***Canon Divergence Disclaimer: Apparently, according to the wiki, Sirius never met Andromeda's married family before going to Azkaban, but I think that's really stupid and makes no sense so I said ✨no✨
From the playlist:
Like I'm Gonna Lose You - Jasmine Thompson
Blood Brothers - Bruce Springsteen
Secrets and Lies - Ruelle
I Lost A Friend - FINNEAS
Ch 51 - The End of an Era
Upon his return from St. Jerome's, Remus snuck back into bed but remained wide awake. How could he possibly get any sleep after that?
He spent the remainder of his restless night pondering, and made the decision not to tell Emmeline about the meeting with James. It felt dishonest; but knowing her, James's news would distress her to the point of action, and she still was still being hunted. If she left to try and help, she would risk her own life, too. Remus didn't think he could bear the thought of that on top of what James had told him, especially since he was going to be away. The charm would protect the Potters from Voldemort, so it was best that Emmeline remained in the flat and didn't try to get involved. He'd just tell her when he was back. No need to scare her unnecessarily when there was nothing either of them could do for the time being.
Mainly, he didn't want to yoke her with the same burden of worry that now graced his already heavy laden shoulders. He was absolutely terrified for James and Lily, and wagered he wouldn't sleep for the next week. It still didn't make any sense though, this business with the baby. Why a baby? Why their baby? Remus was certain this question would eat away at him. They'd all faced the dangers of war for years now, but not one of them ever had to contend with a threat like this. Dorcas had learned the hard way that when Voldemort set his sights on you, there was no coming back from it.
But James and Lily would have the charm. The charm would keep them safe. It had to.
A couple hours after sunrise, Remus decided he should probably get up and get ready. He eyed the top shelf in the closet where he'd hidden the leather pouch behind a shoebox.
9:12am
After he'd eaten (or, rather, forced himself to eat through the anxiety), he sat on the edge of the bed lacing up his shoes while Emmeline watched from the doorway, a mug of tea keeping her hands warm.
"Are you feeling off today?" she asked, seemingly out of the blue.
What had given him away? Damn her mind reading…
Remus straightened up, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible. "Why do you ask?"
"I dunno, I just feel a bit wonky. Wasn't sure if it was something we ate. It feels like I've got a knot wound up in my stomach."
He recalled that exact feeling in his own gut not six hours earlier, and thought it odd that they should have this in common.
"As someone who feels 'off' quite often, I don't think I'm qualified to tell the difference anymore," he quipped casually, standing from the bed.
"You all set, then?"
"I think so, I've just got to check in with Albus before I head north. I've been around this clan twice before, so this will be very routine. With any luck, I'll be back before Christmas." He pulled his rucksack from the closet, cast a small extension charm on it, and began filling it with clothes. In truth, he had another errand to run before he saw Albus, but he couldn't exactly tell her about that either.
Remus stiffened a bit as Emmeline crossed to the closet, but relaxed when he realized she was only retrieving his coat for him. She set down her tea so that she could slip it onto his shoulders. "I'm going to miss you," she muttered, leaving her hands on his back.
Her touch felt pervasive, as though the information he kept from her was somehow in danger. Remus pulled the coat on snug but continued to pack, trying his best to avoid her often all-too-perceptive gaze. "You won't even notice my absence."
Emmeline scoffed, taking playful offense to this. "Of course I'll notice. I always miss you when you're gone." She leaned her forehead against the back of his coat, wrapping her arms around his waist.
The sweet gesture softened his anxiety a bit. Deeming it safe to do so, Remus turned and kissed the top of her forehead, mustering a smile. "Likewise." She wasn't exactly smiling back at him, and for a moment, he saw something that resembled dread flash across her face. "...Are you alright?"
"Yeah, yes, sorry. Like I said, I just feel weird...Just be safe. Please."
In his ruffled state he unintentionally brushed her off, and meant to get back to packing. "I'm going to be fine."
But she held onto him with a sort of desperation as he began to turn away, the dread now set in her eyes. All of the sudden, the voice that came out of her was barely audible. "Marlene probably thought she was going to be fine that day, then she wasn't."
With everything else plaguing his mind, Remus hadn't even considered what his leaving might mean for Emmeline after the events of the summer, and at the moment, his own well-being was the least of his concerns. He stepped back just far enough to take her face in his hands, putting more of an effort into his response: "Emmeline, this is what we do. We knew when we joined the Order that it might cost us our lives. Marlene knew it. It will always be a possibility. If I stayed here and prioritized my own safety over what's being asked of me, it wouldn't be right; and if you were in my place, I know you'd feel the same. I have to go."
"I wouldn't ask you not to again, but-…" She shook her head slightly, like she was trying to unscramble the words in her mouth. "I am asking you not to be reckless. I can't-" lose you too.
"I know," he interrupted. There was too much to unpack there now. "I'll be careful, I promise I will."
"He asks too much of you."
Remus's brow furrowed. "You mean Dumbledore?"
"You do it because he's been good to you and you want to help, but it's too much."
He supposed he hadn't really thought about it before, and nodded in the absence of anything he might have to say. Insinuating that he was worth keeping home safe implied a value on his life that Emmeline seemed more sure of than he did.
As Remus finished packing, Emmeline withdrew back to her spot in the doorway. She'd seen every bit of him, and yet as he got ready to leave, she found herself wishing that she'd looked closer. She stood there trying to memorize all of the creases in his palms and each vein in his temples, just in case. She knew not to take any moment with the ones she loved for granted.
When he'd finished he met her in the doorway, where Emmeline gently pulled the lapel of his coat towards herself and kissed him deeply. "Christmas, then?"
"Christmas," he echoed, tucking a lock of unruly hair behind her ear. He wished his mind was less preoccupied so he could enjoy his final minutes with her more.
"I'll be here waiting with mistletoe," she jested.
"I'm looking forward to it."
He stepped back to disapparate, but at the last second, Emmeline caught his arm and looked directly into his eyes, "I really do love you, Remus Lupin." She said it as though it might be the last thing she ever got a chance to say.
Remus smiled in his usual melancholy way, striding back up to her. "Love, you say?"
Emmeline cracked a smile, too. "Mhm. Adore, even."
"Lucky me."
"I'm smitten."
"Are you?"
"Completely bewitched."
They shared a small chuckle which felt much too lighthearted.
Then the smile left his eyes, and he took her face in his hands. "Emmeline, I..." There was so much he wanted to say, and yet his vocabulary seemed to dwindle. Remus didn't think there were enough words available to him in English or Welsh to articulate just how much she meant to him. No words would ever adequately capture it. "...I love you, too."
Kissing her once more, he stepped back and disapparated, leaving Emmeline to settle into a kind of loneliness she thought she'd grown accustomed to. She had not yet been made to grapple with just how lonely she could feel.
…
9:30 am
His concern for James and Lily and his guilt regarding Emmeline wasn't the only thing weighing on Remus's mind. All night long as he lay awake in bed thinking about the gravity of the situation, he reflected on what was most important to him. Among those things were: his role in the Order, his father (even though Remus did not visit as often as he should have), Emmeline, and most of all, his friends. Up until this summer, Sirius Black had been one of Remus's best friends.
Which led him to his errand:
Suppose his and Emmeline's "off" feeling was a sign of things to come, and something awful was on the horizon. The Potters would be safe now, but if anything happened to him or Sirius in the wake of this (which was not only possible, but highly likely), Remus would hate himself for not at least attempting to treat whatever cancer had infected their friendship over the past few months. Besides, they would be better able to support James as a united front. Life was just too short for prideful grudges, or perhaps the trip to church had inspired him to turn the other cheek.
He assumed that Sirius had sold or abandoned the flat in Bromley; how could he go back to live somewhere he'd see Marlene around every corner? He knew the man well enough to make a pretty good guess as to where he was staying these days, as Sirius only had a few people in his life that he trusted completely: one of them was James, and the other was his cousin Andromeda Tonks, a fellow renegade of the Black family. Andromeda had always acted like a big sister towards Sirius, and her family's house in Bristol was a place he escaped to frequently before he moved out of 12 Grimmauld Place for good. Once or twice, Remus had accompanied James and Peter to visit him there, so he knew where to find him.
Remus apparated to a narrow lane behind the house where James and Sirius used to come out to smoke, nearly knocking over Sirius's motorbike in the process. The bike clattering against the bins was more of a conspicuous welcome than he'd hoped for, but at least he knew that Sirius was definitely there. Once he'd set it back upright, Remus scooted past the bike and walked around to the front gate. Sirius must have heard the noise, because as Remus rounded the corner, he marched purposefully through the entryway and met him in the garden, his expression hostile and his wand drawn.
"That's far enough," he barked.
Remus dropped his rucksack by the garden wall then held up his hands to show that he meant no harm - but this did nothing to placate Sirius.
"Padfoot, relax-"
"Don't tell me to relax."
The length of fuse Remus had allotted himself for this encounter was already starting to shrink.
"Why are you here?" Sirius questioned.
"I want to make amends, alright? This thing that happened between us has been eating away at me." Then sentiment got the better of him. "I just want my friend back..."
He expected Sirius to at least consider his offer, but his hostility persisted. The animagus narrowed his eyes. "Why are you really here?"
In turn, Remus rolled his, but caught himself. Stay peaceful. Don't give him reason not to trust you. "I've just told you. I want us to-"
"You're lying," Sirius snarled through clenched teeth.
"I'm not lying." Remus was careful to keep his voice level. "Listen, I saw James last night. He told me about the plan-"
"He what?" Sirius had implored James not to tell Remus. He was certain of why he'd come now, and extended the arm holding his wand fully. "Stay away from James, and stay the hell away from his family!"
It was becoming clear to Remus that there was something more; something James hadn't divulged. His calm, collected demeanor began to slip from his grasp. "What's going on? What are you hiding?"
"Like I'm going to tell you. I wouldn't want anything getting back to the other side."
And suddenly, Remus's fuse had but an inch left.
"I'm not their spy!" he bellowed, bewildered and so hurt that he was having to defend himself to Sirius.
"The rest of your kind have joined up."
Your kind.
"That's right," Sirius continued. "All your little outings were timed around the full moons, you thought I wouldn't notice? I figured you were spending time with them. I'm not thick. And do you know what I think? I think they convinced you to join up, too. I think Voldemort's promises started sounding too good."
Remus flung his arms out to his sides. "Right- Okay, yes, Sirius, you've caught me." He tugged at the collar of his jumper. "Because you know I've always loved being a werewolf, so I must love spending time with them, and I must do it - not to help keep my friends and their children safer in their beds at night - but to advance the werewolf agenda. Are you hearing yourself? You're not clever, you're just a dick-"
"I'm the dick-?!"
"-Yes!"
Sirius adjusted his stance. "Truth be told, I'm a bit surprised Emmeline's obituary hasn't come up in the Prophet yet," Sirius continued.
Remus's eyes widened. "Excuse me?"
"But of course you weren't going to sacrifice your own girlfriend for the cause," he rumbled.
Boom. There went Remus's fuse.
"You son of a bitch," Remus growled, drawing his wand. This was not at all how he'd wanted this interaction to go, but it seemed there was no chance of redeeming it now.
The animagus and the werewolf remained in a standoff for several seconds, but no matter how furious they were; no matter how many months had passed since they'd laughed or embraced or even spoken, neither wanted to be the one to cast the first hex.
Sirius was the first to lower his wand, if only slightly. "If you know what's good for you, you'll leave the Potters alone, and you won't show your face here again. Next time, I'll let my wand do the talking." He started back towards the house.
But Remus was not finished with him; not after the things he'd insinuated. "How do I know it's not you!?"
Sirius stopped in his tracks and pivoted back around slowly. "What did you just say?"
"The rest of my kind have joined up? Between the two of us, you're the one with the blood ties, Black-!"
"I think it's time you left."
"You've been sleeping outside James's house! From where I'm standing, that's a pretty convenient way to keep your eye on things and still be able to explain away any disloyalty-"
"Shut your mouth-"
"-No, I get it! Everything's going to shit, so maybe that 'Black family patriarch' vacancy started appealing to you after all. Did you go running back to mummy-?"
"-I SAID SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!"
In that moment, the only thing Remus wanted to do was make Sirius hurt the same way he'd hurt him.
"Was Marlene's life the price for entrance back into the family?"
Boom. There went Sirius's fuse.
Remus deflected the first curse, but the second sprayed a clod of dirt up from the ground into his eyes and he fell backwards. He felt Sirius leap on top of him as a fist connected with his jaw. Casting his wand aside, he tried to wrestle Sirius off, but the dirt in his eyes affected his aim and he flailed blindly. When a second punch struck his eye, Remus swatted upward and suspected he had boxed Sirius's temple. Sirius was knocked sideways, giving Remus a moment to wipe his eyes. He opened them just in time to scoot up and kick Sirius in the gut and he was rising to pounce on him again. This time Sirius fell backward, and Remus saw an opportunity to retrieve his wand. He grabbed it and had it jabbed into Sirius's throat as he was still on the ground coughing.
"Do it then," Sirius sputtered, leaning into Remus's wand. "Go on, DO IT! I'LL GLADLY DIE before I tell you a damn thing!"
Remus huffed and puffed, gripping Sirius's collar in a rage; and suddenly, it dawned on him: Sirius was clearly convinced that Remus had come to get information - very specific information.
They'd picked Sirius as their Secret-Keeper.
While Remus was grappling with his revelation, the animagus had inched his fingers towards a jagged rock and swiftly clubbed the werewolf over the head with it. He fell on his hands and cried out as something wet and warm dribbled down his forehead.
Sirius staggered upright and seized his wand, pointing it right between Remus's eyes as he attempted to stand himself. He managed to get to his feet, but the dizziness overtook him and he tumbled backwards into the garden wall.
"It's you...isn't it?...They made you Secret-Keeper," Remus panted.
Sirius spat in his direction. "Get. Out."
He'd assumed James and Lily had chosen someone like Alastor or Albus. With all his absences over the past year, perhaps James didn't trust him anymore…
Clutching his head, Remus brought his eyes up to meet Sirius's. Finding no trace of love or sympathy in them, he snatched up his rucksack and staggered away from the house.
And thus ended the friendship of Moony and Padfoot.
Ted was waiting in the front room when Sirius jogged back in.
"You alright?"
"Fine," he said, rubbing his abdomen.
"Is he gone?"
"For now; but if he came for what I think he came for, he'll be back. With others." Despite the fight, Sirius was rather pleased with himself. He thought he made a convincing decoy, and his plan had worked perfectly. He was just sorry that it meant displacing Andromeda and Ted for a while.
"You still haven't told us what they're after you for."
"And it has to stay that way," he said as he passed. "Otherwise they'll come after you, too." Remus would guess that Sirius would never endanger the Tonks' (with the secret he didn't actually have). If they skipped town for a week or two, they'd be fine. "You've packed?" he barked over his shoulder.
"Yes."
"Good. Time to go." He rubbed his knuckles as he started up the stairs.
…He'd never hit Remus before.
Andromeda met him in the hall, her eight-year-old daughter on her hip. "Where will you go?"
"I'm afraid I can't tell you that either. You three need to go to Ted's mum's like we planned."
"Come with us," squeaked little Nymphadora.
Andromeda pressed her lips to her daughter's forehead. "He can't, sweetheart."
Sirius gave her an encouraging knuckle under the chin. "You've all been very sweet to me. I'll see you soon, alright?"
"Promise?"
Sirius hesitated.
"Promise."
…
9:48 am
People stared at Remus as he dizzily teetered down the road, blood dripping from his forehead and his eyes bloodshot from the dirt. If his brain hadn't felt like a thick fog had just settled over it, he might've been more aware of how he must've looked.
At last, he found what he'd been searching for: a telephone box on the corner of the road stood vacant, and he stuffed himself into it, leaning up against the side for support and drawing his wand. "Accio," he muttered, and a few coins popped back out of their deposit slot and into his palm. He fumbled to slip them back through the slot, then picked up the receiver and slowly dialed a number, hoping he'd gotten it right in his daze.
"Hello?"
"Emmeline."
"...Remus? Where are you?" Her voice seemed to blare across the receiver and made his ears ring.
He held his palm up to the eye Sirius had punched. "Could you do me a favor? I can't-...I can't disapparate right now. I need you to go check on Lily and James for me."
"...What do you mean you can't disapparate-?"
"Please, Emmeline."
"But Alastor-"
"I know what Alastor said," he snapped. "Look I'll...I'll stay on the phone, you don't have to speak to them, just...check on them through the window or something. Please."
"...Okay."
"Thank you."
Emmeline swallowed her questions and did as Remus asked, but chose to apparate to a part of the woods nearest the cottage. Having lived in Godric's Hollow, she knew what the muggle foot traffic was like at this time of day. She left swiftly and sprinted to James and Lily's house, her mind racing. If Remus couldn't apparate, it meant he was hurt. To make matters worse, he thought there might have been something wrong with the Potters. She could feel the knot in her stomach tightening.
But what frightened Emmeline the most was that the Potter's house was gone.
Not gone as in demolished; gone as in the plot of land the house once stood on had disappeared altogether. She thought she'd gone mad and retraced her steps: There was the neighbors' house on the right, which then led immediately to the neighbors' on the left. The property in the center belonging to James and Lily had completely vanished.
She made sure there was nobody around, then disapparated back to Exeter and dashed to the phone.
"Remus?"
"Here, I'm here."
"I don't know where they are."
"You mean they've left?"
"No, I mean the house, the lot; everything is gone."
They'd already cast the charm. He was too late.
"It's as if someone erased their cottage from the map," Emmeline continued. "They aren't there."
Remus's throbbing head began to spin.
"Remus, where are James and Lily?"
He had to concentrate very hard to come up with a believable lie to satisfy her. "They...I think they left town for a bit. Must've just missed them."
"How did you-...You sounded so-...Their house-"
"Probably just the concealment charms."
She wasn't buying it. "What's going on? I'll come get you, just tell me where-"
"No, no, don't leave the flat again." There wasn't time to explain this to her, not now. "I'm…I'm fine, everything is fine. I'm sorry, I shouldn't've-...Please don't leave the flat again. I've just- I've hit my head, but I'll be alright. Send a Patronus to Albus and ask him for a fireplace connected to the Floo network in Bristol - other than the Tonks'."
…
10:34 am
The upper room of the Hog's Head came more into focus as the wound on Remus's head began to rapidly heal.
"That should do it," said Dumbledore, stepping away to assess his work. "A simple charm, if you're in your right mind. An injury such as this would have made your journey far more strenuous if left untreated."
As soon as Remus could steadily get to his feet again, he stood and spoke with urgency. "Lily and James-"
"-will be quite safe, I assure you."
"-and Harry, why Harry?" No, probably no time for that explanation now, either; best to stick to what was most pertinent. "Dumbledore, Sirius is their Secret-Keeper. I think we have to warn-...Are you positive they're safe?"
"Do you doubt that they are?"
"I-...I don't know, but I've just seen him, I've seen Sirius-"
"So I gathered," said Albus, motioning to the newly-healed tissue on his head.
Remus was suddenly overtaken by a white-hot rage. He could not discern its origin, and its instantaneous appearance startled him so much that he had to take a step back and collect himself before proceeding. "I'm sorry Professor, but I won't leave unless you're absolutely sure they'll be alright."
Dumbledore looked him over for a moment, wearing a face Remus had seen many times before; a face which told him there was much more that went unspoken than ever made it past Albus' mouth. "The Potters put their faith in Sirius Black. They insisted that he be their Secret-Keeper. I'm inclined to trust their judgment, aren't you?"
Remus heaved a resentful sigh, trying to shed off the rest of his unexpected anger as Emmeline's words resurfaced in his mind: "He asks too much of you." Was Dumbledore merely trying to soothe him enough to send him off?
No...no, he wouldn't do that, he convinced himself. He had to remember that Dumbledore cared for the Potters, too. And truthfully, Remus didn't believe half the things he'd said to Sirius in Bristol anyway. He only wanted to hurt his feelings. Perhaps he was just panicked and sleep deprived. Perhaps Albus was right. Sirius might've had a problem with him, but he'd never do anything to hurt James and Lily.
...Right?