You know , I gotta say that I really like the changes I made to this chapter in particular .
But anyway , enough of my own flattery , let's get this chapter started !
"...At this point, not a trace of Princess Azula has yet to be found." Zuko reads, his eyes scanning the letter again and again . As if doing that would somehow change what is written .
It had already been a week, they had stayed three days at Hira'a to find Azula but had been forced to leave the place knowing that he still has a nation to lead. When he needed someone to help him find her mother, the first one that he had gone to was her sister and she immediately accepted his offer and through sheer determination, they had found their mother.
I found my mother, but I have lost my sister...
It lingered in Zuko's thoughts. He hasn't had a full night's sleep ever since Azula had fled into the Forgetful Valley. He couldn't . And how could he ?
The person he had grown up with, the person that he should have protected as an older brother is out there, lost and alone . The way Azula's face contorted in a mix of rage and sadness when they had found out that Noriko was their mother still haunted his thoughts , the tiniest bit of pride and self respect in her disappeared when she looked at Kiyi, thinking that she had been replaced as her daughter .
He wanted to hold her, telling her that she was loved , but he knows she wouldn't believe that even if he said it a thousand times .
She was paranoid, throughout their whole search, she didn't want to be touched and didn't even want to talk . She just wanted to be on her own.
The thought of it scares him, knowing full well that the doctor had said time and time again when he had visited the asylum that Azula had suicidal tendencies of refusing to eat and fits of violent rage that had grown more apparent and frequent .
And how could she not ? When they kept her tied down on the bed with a straight jacket twenty-four seven. He thought that he had been helping her, thinking that the asylum is a place that she would become better, but now that he thinks about it ... he thinks it only made it worse.
In hindsight , he probably should have put a bit more thought into it before he stuck Azula in that damn asylum ...
The Fire Nation had never been a place of healing and that applied to their asylums as well .
From what he could gather , the asylum was run no different from a prison . The inmates themselves received little to no real help , at least not the ones that were especially troublesome to deal with . Instead those troublesome patients would just be tied down like animals and be kept alive through whatever forceful means was convenient for the asylum .
He can't blame the doctors as much as he wanted to . He knew that he should have probably thought a LOT more before sticking Azula in some random asylum to be cared for by random nurses and doctors .
But all the hindsight in the world can't change what has been done .
Agni ... I put Azula in that hell ...
He should have just listened to Azula, whenever he visited her as rare as those visits were , she always yells at him to release her from the asylum that she was in, pleading that she wanted to go home and firebend once more, but he always disbelieved her.
Zula, this is for your own good, once you are better, you can return and we can be family again.
He told her time and time again, and it was no wonder Azula acted the way she is .
Zuko almost wanted to punch his past-self for how stupidly self righteous and condescending it must have sounded to Azula .
Being tied down to a bed inside a straight jacket after being put in an asylum by your own brother is love from family ?
"Zuko, are you coming?" Mai suddenly entered his quarters. She leaned down and gave him a kiss on his lips before putting her eyes out on the table, seeing the many letters from noblemen and women along with generals and lieutenants. The work of the Fire Lord really starting to come in, a responsibility that he had to bear.
But one letter really stood out to her, a letter from the soldiers and navigators that Zuko commanded to stay at Hira'a in order to find Azula.
"Azula is always not far from your thoughts." Mai told him as she put her arm over his shoulder. "Why do you put so much time about her, Zuko ? Is this how is it going to be ? She always got a hold of you when she was still here and even now she still. Your mother is here, but instead of celebrating you always brood about her." The raven haired Fire Lady comments.
Zuko lets out an amused chuckle " You're the last person that should be lecturing me about brooding Mai ..."
Mai shrugged not refuting " Fair enough but still ..."
"It's nothing , just a bit concerned for my own sister. She never really ... she always thought nobody loved her, thinking that she was a monster." Zuko comments. "I never thought in a million years it would come to this, when I put her in the asylum, I thought she would be okay again and then maybe comeback home, help me on how to run-" This time Mai had to abruptly pull herself away from him, her demeanor soured.
"You're always an idiot, Zuko. And yes, Azula is a monster, if I was the one making decisions, I'll put her into the asylum again" Mai says sourly .
" You don't mean that ..." Zuko gave her a look .
" I do ... Zuko " Mai said but the slight conflict of tone in her voice did not go unnoticed by Zuko .
Mai opened the door to leave. "Goodnight." She waves without even looking at him.
Ursa watches Mai left to her bedroom, making sure to knock on before entering Zuko's quarters. When she heard Zuko's confirmation, she entered and Zuko stood up.
"Mom." He greets, receiving his mother's embrace. The days had been kind to the Fire Lord, finally seeing his mother again since the day she had left, also restoring her original face, he was grateful to the Mother of Faces for restoring her memories. He is now quite taller than she is now, the top of her head just reaching his chin, but he still he feels small whenever she is around with her.
"How are you doing Zuko ?" Ursa pulls away from him as Zuko went back to his seat .
" Fine ... just had a bit of a disagreement with Mai about ..." He didn't finish , his mother more than understood . Zuko looked at the assortment of letters, but his eyes never leaving the parchment his navigators have sent him. "And how's Kiyi and Ikem settling in ? "
"Kiyi already slept, I tucked her in. Ikem slept ahead of me. I don't feel the night's call yet." She said to him and Zuko nodded and sighs, but he knows why she is here. He was just waiting for her to ask the question. "Have they found Azula ?" She asked, her eyes hopeful but those hopeful expression disappeared as soon as Zuko shakes her head, biting his lip before answering.
"They have not. Not yet, their still searching." Zuko answered, and Ursa could only nod slowly as she sat down on a sofa. Her hands on her lap as she thought about her daughter being out there, lost and alone. She remember the look that Azula gave after the truth had finally been revealed, the look of her eyes was the one she could never forget, the look of betrayal and anger. The hurt in her eyes was frightening, something she could not look at.
Tell me mother, did you have to have a new daughter because your last one turned out to be monster ?
And what did she do ? She did nothing, she only stood there afraid, apologizing for her failures instead.
I helped Zuko, mother ! Why are you mad to me ? You're always mad at me ! You never loved me ! You always thought of me as a monster !
"Be quiet, Azula !"
I won't be quiet, it's true ! You never loved me ! I heard it from you, you said I was a monster and you said to Lo that you wished you ended your pregnancy when you were pregnant with me-
Those were the words that Ursa heard, but never answered.
The first time she had left Azula, the night where she had murdered the Fire Lord and left them. Azula had told that she had heard her talking to Lo that she had wished that she had taken the herb and ended the pregnancy with Azula .
And what did she do instead of reassuring her that she had loved her and what she had heard was just a crossing thought ?
She hit her . She hit her own daughter .
She had raised her hand on the little girl who had just heard her own mother say that she wished she had never been born .
She remembered those golden colored eyes swelling up to tears when her cheek stung from her blow .
She didn't even come to her room and wake her up to say goodbye like she did with Zuko when Ozai gave her the chance to do so. Just a kiss on the cheek unto her sleeping form .
As if that would somehow be enough to rectify what she had just done to her daughter .
"Mom...we'll find Azula. I promise you that." Zuko assured her as he stood up and went over to her, putting his arm around her shoulder.
"We'll find her..."
No you didn't No you didn't No you didn't No you didn't No you didn't No you didn't No you didn't .
I love you Azula, I do.
No you don't, I know you don't.
If what you say is true, then I'm sorry I didn't love you enough -
There's nothing to love mother.
There's nothing to love.
Azula was finding it increasingly hard to sleep in the night as always , her nights was mostly spent with her moving around in bed, trying to find the most comfortable position possible before finally letting exhaustion take her to ecstasy of sleep while the rain poured outside, the panic attacks had been more severe, she had wondered if Kazumi actually had ever caught her on her episode a few times but so far the woman had said nothing .
She had already spent several days under Kazumi's wing, and she was generous enough to give the guest room entirely to her while she decided to sleep while she slept in her own room just down the hall. Had she still been a princess, she would have laughed at her generosity, telling her that it should be as accustomed since she is the princess of the fire nation. But that is not the case anymore.
She is demeaning to people, yes , but she isn't stupid; she appreciates help when offered, she knows when to act superior and when to be humble enough to play along for the time being . And Kazumi's house beats everything than having to live in the forest, not knowing what's in the dark, lurking. Her father had taught her that, unlike Zuko who is always emotional, always letting his emotions dominate instead of analyzing the situation.
She had went outside, realizing that the rain had already stopped. The ground was wet, but it wasn't muddy. She was grateful that the ground they walk on was mostly sandy soil than muddy clay. While she had spent her time here, she notices Kazumi is always outside, doing something but she never bothered to know what it is. Curiosity got the best of her as she decided to explore and find the woman, and surprisingly Kazumi was on her knees, just on her undergarments while her dress was set aside unto the branch of a tree. Her pet tigerdillo and ostrich horse still awake to make sure their master is accompanied in the night.
Kazumi rose to her feet and what she did next was raised Azula's brow. The older woman suddenly began to take her stance, like that she would find in a master firebender. Her movement were sharp, her feet firm to the ground as if taking power from the ground itself. Her eyes focused, a focus she could only describe as having the same focus as she have, and before long Kazumi began to move her arms. Elegant, sharp and beautiful, the way a dragon would move if they were people, the way she practiced her kata reminded her of herself, when she practiced in the gardens.
Azula is no fool when it comes to finding talent and this woman is someone of talent. Arguably as beautiful as her and arguably as talented if she reveals her true nature.
The former princess looked unto her fingers, the firebender in her pushing the spirit inside. The tips of her fingers sparked, as if lightning wanted to come out and shoot it at the woman to test her strength. But she curled her hands to a fist, stopping the fire inside her and decided to approach the woman. Kazumi already was looking back to her, taking her dress from the branch of the tree and Azula stopped for a bit, allowing her to dress herself before finally addressing her.
"Azula, glad to join me." Kazumi starts, and the fire nation princess then narrowed her eyes.
"I saw your movement, the way you displayed your katas. Those movement cannot be found in simple firebending arts, you're a firebender."Azula practically declared .
"I didn't bend fire-"
"Don't lie to me !" Azula snaps, but this time her outburst wasn't taken well by Kazumi. "I can see lies through peoples eyes." Azula said, and Kazumi nods, connecting her hands together. "I have had enough people lie and betray me to know "
The older woman then calmly says. "Well then, look into my eyes and see if there are any lies." Kazumi challenged and Azula agreed to it, looking into her silver gray eyes, to see if there a twitch or the hint of even changing dilation of her eyes.
She had done this before to many people, looking deeply at their eyes and finding if there is any hint of lies in their words. This is a talent where she could proudly say that she taught herself, when she looked at her mirror and told herself that she likes Zuko. Then that catalyst turned into another talent on her already prodigious wares.
Azula gave up when she had seen none, sighing. "How did you know those katas? Only a master firebender like me could move like you did ." Azula then decided to demonstrate, holding out her hand and emitting her signature blue flames. She expected to see surprise on Kazumi's face, but all she could see is the same unsurprised expression.
Kazumi then answers. "Like I said, I'm a person of many talents."
The fire nation princess could only chuckle. "If you're really that talented like you claimed, you would have done more than to be just stuck in the middle of nowhere." She said. "Talent rewards talent, and power begets power you know." Azula said and adds. "You could have been rewarded."
But Kazumi shakes her head, the older woman walking past by her and Azula allowed so. "Well, I had a choice...I chose love." When she said those words, it made Azula's fist curl. She really hated talking about such things, it reminded her about Zuko and mother, the talks about love and how love heals everything and that you should love your friends instead of making them fear you into worship.
Where was that precious 'love' they preached when they locked her away in an asylum and forgot about her for over a year ?
But she had to put those thoughts away, or soon enough, she will have another episode where her body isn't her own. She couldn't take another, Zuko and her mother always dominated her during the episodes.
Azula grits her teeth and asks. "What does love have to do with it?" She asked.
Kazumi looked back to her and simply replied. "Well, love can do you good."
"You sound like my mother, talking about love and how good it is... but she never loved me." Azula says with venom, the memory clicking in her mind. It annoyed her greatly to the point that she wanted to cast her bending unto this woman for ever having to sound like her. "It disgusts me."
Kazumi frowns, something that Azula hadn't seen her yet, Azula could clearly see in her eyes that her remark affected her. She looks at her hands, giving herself a second to think about before looking right back at the princess. "Then she's a fool then, she didn't doesn't know how much she had lost." She says, and she continued to walk, as if wanting to avoid the conversation now. "She lost something so precious and she doesn't even realize it." Kazumi added and it made Azula pause, how could she know about loss?
Azula wanted to change the subject now and asked. "How long would I have to be stuck here with you in the house ? How long before the season ends ?"
Kazumi stopped for a bit to answer her question, but she wasn't turning to Azula, as if wanting to avoid her seeing her face. " Two months usually...or perhaps three." Kazumi answered, it didn't satisfy the princess she wanted concrete answers to when exactly. Whenever she is with the woman she felt vulnerable, the same feeling she had experienced when she was with her mother still, back when she was young and her wits was still with her.
It felt suffocating.
But before she let Kazumi get away, she still wanted to know how she knew she was a bender. Kazumi didn't even feel surprised when she revealed her blue flame to her, as if it was something she already had seen before and many had been in awe seeing the blue flames in person, but to her, she was unaffected. It made Azula more weary of the older woman.
"How did you know I was a bender, Kazumi ?" Azula asked, finally using the woman's name. It still sounded unnatural to Azula, she isn't one to use people's names unless they were her friends.
She didn't have friends anymore so what was the point of keeping to old habits ?
"I can sense it, like you could see through people's lies, I can sense people's bending through the heat of their body. Like you have talent, I myself have talent." She replied, and to Azula it was enough. Kazumi turned to her, a smile returning to her lips, her eyes showing a bit more emotion, Azula could see that woman's spirit seemed lifted. " I'm going to return to my room for the night . Goodnight, Azula." Kazumi says, but Azula didn't answer and watched her enter the house.
Azula look up, the moon shining bright and the sky is clear. The clouds already dispersed. Her thoughts a bit all over the place, though her body is still not ready to sleep. She takes her stance, her feet wide and her arms in form of her kata. She wanted to put her thoughts somewhere else, away from the thoughts of her mother and Zuko. Just to keep herself busy, so that another panic attack won't set in, as little by little she is losing control of her emotions, more and more the attacks had been common ever since Zuko had released her from the asylum. She refused to be controlled, but that was the reality.
Though, little did she realize Kazumi was watching her, her silver gray eyes observing the firebender bend her blue flame with an impressed smile on her beautiful face.