****This chapter is my love letter to Remus Lupin thank you for your time.

From the playlist:

Bigger Than The Whole Sky - Taylor Swift

Fire Escape - Imaginary Future

Ch. 21 - The Not-So-Stupid Question

As soon as Remus's head hit his pillow, he knew he wasn't going to be getting any sleep. Insomnia was a constant companion since his circadian rhythm was in a permanent state of chaos. No, there was far too much on his mind: James and Lily, Emmeline…

She'd gone up to bed as soon as they'd arrived home and seemed to be asleep, so he figured they would talk about it tomorrow after her shift.

But his midnight musings came to a halt when he heard her sniffle beside him. He leaned up so that he could see her face. Even in the darkness, it was clear that her pillow was soaked with tears.

He turned on his side and molded his body around hers.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, wiping her face with an already damp sleeve. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Remus drew her close and planted a comforting kiss on her shoulder. "I haven't been able to sleep." He rested his hand on the soft part of her lower abdomen. "What can I do?" he whispered.

She clasped his hand tightly. "Just this."

There were very few days that Emmeline went without thinking of the miscarriage. She was overjoyed for James and Lily, but their surprise announcement exhumed some memories that she strived to keep dormant: memories of twinges in her belly, blood spilt on bed sheets, and feeling as though she would choke on the tears. The painful images played on a loop behind her eyes and kept sleep at bay.

"Lily's so strong," she murmured.

"I've never seen James so scared."

"Lily's scared too, but she's strong. She's going to handle this beautifully...I just turned and ran."

"...You thought you were making the right choice."

"But I wasn't. I didn't. I've never known that more than today."

Remus continued to hold her, gently lifting her nightshirt so that his hand was touching the bare skin of her stomach. That way, the fabric wouldn't soak up any of the love he was trying to impart. The heat of his palm and the weight of his arm were a source of succor, and Emmeline's tears gradually dried.

There was one question that had been festering in Remus's mind for many days. He'd never heard of any werewolves fathering a child, and there was some speculation as to whether or not lycanthropy could be passed on congenitally. "...Do you think the bleeding had something to do with-...Did it happen to you because of my condition?"

Emmeline shifted around to face him. "...I don't know," she answered honestly.

She watched sorely as his face twisted with self loathing, and he let her go. Emmeline reached up to touch his cheek, but he shrunk away from her hand and sat up.

"Suppose it was because of the condition. What if, someday, we slip up, the pregnancy doesn't hold, and I put you through that ordeal all over again?"

"Remus, you didn't 'put me through' anything."

"Or worse, what if it does, and I pass the disease on?"

"Later down the line, if we decide to have children, we'll figure that all out together."

But he turned his back to her and hung his legs off the bed.

"…Do you want children someday?"

"…I haven't quite figured that out yet. After what happened, I think I have a lot more reservations…"

Remus fell silent.

"...We don't need to talk about it now-"

"We do, because, if that's something you want, that will be a problem…"

"…Do you not?"

"No," he said, without having to think about it at all.

"…Oh."

"People in my situation shouldn't be having children."

"We don't know if-"

"The not-knowing is enough of a reason not to."

"…Well if you ever change your mind-"

"I'm never going to change my mind, Emmeline. It's a non-negotiable. I don't want you to hope that I will, because I'll only disappoint you."

She thought for a moment, and he felt her hand move to his back. "…Okay…Okay, no kids. That's fine with me."

But Remus was less optimistic about that kind of sacrifice than she was. "…Someday, it might not be."

"...What?"

"Someday, you might decide that's not what you want-"

"I want you."

"It'll reach a point where I'm not enough for you, and you'll want more, and I won't be able to give it to you-"

"I think we're getting ahead of ourselves."

"You'll resent me, and all I'll have done is wasted your time-"

"Don't say that."

"-and Emmeline, if you hadn't-..."

He stopped himself.

Even though she got up and sat beside him, he couldn't bring himself to look at her; not after what he'd almost let past his lips. "...I'm sorry, I'm so-...It wasn't remotely fair to bring this up after you've just been crying..."

"...Tell me what were you going to say."

He couldn't.

"…What would you have done if I'd had a baby?"

"…I don't know," he lied.

She was too frightened of what he might say to ask any further.

Remus's mind had gone elsewhere; back to the day he nearly killed her. He began to rethink the last few weeks, and the wedding, and tonight. He'd been so selfish…

"...Emmeline, I think…I think you should consider what you want your future to look like…and then consider how different the one you might have with me would look in comparison, and weigh whether or not it suits you. Really, this shouldn't suit you, and there might be someone else out there-"

"Remus, I don't want someone else..."

Emmeline was now beginning to understand the full extent of just how badly Remus's psyche had suffered when she left and didn't tell him why. What she'd said previously was true: she thought that, after a while, he would find someone new that loved him as much as she did. It was so easy for her, so surely it would be just as easy for someone else. She should have known that Remus would blame himself, not her, for her departure. He blamed himself for everything. Subsequently, he acted as though any suffering that came his way was the price he had to pay to atone for a sin which he had no control over. That's when it dawned on her:

Emmeline thought she was replaceable.

Remus thought he deserved to be abandoned.

She felt regret crash into her like a tidal wave. She needed him to know, she needed to say something…

But Remus stood. "I need a cigarette."

Emmeline lifted herself up and tugged his arm before he could walk away. "What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not going to leave again?" He met her eyes but did not answer, so she rephrased her question: "How can I make you understand that you're allowed to be loved?"

Remus's eyebrows angled inward.

When Emmeline looked at him, she could still see traces of that lonely, friendless, eleven-year-old boy, bewildered that someone could care for him, and almost wishing they wouldn't. She abruptly stood and forced herself into his arms, holding him tightly.

"I know what you must think after what I did; but I have considered it, long before tonight. When I picture what I want, I only see you. A life with you, and everything that entails, children or not. You're allowed to have someone feel that way about you, and to want someone to feel that way about you, and there doesn't have to be a single catch. You're not damning me, and you're not depriving me of anything, because I don't want anyone or anything else."

Remus searched for words to hide behind, but found none.

She left him speechless.

There weren't any words.

Her declaration brought so much more gravity to this than there had been before. This was more than school sweethearts; more than attraction, more than sex, more than sharing a bed, and maybe even more than what Remus thought love meant. In a strange way, this was far more frightening.

They were growing up, and this was real life, and she…

She had to be lying.

No, she wouldn't…

She just wasn't thinking clearly.

She didn't understand the implications…

…because, if she did…

Why would she-…Why would anyone…

He searched for the logic of it, for the reasoning.

But there was none.

He couldn't put it into words.

He couldn't comprehend it.

All he could do was try to find the courage, and give his arms permission to hold her.

And it felt terrifying, but he did it. He squeezed her back and held on for dear life.

After what seemed like hours, Emmeline pulled away just enough to raise her face up to his.

"I don't know what to say," he whispered.

"You don't have to say anything at all…Wait here a second." She walked past him and descended the stairs, then returned a few moments later with a partially-eaten bar of chocolate. Leading him back to bed, she took a square for herself before handing him the bar. "I'm a firm believer in the power of chocolate. Eat this. It'll help."