1000 More Ways To Die (1000 Ways To Die fan fic)
By Papa Palpatine
Warning: The deaths depicted in this fan fiction are entirely made up and the names of the deceased were not changed, mostly because they don't exist. Do not attempt any of the actions depicted... YOU WILL DIE.
Location: Houston, Texas
Date: April 2, 2009
Narrator: Meet Roscoe, a two-time loser who was just recently released on parole after serving time for his second failed armed robbery attempt. Having a profound lack of common sense and believing third time's the charm, Roscoe plans to rob the popular local pastry shop, Duncan's Doughnuts.
Expert ("Danny," Ex-Convict): People get into crime thinking it's gonna be the easy way. Let me tell it to you straight, there ain't no easy way. Success as a criminal is just as demanding if not more so than success at an honest profession. The difference, moral and legal considerations aside, is the occupational hazards. Things law-abiding folks almost never have to worry about are a fact of life if you choose to be a crook.
Narrator: And Roscoe was about to run afoul of one of the many hazards of his numerous bad life choices. After donning a bright orange ski mask, he charges into the store brandishing a dangerously realistic looking toy gun, loudly announces his intention to rob the place...
[Shotgun blast sound effect, blood splatters the camera]
Narrator: ...And then loses his head. Literally.
Narrator: If Roscoe had taken the time to research his target, he would've known that the owner, Duncan, had been robbed before, was a card-carrying member of the National Rifle Association, and kept a loaded Remington 870 shotgun under the counter, within reach of the cash register.
Expert (Mike, Firearms Dealer/Shooting Range Owner): A 12 gauge shotgun is extremely lethal as a close range weapon. Ever see what buckshot or a rifled slug does to a ballistics gel head at close range? Yeah, that's death; you're not surviving that.
Narrator: No sooner did Roscoe demand all the money in the till that he took nine pellets of buckshot to the face at point blank range. His head was reduced to the consistency of chunky salsa dip and the rest of him hit the floor with a thud.
Narrator: It somehow seems fitting that Roscoe's last act on Earth was attempting to rob a doughnut shop, because in the end he got... greased.
End Title Card: Way To Die #1005: Donut Mess With Duncan
Narrator: Coming up, on 1000 More Ways To Die: a helium thief with an inflated opinion of himself, and two morons play chicken with a truck full of poultry...