CHAPTER 38
I SHOULD HAVE STAYED UP THERE
Emily's connecting flight had been quick, at least compared to the trans-ocean one before it, and the landing had been a lot smoother. She wished she could say the same about her mood. Or the transition to a much colder weather. Or the jet-lag.
Or reality.
Although, she wasn't sure which one of her so called "realities" sucked more at this point.
"I fucking hate life." She muttered when her key got stuck in the door, as she tried to enter her house.
After a whole night of traveling, all she wanted was a shower and her own bed.
She quickly realized that sleeping was not an option for her, for two reasons. One, because her body was convinced it was still noon, and not morning; and two, because it was 7:30 in the morning and she had a meeting with her team at 9 am. She regretted having set this meeting at this specific hour, but she could also not call and cancel it, not after she had been a ghost to everyone for a whole week.
She managed to take a shower and she avoided looking at the mirror. The few times she accidentally caught a glimpse of her face, she saw puffy red eyes, tired bags under those eyes, and eternal sadness, deep inside of these eyes. So, she took the brilliant decision to walk past the mirror with her eyes closed, which resulted in her tripping over the bathroom rug and hitting her forehead against the bathroom door.
"Yes, this is precisely why I hate life!" She commented to herself, raising one hand up to the right side of her forehead and swiping it.
Blood. Great. As if she had space for any more scars on her body – inside or outside.
She grabbed some Emily-style work clothes and changed quickly before she grabbed her car keys and went downstairs to get in her car.
There was a dent on it. A small dent, but it drove her insane. She would usually not give a crap about stuff like that, since she wasn't a fan of cars and she simply didn't care if hers was dirty, old or scratched. Rossi had to beg Emily to go get her car washed, on more occasions than he could count. Tara had offered fixing that bigger dent on the back of the car, from when Emily had backed into a tree, having no regrets at all, claiming that it was the only way to get out of her parking space, as the car in front of her had squished her in. That was how much Emily Prentiss cared about her car. That and the fact that she would eat her fast food meals in it on a regular basis and the stench of French fries and the oily fingerprints on her dashboard had never bothered her. Although, thinking about it now, she'd consider fries' smell annoying, but that was only because they were French.
So, why was she getting so worked up over a small dent now?
After a brief investigation, she realized that a red car had scratched hers, as she found red paint near the dent.
Her most grown-up response to that was to grab a stone and smash it against the driver-side window of the only red car she saw parked near her, leaving a note, simply saying: KARMA.
She got in and hit the gas. Driving fast was her way of getting rid of pressure, although it was probably not the safest thing she could do when she was upset.
The BAU team members had made plans to go to work at 8 am that morning, giving themselves time to go around and tidy the place up, which was much wanted, especially in JJ's office. They didn't write that in the group chat, just in case Emily would read it. They wanted her to find the office neat and clean when she entered, so they kept it a surprise, having discussed it only face-to-face, the day before, at brunch.
Emily hadn't even had time to check her phone. It was still off, still on her bedside table. She would, later on, be glad that she did not read her messages or hear her voicemails before that meeting.
Garcia had barely waited for JJ to open her eyes that morning, before she had shot the new information to her, letting her know that Emily had a plane ticket and that was proof that she was actually coming back. Because, with Emily Prentiss, one just never knew if she would or if she wouldn't.
"Okay, all done." Rossi stated after helping out the Studs – Luke and Mat, with their desks.
JJ had only been in charge of her own office. Although, even god couldn't fix that place.
Rossi's office was a dream for every neat-freak, suffering from OCD, so he didn't need to do much, other than to throw away some papers that were still in his trash from a week ago. Then he decided to help the guys, whom he saw playing around and throwing paper balls at each other, instead of cleaning up.
Tara didn't have to many things on her desk, so she finished quickly and she helped JJ out for a bit.
And Reid was frantically dusting his precious books, over and over again. Nobody helped him, as he kept repeating the same thing, that he was done cleaning, five times and it was obvious he was just trying to pass time.
"Yes, I'm all cleaned up as well." Garcia stated as she joined them at the bullpen.
She had locked herself in her own little room, dusting her figures and making sure everything was perfectly disorganized and colorful, just like she liked it. The one thing she actually did right was when she had to pick up a little unicorn statue that she had knocked over God-knows-when, so it was now face planted, all alone and sad, behind one of her computers.
"It's almost nine." Matt stated and they all walked over to the meeting room.
"Act normal." JJ reminded them, although it was more a reminder for her own self.
Emily pulled up at her assigned parking space, in front of the FBI main building. She had mixed feelings about going back to work, all the way up to the front gate of the government property, where the main building was and where, a little further from that, the Academy grounds were situated.
There was something about the air within those gates…something about the sun, illuminating that building, something that made her take a deep breath and smile as she got out of her car.
She walked over to the second floor first and got greeted by a few colleagues from other Units and Divisions. They all pretended like they liked her, but she knew the moment she'd turn around, either one of them would be happy to throw a knife in her back.
"SSA Prentiss, how's work? Working on a new case?" Some man walked over and decided to start a small talk.
Emily sighed, wondering why he would even bother. Clearly, he knew nothing about her current situation. He didn't know she had been asked to step down and cool off for a week. He also didn't know that she was, practically on probation. And he had no clue she hadn't been working on a case for a month now. So, why would she waste time, pretending to want to talk to him then?
"I'm only here for the free coffee." She said grumpily, walking over to the coffee machine and fixing herself a double black, no sugar. "However bad it might be." She added with attitude.
"Where have I heard this statement before?" Out of all people, Ben walked over to her and the other man disappeared.
"Hi Ben." She said with a sigh. She was never a bitch to him, although he was not quite well-liked around the block.
"Listen, Emily…I just want to give you a little heads up." He said, nearly whispering.
"Meet me by the fountain at the courtyard at noon today and I'll tell you everything." He added as he noticed how a few people were looking at him, talking to Prentiss.
Ben was a regular at that coffee lounge. Some people liked him, but some straight-out hated his guts. He would hang out there, like a hawk, observing people and doing his job. Some considered him to be an ass. Others simply knew he was an ass. But Emily knew him differently.
She nodded and walked away, but not after grabbing two cookies from the table.
Ben looked at the sweets, wondering why were they suddenly so popular. He had seen Angie there twice and both times she had taken two of the same cookies – butter cookies in the shape of a heart, with one side of it dipped in dark chocolate.
He didn't know about Angela, but he was sure Emily had been drawn to the symbolism of the darkness vs. light. He knew her well, or at least he liked to think so. Angela, on the other hand, he was starting to not be a huge fan of.
Emily then took the elevator to the floor where the BAU offices were situated. She had taken the West wing elevator, since it was nearer to the coffee lounge, so that meant that she now had to take a long walk across the building. There was that corridor, one that she had not missed. It was long, connecting the East and West wings; white, the kind of bright white that would hurt your eyes if you looked at it for too long; and full of sorrow.
She sucked in her breath and started walking. On both sides of the corridor, the walls were full of portraits – beautiful photos of FBI members, in uniform, smiling, ready to serve their country. Or at least they had been ready, until they had met their inevitable destiny and ended up on the wall.
Emily gulped, realizing how many young Agents' portraits were hung up there. Men and women had left families, friends and colleagues behind, serving their country, fighting evil.
Heroes.
That was what the portraits represented.
Real life action heroes, ones that deserve so much more than just a portrait on a wall.
Emily felt so emotional and it seemed like the corridor would never end. The more she walked, the more faces were staring at her and she felt so incredibly overwhelmed. She had walked down this corridor many times before, but this time…something felt different.
And then it hit her – the reason why she was feeling so vulnerable was now right there, in front of her.
She stopped her pace and her eyes got glued to the wall.
In front of her, among many other portraits of people, there was an empty one. She felt so emotional, just staring at it. It was blank, white, just a frame, hung on a wall. It was a reminder.
It had once contained her photo and her name had been written underneath it, with an intricate golden inscription that JJ had spilled hot tears while choosing, even though she had known the truth all along.
And then it hit her even harder – Emily Prentiss had once been dead. She had once left all those people who cared so much about her. The reasons why she did it were not important. What bothered her was the fact that she had left. She hadn't even tried to come up with another solution, even if it would have been a worse one, for sure. Her first and only response to the situation had been to leave, even if she wasn't realizing that it had been Hotch and JJ's decision, at the time. At least then, weirdly, she had the privilege to have two people from her team know that she was actually alive. It wasn't like it hadn't broken them, anyway.
Hotchner had been a mess after her staged death. He had found himself leading a team that was now mourning the loss of a valuable member, and he wasn't good at dealing with his own emotional problems, let alone with the ones of six other people.
JJ had been a mess. No matter how many online scrabble dates she had had with Emily, even despite the fact that she saw her alive, with her own eyes, in Paris, JJ was still left broken and very much altered after the whole thing. She was left having to deal with a crying best friend, when Reid would randomly roll up to her door and cry in her arms until late at night. She was left with keeping the burden of a secret that was eating her up from the inside. She was also left wondering if Emily would ever come back, which was the thing that had broken her the hardest.
Emily exhaled, realizing that, once again, her constant leaving was the cause of so many people's pain.
"I should have stayed up there." She muttered underneath her breath, honestly wishing that it had all been true and that her photo would now be hanging on that damn wall. Because that was how much she hated herself and her life at that very moment.
"No!" A very familiar, very sexy sounding, deep male voice came up from behind her. "You, Emily Prentiss, are a survivor. And you, Emily Prentiss, are never ending up on that wall. Do you hear me? Because you, Emily Prentiss, deserve the world, but most of all – because the world deserves you, Emily Prentiss!"
Oh, she most definitely heard him. She just wasn't sure whether she was hearing things, maybe it was a dream, or was it reality?
She turned around, painfully slowly, only to realize that it was reality – the first reality that she enjoyed being immersed into, in a while.
She threw herself in his already open and inviting arms, and she inhaled the scent of his perfume. He liked using this one on special occasions.
"Morgan!" She said, resting her chin against his manly shoulder while he held her. He was one of the very few men that she had this kind of friendship where she would let them hold her. Otherwise, she was a 'Don't Touch Me' kind of a woman.
"Prentiss!" He greeted her by kissing the top of her head.
"There is no one else I'd rather see right now. Oh, I'm so happy you're back!" She said emotionally.
"I'm glad to hear that." He smirked, but then he had to calm down her enthusiasm. "But I'm not back. I'm just visiting. I've missed you, guys."
Emily pulled back for a second, studying his face, to see if he was bluffing. And he was not.
She frowned.
"But, I thought you said you were starting over and you never wanted to step foot here again, because this job had ruined you." She commented, because she was smart enough to doubt his words.
Morgan thought for a second. Yes, the job had ruined him, at that specific moment of his life. Yes, he had taken the decision to live under a new identity, on the other side of the world. But also yes, he knew exactly how broken Emily was at that moment, because of the job, so if he had to break a promise to himself, in order to help her out, so be it.
Also, that may or may not have been the only reason he was back in town.
Emily then assessed the situation and only after a few seconds, she came to the right conclusion.
"Garcia contacted you, didn't she?" She looked up at him and his hands held her face for a moment.
"You know it, Princess." He smirked.
God, she had missed that smirk.
"Now, are we giving them a double surprise or what?" He smiled wide, already imagining everyone's face if he walked in, next to Prentiss.
"It's 9:05." Garcia pointed out after a very long and awkward silence in the meeting room.
"It's Emily." Rossi pointed out.
"Yeah, she runs on Emily-time." JJ added, merely stating a fact.
"It's Emily!" Reid cheered.
"Yeah, I heard you guys. It's Emily. Yada yada. She runs on Emily-time. Yada yada." Garcia made an impression of both Rossi and JJ, repeating their words.
"No, guys." Reid stood up from his chair. "It's Emily!" He pointed at the cracked door, being able to see just a part of her figure, walking towards the door. But he knew it was her. He needed it to be her.
"It's Emily!" Garcia squealed, recognizing the sound of Emily's shoes as she got closer to the door.
"And someone else…?" JJ pointed out, seeing a second pair of shoes by the door.
"Hey guys." Emily greeted shyly as she walked in.
She let her hand linger on the door handle before she opened the door wide, revealing the person who was accompanying her.
"Hello, naughty people!" Morgan greeted them a lot more cheerfully, compared to Emily.
"Hello, BabyGirl." He then added, because Garcia deserved a greeting only for herself.
"Oh my God!" Garcia had darted from her seat immediately, but as she got in front of Emily and Morgan, she realized that, somehow, JJ had beat her to it by teleporting herself over the table or under it, or however she did it, but it had taken her half a second to reach the other side of the meeting room.
JJ was the first one to grab Emily and no matter how many people were on queue, she just wouldn't let go.
"You're back!" JJ whispered in Emily's ear and it warmed Emily's heart. It also broke it a little bit more, realizing the huge load of tension that JJ was unloading at that moment. Tension that had been caused by Emily's leaving. Again.
"Uhm, it's my turn." Reid tried to push JJ aside, but she was glued.
Garcia had already given Morgan some love and his whole face was now covered in pink lipstick. She was now eager to move on to Emily.
"Na-ah!" Garcia pinched Reid, trying to get rid of him. "Take a number!" She stuck her tongue at him.
Through all of this, JJ didn't move an inch. Her only movement was when her grip became tighter and her fingers dug into Emily's back until it was starting to hurt a little bit.
"Act normal…yeah, sure." Luke rolled his eyes, throwing JJ's words back at her.
She did not catch the subtle dig. She was too busy being there, where Emily was.
"Guys, guys…" Emily finally pulled back simply because all of these emotions were threatening to give her another downpour of tears and she was not sure she could handle that. Not after the night she had on the two planes.
"Let me breathe." Emily forced herself to chuckle and everybody knew it wasn't a genuine thing. But they still liked to see her try.
She gave a small hug to everyone else before she asked them to sit down.
Emily wasn't stupid. She knew she looked like crap. She also knew that they knew how much she had cried.
But they weren't stupid either, so none of them dared ask her about it.
"First of all, I am not back." Morgan started off when everyone had taken a seat. He did not want to give false hope to anyone. "Just briefly visiting." He cleared it up.
"Ooh." Garcia frowned. For the past couple of minutes, she had already mentally planned out her whole entire life, from this point on, until the moment she died, with Morgan next to her.
"Secondly…" Emily took over from there. "I am back." She kind of felt the need to say it out loud, having that gut feeling that maybe her colleagues were scared that this would be her announcement of retirement from the Bureau.
JJ exhaled loudly and Rossi put his hand on her knee, under the table. He had strategically sat next to her, in order to keep her in check. Sometimes this girl felt like a daughter to him and he could not help being protective over her.
"I'm not going to lie – I did have my reservations about coming back and I quite frankly did not want to do it, for a brief moment." Emily herself could not believe the balls she had to just come out and say those words.
But everyone appreciated the brutal honesty.
"But I wouldn't be lying if I said that, during that brief moment of complete insanity, I closed my eyes and I pictured a different life – one without you guys in it. And it was no better than what I have now. Actually, no. It was way worse. A few days ago I reminded myself of the way I felt when I was giving that Welcome speech to the FBI Academy Trainees two weeks ago. I was full of hope for them, I wanted to inspire them, to show them how amazing their life could be one day, if they were lucky enough to have people like you on their team. And then I realized how lucky I was and how dumb it would be to throw it all away." She felt someone next to her shift uncomfortably. It was Morgan, who had done exactly that – he'd thrown it all away.
"No offence." She shot him a glance, holding the tiniest bit of a grudge still, for him leaving.
"I really don't have it in me to hold another emotional speech right now. I don't. And I'm sorry. I'm all spoken out…" She sighed. In reality, she wasn't all spoken out. She was all cried out.
"I do not wish to discuss this past week, with anyone. So, please, I'm begging you to respect my privacy here." Emily licked her lips nervously.
"Of course." Rossi promised quickly. He wasn't one to go nag people for answers anyway.
"I need today to be a fresh start. Because I'm an egoist. I'm doing this for myself. I need a do-over on Emily Prentiss, here at the BAU. I'm keeping my status as Unit Chief, but now more than ever I need your help and advice. We are going to build the BAU up, back from scratch, if we need to!" She finished off and realized how everyone was now staring at something behind her.
Someone, actually.
"About that status…" The Section Chief, that same old bitch that Emily hated so much, had once again invited herself in without even knocking. It was her habit by now.
Emily gulped. If she got stripped off duty, she would blow this bitch's brains out before she handed her gun and badge to anyone.
"I guess I got lucky. I came here to talk to SSA Prentiss, but since I found all of you gathered here, I'll save her the embarrassment of having to tell you the news afterwards." The woman had that stupid smirk on her face and Emily wanted to wipe it off with her hand. Or her fist.
"You are all very kindly invited to the Hearing on Friday morning. Consulting a lawyer will, in no way, result in the board looking at you as any more guilty than what we already think you are." She informed them. "Until then, have a good week. You are back on duty, but your case-load might be a bit weaker than usual."
With those words, the woman handed Emily a sealed envelope and she left.
"A hearing? What hearing?" Reid said, confused.
Emily once again found herself opening a piece of paper that would ruin her further.
However, this time, she was surprised to find out that all the hysterical crying and all the pain she had just gone through, had actually made her stronger. She found herself opening the damn thing with her chin up high and her poker face on. She found out that, on the inside, her inner Emily Prentiss was screaming, cheering for her to be strong and to get things fixed.
She couldn't have possibly fixed things with Richard. That was a no end street, right from the start. One of them was bound to get hurt and it just so happened that it was her.
But she could fix this. Now. And the fact that she had to fix it, for the sake of all these people whom she loved so dearly, was giving her even more courage to open the letter and read it.
"Okay. Well, apparently, we've been under investigation for the past week. That's why they needed us out of here. Our offices have been searched and our old case files have been revised. They have built a case against the BAU and our first hearing is on Friday, 10 am." Emily summed it all up.
Everyone gasped. A few faces went pale while others were fuming red.
Emily stood still, seemingly unbothered by all of this.
"How can you be so calm?" Tara asked her, because it was just a weird reaction after such stressful news.
"Oh, sweetheart…" Emily then did the most un-Emily thing, under stress – she chuckled. "I'm all worried out." She added. There was no strength left in her to worry, to yell, to obsess over this. It was out of her control and all she could do from this point on was to make sure she gained control over as many aspects of this situation as possible.
"Guess I chose the wrong time for a surprise then…" Morgan whispered quietly, referring this sentence to no one in particular.
"No, it's the perfect time." Garcia moved her chair closer to his.
"If anyone can un-break her right now, it's you!" She whispered to him and it made him smile.
Morgan had left the BAU a few years ago. He had changed his name and his ways, now that he was a married man with a young child. He had moved continents. He had moved a few houses until he found the perfect one to live in.
But he hadn't moved on.
Not even the tiniest little bit.
He thought that by being far from the Bureau, everything would change. But it all stayed the same. If not worse. He found himself missing his friends, his job, in a weird way he missed the unsubs as well.
So, he understood what Emily meant when she said she had considered leaving again. And he also applauded her for having the strength to realize that this was not the answer. She had come back. He hadn't.
A few days ago, he had been sitting on the porch, watching his child play in the back yard, while he waited for his wife to come back from grocery shopping. Life would have seemed perfect if anyone saw them from the street – the perfect family, a happy child, a strong couple.
But Morgan had his doubts lately. He had tried getting himself involved in things – he changed his gym membership, he went out to play soccer with the guys from the neighborhood a few times, he even had a few friends whom he would sometimes go out and have drinks with.
But it wasn't the same. And whatever he did, he found himself not liking it, or not being fulfilled by the activity. Not the same way that he had been when he had ran after bad guys.
Right then and there – sitting on the porch, he had received an e-mail from a certain colorful woman who could always make his heart glow in all the colors of the rainbow.
He had opened it with a smile, even though she wasn't supposed to contact him. This was the e-mail account that she had secured for him, untraceable – it was his only way of contacting the team, while keeping his new identity and hiding his old one. It was also, only for emergency purposes.
He had figured that Garcia just couldn't hold it anymore and she had to let him know how much she missed him. He had assumed that her e-mail would make him smile and laugh like an idiot, because some of the things she said – if not all, were simply ridiculous and she always made him laugh.
However, that e-mail had broken his heart a little bit. It was hardly about him. It was all about Emily. And Emily was, along with Garcia, the one he felt most strongly connected to. So, reading those lines about her suffering and blaming herself after that one specific case, had only given him the strength to do what he had been wanting to do for months now.
When his wife had come home, he had casually thrown in his desire to go back and see his friends.
He had then thanked the Lord so many times, for having blessed him with such an amazing wife, one who understood why he needed to do this. One who backed up his decision. And one who sat down by his side, immediately after chucking the fresh produce in the fridge, and helped him book the cheapest flight back to his old home. No questions asked. No objections. Just pure understanding. Yes, Morgan was a lucky man to have Savannah by his side.
So, he had left a wife and a child, to go be with the other woman that he loved - the one who needed him right now.
