I sat at the table, periodically getting up to look out of the window. I had stayed up late, and it was nearly eleven; waiting for him, hoping he would get back safe. Many things had changed over the last two weeks, but not this. I wasn't very sure if this would ever change, this fear of him not being here.
I wrung my hands and gave a nervous little sigh. His dinner was waiting for him, near the stove to keep warm. Everyone else was asleep, their deep breathing filling the night with hushes and sighs.
I shouldn't be acting like this! He had told me this morning that he was going to be staying out late for a meeting, the first meeting since the massacre. He was fine, I shouldn't be worrying! I couldn't trick myself though, no matter how I tried, for I knew that deep down I fretted for nothing more than for him to be back home.
I sat up suddenly, moved by my own inner frustrations. I can't just sit around!
I paced about then, the floorboards creaking under my gait; it then evolved into me stoking the stove, though God knew it didn't need it. I went into the small bedroom to check on the girls, who snoozed despite my intrusion, splayed out with the newfound room that came from myself not being in bed with them. I stomped out and ended up back in the middle of the room, standing helplessly, looking about; anxiety being the fuel for it all. What if he never came home? What if he was hurt again?
He was not affected by any of these delusions, and walked through the door shortly afterwards; had walked in on me standing around looking like an absolute fool. He seemed to take no notice of this, and instead admonished, "You didn't need to stay up so late for me, Anetka."
"No matter to it," I shrugged.
He smiled a bit, walking up to me as I handed him his plate. "I'm serious, you didn't, I don't want you staying up late on account of me." He looked at me softly, taking my hand in his.
I felt embarrassed, him scolding me like some child. "I…I had to give you dinner." I said defensively, smoothing my apron with my hands to soothe my nerves.
"I would have found it fine." And with that, he leaned in and gave me a kiss on my cheek. He hadn't kissed me since the day I had accepted his proposal. It made my face flush, and I found that I couldn't move from where I stood, nor come up with any words to argue with him.
"Leon…I don't mind," I said at last.
He chuckled then, saying "Akh, your too stubborn to talk some sense to."
I shook my head at what he said and he smiled at me, though I could tell by his eyes that he was tired. A part of me wanted to be mad at him for saying such things, but another part of me was grateful that he did not know the truth, so I stayed silent to give him the impression that he was right.
He sat down to eat, and I didn't want to go to bed, not yet; something within me keeping me awake, tugging at me like a boat tied to a dock. Usually, I would have sat down beside him, talked to him, but I feared he would see through my guise, would see the real reason I stayed up late. Feeling bolder than before, now that he was here, I took an oil lamp outside to the cow shed to visit Buty and the kittens, the cold night air reddening my face and making me shiver.
I had Buty in my lap, was scratching under her chin, her kittens, now months old, surrounding me, when Leon came in.
He wordlessly sat down beside me, picked up one of the kittens and petted its small head. His knee was touching mine, that's how close he was to me then. I felt perturbed, him being here. I looked at him, saw how his eyes were droopy from want of sleep. Shouldn't he be going to bed?
"Aren't you tired?" I asked tentatively, daring to meet his eye.
"Aren't you?" He replied.
"No, I can't sleep," I turned my face away from him, trying to make sure that he couldn't discern the real reason. Unfortunately, he caught that.
"Anetka," He tried to meet my gaze, but I held fast, keeping my eyes on the dirt floor. "What's really the matter?"
I turned towards him now, plastering a small smile on my face, trying to make myself seem more believable, and said, "Nothing."
"Alright then," He said, feigning casualty.
I nodded, a poor way of confirming my answer, and we both continued on sitting there in silence; but instead of it being of the comfortable type, it instead left an edge to the atmosphere, so much so that I found myself glancing over at him occasionally, trying to gauge his true reaction.
I did this four or five times until he finally looked back at me, and when our eyes met he said, "What?"
I didn't miss a beat, quickly responding "Nothing."
Feigning normalcy was starting to get rather annoying.
He laughed and said, "You're lying. "
"I am not," I said defensively, straightening my posture.
"Anetka, I'm not going to force anything out of you, but whatever it is, you not saying anything isn't helping. If you let these things stew inside for long it will only end up worse than before. "
The sincerity in his voice grated at my nerves, making me snappy.
"Since when did you become a mentor? You don't know anything, and besides it is none of your business," I folded my hands tight in my lap now, so that the knuckles turned white, feeling frustrated. The cat in my lap nuzzled up against me, wanting to be pet again, but I was steadfast in my anger, ignoring them as they mewed.
The look he gave me told that I went too far, like I had struck him across the face. He sighed, putting the kitten he was holding down on the floor before getting up and saying, "Goodnight."
I felt as guilty as a dog that chews your shoes, watching him walk away. Worry started to creep up in me, the thought of him mad at me being the cause.
"You're leaving?" I asked, even though it was obvious.
"Yes, I'm tired." He replied, turning around to make his way out of the shed.
"Wait!" I called out, and with that, he turned around to face me. That worry had now risen, the urge to voice it too much
"You're not mad at me, are you?" I didn't mean to speak so low that I was whispering, but yelling certainly wasn't appropriate now.
"Why would I be?" He asked.
"Because I'm not telling you…" And suddenly I saw myself through his eyes. A brat, a stupid pest who did nothing but put misery on others who dared to care. I wanted to apologize then, to make him know that I didn't mean anything I said, but how could I do that when I had to hide the real reason?
I once again felt foolish and childish. I was just embarrassing myself, going on like this! I put Buty down on the floor beside me and stood up suddenly, tripping over my skirt and nearly falling on my face, Leon managing to catch me. I shrugged him off and with a huff I stomped my way past him and was about to go through the door when he grabbed my arm, making me stop.
"I didn't mean to upset you." And maybe he didn't, but I was done with trying to understand.
I faced him, and let loose what exactly I thought.
"Oh yes you did, you know exactly what you are doing! You-you enjoy it! You always loved teasing me, but why you do it now is beyond me! Leon you–you are so conceited in your ways! I sit in that–that stupid shanty waiting up for you, not because I'm foolish but because I think I should die of fear if I was in bed instead!"
My voice had went from a harsh whisper to near-breathless shouting. Stupid tears had fell from my eyes, resulting in me angrily swatting them off my face. Something in me had snapped then, had started to unravel my composure. I had practically gone mad. A high-pitched laugh came out of me, making me sound near demonic. "Is that what you want to hear?! The fact that I can't sleep when you're not home!"
After all was said and done, I stood there panting. The night was quiet, my previous shouting still settling in the air. I felt my face reddening, either from the cold or shame I could not tell. I couldn't see Leon's face very good at all right now, could only hear his soft breathing. He took a step back into the shed, taking my hand and pulling me in there with him. He shut the door behind me and pulled me close to him.
I felt his breath on my face, his chest pressed to mine. The small oil lamp left on the floor gave faint light now, allowing him to see the tears falling to my cheeks. He tried to use his thumb to wipe them, but I flinched, moving away. He cupped my face in his hand, using his other to snake around my waist and pull me even closer. Don't be afraid, he murmured into the crook of my neck.
And I had let him.
I didn't move away or start, I simply had let him do it with no fighting. It was very precarious, the way we were then, pressed against each other so close. If someone came in…
But no one would. It was very late now, and the door was closed. There wasn't even the risk of someone peeping through the windows, because there were none in cow sheds.
His voice softly spoke into the night air "Do you want to go back inside?"
"No," I said it a bit too quickly, making myself blush more.
He smiled and kissed me then, but it wasn't like the others. I had never been so close before, in his embrace like this. I leaned into it, letting his arm pull me closer to him. He kissed me deeply, pulled back for a moment, and kissed me again, leaving me breathless. His hands started to roam, started to go down to my bottom…or up, starting to palm my breast. I gasped, and leaned back against the door, breaking the contact.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have," he pulled back now, putting his hands up in front of him. "Sorry, sorry," His voice was genuine, but I couldn't help but be annoyed. Had he thought me too forward?
Most likely. Engaged or not, we shouldn't have been doing this.
"Leon, I should go inside now." Yes. Before I say something I would regret.
"Yes, alright, I'll…get to bed as well," He stuffed his hands in his pockets, the voluptuous mood from before long gone. "Anetka, I'm-"
"Yes, I know!" Lord knows I didn't need to be apologized to. "Let's just go inside now. Don't forget the lamp." I spoke quickly, nodding towards the beams of light coming from the little glass chimney on the floor. I wanted to get out of there fast.
I left him in that cow shed, making my way back home in the dark, the cold nipping me even after I got back in, got ready and picked my way through the bed for a spot to lay in. The warmth besides me from the girls was nice, but a bit of guilt still lingered within.
I was wrong for what I did, for letting him kiss me like that, had always been wrong for letting him do anything of the sort. But I still let him, still enjoyed it. We would be married in a week, and pretty soon this whole dilemma of mine would be pointless…
I sighed, and turned to my other side, still thinking, and only drifted to sleep later on, when my eyes became too heavy to stay open.
