The Straw Hats React to Kung Fu Panda 3
I do not own any of the properties discussed in this piece of non-profit fan-based material. Any trademarked materials are strictly the sole property of their respective owners. With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy this reaction.
Act Two: Seeing Green
One foot in front of the other. Those were the words that echoed through Po's head in an almost mantra-like fashion as he continued his journey, over bridge and mountain. Through frost and fog. Past every cramp and agonizing stitch. He looked over to his father and knew immediately that he was being hit just as hard by all exertion.
One foot in front of the other.
Eventually, the thunderous rumbling of Po's stomach resounded throughout the open plains. Li swivelled around, a lot of almost relief plastered across his face.
"Oh, lunch break?" He asked.
"You don't need to tell me twice." Po panted, nearly tearing his travelling pack from his shoulders, and slamming it on the ground to access the tasty treats within.
"Don't even need to tell me once!" Luffy grinned, before he began to salivate desperately.
"Yeah, but we do need to tell you more than once to cut it out!" Nami snarled.
"How are you still hungry?" Sanji guffawed. "You've been eating nonstop ever since we arrived here!"
"Ow…" a muffled voice sounded inside the bag.
Po retracted from the bag, before huffing. "Dad?"
"Yes?" Li answered.
"Dad…" The younger panda grumbled, before opening the bag and being greeted by a familiar beaked face.
"Yes?..." Ping responded awkwardly; half buried in Po's belongings.
"You seriously mean to tell me you've walked all this way and didn't notice that your sack had gained an entire goose's worth of weight?" Franky scratched his head.
"How would someone calculate something that ridiculously precise?" Tashigi squinted in confusion.
"That's not the important thing." Luffy interjected.
"It's not?"
"If he's been in there all that time, does that mean he did his business in there too?" The rubber boy theorised.
"THAT'S SO GROSS!" Usopp retched.
"NOW I'M NEVER GONNA GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD!" Chopper complained.
"What are you doing here?"
"What am I doing?" The goose flapped out of the bag and cracked his back. "Getting a backache. Did you have to step on every rock?"
"No, I mean why are you here?"
Ping furrowed his brow. "What was I supposed to do, huh? What if the pandas don't have any food you like? You're never gonna be able to save the world on an empty stomach." He turned to face Li. "I consider my presence mission critical."
"Finally, someone who understands the finer points of proper nutrition." Sanji grinned.
"He's a noodle chef. Not the healthiest meal in the world." Zoro grunted.
"What would you know about 'healthy', Mr 'Liquid Lunch'?"
"You're asking for it, Cook."
"I'm begging for it. Are you gonna give it to me?"
"FINE THEN!" With that, the two threw themselves at each other before, yet again, being stopped by Nami's crushing fist.
Li cringed. "Oh yes, about that. We can't share the location of the village with others, so…"
"You think I can't keep a secret, huh? I raised Po for twenty years before I told him he was adopted."
"Seriously?" Li guffawed.
"Yeah…" Po smiled, sheepishly.
"It is a bit ridiculous, no matter which way you tell it." Smoker rolled his eyes.
"Okaaay, I guess it would be cruel to make you fly back." The elder panda conceded.
Meanwhile, Po gasped. "You can fly?!"
"I'm a bird, Po."
"Although that is decidedly more ridiculous." He groaned.
"I could make that the name of my autobiography." Robin playfully mused.
…..
Much later, the most uncomfortable extended family in China finally managed to scale the rocky outcrops that seemed to lead ever upwards, only being stopped by a sheer wall of ice.
"We're here." Li said.
Ping stared upwards towards a summit lost in the clouds. "Sure looks like a long way up there. And my son hates stairs, so let's go home." He spun around on his flipper, before…
"What that's nothing! I've scaled bigger mountains asleep!" Luffy grumbled.
"The scary thing is that I know he's not exaggerating." Usopp whispered under his breath.
"Yeah, that was real fun." Nami shivered.
"We're pandas. We don't do stairs." The elder panda chuckled.
"I've waited my whole life to hear those words." Po nearly shed a tear.
Li moved to a hidden rope and yanked sharply. A pulley system soon cranked to life, revealing a raft hidden by a layer of powder. Stepping onto it, the platform pulled them upwards.
"Rats" Ping moaned.
"Wait… is he afraid of getting out-fathered?" Chopper asked.
"I guess? In this case, I'd say he's worried about becoming a last-gen model."
"Who care about that?" The reindeer pouted. "Blood shouldn't matter when you truly care about someone."
"Yohohoho! I couldn't have put it better myself, Chopper!" Brook giggled. "I mean look at me. Not a drop of blood anywhere, and I'm just fine!"
"I don't think you should be used as a case study for healthcare!" The doctor refuted.
Finally reaching the top, the trio were greeted by a layer of snowy fog. Seeing no further options, Po followed his birth father forward.
"This is the secret panda village?" Ping asked, unable to see more than a few feet in front of his face. "No wonder you keep it secret. If I lived here, I wouldn't tell anyone either."
Li stopped and chuckled. "Now you can whoa…"
"There is absolutely not need for any of this hostility, Ping." Jimbei huffed.
"No, no. Wait. I want to see this." Nami stopped him. "Do you think if he gets angry enough he'll start quacking?"
"Or lay an egg?" Usopp giggled in conjunction with his crewmate, leading to a parade of harsh stares.
"You two are awful." Law said.
Po frowned, before refocusing. The snowy fog had dissipated, revealing a sunlit village, abundant in both crops and foliage. Elaborate houses decorated both the fields and the sides of the mountains. Above all that, they were shapes that started to move in the final traces of the fog. Pandas. More than he could ever begin to count. They all simultaneously turned to the new arrivals.
"Li? Li's back! Everyone come look! He found his son!"
The encroaching tidal wave of black and white made its way down the hill, clearly delighted at the prospect of new arrivals.
"Whoa." Po gasped.
The crowd hurried forwards… before suddenly keeling over to catch their breath. Po was taken aback, before being scooped up into a series of hugs once the crowd finally reached him.
"Something tells me they're not too big on cardio." Usopp joked.
"Who cares about that?" Robin snapped softly. "They're all here! They're all safe!" A small smile graced her face.
"Everyone, everyone! Gather around! This is my son!" Li beamed with pride.
Po turned as he felt something crawl up his back. "Triplets!" He exclaimed upon seeing three identical toddlers.
"Hi, I'm Ku Ku." The first beamed.
"I'm Meng Meng."
"I'm Shuai Shuai."
"Who Who?" Luffy scrunched his face in confusion.
"It's better not to worry about it." Zoro said.
"They're so cute and fluffy!" Nami squealed.
"Your fur is soft." Ku Ku commented whilst stroking Po's fur.
"He smells like cookies." His brother added.
"He's so handsome. Just like his father." An elderly female panda cooed, as she gently pinched Po's cheek.
"Thank you." Ping smirked, completely oblivious to the true direction of the compliment.
"Ouch." Franky winced.
"I'm sure you have a very respectable plumage for a goose of your age." Brook attempted to find some kind of compliment to give to the noodle maker.
Li directed Po towards a new pair of pandas. "Son, these are your cousins: Dim and Sum."
"Welcome!" The aforementioned duo greeted warmly.
"I have cousins?!" Po cheered in delight.
The two deposited a necklace of dumplings onto Po's neck, which he appraised with great interest. "Whoa, buns on a string."
"We call it a snacklace!" Dim grinned.
"That's… genius!" Luffy screamed with sparks in his eyes.
"We are really setting the bar low for genius here, aren't we?" Usopp deadfaulted.
"I know right?" Franky agreed. "Now a colalace. That's smart."
"I can't even." The sniper groaned.
"That's right!" Sum agreed.
The two pandas then descended on the arrangement of buns like a swarm of piranha, leaving little else than a partially chewed piece of string.
"Eh… we'll make you a new one."
Before Po could respond, he found himself accosted by a larger than usual panda a wide-brimmed hat.
"It's you." He half-mumbled, before swallowing Po into a lethal bearhug.
"Oh, that's nice. Hi." The Dragon Warrior squeaked out, having no idea who he was talking to and wanting to save as much face as he could.
"I don't know who you are." Thankfully, it seemed as though the confusion was mutual.
"Wow! The locals sure are friendly." Bepo grinned.
"Far too friendly for my liking." Law rubbed his eyes. "We don't even know where he's been."
"His paw are the perfect size for strangling unsuspecting victims." Robin commented, eliciting many a very concerned stare. "I'm only saying what we're all thinking."
"No one else was thinking that or ever will!" The weakling trio hollered as one.
Po flopped to the he feet after being released and caught his breath. Whilst he was distracted, the smallest panda he had ever seen started to rummage through his travel bag, producing his beloved Tigress figure.
"Oh, stripey baby. So beautiful." She mewled, before she started to pick at splinters that had grown from the figure's years of play.
Po hissed in fear. "Ok, careful with that."
"Awww!" Nami cooed "I've never seen a baby panda before!"
"I can definitely see the appeal!" Brook agreed. "Except I don't have anything to see with! Yohohoho!"
Sanji scowled at the screen. "Don't even think about trying to take my spot, you barely-there-bear! Everyone knows that I'm Nami's favourite!"
"Yeah… her favourite whipping boy" Zoro stifled a laugh.
"Exactly. No one can take my place by her side!"
"Can I keep her?"
"No…" The toddlers eyes started to well up. "… Problem. Of course, that's why I brought her. Take good care of her."
The toddler giggled and hugged the toy. "Yes, stripey baby."
One Po's momentary scare had worn off, he took a moment to take in what he was experiencing, inspecting each of villagers in turn. "You look just like me, but a baby. You look just like me, but old. You're like me, but fatter. You're like me but… with a hat." He caught himself, before he could mention the incredibly apparent misshapen teeth.
"He does wear a hat!" One villager agreed.
"He… does indeed." Jimbei struggled for a comment.
"He should definitely see an orthodontist about those." Chopper gulped.
"You all look like me." Po smiled.
"Let's feast in my son's honour!" Li proclaimed to the cheer of the villagers, who all immediately tucked in themselves and began to roll down the hill towards the square.
"What the…?" Po cringed.
"Pandas don't walk. We roll!" Li chuckled, before starting to roll down himself.
"Have you ever seen anyone look so ridiculous?" Ping rolled his eyes at the display. He turned to see Po awkwardly sliding on his belly. "Po, what are doing?"
"Well, this can only end terribly." Franky sighed.
"We passed 'terribly' a while ago." Nami grumbled. "Knowing Po this'll end with something being on fire."
The Dragon Warrior started to flop downwards, half rolling and half tumbling down the hill, until he finally came to a painful stop near the square's shared dining table. Po scrambled up, bumping his head on the table as he did.
"You're right. That is better than walking." He conceded.
"Consider me surprised." Nami relented.
"Ugh! I should've bet on it!" Usopp groaned.
"It's for the best, she would've cheated you out of house and home." Zoro snickered, earning him a swelling lump on his head.
"What kind of panda doesn't know how to roll?" The panda child, Bao, asked with a tilt of his head.
"Well I'm kinda new to this whole 'being a panda' thing."
The young boy then shifted his attention towards Ping. "What kind of panda are you? You have a funny neck."
"I'm not a panda at all!" Ping said tiredly.
"What's that?" Bao pointed at the goose's hat.
"My hat."
He pointed lower. "What's that?"
"My beak."
Lower still. "What's that?"
"My wing."
"What's that?"
"My dumplings." The noodle maker held up his bowl of baked goods.
"Oh, thank God!" Chopper clutched his hoof over his heart. "I was really scared for a second."
Luffy scowled. "Why are you scared of some dumplings? Quit being a baby."
"THAT'S NOT WHY HE WAS SCARED!" Sanji yelled, sweat pouring down his swirled brow.
"No more questions. Go away kid. Here, son, I packed your chopsticks."
"Thanks dad." Po took the pieces of cutlery from the goose, momentarily unaware of the villagers collective gasps of surprise. "What?"
"What are those for?" Bao asked again.
"These? These are chopsticks. They're for picking up dumplings."
"You mean you only eat them one at a time?"
As soon as those words pierced through the air, Po's eyes shot open with sudden realisation, as if he had just uncovered a forbidden truth.
"I knew I wasn't eating up to my potential!" He half-screamed.
"That's disgusting! You're following the wrong example all together!" Brook complained as he grotesquely shovelled handfuls of snacks into his not existent gullet.
"Yeah. He's disgusting." Law rolled his eyes.
A quick chorus of cheers interrupted Po from his train of thought, though not enough to prevent him from stuffing his face. When he turned, he saw a pair of dance actresses holding a pair of parasols in overlap with each other. When they moved them out of the way, they revealed a third actress adorned in a pink kimono, batting her eyelashes whilst guarding her mouth with a fan.
The dancer fixed her gaze squarely on Po and his partially stuffed mouth.
"I… am Mei Mei." She breathed, before whispering into her fan. "Wow, she's amazing! She's so beautiful!" She smirked with a confidence reserved for royalty, before putting down her fan. "That's sweet, Po, but please try to save all compliments until after the performance."
"She certainly seems like a character and a half." Tashigi muttered.
"Really? I though she was a panda?" Luffy tilted his head.
"How?!" Law broke his collected façade. "How are you not dead already?"
"Trust me, we've been thinking the same thing for a while." The entirety of the rubber boy's crew responded in unison.
Po was taken aback and looked behind him, trying to see if there was another panda who happened to share his name. What a crazy coincidence…
Oh….
"Me? No, I didn't say…"
"Shut it." She hushed him, before whipping a ribbon around like a lengthened petal from a peach blossom. "After the performance."
"I can't believe it!" Usopp erupted in a fit of giggles. "Po actually got a girl interested in him before Mr. Playboy here!"
"Usopp! I'm to make you eat that nose if you don't quit it!" The chef burst out, angrily.
"It okay buddy let out all your frustrations at your romantic incompetence. I'm here for you." The sniper continued.
"USOPP!"
"Has it started yet?" Ping grumbled.
Mei Mei slapped two musicians into action with her ribbon, who immediately belted out a steady tune.
"Best ribbon dancer in the world. At least that's what she says." Li whispered to his son.
Mei Mei continued to twirl until the very wind around her began to pick up from her mad spin.
"Look away, look away. No, you can't. Can you?"
Po was starting to feel a little hot under his non-existent collar. He leaned towards Li. "Dad, why does she keep looking at me like…" The dancer suddenly popped into his field of view. "That."
"Oh no. I think she's feral…" Jimbei swallowed.
"You needn't worry. Apparently pandas have considerable trouble mating." Robin reassured.
"Somehow, that's not giving me any reassurance." Law groaned, whilst Bepo pulled at the collar of his jumpsuit and began to fan his neck.
"Try to keep up." Po looked downwards to see that, somehow, his body was ensnared within the coils of her ribbon. With a swift yank, he was catapulted off his feet into the centre of the stage.
"I really don't know how to dance." Po squealed.
"Of course you do. All pandas dance." A small yank later and their eyes were a breath away. "I know what you're thinking."
"You do?" Po nearly squeaked.
"How can one panda be so beautiful?" The dancer whipped the ribbon again, forcing Po to grab some flowers standing on a nearby table, before pulling him back. "For me?"
"Well, she's certainly modest at least." Franky giggled.
"She's like a goddess, that's what she is!" Bepo declared, hearts in his eyes.
"Bepo, no drooling near my popcorn." Law huffed.
"I'm sorry, captain."
With series of wrist flicks, the dancer forced Po to kiss the top of her paw, before whipping him away to the tables.
"Help me, Dads." Po near whimpered.
"Yeah, no. You're on your own." Li chuckled.
"You're doing great, son." Ping cheered, without an inch of committal behind his words.
"Traitors!" Brook yelled. "Throwing him to the dogs as if he were a bone!"
"Could you even throw bones to dogs in this world? I get the feeling like you'd just be insulting their intelligence." Nami caressed her chin in thought.
"You are digging far too deep into this." Smoker groaned.
Before Po could plead again, another tug whipped him back to the stage, spinning him around like a bottle top and undoing his restraints.
"Your turn." Mei Mei giggled, before throwing the ribbon handle into Po's hand. He gave it an experimental yank, accidentally causing a nearby cymbal to shoot into his face and entangling his legs. A swift tug carried him off his feet and onto his face.
"Yeouch! He said he wasn't ready, lady!" Usopp said.
"I wonder if it's possible for someone to have three left feet?" Sanji snorted.
"Probably. You'd just need to borrow one from someone else." Robin noted.
"Ah, Robin! Your terrifying anecdotes never fail to brighten my day!" The cook swooned.
Mei Mei's eyes widened in realisation of her partners lack of grace, before taking the ribbon and, with a final sharp pull, hoisted Po above her head in a triumphant display. The panda finished off with a flourish, to the applause of the audience.
"Yay, Po!" Ping cheered.
The dancer tossed Po to the top of the table, leaving him dazed, yet exhilarated.
"Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it." Li joked, slapping his son on the shoulder.
"I have so much to learn." He grinned.
Despite himself and his usual emotionally stagnant behaviour, Luffy couldn't help but afford himself a smile. "Ah, this is nice. He finally found his people."
"Indeed. Not many people can say they have that anymore. I'm glad he can at the very least." Robin chuckled.
…
Elsewhere, the search for Kai was going considerably less smoothly than Crane would have liked. He had been flying for hours and his wings were beginning to ache. Combined with the harsh, desert sun beating down on him, and Mantis' nigh-constant commentary, any other animal would have been tempted to give in long ago.
However, Crane wasn't any normal animal, but a Kung Fu Master at the top of his craft. His body would hold. Mantis on the other hand? Well, he had a far different method of countering that particular annoyance.
"Wing of Surveillance!" The bird Master boomed to the sands below.
"Fantastic. Back to this comedy duo." Law could barely restrain a groan.
That's right, fight fire with fire.
"Why do you do that?" Mantis groaned.
"Do what?"
"Just because you say Wings of – before something, it doesn't mean you're doing a special move." The insect groaned. "It's like me saying: 'Antenna of Power' or… Thorax of Making Sandwiches."
The entire screening sat silent for a few long moments, many looking ashamed, others feeling mildly insulted by that particular statement. Luffy on the other hand…
"He has a move that lets him make sandwiches whenever he wants?!" The young captain beamed. "I'm so jealous!"
"I-I can't anymore." Usopp threw his hands in the air. "I feel like I'm getting attacked from all angles."
"Yeah. I know the feeling." Tashigi groaned, a dark cloud seemingly forming over her head.
"Wings of Disagreement." Crane smirked.
Before Mantis count respond, he noticed a cloud of sand being kicked up by three separate sources, all converging towards the same target: the wreckage of a ship, half buried in sand with its hull broken outwards. "Whoa, there!"
Crane soared downwards to meet three familiar faces: Masters Bear, Croc and Chicken. All three were renowned for their Kung Fu skills all across China, and Crane wouldn't hesitate to put his life on the line for any one of them.
"Master Bear, Master Chicken, Master Croc! What are you doing out here?"
"Wait… hold on just a second!" Jimbei frowned.
"What?" Zoro asked.
"How many Master Crocs are there?"
"Well there's… wait a sec, you're right!" Sanji realised.
"That's stupid. So every Crocodile in this world is named Croc? That's… kinda racist." Nami admitted.
"I'm not wasting time thinking about this." Law rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Jade creatures attacked our villages." Chicken garbled. "We've tracked them here."
"Stop!" Bear slid to a stop in front of the wreckage, the others following suit. "They must be in there."
"Master Shifu strongly advised us…" Crane was interrupted by Dear and Croc suddenly charging into the wreckage. "…Not to engage." Crane may not have hesitated to put his life on the line for these Masters, yet, clearly, they did not seem to share the same sentiment.
"I thought 'discipline' and 'patience' were supposed to be core tenets of Kung Fu?" Smoker cringed.
"I guess this is one of those 'Do as I say, not as I do' moments." Robin rationalised.
"Even Luffy would at least pretend to listen to the plan before running off recklessly." Chopper said.
"Yeah, I'd… HEY!"
"We gotta get in there." Mantis voiced.
"But Master Shifu said…"
"You're seriously afraid? Even Master Chicken is going in there, and he's a chicken!"
As if to illustrate his point, Chicken buckawed and charged onwards into the wreckage. Seconds later, three bursts of green light erupted from the darkness of the ship before swiftly vanishing. Chicken's battle cry similarly echoing out before diminishing into a hollow whimper.
"Alas, rest poor Master Chicken, a coward in name only." Brook saluted with a flourish of his top hat.
"Unlike someone else we may know." Sanji smirked.
"I JUST KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT REFERRING TO ME!" The long-nosed liar of the crew foamed at the mouth with rage.
"That's it. I'm going in." Mantis zipped from his perch on Crane's hat before moving to the ship's opened keel.
"Mantis, we have orders not to-"
"They need our help. Come on! I'll go high, you go low." The insect ordered, before darting up the frame of the wreckage and diving in.
"Why would you go high?" Franky guffawed. "He's the one with the wings?"
"No wait!" Crane whispered.
"Fear the bug! Alright you little… uh oh."
Mantis gloat was cut off by yet another burst of emerald light.
"Hold on, buddy, I'm coming!" Crane yelled as awkwardly hopped into the air after his fellow Master.
"Antenna of Power! Ah, it didn't work!"
"Oh no! What a totally unforeseen outcome this was." Law rolled his eyes.
"Not even his fearsome hidden power could save him this time." Luffy shed a tear in complete sincerity, much to the bemusement/ire of his contemporaries.
The glow ballooned and contracted as soon Crane breached the wreckage. He assumed a fighting stance and prepared for the worst. When nothing came, he started to tiptoe the ship's length searching for any indication of where the attacker was.
"Mantis! Mantis?" He quietly screamed into the darkness. Before he could call out again, Crane felt breath grace the feathers across his neck. He turned around and locked eyes with the largest bull her had ever seen. His gigantic frame never seeming to end and his eyes glowing with verdant fury. In an effort to seem less conspicuous, Crane pulling his brimmed hand downwards and started to whistle, before slowly turning away.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Nami raged.
"Yeah, I don't think that's going to work, Broski." Franky chuckled. "You ain't getting out of this one."
The bull didn't give and a chance and pinned him to the ground. Crane retaliated with a sharp twist that sent his assailant flying backwards. With a flap of his wings, he was on his feet and ready for anything.
"Your chi is strong. Just like your friend." Kai gestured to a Mantis-shaped jade pendant hanging from his belt. "The bug."
"Mantis!" Crane gasped. Before he could even react, Kai was upon him, curling one of his trotters and sending the bird flying back with a single flick.
Crane gasped, feeling the air knocked out of his lungs. His eyes widened that was Mantis' technique. The One Inch Forcep. Somehow, the bull had added his friend's strength to his own! There was no way he could win. He needed to warn the others.
"This just went from bad to catastrophic!" Chopper tugged at his antlers.
"He has his own strength, in addition to those of the stolen Masters. He's a completely different animal from Tai Lung or Shen!" Jimbei analysed.
"Duh, he's a bull." Luffy stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Give me a break!" Smoker huffed.
"Don't worry little birdie. I'll put your chi to good use. Destroying the Jade Palace and everyone in it."
"No!" Crane yelled, kicking a stray barrel into the bull's head. He took off into the air, soaring through an opening in the ship's hull.
"Wings of…" Crane choked as a pair of chains snaked around his body "…Regret!" His last cry reverberated as he was pulled back into the green glow of the ship.
"And another bites the dust." Zoro near growled.
"I hope Po's taking his training at the village seriously. Lord knows he's going to need it." Usopp shivered in fright.
…
The dawn didn't even need to fully break to wake Po from his slumber. With the speed and dedication of a trained Master, he jumped from his bed and began to psych himself up for whatever came next.
"Aw, yeah! First day of panda training!" He stared at a drooping flower on the windowsill of his temporary room. "Alright, flower, I'm gonna make you bloom!" The plus-sized warrior sprang from his room and dashed across the rope bridge connecting his adjacent room to his father's.
"Aaaand he hasn't even started yet." Usopp's eyes rolled into his skull.
"Give him some credit. A student is only as good as their teacher." Jimbei addressed him sagely.
"Dad, dad!" He poked the still sleeping Li, who turned to him sluggishly.
"What? What? What is it?" The elder panda groaned.
"I'm ready for my first day of panda training!" Po saluted.
"What?"
"You know. Learn to be a panda, master chi, save the world."
"Pandas sleep until noon. So lesson one is to go back to bed." Li finished, before falling back into the throes of unconsciousness.
"Oh, never mind, they're all doomed." Jimbei sighed.
"Like father, like son." Nami grumbled.
"Of course!" Po slapped himself over the head, before running back over the bridge, fluffing his pillow, and getting back into bed. "Nobody said this would be easy." A second later he was out like a light.
Hours later, Li opened the door to the room, rustling Po from his nap. "Did I oversleep?"
"You sure did!" Li beamed with pride.
"Yes!" The Dragon Warrior pumped his fist.
"In all seriousness, this is training I can actually get behind." Zoro smirked, referencing his near constant battle with narcolepsy.
"In that case, please, 'train' all you like. I wouldn't have to see your ugly mug nearly as often." Sanji fired back, resulting in a staring contest could've shaken islands.
Later still, Li and Po observed the young triplets playing a game of Hacky Sack, which they managed to perform admirably at despite their short frames.
"Yeah, show him kids." Li spurred on.
"Can you do this? How about this? Can you do that?" Bao questioned as he repeatedly kicked the sack against Po's frame.
Po caught the bag with his foot and began a series of kick-ups "How's this? How about that? Am I doing it right?" With a little too much enthusiasm Po gave the sack an upwards spin kick that rocketed it right into the skull of an unfortunate elderly panda woman.
"Yeah, buddy. I think you're doing it too well." Usopp winced at the elderly panda's condition.
"That was sweet!" Luffy cheered. "Sanji, you gotta teach me to do that sometime."
"Fine, but never in front of Nami or Robin. I don't want them to think I enjoy these kid games."
"Too late." The navigator and archaeologist responded, causing the chef to cringe in embarrassment.
"Uh, grandma panda. Heads up!" Po blurted out a split second before the sack knocked her on her back.
"Yikes. We better roll." Li shepherded the youngers pandas away from the scene of the crime.
"Po! Lunchtime!" Ping called out at the base of village's lowest hill, a plate of steaming dumplings in hand. Without warning, the ground beneath his feet began to vibrate. He looked upwards to see boulders of pure black and white cascading down straight towards him.
Yelling and running in equal measure, Ping weaved his way around the accidental assault. Meanwhile, Po's attempts at 'loose rolling' proved just as fruitless as his prior endeavours, as he somehow managed to collided with everything that could possibly be considered an obstacle on the way down, eventually colliding with Li, and leaving them both in a heap on the ground.
"Are they seriously still on this? Rolling can't be that important to fulfilling your panda quotient." Franky groaned.
"Anything that helps him to feel at one with his bear roots." Bepo chuckled.
"At this point, the only place he's going to feel at home in is a hospital." Chopper said.
"You gotta let the hill tell you where to roll." Li chuckled.
"Ugh, rookie mistake." Po grumbled.
"Dim, Sum. Let's show him how we go uphill." Li picked himself up and moved to the two cousins sitting on bamboo hammocks. Stretching the stalk of one of the trees, Li catapulted the two bears high into the sky and far, far past the hill.
"It's beautiful." Po nearly shed a tear at the prospect of never having to climb a set of stairs again.
"That's… certainly a way to describe it." Brook relented.
"These panda's need to stop stealing my moves! Rocket is my thing!" Luffy yelled.
Elsewhere, Ping was still desperately attempting to find anyone who would take his baked goods. "Snack time!" He turned to see Po flying through the air, all the jubilance of a 12 year old plastered across his face. "Po! You can fly?!"
"I'm coming in hot!" Po screamed as he crashed, yet again, into a set of pandas lying on some deck chairs.
"Get them while they're cold." Ping groaned, making his way back to his temporary lodgings. Opening the door to the kitchen, he was met by dozens of pint-sized pandas, climbing, and eating virtually anything they could get their paws on. "What are you doing there? That food is for Po!"
Ping's anxieties were only raised as the cubs began to climb higher and even managed to light the oven with a stray piece of flint.
"This is exactly why I keep you children out of the kitchen!" Sanji directed a barba the youngest members of the crew!
"Hey, we are all kinds of responsible!" Chopper and Usopp rebutted. "HE'S the rogue element!" They both pointed at Luffy who immediately scowled in annoyance.
"TRAITORS!"
At the top of the hill again, Po found himself at the mercy of a literal bearhug. A quick squeeze and a few pops later, Po found himself experiencing a form of chiropractic bliss that he had never experienced before.
"Feeling relaxed?" Li asked.
"Totally." Po grinned.
"Just let yourself fall into it." Li gestured down the hill.
"Got it." Po relaxed himself… only to fall backwards down a rocky outcrop, sending him into an uncontrollable roll, eventually causing…
"BLEUGH!" Minutes later, Po was crouched over, letting the contents of his stomach fall onto the ground. "I'm fine. I just… BLEUGH!"
"OH COME ON!" Nami screeched in disgust.
"I would've thought all that practice would give him a stronger constitution by now." Brook mused. "Though I suppose I can't really speak on the matter given my current bodily circumstances, can I?"
"YOU ARE NOT HELPING!"
"There we go. Just let it all out. That's my boy." Li gave his son an awkward pat on the back.
Back with Ping, the goose was trying his best to not let any of the cubs fall prey to a stray falling knife, before getting snared in a strand of noodle stand being tugged away by another baby. "My noodles! Leave my noodles alone!" He yelped fruitlessly.
Po training seemed to be proving fruitless, as another failed roll led him being ensnared in Mei Mei's ribbon, alongside the crazed dancer.
"Subtle, Po. Very subtle."
"No!" Bepo buried his face in his paws. "It should have been me! It should have been me!"
"Bepo, please calm down." Law pulled the brim of his hat over his eyes in slight embarrassment.
"I'm not sorry, captain! My heart cannot take this much abuse!"
"Oh great, now there are two of them." Zoro complained.
"Let me get in on some of that!" Before Po could protest, the extra-large villager from before scooped the two pandas into a bone crushing hug, that caused his eyes to bulge from his skull.
Ping, meanwhile, wasn't faring much better, having unintentionally corralled himself into a headlock thanks to the young cubs. "Leave my hat alone!" He found himself thrown, beak first, into a hanging basket of vegetables, which collapsed one by one onto his head.
Dazed, Ping shrugged to pick himself up, worried that the black and white monstrosities would find a way to hurt themselves. When he looked up, he found himself greeted by the sight of the cubs enjoying a bowl of noodles to themselves.
"We love noodles!" they collectively cooed.
Ping frustrations instantly melted. "Oh, just like my Po." He took a second to take in the heartwarming sight before he began to prepare a fresh batch.
"Aww, that's sweet at the very least." Tashigi cooed at the absurdly adorable display.
"Wook at their widdle paws and dwouble chins!" Usopp joined.
"Yeah, it's all fun and games now, but wait until they literally eat you out of house and home. Wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy… except maybe you, Mosshead." Sanji finished with a snide barb that earned him a flip of the bird.
Speaking of 'fresh', Po catapulted himself down a hill caked with fresh, white powder. He harshly transitioned into a roll, coating him from head-to-toe in a giant snowball, which grew in volume as it rolled.
Li and the other pandas stared onwards in befuddlement. As they did, one villager stopped right in front of Po's path, looking confused.
"What are you guys looking at?" As soon as the words left her mouth, the snowball collided directly into her, breaking it apart and sending Po skywards. The panda crashed into the lake below, resurfacing a moment later on a deck chair with a drink in hand.
"That's how we roll! Cannonball!" Li roared joyously as he bombed into the water alongside his peers.
"Woohoo! Yeah!" Po hollered before jumping in to join the fun. If this was how pandas lived, he had to admit, it was an intoxicating lifestyle.
"I thought this was supposed to be training?" Luffy tilted his head. "He's just doing nothing and getting even bigger.
"Indeed. Something isn't adding up just right." Smoker scowled.
…..
Later on, when the final traces of the sun were gracing the village, Po and Li perched on the railing of the latter's house, overlooking a mother and son playing with a kite. Feeling truly content for the first time in a long while, Po gave a deep exhale before looking towards his father for approval.
"How was that?" Li held up his finger, before delivering an even more relaxed sigh, almost melting into the handrail as he did so. "Woah…"
"Now you try again, but don't try so hard." Li gently suggested.
"Ok, ok." Po tensed himself, before giving an even deeper exhale, his bones almost turning to jelly.
"Much better." Li giggled, as Po began to fist-bump in triumph.
"Look, he's managed to get Zoro's lazing technique down to a fine science." Usopp barely restrained a giggle.
"Soon the student may even surpass the teacher." Sanji laughed in agreement, only to tense up when he found his cigarette sliced in two by an unseen blade.
"Thanks dad."
"For what?"
"You know. Just for… you know. Showing me what it feels like… to be a panda." Po grinned. "So when do you think I'll be ready?"
"Ready?" Li cringed.
"You know. Learn how to master chi?"
"Oh right, we were supposed to be doing that." Brook commented.
"You seriously forgot?!" Tashigi had to stop herself from spit taking/
"I mean, they clearly did."
"…Fair point."
"Soon, real soon." Li pulled away before tapping Po on the shoulder. "Come on. I wanna show you something else. Come on in." He lead his son inside his small apartment room. "I'm sorry for the mess. I don't get many visitors." Li began to straighten and pick up stray items as he moved along, until he finally reached a small shrine in the corner. He quickly lit a couple of candles, illuminating a picture of a middle aged panda and a small cub in her arms.
Po stiffened, before reaching for the picture. "Is this… my mom?" Li nodded gently.
"Hm, before he came." Robin's eyes went glacier cold.
"I'm glad that piece of scum is gone." Smoker. "His ilk shouldn't sully the dirt he walks upon."
"Hollow words coming from a Government lapdog." Robin bit back.
"I had this done on your one hundredth day. Your mama couldn't hold you still. You nearly ate the paper. It's true." He laughed softly.
Po checked the paper and found a small bite in the corner, causing him to giggle. He then straightened himself. "What was she like?"
Li sighed sentimentally, as he examined the picture. "She was the total package. Smart. Beautiful. Tremendous appetite." Po laughed and so did he. "She was the love of my life. And, just when I thought I couldn't get any luckier… along you came, my little Lotus. I really had it all." Within seconds, Li's face darkened with an unbearable sadness. "Until… that one moment… when I… lost everything."
Po watched his father place the picture back on the shrine. He saw a single tear roll down his cheer and for a moment, he could've sworn he heard the shrill cries of a peacock echo through his skull.
"Shen." Luffy growled.
"Even in death, his shadow looms large." Jimbei grumbled.
"Scars don't heal, but they do fade." Law mused.
"Dad." Po clutched Li's arm. "You don't have to worry about losing me ever again, okay?" Without even waiting for an answer, he pulled him into a fierce hug, which Li gladly returned.
The two of them sat there, in the others embrace, knowing nothing would ever pull them apart again.
Usopp smiled at the display, a churning sensation of contentment and a tinge of jealousy moving through his stomach. "Good for them. They managed to find each other, even after all this.
"Let me get some of the that!" The panda villager rushed into the room and enveloped them in another bone crushing hug. Suddenly Po wished something would pull them apart, right now.
…
Monkey waited. He had been sitting on the roof meditating for only five minutes, mainly because it had only been five minutes since the last…
There it was again! A shrill whistle spat through the air and Monkey jumped to intercept. He plucked the arrow from the air and delivered the message it carried directly to Shifu, who sat at the apex of the Thousand Steps, messenger arrows embedded into the stone around his feet in such a large number, one couldn't even see the ground.
"That's… a lot of distress messages." Nami gulped.
"Are these all from the other provinces?" Law's eyes widened at the sheer volume of arrows.
"It's from the Eastern Province!" He gritted as he handed the arrow to Shifu.
"Master Ox. Master Lizard. Master Eagle. All of them." Shifu's tone grew in frustration as the arrow snapped in his grip. "In every village from the sea to here… every Master in China… has vanished."
"I… have no idea how big that is, but it sounds bad." Chopper whimpered.
"That's thousands of squared miles judging from the maps we saw earlier." Nami said.
"And he has the strength of even single Master he's defeated.
"Maybe they've all been invited to a party?" Monkey suggested.
"Monkey…" Viper warned.
"I didn't get invited either."
"Aww, there was a party. Maybe if someone invited this Kai guy then he's chill out?" Luffy wondered, his mouth filled with snacks.
"Somehow I doubt it." Smoker groaned, knowing attempting to correct the boy would be a fruitless endeavour.
"Kai has taken their chi. We are all that stands between him and the knowledge Oogway left in our care." The four Masters moved down the stairs towards the topiary gardens. "The villagers. Evacuated?"
"Done, Master." Tigress curtly responded.
"Crane? Mantis?"
"Still nothing."
"Something gives me the idea they're not having a fun time." Franky mused mirthlessly. "Also, green would definitely not be their colour."
"But one of them is green." Bepo pointed out.
"Point still stands."
"Wait, it's them!" Viper pointed towards the sky to see a familiar avian silhouette. However, it was tainted by a green hue that extended across its body. The Masters gasped as both Crane and Mantis, now completely subsumed by jade, crashed into ground, standing to the side, and allowing a third figure to approach.
"Kai." Shifu snarled, as the Spirit Bull swung his blades in wide arcs, kicking up sparks as they scraped the stone of ground.
"I will say though." Brook began. "He may be a terrifying fellow, but he certainly has good taste in music." As the crew's musician, he could only appreciate the harrowing strings utilised in the bull's theme.
"Yes, he about to destroy the Five and their Master's stronghold of knowledge, but at least his music sounds nice." Law snarked.
"Is he swinging those things in beat with it?" Zoro asked. "What a nerd."
Kai grinned sadistically, as he emerald eyes fixed on the statue of Oogway at the centre of the grotto.
"Nice. Very tacky,"
"How dare you set foot on these grounds!" Shifu near growled.
"Look at your pathetic fools. Grovelling at the feet of 'Oogway the Magnificent'."
"You are not fit to speak his name!" Tigress hissed.
"I am not fit, little kitten?" Kai stopped his swings, allowing the blades to spin into his open hooves. "I fought by his side. I loved him like a brother. And he… betrayed me. Well now… I will destroy everything he has created!"
"Nice motive. You're still preventing further generations from experiencing these artifacts and pieces of knowledge in your disturbed rampage." Robin noted coldly.
"It's been five hundred years man, let it go!" Usopp agreed.
Kai flung his blades forward, the jade edges carving into the stone of the surrounding grotto.
Monkey moved in first, vaulting off one the garden statues to attack from the air, only to be met by another flying blade blocking his path. The others swarmed around the bull to make up for lost ground but, collectively, were astounded by the Spirit Bull's speed. Kai manoeuvred around each of their attacks with a deft precision that only years of combat experience could explain.
Worse still, he seemed to know instinctively how to counter their moves. Tigress' forward charge was intercepted by a sharp, chi-infused kick, that knocked the wind from her lungs. Viper's attempt to coil around the chains led to her being flung off at high speeds. Monkey's acrobatic strikes were cut short by the blades sweeping him off his feet.
Even Shifu seemed to be having difficulty keeping up with such a versatile opponent, as he was barely able to stay out of the range of the snaking chains and their cutting edges.
"This could be going a lot better." Chopper sighed.
"They're getting slaughtered out there." Sanji agreed. "Except Master Tigress, she's in top form, as always."
"They're essentially fighting an army in the form of one bull." Jimbei reminded them. "It doesn't matter if they out-number him, they still need to exercise extreme caution."
Focusing on Shifu as the most present threat, Kai neglected to notice Tigress leaping into the air preparing for a devastating heel kick.
With seconds to respond Kai blocked the attack with his blades but found himself knocked off his feet by a golden explosion of chi that bloomed from the point of contact.
"Woah, was that a chi bloom?" Usopp's eyes sparkled.
"Heck yeah! Keep at that stupid bull!" Luffy cheered.
"MASTER TIGRESS!" Sanji wept, causing the other patrons to recoil in disgust.
"How's that for a little kitten?" Tigress snarked, eliciting a growl from the downed bull. His eyes pulsated with green energy in unison with the Crane Jombie, which speared towards Tigress and knocked her into the air.
Shifu moved to help but was distracted by a crumbling sound coming from one of the statues. Seconds later the statue's axe head was ripped from its home by the Jombie Mantis and flung towards Viper at great speed. Viper raised her coils and snapped them down on the piece of stone and readying herself to fight.
Seeing an opening Shifu rushed towards Kai and let loose a flurry of blows that were countered in near lockstep by the larger bull. Eventually Shifu managed to shift his weight, trapping one of the blades beneath his feet and dragging Kai towards him via the chain.
"I will not let you destroy Oogway's memory!"
"Why not? He destroyed mine!" Kai spat back at him.
The simple sentence caused Robin to slightly recoil. She was no stranger to would-be despots, having spent the majority of her formative years around them; but even if he was truly a monster, did he deserve to be forgotten, instead of learned from?
Meanwhile, Monkey finally managed to grab a hold on Mantis' diminutive frame and trapped him between his fingers.
"Mantis, it is me! Your bestie!" Unfortunately, in his haste, Monkey neglected to remember his comrade's near superhuman strength as the insect kicked him off balanced and threw him like a ragdoll in Tigress and Viper, using the simian as an unwitting puppet in his attack. "Sorry Tigress. Sorry. Sorry! Sorry!"
"Such a strong bond of friendship." Zoro snickered.
Tigress shook her head to relieve the fuzziness before focusing on Shifu, dodged, and clambered around the increasingly vicious swings of Kai's blade. Finally, the red panda found an opening when one blade embedded itself into the staircase, allowing him to run up its length towards his enemy.
Shifu jumped into the air and readied a strike but froze when he noticed another jade pendent hanging from the Spirit Bull's neck, one created in the likeness of his old Master.
"No nonoono. Don't freeze up! He's just toying with you! Smoker spoke up, his investment clearly growing.
"Now that's a cheap move!" Franky huffed.
"That's what it takes to win a fight sometimes." Luffy stated. Unfair fights had become commonplace to him now.
Kai smirked, before finally managing to slap Shifu with the flat of one of his blades, sending him crashing into one of the grotto's walls.
"Shifu!" Tigress yelled, running to check on her Master.
"Bring them to me." Kai growled clenching his fist as it pulsated with green energy.
At his command the Jombies yanked Monkey and Viper towards him, before they too were pulled into the vacuum of his power, shrinking into their pendants as they joined their former comrades on Kai's belt.
"More great news! The unstoppable maniac is now even more unstoppable." Nami threw her hands skywards.
"This is terrible. Surely even the panda won't be enough to stop him." Tashigi said with a frown.
Kai laughed as he felt two new sources of strength flow into him, before moving towards Shifu and Tigress.
The feline Master readied herself to defend before Shifu caught her arm and held her close.
"No! You must warn Po!"
"Master, please!" Tigress pleaded. Before she could protest further, Kai launched another blade between the two sending them flying in separate directions down the hill. Once the distractions had been dealt with, Kai wrapped his blades around the statue of Oogway at the grotto's centre.
"I will show you the true power of chi, brother." Kai whipped his chains, cracking the statues base. He planted himself and swung the chunk of stone in a large circle before using it to gouge a chunk out of the Jade Palace and sent it down the Thousand Steps.
"NO!" Jimbei boomed.
Robin's eyes widened in pure horror as the place crumpled under the boulders. "Ignorant beast!" She seethed.
"Oogway." Brook murmured mournfully.
Shifu gazed in wide eyed horror as chunks of parchment from the Palace's archives flitted downward from the sky. In his command, he and his students had failed in their sacred duty to preserve the teachings of Kung Fu.
"No! Oogway, forgive me." He whispered, choking back his pain.
"Hm. What do you say, Oogway? Do you forgive him?" Kai chuckled, talking to Oogway's pendant.
"You may have destroyed the Jade Palace, but you will never succeed." Shifu panted. "There will always be someone to stop you."
"Who? The panda?" Kai had to stop himself bursting into laughter. "His chi is strong, but… it won't be enough. He will meet the same fate as you.."
"No…" Shifu's eyes widened.
"And so will every panda in that village." Kai performed his arm motions and within seconds Shifu had been reduced to another jade pendant. The Spirit Bull snatched the pendant from its invisible perch and sighed as he felt the newfound chi course through his body. "Yes!"
"Even Shifu?!" Chopper yelped fearfully. "Po is so screwed!"
"I would've put it more eloquently…" Brook admitted. "But yes, he is super screwed."
"I thought you would have put it more eloquently?!"
Tigress watched onwards in horror from behind her rocky perch and narrowed her eyes in fear. She snatched the Jade Scroll from the ground and started to move.
"Po, I hope you're ready."
The patrons shared a hesitant glance.
"Yeah, about that…" Franky rubbed the back of his head.
…
Po hadn't felt this ready for a good time in years. The village had decided to throw a spectacular celebration in honour of his return. He danced with the cubs, greeted the elders, and gave hugs to weirdly over affectionate neighbours.
He waved to both his fathers and did his best to steer clear of Mei Mei as she entertained the children. He wandered aimlessly and took in deep, meditative breaths as he allowed himself to be at one with those around him.
Then he saw a wilting flower on the side of the road and his mind snapped back into reality, reminding him of his task and responsibility.
"Now, let's see if your arduous 'hard work' has actually managed to pay off." Law snickered.
"Come on! Make it bloom!" Luffy cheered.
"Po! Po! He's our man! If he can't do it, literally no one else can!" Chopper raised a makeshift sign that read: 'POwer!"
The Dragon Warrior assumed the stance he remembered Shifu took and cycled through his Tai Chi motions, holding out his palm towards the flower.
Nothing happened. Po opened his eyes to see if his efforts hand any effect. Instead of a flower in bloom he saw Tigress clambering up through the entry gate, covered in dirt and bruises.
"Tigress?!" Po moved to help her, garnering the attention of the rest of the village as they came to observe.
"Oh my God! She's barely made it." Tashigi clasped her hands over her mouth.
"Who's she?" Mei Mei questioned with a hint of irritation.
"No one likes a Jealous Janet. Makes you come across a bit needy." Robin smirked.
"Ugh! I can't watch! A goddess like her is wasted on him!" Bepo cried out.
Lei Lei, the child who had taken Po's Tigress action figure (doll) gasped in surprise. "Big stripey baby!" She cooed before tackling the big cat into a hug, much to her surprise.
"What are you doing here?" Po asked.
"Kai attacked the valley." Tigress hurried through her words urgently. "He's taken every Master in China, including Shifu and the others. It's… it's all gone, Po. Everything, everyone."
"Everyone?"
"Everyone."
"Oh, Hell." Usopp whimpered.
"No one is left?!" Brook gasped. "Why must our panda protagonist be forever cursed to hold the spotlight as a solo act?"
"He's about to have a fight to the death, not an opera recital." Zoro grunted.
"How's my restaurant?!" Ping yelped, before cowering under the multitude of glares concerned about his priorities. "We'll talk later."
"And now he's on his way here. He's after you, Po. He's after all pandas." The villagers gasped in horror.
"How long do we have?" Po gulped.
"Not long. Days at most. Please, tell me you've mastered chi." Tigress pleaded.
"Not… exactly." Chopper rubbed the back of his head.
"Wait a minute, this doesn't make sense…" Luffy cringed.
"What are you talking about?" Smoker said tiredly.
"How did she get here before Big Bull if she left when they were at the same place and time? Shouldn't he be here as well?"
…
"Hold on a minute! That's right!" Nami looked mortified that her captain had managed to figure that out before her.
"Best not the think about it?" Law suggested.
"Yeah." The navigator moaned, whilst rubbing her temples.
The village erupted into an uproar of panda hurrying to secure their homes and loved ones. Po turned to Li, who was helping a lost child find their parents in the commotion.
"Ok, who belongs to this one?" He asked to anyone who'd listen.
"Dad, dad. I need you to tech me the secret chi technique now." Po asked, the anxiety starting to overtake him.
"No, I'm afraid you need more time." Li kept his back to Po, as turned to help once more. "Everyone! Go get your things. Let me hand you that."
"I don't have more time! I need to learn it now!" The younger panda urged.
"I would have to agree. Any edge is better than no edge at all." Jimbei said.
"But will it be enough to take him down?" Zoro questioned.
"Sorry, you're not ready." Li turned away again. "Ok pack everything!"
"I am ready!" Po followed Li as he scampered through the town, helping others prepare for evacuation.
"Not quite." Li shut him down.
"Oh come on! He's done every stupid thing you asked! Just teach the boy!" Smoker nearly snarled.
"What are you talking about? I've done everything you asked. I've mastered napping, sleeping in, hammocks, hot tubs. I'm totally involved with my panda parts; now why won't you show me?!"
"Because I don't know it!" Li yelled. And just like that, the world seemed to stop for Po. He barely seemed to register the sway of the rope bridge he was standing on in the thick winter air.
"Hold on… what?!" Luffy's eyes widened in anger.
"This… was all for NOTHING!" Sanji roared.
"Nothing is left back at the valley! All those people!" Tashigi stifled a gasp.
"You what?" he barely breathed.
"I don't… know it, okay? No one does. Maybe we used to… but not anymore."
Po's sudden emptiness was replaced by an icy gaze. His friends had been subjected to a fate worse than death, whilst he was in a glorified daycare, and he had done nothing to save them. "You lied?"
"No, I… yes." Li admitted.
"W-why?" Po felt himself on the edge.
"To save your life!" Li stated firmly. "I fond out some blade-swinging maniac is coming for you. What am I supposed to do? Let that happen?"
"What a load! You were thinking of yourself! A true father lets their son make their own mistakes and decisions.
"Indeed. By leading your son here, you have courted death. And trust me when I say, she is a heartless mistress." Brook spoke with an ice cold fury.
Po was far beyond excuses, however, as he felt a glowing rage bubbling in his gut. "Yes! I'm the Dragon Warrior! Facing maniacs, that's my job. But because of you, I left the valley unprotected. I left my friends unprotected! And now they're all… they're all" Tears began to well up in the pandas eyes.
The audience swelled up with sympathetic understanding, knowing that if they were in the panda's position then they too would likely feel the same way.
"And you would have been too." Li looked deep into his son's eyes, as if he was searching for something that just wasn't there. "I lost you once. I am not going to lose you again. I can't."
He turned and tried the lead Po by the arm, but his son held his ground.
"You just did." Po turned and wordlessly carried himself forward back to the village.
"That's harsh man." Franky said.
"It's not a time to be worried about feelings. Now's the time for action." Zoro replied, the ghost of a smile on his face.
…
When Po marched back into the village all he could see was chaos. Families and friends fleeing in any direction they could. There was nothing but fear as far as he could see. Except Po wasn't scared. His fear and anger had been replaced by a steely determination.
"Po!" Ping rushed forward and tackled his son into a hug. "I'm so worried for you that I can't even enjoy being right about everything. Now run, run, run as fast as those chubby legs can carry you!"
Po gently shrugged off his father's embrace. "Run? There's nowhere to run."
"Nowhere to go where Jade Jaws won't be able to follow at the very least." Usopp corrected.
"He needs to seriously be educated on the concept of boundaries." Nami added.
"B-but what are you going to do?"
"I'm gonna stay and fight that monster."
Ping guffawed. "Po, he may be a monster, but he's still your father."
"Not him! Kai!"
"Wait, was that not clear?" Robin raised her hand in a "What the heck?' gesture.
"Indeed. One of those is not like the other." Law tilted his head.
"No…!" Ping gasped.
Before his father could protest any more, Po has already kicked an entire length of bamboo clean from its stalks and gathered the poles. Some paint, planks of wood and a lot of rope later, and the panda has constructed a training dummy in Kai's likeness with which he could hone his dulled skills.
Po followed the simple rhythm of attack, counter, and parry until he was moving so fast the untrained eye could barely register his movements. Po's breathing became erratic. He could feel Kai approaching and it was taking all of his training to ignore his basic desire to run.
"Tick tick, panda. Here's hoping you're ready in time." Tashigi crossed her fingers.
"Lord, even when you're cheering someone on you sound weird." Zoro rolled his eyes.
"Hey, leave her alone Cactus Top!" Sanji growled.
"Let her fight her own battles, perv!"
Hours passed by, yet Po didn't relent in his ferocious training in the slightest. Ping watched him train from an overlook and sighed, the dumpling in his hands having gone cold hours ago. Turning, he saw the lights in Li's house were still lit even during the evacuation. When he finally reached the front door, he peaked in to see Li crouched over his shrine, gazing in forlorn longing at the photo at its centre.
"Hungry?" Ping offered the bowl to the elder panda.
Li turned to greet him. "No I… not really. Well maybe just one." He took the bowl and began to gently scarf down its contents.
"You don't deserve those dumplings, you snake!" Luffy hissed.
"Woah! Calm down there slugger!" Franky held up his hands in jest.
"No! People could be dead because of him!"
"You know, you weren't the only one who was lying." Ping admitted.
"Huh?" Li hummed through his mouthful.
"I – I didn't really come along because I was worried Po would go hungry. I was worried about you."
"Worried that I'd go hungry?"
"No. I was worried that you'd steal Po from me."
"I'd what?" Li asked, surprise splayed across his face.
"I know, that was crazy." Ping smiled. "But I realised having you in Po's life doesn't mean less for me. I means more for Po."
"Hmm. Truly wise for his years." Jimbei smiled.
"Exactly. Its all about sharing the love, brother." Franky added.
"Now you've made it weird." Nami nearly retched.
Li allowed the words to wash over him before his face darkened. "Well… I'm not in his life. Not anymore."
"Your son got mad at you. Welcome to parenthood." Ping snarked.
"Yeah. A rollercoaster that never ends." Sanji chuckled.
"Wouldn't know." The rest of the audience said in unison. Truly none of them were qualified to speak on the matter.
"Y-You don't understand. I lied to him. He'll never forgive me."
"I lied to him for twenty years. He still thinks he came from an egg." Ping shrugged. "Sometimes we do the wrong things for the right reasons. Look, he's hurt. He confused. And he still has to save the world." Ping looked over at the shrine, before taking the photo Po, Li and himself had taken on the day they had met and placed it next to its sibling. "He needs all the family he can get."
Luffy had nothing to say that would add to the discussion, but his radiant smile managed to speak a thousand words.
…
Day was beginning to break through the heavy mist around the village, yet Po's assault on the dummy hadn't relented in the slightest. He kicked himself away from his wooden enemy and nearly collapsed to his knees in exhaustion. After a few deep breaths, he threw another strike, only for Tigress to catch his paw.
"This isn't going to work." She stated flatly.
"It has to." Po countered.
"You're not thinking straight."
"I am." Po moved towards the dummy again, only for tigress to kick him back. Within seconds they had begun to spar, matching each other blow for blow.
"Does it really always have to be a fight with her?" Usopp rolled his eyes.
"Absolutely. It's the only thing that's going to through his head." Luffy noted.
"Punching Kai into submission simply isn't going to cut it here. If it were, then he would have been taken out long ago. He must learn chi." Law noted solemnly
"You're not." Wham.
"I am." Whap.
"No." Flip.
"I am." Wham again.
"I've seen Kai. I've seen what he can do." Tigress caught Po in an armlock.
"But he hasn't seen what I can do." Po twisted himself and flipped so he had his thumb and index finger clamped around Tigress' own. He flexed his pinky.
"The Wuxi Finger Hold?" Tigress raised her eyebrow.
"YES!" The youngest of the audience cheered in glee. "That'll stop him for sure!"
"Indeed. I'm sure not even that brute could withstand certain death in the form of a pinky finger."
"Odd way of putting it, but I concur." Smoker agreed.
"What? It's my best move. All I have to do is get to Kai, grab his finger, then 'SKADOOSH', back to the Spirit Realm."
Tigress twisted her paw, so she was now the one with a deadly lock on Po's hand.
"He has an army of Jade Warriors. Everything they see, he sees. So there's no sneaking up on him. You will never get close enough."
"Oh right. Could he do that?" Usopp grumbled.
"How does she even know any of this?" Luffy questioned again.
"Would you stop that?!" Nami fumed once more at the boy's observations
Po snaked his way out of the grip, only to find himself once again at Tigress' ironclad mercy. "It's gonna work. "He attempted to break free, only to have his hopes dashed as he once again face-planted at Tigress' feet.
"He can only be stopped by a master of chi." She restated firmly.
But Po had had enough. "Ugh, you sound just like Shifu with the chi. Chi this. Chi that. Chi chi argh!" He clambered to his feet and started to gesticulate in frustration. "Look I'm not a master of chi. I don't even know if I'm the Dragon Warrior. I don't even know if I'm a real panda. I don't know who I am.
Tigress gained a look of sympathy as Po rubbed his eyelids. "You're right, there's no way I can stop him and his army."
"Poor guy just can't catch a break." Bepo mourned.
"Although, I believe we can confidently check off 'being a panda' from that list." Brook added.
"Yeah, but that goes without saying." Law agreed.
Unless you had an army of your own." A third voice called from behind him.
Po turned and was met with Li, who appeared from the fog.
"You?" The Dragon Warrior asked.
"Not just me."
"Us." Ping finished, as he too appeared from the mist… accompanied by the entirety of the panda village's population.
"Absolutely not! Putting civilians in harm's way is out of the question!" Smoker boomed.
"Agreed sir." Tashigi smiled proudly at her superior.
"They don't have many other options, Marine. I'm sure you'd know all about that." Robin stated in atone that could've halted a tidal wave.
"All of us." Li smile softly. "I finally found my son after all these years. It's gonna take more than the end of the world to keep us apart."
"But you don't even know Kung fu." Po reminded him.
"Then you will teach us."
"What?!" Po screamed. "I can't teach you Kung Fu! I can't even teach Tigress! And she already knows Kung Fu!" The Dragon Warrior gestured to the Master in question who nodded in agreement.
"I'd reconsider if I were you." Sanji said. "He's truly underplaying his skills as a teacher here."
"This isn't going to be pretty." Luffy giggled.
Li swallowed, then continued. "Po, I-I know I'm the last guy you wanna talk to right now. But you gotta believe me. We can do this. We can learn Kung Fu. We can be just like you."
Po's ears pricked up. "What did you just say?"
"We can do this?" Li responded hesitantly.
"No."
"We can learn Kung Fu?"
"After that."
"Uh, we can be just like you?"
"Yes!" Po laughed.
"I mean… theoretically." Jimbei was on the verge of agreement. "We'd just need A LOT of food."
"Agreed." Sanji huffed.
"I'm hating this plan." Luffy stared a the two viciously. More food for them meant less for him.
"We can?"
"No! You can't!" Po was near hysterics, like he had suddenly uncovered the answer to one of life's greatest mysteries. "But you don't have to be! That's what Shifu meant. I don't have to turn you into me. I have to turn you into you!"
Everyone was now completely befuddled by the panda's words. "That doesn't make sense." Ping groaned.
"No… that's brilliant!" Usopp cheered. "Forge yourselves into the best you can be!"
"Truly a worthy endeavour! The very thought makes my hair stand on end. After all, it's the only thing I've got left! Yohohoho!"
"I know!" Po engulfed Ping and Li in ferocious hug. "Thanks, dads!"
"You're welcome?" Ping questioned.
"I'm gonna do something I never thought I'd be able to do. I'm gonna teach Kung Fu." Po smirked, a new passion lighting up inside him.
"Well, at the very least, this is going to be very interesting." Law smirked.
"Indeed. However, if there's anything I've learned, Po is definitely one to bet on when all the chips are down." Nami added.
"I'm not so sure this time. He's definitely gonna have to pull out all the stops." Luffy stated firmly. The captain spoke true. This was it, a battle that would decide the future of panda kind, Kung Fu and the world.
…
Ugh. What a slog. This is the slowest act of the trilogy and I actually hated writing this. That's probably why it's been so long since you've last heard from me. And yes, I said trilogy, because the fourth film is an absolute travesty and I refuse to touch it with a 100 foot pole. I hope this chapter is of decent length to make up for the long wait, but I'm finally in the later stages of this fic. Over a year ago, I never though I would get this far, or that this little experiment would reach so many people, yet here we are. Glad you've all enjoyed it as we head off into the proverbial sunset.
To all those asking for other reactions in this format, I remind you that I have mentioned this is something I'm not looking to repeat for at least a while. However if any of you would like to use this format for your own reactions, please do not hesitate.
In the meantime, I'm holding my breath on anything Marvel related after being burned particularly badly, but Deadpool and Wolverine looks like and absolute blast. Hoping that holds up. If any of you have any good reaction fics that you'd recommend, please send them my way. Hope to finish this soon.
Until next time.
Ciao.