CHAPTER 113
TO LOVE, BECAUSE IT SUCKS
"Good morning, team." Emily smiled, walking in the bullpen at fifteen past ten, that same Monday morning.
It felt like a whole day had just gone by, with the early morning she had, training with Angela.
"Hey, Prentiss, how was your weekend?" Luke teased her with a knowing smirk.
Emily Prentiss never took days off and yet, she had taken Friday off, to make it a long weekend.
And coming back with that smile on her face could only point to one thing.
"Forget the weekend…" Tara walked over to Emily and eyed her up and down. "Girl, where did you get that dress? And that body!?"
Emily chuckled. She had put on the green dress that she bought earlier, heavily influenced by Angela's constant yapping about how hot it made her look.
JJ was in her office until she heard a commotion, coming from the bullpen. Her eyes scanned everything and saw everyone ganged up on Emily, asking her questions, while Emily looked like a snack. A happy, healthy snack.
"Oh my God…she did it!" JJ squealed to herself, hoping that Emily had finally done it – she must have called her mysterious French man.
"Not now, JJ." Emily said knowingly, the second JJ walked over to her with a very bright and curious smile on her face.
"Oh, surely not now and not here. Come on, do you know me at all?" JJ smirked, keeping her voice down. "I want the exclusive and none of those freaks deserve it more than I do. So, I shall wait until you and I are alone…with a few bottles of wine, because tonight, Emily Prentiss, is the night you go back to your wine routine and there isn't anything you can say against it."
"JJ, I've already started drinking again." Emily informed her.
She had been having a glass of wine, on occasion. Enough time had passed and she was no longer afraid of any side effects from Garcia's stunt from weeks ago.
"Not like you'll be drinking tonight. Mark my words. It's you and me and the wine and all the wonderful dirty details you're willing to share, baby!" JJ smirked and her words confused everyone around them, as they only overheard snippets of her statement.
"Fine just shut up now, okay?" Emily rolled her eyes and busied herself with documents, preparing for the morning meet up with the whole team.
"Trainee Hunter, a word?" Dan said sternly when Angie walked in the auditorium, for her morning theoretical class.
The class was just starting, so Dan grabbed Angie and they walked out to the hallway, to have a private conversation.
Bryan realized how serious it must be, if Dan removed her from an activity.
"Care to explain?"
"I never explain anything!" Angie held her head up high, speaking in a cheeky manner, almost as if she was acting.
"I took my daughter to see Mary Poppins about a dozen times just recently. You can't 'wow' me with a Mary Poppins quote, girl. You better start explaining yourself." Dan called her out.
"On the side, is Mary Poppins on in the theaters right now!?" Her eyes popped out. This was one of her favorite musicals.
"And, for the record, I was training on my own." She added nonchalantly.
"Hunter, you can't afford to slack now!" Dan whispered.
"Why? Are you going to cut me from the Academy? Woooh." She faked being scared, in the most annoying way she possibly could.
"I'm not joking. Your whole career depends on this. On these few days. On this week. Come on, don't be stupid." Dan continued, still whispering.
"What career? Oh, the one I keep hearing that I cannot have?" Angie crossed her hands in front of her chest.
"Angela…just shut up and trust me – you need to be on your best behavior this week. Please?" Dan was withholding a crucial piece of information from her and she had no idea.
He had spoken to Ben, who in turn had told him about Emily's wonderful request to go see the Director. Emily had never said it out loud – the reason for this meeting, but they both knew, deep down inside.
"Why? What's so special about this week? Jesus, why is everyone acting like this week will change anything for me?"
"Because it could!" He sighed, unable to say anything more on the topic.
"Fine. I've already given my word to be on my best behavior for a few more days, but then I'm out of here."
"You're quitting the Academy? Are you insane?"
"No. I'm driven. And able. And so incredibly determined. I'd be insane if I wasted another day in here." She felt bold enough to tell him about her plans to end her stay at the Academy. It really didn't matter anymore, whether she told people or not. She did not feel like anything could make her change her mind.
"Angela, I am begging you – keep on busting your ass and giving us results, at least until Friday. Please? Trust me, I'm your Mentor, I'm looking out for you, kid."
"You also drugged me until I ended up in a hospital…"
"Would you ever let this go?" Dan sighed, he knew this had been a dick move on his side, even if the outcome had been a surprise for everyone. Nobody meant to hurt her.
"I did. I don't care what you and your little recruits did to me. I'm so done with the Academy and with the Bureau. I really don't care anymore. Honestly. I just want to get the Hell out of here and go find myself a job I deserve."
"Listen, kid…" Angela found herself being forced to look at someone's eyes for the second time that day. Dan put his hand on her chin and forced her to level with him.
"You won't ever find a job you deserve, more than the job you want here, with us. Okay? And you're not the only one busting your ass, for it to become possible. So, sit tight, shut up, put a damn smile on that pretty face of yours, chin up and go kick ass in every single class, okay? Five days, that's all we need from you…five more days. Can you do that?"
"I can, but certainly not for you." Angie rolled her eyes. She had already promised another week, to Emily Prentiss.
"Get back in there and go be the nerd that we all know and love!" Dan gave her a tiny push towards the door and she entered the Auditorium once more.
"How much trouble are you in?" Bryan whispered when she sat next to him.
"Ask me on Friday." She sighed and, much like she had told Emily earlier, she pretended like this was the first time she was hearing about whatever that lecture was on.
"So?" JJ barged in Emily's apartment, that same evening.
She hardly waited for Emily to open the door, as she made her way to the couch, plopping on it after placing an oversized shopping bag on the table.
"Jesus, at least have the decency to wait until I'm drunk!" Emily laughed.
"Oh, wow, I will be drunk tonight…" She added after opening the bag that JJ brought in with her. It was full of wine bottles, the expensive, good wine that they were both crazy for.
Emily made small talk while they sipped on their first couple of glasses, in the dark, with just candle light illuminating the living room, to set the mood for a romantic emotional talk.
"So…?" JJ tried prying once again.
"Ugh…" Emily sat up straight, trying to look somewhat presentable and sane, because what she was about to share with JJ would paint her as a crazy person, for sure.
"So, yeah. I went to speak with him." Emily shrugged nonchalantly.
She knew this was a huge deal, a gigantic step, but she decided that if she acted calm about it, then maybe…just maybe, JJ would freak out a little quieter than usual. It was getting late and her neighbors must already be asleep. She really didn't need another noise complaint against her.
"Wait. Went? Went where?" JJ was confused and it wasn't because of the alcohol. Yet.
"Well, you do know he lives in Paris, right?" Emily pointed out innocently.
"Emily Prentiss!" JJ choked on the sip she was just taking from her wine glass. "You went across the Globe? For a man?"
She also most certainly did raise her voice quite a bit over what was socially acceptable at that hour.
"Sure did…" Emily smiled.
Yes, this really did paint her like a crazy person.
"What did you say? What did he say?" JJ was on the edge of the sofa, fanning her face with a napkin, so she wouldn't pass out.
"I honestly don't remember half of what I said. I had the perfect speech and then I opened my mouth and something completely different came out. I guess I was just honest about what I felt and I don't know…I guess it kind of worked. We'll see."
"About what you felt? So now, you feel stuff for him? Oh my God, pass me the wine, pass me the damn wine, Emily Prentiss!" JJ extended her hand, eagerly grabbing the bottle from Emily's hands and pouring herself some more liquid courage.
"I don't know, okay? That's the point. I've never felt this way and it's confusing, but at the same time, I don't mind being confused. I tried hating him and blaming him for leaving, but something made me realize that I was being two-faced." Emily pursed her lips. It wasn't something that made her realize it. It was someone. It was Angela.
"So, you just magically appeared in Paris and found him and told him you love him? Oh God, this is like a movie. Emily Prentiss, your life is a movie. Oh, this is so wonderful!" JJ squealed, making Emily wonder if she may have downed one more glass of wine while Emily had left her on her own, for two minutes while she had gone to the bathroom just earlier. And yes, JJ had done just that.
"Oh woah, girl. No. Nobody is saying the 'L' word. Not him, certainly not me. Not now and not anytime soon." Emily waved her hands in the air frantically.
"Well, you are head over heels for him. I can tell. You came back, smiling like an idiot all day long. You even let Luke tease you a bit more than what he usually does. You complimented Garcia five times, for the same outfit she has been wearing all day. And you offered everyone coffee and sweets, which, okay, it's something you always do, but it just adds up on your level of 'nice' today, so it was worth the mention." JJ smiled wide.
"Ahh, I guess I'm feeling pretty good today, yeah, I can't deny that. As for what happened in Paris – I knew where to find him, or really – how to lure him there. I tried not to hold anything back when I spoke and it turns out he was okay with my terms and we are, indeed, giving this a try."
"What terms? Jesus, poor man…You barely even started dating and you already have terms?" JJ raised an eyebrow. Trust Emily Prentiss to ruin a relationship from the get-go.
"Yes, I had one term and one request. He agreed to both." Emily took a sip of wine.
She didn't want to tell JJ that her terms were that the team would always come first and that her request had been to not know the truth about him just yet. If a spontaneous trip to Paris didn't make her sound completely insane, that sure did.
"And we're not dating. We're…giving this a chance. Whatever that means. I'm not sure." She added, realizing how confused she really was.
"How is that gonna work?" Drunk JJ did not hold back how suspicious she was over this little arrangement.
"I have no idea. I really don't know. But I'm willing to find out and I hope it does, I mean, I hope it works out…despite my gut feeling…" Emily looked down at the floor.
Through all of her happiness, there was still this annoying fact that she knew nothing about him. And yes, she had begged him not to tell her anything, but it was killing her to not know it all. What if the truth changed things? What if she let herself get too invested? What if she would really fall in love with him and then everything would blow up in her face? It sure had in the past – Ian Doyle was the perfect example.
"Give me that bottle!" Emily was now the one to grab it from JJ's hands and to pour herself some more. She needed that. All of a sudden, she needed alcohol.
"To love, because it sucks!" JJ decided to make a spontaneous drunk toast.
"Hahaha, to love, because it sucks!" Emily laughed and clinked glasses with her best friend.
It really did suck. Not the 'love' itself, but the fact that it was so damn complicated and it required so much work and patience. Sacrifices, even. It sucked so much. The thing that sucked the most was the fact that Emily was willing to go through all the sucky phases of it, to experience it all, and she could not think of a better person to go through it all with, other than Richard, whoever the Hell he might really be.
"Est-ce que tu vas bien?" Victor asked a dumb question.
Sitting on the side of a bed, next to Richard, he was perfectly able to see that he was not okay.
"Doing just great, buddy." Richard said sarcastically, trying to move his left hand without feeling any further pain. He failed at it. It hurt. Everything hurt.
"I told you it was risky." Victor frowned, bringing the water bottle closer to Richard, sensing that he was going for that when his hand tried to reach out.
"Everything about us and our lives is risky. What's your point?" Richard groaned.
"I thought you had a plan…" Victor almost whispered.
"I did have a plan. And then things did not go as planned." Richard admitted, because he was man enough to admit defeat. "Hey, at least we got Marie back alive."
"Yeah, I can't believe she had been forced to do all this. And Simon, poor Simon, we had no idea what was going on at the time…" Victor looked down, feeling guilty.
Their two colleagues had been forced to do something that had gotten Simon killed and Marie injured severely. She had barely made it out alive.
"You realize we first lost the drugs and now we willingly handed them illegal guns, too, right?" Victor questioned.
They were in tons of trouble.
"Yeah, I know. I bet my inbox is full of angry e-mails right about now. But I don't regret a thing. We got Marie back, alive. We'll get the drugs and the guns back, too. We just need a new plan."
"Hate to break it to you, but you might not get another chance at this. You might not be the leader anymore, not after this." Victor kept it real.
The previous night had blown up in their faces. Richard's plan had been solid and it had worked, until the moment it did not work anymore. Richard had faced a difficult decision – keeping the guns safe, in his possession, or keeping Marie alive. Had he chosen the guns, one of them was being pointed at Marie's forehead and waiting to be tested out. Had he chosen Marie's life, which he ultimately did, even after she had seemingly failed him weeks ago, he would then be losing the guns.
"A human life is worth so much more than my damned title." Richard said weakly.
Victor could hear the pain in his voice – both physical and emotional.
"But, at that point, you didn't even know what had really happened. Marie only told you that afterwards, in the ambulance, on the way here…" Victor looked around the empty, white hospital room.
"Yes, verbally she told me in the ambulance. Although, I was way too out of it to remember what she said to me. But…last night, when I got there and I saw her…Victor, she was alive and she was happy to see me. I saw it in her eyes, I knew that she was not a traitor. She didn't need to speak. I could read her. She's one of my own. She's been with me for years. I know Marie. I never fully let myself believe she'd actually screw me over with the drugs. And seeing her weak, all beaten up last night, I knew that I'd put her life above anything and everything."
"That's why you're the boss. You have a heart of gold, Richard. No matter the ugly things we have to do on a daily basis, you always see the human side of people. You always believe the best in everyone." Victor smiled.
It hurt him to realize that now that Richard needed support, even though he was such an amazing person, the only one who showed up for him was Victor, himself.
"I've always known this, but it didn't really hit me until I saw how you were with Annabelle…" Victor continued.
"Amélie!" Richard corrected him.
"Yeah, her." Victor laughed.
"Annie really brought the best in you, back in the days." Victor added.
"Amy!" Richard corrected.
"Whatever you wanna call her. You know exactly who I'm talking about." Victor sighed. He was talking about the most sugar-high and annoying person he'd ever met, but also, the most addictive, senseless and full of life person, too.
"I miss her, you know?" Richard held his phone up and went through some old photos.
"Ha, that smile of hers! She always knew how to make people around her smile." Victor commented, as the person they were discussing was smiling in every single photo.
"She was a force to be reckoned with." Richard added with a smirk.
"I wonder who she got that from." Victor nudged him playfully, like he always did. However, this time he realized it caused Richard pain. He was already all broken, swollen and beaten up.
"I think she got it from her mother, really." Richard said dreamily, keeping his eyes fixated on the girl who was still smiling at him, from the screen of his phone.
Last time he had been reminiscing about someone he saw on his phone screen, he ended up in a relationship with that person. It had happened just a day ago, with Emily.
Maybe this time, with Annabelle, or Amélie as he had once called her, it would turn out just fine, as well.
"Holy crap! I was about to take your ass out!" A young blonde shouted at someone who had startled her, waiting for her at the porch of her house, way after midnight.
"You couldn't have reached for that gun any slower. You know, for the record." The stalker said with a smirk.
"What are you doing here? Actually, scratch that. How do you even know where I live?" The blonde woman asked.
"Let's not dwell on my amazing stalking techniques, okay? They will only make you jealous."
"I'm a Federal Agent! You can't just sneak up on me like this! Jesus!"
"So am I. Well, not officially, but you know how it feels…" The imposter shrugged this time.
"I do. I was literally in your shoes just last year."
"Technically, you would have been in my uniform, not my shoes. But I'll let that one slide."
"If you wanted to see me, all you had to do was ask. I would have picked up some food and, you know, invited you over, like a normal guest."
"No need." The imposter checked what time it was and their eyes drifted towards a motorbike that was just coming up the street.
A man hopped off it, after parking right in front of the blonde's house, handing them two large pizzas and a bunch of fizzy drinks, with a large portion of fries to share.
"So, you knew exactly what time I'd be home, too!?" The blonde girl was impressed with her imposter's time management skills. She had gotten it down to the last minute.
"Uh, hello!? Didn't they ever teach you that having a routine is bad, if you're an Undercover Federal Agent?"
"Shhhhh!" The blonde freaked out silently, urging her unwelcomed guest to enter the house. "Are you insane!? You can't say that stuff out loud!"
"Oh, what…because at twelve-thirty-two your neighbors have nothing else to do, other than eavesdrop on your front door conversations with someone as sexy and also, sadly, as sweaty as little miss Moi?" She flipped her hair like a Diva, feeling quite good and literally quite sweaty after jogging all the way to this house, from where she had insisted the taxi would drop her off.
"Angela, I don't even know how to reply to this…" The blonde one told the imposter.
"It's nice to see you too, Amanda." Angela smirked. "And yes, I do enjoy sneaking up on people."
"I can see you're damn good at it, too. You little creep!"
The girls set up the dining table and Amanda was happy to find food, ready to be consumed. She had checked in her usual hours at work and she knew she had nothing other than breakfast stuff back at home.
"Why are you here?" Amanda asked, pouring herself some Coca Cola into a glass.
"Just thought I'd stop by. You know, I was in the neighborhood."
"Yeah, sure…" Amanda rolled her eyes, knowing that the Academy Wild Card most definitely had an agenda.
Angela then busied herself with destroying the pizza in front of her, while she initiated some small talk about how the Academy was going and what trainings she was doing at the moment.
While Amanda enjoyed reminiscing about her own past experiences, she was also patiently waiting for the moment when Angela would blurt out the real reason why she was there.
"So, how's life with Jack going?" She asked when the pizza was gone and they were just sipping on the rest of the fizzy drinks.
"You know I don't live with Jack, right?"
"But his toothbrush is in the bathroom and he has a total of two drawers in here – one in the bedroom and one in the living room."
"How on Earth would you know this!?" Amanda choked a bit, hearing such specifics.
Since she had walked Angela in, they had been together, sitting next to each other the entire time. Angie didn't even go use the restroom, so how the Hell could she possibly know such details about this house?
"Oh my God! That break-in two weeks ago…that was you!?" Amanda suddenly realized and it all made sense now.
One day she had come back home, only to find the door cracked open. It had sent her into panic and she had called the police, but once she had walked in, there was absolutely no damage to anything, nothing had been moved, stolen or trashed. Everything was just the way she had left it. That had made for a very awkward apology to the two policemen who had responded to a Federal Agent's midnight house call.
"It doesn't take a genius to put the puzzle pieces together, Angela. You came by my home two weeks ago, wanting to talk to me. You probably chickened out, hearing me park out back, so you must have left in a hurry. And here you are again now. So, tell me…what's bothering you?" Amanda said softly, hoping she'd be able to get through to Angela.
Truth was – she knew absolutely nothing about this girl. They had shared a room at the Academy for a week and then Angela had turned the Academy upside down, searching for clues as to what had happened to her roommate, why had she disappeared like this. That only meant two things – she was stubborn as Hell and she was also an amazing, loyal person. Amanda's job had been to act like the bitchy roommate and she had made Angela's first week a living Hell, to the point where Angela would rather nap on a bench outside, than to go and enjoy the comfort of her own bed in between classes, just to avoid Amanda's idiotic outbursts. And even after all of that – Angela had made it her life's mission to find out what had happened to Amanda after she disappeared in thin air, that night of the training in the woods. That was not just 'loyalty'. That was 'bravery'. And it was also 'integrity'. Amanda was one of the many people who had noticed those qualities in Angela. The others included Ben, Dan and a whole bunch of other names of important people.
"Fine, yes. I came here to talk to you about something, but then I realized it's dumb, so I left." Angie shrugged, finally admitting some of the truth.
"And you're here again…even if it's dumb?" Amanda challenged her.
Angela looked like she was desperate to get something off her chest, but she sounded terrified of actually sharing what was on her mind.
"I guess I thought I'd give it a second try. I considered grabbing some vodka, but I do have PFT at seven tomorrow and you are leaving for…you know where…" Angie ended off mysteriously.
She had overheard that Amanda had gotten signed to a new undercover case and she made it sound like she knew where she was going, just to piss Amanda off that such confidential information had come out. All Angela knew was that this was Amanda's last night in her Virginia home and she had no idea when – or even if; she was ever coming back. So, if she wanted to talk, this was her only chance.
And yet, being there felt wrong. What she needed to say was huge and it was weird to share it with someone she barely knew.
"They say it's going to be a two weeks tops kind of a case. For me, a least. I'm the only one going under. Two weeks, that's not bad…" Amanda's tone of voice showed Angela that this girl was giving herself some reassurance. She did not sound like she was okay with this case assignment, at all.
"Is it ever as easy as they say, though…?" Angie whispered her half-question, half-affirmation.
"No. It never is and you know it." Amanda said, with so much more behind that statement.
Her words made Angela shift uncomfortably.
"What's on your mind before you go under?" Angie asked curiously.
"I don't know…they tell me to try to detach from who I really am. I'm supposed to start thinking and acting like the 'new me' from the moment I get my briefing, which for me would be tomorrow, on the plane, on my way to wherever I'm being shipped off to."
"Do you like it? I mean, isn't it weird to not be yourself?" Angie continued asking and this was just the beginning of a series of questions she had for Amanda.
"Yeah, I like it. I mean, it really is weird, but it is quite literally my job. You'd have to be very smart and resourceful, in order to do the job. You have to have bomb survival skills and you have to-…"
"Shh." Angie silenced her. "I've heard your speech at the Academy, when you taught us the essentials of undercover. I wanna hear your thoughts now, not the theory. Please? I really need to know…"
"My thoughts? Uh, okay…well, each time I go under, I think that I might never come back, I might never see Jack again and I might never sleep in my bed. And that doesn't just mean that I might get killed, so I'd never come back because of that."
"What does it mean then!?" Angela nearly jumped in her seat, wanting to hear it all.
"It means that this job fucks you up, okay? If you come home, you'll either not be yourself mentally or at best you'll only just have stab wounds, gunshot wounds, severe trauma, concussions, nightmares…"
"Dissociative cognitive disorder?" Angela threw this in there.
"Yup." Amanda just came out and confirmed it. "You know, people never speak about that, until it is too late. My job is portrayed like this bomb ass fun thing, in all of those movies, but the reality of it is so much more destructive. It drains the life out of you and quite frankly, sometimes you find yourself wishing you were dead."
"Is that normal? I mean, wishing you were…you know…" Angela kept on asking, this time sounding way more timid.
It almost felt like she was waiting for Amanda to say a specific word or to hint at something, so she'd ask about it.
"Unfortunately, yes. We are taught to have this crazy strong desire to survive and to keep the mission going, but honestly…sometimes we just-…"
"…don't feel like it's worth it?" Angie cut Amanda off, offering this ending to her statement.
"Exactly. It's like, our world is gone and like-…" Amanda tried to continue speaking, but she only managed to say half a sentence again.
"…like you don't even know who you are and you're afraid of even attempting to be yourself if you could even remember how it was done? Because, when you act like you, you feel like…I don't know…like you…like…" Angie was now at the loss of words to describe it.
"…like you have already lost everything you ever had, so why the Hell bother trying to go back to who you were, if there is nothing left out there for you? Like, why the Hell not keep pretending to be someone else, find new people to surround yourself with, make new friends, but then…" Amanda trailed off, knowing that Angela would pick it up and complete that statement, too.
"…but then those new friendships are superficial, at best, and they could never give you the satisfaction of having what you once had, when you were truly yourself?" Angie said and Amanda nodded.
"So, why not invent a new identity for yourself, you know? If you do this long enough, it becomes like second skin. And if you're good enough at the job, you might be able to keep the charades going for a little while…before…" Amanda spoke.
"…before you start to spiral and you need to talk it out with someone who gets it?" Angie mumbled while biting on her lower lip hard.
"There really isn't anyone to talk to. Undercover is a lonely job. There are certain truths and confessions that one could never say out loud. And no, not because of confidentiality issues, but because there is simply nobody in the entire world who could understand the pain and confusion someone in this field is going through. And certainly a damn shrink won't be able to fix those issues, either." Amanda's words hit the spot.
"Thank you! I tried telling Dr. Allen that!" Angie sighed dramatically.
She really liked her therapist, but she – quite like Amanda, had her own reasons to believe that this woman was never going to understand her past traumas, let alone to help her overcome the pain.
"That doesn't mean that talking about it does not help." Amanda countered. "It puts you in the worst of moods, though, because it's just horrible to be pouring your heart out to someone who understands less than one percent of your troubles. But sometimes saying it out loud helps. You just have to be careful who you choose, as the recipient to your emotional downpour…and yes, that is because of confidentiality issues."
Angie took a moment to absorb it all and to overanalyze each word they had just said to each other.
"So, either be brave enough to speak openly or shut the Hell up and suck it up, huh?" Angie's final conclusion was this.
"I can't answer that. It's different with everyone. In the beginning, I bottled everything up inside and for the longest time it was fine, until one day I exploded and I just screamed my confessions out to someone. They had absolutely no clue how to help me, but they listened nonetheless."
"Was it someone who knew nothing about your job specifics?" Angie asked.
"It was my mentor, actually."
Amanda's words hit Angela way too hard. Her mentor!? How on Earth was it possible for someone to teach you everything you know on the job and to then be completely and utterly useless when it came to helping you understand your trauma and deal with the pain? How was that even logical? Wasn't the mentor supposed to be the one and only person who would know you and know what is best for you, at all times?
"Yeah, it came as a shock to me, too…" Amanda sighed, replying to what she knew for sure that Angela was thinking, in her head, at that moment.
"But…what the Hell…this is so damn confusing…wow…"
Amanda gave her a moment to process these news as she went to grab a bottle of white wine.
For the next five minutes or so, Angela's gaze was fixed on the glass in front of her and she just stood there, with her elbows on the table and her chin resting in the cups of her hands, with her mouth slightly parted from the surprise…just analyzing the phenomenon that it was that your own Mentor was unable to help you out. That terrified her!
"I keep hearing and reading that there is only one way to deal with the pain…" Amanda offered, a few minutes later.
"They say that in our hearts there is always this one specific person that we know is genuinely going to understand and help us out – someone who cares about us deeply and unconditionally. It could be a parent, a Mentor, a friend, even a therapist. But we know who they are." Amanda continued once she saw how interested Angela was to hear about this coping mechanism.
"How do you know he or she is the right person to talk to, though?" Angie asked.
"You just do. You look at them and you know. Also, they say, this is the hardest person to go bare your soul to. Sadly…" Amanda rolled her eyes, thinking of her own situation.
"Do you have a person like that?"
"My brother. I know in my heart that he is the only human being who could ever comfort me." Amanda shared willingly.
"So, go talk to him!"
"It's not that easy. Another misconception people have about my job, from all the horrible TV shows, is that only CIA undercover Agents are required to never tell anyone – not even their families, about their involvement with the Government business and the job specifics."
"Technically…" Angie then proceeded into pouring out all sorts of legal information about the Bureau and the Agency, enlisting the differences they had, when it came to their undercover personnel.
"Please stop talking. My head is spinning." Amanda cracked up laughing, putting her hand up and praying to God that Angela would shut up. "I had the liberty of choosing whether I'd want my family to know about my job, or not. I chose the latter."
"Woah, why?" Angie was surprised.
"I just didn't want them to worry."
"But…didn't you say your brother would be there for you? Like, don't you want his support?"
"Angie, you're still young. One day you'll understand…"
"Dude, you are literally only two years older than me and you've only been an active Agent for a year, so…" Angie didn't mean to sound so offensive, but she could also not help but put Amanda back in her place.
"If you've ever been in my shoes, you'll know what this person means to you and you'll know it is virtually impossible for you to reach out to that person, knowing that everything you say to them is going to hurt them, to leave them feeling empty and confused in the end. So, you'll keep on bottling it all up until you explode and do something stupid. And not to freak you out or anything, but self-harm is often the first step, at least that's what studies show. It's not my case, but then again, I've only been doing this job for a year. I can't even begin to imagine how confused someone with many more years of experience might feel, if they haven't been able to find an outlet…"
Angie gulped, listening to those last words of Amanda's. It made sense – the one trusted person would automatically be someone you care greatly about, right? So, in order not to hurt them, one would keep hurting themselves instead, right? And that self-harm was surely not only meant physically. It was psychological, too, and to Angela that sounded even worse. Torture, self-blaming, doubt, confusion…that sounded a bit too familiar to her, also not in a physical way, but rather psychological. And it sucked.
This time her silence was a bit too long and it became a bit too awkward. Fifteen minutes after Amanda's concluding speech, Angela still looked like she was terrified of life. Her gaze was now piercing through the wine bottle and she barely even blinked.
"Whatever your trauma is…" Amanda started off silently. "I'm not your person."
Angie nodded in agreement. It was nice to find out that she should stop dropping by Amanda's house uninvited from this point on, as she had lost sleep over this conversation a few too many times these days. But it also sucked realizing that one more name of her 'finding the right person' list had just been scratched off. That barely left anyone else.
Bryan was her roommate. He was a dude. He wouldn't understand. She didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him her secrets.
Dan was her Mentor. If Amanda's mentor couldn't help her, what was to say that Angie's one could? Plus, it was literally the same person who mentored both of them.
Ben was literally the second tallest person on the FBI ladder. Going to him with her juvenile crap would be weird. And it wasn't exactly all perfectly legal, either. So, no.
Angie really liked that one bartender woman from the café where the other Trainees sometimes went to catch up on their studying, but this was a stranger, someone who would most probably be scarred for life if they heard everything that Angela had to pour out.
She had been eyeing different people lately, trying to figure out if anyone could be her 'right person'.
Amanda, so far, was her best bet. She would somehow understand. And yet, there they were…realizing that life was complicated and that sometimes sacrifices had to be made. And Angela would be damned if she hurt the one person who she was sure was her 'right person', because yes, deep down in her heart she knew exactly who that person was, for her. Each time she looked at their face, she just wanted to scream and to let it all out, to tell them what she was feeling, what she had gone through and exactly why it hurt so much. But she loved them too much, there was no way she'd put this much burden on their shoulders. She'd rather keep living a lie.
But that didn't make her want to talk to them any less.
REVIEW REPLIES:
"Ducksdragonfly" Well, Emily does have that motherly instinct, when it comes to kids. And it is especially heightened with Angela lately. Emily would do whatever it takes, to help Angela come to terms with her inner thoughts and those feelings that she is clearly trying to suppress. Whatever it takes! Also, thank you for the support, it means a lot! Where I live we are on strict lockdown and work has been wonky. A lot of businesses are suffering and people are in "smart working", which means less can be accomplished, being unable to work in your office. I've entertained myself with a massive house cleanout this weekend, followed by homemade drinks, because...why not!? Also, isn't that exactly what Emily Prentiss would do? :) And I'm writing the future chapters where things...happen :P and truths come out and it's a whooooole new dimension of this story. Been updating scarsely lately, as there is a HUGE decline in the interest for social media (YouTube and FanFic, as far as I know) lately...don't know if it has to do with the elections or anything, but I've been trying to upload less frequently, because if people don't read now, I don't want them to have a huge amount to catch up on once things pick up...if that makes any sense :/ lol! Anyway, how have you been? I replied your inbox, but you never messaged back again. Hope it's all good. Stay safe!
"sweetkid45" I hope so, too. But she's not a privileged lil' brat who gets her way, every time...She has to prove worthy. And thanks :)!
