It was late at night, and squeals filled the shanty. It came from Rose, who laid on the ground, legs kicking wildly at the floorboards.

Leon was tickling her, and Violet and Lily were jumping all over him, trying to fight him off their sister. Jozef pretended to find the whole scene boring by concentrating awfully hard on the new jack knife Tata gave him for his namesake day, girls play as he called it, but I saw him furtively watching, his lips curling up in a quiet smile.

It was times like these when all of my bad moods dissipated, when I found myself smiling easily and humming old nursery rhymes my mother used to sing to me. Leon was home, the girls were happy, Jozef was happy, sort of. It only came natural that I would be happy too.

Leon had been cautious ever since that night in the cow shed, making sure to keep the chaste kisses he gave me nothing more than pecks on the cheek. It reminded me of the night of the summer solstice on the steamship, when he kissed me, knowing I was engaged to Stanley. That was much more worse than what happened a few nights ago, or at least I thought so.

He finally got off, the girls apparently too strong for him. They whooped in victory, getting up and jumping around like madmen. I laughed aloud, tipping my head back, and clapped.

"Good job, girls!" I said as I went over to them, helping Rose up. She looked a bit dazed from all the tickling, but seemed just as happy. I saw that Leon had sat up now, and was sitting on the ground, looking comically defeated. He looked up at that moment, meeting my eye and smiling. But then he raked his eyes down from my face to my blouse, and then I knew he was thinking of that night.

I felt indignant, stiffening up when I realized. I turned to the girls and said, "Alright, time for bed," before turning around and bringing them with me to the bedroom.

Now I sat up in bed, writing by oil lamp, those good feelings from an hour ago gone and longing in its place.

I was jittery at the thought of my wedding, which was only four days away. Four days. I had found myself staying up these few nights, thinking about it. It made me think of my last wedding, of the wedding night.

Had it really only been over a year ago? It felt more like an eternity. I remember how nervous I was that night, having Stanley carry me over the threshold of our small bedroom, laying me on the bed…

The thoughts made me blush, and I would sigh softly into the night, clamping my legs together to ease the ache. I missed it, having a husband in bed with me, even if my last one didn't kiss me afterwards. The only ones in my bed now were the girls.

That would change soon . Forever was I thinking that now. I couldn't help wondering how it would feel to even share a bed with Leon, never mind anything else. Actually, I could imagine doing anything else with him, but there are some things never readily admitted. I had no one to talk to about this, at least no one I dared to, so I remedied this by writing in my diary.

I remember the old days when I was too shy to even write about my wedding night. Long gone were they. I wrote fervently now, glancing over my shoulder all the while and stowing the book away in a secret spot, god forbid anyone found the incriminating evidence.

Sunday, November 7th, 1897

I'm tired from staying up at night, but I can't go to sleep. I keep thinking of what is to come when I am married. I keep thinking of when Leon and I were in the cow shed, when he started to touch me. Part of me is glad I stopped him when I did, but another part of me wished I had let him continue, to see what would happen next…

I stopped, read what I wrote. I couldn't help but give a disappointed sigh to myself. I would cross this out when I could find a chance next morning, but now I needed to go to sleep.

I blew out the lamp after putting my things away, climbed carefully into bed, minding the little people already there. Once I had settled down, I closed my eyes, urging myself to sleep. But of course that never works when you need it to. I huffed, rolling onto my back, staring up at the ceiling now, tried to close my eyes again.

But another part of me wished I had let him continue, to see what would happen next.

I squeezed my thighs close just at the thought of that. I remembered how his hand went up to my breast, how he squeezed it through my blouse. What if I let him take my blouse off, my corset? Would he kiss my breasts? I wonder where else he would kiss me…

I opened my eyes suddenly. Moje Boze! My god! I was on my stomach now, my hands placed between my legs, my breath heavy. The girls were besides me, reminding me of where I was, of what I was doing.

How could I? What if they awoke? What if they were awake right now? That thought made me jolt up from the mattress, and I got up, grabbing my shawl and made my way through the dark house outside. I needed some air.

My legs were wobbly like a baby deer, in between my thighs hot and damp. I stood on the porch shivering, my breath showing in the air, the stars being the only lamp for me. I felt angry at myself, angry at Leon, angry even at Stanley. I was just plain mad at anything I could blame.

I was staring off, looking at the dirt road in front of the shanty, when I noticed a white plume of smoke in the air—not smoke, breathe.

"Hello?" I called out into the night.

The breath stopped for a second, and someone emerged from the darkness.

"Jozef?" I called out softly.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

I felt warmth creep across my face, the reason why too much to bear.

"I needed some air. How about you?" I replied casually.

"Oh…well," he shrugged. He came up on the porch, stood with his side pressed against mine to abate the cold. My brother has always been troublesome ever since our mother died. Now he was hanging out with boys who weren't any good, who smoked and cursed and did god knows what else.

At times like these I was grateful to have him at my side, even if he was annoying and bratty.

"Not going out to smoke, I hope?" I asked.

"So what if I was? You're not my mother, you can't tell me what to do."

"Maybe, but I'm your older sister. I have the right to tell you off if she's not around."

He grumbled incoherently, his breath puffing out into the night.

I seized the moment of silence to talk.

"Jozef, you need to go to school, even if it's night school. Just try it out. You need to learn to read and write."

This topic always came up between us. I suppose that's why he never wanted to be around me. But I still couldn't get over how Tata had shrugged me off that day when I told him Jozef needed schooling, and I couldn't let it go.

"I don't," He said stubbornly.

"Oh yes, you do! You have to Jozef, promise me you'll do three classes. Just three, and after that you can leave."

He sat there quiet for a moment, considering. and then continued

"One," He offered.

"Two."

" Anetka ," he whined.

I shook my head, speaking more firmly, "Two, Jozef."

He huffed, nodded begrudgingly.

"Say I promise, and show me both your hands so I know you're not crossing your fingers."

He made a great show of it, turning to me, hands out in front of him.

"I promise I will do two classes of night school—are you happy? The only reason why I am saying yes to this is because you're gonna get married, and I need to do something nice. That's it, okay? No other reason but that," And with that, he walked back inside, and I heard the floorboards creaking as he went upstairs to the loft where his bed was.

I felt satisfied then, my heart filling with joy at the thought of my brother going to school. This was something Mamusia always wanted, and even if it was two classes, it was fine by me.

The reason why I was out here didn't matter now, not when I was so glad, so I turned around and walked into the shanty.