My Other Worldly Harem Curb Stomp is Wrong as Expected (SNAFU)
Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come wa Machigatteiru is created by Wataru Watari and published by Shogakukan.
Familiar of Zero is made by Noboru Yamaguchi and is published by Media Factory.
Neither is owned by me nor do I have any power over them.
Something that you may not know regarding fantasy worlds is that things like bikes do not exist in them. The main method of transportation is not my cozy seat but instead a large beast, so large it felt like straddling my fridge. To say that the start of this shopping trip was already depleting my wish to exist wouldn't be an exaggeration of my feelings.
Sometimes, Kirche can Stalk Silently
After being told that I was useless I was swept to the stables which were hidden in an outcrop of the castle. The horses there were all tall and had various natural colors that matched the ones I had seen while watching movies with my parents back home. Approaching it was odd as they just continued to grow with every step. The beast was even the same size as me! The brown one that Louise was naked on the back, I assumed we needed a saddle. And there it is, a man wearing a much less revealing outfit than the maid I had spoken to days before came up and spoke with Louise while I continued to stand in awe of the beautiful animal before me. A large saddle was tossed and harnessed as I reached out a hand to touch the face.
The skin was, unexpected. For some reason, I always believed petting a horse would be like stroking a cat. Instead, the hair was quite stiff, and the bone felt like it was just below the skin line. I assume that my pet had been pleasant as it took a step nearer, eliciting a shout from the help, and leaned into my touch. I softly brought my hand back and started a stroke down the neck, and this is where there was power, and yet the horse appeared pleased. Suddenly I was back home with Kamakura, sitting on my couch and petting him while aimlessly watching the television. I pressed my head into the neck of the fine beast as I held back the tears.
A huff ended my musing. Looking down quite a way the little Pinkett was standing arms crossed and not appearing amused.
"Yes," I said, probably with more exhaustion than she deserved, this trip was for me in a way. Wait, this trip is just to make me look like a trophy husband. Is this a part of being a househusband? Her brow obviously scrunched at my tone, I could feel her want to cast a spell on me, so I quickly devised a plan to not do that, it was not the poor horse's fault after all. "What can I do for you, Master," I added a slight bow. Coming up her head no longer looked at me but instead at the roof, and there was a slight redness to her.
"I would like assistance getting up." She had started proud but as she continued talking her blush deepened and her voice grew quiet.
"Yes, Yes," I said grabbing her under the arms and hoisting her up. She was incredibly light. The soft fabric of her blouse let the heat of her body feel almost like it touched my skin. I also fought a blush as I looked down to avoid seeing up her skirt as she kicked over our ride. She continued to not look at me as I turned away.
"Say, master, how exactly do I get up?" Behind me, I thought Louise started to talk, but the stable hand knew what I meant as he came up with a stool for me to stand on.
"Will this be enough sir?"
"Perfect," I got on and tried to put some distance between me and the little miss, but the saddle pushed us together in a way I needed to concentrate completely to not get exploded into the next realm. "Ready," I said, my voice pitched nearly an octave higher. My hands were both on her stomach as her warmth flooded my mind even further.
In front of me, I couldn't hear what she was mumbling, but suddenly she said "hya" and with a small crack of the reins we were off. The trot happened in a quiet rhythm as neither Louise nor I spoke, nor intended to speak to each other. Luckily, the matter of, controlling myself, quickly ended as instead, a violent pain began to infest the very same place. The castle was surrounded by a dense forest on the path we took out. The trees were nearly as tall as the walls of the fortress. A wide path took us to a large stretching plane of farmsteads each growing crops of various assortments, none of which I knew. Emerging from the woods made me wish to be in them again as the sun stood high in the sky and brought an uncomfortable warmth with it. I tried to lean back, but it just became even more uncomfortable. I instead brought my hands back to her stomach, enacting a squeak as I did.
"Can you just stay still back there?" She whined to me.
"Sorry, I am really uncomfortable back here, I am not used to this."
"We should be there soon," she replied to me, almost kind, "If not horse, how did you get around?"
"Well, I used my bike, but for further trips either train, or car I suppose."
"Bike? Train? Car?" She cocked her head back and looked at me. Her eyes were bright and inquisitive, and so close to my own. When she had said car, I could feel her breath on my lips.
I suppose that those would all be strange things I thought leaning back and looking up. "A bike would probably be the easiest to explain," I started, "It was like a two wheeled wagon that moved using your legs."
"So, you stand there holding a wide…" and thus started the long battle on trying to explain how a bike worked to someone with no concept of gears or peddles. Eventually using an allegory with a wheelbarrow and a water wheel the general idea was able to be conveyed.
"So, these peddles are like the wheel and the turning mechanism is your legs?"
"Exactly, nice job Louise," I said with a smile and patted the top of her head, holding on with the second hand slightly tighter.
"Oh, there it is." She said a little louder than normal. Pointing off in the distance. We had been riding for what seemed an hour by the movement of the sun. The city appeared to be down a slope from the road. Wide walls held the city within its border with a sprawling townscape surrounding it. The city was built on a natural hill with the eclipse being higher than the one we were traveling on. Standing in the center of the large dome was a castle of pure white. It was very pointy with stained glass windows that could be seen gleaming from even this far out. How had I missed this?
"Wow," I ended up saying by accident. But truly that was the only word that could be used to describe such a picturesque view.
"Welcome, my familiar, to Tristain, the capital city of Tristain." The way she spoke said she was proud of the achievement. Very proud of her nation. I can respect that. Riding into the city town many folks made way as our horse continued its trot. We passed what I am sure was a smithy, a clothing store, and a food stall that looked to be selling a grilled meat of some kind.
"Is there a reason we aren't stopping?" I asked to my ride.
"Of course, we need to shop."
"And these?" I had a feeling that the answer I would get would not please me.
"Oh, these places are for commoners." Looks like I was right. Why was this class divide so important to those people? "Nothing here is up to a Noble's standard anyway." How would you know we didn't even stop? I didn't have any response to that that was not offensive, so I stayed in silence instead, or relative silence. This city town was rambunctious. Children played in the streets and people chatted in open windows to shopfront houses. The sound of dogs barking erupted from the ally's as we passed but the horse did not falter a step.
Eventually we rode to the city gate which towered above us in might. Unlike the veneer of a wall that "protected" the castle we lived in; this wall was real. It was roughly three horses thick with multiple gate recesses above. A teller stood in a recess which we rode to with another on his opposite side. The line was quite long to get to him, and when we finally did it was resolved as quickly as, "Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière and her guard. Nothing to declare."
"Very well, have a wonderful day." The man said never looking up but writing in his book all the same. The public stable was nearby and Louise expertly guided herself to speak to the man and riding to a stall. I got down first, raw and in pain with my legs spread apart.
"Ready." The small girl asked me with a blush. I reached out and grabbed her waist which she leaned into my hand. I caught her and lowered her down. She tossed an odd coin to the man at the front before handing him her cloak which jingled slightly when it was put down also, it was oddly heavy. It felt like it weighed more than she did when I picked her up.
"So, we are on?" I asked as we walked the busy street. Not many people rode in on horse but the town was like a roller coaster with people getting in and leaving.
"Bourdonné Street, the center of all skilled masters in many counties." She said, and I believed it. Signs decorated each side with scribblings that denoted a language I could not read. "Strait on is the palace." Looking above saw the castle on the hill looming over the entire town, its scale incomprehensible comparatively to the buildings that clung to its shadow. Taking his eyes off the beautiful sight almost felt like a sin, but so much was in his vision. Shops selling everything a fantasy game player could ever want dragged his attention with every step. Along a side street a sweet aroma overtook me and I started to it. The sound of strange strings and singing and percussion rattled my brain as I stepped ever closer. "Hey, don't walk into alley's, there are lots of thieves and pickpockets here."
"Sorry, Louise," I said, "I seem to be a bit hungry."
She looked at me with eyes that could turn a man to stone but said nothing, just turning on her heel with a huff. Dropping my head in shame I followed. Eventually we turned off the main road to a much less busy side road. The facings appeared less well maintained on this road and eventually, we arrived at a clothing store. The nice receptionist welcomed us and a man in his fifties came to measure me. Each piece of clothing it seemed would be made to fit. He stripped me down behind a curtain as Louise conversed with someone over the price and quantity of the set. I was just cold and wanted to be out of there.
After an eternity I was wearing clothes again, and very pleased with it. My stride had even started to even out. Getting out for the curtain Louise was glaring at me, "Pay the woman one hundred écus," she told me clearly mad I had taken so long. Sorry, I just stood there, there was nothing I could do. Going for her coin bag I opened it and saw the bundle of coins. I looked at Louise for help and her glare intensified. "It's one hundred and fifty of the gold coins. You do know what gold is right."
That was really mean. Holy cow, did I really take that long, or was she upset about the price. "Wait, didn't she say one hundred-"
Louise sharply cut me off "one fifty, did I stutter." I quickly started to count on the counter. With a lighter load, we left the shop post haste. "Weapons, weapons." She spoke to herself as we walked the circular planned road. Taking another turn down an even less frequented road, "I think she said it was near Peyman's Potion Shop, ah there it is." Then with a cute skip she ran on ahead. I dutifully followed taking larger steps as I did. Refuse lined the street we turned as she continued. The street we now walked could only be called disgusting as we reached a sign with an obvious collection of weapons on it. She stood by it, expecting me to open it.
"It is really gross here."
"Not lots of money in selling swords to nobles in person, it's a wonder he got such a good spot considering it."
Opening it for her I quickly escaped the nasty stench and dutifully shut the door behind me muttering, "Thank you for having us," as I did. The room we entered was dark. Lanterns burning oil clung to opposite walls showing strange shadows through the shop. Weapons of all varieties sat on the walls in various displays. Buckets full of arms sat on the floor around mannequins of armor. In the center of the room with burnt-out candles around it was an ordinate full plate armor piece with beautiful patterns inlaid to it.
A man was seated behind his counter. Puffs of smoke came from his long pipe as he eyed the two of us with closed eyes as I walked along the wall of his shop. Louise did not dally, she instead walked straight up to him and suddenly his tune changed. "My lady! My noble lady! All my wares here are real and reasonably priced! There is nothing criminal here!" What the heck kind of into is that? That wasn't real, right? He is obviously going to scam us after that right? We should leave right now!
"I'll be your customer," the apparent idiot I traveled with gladly accepted that series of red flags without missing a beat.
"You will. A noble, for yourself. That is rather strange. Your types normally use wands. I don't have any, not even those sword wands."
"It's for my bodyguard." I lifted my hand up. "I can't say I know much about swords so please show me something reasonable." I continued to browse the collection with my eyes, some of these looked really nice. The weird shop owner whispered something to himself as he left.
"Seeing anything you like, Familiar," I took a deep breath as she said that.
"I thought we talked about this Louise. I am Hikigaya. My name is important to me." She had the decency to at least look sorry for it, even if she didn't say it, that was until her personality turned from a flash of embarrassment to a look of irritation. Almost like she was talking to a bug. Is Bugigaya going to make a comeback today? I really hope not.
"Wait, I am spending my entire allowance on you. I can call you whatever I want, stupid." Ouch. That hurt. At least I was not Wormigaya again. I think I might have had to kill myself out of sure disappointment.
Mr. Shop Keeper came back to the front holding a beautiful sword. It was a longsword of some kind, around a meter in length. Its handle had a guard that was ornate like a rapier, with a thin enough blade to match. A bright gem of green paired beautifully with the golden pommel, all in all, it was a beautiful piece. He held it out easily in front of him and I approached the top. "Speaking of servants, I have seen an uptick in servants bearing swords for their noble lords. The last one had a sword of this type."
"Is this a trend?" Louise asked with interest as well as curling of her brow. It made her nose scrunch up slightly as she did.
"It seems to be the 'Fouquet the Crumbling Dirt' he is hitting larger and larger houses as of late. He keeps targeting noble'noblers, so they think that a their servants is the best way to fight that." Louise scoffed at the suggestion.
"It's too thin." Louise examined the sword, "It will snap right away. I would like to see something bigger and broader." I thought it was fine myself, but it was not my money paying for it, so I stood silent.
"My lady, I think that this sword will fit your servant perfectly. In fact-"
"Did I stutter?" I winced for the man. I had received that glare before as well. Not something I would want anyone to receive.
"One moment." The man left quickly to the storage room.
"Louise, that was quite rude." I started.
"Shut it, Hikigaya. I am getting a headache from this filthy place. I am not leaving without getting something to make you look mildly presentable." I winced. She was really not in a good mood was she? I am sorry about the ride, ok. And sorry I don't know how money works here. "Have something to say." She held up a fist to me.
"This one is probably my best piece." The man said turning the corner, unaware he had just saved my life. He came with a blade nearly as tall as he was, thick with many inlaid jewels on the hilt. "This is my best item in stock I would say. A noble might sell their nobility to buy it." Selling nobility. Is that something that can be done? I should do that. "Joking of course. But I doubt that your servant could even lift it."
"How much?" Louise asked with large eyes and almost salivating for the weapon. It looked cool, and I'm sure I would look awesome with it, but I agreed with Sir. Shop owner. I feel like swinging it twice would leave me exhausted.
"This was made by the famous Germanian," seriously. Germanian. Was there a Brittonia, a Italia. How uncreative can you be? "Alchemist Lord Shupei. It can even cut through metal like warm butter because of the magic it has," ya, sorry guy. I am gonna need a source on that ya know. Its not that I don't trust you. I just think you are shady as hell and that you are running a scam against a little girl right now.
Apparently, I was the only one in the two-person party who had that thought though, as Louise proudly stepped forward with, "Peasant, I am a Noble. When I say, 'how much', you say a price." I really need to have a sit down about this who 'being a classist scumbag' thing she has going on.
"Two thousand écus." He said with a frown.
"But, I can buy a whole manner for that!" Louise shouted at him.
"This is a sword that you can make a legend from. I'd wager you could buy a castle for it. Best price you can get."
"How about instead you buy me." A deep voice came from the back of the store. "I feel like we would get along great there Gandálfr. I looked around confused as the store owner looked on in shock and horror. I started to walk to the voice which led me to a bucket.
"Shut up. Derf. I don't need any more of your help. Worst gold I have ever spent."
One of the hilts on a straight single-edged sword without a sheath moved as the voice rang out, "Shut up, Kalvin. You are wasting my beautiful self in a place such as this." I broke into a wide grin and grabbed the MAGIC TALKING SWORD and looked at it with hungry eyes. The back of my hand burned, but I didn't care. Now, this is something cool in my other world. "Someone has a good eye I would say. Kalvin how about a whetstone, some gambeson, some oil, a sheath, and me for… hmmm 150?"
"I should just pay them with the rest to get you out of here. You used to be so well behaved."
Louise watched on in abject horror. "Is that a… sentient sword?"
"Goddamn right I am missy. You should be in awe of my glorious self." The weapon wiggled in my grip moving me around.
"Sorry, my noble lady. It is a sentient, magical, intelligent, or should I say idiotic sword. An insolent little shit too. Derf, keep it up and I'll melt you."
"Do it, you pathetic coward. I'm bored of your stupid shop. I should let the knights know next time they swing by about the-"
"Shut up, Derf."
"We'll take that deal if it is still on the table, for Derf, right?"
"Derflinger-sama boy. Remember that."
"Hai, sensei. Hikigaya Hachiman, at your service." My grin was even bigger now.
"Sensei, I like that."
"Fine. The deal is all yours." The man said in a huff.
"Wait," The elephant in the room spoke up, or should I say mouse. "I didn't agree to this. I am not spending one hundred and fifty écus for a piece of trash."
"You listen here, Lady-" Derflinger started, but I interrupted.
"You have it wrong, Louise. He said he would give us all of that for taking the sword." I said with my grin growing even bigger, "and he agreed."
The shop owner looked at me with a slack jaw. As Derflinger started a deep chortle, "Oh, partner. I am going to love this."
It took an hour to get the rest of the equipment. Leaving the store with a happy smile, a sentient sword on my hip. As I stepped out, I could have sworn I saw the sight of red hair, but after a second look, I didn't see anything.
"Get that grin off your face."
"No way. We got all of this for free."
"In fact, I don't think that could have gone better little miss."
"My name is Louise. You had better use it you rusty piece of scrap metal."
I interrupted before a fight could start, "How about we get dinner? Maybe you will be less crabby if we do."
"I do not need-"Her stomach made a deep growl as her face burned red.
"What's a good place around here." I said flashing a smile. She answered by stomping away.
"Looks like I won't be bored anymore their partner." Putting my hand on his worn grip and watching the small girl stomp away, I couldn't help but agree.
Lots of Louise and Hikigaya interaction here. Hope It's up to snuff. Have a great day!