Chapter 5: Monster

"BELLA!" Alice roared and flew down the staircase, a wild look in her eyes. "Why has your future disappeared again?"

Edward and I broke apart, but to my relief he still held onto me. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Alice. I haven't even thought of him, let alone decided anything." I looked up anxiously at Edward as he read Alice's mind; I couldn't be sure what he was seeing.

The rest of the family, emerging from various parts of the house, congregated around us to see what the commotion was about. It was rare for Alice to be in such a tizzy.

"I thought the wolves died out?" Edward directed his question at Carlisle.

"It appears they haven't. We think that our presence has triggered something in them that brought it back. I've already spoken to Billy Black about—"

"Laurent? Killed by—Bella, what the hell happened?" Even though he asked me, he glared at Alice.

"Well… what do you know?" I wasn't sure where to start. I had assumed Alice or someone else had filled him in already, if not on his way here then right now.

"All I was told was that Alice was on her way back here and you were being turned. Nothing about who or how." Edward shifted to glare at Rosalie now. "Since I arrived, everyone has been focusing on anything but what happened," he glared again at Alice. "And, I still can't read your mind," he added, his eyes returning to mine like he was willing my mind to open up to him.

"Just doing as I was told," Rosalie shrugged. I had thought she was beautiful when I was human, but seeing her now, in the light of the setting sun, I knew she was truly the most gorgeous creature I had ever laid eyes on. "It was the least dramatic way to get him here," she explained to me.

I nodded in understanding and tried to organize my thoughts. "I had gone for a hike. I was looking for… our meadow. I was hoping being there would let me feel close to you again," I felt embarrassed, pathetic, as I explained, staring down at our hands rather than at Edward. The embarrassed heat of a blush I expected never came. No one else moved or interjected; I guess they hadn't gotten the whole story, either.

"It wasn't… Laurent was there. He was surprised that you had left me here, alone and unprotected. He said he was checking up on me, as a favor for Victoria, because she wants revenge, mate for mate," I took a quick peek at Edward. His face was stoney, black eyes hard and far off, his hand squeezing mine hard. "He was about to kill me, I felt his teeth in my neck." Edward let out a low, pained, and angry sound. Before I could continue he pulled me into another hug, again chanting "I'm sorry," and "this is all my fault." The backs of my eyes pricked again as I wondered for the hundredth time if he hated me now.

Alice cleared her throat and Edward loosened his grip enough for me to wriggle out of his embrace and put a tiny bit of distance between us.

"In an instant he was gone. I truly thought I was dead, but then I heard howling wolves and…" I hesitated. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share that I had been hearing Edward's voice in my head. I felt delusional enough without outright admitting it to everyone else. "...and I felt the pain, the same burning as when James bit me last year. So I ran. Here. I knew I couldn't go home to Charlie and that this was likely the safest place to be." I shrugged, rushing through the ending, hoping Alice would jump in.

"I haven't seen much of anything about Bella, especially because I had been trying not to look," she gave a quick, pointed glare to Edward. "Her transformation was so unexpected and forceful it broke through. I saw Laurent, then Bella waking up, alone, so Jasper and I dropped everything and got here as fast as possible. I had Rose call you and be as vague as possible, I couldn't be sure you wouldn't do anything drastic if you knew more."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand, becoming utterly still for a long moment. "I thought you were coming here to turn her. I almost didn't come because I was so angry that you would go behind my back like that."

My frozen heart twisted at his words. I slipped my hand from his and pulled my arms back around myself, my mind spinning.

"Honestly, I was seriously considering it. I wasn't the only one," I heard Alice spit back. Edward's eyes snapped open and glared at Alice, Carlisle, Emmet, and Jasper.

"You truly never wanted me like this," I whispered and shut my eyes tight. I knew his being here was too good to be true. I could feel my head shaking back and forth as I tried desperately to choke back more sobs.

"Bella," his voice was still hard, but softer than it had been when he spoke to Alice. "I never wanted you to be a monster, a killer."

My eyes flew open and I stared, helpless and hurt, at Edward. I was sprinting out the back door before I had even really thought to, yet again the backs of my eyes pricking with shame and tears that will never flow. I knew it was too much to hope for him to love me this way, especially after I so mercilessly slaughtered a hiker.

Seeing the hiker's face in my mind sent me reeling again; I didn't know his name, or if he was a good person, or who would be looking for him when he didn't return home. Who would find his body? Who would be blamed for it? Should I turn myself in?

I finally stopped running when I reached a low mountain peak and screamed into the open air, looking for any kind of release from this emotional torment. I ripped a limb from a nearby free and hurled it as far as I could out over the cliff face, watching it crash into a copse of trees, and screamed again.

"Bella?" Alice's tentative voice came from behind me. "It's just me. Everyone else is giving Edward a thorough chewing out."

"What am I going to do, Alice? He doesn't really want me, not like this, not after I killed that man." All the energy drained from my body as my arms encircled my torso again. I didn't even feel like crying anymore. "I should go to Alaska, so you can have your family back together."

"Absolutely not. You're my sister and you're part of this family, too. You have been since the day Edward fell in love with you."

I started to protest, but Alice cut me off and came to stand next to me, "I know. We were all idiotic, Edward especially, to abandon you like we did. It tore us all up, but we thought supporting Edward was best. Clearly, we were wrong. At the very least, I never should have cut contact. I knew what it would do to you, and I did it anyway. I am deeply sorry for that, and I will never forgive myself for not treating you as a full member of the family. That will never happen again if you let us back into your life, though I understand if you can't after all this."

"Of course I forgive you, Alice. You and the rest of them. Edward, too, but if he doesn't love me, if he doesn't want me now, I don't think I can stand to be around him, hanging around as an unrequited love he can't get away from. I don't want to split up your family, either, so I guess I'll just… go to Alaska, if your cousins will have me."

"You're not going anywhere, Bella. You are a part of this family. Edward may be an insensitive, self-righteous asswipe, but he does love you and wants to be with you, human or vampire." I could feel Alice's stare burning into the side of my face; I knew she was right, but I was having a hard time admitting it to myself. Edward had left me once. He would do it again, especially now that I was the monster he was so vehemently opposed to me becoming.

"He said he never wanted me to be a killer, and this morning I slaughtered a man, drank his blood, without the conscious decision to do so. I'm a monster."

"If you're a monster, then so am I. As are Emmett and Esme. The three of us have all slipped up several times. Jasper and Edward both chose a traditional diet at one point. If you're a monster for following your instincts on the first day of your new life, then the rest of us are monsters, too." Alice lifted her chin, daring me to contradict her. I couldn't.

"It still doesn't change how Edward feels about me," I protested.

"Listen to me," Alice grabbed my shoulders and waited until I held her gaze. "Edward is stupid and puts his foot in his mouth more often than not, but he loves you. He struggles with what we are, but it doesn't change how much he loves you. If you aren't ready to forgive him yet for everything he's done, that's fine. But neither of you are leaving this family. Understood?"

My shoulders dropped as the built up tension began to dissipate and I let Alice's words seep into me. "Understood."

"Good. Now, let's get back. I really don't like us being separated when there are holes in my vision." She held out her hand to me and I slowly uncoiled my arms with a deep sigh and placed my palm in hers. We took off back to the house at a full sprint. I plucked away at a daisy in my mind; he loves me, he loves me not, and landed on he loves me as we reached the back deck of the house.

Hey there! Sorry it's been so long. I decided to get another degree and haven't written anything besides academic papers in the last 3 years. I finally feel the creative (writing) spark and picked up Nightfall again. I'm already working on chapter 6; hopefully it won't take 3 years to post!

p.s. I also edited and update the other 4 chapters, mostly for some spelling and grammatical issues, but there are a few new lines as well. Enjoy!