I love you, Azula. I do.
"No you don't, no you don't." Azula repeats, her eyes staring at the ghostly image of her mother, standing tall as her golden eyes looked down on her. The expression on its face tells its story.
"You don't love me , I have already known long ago." Azula told the apparition, and it seems like Azula's remark did its effect as the apparition frowned, and then disappeared from the cell.
The doctors and nurses were gracious enough to finally stop tying down the princess unto the bed, being able to sit up by herself. The feeling of movement made her muscles creak as months of inactivity finally was stopped. But strapped in a straight jacket still, they make sure it still stays at that. Though no longer tied down, it doesn't make her nights any better, it's all the same thing.
Her days are spent with being drugged, force fed while being strapped down on the bed inside a straight jacket. While her nights are spent being sleepless, as apparitions of her family comes to her, sometimes she's unsure if they are real or not. But she talks to them as if they were indeed real.
She's already in an asylum for the mentally deranged and ill , what's the point of pretending that she hasn't completely lost it ?
She closed her eyes for a moment and then she opened them once more, expecting for someone to appear in front of her. And indeed that someone appeared, tall, dressed with the garments of a Fire Lord, along with a scar on his left eye. Zuko entered the cell once more, always there to mock Azula at every chance possible. How Azula wished to be free from her jacket and just strike Zuko down with her lightning, though she could breathe out fire, she damned the drugs that the nurse gave her every night. Her beautiful wall of fire becoming a mere ember.
The apparition approached, its eyes looking down on her with pity.
Azula really , really hated it . She wished it would combust into flames .
She hated how Zuko looked at her similar to how she was chained on the grate at the height of Sozin's Comet. The Agni Kai between them was ruined because of that damned waterbender.
'How are you, Azula ? ' Zuko asked with those Agni-damned eyes of him . There was pity in them .
She hated pity more than anything else .
Azula lashed out, as if trying to bite at him, but she knew it was fruitless due to her damn restraints and she relented with grit teeth , giving the apparition a death glare .
"Doing fine, Zuko. Being strapped down and stuffed inside a straight jacket is a wonderful experience that all should try." Azula answered, her sarcasm no longer having the same punch that it had. "Come to mock me Zuko ? I really hate it when you just come here and look at me with pity, it disgust me . You can burn in hell for putting me here Zuko ..." She said.
"You never call me Zuzu anymore. You always called me that back then, but you don't anymore." The apparition of her brother had the gall to look saddened .
His observation actually made Azula laugh out loud, louder than she intended. Zuko never fails to surprise her, he really wanted everything, their mother's love, their father's approval, and especially the crown. And now, he is even asking for one more thing, one more approval from her in the form her using the nickname that she had used.
"Why does it matter, Zuko ? Does it hurt you that I don't use it anymore ? Why do you care actually ? You and mother never cared for me, so I won't care using that damned nickname "
"I love you Azula-"
The apparition didn't even get the chance to complete the sentence as Azula breathed her fire out. Blue flames coming out from her mouth with a rage similar at the time during the Agni Kai.
"You don't love me ! You don't ! Don't you ever say that !" Her outburst really brought forth the attention of the staff as they burst from the door and suddenly tackled her down, the nurse carrying the same syringe containing the same drug that gets puts inside her body.
The last thing she thinks is how much she wished she never woke up again . At least then , she would be free of this hell .
It's the same thing that awakens her in the middle of the night. Azula sat up, her golden eyes were wide awake as she tried to calm herself down. Her breath was sharp, really trying to take in as much air as it could, as if her body has been deprived of it in her sleep.
The rain poured outside, Azula hugging herself as it happened again. Night after night, the memories dominates her sleep. It's always the same setting, in that dark place where Zuko and her mother could tell everything they want and then she lashes out. How she wish her peaceful sleep would return , not the forced drug induced sleep those damn nurses and doctors back at the asylum forced on her to 'calm her down' or at least for her dreams to become much more merciful , and not having to constantly relive the memory of finally finding her mother only to find out that she had been replaced as a daughter.
Why ?
Azula asked herself, her hands on the clean blanket before biting at the material and shaking her head around.
Why did everything go wrong ? She did everything for people and they used her like as if she was just trash that could be replaced. She was a person like everyone else yet they treat her like a rabid animal that needs to be caged and treated like one .
"Why?! Why?! Why !? " Azula repeats, closing her eyes as she bite hard at the cloth to keep herself from screaming out loud .
She doesn't want to cry, she doesn't want to spend her night everyday crying to herself until her body collapses through sheer exhaustion, but it seemed like even her own body betrays her as the liquid came out from her eyes.
"Why mother ?! Why did you not want me ?! Why did you have to lay it down on my face that you have just replaced me with a new daughter ?! Wasn't I enough ?! Did you really hate me that much !? "
Azula called out to nothing but the sad void of silence .
"Zuko ?! Ty Lee ?! Mai ?! Uncle ?!" Azula yells the names of those she cared about or at least once cared about aloud. She doesn't care if the whole world hears her despair . She just wants to scream everything she's feeling out .
"Even father abandoned me ! Me ! What did I do wrong for all of you to abandon me ?!" She cried, the pain hurt, it hurt so much that even her heart skipped a beat. Deep inside Azula, she wished for the gift of insanity once again, the hole that she was in before Zuko pulled her out of almost seemed like a better sanctuary she had experienced than where she is now what feels like the last years of her pathetic life.
Listening to the girl's wails pulled Kazumi's strings. The same exact feeling she had once had have, the same despair that she felt and the same hell she had been through. The many nights that plagued her mind after she had done the most unforgettable . And what's worse , her little one would have been the same age as this girl had she not done it, had she been stronger and not let her demons took her over and commit the unforgivable.
Kazumi opened the door and approached Azula, unafraid of the danger that she might possesses in her episode. She went up to the young girl and gently took her in her arms.
There was no danger, just a girl, a very damaged girl , not even an adult. Crying for someone to hold her and tell her that she is not abandoned and alone .
Crying for someone to care for her and love her .
Instinctively, Azula's arms wrapped around her. crying and sobbing Kazumi wondered if she is actually conscious when she is having her episode. She always had done this, night after night since she took her in, but now she can't just watch and listen anymore. She couldn't just sit by and listen to this girl suffer in silence .
"Mother, why did you leave me ?" Azula sobbed to her, and Kazumi confirmed her suspicions, likely she might just forget everything after this once she collapses again but she doesn't mind . "You always loved Zuko, but never me. Wasn't I enough ?" Azula sobbed, even looking up to Kazumi's face, her golden eyes looking deeply on her light gray ones before burying her head once more unto her chest.
Kazumi put a hand on her hair and gently caresses her. She doesn't care if she's not the person Azula refers to , this girl needs help .
"Shh, it's okay Azula. I'll never leave you." Kazumi whispered, though her words were empty, she doesn't care. It is a feeling that she hadn't experience in a long time, exactly sixteen years ago when the infant opened her eyes and moved her. And now she's experiencing it again.
"I never left."
Kazumi gently prepared the bowl, filling it out with a fine amounts of food suitable for a woman like her. And then another, filling in the same amount of rice and meat along with vegetables. It's the same thing she had prepared, sometimes Kazumi is still not yet used to prepare food for two, it always had been just her alone. And that had been the status of her life for sixteen years until now. Going through the motions with her pets being the only form of reliable companions.
The sound of the door creaking open caught the older woman's attention, and there Azula emerged from the room. It looked like she hadn't had a good night's sleep once more, noticing the slightly puffy red eyes, the same thing that Kazumi always noticed since the two weeks she had been under her wing, the same cries that she had ignored and after they awoke, they eat and they do their respective duties. Usually it is just her tending to the gardens, the same katas that she practiced while she held herself back, all awhile before spending her time with her pets, while Azula on the other hand trains herself to exhaustion until the night came, they have their dinner and the cycle continues.
But last night was different, Kazumi couldn't ignore the wails of the teenager, the desperate cries. The fire nation princess didn't even realize that it wasn't her mother that came to her embrace.
Kazumi almost wondered whether Azula actually did remember the events of last night , but decided not to press the poor girl on it . She doubts Azula wishes to remember one of her episodes .
Looking at Azula, Kazumi smiled and gestured at the table. "Good morning, Azula. Would you like to join me ?" She offered as she pats one side of the table where a pillow was already prepared for her to sit on with a bowl and nice food ready. And of course, Azula sat down next to her and took hold of a fork, plunging it on the food. And they both began eating, thinking that it is the same routine they will have in the past two weeks since Azula have to settle here.
But Azula have gotten other things in mind as she raised a statement. "You never actually specified what you mean by it the other day." Azula starts and it raised Kazumi's brow. It seemed she was correct that Azula didn't remember anything from her episodes, panic attacks would always leave her thinking it was a dream even though she sat with her on the bed until she calmed herself to sleep.
"You would have to be specific Azula on what you mean by it." Kazumi told, her eyes never leaving the food on her bowl as she proceeds to use her fork to pluck another leaf of vegetables and meat and gently ate it.
Azula sighs and clarifies. "If you're talented as you claimed to be, you could have done more than more than to stay in the middle of nowhere inside a forest where people get lost and die." She said, really emphasizing on her wondering how a woman like her could end up in a place like this, alone.
Not only that, her beauty really stands out, many people of higher class would kill to have a woman like her at their side, elevating her status to a high degree just to be near a woman like her. She has certainly heard of more than a few high-class nobles that have spent a ridiculous amount of wealth just to get the attention of whatever trophy wife they sought .
"You're a woman of many talents like you said." Azula stated as fact more than anything .
Kazumi dropped her fork and focuses on Azula. "I chose to be here, this is my calling. And that has been the calling that has been passed down from generation to generation in my family." She answered.
Azula then asked. "And then where is your family?"
"They have all passed I'm afraid . I'm the last of my kin." Kazumi said nonchalantly , but there was a tinge of sadness to it .
That made Azula raised her brow a bit on what Kazumi exactly is. She was very vague and could not complete the puzzle herself , there was more to the story that Kazumi wasn't letting on and Azula was inclined to hear it .
" What are you Kazumi ? " Azula asked but then decided to rephrase the question " What exactly is your family's calling ? "
"I suppose there is no point in hiding it anymore " Kazumi let out a small sigh before she spoke " My family are ...was spirit navigators . We were able to communicate to the spirits that linger here in the mortal realm and bring them to peace . We can to a certain extent communicate with those in the spirit world too "
" So you're an exorcist ? " Azula said with a raised eyebrow .
" I suppose you could call it that . We typically try to avoid becoming hostile or agitating spirits that are just trying to find peace and lay them to rest , but there have been cases where we had to resort to less ... diplomatic means to resolve matters involving spirits " Kazumi didn't further elaborate .
" For generations my family has acted as spirit navigators , fighting off malicious spirits and putting the innocent spirits to rest . But I for one have stopped, it's best that the practice of my ancestors ends with me " Kazumi told, before she adds something with forlorn expression. "You do not want to see the things that I have seen." She warned, but she didn't clarify more.
"But I thought only the Avatar could be able to communicate with the spirits." Azula raised.
"The Avatar is the only one that could transport people to the spirit world." Kazumi countered and continues. "That doesn't mean they are the only one that could go in the Spirit World on their own." She says.
" And ... they are not the only ones that the spirits talk to and give gifts out as well ..." Kazumi said with a longing expression .
Gifts ? What does she mean by that ?
Azula thought but it didn't seem like Kazumi was going to share any more .
"Had father found you, he would have chosen you over my mother in an instant." Azula said all of a sudden to which it made Kazumi look at her. "He's one to find talent, he would have chose you had you been to the village and see you."
"And where's your family ?" Kazumi asked a sudden. "Your mother wouldn't be proud of you saying that "
Of course, remembering just her recent outburst. Kazumi is aware that she is tugging the heart of the young firebender .
She knows that she shouldn't but her own curiosity about the girl got the better of her .
But Azula's reaction is not what she had expected .
Her remark made Azula almost laugh out loud, the thought of it sickens her. She couldn't even remember the time when her mother actually said words that matter to her.
"Mother and my family ? She's somewhere happy I'm sure. She already had a new daughter after realizing the first was not she wanted" Azula says with distaste in her voice , and what she had said made Kazumi narrow her brows, watching the teenagers expression, it looked like she still couldn't accept the circumstances, the way Kazumi watched Azula's brows twitch at the mention of being replaced .
Kazumi had heard of some children feeling that way whenever their parents separate and have other children . Though from the way this girl is acting , she can already tell there's something deeper at play here and the mere mention of being replaced must have scarred her deeply .
"They all abandoned me." Azula said, not mattering to her anymore whether or not she would let her guard down. The panic attacks have been more frequent, she couldn't hold the same composure that she had once anymore knowing her mind and memories plagued her everyday. She couldn't even put her guard up for herself, let alone to other people.
She wasn't fooling anyone , least of all herself .
She was no longer the proud Princess Azula that had brought down Ba Sing Sae .
No , she was just a pathetic girl who had been abandoned to her own demons by everybody she thought cared .
Kazumi looked into Azula's eyes, her silver gray eyes looking directly at hers . The way she stared at Azula made the teenager uneasy as she gently put her hand on hers. It made the fire nation princess flinch at the mere touch .
"Then they are fools." Kazumi repeats , the same thing she had told her just a few nights back while the moon shined down on them both. "They don't realize how much they had lost until it was already too late." Kazumi says as Azula pulled her hand away from her. Whatever she did, it made the princess a bit vulnerable. The way she stared at her, like a dragon telling its young that she is strong.
Father should have found you, not mother. I'm sure he would have loved to have you at his side. You're beautiful and talented, just like I. Maybe you could come with me and there we could start something that Zuko would be afraid of.
She wondered, if Kazumi has any interest at all to ever explore the outside world. If she is ignorant as she claims about the politics, then it would be easy for her to caught up to it once she learns. The woman is very smart, that she couldn't deny.
Azula avoided her remark, she feels a bit uneasy. The fire inside her feeling a bit suppressed by the way this woman is acting .
What is this woman ?
Azula thought to herself, the way Kazumi composes herself with elegance, her beauty, the way she walks and even stare at her reminds herself of mother. But when she opens her mouth, sometimes she felt a bit intimidated, a presence she could feel similar to that of her father.
The way she practiced her kata, the way she moved with the skill and grace of a true master firebender , like she had mastered those movement years before .
Azula says to herself, she suspected that she must be a bender and perhaps a powerful one at that, her gut instincts are telling her this, and for one, they never let her down.
"The way you practiced your movement, that stance. Only a master firebender could have moved like that." Azula starts, changing the topic. "And like I said, I am a master firebender myself so I know when I see another master of the arts" She adds, the way Kazumi lost the narrows of her brow and returning to her nonchalant expression surprised Azula. She could never read the woman's emotions and she prides herself to be some sort of psychoanalyst on conversations.
Kazumi then raised. "So that means, I can only assume you have witnessed other firebenders who were not a master and have come to a comparison." She said.
Azula nods and chuckles. "That you are correct, I do not know if you care or not but back when I was at home, I am highly regarded. A prodigy they say." Azula proudly claims, remembering the times where the fire nation historians marveled at her talent.
The youngest master firebender in history and the first firebender in Agni Kai's name to have bended blue flames.
The accolades were something to take pride of, the first of anything was something all would take pride of.
Kazumi sighs, her eyes looking down avoiding Azula's as if she had remembered something. "Talent can only take you so far. Eventually that alone would fail like I had." She says and that wasn't unnoticed by Azula.
" I know that ... but that doesn't change what I say , you are a firebender." Azula concluded. "Why would you keep that from me ?"
Kazumi stands up and says, already finished her meal. "I never said I wasn't. I specifically remembered telling I did not bend fire when you have witnessed me training. I can assure you that I have never lied to you Azula." She then adds a remark, the way she her tone changed impressed the young princess.
She IS a dragon indeed, she for one is somewhat glad that she had met the woman.
'I'm an honest woman' Was what Kazumi was basically trying to say , and as always Azula once more tried to see any lies in her words and could find none. The revelation of finding out the woman is actually a firebender didn't scare the princess at all, but rather she was GLAD that a woman as like her is indeed a bender.
Azula also finished her meal and followed Kazumi, leaving the bowl to the table. They both went outside, the tigerdillo and her ostrich horse greeting the older woman, caressing the animals and scratching their cheek, they were under her completely. "Tigerdillos are not native to the firenation " Azula says and Kazumi looked back to her.
"It's common to see smugglers around the outskirts of the forest, I rescued her many years ago." She said and adds. "My Ostrich horse, she's been with me as long as I can remember, Serenity." She motioned at the Ostrich horse and then to the tigerdillo. "Tira." And after a few moments of silence, Kazumi then raises. "I actually never asked you this, Azula. How was your night's sleep ? Are you well under my wing ?" Her question made the teenager shake her head, crossing her arms.
"Same as everyday since I have been in here." Azula said plainly .
Sleepless as always, taking me back to the most horrid moments of my memories, chained down like a dog , and drugged by a faceless nurse as Zuko and my mother taunt me with their words of fake love .
"I'm fine, thank you for your concern. My nights have been positively amazing " Azula say sarcastically and then changed the topic once more. "Now, I'm more interested in seeing you bend."
Kazumi only gave her pets one look before they scurried off to their places. "No, I will not demonstrate it. I have vowed to myself to never bend unless my hand is forced." She said, her expression a bit tensed, as if a memory comes in mind to her. But her remark made Azula smirk, as if taking it as a challenge.
"Maybe I can coax it out from you." Azula said as she began two move her fingers in circular motion, the sparks of lightning coming out from the end of her fingers. But Kazumi remained unfazed, just looking at her without any expression, it made slightly unnerved Azula, but yet she still completed the motion as she pointed it at Kazumi, the lightning coming out from the ends of her finger tips.
That was stopped immediately, Azula didn't even realize what happened as Kazumi grabbed hold of her pointed fingers with her right hand and then in a split second; her left hand trailed from the wrist of her right arm, through her forearms, then unto her stomach before she pointed it to the ground, the lightning coming out from Kazumi's fingers, blasting the ground next to where they stood. The sand was charred as smoke was coming out from it.
Azula was wide eyed, frozen. She couldn't believe what she had witnessed as memories flash back, back when she was still the prodigy that everyone wanted her to be. Zuko and Uncle facing against her, and just as she was about strike Zuko with her lightning, Uncle comes in, grabbed her fingers and redirected her lightning into the sky.
Kazumi gently let go of her fingers, returning to that elegant composure that she always held and simply says. "Like I said, do not force my hand, Azula." She says and softly adds. "Please..." Before walking away, leaving the young teenager wide eyed with tears on it while her fingers still pointed towards Kazumi as if she was still shooting her lightning, feeling upstaged.
She had already lost everything , why not lose her pride as the best firebender too ?