CHAPTER 21
YOU BROKE ME! HOW DARE YOU?
The BAU team had just spent the past 24 hours apart and, as much as they all thought they could actually have some rest and make the most out of this week of vacations, they just could not handle it.
On Monday evening, texts started being darted between all of them, first in private and then in the group chat, the one where Emily would be the only one not to reply, nor read anything. Her mobile phone was currently on the nightstand, by her bed at home, switched off and waiting for her return at the end of the week. She had no intentions to contact anyone, nor did she have to.
"Guys, JJ and I were just saying that we should get together and chat." Matt was the first one who texted the group.
"Oh, thank God someone broke the awkward silence! Garcia and I were texting the same, in private." Tara replied.
"I just bust out some mean ribs on the barbeque outside. Anyone want to join?" Dave offered.
In reality, he was at home, in his pajama, sipping on a cup of tea and being bored out of his mind. But he knew exactly how to get everyone together. Dave was the best host, among their group, and the fact that he lived in a huge and amazing house, with plenty of outside area, was a plus. Also, he was of Italian origins, so he always had the good wine at home.
"Oh, yes! I'll be there in an hour. Is there anything I can bring?" Luke replied.
"Bread! We have none." Dave laughed as he texted Luke a reply. "And Lisa. Yeah, spouses and significant others are welcome. JJ, I would love to see Henry and Michael as well. Bring everyone. See you when you get here."
Everyone shot back a quick text, confirming their presence and making plans to bring something for the late dinner party.
An hour later, the first ones arrived – JJ, Reid, Will and the kids. Then Tara and Garcia arrived in Tara's newly upgraded retro car. Garcia had taken tons of selfies both inside and outside. She was, however, not granted permission to climb to the rooftop for a mermaid-like selfie, as she had originally planned.
Matt drove Luke and they both came alone. Matt's wife stayed home as two out of their four kids were sound asleep already and she was exhausted from work all day. Luke, well Luke had different reasons to come unaccompanied.
Dave's wife parked outside, just as the last guests were arriving. She walked out of the car and opened the trunk, revealing three bags, full of groceries.
"Dave, I thought you had everything sorted out." Matt frowned, helping David's wife Krystall grab the bags and carry them to the house.
"Yeah, I might have exaggerated a bit. I just wanted to trick you all to come over." Dave smirked.
After he had invited everyone, Krystal had offered to make a quick run to the nearest supermarket and grab the things they needed. Truth was, there were no ribs, the barbeque was not on and there was no plan for even having dinner that night. He just wanted to see everyone and promising them food always worked.
"Ah, you sneaky man." Luke nudged David and he carried the last bag to the kitchen.
Krystal and the girls stayed in the kitchen, chatting away and chopping things for the garnish and the salad, while the boys started the barbeque and grilled some meat, chatting about guy stuff.
"Garcia, what's wrong?" JJ noticed how Garcia wasn't her quirky self.
"It just feels weird doing this without Prentiss." She shrugged in reply.
"I know, but you have to understand that she is a grown woman and if she needs a week away from us, she is entitled to her privacy. She's had it pretty rough lately. We can't stalk her and beg her to talk to us or to hang out with us." Tara gave Garcia a small hug before she continued chopping veggies.
Garcia looked to the floor, with that adorable guilty expression on her face.
"Oh, God. You already stalked her, didn't you?" Tara exclaimed, although it did not surprise her, really.
"A little." Garcia admitted while cutting the cheese into small bites.
"Did she reply? What did she say?" JJ asked curiously. She was on board with giving Emily space, but she was also curious to know everything.
"Well, she is fine. I guess that's good. She said she won't make contact until Monday morning, when she wants to meet all of us at the BAU, 9 am." Garcia recalled their chat.
"If she dares leave the BAU, I am going to strangle her!" JJ was not even half-joking about it.
Lately, JJ had this overwhelming hunch that Emily was done with the FBI, this time for good. The past three weeks since the case that went horribly wrong, Emily had not been herself. She walked around aimlessly, she seemed detached from her friends and she buried her head in paperwork, just to avoid dealing with the consequences of that case. It wasn't news to a profiler that denial was the worst way to cope with things and Emily was spiraling.
"No, I don't think so. I also threatened her, although you can actually hurt her, while I'd probably pee in my unicorn pants before I could raise a hand at the Emily Prentiss…" Garcia admitted. She was not intimidating, at all. But JJ was. "She just said she wanted to talk to all of us on Monday, when we get back to work."
"Good. Because I am done with people leaving!" JJ excused herself, under the pretense that she had to go rinse her hands well with soap, in the bathroom.
Instead, she locked herself in the bathroom and felt her ragged breathing and her heart beating faster than she assumed was normal. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and she saw sadness, her blonde hair made her face look even more pale and that sense of worry that she had been trying to suppress for the past three weeks, finally took over all of her senses.
As soon as her eyes blinked, tears started falling. It was beyond her control. The more she tried to stop, the heavier the tears felt. A few of them landed on her shirt, making a tiny wet stain, but she wasn't too worried. The stain on her shirt would dry. But what would happen on the stain inside on Emily's soul, after that case? Would it go away? Would it only grow bigger until it was too much for her to handle and she would flip?
JJ splashed some cold water on her face and, opening her mouth to breathe in, she felt the saltiness of her tears, still strolling down her cheeks. In a moment of despair, she did the only thing that could ever calm her down – she dialed a number she knew by heart.
"H-…Hi." She said with a hiccups in between. "I know you need your time and space. But please, I'm begging you, please don't leave. I can't handle it. I don't know what I would do without you in my life…in my career. Please, whatever is going on with you, I know you are suffering and you are trying to be strong on the outside, while everything on the inside is eating you up and tearing you apart, but please, I'm begging you, please, please don't leave. I'm sick of people leaving! I know that I can't help it, I can't change your mind and I can't control your actions, but for once in your life, consider that you leaving is only harming the rest of us. It's not going to help you in any way. If you start a new life, new identity, somewhere on the other side of the world, what happened that day, in that building, is always going to stay with you. Emily, we know what happened. I saw it with my own eyes. It was not your fault! Nobody is judging you. You've been cleared by the Bureau. Yes, the BAU is in a shitty place right now, but things will change. You leaving is not going to fix anything. Please, don't leave!"
JJ was now in full on panic mode, speaking fast and then slow, breathlessly, acting irrational. She wasn't even sure if her voice message would ever get heard, but she had to pour it all out. She could not keep it to herself, the same way that Emily could not keep her sorrow to herself any longer.
"The last time you left, it changed us. It took us months to master the art of acting normal again, and yet again, on the inside we were broken. Even me and Hotch, and we knew the truth. You broke us, Emily. You broke us once, don't you dare break us again! Do you hear me? I still have nightmares from the night we found you bleeding out. It took everything I had in me, to tell everyone that you were dead. And while they all dealt with it in their own way, I had to carry the burden of the lie and deal with it, on my own. I couldn't trust anyone with the truth. Hotch is not exactly the guy to go cry to. You broke us, Emily Prentiss. You broke everyone, but mostly – you broke me! How dare you? You broke me so hard that, when you came back, I held resentment for you for a whole month. I could not stand seeing you in the hallways, I evited the bullpen when you were around and I hated every single time I saw you smile. You want to know why? Because I judged you for being able to get over it and move on, while on the inside you left me broken, Emily Prentiss. I love you, but I also hate you for that. I promised myself that if you leave again, I would never go back to the FBI. Because, no matter how much I resented you for that stunt, I love you. With all my heart. Endlessly. I love you so much that it hurts to even think about a possibility of never seeing you again. I hate seeing you hurt, I hate knowing that you are broken on the inside. I hate it when you close yourself off and pretend that you are okay. I hate how stubborn you are and I hate how easy it is for you to pretend like you are okay. I hate how good you are at your job and how easy you make it for all of us to work with you. I hate it when you are right, and that's basically always. I hate how smooth you are with your words and how convincing you can be. I hate everything about you, Emily Prentiss! Most of all, I despise the idea of waking up one day and knowing that I wouldn't spend the next 15 hours with you…you, selfish, nasty, human being! You, stubborn woman! You, you inconsistent, narcissistic bitch!"
JJ was on a roll. If Emily did not understand that all this hatred came out of love, that was her loss. JJ's words were not hateful at all. It was her own way of expressing something completely different than hate.
"You make people love you and then you leave them! How is that fair? Why do you always get to start over, leaving the rest of us in the mud, huh? Why is it that you are entitled to have it your way, but you don't give a crap about the way you make all of us feel?" By this point, JJ was beyond lost.
She found herself squished between the toilet seat and the corner of the bathroom, sitting on the cold floor tiles, wiping hot tears with the sleeves of her shirt and not giving a damn about the rest of the world.
"I hate seeing you leave a crime scene unharmed and you want to know why?" She was slurring her words, hiccups took over her and she was just a whole lot of a mess. "Because I can't even be happy about you being fine. Because I know that there will be a next time and that next time you might not be fine and that scares the crap out of me. I hate the idea of anyone getting hurt, but what I hate the most is the idea of you getting hurt. Because each time you get hurt, Emily Prentiss, you leave. You get scared and you leave. And you break everyone around you. You break us to the point where, one day, we won't even be able to trust you anymore. You break us until there is nothing we can do about those nightmares at night, the anxiety every time our phone rings, the suspense of not knowing where the Hell you disappeared off to this time and would you ever come back. Because you take your time to heal and that is fine, but in the process, you break us more and more, with each day. You make us weak, you make us doubt ourselves and, most importantly – you make us hate you, Emily Prentiss!"
Whenever JJ called her by her full name, it meant trouble. And in this emotional downpour, she kept doing just that.
"We hate you to the point where we hate everything about you, because deep down inside we are scared out of our minds. Scared, because we know that the moment we let ourselves love you, you will leave. And then you will break us even more. Again and again. And that's not cool, Emily Prentiss…that is so not cool!"
JJ took a moment to breathe, feeling like her face was on fire. If she were still standing in front of the mirror, she would see that her skin color was now matching her favorite flaming hot Cheetos packaging. She didn't want to admit this to herself, but she was having a panic attack, one stronger than anything she had ever felt before.
"And I'm done with you leaving. I'm done loving you and I am done waiting for you to love me back, if you don't want to love yourself first, Emily Prentiss! I am done being a puppet and I am done begging for your attention and your time. If you want to leave, just leave and never come back. Okay? Let us be, let us try to heal, without wondering when you will be back, just so that we can lose you one more time."
JJ's body heat evaporated from her and she was now shivering. She hugged herself with both hands and she rocked her body back and forth, as she was now curled into a ball, in the corner.
"And I just lied. Because I am a terrible human being and I want to hurt you, to show you how much a person could hurt someone. I want you to think that I don't care, to think that we will be fine without you. I want you to think that I hate you, Emily Prentiss. I want it so badly." She shook her head. "But I can't, I just can't do this to you. Because, no matter how much you broke me, I can never hate you. Do you hear me? I, Jennifer Jareau, am never going to hate you, Emily Prentiss. Ever. Not even for a moment in my whole damned life. Because, every time you hurt me, I know that you are hurting yourself, too. And I hate that, but I don't hate you. I could never hate you."
There it was, after a five-minute downpour, she was slowly getting to her point.
"I tried hating you. I tried so damn hard. And every time I tried, I ended up loving you this much more. Because, no matter your stupid decisions, you are still the one I look up to. You are someone who taught me how to live, how to love, how to grow, how to be myself. And I could never hate you, Emily Prentiss. Okay? I simply could not. Every time you broke me, you also helped build me up from scratch. You were by my side in the most important moments of my life. You are the one I have the best memories with. You keep me in check and you never let me suffer. You take the blame upon yourself and you suffer quietly, retreating yourself in your office and taking every hit, one after another, until it breaks you and I know how badly you are broken right now. I also know that you left, because you need to heal. I know that you will come back and be the most kind and wonderful human being to all of us. And I know that, deep down inside, what happened three weeks ago, is never going to let you sleep at night. You won't tell us anything about it. You will keep it to yourself. You will smile and laugh with us, go grab drinks, maybe dance a little. You will discuss stupid stuff, like the weather and porcelain dolls with us, but never, not even once, would you allow yourself to show weakness. Because you know that your weakness is going to break us. And you don't want that. You will keep on pretending like you are fine, so that your own broken soul would not traumatize us. And that, Emily Prentiss, makes you a human being, worthy of love. And I do, I love you, with all my heart and soul. I love you, Emily Prentiss. And I egoistically refuse to think of a life without you in it. So, next time you run, I am going to find you and I am going to drop my life here and follow you to the other side of the world and I am going to stay by your side 24/7, because this is what you do – you make us love you, more and more, with everything you do, until it is practically impossible for us to live without you. This is what you, Emily Prentiss deserve – love. Pure and unconditional, never ending love. And I do love you, so fucking much. You are my best friend, Emily Prentiss. And I am always going to need you in my life. Never forget that!"
JJ looked at her phone and she had been recording for nine minutes. She intended to ramble a little more, just because she was feeling so confused that she had no idea how to actually express herself, so she rambled on and hoped that her message would come across somewhat clear in the end.
However, Will's voice startled her. She heard him banging on the bathroom door and asking if she was alright.
That made her end the audio and send it as it was – long, messy, heartfelt and so incredibly twisted.
She then reflected on something. She had to pick herself up from the floor now and, usually, it would be Emily who would by her side in moments of total freak out. And she was not there.
"I'm okay. I broke the soap dispenser and I'm cleaning the mess on the floor. Sorry. I'll be right there." JJ said weakly, trying hard to suppress the hiccups and the sadness in her voice.
She took the soaking wet shirt off, glad that she had a tank top underneath. Then she splashed her face with icy cold water and she gave herself a couple of minutes, to steady that pure heart of hers.
As she walked out, Will enveloped her in a hug, giving her a soft kiss on the forehead, just like she always liked it.
"Hey, you know I love you, right? And I'm here for you, if you need to talk." He said, reminding JJ why she had fallen in love with him, in the first place.
Will understood her. He never judged her. He knew exactly how to handle her, at any given time. He loved a pissed off JJ, a sad JJ, a happy JJ, a melancholic JJ. He loved JJ, everything that she stood for. And so did Emily, in a different way.
"Yes. Thank you." She said weakly and he took her to the one place that could cheer her up – the play room.
Dave and Krystal had put up a play room, full of toys, for when Dave's grandson would visit. Henry and Michael were more than happy to roam that room and play freely. Matt's kids usually spent hours there, too, whenever their parents took them to the Rossi mansion.
JJ smiled as she walked in. Both of her sons ran to her side and hugged her. They hadn't seen her for about fifteen minutes, but they were so genuinely happy to be around their mommy again and it warmed her heart. It reminded her that, if someone really loved you, they would stick by your side. And now all she had to do was wait to see if Emily Prentiss really loved her, too.
"Food's served!" Dave called out from the back yard and everyone gathered around the huge table.
It was really nice outside. It was late and dark by then, but Krystal had installed new lights in the garden, so everything was illuminated and it looked like they were celebrating someone's birthday. The kids grabbed a burger and walked off to play somewhere, while the grown-ups started chatting about stuff.
Literally everyone was aware of the fact that JJ had just bawled her eyes out, crying. Nobody said a thing. Will was firmly by her side, his right hand glued to her shoulder, as a sign of support, while he struggled all through the evening, eating all of his food with the left hand only.
"Luke, what is Lisa up to these days? I haven't seen her around." Dave asked, since he had invited her as well.
"She's busy." Luke shrugged, taking a huge bite off his burger, so he wouldn't be asked another question.
Thank God Krystal changed the topic to something else right after that.
When they were done with the dinner, little groups were formed and different conversations started.
Krystal, Tara and Garcia were sitting on the garden swing, talking about flowers, lights and decorations.
JJ and Dave were in their own little corner, mute as fish.
Will was kicking ball with the kids, who only needed five more minutes of play time before they would fall asleep.
Spencer was reading a book, sitting on a chair, under one of the new garden lights.
"Hey man." Matt approached Luke, who had been keeping to himself for the past ten minutes after they had finished eating.
"Hey." He replied shortly, which was not typical of him.
The two guys had a special bond. They were on their way of becoming the male version of Emily and JJ – always calling each other for advice, always counting on each other, both in their job and in their personal lives.
"What's going on with you?" Matt pushed it, knowing very well that Luke was not being himself lately.
"Not much." He said, once again, shortly.
"Come on, man. You haven't told a dirty joke in days. You don't even smile anymore. What's bothering you?" Matt sat right in front of Luke. "Trouble in Paradise?" He added with a smirk.
"What Paradise?" Luke sighed. "It surely hasn't felt like it in a while."
"Oh…" Matt had assumed that Luke and Lisa had a little argument, but from how Luke was reacting, it sounded like something bigger than that.
"Forget it. Shit happens. No need to sulk about it." Luke was a macho man, a manly dude. He would never be caught discussing his feelings.
"How long has this been going on?" Matt was not going to drop it.
"Two months." Luke took a big gulp of his wine glass, hoping that alcohol would make it easier, seeing as Matt was hellbound on discussing Luke's personal life.
"Two months!?" Matt couldn't keep his voice down, repeating what Luke had just said.
Tara and Garcia shot him a glance. Matt was usually quiet and composed, so there must be a reason why he was being loud now.
"Yeah, it's whatever." Luke motioned to take another sip of his wine, but Matt grabbed the glass out of his hands and put it on the ground.
"Getting hammered won't help." He said calmly. "Why didn't you say something? I mean, at the very least, we wouldn't have asked you about her so many times? God, it must have sucked, every time we brought her up in a conversation!"
"It's no big deal. I didn't want to bother anyone with this crap." Luke shrugged, making the smart choice to grab a bottle of water instead.
"Dude, we're friends. We share stuff like that. Nobody would be bothered." Matt had this aura of a good guy around him. Whenever he spoke, he was always genuine and sweet. It was easy for anyone to trust him.
"Are you kidding me? Have you not noticed the Hell that Prentiss went through? I'm not going to bother her, or anyone else, with the fact that I am dating an idiot." Luke said, a bit riled up.
"She's had it rough, but you could have spoken to the rest of us, in private." Matt was right. Luke was just too proud to admit things, so he had made the decision to never talk about Lisa again.
"Whatever, man. It is what it is. Can I have my wine back?" Luke was a bit irritated at this point and Matt decided to drop it.
"No. Water will do you good." He stood up and let Luke drink his water, as he carried the wine glass out of his sight.
"Guys, it was nice seeing you, but we have to head back home. I have two sleeping monsters to take care of." JJ announced, pointing at her kids, who were now sound asleep on the garden sofas.
"Three." Will pointed at himself. He was beyond tired and witnessing his wife having a panic attack earlier had definitely helped drain all of his energy.
"It's okay, I'll drive both Garcia and Reid back." Tara announced, letting JJ leave earlier.
Once she was out of sight, there was silence. There was a huge elephant in the room.
"Fine, I'll say it." Garcia sacrificed her sanity, breaking the silence. "I'm worried about her, too, right now."
"Oh, thank God I didn't have to say it first." Dave nodded in agreement to that statement.
"First Emily, now JJ. Who is going to spiral out of control next? Because, trust me, someone would. It's human nature." Reid commented.
Luke sighed. In his opinion, he'd surely be the next one to have a massive freak out.
"My money is on Rossi." Tara said, earning herself a nasty glare from Rossi himself.
"I'd say Garcia. It's a miracle she's been completely cut off by Prentiss and she's still fine with it. It's been 24 hours now." Reid smirked.
"Not completely…" Garcia admitted shyly and then proceeded to tell them about the chat with their Boss.
She did not mention Paris, since she figured it was private, so maybe Emily wouldn't like to announce where she was. But she did tell them about the Monday meeting that she had requested.
"If she dares to quit the BAU, I'm going to-…" Dave got upset.
There was always this moment of panic when a superior called in an emergency meeting. Usually, that was when someone would quit the team.
"Oh, get in line. JJ and I are going to start with Prentis, you can finish her off. Be our guest." Garcia laughed.
Literally everyone had the same reaction to the news about the meeting. It was about to be one Hell of a week for the BAU team members.
