CHAPTER 44
SECONDS DESTROY TRUST BUILT IN YEARS
After the morning class, Angie had gone to her ballistics job, which only left her with 25 minutes to grab lunch with Bryan before their afternoon class. But that would not start before something else on their daily schedule would be ticked off.
Everyone gathered in the inside training area, since the rain last night had left everything outside soaked and slippery.
"And the moment you've all been waiting for…" Dan said cheerfully, pointing at a huge pile of boxes behind him.
He gave them the Go and everyone started to wander around, searching for their name on one of the boxes.
Bryan pretended to be mixing with the crowd, but he didn't look at the boxes at all. He was just there to make it look like he was participating.
Angie, however, did not move from the spot where she sat earlier, when they entered the gym.
"Come on, it's Care Packages Day!" Dan nudged her, sitting next to her and trying to cheer up that pouty face of hers.
"I have nobody to care about me." She muttered and moved away from him, because it was…too much.
Dan's heart hurt a little at the ease with which Angela had said those words. It was like she was okay with that statement. Like, she had never known otherwise in life. And that was sad.
Angie walked outside. Screw the wet grass, she needed air.
She paced left and right while hearing all the joyful comments that her fellow Trainees were saying from the inside.
"Never seen you like this." Bryan said when he joined her ten minutes later.
"Well, I'm not a teenage mutant ninja. I don't have a huge ass shell on my back to protect me from every bad thing in life." She said and it was the first time she saw this side of Angie – vulnerable.
"What did you get?" She asked, because she just wanted a piece of his joy, if she didn't have any of her own.
"Just some stuff. You know. Socks and whatnot." He shrugged dismissively and started pacing around with her, because he wanted to take some of that sadness away from her.
Ten more minutes later, everyone started to walk out, proudly carrying their boxes back to their dorm rooms.
Bryan told her that he had asked one of the guys to carry his stuff for him, so that he could hang outside some more before class. Angie did not question that.
And he did not question why she was, what seemed like, the only person to not get a care package.
"I need a moment…Sorry." She finally cracked. She couldn't take it.
All these people with all these damned boxes. Maybe the boxes were full of useless crap, but it was the thought that counted. And clearly, nobody was thinking about her.
She ran off in the opposite direction to where everyone was going, wanting nothing more but to hear the silence once again. She was used to the silence. She had been on her own for as long as she could remember. Even when she was with people, she always knew she only had herself to depend on. And, at twenty-three years old, this was bound to make her upset, at times.
Her chin quivered as she stopped running. Her fists hit a tree and it felt a bit better. So, she hit it again. And again.
She thought about her phone for a second. It had been switched off since the moment she crossed state lines, the day she checked in the FBI Academy. She was sure that, if she turned it on, nobody would have called. Nobody would have texted.
So, then why did it make her so upset when nobody sent her a care package?
She breathed in and then breathed out, like she had seen in those stupid online tutorials about panic attacks. It did not work. She was quite upset, but she didn't allow herself to cry. It had been years since she had cried. She remembered that last time like it was yesterday. After that, she was all cried out. Angela knew that nothing would ever hurt her more than that, so she had made a promise to herself to never shed a tear again. And she was doing good on that promise, all these years later. But that did not mean she wasn't feeling vulnerable sometimes.
The moment she saw blood on her wrist, she realized that for the past couple of minutes she had not stopped hitting the tree. Bare-handed. Like an animal. She just kept on hitting it, trying desperately to transfer some of her anger onto the core of this poor tree.
She then ran back to the campus and sat through the whole entire afternoon class without making a single smart remark. That was how Bryan knew that she was not okay. That, plus her now scratched out bloody hand.
After class, the Trainees gathered up in groups, for dinner. Angie said she wasn't feeling too well, so she walked to her dorm, just wanting to sleep and to get this day over with.
When she got to her dorm door, she saw three boxes in front of it. She thought those were Bryan's boxes, even though one of them was pink and glittery like it was a 70's party out there. She figured a female had sent it to him.
She walked in, without touching the boxes.
A note on her pillow caught her attention.
"They were for you!" - The note stated, as if the person who put it there knew her well enough to know that she would never think that the boxes were hers. She would just walk in and leave them there, like she had just done.
After kicking off her shoes, she walked back to the door and brought the three boxes back to the room.
Everybody knew the old Academy tradition to add an inspirational quote to every care package, so she was super excited to read all three of them.
She opened the smallest one first. On the outside, there was a small piece of paper, lamely attached to the box with a piece of scotch. But it looked so beautiful to her.
"We rise by lifting others" – The first quote said and it was unsigned.
Going through the random things in the box, she had no idea who it might be from. But clearly, someone had cared enough to send it. The question was – who? She never told a single soul that she was going to the Academy. Moreover, because she did not have a single soul to tell that to.
She started to be suspicious once she realized that most of the little treats and snacks inside the box were things that could be bought on Campus. What caught her attention was the fact that those were all things that she had previously eaten on Campus.
She shrugged, deciding that this was a really cute way of Bryan to show appreciation for her. And she also wished she would have done the same for him. However, the moment she had read about the care package giving on their schedule, she had pushed it so far behind in her thoughts, that she had made herself forget about it.
She smiled, feeling really good, holding not one, not two, but three packages that three different people had cared enough to send to her.
It also freaked her out, because, again – she did not tell a single soul where she was.
The second box she opened was the biggest one. The card was on the inside and there was nothing written on the outside of it, other than her Trainee badge number. Like, who would even know that? And why put the number and not her name?
The moment she saw what was inside the box, she stopped caring about her previous questions.
It was full of candy, all sorts of candy. After a closer look, she realized that most of it was not stuff one could get in America. One of the chocolate bars was British, then there was a pack of German lollies and some pack of sour candy with Greek text on it. Angie was excited to eat all of them.
She didn't need to read the card, to know exactly who had sent her this.
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle."
Yes, there was one and only one person in the world who would ever quote James Keller, when sending something completely non-related in the box. Such a nerd!
Angie laughed. She was fine with this person knowing about her whereabouts. In fact, she was surprised how long it had taken them to figure it out.
Then there was the third package – the one covered in pink glitter. It looked like something that belonged to Penelope Garcia's office, not that Angela knew who that person was anyway.
But she knew who it was from.
It smelled like them.
It screamed their name.
She could almost see the person's facial features, sketched on the box.
She picked it up and held it close to her chest. It was the closest thing to a hug that she could get from them. And then her chin quivered again.
On the outside of the package she only saw the words "Wild Card", written in beautiful cursive, one that she remembered so clearly.
She opened it very carefully, not wanting to break the beautiful box, as this was now going to be her treasure-box, the place where she would put all the things dear to her heart. Such as her bows. Especially the bows.
Glitter flew everywhere and she giggled, feeling like she was on a stage, surrounded by the lights, the dancers, the public and the glitter.
She closed her eyes and let herself be a complete geek for the next minute or so.
Suddenly, she was the star of her own show. She was wearing a glittery dress – something one would wear while accepting their first Oscar award. Her hair was neatly pulled in a half pony tail, while the rest of it was flowing down her back, and it was long and curly and bouncy, just like she liked it. She had some light make-up on, but at the same time, it made her look like a porcelain doll. Angela was stunningly beautiful and people always told her that. She was never bigheaded about it, but she knew it to be a fact. She liked to sometimes think of herself as a representation of the old Hollywood glam, especially when she wore white or beige on her. She was a weirdo and she knew it. She did not care. At all.
She heard the public cheering for her, while glitter rain poured on her and soon covered the whole stage. She wasn't sure if she was going to sing, act or dance, but she sure as Hell was getting ready to give those people a damn show.
As she opened her eyes, she found herself back in reality, where she was now sitting on the floor of her tiny dorm room, with one sock off her foot, her hair in a messy bun and dried blood on the side of her wrist, from earlier.
And yet, she perceived the reality as something just as amazing, as her little daydream had been. And it was all because of this pink glittery box that she realized she was now holding onto for dear life.
With a smile on her porcelain-looking face, she opened the box a little more, so she could see what was inside of it. And that made her gasp.
First of all – there was no card. That was a bit disappointing, but she also knew why it would have been hard for the person to leave a card. And she did not judge that.
Then she started picking up the things she saw inside. There were a few sweet treats, but everything else was just…wow.
A white linen scarf with pearls stitched to the edges of it. Angie could tell that they had been hand-stitched, after the purchase. That screamed customized to her. And knowing who did that, was going to warm her more than the actual 100% linen material of the product.
A small box with brand new polarized sunglasses that made her look so cool and sophisticated, but at the same time – like nobody should mess with that chick.
Her favorite perfume. And, for someone who didn't have much money, Angela sure had great taste for luxury goods.
She was now holding a brand new bottle of the Dior scent of her choice and it made her feel like a Princess. She had always loved beautiful things, even if they weren't expensive, which, in this case, they were.
A pair of fuzzy socks, with two letters on top of it – they seemed like name initials, but none of the letters were A for Angela and H for Hunter.
Going through the things, Angie appreciated the fact that they were not all expensive. It didn't feel like this person was trying to buy her love and appreciation. It felt like the person knew her well enough to know that she would love a cute pair of socks as much as she would love an expensive perfume.
The one thing that made Angela literally squeal, however, was the cheapest one in the bunch.
"Awhhh!" She exclaimed, holding a little plastic bag, something that looked like a bag she'd use to store evidence in; containing a small metal thing. On a tiny necklace, there was a pendant in the shape of half a heart.
She unpacked it so fast that she wondered if she did, indeed, have some super powers.
With one swift motion, the necklace was now in place. The half heart was now dangling a little above her actual, human heart – a heart that she had felt only as a half, for so long.
The stupidest smile was now plastered on her lips, as she kept on searching through the box.
"Okay, Mary Poppins, what else did you manage to stick in here?" She chuckled, talking to herself as her hand grabbed the next object.
"Wireless headphones, so cool!" She smiled, taking the pair of pink headphones in her hands.
"Oh my God, new fairy lights. And batteries. Oh yes, yes, yes!" She jumped up and after a small dance of appreciation, she hung them up on the board of her bed.
The last object made her gasp.
"Tablet! My own? Wohoo!" She loved it so much. She could now use it to study and to put all of her notes in, plus, she could listen to music on it. That was awesome. Bryan would be happy she'd stop asking to use his phone when she wanted to put music on.
And then, at the very bottom, after all the things have been revealed, there it was – a handwritten note. Pink, indeed.
Angie took a moment to analyze the handwriting first, before she'd move on to its more linguistic analysis. She would be ashamed of herself, as a future Agent, if she didn't.
There was hesitation at the beginning – the letters were a bit crooked, a bit uneven. Then it evolved, it started getting more and more precise, until it turned into something that barely even looked like handwriting. It was like one of those fancy fonts one would choose for their wedding invitations if they wanted to let people they were head over heels with their future spouse. This, and that they were super rich and able to afford a cool font, of course.
And somewhere by the end of it, hesitation came back. Or was it doubt? Surely the person writing this note had been a bit unsure if the last couple of lines were suitable for a care package card…or if they would better be left unsaid. Either way, they had written them. And Angie appreciated it.
She started reading slowly. There was plenty of text on the note, but she read painfully slow, letting every word soak in, analyzing the meaning behind the words.
"Just when you think you know love, something little comes along to remind you how big it really is."
She sighed. This was the opening sentence and it was the one written with most hesitation. It felt like she had heard those words before, but she couldn't figure out when or where.
"You and I were different. We came from different worlds, and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love. You showed me what it was like to care for another, and I am a better person because of it. I don't want you to ever forget that."
At that moment she realized that this was not a note. It was a collection of quotes. And this last one was from The Notebook. She hadn't watched the movie, but she was familiar with the quote.
"And after I spent what felt like eternity drowning; you taught me how to breathe."
Angie bit her bottom lip. She knew the exact specific moment the other person was referring to.
"It's like in that moment the whole universe existed just to bring us together."
She smiled, remembering the scene from Serendipity where this line could be heard. Angie was not a romantic, but she had been forced to give romance comedies, like Serendipity, a chance. It wasn't bad, a movie all about the romance between a New Yorker and a British woman, who then got separated by fate, only to be reunited by destiny, years later. She could relate to that separation and reunion theme.
"I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met."
Angie had seen The Wedding Date a few too many times. She spotted that quote just by reading the first few words. It had been someone's favorite movie, years ago. She remembered sitting on a couch, next to them, wearing a pair of fuzzy socks and watching that damn movie over and over again, in a daily basis, just because they liked it.
"Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."
She squealed, literally. This was where her true interest kicked in. This person dared include her favorite quote, from one of her favorite Musicals – Dirty Dancing. Oh, this was warming her tender heart so much more than a scarf ever could.
"And sadly, I've learned that no matter how much I care; some people just don't care back. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
That quote was where the hesitation came out again. There was a small dot, like a little dent on the paper, right in the middle of those lines. As if someone had spilled something on the paper. Or they could have shed a tear, too.
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
Angie shrugged, reading the closing quote. She knew that feeling. Way too well.
"I love you. Always…"
That ending…
Even though the ending came after the hesitation in the last quote, it was actually written in the beautiful cursive from earlier, like the person who wrote it has never been more sure about anything else in their life. Like their life depended on it.
Angie hadn't cried in years. She sure as Hell was not going to cry now. But it was such a temptation to give in, just for a little bit. Just a single teardrop. Just one, tiny little one.
She stood up on her feet before she would let herself fall for that temptation. She was a tough girl. And tough girls don't cry.
But this tough girl's chin quivered one more time before she put her poker face on.
She then sat on the edge of her bed and read the whole thing at once, without stopping to analyze everything separately. She realized that all of these quotes formed up a letter, a chronological text. They made sense, they told a story, when read altogether.
And Angie knew the story. She had lived this story. She would deny it until her last breath, but she also missed that story.
After placing the precious pink glittery box underneath her bed, she hopped in for a shower and took her make-up off before jumping in her unicorn pajamas. She wasn't a fan of unicorns, like many other girls were. But she liked the print on this pajama, so why not?
For the next two hours an amazing book kept her company, a book she had read more times than she could count. It was one of her favorite books in the whole world. And while many girls her age would prefer romance novels and adventure stories, Angie's one read: Profiling Violent Crimes: An Investigative Tool.
If someone gave her a random page number, she would probably be able to quote what was on it. That was how much she appreciated this book.
When Bryan came back, he found her with one hand hanging from the bed, one leg covered up and the other one laying against the wardrobe, horizontally, with the book in her other hand, still opened, her hair covering half of her face, while she was asleep.
He shook his head, trying to put the covers on top of her more properly. He also attempted to take the book away from her, but failed at it, as she clutched it tight and put it underneath her cheek.
He then showered and prepared his clothes for the next morning without making noise, so she wouldn't wake up. He was so peaceful when she slept, almost child-like. So innocent. Unlike anything she was when she was awake.
He went to sleep, bothered by the thought that, quite like Angie, he hadn't received a care package. Not that he was expecting one. But it still sucked.
