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FOURTEEN

I went away for a while. I curled up and shut down and stopped.

«Cassie?»

It was too much. Everything in the last few days, plus— just too much. I couldn't handle it. Not this, too. Not my parents in this kind of ongoing danger, not the yeerks watching my family like this.

Aftran had made it look natural. Had said all the right things. Smiled and acted respectful in all the right places. I'd tuned her out. Stopped thinking. Let her handle it. It wasn't like I had a choice, was it?

I didn't care. I welcomed it. I couldn't function right now. I just… drifted.

I knew when Aftran left the house late that night. I was aware that I was morphing, running, flying. Landing, Talking. Then in a bug fighter. Then in the Ellimist's stupid, stupid waterfall cave.

«Cassie!»

I just couldn't make myself pay attention or care. At all. I drifted for hours. It was… nice.

«Cassie, I—» Aftran's voice. Tense. Anxious. I could dimly feel her emotions; she was incredibly upset. «Please. Please, Cassie.»

I reluctantly came back to real life enough to answer. Barely enough to see that we were still in the cave. There was a shining stainless-steel oval the size of a chest freezer in front of me. It had a sliding lid that moved along the curve in front.

It looked like something that belonged in a factory, or maybe a brewery. It hummed and bubbled like a jacuzzi.

What had Erek called it? A kandrona-pool support system. A portable pool unit.

Aftran's emotions were wrong. Off. That got me to pay just a little more attention. She was made of tension: as apprehensive and afraid as when she'd dragged me to the yeerk pool, if not more.

It didn't make much sense. I was slightly curious… but only slightly. I didn't care about this, not really. I started to drift back down.

«Cassie. Don't— Cassie! I— I need to feed. I—» She was frantic. Panicked. Stressed. Out of her mind with worry. Hungry, with a raw desperate edge of encroaching need woven in. «Please.»
I didn't react much. What was her problem? That was why she had gotten the pool, wasn't it? Why did she need me to know this? Why did it matter?

She paused. Expectant. Jittery. On a knife's edge.

«Okay.» I said in slow confusion, since she seemed to be waiting for my response, pausing for an acknowledgement from me. Why did it matter? It wasn't like I could stop her, was it? «You do that.»

I was done with this. Reality hurt. I stopped paying attention. I deliberately sunk down and dropped away.

I blinked my eyes open minutes later. I was laying crumpled on the ground beside the metal pool, below the open sliding panel.

I thought about just laying there for a while. But it was really uncomfortable, and I didn't want to be uncomfortable if I had to experience things again.

So I got to my feet and stared down at the big steel tub Aftran had blackmailed Erek for.

I could see her in there, just barely; a paler flash now and again as the sludgy liquid churned. She seemed harmless like this, incredibly vulnerable.

I turned away. Walked to the mouth of the cave, through the curved entrance and into the mist coming off the water spray. Walked through the edge of the falls, where the force of the water was less.

Walked over slick rocks and sand, onto the little grass meadow. Sat down on the grass and leaned back with my arms braced, gazed up at the treacherous night sky.

Erek shimmered into view two feet away.

I rolled my head to the side after a few seconds. Looked at him. I couldn't feel much. It was like I didn't have emotions.

"Cassie," he said. "I see you are yourself again."

I said nothing.

"I tried my best to give you a way out," he said. "I intentionally got a pool for her without anything, a control collar or a host submission system." He sounded smug.

His words washed over me. I stared at him, unimpressed.

"Let's go, Cassie. We can leave, right now."

I just kept staring. Was I supposed to feel something, right about now? Relief, maybe?

I had watched him bargain with Aftran for my body— for my friends' freedom— two days ago. Had it really only been two days?

How. Had it only been two days.

Erek watched me closely. "She can live for months in there. I could arrange for the Yeerks to find her. Eventually."

I thought about that for a long moment. Then I went back to staring at the stars.

"... Cassie?" He asked. Paused. Watched me watch the night sky. "Are you okay?"

I thought about just ignoring him. Pretending he wasn't there. Decided against it.

"No, Erek. I'm not at all okay."

"That's understandable." He said immediately. "What can I do to help?"

I blinked. Looked at him again.

He shifted in place, expression growing conflicted as the seconds passed and I didn't answer. "Do you… need… help?" His voice was slow, cautious. He was looking at me in a way I really didn't like.

I thought about that question for several long minutes. Could Erek help? "Can you make The Sharing stop getting involved in dad's clinic?"

"... No. I'm sorry. There's—" He looked strained. "Cassie… you're actively in danger. The yeerks, they know Karen was helped. They know someone splinted her leg."

I choked on air. "What!?"

"The autopsy report came back. There were indentations on her skin. She had crush damage to blood vessels, bite marks that were too shallow." He hesitated. "She couldn't have splinted the damage herself. You're the most likely suspect."

I sat there, stunned. A ball of ice formed in my chest. "oh," I said. My voice was small. There were cold hands around my throat.

"... I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do." Erek said. He sounded miserable. "I only found out today. The goal is to get you and your parents infested, find out what you know, and use the Clinic's community standing as another vector for recruiting."

I swore.

"Yes," he said. "I agree."

I took a breath. Pushed myself to my feet, my hands squelching in the half-dry mud under the grass. I felt like I was going to explode. I had to fix this. I had to fix this.

"Ready?" Erek asked. He stepped towards me. I looked over at him. Whatever he saw in my face made him stop in his tracks.

I wanted to go with him. Wanted to get out of here right now. But that wouldn't really help me, would it? That wasn't going to save my family.

I looked him right in the eye. Shook my head. "No. I… don't need any help, Erek."

I turned. Walked away. Stepped back over the rocks and sand, through the edge of the curtain of water. Erek stood behind me and said nothing.

Boredom started to sink in around the fifteen minute mark, even with my worrying. Turns out I can barely care about anything, be utterly terrified for my parents, and be eye-wateringly bored all at the same time.

I don't recommend it.

Being bored in a cave did beat being stuck in a cage, stuck in a force field. Stuck in a 'control collar'— which I absolutely hated the sound of. It beat being restrained by any of the other possibilities I was absolutely trying not to imagine from the words host submission system.

I shuddered. The motion came through my body fast and strong. I took a deep breath, focused on the roar of the water outside.

Maybe ten minutes after I tried to stop thinking about that, while I sat and waited and decompressed a little from everything that had happened since Monday night… it occurred to me— really occurred to me— that I didn't have to do this. I could just leave. I could morph right now. Ow—Osprey. Or wolf. I could send myself right back through that water and go.

I could go home and not deal with anything Aftran-related ever again. I could stop giving up control of my body. I could… figure out getting The Sharing to back off my family. On my own. Somehow.

I'd simply up and left the animorphs— I could also simply up and leave this extremely messed-up infestation. I could. I could walk away right now, I didn't have to try and make peace. I didn't have to get re-involved in the war at all. I could hide and be a normal kid.

I could just live my life.

I thought about that for a while: If I walked out of here— Erek said he'd arrange a way for Aftran to be found, if I wanted. Would she spill our secret if she went back to the yeerks? Would one of the Chee take her instead, if I asked? Make her a captive, blind and deaf for the rest of her life?

Could I… do that to her? Would it be kinder to just kill her?

Could I afford to kill her? What if she knew how to save my family? What if killing her doomed my parents? Was it even possible to solve that issue on my own, without her?

But she was a threat. To me. To my friends. I could do the hard and necessary thing anyway, eliminate the threat. Render her incapable of revealing any of our secrets.

I could kill her. Right now. Walk over and grab her right out of that sludgy pool and squeeze until she popped.

I'd never have to wonder if I'd get control of my body back again. All I needed to do was kill another sentient being. Kill another living, thinking, feeling, intelligent creature, someone I had gotten to know. She was defenseless like this. It would be easy.

It would be so incredibly easy.

I thought for a long time, turning over possibilities in my mind. I sat there for at least another half-hour. And then I got up and walked over to Aftran's little industrial pool.

She was letting the current carry her, drifting along. That made it easy to reach out and pick her up. Sludgy liquid drained out of my hand as I got a good look at her.

There was no getting around my revulsion: she was ugly. Slimy, grayish-green-white. I would not have been surprised to see something just like her on the recently-disturbed underside of a large heavy rock.

I cupped my hand a little closer, studying her. She trembled, once, turned her front third towards me, waving slightly in the air.

She could sense me. That's what she'd said, before: that she could find me. She knew it was me holding her now.

I stared at the gross, slimy, terrifying slug in my hand for a long moment. I thought about throwing her down on the stone floor, hearing her splat as she hit. Thought about slamming down my heel over and over, grinding down until she was paste, until I was sure she was dead.

I took a deep breath. Opened my hand a little from where I had clasped my fingers around her. Closed my eyes.

I lifted her up to my ear.

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A/N1:What's that, Cassie? I hear the jaws of a metaphorical bear trap slamming shut.

A/N2: Next chapter will be delayed. Fanfiction unfortunately doesn't pay the bills and my big girl job is in crunch.