CHAPTER 93
MY HOME IS RIGHT HERE
Right after bribing the mailman to deliver her envelope early that morning, Angie started feeling extremely guilty. She felt like she was betraying Monkey, like she knew she would cause Monkey pain that she might not be deserving of. Telling her side of the story and baring her own feelings about this situation came at a high cost, but the only other alternative would have been to pretend like she had forgiven Monkey and to fall back into the downwards spiral of giving Monkey her love and waiting for them to leave her, again.
A huge wave of regret poured over Angie during PFT that same morning. She had distanced herself from Bryan and the other guys that she usually worked out with, as she needed some time to process what she had just done. What if it had been a colossal mistake? Surely there was no turning back now. The envelope had been delivered right away and all she could do was wait and see how Monkey would act around her, next time they shall meet, if they ever even met again. Their paths did not exactly cross, not just yet anyway, not with Angie still being just a nobody, a Trainee. But things were going to get ugly in the future.
She sat up, collecting her thoughts for a second. Who cared about the push-ups? She was perfectly able to continue with the remaining 46 from her required set. She just needed to tend to her mental endurance instead, at that very moment.
"Hunter, do not disappoint!" Her trainer called out when he noticed her slacking.
"Too late…" She replied in a whisper. No, her words were not in regards to the training at all.
Once training was done everyone had half an hour free time before their morning theory class at the Auditorium. Angie went there right away, skipping the option to go take a shower and skipping what everyone else was craving for at that moment – breakfast.
She found the Auditorium empty and it was refreshing. Being at the Academy was constant stress - people talking, screaming orders at everyone, yelling, training, sweating. It was a non-stop test of one's physical and mental endurance. Being surrounded by nothing and nobody for the next thirty minutes, in the study hall, was priceless relaxation for her. But even then, she spent twenty-nine of those minutes feeling guilty and regretting having been so open and honest in that damn letter.
At some point she came to the conclusion that a world without Monkey was not something she could even imagine, no matter how hard it really was to look at that person now and to not be able to see even a small hint of who they used to be. The person Angie once knew and worshipped was gone. The person she saw now was a complete stranger. Then again, it wasn't like Angela was being herself either, she was a completely different person now, so maybe Monkey felt the same way about her. Maybe Monkey would understand. Maybe Monkey and her were much more alike than Angie would like to admit.
It was perplexing, it was challenging, but Angela Hunter never backed down, in front of a challenge. If Angie had to be completely honest with herself, the idea of looking at Monkey now and giving them the chance to show her who they really are, was not so bad after all. She had once loved Monkey for who they had been. Why couldn't she fall in love with them all over again, if they turned out to be something she liked even now?
For the last minute before her class started, she made a promise to herself to try and be open to a possibility of listening to Martha's advice, from this point on. But, was it too late now? Martha had basically told her to either hold on to the olive's branch that Monkey had extended with their two letters, or let them go for good. Angie had somewhat done the latter, while somewhat, maybe, kind of, possibly wishing she would have chosen the first option.
The more Angie thought about her actions, the more she doubted them, but also, the more she knew she had done what was right, for her.
"Class, I am going to steal five minutes of your time before you start this lecture…" Dan spoke when everyone had taken their seats.
He then went on a rave about the upcoming tradition – the Big-Little Week at the Bureau. In summary, it was a week when each Trainee would get assigned to a working FBI Agent of their choice, and would follow them for a week, getting to know them and their field of work. Dan stressed out the importance of choosing their "Big" carefully, as this might lead to a good connection and possibly even an internship within their Unit, later on. He also stressed the Trainees out by telling them that they had to hand in the paper with the name of their Agent of choice, with their signature on it, by the end of that current day. There were no limits whom they can follow – anyone from tech analysts, to lab technicians, to ballistics professionals, to field Agents, to Superiors - anyone really, as long as they signed that paper for them.
Angie walked out of that morning class with two things – a splitting headache and the empty paper, in her hand.
She needed to get it over with, so she came up with the best solution – her next class was with a pushover who wouldn't dare turn her down. She so got this in the bag.
"Agent Seger?" Angie cornered Clara, the second her class was done.
There were already a few people waiting to talk to her, but Angela wouldn't give them this advantage.
"Yes, Trainee Hunter?" Clara replied calmly, as if she had no idea what was about to happen.
"I uh, I wanted to ask if it would be okay with you if I chose you for Big-Little Week?" Angie then sighed.
This was a great opportunity and she knew she could learn a lot from Clara. Maybe she'd even get to travel with the IRS again. Maybe she'd hit the field again. Then, why didn't it feel good to ask that question? Why did it feel...wrong?
"Trainee Hunter, I am flattered that you would like to follow me and learn about bones and dead people..." Clara sighed as well.
She had always felt a bit weird to tell people what her job entailed. She was far from the anthropologist stereotype, so usually her words were met with disbelief. She looked like the owner of a fashion boutique uptown, rather than someone who dug up bones from hidden gravesites.
Angie half smiled, expecting a positive outcome. She was now well-liked in the Academy and she had already been told by various training Agents that they'd love to have her on their team as an intern. This week was like a taste of what the internship would later on feel like.
Plus - this was Clara. The cat was in the bag, for sure. Done deal. Clara would never deny Angie. Never had before. She wouldn't dare, after all Angie knew about her little kissy-kissy secret that night in Cuba, with the cute local guy. Not that Angie would ever stoop this low and actually use this information, but she would surely be mentioning it as a bribe, if she needed to.
"Aprezzo il tuo desiderio d'imparare da me. Bella domanda, ma la stai facendo alla persona sbagliata, cara mia. Non sono io quella che vorresti seguire. Non sono io quella che necessiti nella tua vita..." Clara decided not to make it awkward for Angie to hear those words in front of everyone, so she made sure no one else would understand how she basically told her that she appreciated the fact that Angie expressed her desire to learn from her and how this was a nice question, but directed to the wrong person. Clara had also added that it wasn't her, the one Angie really wanted to follow and it wasn't her, the one Angie really needed in her life.
Angie lowered her gaze, suddenly feeling much less confident.
She should have known that Clara was not a traitor. She did know it, actually, which was why Clara was still in her life. It was why Angie had decided to follow her. Well, for that reason and also for revenge against someone else. Clara was smart enough to have figured that out, too.
"Grazie comunque..." Angie replied weakly with a 'thanks anyway' in Italian as well, before walking out.
She then decided to ask someone else, just to see how they would react. Would they want her? Luckily for her, the next training was going to be held by that same person, so it would be easy to find him around the Campus.
"DeMo?" She called out, presenting herself to the training field well in advance, saving herself from further possible humiliation in front of others. Clara had been discrete and had spoken in a language surely only Angela knew, but DeMo was something else. He'd bite her head off and laugh at her face, if he deemed her an unsuitable 'Little' for himself.
"Ey Hunter, 'sup?" He greeted her as he always greeted his Trainees.
So far he had established a really good relationship with them, one where he'd feel like someone to go to for advice, yet still someone who'd yell and make them regret life itself, during training. SWAT was a huge deal and he had to make sure every Trainee was prepared for the field. And that entailed a lot of nasty remarks and some over the top yelling. Derek loved it. At first, he had been adamant about this job, but it was the only thing he could legally do at the FBI, after having been a civilian for so long. He was no longer eligible for a field Agent, at least not until after a long series of legal procedures and extra training would take place. And then there was the fact that he had to be formally invited by a Unit, with the Unit Chief personally signing a form, taking full responsibility for Morgan's actions after his return, during his trial period. And then there would be counselling - he hated that.
"Ok, so I would like to follow you for Big-Little Week!" She stated, feeling a bit more confident with him.
Morgan laughed out loud. His reaction surprised her.
"Yeah okay. Follow me...where? You want to be assistant trainer on the field? I can't do that, kid."
"But...no. I uh..." She thought for a second. "I meant, outside of training..."
"Keen on holding my grocery shopping for me after class? Or are you going to drive me home after training? No, wait...you are going to be just great at watering the plants on the second floor and dusting the nasty rug in the living room." His words were making her frown. "Because that's what I do. I teach here and then I go back home, if I can even call that place a home!"
Morgan was not the emotional type. He would never admit those things. To anyone. Especially not to someone he did not know at all. And yet, he felt comfortable enough sharing that with Angela.
"Oh..." Her eyes were set on him, but his eyes were scanning their surroundings. He wouldn't look at her. Not even for a second.
"Well, I am sorry to hear that. And uh, I uh..." She felt uncomfortable, it seemed like her question had upset her training officer.
All she meant was that she'd love to have a great person to teach her for a week. She never really considered the fact that Morgan was not an Agent, but simply a substitute teacher at the Academy. With the cuts, he was probably making way less money than he should. No wonder he sounded so bitter about his life.
"Gotta go..." She said lamely, excusing herself and disappearing from his sight until the other trainees showed up five minutes later and Morgan started his training, at which point he had no time to even think about their awkward little conversation anymore.
"You're the only person who hasn't yet handed in their signed form." Dan pulled Angie aside during the late evening laboratory session.
"Must have forgotten. I'll hand it in tomorrow." Angie smiled, trying to buy herself some more time.
Being one of the best students at the Academy, there really was no reason why she hadn't yet found someone willing to sign her paper.
"You have until midnight. Tonight!" Dan eyed her up and down, making her squirm a little. "If not, you'll automatically be assigned to your tactical driving instructor. Let's see how you survive a week with him!"
She stopped in place, now looking at him in shock. Anyone, just about anyone would do, but God, not that awful prick who hated her!
She hadn't figured it out yet, but there was something so intimidating about Dan and the way he made her do things whenever he wanted them done.
At this point, Angie decided to just randomly walk up to whoever the heck she sees next and ask them to sign. At least that was her plan now, two hours before midnight.
She had no clue who else she could ask. She liked a lot of her trainers, but they were now all off the table, already assigned to other Trainees. The ones she asked early enough were Clara and Morgan, both of whom had turned her down, for valid reasons.
Plus, if Angie had to be stuck to someone's side for an entire week, she wanted it to matter, she wanted the person to be someone she liked a lot, someone she respected, someone she could look up to and not just a random dude she had seen on Campus a few times. This experience needed to be special - seven days during which Angie could get to know someone, from scratch.
Thinking about it some more, Angie realized how drawn she was to the idea of having the best excuse to meddle in someone's life constantly, to get to know their weird little kinks, the foods they like, the way they hold the pen while writing, the coffee sweetener they used. It sounded exciting. As much as Angie hated letting people get to know the real her, she actually enjoyed getting to know others. She liked the process of someone new, going from a stranger to an acquaintance, to maybe something more to her. She had instant connections only with few people, but that didn't mean she had to stop trying to find more.
Her Big for the week had to be someone amazing, someone who was willing to let her completely into their lives for seven whole days. She grinned, just thinking about it.
And yet, she hardly saw it happening, with the little time she had left until midnight.
Somehow, after the late class Angie found herself at the blue parking lot. Just less than an hour before midnight, it was pitch dark, she had a hoodie on and a snack in one hand. In her other hand she held one of Rossi's bestsellers - a book she refused to even breathe without.
She intended on having some privacy while she read it for the millionth time, so she went to the parking lot, underestimating how screwed up the lights there would be. It was the blue area, the one reserved for Unit Chiefs, so she had figured that maybe it would be a little better lit, with all the privileges she imagined those bunch of Agents would have. But no, it was almost pitch black outside anyway.
"Oh, mother bbballls!" Someone yelled out in the dark, tripping over Angie's leg as they were approaching the driver's door of their vehicle.
"Weird choice of a profanity to use." Angie pointed out, chuckling a little, watching a grown ass person who was now testing their heart for a heartbeat, to make sure they hadn't passed out from the shock.
"Weird choice of a..." The person trailed off, trying to figure out what Angie was even doing there. "...a place to read?" They added in disbelief.
Angie shrugged, closing her book, but not moving an inch from where she was sitting - on the ground, right next to the driver's door.
"Criminal profiling. Hmm." The person tried not to laugh.
"Yeah. It's what I'm good at." Angie stated with pride.
"So I've heard…" The person clicked a button on their car keys and unlocked their vehicle, but stayed outside and made no advance to open the door or to make Angela move away. The sudden light, coming from inside the car, took away from the intimacy of the moment, the conversation, so they locked the car seconds later and remained in the dark. It somehow felt much more suitable, magical even, in a weird way.
"Trainee Angela Hunter, is it?" The person's tone of voice almost sounded a bit snappy. As if they were mocking her, but not in a rude way.
"Oh, you have to see it to believe it!" Angie kept her head held high while replying to their first statement, about profiling. She was afraid of nobody. She would back down to nobody. And she would admit defeat - never! "And yes, the name is Angela Hunter." She confirmed, a bit snappy herself.
"Just remember there is always place for something new to be learned." The person said, their voice changing now, sounding soft, comforting, very pleasant.
Angie took a moment to assess the situation. This was her best opportunity. Otherwise she'd end up spending the week with 'grumpy driver dude', as she had named the tactical driving instructor.
The paper was now in her hand and all it took was to hand it to the person and ask for a signature. It was that easy. She didn't even have to move. That space near the front tire was so comfortable - she had rested her back against the little bump of the car and it felt so good. She didn't want to move.
And yet, she remained quiet and immobile. As confident she had been with Clara and DeMo earlier, she was now a ball of nerves in front of this person – a complete stranger, someone Angela looked at and felt like she knew nothing about. It was scary and that person was more than intimidating, with their high rank within the Bureau.
The other person stood still, as if they were waiting for Angela to continue the conversation, which at that point she was not going to do.
But then the silence became really awkward.
Angie's hand extended and she basically pushed the paper in their hands, without saying a word, without even looking them in the eyes. She was ashamed. There was less than half an hour now left until midnight and she was still short on a weekly mentor. That would suggest that nobody really wanted her and that was what she was ashamed of. It had been an underlying and recurring issue her entire life.
"Oh, Big-Little Week! I love the idea of that week. Amazing experience - you get to spend tons of time with a complete stranger. You coordinate your tasks, work as a team, you basically get a glimpse of their world and, in a way, you become a part of their world, too. I'm so excited about it!" The person said truthfully. Their smile was bright, Angie could see it clearly, no matter how dark it was around them.
"Who is your Big?" The Agent asked, unable to focus on the little letters at the bottom of the paper, as to figure it out themselves.
"Uhm. I mean..." Angie stuttered. She felt incredibly self-conscious at that moment, which was something that never really happened to her.
"No one. For...for now. I uh..." Her shoulders rose a bit and she felt like the clumsy girl in high school who always got chosen last, for any sports activity.
The Agent stood immobile and kept quiet, as if they had no idea how tantalizing this was to Angie. Humiliating, even. They just didn't want to overstep and assume anything – after all, they had no idea where they stood with this girl.
"Uh, I guess it could be uh, you..." Angie finally came out and said it.
"If...if...if you...you'd want me..." She added lamely, stuttering like a star struck teenager at a boy band concert.
It took the Agent a whole bunch of long, painfully quiet seconds, to reply.
"I could never imagine a better Little me!" They finally said while signing the paper against the window of their car.
There was no hesitation at all, whether the Agent wanted to accept. They just needed a few seconds to wrap their head around everything that was happening, to analyze the situation, to figure out if this was really happening, if this would benefit the young girl, standing in front of them.
"Thanks...Agent...Emily Prentiss, is that right?" Angie asked for a confirmation to what she already knew, as she stood up and retrieved her signed document from this person's hands.
She wanted to stand tall when accepting it. She wanted to level with the Agent, literally and maybe a bit figuratively too.
"Yes, the name is Emily Prentiss - the person you would be following around for a week." Emily nodded. She spoke with authority, quite like Dan. She also eyed Angie up and down one more time, just to make her blood freeze over.
"It's starting to rain. Come on, I'll drive you home." Emily said instinctively, as if she felt the need to protect that girl.
"It's alright. I'm good…" Angie trailed off for a second as she looked Emily dead in the eyes in a chillingly curious manner and then she smiled weakly.
"My home is right here." Angie kept her eyes on the person in front of her as she added the ending to her previous statement.
For some reason her heart was now racing. It was a mixture of a pleasant warm feeling and something extremely bothersome, but Angie found herself enjoying this. It was good. Or at the very least, it was not a bad thing.
Emily took a moment to study Angie's face. It was calm and she seemed somewhat happy about her statement, that home was right there. It made Emily smile with a mixture of pain, along with that hint of happiness.
As she unlocked her car one more time, its lights came up again, illuminating more of her face. Angie saw her smile. And now that she was standing up, she also saw something else…
"You look upset." Angie pointed out softly, as to not come across too direct, or rude.
"Yes. I had a sudden downpour of emotional tears just earlier." Weirdly, Emily had no problem sharing that piece of information, because if it was anyone from her team to have asked, she'd deny, deny, deny.
There was a small mascara smudge under one of her eyes and Angie could still see wetness, like this grown ass woman had just wiped hot tears on the way to her car. Her pupils were a bit red, too.
"I'm sorry…" Angie whispered, her eyes darting to the ground, checking out Emily's shoes, because seeing her face like this was making her upset, too.
"It's not your fault." Emily shrugged, whispering her reply as well.
Emily has had it rough lately and more things were coming up, making her even more upset, on a daily basis. It was pretty much a constant state for Emily Prentiss – if she wasn't upset about Richard, she'd be worried about JJ or stressing out over whatever new obstacle the Bureau was currently throwing at her and her entire team.
"I will see you here tomorrow at nine. Breakfast is on me." Emily announced and, as if she knew how much Angie hated it when people paid for her, she added. "Objection overruled!"
Angie then nodded and without any further communication, started walking towards her dorm room. She now had fifteen minutes to upload the sheet and she needed her new tablet for that task – the one Monkey had bought for her, the same Monkey whom Angie had just tried to cut off her life completely this morning until that decision of hers had backfired, just hours later, showering her with those confusing feelings of guilt and regret.
"Oh, God…what did I just get myself into?" Emily sighed, sitting in her car for way over thirty minutes, fighting back a new downpour of tears, before she finally drove back home.
"Ughh, man, what did I just get myself into?" Angie murmured to herself, uploading the file at 23:59.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
"Ducksdragonfly" You'll be reading more inner thoughts and learning more about Angie from this point on. Big-Little Week allows her to be more herself and less the robot Trainee that she's required to be at the Academy. Yup, she was brave to send that letter, but it is tearing her apart now, as she never meant to hurt Monkey, not even after Monkey had hurt her twice in life. And yes, LOTS of work in store for Angie-Monkey! In a way, she tried to listen to her therapist, but that backfired lol. So now she needs to do what she knew was best for her all along - approach Monkey and try to look at them and see a completely new person instead. Angie knows it's hard to build a relationship with someone, from scratch, but maybe in the long run it would be worth it. You'll be seeing what happens with that plan of hers :)!
"rmpcmfan" Good job, Detective :)! Monkey is indeed part of the FBI. As for their identity, you shall see what happens next and figure it out on your own :P! Thanks about the letter! I poured it down into writing spontaneously, but then re-read it a million times, to make sure every emotion was conveyed the way I wanted it to, plus, I needed it to be a "mess", but not illegible lol! Yup, Angie is the ultimate goal-crusher, honestly. She might have hurdles along the way though, it's normal. Ufffff, Monkey's heart BROKE when they read that Angie wanted them to stay away! It was their worst fear! But Monkey also knew that if s/he approached Angie face-to-face with this issue they have, Angie was going to shut her/him down IMMEDIATELY! Angie is a spiteful lil' thug hahaha, Monkey is well aware that direct approach is NOT the way. Also, Angie has a lot of unresolved issues (about Monkey) and Monkey knows how dangerous it would be (to Angie's psyche) if s/he just came out and asked for an honest conversation! That's why Martha, being a professional, threaded SO carefully with Angie - she saw the girl is in denial and in pain, so she's SLOWLY building a relationship, trust, so that maybe one day Angie would be comfortable to speak about the REAL issue. Monkey's approach would be the same *wink*. PS: Angie most definitely did NOT say a "NO", but she kind of said a "MAYBE, BUT NOT NOW" to Monkey, with the letter. She said she wanted a face-to-face, but she knows she would have freaked out if it happened. The line "Seeing you and not seeing the person you used to be..." is aimed at that, the fact that Monkey is a compleeeeetely different person now, one that Angie does not even know. A stranger! Angie needs to build a new relationship with Monkey, from scratch, if Monkey ever stands a chance at being back in Angie's life.
"sweetkid45" LOL yeah "Monkey" was a spontaneous decision of a nickname. It kind of happened. No, it isn't "girlfriend" type of a situation between Monkey and Angie, not at all hehehe! Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed reading the chapter :)
