intimate. He had danced around issues like that in the past and never really would say much. Father Mark knew Jack was embarrassed, but he also knew that he had to push Jack to talk about it or Jack was never going to be honest. Father Mark knew talking about sexuality and his body's natural responses to things had never been easy for Jack. He wondered if it had something to do with how Jack's parents raised him and were always telling him not to show emotion or anything. Father Mark thought about it and remembered hearing his aunt scold Jack for even having the slightest display of emotion or natural human reactions.

Part of Father Mark felt so bad for Jack and wondered if he should reconsider doing the wedding and have Jack and Elizabeth wait a year. He knew that they loved each other and had a deep connection despite the short amount of time they had known each other, but on the other hand he knew that they both had stunted emotional growth. He knew both to be smart and fairly mature for two eighteen year olds, but he worried about their emotional health. Both had been dealing or not dealing as the case may be with so much. They have also had so many changes already.

Father Mark wondered if he was doing the right thing. He realized that the only thing he could do was to pray for them, so that is what he did. Father Mark got up, knelt at his bedside and prayed in earnest for Jack and Elizabeth. At one point as he prayed, he dropped his head to the bed and silently wept for his cousin and everything that had happened. He had no idea how his aunt and uncle could do something so awful as abandoning their own child. He prayed and wept for the cousin that he never knew, as he firmly believed that all children were a gift from God.

Father Mark couldn't believe that his aunt and uncle were so shallow and self absorbed that just because a child had challenges they didn't deserve to be loved. He knew that his grandmother would have loved and doted on that child, regardless of the challenges. The thing that upset him the most about the abandonment was he knew several children/adults with Down Syndrome. They were all loving and caring people, even more so than people without Downs. He knew that they also had their issues, but he knew of at least four adults with Downs in the parish who were living semi-independently and held down jobs that they have had for years.

After what turned out to be over an hour and half of praying and silently weeping, Father Mark literally crawled into bed physically and emotionally spent. He had felt like that for a very long time. There had been times he was physically spent from being busy or emotionally spent like after a funeral, but to be both was something he had felt in a number of years. The last thing that Father Mark did before collapsing onto his pillow was turn his alarm off. He then collapsed onto his pillow and fell into a motionless sleep.

Nathan had heard him weeping and praying and looked over when he heard Father Mark crawl into bed. The thing is that Nathan would find Father Mark in the exact same position as he collapsed several hours later when he woke to his alarm.

Jack sat there for a few more minutes before he shut the TV off and headed to the gym. The first thing that he did was turn the temperature down. He then went to change into his running shoes. He then striped off his tee-shirt, dropped it on the bench with a towel and walked over to the treadmill. Jack started slowly, but as he tried to work things out in his head, as well as speaking them out loud, he was getting more worked up and his pace would pick up. He ended up running at a good clip for a while, then he would slow down and go back to his thoughts which would lead to him increasing his pace again.

It was a back and forth for the next hour. Jack didn't even look at his speed or how far he ran, he just wanted to run until he was physically drained. Jack wasn't sure that he had found any solutions, but after an hour, he started to feel physically tired, so he slowed down and eventually came to a stop on the treadmill. He stood there for several minutes dripping in sweat. He finally stepped down and toweled off his face. He then slowly made his way to the shower. He rinsed off with cool water and then sat on the small bench in the shower and let the ice cold water run over his body for the next twenty minutes. Jack just let the water numb his body as well as his mind. Jack sat there under the cold water until he felt numb – physically and mentally. He didn't want to think about things any more and he thought if his body was numb from the cold, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to sleep.

After toweling off, Jack took the muscle rub that Gran had made and rubbed in a good amount on both legs and into his hips. He even covered his feet with muscle rub and put on clean socks. He then pulled on a pair of loose lightweight silk lounge pants over his boxer briefs. He grabbed a shirt, but then put it back. He knew that he should have a shirt on when walking around the house, but it was late and he didn't care. He then went to the corner of the gym where the brick wall was exposed and slid down the cool wall until he was sitting on the cool concrete floor. Jack pulled his knees up and dropped his head to his arms that were across his knees.

Jack had only intended to rest for a few moments to let his body recover before he headed to bed, but without warning, he started weeping. Body shaking, uncontrollable weeping, like he had never experienced before. Sure he had cried before, he had cried hard the night before, but this was something that Jack had never experienced before. He was weeping so hard, he was having a hard time breathing and his body was shaking. He tried to stop, but he couldn't. So he just sat there on the cool concrete floor with his back against the cool brick and wept like had never wept before.

Jack wasn't sure if he passed out or if he fell asleep, but when he was next aware of the time, it was close to three am and he heard it raining outside, along with the thunder and lightning. He slowly stretched his body because he was stiff and it hurt to move. He took a moment before getting up to make sure he had stretched out. Then he walked over to the shower area and put some more muscle rub on the sore spots that he could reach. He dropped the lounge pants in his open locker and pulled on a pair of loose track shorts.

When he was done, he slipped his shirt back on, turned the temperature in the gym back to normal and slowly, but quietly went to his room. He carefully climbed into his top bunk without waking Father Mark. Jack chose to lay sprawled out on his stomach with his arms under his head and that is how he fell asleep as soon as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Again, Nathan had woken slightly when Jack had come in. Once he saw that Jack was safely in his bed, he rolled back over to get some more sleep. Nathan was worried about both Jack and Father Mark, he might not have known either of them very long, but from what he could see, something happened and they were both physically, emotionally and mentally spent. He made a mental note to let them both sleep if they didn't wake with the alarms.