What the hell?
That was John B.'s first thought upon catching a glimpse of the hot tub in the backyard. His second one was that it was eerily quiet as he entered the chateau to see Pope and Kiara, both of his friends' eyes a little bit red and puffy. "Hey, um, where the fuck did the hot tub come from?"
"J.J.," Kiara said. "He bought it. For us."
"Oh," John B. said. "Where is J.J.?"
"Out by the dock," Pope said. "He had this extremely emotional breakdown, John B. He was crying, and he's bruised up."
Shit was John B.'s subsequent thought as his eyes made out J.J.'s figure in the dark.
"He told us he wanted to be alone," Kiara said.
Fuck that. John B. went out the back door and followed the path toward J.J., taking a spot on the ground beside him. "Hey, man. Heard you took a taste of luxury tonight."
"Something like that," J.J. said.
John B. recognized the shirt J.J. wore as his own, its unbuttoned edge not completely covering the bruises on his torso. "J.J., what happened, bro?"
"The same thing that always happens. It's nothin' new, J.B. What? Did Pope and Kie tell you that you missed the theatrics? Did they tell you about my moving performance in a hot tub, of all places?"
"They told me you were hurt and upset."
J.J. gave a humorless chuckle. "So that's all it comes down to, huh? Hurt and upset. Like I scraped my knee after a bully pushed me down on the sidewalk. Like my dad didn't just beat the living daylights out of me for trying to do something right for a change. I thought he'd want to use the money for the restitution, you know? But he was just going to blow it on himself. So I beat him to it. I took back the control."
"By spending all of it on a hot tub?"
"Hell, yeah. But it's for you, J.B. And Pope and Kie. My real family. Fuck my dad. Fuck Luke. I don't need him."
John B. touched the borrowed shirt, pulling it away a bit as his eyes focused on the bruises. "These look painful as shit, Jay."
"I fought back this time, man. So it's not as bad as it could've been."
"Still. He did a number on you."
J.J. jerked away from John B., covering his bruises by buttoning the shirt. "Are you saying I didn't defend myself? That I'm a wimp or a pussy or-"
"No. Of course not, J.J." John B. noted how his friend's hands shook as he fidgeted with the buttons, barely getting them done enough to hide the bruising. "I'm just saying he really hurt you."
"Well, maybe I deserved it, huh? You didn't want me to take that money in the first place, so maybe you think I deserved to get my ass beat again anyway."
"I could never think that bullshit about you." Seeing how J.J. was looking away from him, John B. laid a hand on his best friend's face, making their eyes meet. "No, I didn't want you to take the money, but that was only because I don't want you in danger or to keep doing reckless shit. But you never, ever deserve for your dad to hit you. I don't give a damn what you did. How he treats you is never okay."
"I thought he was proud of me, John B. Just for a second, he seemed happy. Told me there was beer in the cooler. Like we could just hang out and be father and son. But then he was talking about a sale. Spending the money on something else. So I tried to take it back from him, and that's when he started beating me up. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep expecting him to love me when he never will."
John B. didn't want to point out how Luke Maybank going to the police with 25K in cash would've looked way too suspicious anyway or how twisted the man's mind must be to take pride in J.J. stealing. Yet, he knew that's how Luke's approval would be earned. He couldn't be proud of J.J. taking the fall for Pope, of his loyalty to his friend. No, that had only made him angry. But his son could show up with wads of cash, and he'd accept it without question, not caring about its origins or J.J.'s safety. "But we love you, Jay. Not because of anything you can do for us either. Just because we always know where your heart is."
"That's an interesting thought to have right now, J.B."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." J.J.'s gaze turned to the dock, feeling John B.'s hand slide down to his shoulder at the same time his eyes focused in on the HMS Pogue. He remembered how he and John B. had spent so much extra time out on the water after Big John had been declared lost at sea, his best friend convinced that his dad had to be out there somewhere. "Where was my heart when I wanted to kill my dad? I've come close to it twice now. So where was my heart during those times?"
"On trying to protect yourself," John B. said. "On wanting to be safe."
"But I was angry too. I wanted him to be dead. How could I want my own father to die?" J.J.'s eyes filled with tears for the second time that night, only he didn't attempt to deny the emotion as he turned to face John B. "You don't have your dad here anymore, Bree. So how can I be like this? I have something you don't, so I should be thankful, right?"
"No, J.J. You shouldn't be thankful for him. Because he's not a dad. He's just Luke, the man who hurts you. I know some part of you loves him, but it's okay to hate him for abusing you. I miss my dad, but that doesn't mean you have to pretend this is all right. I don't expect you to see anything differently because of my dad being gone. Luke is still a bastard who doesn't deserve the son he has, and he should be ashamed of himself."
"Then how come I am, huh? Why do I feel bad about myself if I'm such a great son? I feel like a lousy fuckin' friend too, J.B. 'Cause I'm crying about my dad when you don't even know if yours is ever coming back."
John B. pulled J.J. into his arms, seeing the hot tub and the fairy lights behind them as he soothed his friend. "Shh. It's okay. You feel bad because of how he's treated you and because life dealt you a shitty hand when it comes to parents. But that's not your fault, Jay, and I don't blame you for hurting right now."
J.J. clung to John B., the shelter he found in his best friend's embrace providing both solace and the saving grace he so desperately needed. "I'm sorry I made you mad before."
"Mad? What are you talking about?"
"When I went to the dealer's house. You were pissed when I was looking for the money and when I wouldn't put it back."
John B. had been angry then, but as he felt J.J.'s tears soaking his shirt, his friend's battered body pressed to his own, that emotion seemed so far away, especially when he looked at the hot tub J.J. had proclaimed a gift to his chosen family. "But I'm not mad now, bro. Staying mad at you never has worked for me anyway, and I know you were just trying to make up for us almost getting shot."
J.J. shuddered at the memory of being setup, feeling John B's head nuzzle his as he continued to hold on to the person who was his safest, most steady place in the world. "Some of that cash was my dad's anyway. So it should be mine. They're profiting off his addiction and other peoples' too. Maybe he'd even be better without the drugs."
John B. doubted it, sure that, while cocaine did exacerbate Luke's problems, drugs were only a mere fraction of the issues the man had as far as how he treated J.J. But John B. couldn't take this sliver of hope from his friend, this concept that Luke's love for him was stained by addiction, but there nevertheless. So the Routledge boy chose to let the comment be, focusing his attention on giving J.J. the care he needed from him. "I love you, J.J. And I know Luke says it to you sometimes, but he doesn't show it. They're just words to him, but this" -John B. stopped, emphasizing his meaning by holding the boy he considered his brother a little tighter- "this is love. It's protecting each other, being there to listen. It's getting angry when the person you care most about does stupid shit because he loves you back. It's going along with hunting for the gold, even when things are dangerous."
J.J. didn't miss how, this time, when John B. spoke of loving him, he put 'I' in place of 'we,' the truth of their bond also coming through in the admission that J.J. was the person he cared about above anyone else. "I love you too, Bree. It sounds a little pathetic after your speech there, but it's all I've got."
John B. broke the embrace, his hands coming down to rest lightly on J.J.'s wrists. "And it's all I need, Jay. 'Cause I already know. That's why I mentioned it in my speech, as you called it. I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier, man. I should've been."
J.J. shrugged, as if showing up at the chateau to find that John B. wasn't there had already become normal, as if he'd gotten used to the idea of his best friend living with Ward Cameron. "You're here now. What about Sarah?"
"What about her? She's at home."
"No. I mean..." J.J. let himself trail off, feeling the weight of insecurity as it tried to convince him he couldn't indulge in yet another moment of transparency, couldn't expect any more of his friends than he'd already been given.
"What is it? What else are you thinking about?"
"What you just told me. How can I be the person you care most about when you have Sarah now? She's your girlfriend, so I guess I just thought that, well..."
"J.J." John B. said it almost like an admonishment, only not quite, as every bit of affection he felt for the other boy bled into his voice. "No once can change your place in my life, bud. I love Sarah, yeah. I might even be falling in love with her. But it's like you just said, you're my family. We've shared everything since we were kids, and nobody can replace that."
"I'm sorry, J.B. I don't know where this shit is coming from. I'm not usually such a pussy who can't handle his best friend having a love life. I don't know why the hell I'm being so emotional."
"I do." John B. was intimately familiar with not only his own life situation, but also J.J.'s, the trials of both leaving little room to wonder how they'd be especially attached to each other. "We haven't had much stability in our lives, man. Neither of us has."
"That's the understatement of the century."
John B. could see just a glimpse of J.J.'s usual snark, taking that as a positive sign. "Uh-hu. Now shut up, and let me finish."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
John B. chuckled as he gave J.J.'s shoulder a light shove, his arm then settling around him. "As I was saying, we haven't had much we can count on, but we've always had each other. So it's just hard when something changes."
"Yeah. It is."
As John B. felt J.J. lean on him, he decided to be more direct, wanting his friend to have every piece of what he'd come over to pursue. "But what I feel for Sarah is a different kind of love, you know? The way I feel about you isn't the same as what I feel when it comes to her."
"Well, I hope not. 'Cause I damn sure don't want you looking at me and getting a hard-on."
"All right. That's... one aspect. But my point is, I can't compare the two. I can't say I love Sarah more because she's my girlfriend, and I can't love you any less for that reason either. I'm dating a girl now, but nothing changed between us, J.J. I still care about you the most as my friend and brother because what we have is so much a part of me that I wouldn't be myself without it. Maybe it's something we don't really talk about, but I can see how it would be hard for you to accept the kind of love that stays, the kind that doesn't depend on what's happening or whether somebody's high or in a shitty mood."
"The kind that's real." J.J. felt John B.'s arm as it remained around him, a symbol of the constant warmth that always held them together in the spirit of brotherhood. "And it never goes anywhere. It won't leave. Not even if you do fall in love with Sarah or if you keep living with Ward Cameron."
"Exactly, bud. Our friendship won't stop being important to me. In fact, I'll need it and you more than ever."
"You will?"
"Of course." John B. didn't miss how J.J.'s eyes had lit up at the prospect of being an even more integral part of his life, even if he wasn't aware of why that would be. "It's a lot of change for me too. A new relationship. Living somewhere else. I need to hold on to what we've always shared, and I want you to know you have a place here at the chateau, no matter where I am. You never have to stay with your dad. Do you understand?"
"Yeah. I got it, man." J.J. chose not to mention it, but he could see the tears that shone in John B.'s eyes, knowing his friend hadn't escaped the pull of emotion any more than he'd been able to himself. "And I get what you mean too. We both need to hold on to each other. 'Cause if your dad doesn't come back-"
"He will. Don't say that. He has to come back. He's my dad, and he wouldn't leave me. I know he wouldn't."
Putting aside the fact that Big John would not have any control over it if he was dead, J.J. responded the best way he knew how, especially given that John B. hadn't spared any effort in being there for him. "Okay. I'll believe with you then. 'Cause you, Pope, and Kie are all I have left. So I'll do anything you need me to do. I'll listen. I'll help you find the gold. I'll-"
"J.J." John B's face broke into a watery smile as he interrupted his friend, feeling J.J.'s hand where it now rested on his back. "All I need you to do is be yourself. Keep your heart where it's always been, and we'll both be just fine."