Chapter 247 – Jack's Confession (long)

The last thing that Jack wanted was to deal with people at the moment, so hiding out in the gym was his solution at the moment. He felt ashamed and embarrassed at what had happened and what he had done. He knew that he wouldn't be able to face his grandmother at the moment. He also knew that Doug wouldn't have shared what happened, but he still felt like she would just know. She always seemed to know what happened when she looked at him. She was the one person that he wouldn't even think of lying to since she could read him so well. Even his own parents couldn't tell when he was lying to them. Not that he lied to them a lot, but he had done his share of it just because it was easier than to explain what he was really doing. He could say that he was going to Doug's and there weren't many questions. So that is how he lied to them about his music. He could look at his mother and with a straight face tell her pretty much anything and she wouldn't know the difference.

Jack wasn't proud of it, but he had been told when he wanted to, he had a great poker face. He knew that with his great poker face and incredible mind, he could do well at any casino. It was part of the reason that his grandfather had sat him down last year and talked to him about going to casinos since he was turning eighteen. John didn't care if he went, but there would always be rules. He had to take someone with him. He had to talk to Connor beforehand and there would be a strict limit imposed. It wasn't that John didn't trust Jack, it was that John didn't trust the casinos. He had seen what could happen to young people at a casino when the establishment learned the young person or any person really, had access to large amounts of cash. They would encourage higher bets at higher tables and other activities that John didn't approve of.

Had Jack, Doug and Lee gone to a local area casino after they were eighteen? Yes, but Devin had gone with them and they each took less than two hundred dollars. It was the point they had wanted to do something that other young people their age did as a rite of passage. It was one of the few times that Jack had felt like a normal kid as he called it. There had been a few other times, but for the most part, Jack had always felt set apart from his peers from an early age. He had always gone to a private school or had tutors, but even among the other kids at his school he was set apart. Jack had his own security at the school for the longest time. Most of the other kids knew who his grandfather was, especially as they got older. Then when Jack gained success on the jumping field it was more obvious that he was set apart from the others.

Jack had known from a very early age that he was different then other children. He didn't understand the money until he was a bit older, but there had always been something that he couldn't explain that made him feel set apart and different. If you would have asked him before, he would have said it was because he was smart and that he saw things differently. Later he would add that his family's money made him feel set apart from others. Others would have said it was because of who Jack's family was or because he had the extra security. Whatever excuse was used by Jack or other people he had never truly felt like he had belonged anywhere.

The most that he had felt included was when he was with Doug and Lee, but even that had been a struggle at first. They might have been friends from the first time that they had met, but it started out as more out of necessity. They had all felt so out of place as young teenage boys at a charity function, that they had gotten together simply because they had all been in the same situation. It had taken a while for them to each let the others behind the walls that they had built to protect themselves over the years. Despite how close they were at the present time, it didn't look like that to start with. It had only been going through all that they had been through to get to where they were. One thing the three of them had decided early on, was that they would always try to remain friends no matter where life would take them. Jack was realizing that it was going to be work, especially the next few years as he was going to be at a different stage in life then they were. Jack prayed that Doug and Lee could find the partners they were supposed to spend their lives with soon, so that they could all raise their children together.

As Jack sat there, he realized that something had shifted in his thinking and he finally realized what it was that always made him feel like he was different from other children. He also finally figured out his borderline obsession with twins. It was because he was what he learned was called a twinless twin or possibly a lone twin. It is what it is usually referred to when one twin dies, especially in utero, but also later in life. Jack wasn't sure if the term applied, but as he had looked into it he felt it fit. He wasn't sure if his sister was alive, but they had been separated and therefore Jack had suffered a loss that he had been unable to explain or even express before a few days ago.

Jack had been glad that people left him alone to work on things himself. His grandparents knew that he didn't take days like he had that day. They knew that he must have been struggling to not want to be around people. The earlier thunderstorms helped give him an excuse to stay inside. But he knew that with Chief Burke arriving and the holiday, that his time alone was limited. He figured he only had max twenty minutes before Doug came looking for him again. Jack raised his head and saw that it had stopped raining. It was still overcast, but it looked like it was going to be clear for the helicopter to make the trip.

Jack sat back against the wall and stretched since he had been sitting in the same position for a while. He continued to stretch until he heard the door open. Jack looked over and wasn't surprised to see Father Mark walk in. Jack figured Doug would send him or Frank to talk to him. Jack finished stretching his hip and then turned to look over at Father Mark, motioning him to join him.

"How about we talk?" Father Mark said.

"Kind of what I meant." Jack said. "I was just stretching. I have been sitting here for a while."

"I know." Father Mark said. "Trish was down to change the laundry that was started earlier. She heard Elizabeth's room was quiet and she didn't answer the door. She checked but it was locked. She looked in on you, but saw you sitting here with your head down. We all agreed to leave you alone. But Chief Burke is in the air and Gran is expecting people to have a nice supper. Doug didn't say what happened and Gran didn't ask. She figured that things had gotten a little heated between you and Elizabeth. Especially since Elizabeth has come upstairs and is hiding in the library. She can't seem to look anyone in the eye. I was planning on talking to her after talking to you. I figured you needed just a bit more than her at the moment, especially since Trish or Gran can talk to her and solve her problems. I have a feeling that I might be the only one that can make you feel better, or at least less guilty."

Jack blushed and ducked his head.

"I thought so." Father Mark said. "Care to tell me what happened?"

Jack let out a harsh breath and ran his hand over his face. Father Mark just silently prayed, he knew that Jack was struggling to talk to him about what happened. It always happened when things got a little too personal. Father Mark was going to give Jack a little time, but he wasn't going to let him off the hook. Jack wasn't a kid anymore and he needed to face things. Father Mark had been pushing Jack to be more open and to start dealing with things, especially since he had been confirmed more than a year before. It was part of the process of growing up and Father Mark knew that Jack held some deep things that he had refused to deal with and he knew that at some point those things would surface and Jack would have to deal with them.

…. …. ….

As Father Mark had been sitting there praying for Jack, he momentarily got lost in his thoughts thinking about Jack's confirmation. Jack had waited a year to get confirmed because he didn't feel like he was ready when he was sixteen. Lee and Doug had decided to go ahead and do it the year before, but Jack didn't feel he was ready, so took an extra year of instruction and was confirmed with the class behind him. Father Mark had gotten special permission from his Bishop to be there to con-celebrate the Confirmation Mass at St Luke's in Astoria. It was special since the Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan himself was celebrating the mass and would be the one to confirm the students who were to be presented. It was special since most of the time confirmation was assigned to one of the Auxiliary Bishops. But since Archbishop Dolan knew the Thorntons, he had chosen to celebrate that Mass himself. So there were three members of the clergy who would be doing the mass.

It wasn't until the day before when they had held a rehearsal, that Father Mark learned that he would be able to come stand with Jack and Bill while the Archbishop made the sign of the cross on Jack with the Chrism Oil used. Father Mark thought about how proud Bill looked to be standing there with Jack. Father Mark's thoughts then drifted to the special matching shirts and ties that John had made for Jack and Bill. They were crisp white silk shirts with a small fish with Greek letters embroidered on the pocket. The ties were red with a slightly darker shade of red crosses. Each also wore a black suit coat with black dress jeans. Bill wore dress shoes and much to his mother's dismay, Jack wore black cowboy boots.

Father Mark and Bill had stood there while Jack proudly announced that his confirmation name was going to be St Eligius. He wasn't the most well known saint, but the three men standing there at that moment in front of the Archbishop knew the significance of the name as he was the patron saint of equestrians. Given everything that had happened, Father Mark thought it was a huge step forward in Jack's healing and he had held out hope that Jack would ride again one day.

Overall, it had been a wonderful day and it had been nice to have everyone there to celebrate. Since Lee and Doug had been confirmed the year before, they were able to spend the day with Jack. Charlotte had insisted on hosting a huge party back at the house. Jack wasn't surprised that there had been more then a hundred people there. They had a nice meal and time to visit. Jack had spent most of the day with Bill, Father Mark, Doug and Lee. He would speak to everyone as they came up to the table that the guys had set up. Father Mark remembered Jack actually smiling and laughing that day as they had fun. It had been something that had been sorely missing his life the previous few years.

It was one of the few times that Thomas had put his foot down and not allowed Tommy to throw a tantrum and interrupt things. He thought that it helped that the Archbishop was there along with both of his grandfathers. Those three men had sat and visited for most of the afternoon. It had been a wonderful spring day to celebrate. Father Mark was glad when the Church had switched Confirmation to be during the Easter season if at all possible. It was still permitted at other times, but parishes were encouraged to try and have Confirmation and First Holy Communion during the time after Easter and before Pentecost. They knew it was a busy time of the year, being spring and all, but it held so much more meaning for it to happen during one of the holiest seasons of the Church

Father Mark was broken from his thoughts of Jack's confirmation when Jack let out a harsh breath and slapped the wall.

…. …. ….

"I know that you are frustrated." Father Mark said.

"It is more than that." Jack said. "I am ashamed to tell you, I don't want you to think less of me because of what I did."

Father Mark closed his eyes and said a prayer. Jack watched his face closely. It wasn't anger or disgust that was on his face, but concern and worry. Jack felt horrible and Father Mark thought he knew what Jack was going to tell him, but he still needed Jack to physically say the words out loud. He also knew that it was going to be hard for Jack to talk about those things, So Father Mark prayed for strength and understanding.

"You are not going to feel better until you talk to me." Father Mark said. "You know that no matter what you tell me, that I will never hold it against you and I won't repeat it. I know that us being related makes things complicated and I have generally asked that you not seek me out for confession, but this is one time that I think speaking to me is going to be easier than anyone else. I can see it in your eyes. Not talking about it is only going to make you feel worse. That gnawing feeling in your stomach is only going to get worse. Also there is nothing you can confess that would change the way I feel about you. We are all human and we all fall short of God's glory."

"I know." Jack said. "I never meant for things to go that far. Both Elizabeth and I pushed each other. We were both willing. I should have been the gentleman and never let it get that far. I almost lost complete control and am grateful that Doug arrived when he did."

"So talk to me." Father Mark said.

Father Mark moved to sit next to Jack on the floor. He thought it might be easier if they were on the same level and not staring at each other. He also wanted to be there to offer comfort to Jack if needed. Father Mark knew that would be easier if they were sitting side by side.

"You believe me when I said I didn't mean for it to happen." Jack said. "I didn't push Elizabeth more than she was willing. We crossed a line, but we didn't cross that last line, no matter how close we were racing toward it."

"I believe you." Father Mark said. "Now just talk to me."

Jack started telling Father Mark everything that happened from the moment that Elizabeth had come downstairs. He told him what he was feeling and what he did. Jack did his best to speak without too much emotion, as he talked about things with surprising openness. He continued telling him what happened and how he felt after Doug stepped in to stop things. Father Mark felt Jack struggle as he spoke, having to take a few deep breaths to calm himself again. What surprised Father Mark even more was how open Jack was about what he did, was thinking and feeling. It was a new level of openness Jack displayed that didn't often come out, especially when he was talking about his feelings. When Father Mark felt Jack shake, he looked over.

"Thank you for being so open with me." Father Mark said. "But I have a strong sense that there is something else, I saw it in your eyes before."

"I can't." Jack said.

Father Mark put his hand on Jack's back and rubbed small circles. Jack was still shaking and he was trying to comfort his cousin so he could continue. Father Mark knew that Jack needed to talk about the rest and he had a feeling he knew what was coming, but still needed Jack to voice it.

"Yes, you can." Father Mark encouraged. "As hard as it is, you need to get it all out in the open. You also need to make a complete confession. So whatever you are holding back and hiding, needs to be brought into the light."

Finally after some stuttering, Jack confessed what he did in the shower and how awful he felt, but also how much physical pain he had been in prior to seeking a physical release. Father Mark just let Jack speak without interruption, he knew from experience that it worked better to just let the person talk. Jack talked about how he felt afterwards and how he had sat in the shower and scrubbed his skin feeling dirty. Jack was on the verge of tears again, but held them so he could get through what he needed to say.

When Jack was done talking, he again dropped his head to his arms that were perched across his drawn up knees. A few tears slipped out as Jack hung his head. Father Mark put his hand back on Jack's back in a measure of comfort. He waited a moment while quietly praying. For the moment, Father Mark was glad that the gym was mostly sound proof, especially with the door closed. He knew that the family would give them time, but he didn't want someone to accidently come looking for them. He was also sure that was why Doug had suggested that he come down and talk to Jack. So he was pretty sure that they wouldn't be interrupted.

"Thank you for being honest with me." Father Mark said. "I know that wasn't easy for you to tell me. Do you now see why I cautioned you before about putting yourselves in tempting situations? I am not judging you, but I want you to see that I just mean to help guard your heart these least few weeks before the wedding. It is going to be hard and hard to stop with Elizabeth if you continue to push the boundaries."

"I know." Jack said. "I also know that I need to sit down and have an awkward but honest conversation with Elizabeth. Not only do I feel bad for getting us in that position where people would question our intentions, but I am ashamed of my actions in the shower. I haven't done that in over six years. I stopped after I made my purity pledge."

"I understand." Father Mark said. "You know that just because you fell, doesn't mean that it is over. But there is still one more thing that you are holding back, you had told me before you didn't feel you could voice it outloud or when you had it hadn't been well received. It might not be about this situation, at least not specifically, but if there is something that hasn't been brought into the light, now is the time. It is long past due that you deal with whatever it is. Holding it in is doing nothing but causing you stress and not allowing you to move forward."

Jack turned slightly away from Father Mark and wiped a few tears. Jack still didn't feel he could voice his thoughts and not have it affect his family relationships. Father Mark gently turned Jack back toward him. He put his hand on Jack's shoulder and lifted Jack's head so he could look him in the eye.

"Jack." Father Mark said gently.

Jack closed his eyes and shook his head.

"You are not going to be able to heal and move forward until you voice whatever it is." Father Mark said. "It might as well be to me within the seal of confession. I promise it can't be that bad. Whatever it is, we can deal with it."

Again, Jack shook his head.

"John Parker Eligius Thornton." Father Mark said with a hint of warning in his voice.

Jack knew he was serious since he had used his full name plus his confirmation name. Jack swallowed hard and slowly opened his eyes to look at his cousin, who wasn't so much his cousin at the moment and more just a spiritual mentor. Jack saw the softness in Father Mark's eyes and knew that he had to tell him, no matter how much it might hurt him to hear it. Jack took a deep breath and nodded. Father Mark sat back, but kept his hand on Jack's knee as support.

"I want to start by saying that this isn't meant to hurt anyone." Jack said.

Father Mark nodded that he understood.

"The reason that I have refused to go visit Laura, especially in the last year." Jack said. "It's because I can't stand to see her like that. She wouldn't have wanted to live like that and I honestly feel that we should have just let her die. She lived to ride and be with horses, now she doesn't hardly even know who she is. She can't walk or talk. She can barely eat. Her eyes are empty. I can't look at her like that. It would be easier to accept that she will never do things again if she was gone and not just some shell of a person confined to a facility for the rest of her life."

It took everything within Father Mark not to react to Jack's words. There was a time that Father Mark wasn't sure what to pray for when it came to Laura, so just prayed for God's will to be done. When Laura survived, he felt it was meant to be. However, Father Mark could see how Jack would feel as he did. Father Mark took a deep breath and slowly blew it out before he spoke to Jack. For himself, Jack was again feeling ashamed, so he hung his head once again after he had finished speaking.

"I can see how you would feel like that." Father Mark said. "I have had conflicted feelings about it over the years myself. However, I prayed that God's will be done and that is all we can do. If God wanted to take her back to Himself, he would have. When He didn't, all we can do is to continue to pray for Laura and that God holds her in His hand."

Jack nodded.

"I obviously won't say anything." Father Mark said. "But you also need to come to some peace about this because I have a feeling that Gran and Grandpa would like for Laura to be here for the show next week. I know for a fact that she had already called the facility to see if it was even possible."

"I didn't even think about that." Jack said.

"We can talk more about that later." Father Mark said. "But you know that you are going to have to start the conversation when we do."

Jack nodded in understanding.

"You have confessed your sins and have come with a humble heart." Father Mark said. "So if you would say an act of contrition."

Jack shifted to kneel on the mat in front of Father Mark. For his part, Father Mark sat on the bench with Jack in front of him. Father Mark pulled out a small pocket book of prayers that he had brought with him. Jack looked up at Father Mark, who nodded to him. For Jack it was weird to give a confession in his home gym, but when he looked at Father Mark sitting there with the small prayer book and the small purple stole around his neck, Jack was instantly transported to a confessional at Church.

"O my God," Jack prayed. "I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because of thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. Amen."

Father Mark put his hand on Jack's head and prayed the words of Absolution.

"God the Father of mercies," Father Mark prayed. "Through the death and resurrection of His Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

After Father Mark had prayed over Jack, he made the sign of the cross. Jack let out a deep breath. He did feel better, but he also knew that he had steps that he still needed to take care of. He wasn't looking forward to talking to Elizabeth and thought about having Father Mark there help facilitate the conversation.

Father Mark took off his purple stole, kissed it and put it back in the front cover of his small prayer book. He then looked at Jack who had sat back on his heels. He saw the difference in Jack's eyes and knew he was more at peace then when he had first come down to the gym.

"Enough of this heavy stuff." Father Mark said. "If you want, I can sit and help with that conversation with Elizabeth. I don't know if it would be worse or better for you. But know that I will be there to help you."

"Thank you." Jack said. "I was debating that as well. I think it might be better if you are there to help Elizabeth and I thought of this conversation."

"I think you need to get dressed properly." Father Mark said. "I will head up and you can come up in a few minutes."

Jack looked down at himself and realized that he was still in his silk lounge pants and no shirt.

"I will run to my room and do that." Jack said.

"Good." Father Mark said. "Then I will see you upstairs. I think I heard the helicopter a few minutes ago."

"I think you are right." Jack said.

They walked out of the gym together, shutting off the lights as they left. Jack went straight to his room and Father Mark headed upstairs.