From the playlist:
Francesca - Hozier
the end. - November Ultra
Us Against the World - Coldplay
Ch. 12 - The Stupid Question
Remus usually enjoyed the rain, but not today.
He walked home from the meeting without an umbrella or umbrella charm and let the droplets rinse him clean of the past two days. It wasn't entirely pleasant though, and was more like getting pelted than getting purified, but he felt compelled to suffer through it anyway. The nap and the food in his stomach had alleviated some of the morning-after illness: his chills had subsided, but the aches were still relentless and the frigid evening rain made his joints even more sore. Perhaps he'd have a hot shower before bed, and if he was lucky, maybe he would just melt away down the drain.
Upon reaching his house, he was greeted by a shrill screech from somewhere overhead. He squinted up in the lamplight to find a distinguished barn owl perched underneath the eaves of the roof. He waited for it to swoop down and drop off a letter for him, but it did not; it merely remained in its spot, cleaning its feathers. Perhaps just a regular, non-postal owl.
When he went to let himself inside, he noticed the form of another person through the window. Wand drawn, he entered the house and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw who was standing in his living room.
"Emmeline!" he exclaimed, shoving his wand away. She looked just as startled by his presence as he did by hers.
"Hi," she greeted him nervously. "I'm sorry, I just...I let myself in…"
"Yes, I can see that…"
"...You're drenched." She pointed out the water pooling around him on the floor, but he was scarcely paying attention.
"Yes, well I…" He wiped his damp face, but his hands were wet too. "Sorry, is everything alright?" he asked, half pleased and half perplexed. She was standing in front of a trunk and a suitcase Remus had never seen before.
Emmeline, whose hair had become unruly, wrung her hands nervously. She began a few fumbling sentences, but then would have to stop and start over. "I was just...Well, I...erm...You left so fast, and…" Godric damn it. She'd been sitting here for nearly thirty minutes coming up with things to say to him, and now she had forgotten everything she rehearsed. She covered her face with her hands. That's when he noticed.
"What's happened to your engagement ring?"
She looked up from her hands, a bit relieved that he had broken the ice on that subject for her. "...I actually…gave it back to Tiberius this afternoon..."
"You-...Oh," he uttered, flummoxed.
She gave him back the ring. She gave him back the ring.
Remus felt as though his heart leapt up into his mouth. "And you...came here," he realized.
"Well...I planned on going to the McKinnon's. But first, I-"
"Why did you come here?" he asked candidly.
Emmeline chewed her lip. "...Okay," she began, discarding all pretenses. "I don't want to marry Tiberius. I don't know if I ever really did. He obviously wasn't happy about it, and that's putting it mildly, but there's not much to be done about that now. I don't exactly know why I came straight here. I knew I had to talk to you, so I didn't bother taking my things elsewhere; which, now that I think about it, seems rather presumptuous...I'm realizing now that I did not plan this very well...Look, I just-...I need to ask you a question, and before I do, I want you to know that, regardless of your answer, I'm glad that I ended the engagement and I stand by the fact that it was the right thing to do. But what I'm really trying to ask is…" She heaved a sigh. "What I'm really trying to ask is, do you still want me?"
Remus just blinked at her. "...Do I still want you?"
His lack of an affirmative response caused Emmeline to ramble in defense. "I know you're probably still so angry with me, and I don't blame you, I'm still angry with myself, but I had to ask, because I spent so much time convincing myself you'd move on that it never occurred to me that you might still want to be together, which you might not, that's completely understandable too, and now I've brought all my things here, which was stupid because I don't even know if you do, and even if you did, then this would all be moving rather quickly for me to bring my things-"
Remus lunged forward, took her face in his hands, and kissed her hard.
His muscle memory did not fail him, and his lips easily found their habitual spot against hers. Emmeline was so gobsmacked that it took her a few moments to register what was happening. When she finally did, she grabbed the lapel of his dripping jacket to pull him closer, undeterred by the fact that this dampened her own clothes.
He held on for a long time, only pulling away to murmur:
"How could you think, even for a moment, that I would not still want you?"
A sigh of relief rushed out from her, and she kissed his palm. "I've been so stupid."
"You're here," he marveled, looking back and forth between her hazel eyes to convince himself of it.
"Remus, I-..." she began, but stopped.
His smile diminished. "...Yes?"
"...Kiss me again."
And he did. Vigorously. Remus pushed her up against the nearest wall, feeling as though he could crumble when she took him in her arms.
She was back, she was back, she was back-
"Remus," she said breathlessly, letting her coat slide from her shoulders before shucking his inundated jacket off of him.
"Yes?" His lips moved to her neck.
Hardly able to keep her thoughts straight when she felt his mouth on her skin, she tugged at him pleadingly. "I know I've literally just broken off an engagement with another man-"
"Good riddance-"
"I know this probably makes me a shameless slag-"
"We have ten months to catch up on."
"Brilliant. My thoughts exactly." She brought his mouth back to hers and took his bottom lip between her teeth.
A depraved groan rumbled out of his throat.
"I think we should get started right away, don't you?" She hurriedly unfastened his soaked button-up. Peeking out from the wet undershirt were all those scars she had so missed. "…Bedroom upstairs?"
"Y-er, Yes," he choked out, having trouble recalling.
"Lead the way, then."
If she'd covered the stairs in hot coals and asked him to crawl, he would have.
Once in his room, he guided her down onto the unmade bed and eagerly climbed on top of her as insistent hands pulled him back against her lips. Hardly missing a beat, he pinned her hands above her head and started lifting off her long sleeved shirt. It wasn't until he felt the gauze of the bandages under his fingertips that he remembered.
"Shit- OH, shit-" he cursed, immediately scrambling off the bed. "I'm sorry, I can't believe I didn't think about your injury, I just got carried away..." Emmeline had this ability to make him forget what he was to the point of fault. It had only been about twelve hours ago that he'd sworn off love and happiness and all that nonsense for the good of mankind, and yet here he was ready to swan dive into her knickers like none of it made any difference.
She reached for him, disgruntled that he'd stopped. "No no no, I'm fine! I did the silver and dittany, I can't even feel anything anymore. Look, see for yourself." She began unwinding the bandages.
"Wait, don't," he protested, but they came off before he had the chance to intervene. He stared at where the four lacerations had been, only able to recognize their original spots from the thin pink lines that were there now. The silver and dittany combined with whatever the healers did that morning had helped the wounds to heal very quickly.
He barely had time to object as Emmeline latched onto his belt and pulled him back on top of her, undoing his buckle and trousers. "Don't think, just do."
"...Beg your pardo-ghuahh!" Her hand had snaked down his pants, turning the end of the word "pardon" into a gasp.
"Nevermind," she laughed, lifting her head to meet his gasp with a hungry kiss.
…
The waning moon peering through the window was their only source of light in the room.
After regaining his breath, Remus looked down at her, nestled up against his chest, astonished that she was there. With him. He felt like he'd just listened to his favorite song again after not hearing it for ages. He'd never sought out a new one to enjoy in the meantime. He only ever wanted to hear this one.
He reached up to push the wild hair out of her face, then planted an exquisitely gentle kiss above her brow bone. "I've missed this," he whispered against her forehead.
She inclined her face to him and began tracing the line of his jaw. "I've missed you." Her hand traveled up to his glistening forehead. "You're warm. You okay?"
"That's the second stupidest thing you've asked me today." Body aches and fever be damned. No measure of eloquence could describe just how blissful he felt. There weren't enough words available to him in English or Welsh.
"Touché."
Remus leaned his head back against the pillows, considering how imprudent it would be to ask...
"...Emmeline, I have…an abominable question-"
"He paled in comparison."
"-Thank Merlin."
"God, no, it was like trading a Nimbus out for a mop. Not even remotely a competition-"
"I'm sorry to ask, but I don't think I could've lived with the shame-"
"-for so many reasons, but namely-"
"-of being worse in bed than Tiberius McLaggen."
"-Remus, I never finished."
He tilted his head back up. "...No."
"Yes."
"Ever?"
"I didn't even fake it, he just never took the time."
"...Wanker."
"...He is a wanker, isn't he?"
"I'll never know what possessed you."
"Me neither."
"I mean, I'll never know what possessed you to crawl into bed with a werewolf either."
"At least the werewolf makes sure I finish."
"It's important to me…Did you call me a Nimbus?" He laughed and tipped her chin up to kiss her again.
But Remus's satisfaction was soon overshadowed by one, bothersome thought: something he hadn't really had the chance to say, but couldn't put off any longer. And he suspected it would likely spoil the evening.
"Emmeline?"
"Hmm?"
"...I'm so sorry for what happened to you while you were away…" He still wasn't sure how to say it. In a strange way, he felt culpable for all of her suffering, as he had been a part of creating that glimpse of life with her…but verbalizing this was difficult. The idea of having children had always frightened him for several reasons, and they'd never talked about it before.
Though she was still looking up at him, Emmeline did not respond at first, and Remus's suspicion that he'd chosen an inopportune time to bring it up was confirmed. James often told him that his brain had a knack for getting in the way. He was preparing to change the subject when she finally did reply:
"You're not the one who should be apologizing." She sat up to face him and hugged her knees to her chest. "It was something that involved the both of us, and I took away your say in the matter when I left, which was wrong."
"I'm still not sure why you didn't tell me," he confessed sadly, reaching out to brush his fingers along the fresh scars on her ribcage. He was having to ignore the voice in his head which told him: "Look what you've done to her. It's because you're a monster."
Emmeline didn't even think she had figured out why, but she tried to articulate her best guess. "I think...perhaps...I believed I was making the best choice for my-…for our-…" She swallowed hard. "And I thought that if I told you, you would have come away with me."
Remus couldn't conjure a satisfactory response. He would've liked to have said of course; of course he would have been the faithful, heroic partner and whisked her and the unborn child away. But Remus was not very heroic in his own mind, and truthfully, he didn't want to know what he would've done in that situation.
"And your place was here," Emmeline continued. "With the Order. With your friends. Fighting by their side."
"So was yours."
Emmeline shook her head, recalling something Alastor Moody had said to them. "To be an effective soldier, you have to be willing to lay down your life for the people you're fighting alongside without hesitation. Maybe this isn't the case for everyone, but I know my ability to do that vanished as soon as I found out…" She looked down at herself. "After the miscarriage, I suppose I felt so guilty for whatever went wrong and for what I'd done that I didn't think I could return to the life I had before. I figured I'd just start again somewhere else, which is undeniably selfish, I know."
Miscarriage. The word for it sounded too cold; too clinical. Remus didn't think that word seemed to capture how harrowing it must have been to actually experience it.
"I don't think you were selfish, I think you were traumatized."
"You don't have to-...I don't say any of this to excuse my actions."
"I know," Remus assured her, propping himself up. "Just...go on. I want to hear."
She'd underestimated how good it would feel to release all of this, and she was grateful to Remus for allowing her to do so without punishment. "Then with Tiberius...well, I wasn't in a good place when we ran into each other, and he treated me like I was important. I think it just felt good to be important to somebody again, but I wasn't important to him for the right reasons. I didn't see it earlier, but over the last few days, it sort of clicked."
Good Lord, had it only been a few days since they saw each other in that church?
"The way he spoke to you was appalling. The Emmeline I know would never have let someone treat her that way unless she was truly miserable."
"I know, you're right. I think I must have convinced myself that it was what I deserved after everything…" she concluded, lowering her gaze.
"It makes me sick that you could value yourself so little…"
She reached out to take his hands. "It makes me sick that I led you to believe I couldn't stand your condition. I can't imagine what it must've felt like to just find me gone and arrive at that conclusion. Remus, I truly thought-"
"-that I'd find someone else," he finished her sentence for her. "You said you figured I'd moved on."
"...Yes."
Remus studied her face for a long while. He had absolutely no idea what this woman saw in him, nor could he comprehend her notion that she was the expendable one between the two of them. He'd never really allowed himself to want much in life, because he was taught early on that he probably wouldn't get much from it.
But he wanted her. Wasn't it so agonizingly obvious?
He'd always wanted her, and he'd always been terrified by just how much. When she left, Remus figured Emmeline was just another line on a long list of things he wasn't allowed to have. But she was back now, with him, in his bed, even though he'd scarred her skin, and he wanted her and no one else. How could she not have known? How could she have doubted for a moment?
Then, lifting her hands and kissing them ardently, he said: "...And that was perhaps the biggest mistake you made. Because you're not replaceable, Emmeline. Not to me."
The lump that had been in her throat earlier came back twofold as Emmeline leaned in to kiss him. She'd forgotten what it felt like to be cherished.
As they settled back into their previous posture, she began to trace her fingers over all the scars. Perhaps it would all be too much if she came right out and said she loved him.
She didn't know it, but Remus was thinking the same thing, and decided they'd had enough overwhelming conversations for the day, possibly the year. No, he'd save the L word for another time.
"Remus?"
"Yes?"
"...Do you think you could find it in your heart to forgive me?"
He resisted the urge to point this out as the third stupidest question of the evening. So many silly questions from such a brilliant, brilliant woman.
"I forgive you," he said without hesitation, kissing the top of her head again. "I think I forgave you the moment I saw you."
They heard a tapping on the window - Orpheus wanted out of the rain. Emmeline climbed off of Remus and wrapped herself in a quilt that had fallen off the mattress to let the owl inside. He fluttered up to the top of the wardrobe.
"That used to be his favorite spot in our old place," Remus observed, smiling nostalgically.
Emmeline took a moment to freshen herself up then got back into bed, but sat across from him again in a very business-like manner (or, as business-like as one can seem while naked save for a quilt).
"What do you say we give this another go?" she proposed.
Remus puzzled at her. "...The...sex? Or-"
"This. Us. You and me." She hinted at a smile. "Vance and Lupin against the world."
Stifling the joy that bubbled up inside of him proved difficult, but Remus didn't want to scare her off. "Well, since you've already brought your things here, I suppose," he teased.
She laughed wearily, covering her face with her hands. "So, completely presumptuous. I don't know what I was thinking. I'll go to the McKinnons in the morning, until I figure something out."
But Remus, who'd already made up his mind, sat up and pulled her into his lap again. "Vance and Lupin against the world…" he repeated, savoring the words on his tongue. "...Don't figure something out."
"...What?"
"I know you said it's fast, and maybe it is...but would you like to stay here?" he offered. "With me?"
This was crazy. They must have been crazy. But it didn't feel all that crazy.
It finally felt like she was home.
"...Could I?"