From the playlist:
The Fold - Wickerbird (cont.)
As Long As I Have You I'm Home - Imaginary Future
Bloody Well Right - Supertramp
Rebel Renegade - Tommee Profitt
Goodbye - Ramsey
Chapter 34 - Such Sweet Sorrow
March 10th
"Make sure you don't forget your coat."
"I won't forget."
"...I should have picked up some food for you to pack."
"I'll be fine without it."
"...You're sure you'll be back in time to take your first dose of Wolfsbane?"
"Should be; but even so, I can't bring it."
He felt Emmeline at his back.
Remus turned around and embraced her tightly.
Over the course of the last month, he'd been meeting with Dumbledore at the Hog's Head for briefings on the various werewolf packs around Britain, as well as a few in Eastern Europe. Tonight, he'd make the trek to one of the clans in the west lowlands of Scotland. Dumbledore had assured him - and Remus had assured Emmeline - that this group was supposedly nonviolent and relatively communal. An ideal introduction to his new set of duties.
"It's your birthday," she whined against his neck.
Twenty was a strange age to be. At times Remus felt much older than that, and yet simultaneously, he felt oddly unqualified to have arrived there.
He rubbed her back. "I know."
"Can't he just send you tomorrow?"
"I didn't have the heart to tell him."
"I would've told him."
"I know you would've."
"And I would've told him other things, too."
"I know you would've."
Emmeline leaned up to face him now, huffing a sigh.
"It's only a fortnight," he reminded her.
"It's still too long."
"We can celebrate when I get back," he assured her unenthusiastically. He'd never been fond of his birthdays anyway.
She inhaled as if she were going to speak again, but didn't.
"...What is it?" Remus asked.
Emmeline chewed the inside of her cheek. "I want you to know, I attempted to make you a birthday present."
"...I figured my birthday present was that marvelous thing you did with your hands this morning-"
"Remus John Lupin."
"You were saying?"
She sighed again, this time through a pained smile. "I attempted to make you a present, but I'm incredibly embarrassed by how it turned out, so I'm sorry that I'm empty handed today. There will be a nice new one for you once you're back."
Remus grinned. "I don't want a new one. I want the embarrassing one."
"It's pitiful. You'll take one look at it and think I don't love you."
"That's rubbish, come on. Go and get it."
Emmeline shuffled her feet reluctantly, so Remus changed tactics.
"If I die in the wilderness, you'll regret that you didn't show me-"
"Arsehole." She pushed herself up out of his arms.
He chuckled, watching as she trudged to the closet.
"That's not funny." She began rummaging through into the back corner, then let out a groan. "Brilliant. I've shoved it down here to hide it, and now it looks worse."
"I am brimming with anticipation," he buzzed, stifling laughter.
With another groan she straightened up, turned around, and shoved a wad of wool into his hands with her eyes closed.
Remus took care to unwind the…thing. When he did, he was left with a large, lumpy green scarf. One end was wider than the other, and it appeared as though she'd switched types of yarn midway through.
"I thought I'd try my hand at crochet, but never again."
"Oh, Emmeline, it's-"
"Don't even say it. I kept losing track of the stitches."
"No, it's sweet," he assured her, wrapping it around himself. He caught a whiff of jasmine and brought it up to his nose. "It smells like you."
"I dabbed a bit of perfume on it, and that was the only good idea I had when it came to that thing."
"I love it. Come here."
Emmeline tipped her head forward into his embrace again, moping.
"Best birthday present ever."
"Now you're just being mean."
"I'm not! The fact that you spent time on it makes it charming-"
"What if Greyback is there…?" she asked, suddenly, like she'd been wondering all morning.
With the mention of his name, any and all sweetness was sucked from the room.
Remus's smile faded. "...He won't be there."
"You can't know that. You said he had allies in the clans."
"He could've killed me last time, but he didn't-"
"That doesn't mean he won't."
"...If I see him, I'll leave. I'll come home to you straight away," he assured her.
"Promise?"
"Promise."
He rubbed her back again, and changed the subject. "Your patrol is tonight, isn't it?"
"Mhm," she grumbled.
"With Prongs and Pad?"
"Mhm," she grumbled.
"Keep them out of trouble."
Her expression looked agonized.
"...Well try your best, at least."
"They're insufferable on patrols. Sirius gets bored and can't sit still, then James feeds into it and before you know it, they're treating it like it's a game."
"It's how they deal with it."
"If I die, and the last thing I ever hear is a filthy joke from the mouth of Sirius Black, I'm going to come back as a ghost and haunt him."
"You're not going to die, and that isn't funny."
"It's a bit funny."
Remus turned his wrist up to look at his watch. "...I should get going..."
She clutched him tighter. "...Okay…"
Prying himself away, he put on his coat and grabbed his rucksack off the bed. When he looked back at Emmeline, the beginnings of tears were glistening in her eyes.
"...Be safe," she pleaded.
"...You too." He could see on her face that another thought entered her mind.
"...Do you think, someday, we'll just be able to go out for dinner and a movie like normal people?"
A laugh bubbled up out of him. "Someday."
She smiled a little. He was going to miss that smile, even if it was just two weeks.
"...I love you," he murmured solemnly.
Her grin grew wider. "...Love?"
Remus furrowed his brow.
"…Anything else?"
Flirting at a time like this? Vixen.
"...I'm…infatuated with you."
She pressed her lips together disapprovingly.
"Besotted."
"Getting warmer."
"How about captivated?"
"Oo, I like that one."
"...I am," he insisted softly, drinking her in with his eyes.
She held her hand out to him. "...Kiss me before you go."
How could he not? He strode up to her and let himself savor the feeling of her lips so he could take it with him and ration it for the next two weeks.
When they parted, she adjusted the stupid scarf. "I love you, too."
"I'll see you in two weeks," he assured her, stepping back.
"See you."
Watching him disapparate was like being uprooted again.
…
The Order kept track of areas where Death Eater activity seemed to be concentrated and assigned routine patrols in those vicinities, usually at night. Volunteers and locations rotated from week to week, but this week, a new patrol location was added to the docket.
The goblins had not been spared from Voldemort's reign of terror much more than the wizarding world had, and Dumbledore had recently caught wind that many goblins were going missing. Why, nobody knew. It wouldn't have been the first time Voldemort inserted himself in the communities of magical creatures to use them for his gain.
As master crafters, goblins often lived in cave systems where ore could be found. There happened to be a large one with a sizable population of goblins near the Forest of Dean.
Tonight, this is where James, Sirius, and Emmeline found themselves.
Dumbledore made it clear that they shouldn't encroach on the goblins unless absolutely necessary, so they walked the perimeter about a quarter mile off from the caves. By the time three in the morning rolled around, Sirius decided he was over it.
"...Death Eaters are such prats," he carped from the rear.
Leading their line, James rotated back to Emmeline, grinning. "This should be good." He faced forward again, but addressed Sirius behind him. "And what, praytell, brought you to such a conclusion?"
"They ought to congregate in places that are less frigid. They're prats."
"They are prats," James agreed.
"I'm going to get home to Marley, and she'll go to unzip my jeans, and I'll be the size of a peanut."
Emmeline whipped around to him. "Sirius, shut- Merlin- shut up." If this was to be her night, now she sort of wished someone would come turn her into a ghost. "You're the one who signed up for the patrol in the middle of the forest," she said over her shoulder, catching back up to James.
He looked far too satisfied with himself. "Only 'cause Prongs did."
"You're being a baby," James chastised him.
Even in her annoyance, Emmeline started to feel crestfallen. Remus might be somewhere similar right now, and he might be cold, too. Now, she was glad of the stupid lumpy scarf.
"He'll be okay," she had to keep telling herself. "He's smart. He'll be careful."
"You guys do anything for Moony's birthday, or are we holding off till the weekend?" James wondered. "Lil and I were waiting on an invitation."
"I'll bet Emmie just wanted him all to herself," Sirius wagered.
"No, he er…he left town today. Trip for Dumbledore."
"Trip for Dumbledore?" James repeated. "On his birthday?"
"Yeah, remember they had that meeting? It's nothing to worry about, but he can't say much," she downplayed it.
"How long's he gone for?" asked James.
"Two weeks."
"Blimey, that's a long holiday," Sirius remarked.
"Don't remind me."
"Well, we'll just have to throw him a banger when he's back," James proposed.
Emmeline nodded despondently. "Yeah…"
"You know what they say. Distance makes the heart grow fonder," Sirius encouraged her…and then promptly ruined it. "And when he comes home, you can lock him up for another week of sexcapades to make up for it-"
"Sirius, one more word, and I will make the peanut permanent-"
Suddenly, James halted, holding up his hand and listening. Sirius grabbed Emmeline's arm, and they put an end to their bickering.
They heard a snap in the branches up ahead.
"…Could be an animal," Sirius conjectured.
James was already taking his Invisibility cloak out of his rucksack. "Could be…"
Then they heard voices.
Emmeline spun around and spotted a large fallen tree a few yards away. "Over there."
They all scurried over it, pulled the cloak over themselves, and began to whisper:
"Sirius, you're on my foot."
"Casualties of close quarters, Vance."
"Shh."
"Anyone see how many?"
"I didn't stick around long enough to find out."
"It could just be campers."
"Or goblins."
"Didn't sound like gobbledegook."
"In the event that it's not campers, or goblins, or an animal, what's our plan?"
"Same as always: listen if they blabber about anything important, fight only if we have to."
"…Depends who it is."
"Typical-"
"Padfoot, relax-"
"Prongs, you're telling me if Snivellus comes frolicking through those trees, you wouldn't take the chance…?"
"…James, I swear to Merlin-"
"Okay yeah, depends who it is."
"Oh my God, I'm about to spend my last night on earth with you two."
"Lucky girl."
"Shh, they're coming this way."
The crunching of frosted leaves grew progressively closer.
"Just admit you got us lost," a nasally voice groused.
"You're the one who said 'Goyle told you exactly where to go'," a gruffer speaker responded.
"Until you went and got us lost."
"Shut up. We're not there yet."
"...Why's he sending us out here to round up goblins anyway?"
"Just because the Dark Lord doesn't tell you all his plans doesn't mean he doesn't have them."
"Okay, that first pinched-sounding one was definitely Rosier," James whispered. "I'm sure of it."
"I recognize the other one, too," Emmeline agreed.
"That'll be Mulciber or Avery," Sirius guessed.
Their voices were drawing nearer.
"Wouldn't you rather be focusing on muggles or blood traitors instead of measley goblins?" asked Rosier.
"We'll have plenty of time for that."
"Avery," Sirius mouthed to James as he turned his wand in his fingers.
"…I'd like to take Alastor Moody's fake leg and mount it on my wall. I'd rather be trying for that instead of goblins."
"You're a moron."
"And you're shit with directions."
The trio jumped a little when they felt someone lean on the trunk behind them. They heard paper crinkling.
"Moody's a tough motherfucker, you'd be dead in a matter of seconds," Avery theorized.
"Fine. I'd settle for Meadowes. I'll do to her what the Carrows did to Fenwick."
Sirius leaned his head back against the log, clenching his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut.
"By all means, be my guest - after we bring him what he wants."
"What about you? If you had your pick of them," Rosier inquired.
"Who? The blood traitors?"
"No, the goblins. Of course I'm talking about blood traitors. Who'd you like to see stuffed and mounted on a wall?"
"…I think I'd like to crack Sirius Black's head open like an egg and take a peek at what sort of degenerate rot lives in there," Avery proposed.
With his eyes still closed, Sirius couldn't help but smirk spitefully, unabashed in his love of attention. Prats.
"Besides," Avery continued. "Whoever gets to him first gets the bragging rights for nipping the 'Noble and Most Ancient House of Black' in the bud for good."
When he heard that, Sirius opened his eyes and sat back up.
"There. See? We are going the right way." The paper was folded up, and with the crunching of the brush, the voices started drifting further away.
"He still needs Sirius, I thought," Rosier speculated.
"He doesn't need him, he just needs a Gryffindor, or some lousy goblins. I think he just wanted to give Sirius a chance out of respect for the bloodline."
"I guess he's not getting that chance now anyway."
The leaves stopped crunching, but the voices remained a few paces away.
"Exactly. We get him, and that's the last of the heirs."
Sirius's head swiveled to James, his eyes widening.
Rosier clicked his tongue. "Centuries of history, gone to waste. I almost feel sorry."
"Don't. If the way their brutes turned out is any indication of Orion or Walburga's ability to instill the proper things, it serves them right. They're a disgrace. Reg had his chance. I say, let the Black family tree shrivel and die with Sirius."
Emmeline had just caught on, and now turned to Sirius with pain for him in her face. He looked ready to erupt.
With an agonized expression, James tried to mitigate Sirius's reaction. "No," he mouthed, shaking his head.
But not even James could've kept him from what he was about to do.
Without much more thought, Sirius shot out from under the cloak and lobbed a curse. In his haste, he missed both Avery and Rosier, and had to duck back behind the trunk as spells came flying back at him.
"You just gave away our position!" Emmeline hissed.
Sirius couldn't respond, he was too far gone in a violent rage.
James cursed and shoved the cloak away. "We need to report back-"
"No," Sirius snarled, his eyes murky. "I'm not leaving until one of them is dead-"
"GUYS-!" Emmeline managed to get a shield charm up just as Rosier came around the other side of them.
James threw defensive spells his way until- "Pad, no-!"
He felt Sirius hurdle over the trunk behind them, and wasn't quick enough to grab him.
"Godric damn it!" James swore.
Emmeline's shield charms were getting battered. "He's not thinking straight, he's going to get himself killed-!"
"Will you hold off Rosier?"
"Go, I got it!"
They both stood. Emmeline charged Rosier while James started after Sirius. By the time he vaulted over the tree trunk, Sirius had already been disarmed. He watched as Avery hit Sirius in the face with some curse, and before James knew it, Avery had him in a headlock with his wand jabbed to his throat.
"Wishes do come true!" Avery cackled.
Disoriented, and progressively bleeding from his nose, Sirius sputtered and shouted.
James couldn't fire at Avery without hitting Sirius-
"Let him go!" Emmeline yelled from behind. She'd managed to lock Rosier in a similar grip.
James was now in the center of a standoff.
Avery looked down at Sirius, weighing his options. "I'll bet you heard every word I said-"
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
James turned.
"Get off me, you mudblood whore-!"
"I'll do to him what I did to Wilkes!" Emmeline threatened, though her voice shook.
James's head was spinning, scrambling for a solution where Sirius wouldn't end the night as a corpse. He kept his wand pointed towards Avery. "…Let's make a trade and we can all go home, yeah? Our man for yours. What do you say?"
"I say you're in no position to be making demands, Potter," Avery taunted him, tightening his grip on Sirius.
"In case you haven't noticed, you're outnumbered."
"I mean it, Avery!" Emmeline called.
"…Do it, then," he challenged her.
Even in the chokehold, Rosier's eyes narrowed. "Tristan, what the fuck-!"
"DO IT, EMMELINE!" Sirius screeched.
"Padfoot, keep your mouth shut-!"
"DO IT!"
But Emmeline stood there, frozen.
Avery began to chuckle. "You're spineless. You're all-"
All of the sudden, James disapparated...
and Avery started laughing harder,
until he heard the crack behind him.
Too many things happened at once: Avery shoved Sirius off to block the curses coming from James at his back. Emmeline yelped as Rosier took hold of her arm and launched her over his back onto the ground. Still without his wand, Sirius started throwing punches, and one landed, clipping Avery on the side of the head. He turned his wand on him, but James was faster, and he had to resort to shield charms. Rosier snatched his own wand and disapparated before Emmeline could sit up to jinx him. Seeing that he'd been left alone, Avery retreated too, but not without a concerted effort by Sirius to hitch a ride into his disapparition.
When he was unsuccessful, Sirius kicked a nearby tree and brought his hands behind his head, trying to walk it off.
James ran to him, grabbing his shoulder. "Mate-"
"I'm fine, get off," he barked.
So James dashed to check on Emmeline. "What happened?"
"I don't know, I can't really move my arm," she mewled.
"Okay, time to go," he decided, hoisting her up by her good hand and taking hold of her. "Padfoot."
Sirius continued to pace.
"...Padfoot!"
His head snapped up to James.
"They're gone. Let's go."
…
They touched down in the Potters' front room.
"Lily?" James called up to the first floor, walking Emmeline to the dining room table.
Clad in pajamas and clutching her little bump, she came flying down the stairs moments later. She flicked on some lights, but stopped in her tracks when she got a good look at Sirius.
His feet hadn't left the spot he landed in.
Turning to James, Lily raised her wand. "When's our due date?"
"July twenty-fourth," he answered, carefully shucking Emmeline's coat off for her. "Can you get some ice?"
She glanced back at Sirius, but obliged him and headed for the kitchen. "You okay, Emmie?"
"I'll be fine," she assured her, wincing.
James followed Lily into the kitchen and pulled her aside, whispering: "Reg's dead. He overheard Rosier and Avery talking about it."
Lily covered her mouth and looked back towards the front room. "How is he?"
"Not good."
"What do we do?"
"I don't know," James admitted, running his hand through his hair anxiously. "This is a completely different story than when his dad went…"
Lily swiftly prepared a bundle of ice and handed it to him, then made her way back to Sirius.
He hadn't moved at all.
When Lily gently reached for his hand, he flinched and recoiled, gasping.
She pressed her fingernails into her palms to abate tears. "Please let me clean you up…"
"What?"
"You're bleeding on the carpet…"
He looked down at himself, realizing. Then, nodding stoically, he passed her to sit at the dining room table across from Emmeline and James.
Lily positioned herself in front of him, drawing her wand. "...Should we send for Marley-?"
"No," he snapped, not meeting her eyes.
Hesitantly, Lily raised her wand to his nose. "Episkey."
Sirius's face scrunched as the fracture realigned and healed.
Meanwhile, James passed the ice off to Emmeline's good hand and pressed it against her shoulder once more. Interlacing his fingers with hers, he placed his other hand on her elbow. "Pomfrey used to do this with magic, but I never learned the spell, so I'm sorry in advance." He then rotated her arm around, pulling it a little until it eventually relocated back into place with a clunk.
"Ffffffff-!" Emmeline bit down hard on her lip to keep from swearing, lowering her forehead onto the table. "Thank you," she squeaked.
"...I think you two should just spend the night," she offered. using a scouring charm to clean the blood off Sirius. "Emmie can take the pullout in the nursery. I'll get you some blankets for the sofa-"
"I know where they are," Sirius said brusquely, standing and exiting the dining room, headed for the stairs.
Both Emmeline and Lily turned to James as he watched him walk away.
After a moment, he followed after Sirius. "...Stay here."
The girls looked at each other.
"How did it happen?" Lily asked quietly.
Emmeline shook her head. "We didn't hear them say…"
"...I'm going to put the kettle on and make a few sandwiches."
"Lily, you don't have to do that-"
"I know I don't, I want to. I need to keep my hands busy," she insisted, leaving Emmeline at the dining room table.
Emmeline leaned back in her chair, still holding the ice to her shoulder and sighing. She supposed she was grateful that she wouldn't have to go home to the empty house after all that, but…
She heard Sirius raising his voice. Checking over shoulder to make sure Lily's back was turned, Emmeline stood and snuck up the stairs.
"I tried to tell him, but he didn't listen. He never listened, because he was so hellbent on pleasing Orion."
"It isn't your fault-"
"I know it isn't my fault. I also know that Reg has always been an insufferable little shit. He probably pissed off Voldemort, or he tried to back out and they made an example of him-"
"We'll figure out what happened."
"It doesn't matter what happened. I don't care. What I'm saying is, whatever happened, he had it coming, because he never listened."
"...Sirius, I am…so sorry…"
"...I'm not. Serves him right."
"...Mate, I know it was complicated between you two, but it's okay to be upset-"
"There's nothing to be upset about. He chose his side. He dug his own grave."
"Sirius, he was your brother-"
"No, you're my brother. And if I had to choose between the two of you, I'm glad it was him."
"...You don't have to do this."
"...I'm not doing anything-"
"No, you are. You're acting like a dick so you don't have to feel it."
There was a dolorous silence.
"...Fuck you, James. Just leave me alone."
Emmeline covered her mouth to stop herself from gasping on the other side of the bedroom door. She'd never heard Sirius say something like that to James-
"No."
Another silence.
"...Go on Padfoot, let it out."
"What?"
"Let it out."
"...Shut up."
"I can take it."
"Fuck off."
"C'mon, keep it coming-"
"I said fuck off."
"Is that the best you've got-?"
She heard a crash in the room, like some glass or porcelain might've broken, then some heavy breathing.
"...FUCK!" Sirius roared.
Lily came running up the stairs, but Emmeline held her hand out.
Then Sirius's voice came through again, much quieter. "...I'm…I'm sorry-"
"It's okay, mate."
The shards clinked back together, probably from a mending charm.
"...It's okay for you to feel it. Nobody's-…Nobody's going to hurt you, if you feel it," James reminded him, speaking softly. "You don't live with them anymore…"
"...Maybe if I'd…Maybe if I'd just taken him with me when I left-"
"It's not…your…fault."
Then the sniffles started up.
That night, for the first time in her life, Emmeline learned what it sounded like when Sirius Black cried.