The Perfect Place

"OW. Could you not use my head as a backboard? Is your aim not good enough?" Fergus stopped and spun around to his brother, who was lining up another free throw with a hefty head of cabbage.

"It's such a massive landmark Gus - I couldn't miss it if I tried." Farkle launched the cabbage out of his hands, sailing over the vegetable patch at their feet to land in the open knapsack strapped to Fergus's back.

"And Grimm knows you can't resist something big, Fark." Felicia shot as she walked up with an armful of produce that she unloaded into the knapsack.

Having the least full bag of the three, Fergus had been involuntarily elected to donate his extra space to carrying surplus food they would be collecting. So far, that had amounted to squash, cabbage, and onions.

They kept walking, the early autumn sun losing its heat paired with a light breeze signaling change. Duloc was a familiar enough place - they'd spent their earliest Halloweens in the abandoned castle, before the revitalization efforts returned the town to a lively and bustling destination, no longer under a diminutive, long-deceased despot. They had continued their Halloween tradition in the years that followed, to harmlessly terrorize unsuspecting villagers in pursuit of their candy.

Outside of Duloc being the setting of their parents' courtship story - so often told to the point they had memorized every word and vocal inflection of its delivery - it was little more than the municipality in which their home was located, without much thought given to it. They'd never even been there during the day; outside of a yearly Halloween outing, there was never a reason to go there. Until now.

It all started from an off-handed comment, a joke really, a year ago. The sixteen-year-olds had been sent out to gather herbs and roots for the night's dinner, and were taking their sweet time completing the task, as usual. The three had taken an extended rest break in the shade of the great trees on the outskirts of the swamp, and had been chatting about whatever came to mind.

"I wonder how long we could stay out before they'd come drag us back," Farkle said with a short amused exhale.

"As if Dad would be bent out of shape enough to do that," Felicia replied, "I think you mean 'before Mom would come drag us back.'"

"He'd mostly be mad at not getting his ingredients," Fergus offered. The other two scoffed in agreement.

"They'd have to get their own greens."

"Like when we were little."

"Like before we were even born!"

"Like they'd have to if we did Leaving Day!" Farkle looked aside as he chuckled at his own remark, as he took a bite of one of the few turnips he'd managed to gather for dinner. He looked back at the other two, to find they were looking intently at him. "Heh… what?"

"Have you guys… thought about Leaving Day too?" Felicia asked with a touch of apprehension, as if she was ready to downplay it if either brother answered in the negative.

"Oh! Uh, well– I mean not a lot–" Farkle replied.

"Enough to mention it as a joke," Fergus observed. "Cuz I mean… I have. A little bit."

"Yeah, a little bit. Not like, often," Farkle clarified.

"But you have thought of it," Felicia pressed.

"It sounds like we all have, Fel." Fergus looked at them, realizing they were all on the same page.

"Like okay. Hypothetically," Felicia rose to her feet, going into presentation mode, "if we were to perhaps do Leaving Day. What would you want to do? Anything! No matter how wild. Like for me: I'd like to have a stint on a pirate ship. That would be… amazing." A glint flashed across Felicia's eyes as she let herself revisit what was clearly a cherished fantasy. She turned her attention back to her brothers, expectantly.

"Oh wow… yeah, I'd wanna join a circus troupe, maybe learn how to become a–"

"Clown?" Fergus interrupted.

"No," Farkle jabbed back mockingly, "A sword swallower! I've already done it with little daggers."

"...How're those coming out the other side, Fark?" Felicia asked jokingly, but with a tinge of genuine concern. He shrugged nonchalantly.

"I'd want to be a nomadic hermit, maybe control a bridge with riddles, then disappear and make people look crazy when they try explaining it to others." Fergus sighed contentedly.

The siblings met each others' eyes again, thoroughly excited by their ideas. They absolutely could do any of what they'd just said.

"But… we'd have to build to all that, probaby," Felicia offered. "You know, build our reputations, gain renown, start small at first. So that we'd be ready to tackle the big stuff."

"Why?" Farkle countered. "Dad was just some random ogre, and went and rescued the beautiful princess from a dragon-guarded tower. It's in our genes!"

Felicia slowed her pacing until she was still. "Now that's an idea."

"...What's an idea?" Fergus eyed her. "Rescuing a princess?"

"No! The tower."

And it built from there. No, visiting the tower wouldn't increase their renown - it wasn't something they'd be telling anyone about, especially their parents. But it was bold, that was for sure, and something discouraged from doing - both things that they understood to be pillars of being an ogre. They all of course knew why even the most compelling argument in favor of ogrehood didn't justify visiting this particular location. It wasn't something to joke about, or mention lightly… mention at all, really. They'd had questions as small children, innocently curious and having no idea the gravity behind it all, and of course their parents understood that it was inevitable. Shrek had done his best to teach the three to the best of their abilities for the age they were, and as they grew, they learned well.

All that being said, what their parents didn't know - would never know - wouldn't hurt them.

For all of the respect they paid to the topic for their mother's sake, the sensitive nature did nothing to diminish its allure. There could be nothing of any interest or value for them to find there, and in a way it would serve them right. But there could also be… well, no one could really say what. But they had to go and find out for themselves.

Farkle pushed the endless sunflowers away as he moved forward. "So we're gonna find out how to get there, get there, and then… what? We'll be done? Our entire purpose complete in like a few weeks?"

"Sometimes you have no imagination, dude," Felicia countered, following directly behind him to take advantage of his path clearing. "That's just the first thing on the list. After that… who knows!"

"'Who knows' is right–" Fergus huffed away a face full of leaves as he brought up the rear, Felicia not clearing them for him like Farkle was for her. "We might even split up - on purpose or not."

Farkle tossed his hair out of his eyes, and some flying sweat drops hit the shorter ogress behind him. Felicia made a face as she impatiently side-stepped out from behind him, her arms out to clear her own path beside him. "Yeah, may have to do that sooner rather than later," she mumbled with an eye roll.

The three ogres continued onward for a good while, the sunflowers fully giving way to corn signaling they were on track.

"Well," Farkle broke the silence, "if we do get bored after the tower, we could always, you know… visit home–"

"Whoa–" Fergus let out a reflexive guffaw as he halted. "We've been gone less than a day, and you of all ogres is suggesting–"

"Oh, I think I know why Fark would like to make a little pitstop back home." Felicia's knowing tone of voice matched the devilish side-eye she shot Farkle.

Farkle gave her the most unaffected expression he could muster. Unconvinced, Felicia looked at Fergus, who quickly realized what she meant.

"Oh…" Fergus mused, adopting the same smug grin. "How's the long-distance relationship going, buddy?"

Farkle looked at him with unamused eyes. "We're doing really well, at–" he looked at his bare wrist, "one day apart. And you didn't let me finish, idiot." He scoffed as he pulled a hand down his face. "I was SAYING we could visit home BECAUSE in two months, it'll be Christmastime. And… well if we missed Christmas–"

"Wait." Fergus's air of satisfaction evaporated. "Christmas is two months away?"

"Yeah Gus, it's called the passage of time–" Felicia began to mock.

"And Mom said to be back in six months," he stated flatly.

"Well yeah but they're letting us return sooner–" Farkle reminded.

"No! Let ME finish now! I'm saying–" Fergus gestured exasperatedly with one hand, the other on his hip, "If the baby is due in six months like Mom kept reminding us, are we gonna have to share a birthday with another sibling?"

Farkle and Felicia looked at him blankly, and then to each other, no longer confused.

"Oh Mother Hubbard," Felicia groaned, taking a step away from the group.

"I mean, that's not exactly new for us–" Farkle smoothed his messy curls back.

"Wait." Felicia turned back to her brothers. "So neither of them realized the due date is around - could be - our birthday."

"Fel, we didn't realize either, until right now–" Fergus offered carefully, sensing where she was headed.

"Dad isn't particularly good with dates," Farkle offered. "Heh…I think that's where I get it from."

"And Mom is, well–" Fergus silently pleaded with Felicia to follow him, "she's got kind of a lot on her plate right now."

Felicia looked between her two brothers, her face regaining its slight smirk. "Heh," she exhaled, "I guess we're old hat then."

"Our birthday happens every year!" Fergus continued jovially, "It's a given! A baby is… wild, something brand-new–"

"You better hope it's not a girl, Fel," Farkle snarked as he tore an ear of corn off a stalk and chomped, "or else you'll really be old news!" He gave her a victorious glance as he turned to continue onward, Fergus following.

"Ha… right." Felicia's tone lost a little of its humor as she aggressively swatted stalks out of the way, creating her own path away from her brothers.

The three ogres had been trudging through corn so long, they had lost track of exactly how long - Farkle tripped over an unnoticed cement curb where the cornfields abruptly ended, in turn causing his siblings to stumble into him from behind. Felicia reflexively grabbed onto Farkle's sleeve, unintentionally pulling him down with her, and creating an unavoidable obstacle for Fergus to also fall victim to.

The three ogres found themselves rising back to their feet at the edge of a flat, hard paved parking lot, carriages occupying nearly every last painted slot. The horse attached to the buggy closest to where they stood turned its head towards them, seeming to eye them hesitantly. Past the sea of vehicles, the ubiquitous gray monolith rose infinitely into the sky.

"Huh… it never looks that big at night," Fergus mused.

Farkle smirked. "That's what she–" His last word was cut short by an elbow to the ribcage, and he glared down at the source of the jab beside him.

"Could you please do literally anything else except talk? Thank you so much." Felicia walked down the aisle of carriages toward the blue velvet ropes in front of the entrance.

"We have to be on our best behavior if we want to actually get anywhere," Fergus reminded. "This place is pretty uptight." He quickly noted the length and direction their shadows cast on the ground - it was mid-afternoon. "Come on, the day is getting away from us."

Farkle sighed as he brought up the rear. "How long could this possibly take?"

"Never underestimate government bureaucracy," Fergus replied matter-of-factly, which only made Farkle roll his eyes harder.

Felicia had already begun navigating through the snaking velvet rope queue, Fergus following. Farkle was mere inches away from making contact with the blue plush he'd approached head-on when his siblings sharply caught his eye.

"Y'all are so lame," he exhaled as he begrudgingly made his way to enter the queue behind them.

"What part of best behavior did you not understand?" Felicia didn't look back at him as she turned another stanchion corner. She came to a stop, behind the half dozen people who were in line ahead of them. After a moment of standing, the woman directly in front of Felicia coughed and looked around, sniffing the air. She turned around and looked up in shock at the young ogress, and then further up to the two ogres behind her. The color drained from her face as she stumbled backwards into the man ahead of her in line, who had already turned around at the smell himself. He proceeded to embark on her same face journey, and the remaining handful of people further up in the queue followed suit. The humans backed up against either edge of the queue, hands over noses and mouths and eyes wide.

Felicia raised an eyebrow at the spectacle, then turned back to her brothers with a shrug. The three ogres proceeded forward through the parted crowd, and approached the ticket booth next to the metal turnstile entry. The employee behind the glass of the tiny booth, a young man probably around their own age, eyed the three ogres nervously and swallowed.

"Hey there!" Felicia offered with a smile and friendly wave, no stranger to putting humans at ease for their reactions to her or her family. Farkle and Fergus, off of either of her shoulders, wore toothy, semi-genuine grins. The young ticket taker seemed not to hear the greeting, and sat with his eyes still shifting between the three, slightly but continually shaking like a leaf.

"Heh… anywho, uh, three tickets for the Duloc Museum, please," Felicia continued. Fergus handed her a small drawstring leather pouch, which she undid and pulled out three metal coins. Felicia put the money on the counter, and when the attendant still didn't take it, she cautiously pushed it forward toward the small opening at the window's bottom. The tips of her fingers happened to cross the threshold of the interior of his booth, and she could feel the kid tense as it happened. Felicia closed her eyes briefly so he wouldn't see her rolling them; as nice as it was that he was terrified of them, he was wasting their time, which was of the essence. She waited a few more seconds, hoping the kid would snap out of it. Farkle sighed impatiently beside her, to which Fergus elbowed him lightly.

"Look, dude," Felicia exhaled, still friendly but slightly less patient, "we wanted to get into the Museum before they close for the day, so if we could just get–" She pushed the money further inside his booth, her fingers fully breaching the border of the ticket booth window. For a moment, the young man seemed to relax, until he slumped forward in his seat, face on the counter, out cold. The three ogres took a small step back from the ticket booth and turned back to the terrified queue crew, who had moved a step back along with them.

"Poor guy's a little nervous meeting VIPs! Customer-facing roles may not be for him, heh…" Farkle chuckled at the terrified group, perhaps a bit too enthusiastic to be believably authentic. He hurriedly shimmied sideways through the turnstile gate.

"I think he's taking his break at the moment, so you nice folks, uh… hang tight." Fergus quickly followed.

Felicia opened her mouth to offer the petrified patrons another awkward musing, but just as quickly closed it and followed her brothers without a word. Fergus and Farkle had stopped next to a large, meticulously manicured floral arrangement, the flowers artfully planted to make a beautifully abstract piece that none of them could place the pattern of. Felicia scanned the bustling town square they stood in - a butchery, a bakery, an artisan candle shop, and a dozen other businesses with signs and displays of different sizes, colors and fonts, all with customers filing in and out. Felicia was also keenly aware of the increasing number of eyes falling on the trio, the dull roar of chatter lowering by the second as more people noticed their presence.

"So do we know where we're going?" Felicia asked, more than a tinge of insistence in her voice. She didn't look away from the denizens around them, while the boys examined the map they'd picked up at the gate, oblivious to her or their surroundings.

"Yeah, uh–" Fergus raised his head from the map to find the building they needed, and quickly noticed the staring people as well. His posture straightened slightly, and he and Felicia shared an aware glance.

"The museum should be over–" Farkle began, face still down in the map. Fergus nudged his arm, causing Farkle to finally notice the situation. He scanned the townsfolk, hearing little more than hushed murmurs between them.

"Ahaha… nice, uh… weather we're having today, huh?" Farkle called to no one in particular, ending with a stilted chuckle that faded into a sigh. He ducked his head and whispered to his siblings, "Do you think they're staring cuz they're disgusted, or because they're starstruck?"

Felicia scoffed at a low volume. "If this place is anything like Far Far Away, a mix of both." She grabbed the map out of Fergus's hands, much to his chagrin, and identified the location of the Duloc Historical Museum - the largest architectural footprint on the page, down the long path from where they stood. She looked up from the map to find the corresponding physical location - her eyes kept rising, as the map was pointing them right to the monolithic Duloc castle.

Fergus looked back to the map, then to the structure again, double checking they identified the correct building, and they had indeed. "Huh, they put this thing to good use after Farquaad toured Aunt Dragon's digestive tract. Floor 1 - Duloc Historical Museum, Floor 2 - Duloc Knight Department, Floor 3 - Duloc Municipal Administ–"

"They obviously knew what they were doing," Farkle interrupted, "putting Mom and Dad on the ground floor, first thing anyone sees when they come into town - history, man." He began down the long path stemming off the flowerbed, in between even more shops and homes. Felicia stomped forward after him, staring directly ahead, roughly pushing her bangs off her forehead. Fergus followed, still acutely aware of the Dulocians' attention on them, now renewed as they went further into their town, offering an awkward, pursed-lip smile and curt head nod to no one in particular. Finally, they passed under a small rectangular arch and found themselves in another, smaller courtyard. There were many tables and chairs spaced about, many occupied with people, with a handful of food carts around the outer edge. Unsurprisingly, the patrons and merchants in this new area were similarly stunned into silence at their presence.

The siblings didn't stop moving. "Hi hi hi, yes, we're hot, we hope it's not too distracting," Felicia offered, her irritated tone barely masked as she quickened her step to overtake Farkle.

"What was that about best behavior, Fel?" Farkle hissed at her as they approached the giant wooden castle doors.

"That was a note for you, assh–"

"Okay!" Fergus exhaled, sarcastically chipper as he grabbed each of their shoulders. "How about we start our 'best behavior' now, as we're going inside, hm?" The two warring siblings begrudgingly side-eyed their mediator, and then each other, as Fergus walked past them and pushed the great door open.

The ogres blinked as the blinding sunlight against white stone immediately gave way to a dim, neutral-toned hall with high ceilings, candles periodically lining the walls. They took a slow step further inside, taking in the scent of old books and musty carpets. They were so distracted by their environment, they didn't notice the door shutting behind them, which made a great clamor that echoed throughout the room. The three jumped at the noise, looking around to see if they had alerted anyone to their presence - they appeared to be the sole occupants of the museum, and the arches down hallways beside them seemed empty. They continued forward, toward an unmanned front desk alit with a candle in a green glass shade, stacks of books on either side of a golden name plaque placed front and center.

"Dr. Farren Sternbluff - Senior Curator," Farkle picked up the plaque and squinted at the letters before placing it back down.

"Shh," Fergus elbowed him. "Don't touch anything."

Farkle rolled his eyes, then took another glance around the great hall, as did Felicia and Fergus - they noticed massive shelves of books extending endlessly behind the front desk, as well as paintings on the walls with informational plaques in front of them.

"Wait - there!" Felicia whispered excitedly, pointing down the center bookshelf aisle - along the very back wall, was a large display of pictures and artifacts, with large letters along the top: "Duloc: The Rise and Fall of Farquaad". That's where the map would be. It had to be in there.

The siblings looked at each other with enthusiasm, as they moved to walk around the front desk in pursuit of this exhibit. They hadn't gone two steps before a throat being cleared behind them made them stop in their tracks.

"I was hoping you'd pass through here someday."


Author's Note 4/13/2023:

Hey… hey… how y'all doin…

We're back! After three years! Who'd have thought a massive multi chapter adventure epic would be intimidating and complex to write? Not me.

Big thanks to hanny spoon for being my editor, cheerleader, and sounding board for this piece. Also thanks to fauxgre, Alethyia, and ComicNinja409 for their continued support, encouragement and inspiration over the years.

If you feel so inclined, I would love any thoughts or reviews you may have. Thank you for reading!