A long-form Marauder fic about Remus Lupin and the first girl he ever loved, set against the backdrop of the First Wizarding War. Marauders Era, post-Hogwarts with the first Order of the Phoenix. Based on and (mostly) following the events of canon. On its surface, a love story; if you peel back a few layers it's an action/adventure story; but at it's core, it's a war story - how relationships suffer, how we deal with grief differently, and how we fall apart when there's nothing left.
Welcome to "But He Didn't Want The Moon"! I wanted this story to feel as tangible as possible, and to follow the events of canon as closely as possible (with the exception of some romantic pairings...but hey, we never know). After spending over five years on this story, I finally feel like I've done the Marauders justice.
You're in for a long fic, with 64 chapters in store AS WELL AS a sequel AND a school years prequel in the works. Hope you stick around!
****A NEW new re-edited version of this story has now been posted. If you read the original, you'll notice a big shift in the timeline as well as some added chapters.
PLAYLIST FOR THIS FIC CAN BE FOUND IN MY PROFILE
(Feel free to recreate it on other platforms, but please Title it "But He Didn't Want the Moon" or "BHDWTM" :)
Note about the playlist: these suggested songs per chapter are based on my reading pace, and everyone's pace is different. Sorry if it's super off for you. General rule of thumb is the song changes when the scene changes, but not always. Use your best judgement, or don't pay attention to the playlist at all. Up to you :)
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Disclaimer: all characters and things related to the Harry Potter universe belong to JK Rowling
From the playlist:
1979 - The Smashing Pumpkins
Since You Been Gone - Rainbow
Don't Bring me Down - ELO
But He Didn't Want the Moon
Ch. 1 - The Surprise
October 31st, 1979
"Did you pick up your tux?"
"Yes, just got it this morning," Remus lied smoothly. He supposed he would just have to pick it up sometime tomorrow before the rehearsal. He, admittedly, was not looking forward to wearing the damn thing, however elated he was for the reason he had to wear it. But James had been kind enough to pay for it, so you would hear no protestations from Remus.
"Good...that's good…" James muttered.
"...I trust the house is all squared away?" Remus asked.
"What?"
"...The…house?"
"The house- Oh, yeah. Yeah, the last of the furniture went in this week. Lily's got a great eye, it's shaped up into quite the digs. Can't wait for you to see the finishing touches."
"I'm looking forward to it. Which backsplash did you settle on?"
"The yellow one we showed you."
"Brilliant."
He waited for James to keep talking; because, usually, James kept talking. But instead, he fell silent for a few moments and stared very intently into his pint. Like most everything else, this did not go unnoticed by Remus.
"...Prongs?"
"Hm?" he hm-ed, his eyes never leaving his beer.
Remus cracked a smile, recognizing this as one of the rare occasions he had something to pick on James for. "...Am I to believe what I'm seeing? 'The' James Potter, actually nervous?"
This heinous accusation snapped James out of his reverie, and he pawed defensively at his jet black, disobedient hair. "What? No, bugger off. No, no, it's just…"
"...It's just...?" Remus awaited his rebuttal.
James tried to come up with something clever and arrogant to say, but finally gave up with a sigh. "...Yeah, alright, I'm scared stiff," he confessed with uncharacteristic humility. Wow. Talk about how love can change a bloke.
Remus chuckled. Seven years of mischief at school, plus another year fighting a war with an underground resistance organization, and James Potter was scared of getting married.
"You know, when you see her walking down the aisle, you won't be afraid anymore." This made James smile, as Remus hoped it would. "Furthermore," he continued, "you told me before you asked her to marry you that you had never been more sure of anything in your life."
"I'm still sure, I am. Dead certain. Doesn't help the nerves, though."
"I'd be nervous too if I were getting married at the ripe old age of nineteen."
"I know it's crazy, but it's like I said: We figured, why wait when none of us are promised tomorrow? 'Specially in these times."
"It's a fair point," Remus conceded, sipping his own beer. He knew this explanation well, as James had repeated some version of it many times before. It wasn't that he didn't believe him when he said this, but he thought that, perhaps, James still couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that he'd actually managed to get Lily Evans to fall in love with him, and wanted to offer her his surname as soon as possible to prove it to himself. Besides, James had never been the patient type, and after six long years of unsuccessful wooing (probably the longest James had ever had to wait for anything in his entire life), and much forgiveness on her part, Lily had finally come 'round, so James didn't see why they should have to wait any longer. And they were good together. Lily was compassion personified with twice the wit James had if such a thing was possible. She made James want to be better, and shockingly, he was. Remus looked back up at his friend to find him smiling knowingly to himself, and took the opportunity to harass him further. "Lily is truly too good for you. You know that, don't you?"
"Ha, trust me, I'm aware. Lil's too good for this world."
"...Lily Evans," Remus mused, shaking his head from side to side and chuckling. He could still hardly believe it.
"Lily…Evans," James marveled.
"Nearly Lily Evans Potter."
"If I pass out from the shock of it, just tell the minister to keep going."
Remus patted him on the back. "The wedding will be wonderful, don't worry."
Then James fell silent again, as he had a moment ago. "Listen...about the wedding...Moony, I've got to warn you," he started, shifting uncomfortably on his barstool.
"Warn me?" Remus echoed, thinking this was maybe the beginning of a joke. But James was not smirking in his usual devilish way; instead, he looked quite humorless, which led Remus to believe that perhaps something really was wrong. James and Lily had purposefully planned the wedding around the lunar cycle so that Remus could enjoy the festivities without having to worry about his "furry little problem," as James called it. He didn't see what else he would possibly have to be warned about other than that. "...Warn me about what?"
"It's...erm...well, it's going to come as a surprise…" James adjusted his glasses as his eyes darted skittishly back to his lager.
"James, spit it out," Remus bade him, before taking another sip - a choice which he would soon heartily regret.
"...Em is coming."
Remus sputtered and choked on his stout before fumbling the glass and spilling half of its contents onto the bar counter. The other patrons in The Barrister's took notice and shot the pair of them judgemental looks as Remus coughed noisily and James floundered about in search of nearby napkins.
"Well there's no sense in trying to drown yourself-"
"Please tell me this is a prank," wheezed Remus, red-faced from his coughing fit. He snatched a wad of napkins from James and began dabbing his beer-soaked trousers. "A cruel, unsavory Halloween prank." Undoubtedly Padfoot's idea. Bastard. He looked around to see if Sirius and Peter were hiding somewhere, laughing at him.
"Afraid not. She's recently gotten back in touch, so Lilyaskedhertocometothewedding." The words tumbled out of his mouth all at once. Better to rip that bandaid off.
"What?" Remus exclaimed as if he hadn't heard him the first time, drawing more glares from onlookers.
Untroubled by others as per usual, James continued unfazed. "Remember I'd told you she never responded to the invitation? Well, we received a pretty lengthy letter a few days ago. Lily and Marlene have gone to see her in London-"
"London-! Since when is she back?" Remus hissed, becoming more aware of the other people around them. That was one more letter than he'd ever gotten from her.
"Just within the past couple of weeks, apparently."
"And nobody thought to tell me?"
"Lily and I had to think about it a bit!"
"Bloody hell James, what a lovely surprise," Remus griped. Once he discarded the wet napkins atop the bar, he grasped desperately for the pack of Rothmans in his breast pocket. He offered a cigarette to James, who declined, and lamented the fact that he'd picked up the habit right as James had decided to quit - and since James had quit, so had Sirius. And Padfoot used to source the good French ones, too. Bastards.
"Look, I'm getting married for Godric's sake, and I really do want you to enjoy the wedding. You don't have to talk to her if you don't want to, I would completely understand if you didn't."
"Then I hope you're planning on a large place setting for the inevitable elephant in the room." This was mumbled a bit with the cigarette pressed into the corner of his mouth. He felt around for the lighter in his trouser pocket, but the trembling in his hands made this a difficult task.
"Moony-"
"Wait a minute," Remus interrupted him again as a frightening thought arose. "She's not coming to the rehearsal tomorrow, is she?"
"Well, that's the other thing...Lil wants her up there as a bridesmaid."
Remus's eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets, and he had to grit his teeth to stop himself from swearing loudly. "She's a part of the wedding party now?" In his opinion, she'd missed that cut off by a long shot.
"They figured since Petunia won't be using the dress, after some alterations-"
"Unbelievable. Unbelievable-"
"Mate, I know what kind of a position this puts you in, and if I were you, I'd be fuming. Obviously, she did a really horrid thing; but Lily misses her, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same. It wouldn't be right not to have her there, I'm sorry..."
Remus lit the cigarette and inhaled it forcefully as if he were trying to suck the last bit of a beverage through a straw, then exhaled quickly to get another drag in as soon as possible. He was more furious than he'd let on; James was supposed to be on his side.
"…Did the letter explain why?"
"…Not really. Just said how sorry she was."
Remus scoffed.
Perhaps his anger was misdirected. In James's shoes; no, Lily's…well, he supposed he might've done the same thing. Maybe he wouldn't've, he didn't know. Lily was altogether more forgiving than Remus could ever strive to be.
He wasn't at all prepared to see her tomorrow. Then again, he didn't really think any amount of time could have prepared him. Perhaps the last-minute warning was an act of mercy, saving him from prolonged anxiety. He considered this as he massaged his forehead, retreating into his thoughts.
James knew the glazed-over look well, and worried what Remus might be considering. "You have to be there, you know. I need you there," he reminded him, calling him back to that moment in time. "You have to show up."
Remus savored the smoke in his lungs, then exhaled as he turned back to his friend. "Honestly James, I didn't know you had such little faith in me," he retorted, both disparaging and reassuring him. After standing by him through everything for nearly a decade, there was nothing Remus wouldn't do for James. "I'll be there." He flicked the cigarette. "I'll be sweating like a pig, and probably on the verge of a stroke, but I'll be there.
James smiled gratefully. "C'mon, don't say that. We'll have a great time. You're going to look very smart in your tux, and that'll make her sorry." He leaned over, whispering: "It's not like she's a Death Eater. We've been through worse, haven't we?" He tugged Remus's arm playfully, which did not succeed in lightening the mood.
"I don't know, I'll let you know after this weekend." He rather thought he'd take the Death Eater right about now.
…
The following afternoon, Remus strode somewhat reluctantly to St. Jerome's Church, which stood just a few streets down from his terraced house and a block away from the soon-to-be-newlyweds' cottage. St. Jerome's was located in the heart of Godric's Hollow, and had been since the thirteenth century. Its quaint, unassuming nature made it a perfect venue for a small wartime wedding. Remus kept having to remind himself that this was supposed to be a happy occasion. Two of his best friends were getting married, and yet he found himself dreading the whole ordeal.
As he passed the adjacent graveyard, his hands shoved safely in the pockets of his corduroy jacket, he heard the faint crack of an apparition. Halting his unenthusiastic march, he waited, removing his hand from his pocket to hover over his wand should he need it.
He was quite relieved to see none other than Sirius Black emerge from behind a large oak tree.
"You were supposed to arrive in the chapel," Remus chastised him, relaxing his hand and checking to make sure no one had noticed.
"Guess I just missed the landing," Sirius said smugly through a not-so-sorry grin. He was an effortlessly handsome chap with a symmetrical jawline as sharp as they come and a sharp tongue to match. As he approached, he ran his fingers through the center of his shoulder-length obsidian hair, and Remus could not articulate why this stupid gesture always sort of made him want to lightly punch Sirius in the jaw.
Sirius weaved through the headstones on his way to hop over the graveyard wall and embrace his friend. "Blimey Moony, you look like you're about to be sick all over your shoes," he observed, which only increased Remus's urge to sock him.
"Nice to see you too, Padfoot," Remus replied flatly. "Marlene inside already then?"
"Yeah, she went over a bit early to hang some decorations and whatnot. Lily insisted she didn't need any, but...well, you know how Marley gets."
You'd never hear the word girlfriend leave his tongue, but Marlene McKinnon seemed to be the first girl to make a monogamist of Sirius Black (though he still insisted they were "just having fun" and "not taking things too seriously"). Not that anyone was complaining. Marlene was as caring as she was clever and had done much to tame Sirius into a semi-respectable semi-adult.
There was a lull in the conversation and Sirius's smile faded. He looked at Remus apprehensively. "...I heard about-"
"I'd rather not talk about it," Remus called over his shoulder as he pushed past him and approached the church. "Today should be about celebrating James and Lily, so drawing attention to it will be quite unnecessary, thank you very much."
"I don't see how that's at all avoidable in this situation, but here we go nonetheless," Sirius remarked under his breath as he caught up to him.
They walked into the sanctuary where preparations were being made for the ceremony. While small, St. Jerome's was a lovely spot for a wedding. Its tall, stained-glass windows cast fragments of colored light onto the mahogany pews, contrasting the cold but time-honored limestone of the foundation. At the back of the church behind the altar was a larger rose window, its multi-colored segments of glass woven together into an intricate circular pattern. By the time of the wedding tomorrow, the late afternoon light would pour through that very window and bathe James and Lily in its glow as they promised themselves to one another. Yes, a fitting spot for a wedding indeed, Remus thought.
On the outer aisle of the sanctuary, Peter was assisting Marlene with hanging some white decorative bows over the windows. With magic this would have been a quick task, but since they had to err on the side of caution with so many muggles in town, Marlene had to get up on a ladder to do it. Adjacent to the altar, the officiant was speaking with the happy couple. Remus noticed that they both looked oddly serene. No more nerves; at least for the time being.
His observation of the church and the Potters distracted him from the footsteps approaching behind him. It was only when Lily turned and beamed at the source of the footsteps that he realized.
"Emmie!"
The bride left the altar, sneaking a sympathetic look in Remus's direction as she ran to embrace her friend.
"You made it!"
"Of course I did."
Marlene had climbed down from her ladder and followed suit.
"I've brought the dress so you can try it on."
"Thanks, Marley."
"So you were…allowed to come, then?"
"Marley, please..."
"Lily, I'm just asking."
"…I wouldn't miss it."
Remus froze, not daring to turn around. Eventually the boys greeted the woman behind him, as they, like himself, had not seen her in many months.
After he'd said hello, James came up alongside Remus and placed a steadying hand on his friend's shoulder. Apparently, his impression of a statue was beginning to look a bit awkward.
Directing his gaze up to the heavens and heaving a sigh, Remus shuffled around slowly.
Fan-bloody-tastic.
Emmeline Vance remained infuriatingly beautiful. He was rather hoping she would have sprouted a goiter or something.
She was releasing Sirius from a hesitant hug when their eyes locked, and every muscle in her body appeared to stiffen all at once. Knowing the extent of both of their discomfort, particularly Remus's, the rest of the wedding party thought it best to return to their stations and hastily walked away.
"Hello Remus," she addressed him meekly.
He acknowledged her with a nod, the perfect picture of stoicism. "Emmeline."
They stood in silence for a few moments, each observing the other. Emmeline was unable to come up with anything to say, while Remus had to keep himself from saying anything.
Their stares were broken by the minister's voice from the altar. "Shall we begin?"
Emmeline scurried past Remus and positioned herself on Lily's side behind Marlene. After delaying one moment longer so he could collect himself, Remus took his place next to Sirius.
The rehearsal and the dinner was one big blur, but Remus tried as best he could to smile and appear like he was enjoying himself for Lily and James. He could attend to the problem another time.
But it was so unfair that he was being made to look at her.