A/N

Trigger warning: self harm / mental health / suicide

Again medical talk in this chapter which probably isn't true to life, but this is fiction!

Chapter 14

Sometimes he'd watch Steven while he slept, when it was just the two of them, when the boy was dead to the world. He'd watch his chest as it slowly moved up and down, his slightly parted plump lips that his tongue would dart out and lick every so often. His long sooty lashes that flickered as his eyes moved in his sleep, he'd wonder what he was dreaming about, was it a good dream? An abstract one? A bad one?

This is when he was at his most vulnerable, there was always a vulnerability about the boy, even with his sometimes fiery attitude but his pretences were down when he slept. He knew from the beginning that it was all front, a defence mechanism mixed with frustration at the way people disregarded him. He'd watch him and think about all the bad things that had happened to him, all the things that could happen to him and all the things he himself had done to the boy, and continued to do to him. He didn't know why he felt so strongly for Steven, he didn't know why he needed to keep him safe but he did and he knew he'd never feel any differently.

He was being roused from sleep by someone kicking his foot, he scrunched his face up and squinted from behind his hand which was covering his eyes from the irritating light.

"Haven't you got a home to go to?" Walker mused

"I own this place, this is my home" he grumbled.

"Sleeping on the sofa in your own 'home', have you been a naughty boy Brendan?"

He ignored Walker and dragged himself up to a sitting position, the room was spinning, his head pounding, he blew out a long breath.

"Coffee? Water? Morphine?" Walker joked

He stood and walked to the sink behind the bar and splashed his face with water, he steadied himself on the basin.

"Not trouble in paradise already is it?"

"What?"

"You and Kevin" he gestured to the sofa "this has all the marks of a lovers tiff"

"Fuck off Walker"

"Meow" Walker laughed as he started taking stock of the bar.

After moving from the sofa into the office and collapsing onto the chair, he nodded off for a bit longer. When he woke up again he started to search for his phone, he patted his jacket pockets down for it but it wasn't there, he walked around the office and searched the desk, still nothing. He walked back out and looked around the sofa and coffee table, no luck. Ash was working today, emptying the dishwasher.

"Have you seen my phone?"

"What?"

"My. Phone." he punctuated

"Is that it on the bar?"

There it was, which was odd because he hadn't seen it when he went to the sink earlier. He could see a bunch of missed calls from Lyndsey which he ignored, he looked at his messages, several read one's from her too, he didn't remember them so he must have opened them when he was drunk.

From: Lyndsey

01:45 Where have you gone? Come back Brendan.

01:51 You've got this wrong, please come home and we can talk about this.

06:38 I don't have to leave for work for another hour, I can meet you.

07:30 Ste self harming is a cry for help, he needs his friends. He's not well, I need you to see that.

09:49 I've seen him, he's awake. Please come and just speak to him. He's on the Dicken's ward, Bay 7. They're keeping him in for a few days.

12:30 Call me Brendan!

He groaned and rubbed his eyes, he couldn't face this now and he had the strong urge to start drinking again. The memory of Stevens' cut up arm and him lying in the bed lifeless was all too fresh in his mind.

He was angry at Steven for doing this, he was disappointed in Stevens' weakness, he always thought he was strong, after everything he'd been through he always got right back up when life knocked him down. This was unforgivable, he'd almost gotten himself killed by a god damn infection, left Leah and Lucas without a dad, left him without, whatever, all because he was a bit sad about things. It was pathetic

He was going to tell him exactly that, he was going to go back to that hospital and knock some sense into the boy, literally if he had to. He wasn't going to let him carry on with this nonsense, not for another minute.

He grabbed his blazer and car keys and made his way to the exit

"And where are you going?"

He turned to see Ash looking disgruntled.

"Last time i checked you work for me, not the other way round"

"Well we open in an hour, am I meant to be doing everything by myself?" she retorted sulkily.

"That's what Walker's for" he proceeded to the door

"Well he's not here"

"Where is he?"

"Don't know, he left as soon as i got here"

For Christ's sake, he couldn't deal with this now.

"Rhys will be here soon, call him if you need him earlier"

He didn't wait for her reply and took off down the stairs and headed for his car.

He thought of all the things he was going to say to Steven when he saw him, he was going to make sure the boy was so scared of him he'd never even think of doing anything as stupid as putting a blade to his skin again. He was going to make him grow up and act like a man, deal with your problems by downing whisky and getting into a fight if you need to, you don't hurt yourself. He was going to fix him.

He spent the 20 minute drive to the hospital drumming his anxious hands on the steering wheel, he had too much unspent energy coursing around his body. He could see Lyndsey calling him again, he wasn't going to pick up, she could leave a message. After he parked he made his way to the main entrance of the hospital, before he could get to the doors he saw a group of people forming in front of him in the road and noticed they were looking up at something. He looked up briefly before carrying on inside, he had places to be.

Inside was busy, too busy even for a hospital, frantic almost, this wasn't A&E it shouldn't be like this. He started to look at the signs for the Dickens ward, it must be here somewhere

"Brendan!" he turned to see Lyndsey hurtling towards him "you're here!"

He went to tell her that he was going to speak to him and he didn't need her assistance or words of wisdom, but something in the way she was looking at him made him stop.

She grabbed hold of his arm

"Thank god you're here! Come on, they'll let you up"

"Who?"

"Security"

She was dragging him down the hall after her

"Lyndsey! What's going on?!" he yanked his arm back causing her to stop

"You got my message?"

"I didn't have a chance to listen to it, what's going on?" he said more forcefully.

She looked at him panic-stricken

"It's Ste, he went missing and now he's on the roof, he's stood on the ledge"

He heard the words, heard them clear as day but it's like they weren't landing, they were not making sense. He pushed Lyndsey back so she was ams length away, and took a laboured breath. Once he had his senses, the panic set in.

"Take me there!"

She resumed her run and took him through an emergency exit past several security guards and two nurses,

"He knows him, he can help, he's the only one who can help" she shouted at the people they passed.

He overtook her on the stairs as he began sprinting up. He smashed through the roof door when he reached the top floor. Steven was in front of him, bare feet on the raised ledge, in hospital garments. The sight was like being hit with a sledgehammer in the chest.

"STEVEN!" he screamed

The boy looked back at him, he looked so young, so fragile.

"Steven, what are you doing? Get down!"

"It's ok, it's all going to be ok" Steven called back softly

There was nothing ok about this sight. Nothing. Lyndsey appeared at his side just as flustered as he was.

"Ste please, just step down so we can talk" Lyndsey tried to reason

"I can't, we've got to go" Steven wasn't looking at them, he was looking next to him, into thin air.

"Steven, stop messing around, get down!"

Lyndsey looked at him desperately, she wanted to approach this softly, that wasn't his style.

"I will be" Steven was still looking beside him

"You will be what?" Lyndsey was edging towards him from the side, so he could see her coming.

"No, he won't, i know now, i understand"

What was he talking about? He wasn't making any sense.

"Understand what?" Lyndsey was getting closer.

"Who are you talking to?"

Steven didn't reply.

"STEVEN! Who are you talking to?!" he screamed

Steven looked around at him again, with a smile on his face. He loved that smile.

"Rae, i'm talking to Rae"

Lyndsey looked over at him with horror on her face, she looked how he felt. Steven was talking to someone who was dead, Steven thought he was talking to someone who was dead. His dead ex-girlfriend, the girl who had miscarried Stevens baby, the girl who Steven had cheated on with him, the girl he'd gone to prison for murdering.

This was worse than what he thought it was, this was something else entirely and right now Steven was in grave danger. He moved behind Steven, in the opposite direction he was looking in, he signalled to Lyndsey distract him and keep him talking.

"What's she saying?"

"I'm not supposed to say. You'll ruin it"

"Why would I do that?"

"It's all going to be over now, you don't need to worry"

"I'd worry a lot less if you moved away from the edge. Then we can chat, all of us"

"We need to go" Stevens' voice was small.

He was edging around, making as little noise as possible, petrified one wrong move would startle Steven and he'd fall right in front of his eyes.

"Just a few more minutes, think about Leah and Lucas" Lyndsey's voice was desperately pleading with him.

Stevens' resolve seemed to break a bit at that, he hesitated.

"I'm not, she's not, i won't" he cried

"Ste, its ok, don't get upset" Lynsey said calmly

"It can stop now"

This was his chance, he lunged forward and grabbed the back of Stevens top, yanking him off the ledge. He let out a yelp as they both crashed to the floor and he rolled them so he was pinning Steven to the floor on his front and he was lying on top of him with his arms wrapped tightly around the boy.

"No!" Steven screamed, he started crying and thrashing his body around.

"Stop! Don't touch me, don't touch me!" He kept repeating those words over and over as he sobbed uncontrollably under him, but he just held the boy tighter and tighter, he couldn't let him go, he could never let him go. Not now.

…

He hated school, he was called into the headmasters office more times than he could even remember, fighting mainly, back chatting, stealing, smoking, you name it he did it. It would always play out the same way, he'd be sat on an uncomfortable wooden chair in the middle of the office, whilst Mr O'Hagan refused to look at him. The man would shuffle through his paperwork, making notes and looking over his glasses at him every so often, trying to build that tension before he started to berate him or tell him what a disappointment he was.

That's what it felt like sitting in this doctor's office on a metal chair, his leg nervously bouncing and his fingers twitching on his lap. Silent tension filled the room as the doctor tapped away at her keyboard, he didn't think he'd ever been more nervous than he was right now, waiting for her to deliver the news he was dreading.

Amy fidgeted in her set next to him and it seemed to remind the Doctor that the pair of them were waiting on tenterhooks in front of her.

"Apologies to both of you, this has been somewhat of an emergency and i needed to get all the details in front of me, as i said when you came in i'm Dr Gallimore, you're Steven's family members?"

"I'm Amy, me and Ste aren't together anymore but we have two kids together, we're very close still"

Dr Gallimore nodded and then looked at him.

He coughed nervously trying to avoid the glare he could feel from Amy.

"Bredan Brady, i'm a friend"

"Ok and I understand it was you that got Steven off the ledge?"

"Yes"

"How is he? What's happening to him" Amy's voice was hoarse, he could tell she'd been crying.

"We believe he's suffering from an episode of psychosis. Our on-call Dr managed to sedate him on the roof and he's in a private room right now, we have unfortunately had to restrain him as we believe he is currently a danger to himself."

"Oh god" Amy gasped before covering her mouth with her hands "is he hurt?"

"He sustained a few minor injuries when he was pulled from the ledge and restrained and we were already treating the cuts on his arms, other than that, physically he's fine"

"And mentally?" he croaked.

The Dr took a deep breath. "Once he's awake he will need to be properly assessed to try and understand the root of the psychotic episode. I have checked his files and there's no history of mental illness on his file."

"No, nothing like that." Amy confirmed.

"Like I say, he will need to be assessed and have tests to confirm, but an episode of psychosis can be brought on by another condition such as Bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, depression or it could be due to severe stress or trauma. There seems to be a pattern forming with his self-harming and this bout of psychosis. Is there anything happening in his life currently that this could be down to?"

"Erm… um" Amy's voice broke and she sniffed, he turned to face her and saw the tears rolling down her cheeks.

"He couldn't find work at the beginning of the year for a while, that was stressful, he started a new business with his friend and I know that had its stresses but its doing really well, they are doing really well, he's proud of it. And erm, i er started a new job in manchester so i moved out of the flat we shared with the kids and i know that was hard for him but he speaks to them all the time and it's not that far"

She was speaking between sobs, he could see the guilt written all over her face. He recognised it because it was the same guilt he was feeling, wondering how much his actions, taunts and meddling contributed to Steven's stress. He reached out and held her hand, she looked at him in surprise but didn't shake him off.

"What happens now doc?" he asked

"We'll give him medication that should get the current symptoms under control and then he'll undergo psychological therapy to address the cause and then depending on what that may be, he might need to be on life long medication to control it."

It all felt so alien listening to this matter of fact description of multiple mental disorders that a 21 year old boy could have and the life long implications they might have, when the person they were talking about was Steven.

"What's psychological therapy?" Amy queried

"Hour long therapy sessions once a week with a psychological doctor"

"Hold on, that's it? Dose him up and then he sees a shrink once a week? he 's talking to dead people, He's cutting his arms to ribbons, he just tried to throw himself off a roof! And that's all he gets?" he spat

"Brendan" Amy warned

"No, no, it's fine. I understand your frustration" Dr Gallimore removed her glasses before laying her hands on her desk. "It's no secret that mental health services are vastly underfunded within the NHS due to years of spending cuts alongside increased need and demand for treatment. The NHS is almost on its knees as it is, unfortunately we just don't have the resources or the facilities to treat people more thoroughly"

She was genuine in her empathy, that much he could tell. She probably saw this week in week out, distraught family and friends overwhelmed by their loved ones diagnosis with no idea how to help, feeling useless, he was that person right now.

"What about private?"

"Private facilities you mean?"

He nodded

"Well yes there are a number of facilities that would be able to support his needs within the country. In Fact there's a very good one close to here, I've worked with them a number of times myself. I will warn you, they're not cheap"

"We can't afford to go private" Amy interjected and he raised his hand to halt her protests.

"You would recommend this place?" he clarified.

"Yes, yes I would. He would be able to stay there for as long as they need to treat him. Its more like a rehabilitation retreat than a hospital if I'm honest. One on one therapy sessions daily, cognitive behavioural therapy sessions, group therapy. They can move around fairly freely, it's situated in lovely large grounds that they can use. I've seen some of the best long term results come from this place. It's called Clairmont Park, if you're serious about this, I can make some calls now and see if they could have a space for him as early as tomorrow or Friday."

"Make the call, please" he looked the doctor dead in the eye.

She excused herself and instructed she'd be back shortly.

Amy turned to him as soon as the door clicked shut.

"We can't afford this"

"I'll pay for it"

"Ste won't be able to pay you back, you know that"

"I don't want him to. I want him to have the best care, I want him to get better. That's all i want" he looked into her eyes as honestly as he could. He needed her to understand that, he needed her to trust him, she had every reason not to, but the look on her face showed him that she did.

She nodded and looked forward again and they sat together in silence, his hand still on hers.

…..

Dr Gallimore had managed to get Steven a place at Clairmont Park 2 days later, the facility were transporting him there themselves from the hospital, they'd be able to finish off his antibiotics course and start him on their treatment plan as soon as he got there.

He'd spoken with Clairmont Park directly to pay the deposit and set up the direct debit needed but he'd told them to deal directly with Amy going forward. Amy despised him, she had for years and perhaps it was warranted, so her being civil with him must go against every fibre of her being but she showed up that friday evening on her way back from Clairmont.

He had no idea she was planning on stopping by, Cheryl had gone to the club to manage the night because he couldn't face it and Lyndsey had a night shift. Lyndsey had had to take over explaining every excruciating detail of what had happened and what was going to happen with Steven to Cheryl, they were close friends and she was worried sick but he just didn't have it in him to go over it all again. She'd finally agreed to leave him when Amy had appeared at the house.

"Tea?" he offered, it was kind of their thing.

"Please. I would have thought you were on the harder stuff"

He gave her a resigned smile and made his way to the kitchen to put the kettle on. "Still milk no sugar?"

She nodded.

Once the kettle had boiled he made their teas and placed the cup and saucers at each end of the kitchen table as they took their respective seats.

"Did he get settled alright?"

"Yes, it's a nice place, not what I expected at all. You wouldn't even know it was a hospital. He has his own room, with a nice view, he's allowed pictures and stuff so i took some of the kids, they're not allowed to visit him whilst he's there."

"He's ok with that?" he asked in concern. Steven loved those kids more than anything.

"I think he'd prefer it" she nodded sadly "until he's more himself, you know?"

They sipped their tea in silence.

"I took his toiletries and some clothes and that too. I went to see Doug and Tony today and explained what I could. I know Lyndseys up to speed and I'm sure Cheryl is too, but if we could keep this between us for now I think that would be better."

He hummed in agreement "you might want to keep it schtum from Micheala then, if she finds out we may as well put up a billboard in the village".

She gave a faint smile.

"We're not allowed to visit for the first week, they said they always recommend that. It gives him a chance to settle in and for them to focus on treatment and get his routine sorted. His antibiotics will be finished by then but he might still be on the psych meds."

They both shifted uncomfortably at the mention of them.

"They needed two emergency contact details so i gave mine as the first and yours as the secondary, hope that's ok."

"Yeah, fine".

"Visiting days are Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday, 12-5pm. It's pretty informal once you're in there but you have to be on an approved visitor list, you wont get through security if you're not on it."

She was talking quickly, her voice high, barely pausing for breath. She was nervous, anxious but it had nothing to do with him. She was worried about Steven, immensely worried but putting a brave face on, he had to commend her for that.

"I'm going to come as much as I can and my dads going to help out with the kids, but with my course and work it's going to be tricky. Saturday and Sunday should be fine and then maybe you and Doug could take one of the other days each? I'm sure Cheryl and Tony will want to go at some point too so hopefully he won't be short of company" she gave a weak smile.

He shifted in his seat awkwardly.

"I don't think I'll be able to see him much, or at all. Work's busy" he downed the rest of his tea and avoided eye contact. Even without looking directly at her he could see the surprise and confusion on her face.

"But.. I thought. You don't want to see him?"

"Someone's got to make the money to pay for the place he's in" he replied curtly, regretting it immediately.

She looked away uneasily. "If you've changed your mind, we'll understand. It's a lot of money, he'll still get help if we go through the NHS."

He had more than enough money to pay for Clairmont, that wasn't the issue in the slightest.

"No, no sorry. It's fine, I want to pay for it, I want him to get the best help. It's been a long couple of days for both of us."

She nodded and looked at her watch. "It means alot. If you're busy he'll understand, there's other people, he probably doesn't need a visitor on every visiting day anyway, might be overwhelming for him".

She was making excuses for him and they both knew it. If he wasn't paying for the facility she'd probably be tearing into him about how he was one of the reasons Steven was where he was and she'd be right to.

"Are you staying at the flat tonight?" He changed the subject.

"No, i've got to go for the bus in a bit actually to make my train"

"I'll call you a cab"

"No it's fine, you've done enough"

"Just let me, you can get back to Leah and Lucas quicker"

She gave a flat lined smile and nodded.

"Thank you"

He walked her to the door once the taxi arrived.

"I guess there's no need to put you down on the approved visitors list then" her voice went up at the end of the sentance, it was a question, a chance for him to change his mind on seeing Steven, he ignored the implication.

"Yep. i hope this works out for him"

She looked momentarily shocked at his coldness but she masked it quickly with a civil nod before walking out.

He could never be anything other than Brendan Brady; cold, detached, disinterested. Unloving and unloveable in equal measure.

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