"No."
Hermione snorted, "Yes."
"No," Severus repeated staring her down.
"Dad. It's not your decision." she sighed.
"Not my decision! Clearly, it needs to be someone else's decision, your judgement is compromised." he turned to his wife, "I suggest we get her to St Mungo's. The Janus Thickey ward will still let us visit."
Helen laughed, winding her arm around her husband's shoulders, "You're being ridiculous."
"I am not!" he retorted. "She is clearly suffering from some sort of delusion!"
"Dad!" Hermione protested.
"It's going to be alright," he soothed, "We're going to get some nice medication which will make it all better."
"Dad!" Hermione laughed, "Mum, talk sense into him."
"When have I ever been able to do that," Helen retorted.
"You picked him!" Hermione whined. "This is your fault."
Severus frowned, "I feel like I should be offended. Is this how this works? One day she's small and adores me and the next she grows up, meets an unsuitable boy and questions my place in her life?"
"He is not unsuitable." Hermione protested.
"Ah, but you're not questioning my place in your life."
"Dad," Hermione whined, rolling her eyes.
"Where did we go wrong?" he lamented.
"I feel like I should point out that if you have gone wrong it's all your own fault," she muttered mulishly, "You chose us too."
"And you repay me by trying to inflict a Weasley on me!" he retorted.
"Oh my god," she muttered. "Dad. Fred is coming to dinner. I am not going to the Janus Thickey ward and you are going to be polite."
"Am I?" he muttered.
"Mum!"
Helen sighed, eyeing both her husband and daughter and not for the first time wondered whether marrying a man as stubborn as her daughter had already shown herself to be as a toddler was a wise decision on her part. That perhaps she should have gone for someone mild-mannered and easygoing that would have potentially tempered her daughter's more stubborn characteristics and perhaps, would have prevented ridiculous conversations such as this one. "Is Fred stubborn?" she asked suddenly.
Hermione's brow creased. "I mean…sometimes. Why?"
Helen sighed heavily. "I'm going to get wine," she muttered, standing suddenly.
Hermione's eyes met her stepfathers. "What did I miss?" she checked.
"I don't know," he admitted slowly.
"Ah. Professor, Mrs Snape." Fred attempted a smile, trying to pretend that he wasn't feeling utterly out of his depth facing his girlfriend's mother and his most feared professor.
"Mr Weasely," Severus drawled, his arms crossing over his chest as he peered down his nose at the boy, slightly annoyed to realise that the boy had grown and was now up to his shoulder.
"For god's sake, let him in Severus," Helen sighed, clutching her wine like it was life-giving, she peered at her glass, handing it to him. "Please get me more wine."
Severus frowned at her, "are you alright?"
"Wonderful." she nodded, "Remus Lupin's quite mild mannered isn't he?"
Severus looked startled, "I…what?"
Helen hummed, "Although Hermione would have walked all over him," she sighed.
"Mum? Is there a reason we're all standing at the door?" Hermione walked closer, "Fred!"
"Hi," he breathed, a smile spreading across his face.
"No!" Severus barked. "Don't smile!"
"Dad for heaven's sake," Hermione muttered, reaching past him to tug Fred into the house. "I'm sorry, they're more insane than normal today."
He hummed, "it…well. I want to say it's fine. But quite frankly this is scary enough as it is."
She laughed, pulling him into the living room, "I'd say you get used to it but today is truly one of the stranger days we've had. I'm slightly concerned Mums lost the plot."
"Your mums lost the plot?" he repeated looking worried.
"Yeah. I don't know what's gotten into her. Other than wine apparently. She asked if you were stubborn then started drinking."
Fred looked startled, "I don't know what to say to that." he admitted.
"Don't worry, I don't either." she dismissed.
"Right." he looked quite frankly terrified as he sat down.
"I don't like this," Severus muttered, walking into the room.
"We know."
"A Weasley twin Hermione!"
"At least it's not both?" she quipped, making him blanch and her mother snort.
"Now that would be a story." Helen mused, "I've always wanted to properly scandalise Mrs Johnston. She's utterly unflappable but a triad…now…that might just shock her. You don't fancy it dear?"
Three sets of horrified eyes stared back at her. "Mum, what the hell is in that wine?" Hermione spluttered at the same time Severus stole her glass.
"No more of that for you."
Helen pouted, "How am I meant to question my life choices without wine?" she demanded.
"I am so sorry," Hermione groaned quietly not daring to look at Fred. Fred who was rapidly losing his terror and having to fight to keep the amusement from his face. He didn't think Professor Snape would appreciate it.
"What life choices?" Said professor demanded.
"Well." Helen began stridently, her hands coming down forcefully onto her knees, sending both Severus and Hermione's eyebrows skyrocketing upwards. "You're rather stubborn you know." he nodded warily. "And Hermione's stubborn and it got me to thinking that if I'd chosen a more mild-mannered man then maybe it would have tempered Hermione and then I realised that Remus is possibly the only mild-mannered man I know and she'd have walked all over him and so I was doomed from the start and here we are and you've stolen my wine."
"And I thought my family was mental." Fred breathed sounding awestruck.
"Your family is mental," Hermione countered, "It just appears that so is mine."
He shrugged, "Bodes well for them getting on?" he offered with a slight smirk as Severus gaped at his wife.
"Your mum and my dad together and getting on is a terrifying thought," she muttered, smirking when he paled. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Severus smirking.
"I always admired the way Madam Weasely managed to know exactly what all her children are up to." he mused, sending a shiver of fear down both teenager's spine.
With an amused smirk, Helen tugged him down beside her, "Maybe I shouldn't be questioning all my choices." she mused. "We can invite Mrs Weasely next time can we?"
"I think I might be questioning mine," Fred shivered, reaching for Hermione with a smirk, "It's a good job you're pretty."
He jumped when an innocent looking Severus sent a stinging hex at his leg. "Do you think she'll teach me her tricks?" he mused idly.
Fred turned to look at his girlfriend seriously, her face mirroring his horror, "We're never ever allowing them in the same room, right?"
Her frantic nod made her mother cackle as she reached over and stole her wine glass back.